Latest / Harder Than Life / Healing, Real Love, & Modern Dating with Stephan Speaks

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Healing, Real Love, & Modern Dating with Stephan Speaks · Harder Than Life

• 0:01
  Now at Lowe's, faster quotes start at the Lowe's Pro Desk. Got a material list handwritten on a sticky note or saved as a photo? Perfect. Bring it to us and get a quote in minutes. And if you don't see what you need on the shelf, we'll help you get it. You can access thousands of products beyond what's available in-store or on Lowe's.com right from the Lowe's Pro Desk. Build quotes faster and source the materials you need to keep your jobs moving. Just like that at Lowe's.
• 0:37
  I'm Kelly Siegel, and this is Harder Than Life, a podcast about self-love, self-awareness, business, and health. We tell outrageous stories and boil everything down to simple, practical advice you can start using today. Let's get living.
• 0:53
  Welcome back to the Harder Than Life show. Kelly Siegel here. Today's guest is real special to me, and he doesn't even know what I'm about to say. But during the pandemic, I listened to him on another podcast, and he made sense of my life that launched his Harder Than Life podcast.
• 1:11
  brand and I'm deeply indebted to him and I'm going to, we're going to talk about it. So Stefan speaks is one of the most sought after voices in the relationship advice space, a certified relationship coach, author, and dynamic speaker. Stefan empowers men and women to navigate love and self growth with raw, compassionate honesty.
• 1:31
  With a signature blend of spiritual insight and emotional intelligence, he's helped millions overcome pain, including me, shed limiting beliefs, and build authentically amazing relationships. Welcome, my new friend. Hey, thanks for having me, man.
• 1:46
  Bro, I meant what I said. I literally, I heard you on, I believe it was Lewis Howe's podcast. And you made sense of a situation that I was going through and sent me on this healing journey. It just, it gave me that little bit of space
• 2:02
  to say, hmm, this makes sense, and I stopped focusing on the past and started looking forward, and it was a line that you talked about women, why they run, and why they choose less than, and I kept replaying it, and replaying it, and replaying it, and I'm like, one day I'm gonna have this guy on my podcast,
• 2:21
  Well, I didn't have a podcast at the time. I launched it. I'm going to have this guy on my podcast. And there's going to be somebody listening to this podcast now. It's going to save their life and or propel them into greatness. So we got a now a top podcast. You're on it. And we're going to dive deep into the epidemic of emotionally unavailable partners. We're going to talk about the difference between love and healthy relationships. All things relationships. But I want to start off with one of this. It says...
• 2:49
  Why is it so freaking hard in today's life?
• 2:54
  to date? Man, such a loaded question. Times have changed a lot, you know. And in the earlier years of social media I used to be one of those people that was like let's not blame social media. Social media is just exposing a lot of the issues that already existed. Which is still true, but at this point I believe social media is creating all kinds of additional problems and struggles for people.
• 3:22
  And I think just forget just social media, the digital world, all right, has made things a lot more difficult and the dynamics that existed once upon a time are no longer here and it's just it's caused a lot of problems, you know. So, there's a different way we have to navigate life now if we want to have success in dating and relationships.
• 3:46
  Well, go there then, because I know the answer. I've done so much work on myself, but the listener that's sitting there going, give the number one thing that people, that social media, we're going to say social media does exacerbate in dating and relationships.
• 4:02
  I won't say this is number one, but this is definitely one of the strongest ones. It's the whole illusion of options issue. Now, the crazy part is I do think that we neglect the reality that there's also a reality of options now, all right. For certain individuals they do now have more access to a greater amount of people that they find desirable that they can entertain in some way shape or form.
• 4:30
  But it just throws everything off because people are comparing now more than they ever have before. And I was telling somebody recently like back in the days the only comparisons you can make were in your neighborhood or the family you were surrounded by.
• 4:48
  And so, it was a lot easier to rationalize to yourself hey, I got it as good as it gets or I have a really good situation let me nurture that and embrace that. But now, it's like you can always jump online and see something quote unquote better. And of course, that better is an illusion.
• 5:08
  because it's only being presented to you you're not getting to see behind the scenes and what's really going on but because it looks better it makes it harder for you to be at peace with what you have, all right. And this goes
• 5:25
  in so many different ways because it's not just relationships in business, in success. I mean, nowadays you can be making good money but if you're hearing some guy on the internet talk about how he makes 200 grand a month it might make you feel some kind of way. Yes, sir. And now you don't think you're doing good enough anymore. So, I have this belief that when we're looking at things online
• 5:47
  our brain is looking for reasons to disqualify somebody, we're nitpicking, all right. So, any little thing that we find and we have time to overanalyze because we get to sit on our screen and look at them, look at their page, all these different things. In person, your brain looks to find something that you like.
• 6:08
  So, this is why like in-person interactions can go way better than online because we're not nitpicking and over analyzing as much because in the moment things are moving pretty fast, okay. And whatever you find pleasurable you might attach yourself to without having the time to look for something wrong in that individual. So, that alone is also causing problems which is why I believe the whole swipe method on dating apps I think they should get rid of all of that.
• 6:38
  I think it needs to go back to the days of you go on a dating app, you get to browse through all the different profiles on there. Because I was mentioning on a different interview how even in marketing in sales they tell you how a customer needs to possibly see your product I think it was like three to seven times before they'll actually buy it.
• 6:58
  So, with a dating app you're seeing this swipe feature and it's a very I have to react in that moment. All right, swipe right, swipe left. And you may not see that individual again for Lord knows how long.
• 7:10
  But when you get to just browse through profiles, you might skip that profile today, but if you see it a few more times, you might be like, you know what, they don't look too bad or you know what, this might be interesting, let me give it a try. And I think it would actually increase the chances of people finding someone they could at least give a chance to. You have the softest
• 7:33
  most kind and loving delivery of everything. And that's why I resonate with you. And I can't wait to do this again in person and you'll see my big energy. But I literally was going through the worst breakup of my life. And it was the best thing in the world that ever happened to me.
