Latest / Alive, I Guess Podcast / Episode 16 - Making New Friends Be Happenin

Transcript

Episode 16 - Making New Friends Be Happenin · Alive, I Guess Podcast

• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: What's up, yo?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to your safe space.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, RJ, and this is the Alive I Guess Podcast.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: If you're new here, welcome.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you for joining.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've been here, welcome back.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you as always.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Be sure to follow us on social media at Alive I Guess Podcast.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: For any inquiries, questions, concerns, email alive I guess podcast at gmail.com.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: For I Say This With Love submissions, visit tinyURL.com slash AIGP advice.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: And don't forget to follow us on the Patreon for that exclusive bonus content for just seven dollars a month.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Today we are going to be discussing making new friends specifically as adults.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: If you have been fortunate enough to make new friends as an adult, you understand that it is a different process for one that you went through maybe as a kid, teenager, maybe in college.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's a bunch of different factors at play when you're considering bringing somebody new into your life that you didn't really have to face when you were younger.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: And nobody really talks about that.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, here at the Alive I Guess podcast, we're gonna get into it.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_00: But before we do that, you already know we gotta do a moment of gratitude.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're listening, say something out loud that you're grateful for.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are watching, drop something below in the comments.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Today I am grateful for a full, uninterrupted, quality night of sleep.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: I got some pretty good sleep last night, and I feel the difference.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: I know when I don't sleep well, when I do sleep well, I think about when I used to just sleep all night, every night, and how much I took it for granted.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: And if I could get more nights of sleep like I had last night, life will look a lot better.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: So I am grateful when they come around because they are few and far in between.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: But alright, let's get into it.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Because making new friends be happening.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Let's just address the elephant in the room.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: Making new friends as an adult can be weird.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: It can be awkward.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, how much do I give?
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: How much do I show?
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: What if this person is lying with me?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there's a whole slew of things that we weren't faced with as a kid.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and so it's like, why is making friends so weird as an adult?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: Well, when you're a kid, proximity really helped with the whole friend making situation.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like you made friends in school, if you were in sports, if you went to church, you have the adults in your life who may be family, or maybe they're your parents or the adults' friends.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: They have kids and they became your friends.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it was just a lot easier, more frequent to meet people that you were more aligned with as a kid.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Today, we'd be at work, we'd be at home, we go grocery shopping.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: If you have kids, you're doing stuff for your kids, and so you're not gonna be around as many like-minded people as you once were.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Plus, you know, historical context, maybe you've opened yourself up in the past and you got burned.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like, oh, I'm not finna just be out here being friendly, smiling in everybody's face.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: So you have this reservation to you that doesn't allow you to open up.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, there's a few different ways we could look at this.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: And because we aren't really around people who are like-minded, that we just have like overlapping things in our lives that bring us around other adults.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_00: You have to be really intentional when you're seeking people that you want to add to your life.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: And it low-key could feel like dating, the way you have to vet people and test the waters and see kind of where people's headspace are at, and if it aligns with you, that's a lot of effort.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: If people be tired, like we go to work and have less energy than we just did as kids.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if you have kids, of course, that's a whole other ball game in terms of how much time you have and capacity, and for the simple fact, like, the older you get, the more established you are, and it's like less openness to letting new people in to disrupt that.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you kind of know how things are, you understand the people in your life, the places in your life, you've got a good like foundation.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's like if I add somebody to that, is it gonna throw things off?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Is it gonna change anything that I've already set up for myself?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: So there is a hesitation when going back and forth on deciding if you want to add new friends.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: Plus, who wants to admit they need new friends or that they're lonely or that they've outgrown the people that are in their lives?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: There is just so many different blockers that can come up when we're considering bringing in new friends.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: But once you do decide, like, hey, I'm ready to bring in more people into my life, then we start the vetting process.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_00: And with the vetting process comes that a lot of vetting.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: As I mentioned, you may have been burned in the past, had bad experiences with people, maybe you've opened yourself up to other people in the past.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_00: I recently just connected with somebody who was sharing the same sentiment as I am because we're being very intentional with building a new friendship.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like I've had people who said they wanted a relationship with me, a friendship with me, and turn around and just were just terrible, shitty human beings.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, naturally that means they're not gonna be good friends, and so now I'm skeptical about opening myself up, or like myself, I've had people in the past who I love dearly to this day, even if we are not in connection, and people have faults, and sometimes those faults can leave scars just with the experience that you have with them, and so you debate if you want to put yourself back in that position to potentially get hurt again because you have to relearn or learn a completely new person, the way they operate, the way they think, how they handle conflicts.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: So it's like, do I really have the energy to do this again?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: So in vetting, you gotta be selective, and there's a fine line you gotta walk with being selective versus closed off.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of my friend rebuilding came like 2021, and I didn't even really recognize that's what was happening, but 2021, new people started coming into my life, not necessarily as friends, but just new adults that I was interacting with, and the friends that I had up to this point were friends that I had in college, if not before.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: And we had already gone through so many different things by that point.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't think I needed new friends.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I have the friends that I've had for so long, I know them well, they know me.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: We are growing and changing, and our lives are looking different than it did in college, of course, but I know the lay of the land.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: And at this time, the new people who are coming in are not people that I'm seeking as friends.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people are people who I knew in school, the people who are now my friends.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: I actually started off as their client, and my stellar personality won them over, and now we're friends.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: But that wasn't the beginning of the relationship.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like I was a client of theirs, and we built a relationship over time.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: So at the beginning, no, I wasn't expecting to meet new people, but on one end, I'm seeing that this person or these people are more aligned with the person that I'm becoming, and I can open myself to being acquaintances with them and sharing a little bit more as I see them, versus these people that I've known for years know this old version of me, have these ideas of me and don't really align with the person that I'm becoming, but we have history.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're used to dealing with certain friends, certain people, certain personality types, and you've been going through life and experiencing things so much, red flags stick out much easier.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are trying to establish a relationship and build and expand upon a relationship with a person, you might not be open to overlooking red flags like you used to because you don't really know this person, you don't feel like you owe anything to them, versus someone that you've known for a while.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: If they got red flags, you've kind of gotten used to overlooking them, forgiving them, justifying them.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: But the vetting process, anything that shouts, whoa, be be careful, might usually come up with a blocker.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: But circling back, that's why it's important to be selective versus being closed off.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you are vetting intentionally, you being open is going to be helpful for breaking through the discomfort and letting yourself be vulnerable to a certain extent while you're learning this person versus being selective and deciding what it is that you want to share, how you want to show up, and what ways do you want this friendship to build?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Because not everyone is for everything, not every friend is gonna fit all the different interests and situations in your life.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: So this is why you need to be selective, but not necessarily closed off as well.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: You also gotta keep in mind, especially in the early days, energy matching.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: Is this person showing up the way that I'm showing up?
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: Am I putting too much into the relationship and not getting much back?
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Or opposite, are they putting in a lot?
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: And now it's like, what does this mean?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: Like, are they overstepping a boundary?
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: But they could just be feeling the same way that you're feeling.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Like it's so many different variables that you have to take into consideration, but you're also juggling, is this even worth it?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: Is this even gonna go anywhere?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Having your own insecurities from past trauma with past people, and not even feeling like this is worth it at times, but also wanting it and desiring new friends and new connections so bad.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: So then you wind up in this like limbo space where it's like, are we just friendly or are we actually friends?
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Is this as far as the relationship can go, or are we still being hesitant with each other because we're still feeling each other out?