• 7:50
  It launched me in a stratosphere at what made me start looking, holding a mirror up to myself. And Stefan, when I tell you the work I did on myself, I would literally look at the mirror and tell myself I love because I had to build self-love. I was picking all – I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I tease and I was a drunken whore and that's all – like attracts like, man. I kept – if she was avoidant and –
• 8:15
  Easy. That was for me. And I did what we're going to dissect as I looked at myself and said, I'm the common denominator. I'm going to become the person that I want to attract. And I'm here to say, and you're a part of this, my friend. And guys, also notice this is free. This was free.
• 8:33
  Now, Stefan works with people, but I listen to him on a podcast over and over and over, deep dive down and stuff. Now he's on the podcast and I adopted everything he said. And now I'm a year and a half into a loving, kind, reciprocating, mutual respect. She's whole. I'm whole. And we come together to co-create something big and I owe it all to you. So guys, listen to this man.
• 8:58
  I say all that to ask you this. Why do you believe most breakups are actually blessings in disguise? I think most are blessings in disguise because most people are choosing wrong to begin with. And they're blinded by unresolved traumas and a lack of healing. They're blinded by a lack of understanding of self.
• 9:24
  Right, and not just what they truly need but what they're truly able to give and pour into somebody. Because I think we have to come to the realization that we're all wired a certain kind of way and there's just certain things that
• 9:39
  I'm going to be good at that someone else is going to not be good at and someone else is going to be stronger in a different area. And no matter how much I try, yes, I can improve in all areas, but I may never be as good as someone else in certain things, right. Because of just the way that we are wired, we're not built for that. And for that reason, we can't just get with anyone that we like and think, oh, it's going to work. There has to be that foundation of alignment
• 10:06
  with you and that individual and it's hard to understand that alignment if you are not in alignment with yourself. If you don't understand who you are. So, I believe that that lack of understanding, that lack of healing and also the normalization of toxic relationships
• 10:23
  is why most breakups are blessing because again, they become blind and they can't see things for what they are. Because the reality is this, no matter how much knowledge you possess I think people misunderstand the fact that once you are emotionally invested
• 10:39
  you're not seeing things as clearly as you should. This is why some people can be great advice givers, but then not even apply that advice when they're in their own situation. Because once they are in it and they are emotionally invested, it throws things off. Again, I think that's what causes a lot of people to need that breakup. And for some people that breakup might simply be
• 11:04
  a break that can lead to them reuniting with that person, you know, because I do believe in right person, wrong time. But then for many others, for most others, it's a breakup to get you on the right path or to at least give you the opportunity because you got to take that opportunity and do something with it to get you to a better place so you can end up in the right relationship.
• 11:25
  You said normalization of toxic relationships. That's so sad. I want to go down that path of the right person at the wrong time. But I want to ask you a question before that, which is I tell everybody. Now, truth be told, I'm a business coach and I own a massive cybersecurity, IT cybersecurity company. But I love relationships because that's what started this. Everybody loves love. I grew up.
• 11:49
  absolutely lack of love. If there was love, I'd still owe it because my parents were drunk and alcoholics and just gone all the time. And this never showed any support, anything loved me. So I would look for all the love in other places. So I always tell everybody advice because people come to me and they come to me for something else that's going on. Inevitably, it's usually the partner that they've chosen or that they're with that's causing it. And then deep down, the real root,
• 12:16
  is self love and boundaries and standards. We'll get into those, but where I'm getting at is, what is your opinion on, I tell everybody, take time alone after the breakup. And then you see them out partying, and then they're not happy till they get right back in the same exact toxic, said normal toxic relationship.
• 12:39
  Would your advice being the expert be the same? Take three months, six months and be truly alone and work on yourself and say what worked, what didn't work. Where was my part on that? Give me the Stefan Speaks expert advice for my listeners. So, yes, but I would lead more with.
• 13:03
  take this time to heal. And the reason why I would lead with that instead is because some people here take time alone and like you explained, they think okay, as long as I stayed single or maybe buried myself in work, I worked on myself, right. But it's like, but you didn't really resolve the deeper issues. And so, even if you go a year, two years without dating or being by yourself, when you step back out there, you're going to repeat the cycles and you might end up in a worse situation.
• 13:32
  So, it's focused on the healing and when we focus on the healing for some people that might be a few months for some people that might be a year long process depending on how much effort they put into walking through the steps to get through that healing process.
• 13:49
  But I definitely think there's a level of you have to be happy in your own space or you have to learn how to be happy in your own space. I always say you don't have to be happy that you are single but you should learn how to be happy while you're single. Oh, so good. And when you do that, that's going to lessen the chance of you entertaining someone who you should not be entertaining and you being able to attract and actually embrace a healthy relationship.
• 14:17
  So to go back to the right person at the wrong time, unhealed people are going to hear that and think, well, see, it's just like, so help the person on there that hears that and says, oh, well, I just have to wait. They're going to come back. Sometimes you don't want them back. And in my case, I wrote a whole book about it. When I see you next, I'll give you one. And here's a downside, and I'm sure that you see this.
• 14:44
  Once you start healing, you could never go back. What was attractive to you then will be disgusting to you now. I look back at the things I tolerated after doing the work of myself, and I'm like, oh, no, that would never happen again. I did...
• 15:03
  Talk therapy, hypnotherapy, EMDR therapy, plant medicine, and daily podcast. Dude, I declared war on myself. This was during the pandemic. We had nothing to do. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I had nothing but me and a notepad and the gym. And it was closed because I'm in Michigan. You're in Florida. They didn't know the pandemic was going on. So I declared war. Out of all those things, what do you see your –
• 15:29
  people that you work with responding the best. If you were to do just one, what do you recommend besides working with you? Of course, let's talk about healing. Okay. That's the root. So I have a very specific process. So there's a book I have called love after heartbreak and it breaks down step-by-step. So I'm going to mention the first step right now. So what I tell all my clients to do is get a piece of paper on that piece of paper, write down the words who hurt me.
• 15:57
  and then ask yourself that question, who hurt me? And now every person that comes to mind put them on the paper. It doesn't matter how long ago it happened, it doesn't matter if you don't think it's significant. If they come to mind there's something there. And what I have found is that when you ask yourself the question, who hurt me? It's almost like you're summoning up the pain.
• 16:18
  And there's going to be people for some individuals they're going to be putting people on the list that they didn't even think it was a problem, all right. They were shocked they were holding on to it but the problem is we suppress things and we suppress things for so long we don't always realize how far we push down issues that are still lingering within us.
• 16:38
  So, that will help us identify like where that pain is because what a lot of people don't understand at least from my belief is that emotions are energy, all right. So, when we go through trauma, hurt, disappointment, all of these things create energy within us.
• 16:55
  And if you don't release that, that energy stays trapped in your body and causes problems. It creates emotional stress and that emotional stress will deteriorate your body, it will trigger diseases, it will cause all kinds of issues. This is why some people I have found they can be eating well, they can be exercising,
• 17:15
  and still come down with cancers and all kinds of issues. And granted there's a lot of chemicals and factors in today's world that can contribute to that. But the common denominator I have always found is toxic relationships. Every single time.
• 17:31
  So, to me it's like that trapped negative energy has to be released. We got to let it out. And so, the process takes people through that step by step how to release that, how to embrace forgiveness. Forgiveness is a huge part of it. I always tell people like listen, forgiveness isn't saying what they did was okay. It's saying you're not going to hold on to it any longer.
• 17:55
  You know, forgiveness is for your freedom, for your peace. And as well as a rewiring of our brains because again, sometimes we've held on to very negative perceptions due to what we've been through. And once we go through the healing process we got to change those negative perceptions. And we have to understand that was just about that situation or that person, but we can't be projecting that onto every individual that we meet going forward or else we'll never have a healthy relationship.
• 18:24
  Now at Lowe's, faster quotes start at the Lowe's Pro Desk. Got a material list handwritten on a sticky note or saved as a photo? Perfect. Bring it to us and get a quote in minutes. And if you don't see what you need on the shelf, we'll help you get it. You can access thousands of products beyond what's available in-store or on lowes.com right from the Lowe's Pro Desk. Build quotes faster and source the materials you need to keep your jobs moving. Just like that at Lowe's.
• 18:53
  Are you looking for the who hurt me, the original one? Is that why you asked to say every person? Like, for me, it was my mother and my stepfather. They were both equally abusive. Is that the point, is to get to the real one that hurt you, not every single person, and identify the pattern and just let it out and air it out? I'll put it to you like this. Yes, in the sense that we do have to get to the root, right? Right.
• 19:20
  So, if somebody has a past of their mother and father hurt them and let's say a previous relationship hurt them. If they only focus on the previous relationship they're still going to have problems. Like they have to get to the root of the childhood trauma that occurred.
• 19:36
  Now, you'll have some situations where by simply taking care of the big ones it's like everything else shifts and they don't have to address the rest because now the way that they perceive things they no longer internalize the issue that sets them free, right. But you may have some people depending on how significant or impactful that other experience was that they do have to address every one of them.
• 20:03
  Usually it's like you know, it's usually the big ones. Parents, previous romantic relationship and then sometimes like deep friendships usually are the ones that have to be all addressed. But again, it depends but the root is the most important.
• 20:20
  What's the next specific step? So I'll use me. I'm healed. Who hurt me? My mother, my stepfather. So what do I do next? Naming it was the next step. But what is it from Mr. Stefan, the expert's advice? What's the next step?
• 20:36
  But the next step is what I call the emotional detox, all right. So, again, we got to get all of this out of our system and a lot of us have not properly expressed how we feel about certain things and things that we've been through. So, there's a two-part letter and we'll start with the first draft of the letter is you just getting everything off your chest.
• 20:57
  holding nothing back. Because one of the things that happens to a lot of people is they may say, well, I spoke to this person about it before. And let's say it was your mother. Chances are you try to speak respectfully or you were mindful of your words depending on her age, her health condition, whatever the case may be, you might think she's sensitive.
• 21:15
  Right, so though you addressed it you did not release all the energy you have about it. You didn't release all your feelings. So, the letter is to give you an opportunity to with no filter get it all out. I don't care if you curse her out, I don't care if you wish evil nasty things on her, however you genuinely feel get it out.
• 21:36
  That draft, first draft, once you're done, you're going to feel better. You're going to feel weight lifted off your shoulders. Because again, it's like you emotionally detox. Now, for anyone who's ever done a physical detox, you know how if you do a physical detox, you know, you're taking a detox tea or something. Those first few days could be rough.
• 21:56
  like your skin might break out, you might feel lethargic and drowsy, all these things. Because all the toxins are coming out of your body and you're going to experience some symptoms. But then once you get past that part,
• 22:11
  you feel ten times better because now it's all out. Same thing with the emotional detox. You may feel feelings of anger, hurt, it might bring you to tears, frustration, that's all the toxins coming out emotionally. You work through that, once you get past that you're going to feel ten times better.
• 22:33
  And then it's the next step is we do more with the letter, we kind of revamp it with some things and we kind of walk through the rest of the process. But that first draft is huge in the process of healing.
• 22:46
  Folks, he's giving you free advice. And I remember now, as you're saying, while you saw my smiling ear to ear, I have these letters. They're in my phone. I wrote them. I remember now listening to you and following them. And what ultimately I ended up doing, because it wouldn't release, was I went to EMDR and we had to assign logic to it. And I almost, I had to do it over computer because of the pandemic. And I almost broke my computer. It took me two hours.
• 23:14
  Two things. And I was sitting there having that conversation with my mother. It was – but I was exhausted for two days after. And it was like it freed everything. And then right after that, it went deep. So thank you, bro. Thank you. And when we're together next time, I'll show you the letters because I followed it, bro. This stuff works. Yeah.
• 23:38
  And this is, we went right to the root, guys. There's so many people out there listening that are gonna be like, that's not me. Or I'm not, I watch, I've seen it all. I coached a guy the other day that literally is in the most toxic relationship and then he avoids it. He runs, he goes to four concerts a week.
• 23:59
  And I'm like, dude, just be alone. Just be alone. What do you not like about yourself? And he's like, and then he just threw it up there. He's like, well, my parents beat me and that's what this is all about. It's like, okay, so what are we going to do with this? Yeah. I'm going to speak for Stefan. I'm going to tell you guys, your partner and your relationship with yourself is the most important thing. It's what's going to make or break you in your life. I give a speech all the time about –
• 24:25
  Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. But it's the pursuit of life. The pursuit of liberty. You have to chase that thing and cultivate it. So many people live every day but are dead inside.