• 11:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like, the vetting process is not for the week, but it is worth it if you are looking to make some valuable, deep connections with people, which I have had in my adult life.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: So I know it is possible.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: You just have to be very intentional and patient with the process.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: Like I said, starting out with the friends that I have today, I was not necessarily seeking out new friends, but they became people who are very near and dear to me.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_00: There are even people that I went to school with, had no relationship with when my time during our time at school together, who are I'm extremely close with, like family, like maybe we too close at this point.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I know too much about y'all.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: I love you dearly.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: We're very close.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: You know who I'm talking to.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: But these are quality friends that I have now, and so something that I keep in mind with anything that I look at in life is like quality over quantity.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'd rather have two, three solid individuals in my life versus the dozens of people that were really just acquaintances that really didn't fit what I needed, but because of history, because of familiarity, because of all the other things I can go on about, I kept around honestly, probably past the point that I should have.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: But I would rather have four quarters versus 20 nickels, 100 pennies, shit, ten dimes.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I'd rather have my core, my few core, my ride or dies versus people that you gotta kinda second guess all the time.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's not friendships, those are acquaintances.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: So when you know that you want quality over quality, what else is important?
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: To me, reciprocity.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: Are you riding for me the ways I'm riding for you?
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_00: Does this relationship really cultivate a space of trust and community and open communication?
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: Or is it only like that from my side to yours?
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I need someone who's going to show up for me the way I'm going to show up for them.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: And the ways in which I show up, that's asking a lot of people.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because I'm gonna be there for my friends.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna support.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_00: You can really call me whenever you need, you can really come see me whenever you need.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I am going to be there.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: And if you can't do that for me, I don't really need you in my life.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I am so grateful I have those individuals now.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: But you don't get that when you got a ton of random people who really aren't your core, or maybe you've outgrown and can't show up those ways anymore.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like reciprocity is so key today.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: If it ain't reciprocated, you could keep it because that's not gonna serve me no good, and I'm not gonna tolerate it.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you're building a safe space and a safe connection with a person, you're going to show that person the real version of you, and vice versa.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's you aren't in a space or in a connection that feels safe, you're not gonna show up completely as your full self, and so you're gonna have to go into it with some sort of facade, and that's not a relationship worth maintaining, worth investing your energy into.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: And to me, like that's just a waste of time.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: So, as an adult, this version of myself who knows what they give to the friends and the people in their lives, that's what I need.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so I need to be able to show up authentically, and I'm not gonna be able to do that if I don't feel like you're reciprocating my energy, and I feel I can't trust you.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: So, what why would we even do that?
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: So that that's a huge thing.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I need to be able to be me in all my glory and my weirdness, and be able to just do the things that naturally come in my different cycles and rhythms and emotional swings and it not be a problem.
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: The people in my life today know sometimes RJ gonna fade away into the darkness for a little bit.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: I need to just be able to go away and come back recharge.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's not personal, I'm not mad at nobody.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: I just need moments where things get too loud to just retreat and not be in the way, be out in the open, be anywhere where I can be perceived.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: I just need time to myself.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes what that includes is maybe I'm not picking up the phone right now.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I'm turning my location off.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I'm gonna return your text next week.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a long amount of time where I do these things, but it happens.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm coming out of one right now.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: And the people in my life know, like, oh, RJ just went into their hole for a second, but they're coming back.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna leave them alone.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: It that's why it's important for people to understand who you are.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you don't know that, if I don't show that side, you're gonna naturally think I'm doing this because I'm upset at you.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you did something, you think I'm just weird and I'm ghosting you, but that's that's not the case.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like sometimes I just need a moment to myself to get myself together and come back.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like a butterfly who cocoons a lot.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: I go back to Caterpillar to the cocoon a lot every two to three months for like a week.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: And that's okay.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's part of me.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_00: And if you understand that, that's wonderful.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: But you have to get to know people in their fullness so that you can understand that and not take it personally.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: Which brings me to my next point.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_00: Something that is important with making new friends as an adult to me, I need people who have their own lives.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: I am married.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: I have this podcast, I have another business with my wife, I have family members that I go see, I have all these different elements under my umbrella.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna be available all the time.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: If you have no life and your world revolves around me, first of all, I don't want that.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want nobody obsessed with me at all.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: Not even my wife.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you need to have your own life, you need to have your own world that you are fully immersed in and not worried about me.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_00: You need to be able to go talk to other friends because I don't believe like I need to be your only friend.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: That used to be something that kind of came up when I was a kid.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like, people I would deal with would be upset that I have other friends, but like I have other friends, I have other areas of my life that I go to, so I'm gonna know multiple people in multiple different areas of those lives.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't need to be your whole world, and you don't need to be mine.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: We don't have to be buddy buddy.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: My best friend and I we used to see each other all the time because we went to school together.