• 24:40
  And it's because of not doing this simple thing. And I got a newsflash for everybody, all my listeners. This stuff works for any kind of trauma. What he's saying, it could be any kind of, you could be having problems at work with relationships and work. This is any kind of relationship. Name it, release it.
• 24:57
  Easier said than done. By the way, I got something fun for us at the end that I've never done. I got a speed questions that we're going to speed through because I want to get so much of you crammed into our one hour because I love everything about you. And I promise you listeners, when we move this podcast, he's going to be in my town. We're going to have him back in person and we'll do a long one. So if you watch your content,
• 25:19
  Men seem to get a little bit more of the harsher label. Men have a much more bad reputation than the women. But I see both sides because I'm not in the dating relationship. Is it fair to say that men have a worse reputation than women in dating today? Men definitely have a worse reputation. Do I think they are truly worse? No. No.
• 25:44
  But is their reputation worse? Yes, absolutely. And so, men are battling not just the reality of whatever they're struggling with, but the reputation of men in general that they have to overcome when they're dealing with a woman.
• 25:59
  Because if I told you my exes and I wrote about it so that they've taken on enough abuse and unfortunately they've done what you've seen everybody else. They just continue down the same path, doing the same thing and have the same result. I'm the one that went this way and said, I'm healing. I'm not doing this. I call it getting off of life's merry-go-round because all you do is puke.
• 26:20
  And nobody wants to do that. I'm going to jump off. I'm done playing that game. I want to get on the roller coaster and watch the ups and downs. And let's rock. So why do men get such the bad rap when I could tell you horror stories about some of the women I've dated? Like, god-awful stories.
• 26:39
  One reason is because women are much more vocal about their situations than men are. So, when men go through things with their partner they're more silent, they just more suck it up, keep it moving. They might tell a friend or two, but they don't speak to a bunch of people. They're not as quick to run to the internet so to speak.
• 26:57
  Whereas a woman is much more likely to tell friends, family, run to the internet, all these things, you know, and get things off her chest in whatever way that she sees fit. And I know this as a coach, the unfortunate reality is that a lot of women give skewed stories of what happened, okay. I always say men leave out the parts that make them look weak, women leave out the parts that make them look bad.
• 27:27
  So, eventually if a man was dating a woman and let's just say he was begging for her back at her door crying, stalking her, all this stuff. He's not telling his homeboys that he was begging and crying and stalking and all that. That's not the part of the story he's going to include, okay. So, we don't sometimes understand
• 27:53
  the behavior some of our friends and just men out there engaging once in a relationship. Even some of the most toughest, strongest, most masculine men that we believe are masculine behind closed doors, it's a different story. On the flip side, let's say a woman is... I actually just had this happen recently. Let's say she gets in an argument with her partner. Let's say she start getting loud first. Let's say she threw an object... She always starts it. Okay.
• 28:22
  when she tells the story a lot of times she's not including how she threw her shoe at him, she's not including how maybe she started off getting loud. No, it's oh, he just start yelling at me and all these different things. And so again, she's telling these stories to all these different women
• 28:39
  and all they're hearing is men bad and not hearing well, what contributed to it? What are the other factors involved? And so, these skewed stories create skewed perceptions and again, because women tend to be more vocal well, then their reputation is going to go down. But here's the thing,
• 28:59
  in this new day and age because once upon a time there was no red pill like we know it today. There was no man is fear, right. So, now you have a greater level of men being vocal about their experiences sharing their perspectives. So, now the reputation of women has taken a bigger hit compared to back in the days. But I would still say men's reputation is still worse.
• 29:27
  When I'm sitting here listening to you, besides brilliance and handsomeness, I literally think about 42 questions at once. We're going to be best friends when I'm down there. So many different things that are going on in my head right now. Have you ever heard of the Seinfeld dating scale?
• 29:41
  No, I haven't. So you remember the show Seinfeld? Yeah. It's a show about nothing. And one of the shows was that there's a dating scale. You have to be within two numbers of each other. It doesn't work. I always chuckle, but now I take it a step further. I always had to be within two numbers. You know, if you're an eight, you gotta date a six or a 10. If you're a six, you gotta be eighters or a four.
• 30:05
  I used to think that from looks, but now it's really from an emotional intelligence and healed perspective. But what would your take be on that? I know it's just a joke, but it's, man, I think about it. You know, you're not going to see a perfect bombshell 10 be with a two unless he's got a fat wallet. And, you know, that's not going to last. Yeah. What's your take on that funny? I'm surprised you never heard of it.
• 30:31
  I do, I think there's a level of truth to it. I think, you know, to simplify it even more, it's like, listen, you got to date someone who's around your level. But again, level more so in character, level in maturity, level in healthiness, healing, not so much, I think...
• 30:51
  when we focus too much on the looks or even for a woman his career and money it's like that's when you start to kind of mess up, right. Like not saying those things aren't important and shouldn't be a factor but when we talk about being on our level I think we have to focus more on the character. And so, I do think that if you deviate too far what happens in most cases is that you're getting with someone you're not truly into
• 31:19
  and maybe you found some level of safety dating someone at that level. So, essentially if the woman who's a 10 dates a guy who's a 6, in many cases it's because she feels like whenever she dates nines and tens
• 31:34
  she gets played, they get too much attention, it's too much to deal with. So, let me deal with a six where he'll worship the ground I walk on and it should be safer here. And the same thing can happen with a lot of guys when they deviate too far it's probably because an individual is looking for some type of leverage.
• 31:54
  And that leverage is safety to them because they've been hurt and disappointed before. And I think when you're dating from that perspective that is unhealthy. And the problem is if that 10 isn't going to pour into that 6 in the way that they need the relationship isn't going to work.
• 32:12
  So whatever level you date on, you got to make sure I can be what they need in return. I can give them the level of desire they're looking for in return. Because if not, it's not going to work in the long run. So good. And another thing is, I know that it was you that gave questions, but I'm going to prompt this is when I was dating and I was single and I was looking for the one that I found. Actually, I wasn't looking.
• 32:35
  she just found me in the weirdest place. And that's what happens when you're vibrating at a high level and you're healed, you push away everything that's not for you and it's good. And then when someone is healed, which is very few and far between, which drives me crazy. It's like heal your whole life gets better. Since I did this, my business has gone through the roof. I've got two books. I've got a big brand, everything in my life got better. My relationship with my daughter, um,
• 33:04
  And I'm telling you everything, which you know this already, but I just want to say that out to the thing. So I would always ask my first couple of questions are, what are you doing to improve yourself? What are you working on? What number one question I used to ask is what books are you reading? So you have some questions I remember that you've brought up. What are good questions that people should be asking on a first date to find out are we –
• 33:28
  of good high character. Now remember there, you know, this, that their people are going to get in there and they're going to put on their best foot forward. But I know that if you ask the same question in different ways, like what book are you reading? What do you do in your spare time? It's going to come out if they're, if they're out chasing women or chasing other men, or they don't love themselves.
• 33:49
  What's some questions that you recommend people ask on a first date? And then we're going to get into that manosphere, Miami, trophy wife lifestyle since you're in South Florida. So, with the questions, one, I would say when it comes to evaluating character,
• 34:05
  it's more of observing them than questioning them. Because like you said, if you ask questions people will try to find the right things to say and people aren't always forthcoming in many ways. That doesn't mean don't ask questions, that doesn't mean don't dig as deep as you can because I'm a firm believer that you keep someone talking they will expose themselves.
• 34:26
  Yep. So, you just got to keep pushing and keep talking asking questions. But you got to pay attention and observe. I think one of the best ways to observe someone's character is to see how they treat people in general. Like it's one thing how you are with me but how are you to other people because if for example, you're sweet to me but you have a nasty attitude towards everybody else
• 34:48
  I believe that that nasty attitude is going to show itself to me at some point. You're just masking it for right now. You're not going to be able to sustain it because that nastiness is in you somewhere, somehow, and it hasn't been healed or resolved. So, looking at how they treat people in general. Now, as far as the questions, I do think it also starts with again, what type of partner you're looking for. I think general questions though to ask are things just like... I think an important one that no one seems to talk about enough.
• 35:18
  is what kind of lifestyle do you want to live? I think there's a lot of mismatched couples simply based off lifestyle. And I think people do not understand how much of a conflict that can create over time. So, it's like...
• 35:34
  I don't know why I feel like I need to address this. So, like even with men who sometimes want this hot beautiful woman, right. And initially they're going to come in hard spending that money taking her on nice dates. But it's like man, if that's not the type of lifestyle you like to live as a man because there are some men who just like nice things who this is who they are. They would be living this way even if they were not dating this woman. If you're just doing this for her
• 36:02
  you can't sustain that. And even if you get her you're going to be miserable in the long run because she's going to be expecting to keep coming. And when it stops it's like well, what's going on here? And you can't say oh, well, you're ungrateful or you know, you don't appreciate. No, you tricked her. You were not giving her who you truly are. I think the same thing happens with women in a lot of different ways but
• 36:26
  This is why understanding the lifestyle one is looking for and wants to live and especially for the men identifying okay, what is my lifestyle preference and only accepting a woman who embraces my lifestyle. Who makes it better.
• 36:41
  Yes, who makes it better, who enhances it but who is not requiring things of me that just do not sit well with who I am, you know. If you ever watched a couple where the woman likes to spend money and the man is frugal
• 36:57
  In the majority of those relationships, it is going to be so much conflict, okay? Or even vice versa. Because one has to suppress themselves to keep the other one happy. And it's just not a good recipe for success. So, lifestyle is something that I would ask about. Keep screaming that, what you just said over and over. Because what we don't... Is a true relationship, a healthy, healed relationship, is two people fueling each other up, man.
• 37:27
  It's supposed to be two people on the same team. And it's not...
• 37:33
  It's not simple, but it is easy. It just flows because you know how to communicate. You're not afraid. You're not dancing on eggshells. And keep hammering that because that utopian world, I think people don't think it exists. I'm living proof of it, dude. And I went through everything that you're saying to do. And I'm telling you, this stuff works. Everything he says works. So hammer that.
• 37:57
  that you can have your cake and eat it too with an amazing, beautiful woman if you work on yourself and a beautiful man. I got a newsflash for you ladies because I know you work with a lot of ladies. Healed men do exist. There are a lot of us.
• 38:12
  But you know what we're doing? We're working on ourselves. We're at the gym. We're at our office working. We're not hanging out at the bars and the clubs. Which leads me to my next question is, what's your thought about the Miami lifestyle, this high value man, the manosphere, and the trophy girl along with what our boy Tate, Andrew Tate, is out there spewing? What's your opinion on all that? What I never liked about that
• 38:39
  whole ideology is that it was projecting it onto the everyday man. And the reality is that that's not how the everyday man is wired, all right. That lifestyle is going to appeal to a very small segment of men and I think it was some men were falling into the trap of thinking this is what I should be pursuing. But it's like that's not who you are. Like I have this thing where I call some guys relationship guys.
• 39:09
  And to me relationship guys are not the guys who are wired to be out there dating, seeing different women. They are the guy who they want to have something stable, one woman, and that's where they find their happiness. They don't like all the extra stuff and that's just who they are. So, trying to tell that guy well, you need to be doing this and you need to be having this type of woman. It's like no.
• 39:31
  Encourage men to figure out who they are and embrace what is best for them individually, okay. But yeah, are there some guys out there who their happiness isn't being able to see multiple women or that Miami lifestyle? Yeah, some guys are going to love that for a long time. Some guys might love that for a season and then it runs out of steam, right. But I think everyone needs to learn how to be true to themselves. I also think that with the Miami lifestyle
• 40:01
  It's just too shallow. At least for the purpose of if you want something real, that's not the way to go about it. The men and women are equal parts in this, man. The women are just as guilty as this. And that's what I want people to understand is it's a law of supply and demand. If you look, you will find. So if you're unhealed...
• 40:21
  So I'll pick on myself for a second. So I had a hole in my heart that no amount of women could ever heal. So I would chew through these. I would go toe to toe with Andrew Tate. Chew through women. I would tell them, you don't have a chance in hell. Because my hole in my heart was. Because then guess what? I healed that. And that sounds disgusting to me.