• 19:10
  SPEAKER_00: We used to live close together after school, and then we got to our late 20s, early 30s, and life changed.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm married now, they got their own thing going on.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: We are just booked and busy, and now we barely talk and barely see each other.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: Now that is something we're working on, but I'm not about to throw the whole relationship away because they're busy and they got a life, and we catch up and we say these things and express how busy and how much we want to kick it every time we talk, and vice versa.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: They do the same thing with me, like it's just understood, which takes me back to my last point.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: This is why you need people to really know the true version of you because shit changes, life changes, we grow, more responsibilities come, and you're not gonna be as accessible and available as maybe you once were in one period of your life.
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: So you need people who are gonna understand that.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: Since my experience of getting such a swap in my friend circle in my mid-20s was so drastic because my previous friends were people that I knew for so long and were so connected to and had so much past shared history with, versus starting really from scratch.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: Like the core of my friends are essentially new folks that I've met in the last five, six years.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: So because I've had that experience, another value that is important to me with making new friends is your values aligning with mine is way more important than any past history that we may have.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: Like the length of me knowing you doesn't matter.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I'd rather make sure we are aligned on our core beliefs, on our morals, than it's like I just know you for this long, so you're my friend.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: Cause I have examples of friends or people that I've known for a very long time, and we the things we used to have in common, we do not have in common anymore.
• 21:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because it was just more so things that we did versus what we believe.
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_00: And when I start to realize, like, oh, you still hanging on to that old version, like I moved out of that like years ago.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, oh yeah, like we don't have anything in common.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: And you're gonna run into that naturally as people age and change, like you're just gonna grow apart, some people, especially if you had people from years and years ago.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_00: But even if these are like solid friends, like me and my best friend, still very close, I still love them down.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: And because we have these different responsibilities, different elements and factors to our life that have been added as we age, we don't have as much time together.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: We don't talk as much like we did 10 years ago.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's gonna just like naturally change the dynamic of the friendship.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: But if you don't have anything aligned with your values, the only thing that y'all are hanging on to is history, that's not gonna get you nowhere.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's you're just gonna grow apart and slowly drift away.
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_00: So being aligned on a value level is very important to me.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: I I could have known you my whole life.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: If we don't see eye to eye morally, let's just send this right here.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: So when you're considering all these things during the vetting process and opening yourself up, you start looking at the investment that it takes to put yourself out there and to make these connections and to put yourself in places to make these connections.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: And then you start looking at the things that come with that, the challenges you're faced with considering making the investment and the ROI.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_00: So, what are some things we run up against?
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it takes a lot of energy.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_00: Takes a lot of energy to be consistent and to reach out and to go and hang out and to entertain conversations and to get to know a person and to check in and to remember new factors about their life and remembering their quirks and how they like things and certain topics or events that have significant meaning to their life, birthdays or deaths, or other events that could have come up.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like that takes a lot of energy to remember.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: And we have already been tracking and keeping mind of all the other people and things in our life that that's just another intentional pocket of energy that you have to have on reserve.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_00: So the energy investment is a lot.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta be vulnerable, you gotta let people in and learn you and get to know you, but that could be uncomfortable.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_00: You don't really know this person, you're still filling them out, and there's no real way of knowing if your investment is worth it until after you've invested.
• 24:18
  SPEAKER_00: You can't get a return on your investment until you invest.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_00: So you gotta let the people in, you gotta open up in order to see if this person is someone of value, someone who's going to be there for you.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: And that's uncomfortable, that's tough.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because if it don't work out, that's how you get jaded and make you feel like you can't make friends or you can't open up to people.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: So there's no real way of doing that safely until you do it.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: So that's part of the struggles of investing in building relationships.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta be consistent.
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: That takes time, that takes energy, that takes intentionality.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: It might take a while, but consistency is literally going to be the key of maintaining a solid foundation that you can build the friendship on.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're trying to build that consistency and you already stretch thin, that's just an added layer.
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: Not to mention, nobody really likes being rejected.
• 25:23
  SPEAKER_00: What happens if you invest all this time, effort, energy, and the friendship really doesn't work out?
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: You find out this isn't a person that you really want to have any dealings with, like that's hard.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: But again, you have to invest, you have to try and put forth the effort in order to see if it's gonna work out.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: So there's only one real way of determining if it's going to work, and it's all risk.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_00: And you won't see if you get the reward until after.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: One of my friends who I'm super cool with, like it's my dog.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_00: We started off as I was there, I was a client of theirs.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, that's what I'm thinking is gonna be.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure this is what she's thinking is gonna be too.
• 26:11
  SPEAKER_00: But, you know, you go in and y'all sitting there for a couple hours, interacting, talking.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, you start to open up a bit more.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: Eventually, they start to ask about historical context, about past events you were telling them you were gonna be at.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: You start asking them, you start to understand more about their upbringing and their family dynamic.
• 26:35
  SPEAKER_00: You start to also know how they work and understand their personality more.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_00: And it just kind of naturally grows over time.
• 26:44
  SPEAKER_00: That relationship started in 2021, and today, like we are tight.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm still a client of theirs, but like we are friends, like really good friends, solid friends, solid individual.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_00: And that wouldn't happen if I wasn't vulnerable, if they weren't vulnerable, if we weren't consistent, like we could have just got quiet at these appointments and just been keeping it short and brief.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_00: But I think early on we saw what the other had to offer and wanted to build something further, but we both have been jaded and we took our time with it.
• 27:29
  SPEAKER_00: And I could say after these five years, almost five years completely, like it was worth it.
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: But it really, really took some time.
• 27:39
  SPEAKER_00: And now we could talk about anything, like we have some good discussions and conversations about anything, but that wouldn't have started off if I couldn't show up as myself, if we didn't have reciprocity with one another, we've been to each other's events, birthday parties, done cooked for each other.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it's just like a mutual respect and values, and we are aligned, and so that's why the relationship works.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I have a few different relationships like this, not necessarily client, but the same time, effort, and energy was put into each of these relationships, and they have all blossomed.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I am so fortunate that I have strong relationships, great relationships and friendships with these people.
• 28:31
  SPEAKER_00: Not to say the past ones weren't good in reflecting, like they had a great run, they really did.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: They're just different factors of like being a kid and certain events that happen during the time of the friendship and the natural outgrowing that kind of happens that change that.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: But when you are intentionally building these friendships versus getting friends due to proximity, it's more aligned with who you are and who you're growing into versus I just have known you for a while, so that's why you're here.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_00: Like, no, this is more homegrown, this is more from the soul.
• 29:15
  SPEAKER_00: And after you have put in all the initial effort to establish and determine if this is a relationship you want, it's such a relief when it pays off.
• 29:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's such a relief when the energy that you put into a person because you were banking on that person being good is right.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_00: The person winds up being a sound, solid individual.
• 29:41
  SPEAKER_00: Like that is amazing with not only just having a new friend, but that trust in your own instinct that you put yourself out there because you had a hunch and you had a feeling about this thing, this person, and it turned out right.
• 29:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's so new, it's so fresh.
• 30:02
  SPEAKER_00: The person gets you, even if they don't have all the historical context, like they get to see you before they know the history completely, if that makes sense, versus someone who's been here for a while and is stuck in this old version of you and may not see the new person that you're growing into.
• 30:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's such a relieving feeling of this is who I am, and let me give you some context versus someone who thinks you're still this person from before and not aligning you to the person that you are today and wanting to keep you there because that's the person that they knew, and this person doesn't align with who they are.