• 40:45
  Disgusting. But it's equal parts. The women make themselves available. How many women would come throw this? I'm going to be the one that changes him. Yeah, good luck with that. So talk about the supply and demand and how you're out there creating, healing people to try to make more supply and demand of healed, healthy relationships. Freaking internet is keeping it hard. And there you go. The internet makes...
• 41:11
  getting people to a healthier place so hard. Because unfortunately on the internet negativity is incentivized. And so, you know, the whole gender wars and all these different stupid topics that are repeated over and over and over again about men. Women want six feet, six figures, six pack all this stuff and men... And it's like, and don't get me wrong, I think it's not that some of the things being said are not accurate. It's just that again, the pushing of these things
• 41:40
  is on overdrive because that's what gets clicks and views and that's what brings people money and allows them to be successful pushing certain narratives. And what I don't like is how the internet will push a narrative with no context.
• 41:55
  And so, it doesn't give people a deeper understanding of what's going on. It's not as simple as saying oh, well, 70% of divorces are initiated by women which is true. But you got to take a deeper dive into why that is, all right. Or if you say well, like I hate the whole men love unconditionally, women don't. It's like wait a minute, slow it out. Number one, love can be unconditional relationships or not.
• 42:24
  Relationships all have to have conditions. There's no way around that, okay. And the reality is that I don't care how much a man loves. Yes, men may remain in relationships even when they're miserable and unhappy. But it's not because oh, they're just loving so much more. No, there's deeper issues that man has not addressed. I can't tell you how many times I've received a DM from a man who's like my woman disrespects me, she does this, she does that. But I don't want to lose her.
• 42:54
  And it's like, wait a minute, what? Okay, like she is making your life hell and you're still trying to hold on for dear life. That speaks to something in you that needs to be addressed and healed. We can't just say oh, men are just greater lovers. No, so this lack of context skews all these discussions and it creates, it keeps the chaos ongoing. But to go back to the whole
• 43:22
  the supply and demand and the women also with this whole lifestyle. Unfortunately, you know, a lot of women are choosing that quote unquote Miami type lifestyle. One, for some of them it simply boils down to they feel like relationships are going to hurt them regardless. It's the whole I'm sure you've heard the saying before they rather cry in the Rolls Royce than cry in the Corolla, okay.
• 43:50
  So, it's like all right, if I'm going to be put through nonsense if I'm going to be hurt anyway well, let me benefit by receiving these perks of a man who can provide and give this lifestyle and things of that nature. I also think that listen, the reality is that from the beginning of time women have desired provision, lifestyle, many, okay. And so, because the internet has created a level of access never seen before in human history
• 44:19
  Well, a lot more women are taking advantage of that because once upon a time your chances of meeting a celebrity, an athlete, a guy who makes money it was tough, all right. You had to wait till maybe they were popping up at your local club and then try to go there hope to be seen whatever. Now, if you're a beautiful woman you can just open your DM's and you might find them.
• 44:44
  All right, or if you're bold enough you can slide in their DMs and you can find... It's just a different world now. And so, all of that leads to again, a lot more unhealthiness. But one thing I always say is like listen, no matter where you are in life and no matter what your beliefs are I think one of the things that we need to get to to at least help with less toxic relationships and more healthy ones is just honesty.
• 45:11
  All right, so my thing is all right, if there's a woman out there and that's what she wants, she wants that high life and there's a man out there and he wants multiple women. All right, just be real with each other then. Be real with each other and if those two adults sign up for that, that's their choice because at least it diminishes the the negativity and the impact of of hurt from deception.
• 45:37
  All right, because everyone knows what they signed up for they're okay with it they may eventually grow out of that and realize you know what that life isn't for me but at least it doesn't linger with hurt and betrayal. And so, I think that's the one of the core principles we need to get to is just everyone just be real with each other, you know. And for those who want something real do not entertain those individuals who again who are living a life that is contrary to what you truly desire and want for yourself.
• 46:05
  how you can tell that is the level of the conversation. It's if you, if you're having a conflict and you can't discuss it, that's someone that needs to work on themselves. Like we, so I, my girlfriend and I had had our first big blowout and it was about me sleeping. Like I, I have got to sleep. I'm finally of an age now, Stefan, where I value sleep. I'm $40, but be 50 soon. I go, I run hot. I get up at four o'clock in the morning and I go until eight, eight 30 and I fall on my face.
• 46:35
  And it's, I need sleep. So when she's on a different time zone and we end up messing things up and I can't sleep, I can't function the next day. So we literally said as a team, we said, listen, here's the problem. It isn't.
• 46:49
  how we spoke is i'm exhausted because i came to you and it was too long story short it's just saying and finding the real issue and what i used to run into all the time is people that couldn't women that couldn't communicate they were nervous they were scared they didn't think that they deserved me and what i got a newsflash if you think you can or you think you can't you're right so you're going to absolutely
• 47:12
  Force what you think. So I've watched women that I treated like gold go off and cheat with lesser, with literally men who have nothing. Because they thought that that's what they deserved. And that's what you helped me through, my friend. You made sense of that and why they did that. And I'm like, oh. And I must have went back and listened to that a million times. Listen, we're talking about vulnerability. I want to hit on intimacy a little bit. Okay. Because...
• 47:39
  I'm sure you've heard of this, intimacy, into me I see. That's actually the first time I've heard that. Really? Into me I see, it's sharing what is really going on. So I did this during plant medicine ceremony I did. I did 5-MEO.
• 47:57
  And I was able to separate love, sex and intimacy. For me, they were all one in the same. And I know you talk a lot about intimacy and sex, but I took it a step further and thought that love, sex and intimacy were all the same thing.
• 48:15
  So how I know that you work with a lot of women about this. So how do women confuse sex and intimacy and why does it matter? Okay. It is actually matters a lot. This is a huge issue. And there's a huge disconnect between men and women when it comes to this. So for women, one intimacy for them really is more non-sexual.