• 30:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's such a load off when you don't have to worry about trying to catch someone up to where you are.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's just like, oh, let me give you some insight to how I got here because it was Rocky.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_00: People who know me today don't know me as someone who used to drink and party and be volatile at times and more emotionally unregulated, versus people who knew me during that time and maybe aligned with who that person was more and saw me come out of that and be more healed, it challenged things in my relationship.
• 31:18
  SPEAKER_00: And it's like same scenario where I've grown to this point, but the vantage point is different, and the appreciation for the person they're coming across is different because it's all fresh context, and there's such a lightness to it, it's such a freshness and newness to it, and like more aligned with who you are, and they fit more with what you need in that moment versus holding on to baggage, so to speak.
• 31:51
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if that makes sense.
• 31:53
  SPEAKER_00: Like the people that I met and the people who are in my life, or the people who I knew before, but got established deeper connections now at this point in my life.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_00: I feel it was like divinely time that they are here at this point versus when they could have come in before.
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I know putting yourself out there, taking the risk, opening up to people, investing the time, the effort, the energy with new people and not really knowing if it'll work out, kind of like dating today, it could be a lot.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel like, damn, is this even worth it?
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_00: Do I really need new friends?
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're considering it, if it's crossed your mind, if you find yourself lonely or involved with individuals who may not be completely aligned with different things that you want people to be aligned with you on, I think that's your sign that you are ready to make new friends.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: And as we've said before, anything worth having is going to take time.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to take effort.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: It might take you taking three steps forward and a couple steps back, but it's just all part of the process.
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_00: You're working and unworking and changing things, switching things up.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like there's two parts of you or two different people in this relationship that are trying to establish the same thing, but y'all are coming from two different worlds.
• 33:24
  SPEAKER_00: And so it might take some tweaking, some adjusting, some oh, I don't like that, and showing you cards and letting the other person see and decide on what they do and don't want.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_00: But it's all worth it.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_00: You just gotta really decide if that's what you want to deal with, that if that's what you want to put forward and move forward with it.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_00: Except that it's going to take some time and energy.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's not gonna happen as organically as it used to when we used to just have class with people and go to recess or hang out after school together like we did before.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like it it really takes some intentionality and effort.
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna take you putting yourself out there in more ways than one.
• 34:05
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna take you saying yes to some opportunities and going places and going to events when you really want to stay home, but you gotta put yourself out there to get the exposure to get around people who are more aligned with the things that you want.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are like me, someone who is really like reciprocity based, maybe sometimes it's gonna take you doing the follow-up.
• 34:31
  SPEAKER_00: I know, I know.
• 34:33
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's like, damn, I follow up every time.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_00: We're still learning this person.
• 34:39
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that's something y'all can talk about as you further develop.
• 34:42
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you can understand what it is and why they are the way they are when it comes to following up.
• 34:47
  SPEAKER_00: But as you're establishing, as you're learning, as you're growing, you might have to just bite the bullet and do the following up.
• 34:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that ego, that pride, is gonna be like, I'm followed up last time, I'm not gonna do it.
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_00: But if it's worth it to you, put in a little effort and just make the text, make the call, check in, and give it some time.
• 35:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna take some repetition.
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's not like the old days where you could kick it once and be like, we're gonna be friends.
• 35:16
  SPEAKER_00: Like, it takes a lot of time to nurture an environment that allows the friendship to form.
• 35:23
  SPEAKER_00: So be patient.
• 35:24
  SPEAKER_00: And just one final piece of advice from someone who held on to people way past their expiration.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_00: If the relationship, if the friendship, if the person is no longer serving you, is no longer aligned with you, is causing more harm or damage or stagnation than they are growth and prosperity, let it go.
• 35:52
  SPEAKER_00: Let it go.
• 35:53
  SPEAKER_00: I know it sucks.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_00: I know you thought this person would be in your life forever.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_00: But people come around for reasons or seasons.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe this person you thought was a reason was really a season.
• 36:05
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it was a long season, but it was a season.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_00: And seasons change, seasons end.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_00: So if this person is someone who is no longer fitting into the person that you are today, it's time to let them go.
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_00: Be appreciative of the time that you had with them, cherish the memories that you have with them, and wish them well.
• 36:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because we need to open up and make more room for people who are going to really give us what we need in this version, in this stage of our life.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_00: And if we're holding on to past people, experiences, baggage that we don't need, we ain't moving in alignment.
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_00: So don't be afraid to open up and put yourself out there.
• 36:49
  SPEAKER_00: Because new friends are out there waiting on you if you allow yourself the opportunity to open up and receive them.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_00: All right, y'all.
• 36:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's everyone's favorite time of the day.
• 37:00
  SPEAKER_00: It is time for I Say This With Love.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_00: As a reminder, if you would like to have one of your submissions read here during this segment, you would visit that tiny URL link and submit your information there.
• 37:11
  SPEAKER_00: What would you do if someone apologized to you for something they did, but their behavior never actually changes?
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_00: I say this with love.
• 37:21
  SPEAKER_00: It depends on the type of person that we're dealing with.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, regardless, bring it to their attention.
• 37:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, hey, I brought this up to you and I noticed this isn't changing.
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_00: I just want to make sure you're aware of it.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_00: But it depends.
• 37:34
  SPEAKER_00: Are you dealing with a narcissist?
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_00: Are you dealing with someone who likes to push things off and not take accountability of things?
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_00: Or are you dealing with someone who is growing and learning and has never dealt with a situation where there's been open communication and expressing your feelings and you know, all the things that come with being a healing adult in the world?
• 37:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, if you're dealing with like a narcissist, then they just playing the game.
• 38:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like they're just trying to keep you on the hook and make it feel like they care, but they don't.
• 38:08
  SPEAKER_00: If you're dealing with someone who this might be a new space for them, or you're starting off pretty early in the relationship, or like this is someone who usually takes accountability, bring it up to them because they might not be aware of it, or maybe they do think they've changed in a way, but it wasn't in the ways in which you had in mind.
• 38:29
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah, just let them know.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, unless you feel like this is like part of this person's game based on how they are, then that's that's a greater conversation.
• 38:41
  SPEAKER_00: But awareness is key.
• 38:43
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like every time I give advice, I say to have the conversation or let the person know.
• 38:48
  SPEAKER_00: Cause like it really boils down to awareness.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_00: People don't know you have a problem if you don't let them know.
• 38:54
  SPEAKER_00: People don't know there's an issue or that they're doing something if you don't communicate that with them.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_00: So now this is a new problem.
• 39:03
  SPEAKER_00: The original issue was the event, the action they were doing.
• 39:07
  SPEAKER_00: Now the issue is you said you change it and you have it.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_00: So this is a whole new thing to bring to their attention.
• 39:15
  SPEAKER_00: So let them know.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, don't be quick to dismiss or get argumentative with a person unless they try to gaslight you.
• 39:24
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, let them know.
• 39:27
  SPEAKER_00: Uh tell them what you're seeing and go from there.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_00: All right, y'all.
• 39:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's it for today's episode.
• 39:35
  SPEAKER_00: As a reminder, be sure y'all following us on social media.
• 39:38
  SPEAKER_00: You follow that Patreon, just$7 a month.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_00: Hit the email if you got any inquiries, questions, concerns, feedback, whatever, and visit the tiny URL link so y'all can submit these I Say This With Love submissions, because uh y'all be going through it, and I'm here to help the people.
• 39:56
  SPEAKER_00: So just let me know.
• 39:57
  SPEAKER_00: Also, exciting, exciting news.
• 40:00
  SPEAKER_00: I can't say too much, but you may or you may not see me talking to another person on one of these episodes very soon.
• 40:12
  SPEAKER_00: Just putting that on your radar.
• 40:14
  SPEAKER_00: But I appreciate y'all for joining me, and as always, I'm RJ.
• 40:18
  SPEAKER_00: This is the Alive I Guess podcast, and I'll see y'all same time next week.
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'ma live I guess.
• 40:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'ma live I guess I'ma live I guess.