• 48:39
  hugging, kissing, deep conversations, showing just attention, care, attentiveness, that is all intimacy for them. Intimacy allows them to feel loved and desired and appreciated and valued, right. Sex is more of a physical act that yes,
• 48:57
  the elements of intimacy can be expressed through the sexual experience but sex itself isn't really going to satisfy the intimacy. So, that's why like if you have a man who he just wants to have that sex there's no hugging, there's no kissing, there's none of that she will still feel a void. She will still not be happy because her needs for intimacy are not being filled, all right. And as men we tend to need more sex
• 49:26
  than we do intimacy. It doesn't mean we don't enjoy intimacy, it doesn't mean we don't want intimacy with our partners with the woman that we truly love. But to neglect the man sexually is going to have a huge negative impact just as to neglect a woman with intimacy is going to have a huge negative impact. And so, I believe it's the different ways that men and women
• 49:51
  communicate with each other or bond with each other and we have to understand the other's need for it. And what happens in today's world is
• 50:01
  The reason why intimacy and sex have gotten intertangled in my opinion... So, there was one time many years ago, I want to say like over like 10 years ago. I got flown into one of the top dating sites, right. I won't say which one right now, but I got onto one of the top dating sites. It was like me and 10 other relationship experts.
• 50:22
  and they give us a tour and they're showing us all the back data on the site and they had a scientist there and she was doing a presentation and she presented how this study that says women want sex just as much as men, right.
• 50:38
  And I stopped her and I said I disagree. And she was kind of shocked like what do you mean this is a study? This is facts, right. I'm like no, no, no. I think you guys are confusing intimacy with sex. If there was door number one hugs, kisses,
• 50:54
  deep conversations and then door number two straight sex the majority of women are choosing door number one, the majority of men are choosing door number two. If you could only choose one door. Of course, most people want both but if you had to choose one that's the way it goes. And what happens is because women are accustomed to getting that intimacy through sex
• 51:18
  that combines it, okay. And that confuses the whole thing but that's not really what it is. So, we have to get to a deeper understanding of it. We have to get to a deeper understanding that women because they are more emotionally wired there's a greater emotional and mental component that goes into them being sexually receptive.
• 51:39
  all right, we don't have that same wiring. We don't need as much as they do to be ready to go, right. If we're stressed out we can look at the sex as our stress reliever. If she's stressed out she may look at the stress as the sex is adding to her stress. Like she's not in a place right now for it she's worried about all this other stuff.
• 52:01
  So, again, we're just very different when it comes to that and I think we're not having the right conversations to eliminate that disconnect so that people can have more harmony with their intimacy and sex and relationships.
• 52:16
  I got to tell you, if you're in a room with nine other relationship experts, there's you and there's nobody else. I've had a lot on this show. I'm biased because, again, your delivery is universal. It's equal. There's no bias. And it's said with so much love. And I can say that from all the healing because I tell you, that was the last piece before I met my now girlfriend was I went and did this plant medicine. I separated love, sex, and intimacy. And by doing that –
• 52:45
  I love you. I do. We're never going to have sex. We're going to explore some cool intimacy because we're going to have some moments and then we'll take this and we'll pay it forward. Once I separated those, I was able to realize why I did what I did. This is my last question. And then we're going to do the rapid stuff. What do you mean when you say we don't attract what we want, we attract who we are? First, don't even think it's about attracting who we are. I think the first deeper issue is who we entertain.
• 53:15
  all right. So, we entertain who we are because the reality is that even in unhealthy states it is possible to attract a healthy, wonderful, amazing person. Because there's different factors that go into attraction. So, it's like okay, if a woman meets you when you are unhealthy,
• 53:37
  but she sees a guy that looks great to her and she's like oh man, I'm interested in him. You're still going to be able to attract that woman despite you being in an unhealthy place. But if she is truly healthy and you are unhealthy you will struggle to entertain her, you will struggle to nurture it, you will struggle to sustain that relationship with her. Now, do I believe that if you are in an unhealthy place
• 54:04
  you are increasing your chances of attracting unhealthy people, yes, all right. But again, it's really about who you entertain and your ability to embrace individuals when you are not at that place. And the same thing happens on the other side. If you are healthy you're still going to have both unhealthy and unhealthy people come your way.
• 54:27
  But because you are healthy your ability to entertain an unhealthy person is damn near eliminated, okay. Like outside of of course because we're all human beings and again like it is still possible for an extremely healthy man
• 54:43
  to entertain an unhealthy woman for even just a little bit if he's just like so attracted to her and sometimes men get blinded by man this is the hottest woman I've ever come across. But his ability to keep it going and sustain is like he can't do it. His healthiness is not going to allow him to keep being in that woman's presence, right. But he may have moments of like maybe I could give it a try and then he entertains like no this ain't going to work I can't do this any longer.
• 55:12
  Can I share a vulnerable point about that? You know what? I've healed so much in that separate, that love intimacy and that literally I cannot get aroused if they're not intellectually stimulating. And it used my stick when I was unhealed, when the wind blew, I was turned on. Yeah, I can't. I don't care how hot you are. If you don't stimulate me intellectually or you don't have something to add, dude, he won't even work.
• 55:41
  That's healing brother, that's healing. Yeah, listen and the way I... The analogy I give is like eating healthy. When you only ate bad you did not feel the effects of the bad things you ate the same way, all right. You may have thought being tired after eating was... We're just getting the itis, that's just the way it is, right.
• 56:03
  a lot of unhealthy symptoms we experience we just think are normal. But then when you clean yourself out and you start eating cleaner the minute you eat something bad it hits you in a way that it never hit you before. And so, your ability to tolerate that is hugely diminished. Now, again like I said even the healthy either might have a donut every now and then because temptation gets the best of you. But your ability to consistently eat donuts
• 56:33
  is gone because you now feel the negative effects in a way that you never did before. So that's where we are is going to impact what we entertain and what we engage with. Man, this has been so good. I haven't even scratched. I have hundreds of more questions. We'll keep it for part two. But now I'm going to switch to some rapid fires. Just one sentence or one or less on these. And let's have some fun. All right. Red flag you can't ignore even on date one.
• 57:03
  Red flag, I can't. And this is me personally. Well, what you'd recommend for your students? I think rude behavior to people. I think if they're just a rude person, nah, it's a wrap. It's not going to work. Biggest turnoff that most people don't even realize is a turnoff. I hate to be redundant, but I think it's like negative energy.
• 57:23
  I think bad energy. You can feel it, by the way. Yes. I can walk into a room, and if we're ever together, and we're out, and you see me disappear, I picked up some naked marriage. And I'm like, I had to go. I'll see you out in the, you know. I can feel it. Ooh. That's a good answer. You know, I'll add one more real quick. Entitlement.
• 57:44
  Oh, that's what I was going to say. I think an entitled man or a woman will turn off a person very fast and don't even realize why. Worst piece of relationship advice you've ever heard. The one that first comes to mind is find someone who loves you more than you love them.
• 58:02
  I think it's horrible. You're such a treat, man. This is making my day. Most overrated quality people chase in a partner. I think how much they make. I would just say money, money, money. It's funny because I answer these right after I say it. One toxic trait that is still praised in today's dating world.
• 58:23
  I'm not going to say it's praised, but I'm going to say it's tolerated or made excuses for arguing in relationships. And we're not talking about disagreeing, we're talking about arguing. Like there's a lot of people that will say, oh, arguing is healthy. Arguing is not healthy. Being negative towards each other, disrespectful is not healthy. All right, now we got a topic for the next podcast. We're going to go deep into that. I like that. Oh, so much to you, my man.
• 58:50
  Text back fast or play it cool. Text back when you honestly are ready to text back. Like, don't play any games. Just respond. So if you can't text fast, text fast. If you can't, you can't. But be who you are. Just dawned on me why I resonate with authenticity. You are you all the time, man.
• 59:11
  Date someone with potential or wait for the full package. Wait for the full package. We're out of the... Hell yes. If you guys don't take nothing, never settle. Ever. Ever. There's somebody out there for you. I'd like to end it on that, but I got a couple more that are so good I want to ask. Sex on the first date, a deal breaker or not?
• 59:30
  I'm not going to call it a deal breaker. Many have gotten married even after sex on the first date. I'm just going to call it not the smartest approach to take. Or not the most... That's not the best approach to take. Let's put it that way. That's so good. Who takes breakups harder, men or women?
• 59:47
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• 1:00:18
  I'm going to say men. You get one. Chemistry or compatibility? I'm going to say... Okay.
• 1:00:27
  I'm going to say compatibility. But it's so tricky. But I'm going to say compatibility using the logic that if on paper there's a full alignment there, then I'm going to go with that. But I'm not going to lie. That's the most iffy answer I've given because I'm wavering between the two. I knew this would be a hard one. What's one thing every man should stop doing today?
• 1:00:54
  This is the one that's coming to mind, but every man doesn't do it, but watch porn. God's honest truth. And my girlfriend's going to kill me for this. I don't watch porn. It's just too fake for me. And she's like, can we watch the porn? I'm like, I'm not. It just doesn't. I said, if you want to, I'll do it for you. Don't like it. So I would be more open to it in a couple setting than men individually watching it.
• 1:01:19
  It's amazing. You coach a lot of people. I didn't realize how big of an issue that was in the world. I coach a lot of men. I have coached a lot of men that that was an issue. I didn't know. I had no clue. What's one thing every woman should start doing? Tapping into her feminine energy. We didn't even get into masculine feminine. We got so much more to do the next one. Jealousy, a sign of care or a sign to run? Yeah.
• 1:01:46
  It depends to the extent of the jealousy. I think jealousy is a normal feeling for those who care and love someone but how far they take it will tell me if it's a sign to run or not.
• 1:01:59
  Yeah, I mean, you're going to be triggered. You're going to have those feelings. I've got abandonment issues. I've worked on them. I pretty much will heal them. But every once in a while, someone texts, and I'm like, who's that? And I get a little joke. But then I end it. I just talk to myself and release it. I will say...
• 1:02:17
  though I give grace and I believe it is normal to experience that because we're all human, I do think some people have to take a deeper look and realize, okay, where is this coming from? Because for some people that jealousy stems from they're not still getting what they need in that relationship to feel secure enough to where those moments don't bother them. So, if it's a constant thing, we do have to take a deeper look at the situation. There's so much more to this that we've cut off. A true love feels like... Peace. Peace.
• 1:02:47
  Actually, peace and chaos. Because the chaos is only because we've been through so much. When you already live a certain amount of life and you've been through things, it can just have you all over the place. And it could... I look at it like this. I use the superhero analogy.
• 1:03:11
  when a superhero arises a villain must come. Duality. There's that duality. When true love arises resistance tends to come from somewhere. It's like it has to try to knock it off. So, that's where if you are not grounded, if you are not healthy, if you're not truly ready that's where the chaos can come from. But when you are in the presence of true love in those moments it feels so blissful and peaceful.
• 1:03:39
  And come, it will. Resistance will come. That's part of life. That's the roller coaster I was telling you about. What's one word, two more and I'll get you out here. What's one word that kills relationships fast? Misunderstanding. Cheating. There's another good one, yeah. You can heal one thing in the dating world today. What is it? Everybody being healed. If I could have one, everybody would. I love you. I love you. I really do wish...
• 1:04:09
  that everybody would work on themselves and get together and enjoy what we enjoy. And Stefan, how can more people get a hold of you? I'll put everything in the show notes. Steven will put it in the show notes. But how can people get a hold of you and what's next? So they can find me, YouTube, social media, Stefan Speaks, S-T-E-P-H-A-N Speaks, or my store, stefanspeakshop.com.
• 1:04:32
  Right now working on another book won't be doing a tour this year but I will be on books for several shows. Next year plan on doing a lot of tours. Right now I'll be honest with you I'm in a transition where I'm trying to figure out where to go from here and how to expand and get things on the right track with everything.
• 1:04:53
  Well, you're on the right track. Different levels, different levels. You got to go. You got to grow. And I'm coming down and I'm going to harass you. And I'm going to ask you to come talk to the community. And then we're going to do some things together. I love this stuff, man. I love this. I love you. And I can't wait to get down there and hug you. And just thank you for playing today. And I hope, guys, I know I'm not going to have to tell you to share this. But share this with the men and the women that are...
• 1:05:19
  constantly on that dating merry-go-round and need a change. By the way, Stefan's YouTube channel has so many free things on it. So go there. Go down that rabbit hole. He healed me. Didn't even know it until he met me. Yeah. So, guys, until next week, be harder than life.
• 1:05:39
  Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Segal supporters. Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with, delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.