Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep24: Mic Drops & Clapbacks: Comics vs. Racists 🤣

Transcript

S3 Ep24: Mic Drops & Clapbacks: Comics vs. Racists 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: It was raining and this motherfucking man splashes them on the bus stop and the light turns red.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: So I was at Bloomingdale's in the clearance section.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: I can afford clearance, not the regular price stuff, okay?
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'm at Bloomingdale's and I see a bag that I like and it doesn't have a price, and I stand by it, and people stop walking, they start walking and no one stops, right?
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: They just walk, walk, walk.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: Finally, a woman walks by Hey, how much is this bag?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, oh it's eight hundred dollars.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna buy that bag.
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, oh, are you?
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: Mmm.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I'm just gonna take the bag.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna hold it up front until you're ready to check out.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: B.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: So we're at the cash register, right?
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: And she's like, typing, typing, whatever.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: And it's taking forever.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I feel like she doesn't think that I'm gonna buy the bag.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like halfway through, I'm gonna be like, JK, I'm poor.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: Bye.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: Typing, typing, typing.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: Now here's the thing you gotta know about me.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: My mom taught me to never complain.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: Like, my mom, well, we don't complain.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if I get the wrong food at a restaurant, I eat the wrong food.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't complain, right?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_01: But this woman's being so terrible, like, obviously terrible, right?
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: She's like, Like, look, I'm sorry, I gotta stop you.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: You are being awful.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: You're being rude, and I'm gonna teach you a lesson.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: I don't even want this bag.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: I'm buying this bag because I've got the money to buy this bag.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: And not only that, this bag is for me, I want you to gift wrap it.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: That bag is for me, but I want to surprise myself.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like, what did I get me?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: I want you to surprise me.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: Gift wrap.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: Gift wrap.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I stood there, I'm like, more ribbon.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_01: I pay, she gives me the card, blah, blah, blah.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, you know, I'm doing this to teach you a lesson.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what it is about me, but for some reason you think that I can't afford to shop here?
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what you expect me to dress, like wear to this store, like what, a fucking wedding gown?
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: I mean.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: And need I remind you that I'm shopping at Bloomingdale's and you're fucking working at Bloomingdale's.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_01: I can't be.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: I gave you my fucking bag, thank you.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: I left.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: I was walking off.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_01: You guys, that is the closest, like that was like the movie Selena.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we don't want that dress.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: Like, you know what I mean?
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, pretty woman, big mistake.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like, that's where I was.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, ooh.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: I left.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, I was waiting to get to the outside and just lose it, you know?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I walked out of that store with pride.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: I walked out of that store with dignity, and I got into my car, and I was like, yes! And I drove to the closest blooming deals to return that fucking bag.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: Because I couldn't afford it, but I taught that bitch a lesson, and that's all that mattered.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_02: So my life changed because my Cuban stepfather came into my life and he was very racist and he didn't like me because I was the dark one, right?
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_02: It's all relative.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_02: All relative.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_02: I was the dark one in my house.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_02: And we had a station wagon, and he used to sit me in the back of the station wagon.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_02: For those of you who are millennials, a station wagon is a real big Prius.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_02: And uh they have engines and they use gas.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_02: So he used to sit me in the back of the station wagon.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_02: I was like the Rosa Parks in my family.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_02: And one day he was taking me and my brother to school and it was raining, and he splashed this black man on the bus stop.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_02: Black man with his umbrella looking like he was going to work, like he was going to get a job.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_02: He looked like Walter Lee from a Raisin in the Sun black man sitting on a bus stop with his dignity and his pride, going to get a fucking job.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_02: And this motherfucking man splashes them on the bus stop and the light turns red.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_02: The light turned red because God is good.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_02: That black dude was like, You motherfucking Cuban, I hate you.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_02: He knew he was Cuban because Latinos always have flags in their cars.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_02: And he was like, go home to your motherfucking country, I hate you.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_02: And my stepfather put that station wagon in park, walked around to that guy, and punched that dude in the face.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_02: And that black dude beat my stepfather's ass.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, it was beautiful.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_02: The rain was coming down.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_02: I had a black feet, I was like a baby's ass.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_02: I'm so tired of this man.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_02: That dude had an umbrella in one hand, and with the other hand, he beat my stepfather's ass.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, I wanna go home with him.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_02: He may not have a car, but he got hands.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_02: Yo, my stepfather wobbled back to the car.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_02: He had all these bruises and welps.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_02: I slid into the front seat.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_02: He tried to boss up on me.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_02: He was like, put your seatbelt on.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_02: I was like, put a band-aid on, motherfucker.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_02: You leave me.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_02: He was so embarrassed he didn't take us to school that day.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_02: We went home.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_02: It was national black dude on the bus that day.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_03: Basically, the way our parents are, ages zero through thirty, they're like, no girls, right?
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_03: Then when you're 35, they're like, why can't you talk to girls?
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_03: As basically the thing, you're like, ah, let me kill me.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_03: That's the way our parents are.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_03: Right?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_03: Our parents, our parents are like a firewall to the outside world.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_03: Your information comes in, then they disseminate it to us.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_03: It's like living in North Korea.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_03: And my dad is like, you know, he's the leader of the household.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_03: So when 9-11 happened, I was a sophomore in high school.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_03: My dad sits everybody down at the dinner table.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_03: He's like, all right, Hussein, whatever you do, do not tell people you're Muslim, do not talk about politics.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_03: And I was like, alright, dad, I'll just hide it, cool.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_03: And this just rubs off.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_03: I'm sitting there, phone rings.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_03: I run to the phone, but my dad had a good first step, so he beats me to the phone.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_03: I said, Hello?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_03: I grab the second phone, hello?
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_03: And I hear a voice.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_03: Hey! Hey, you sand nigger, where's Osama?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_03: Listen?
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_03: You can hear me, right, you fucking doon coon.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_03: Where's Osama?
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_03: Hey, you can hear me, right?
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_03: Who's the thing in the gathering?
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_03: That's where you live, right?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna fucking kill you.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_03: And my dad's looking at me.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_03: You can see your parents.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_03: And you can see the mortality of the I'm looking at my dad and I see all five heaven.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_03: And that's when I realized, no, I'm a darker.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_03: I'm a scary cat.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_03: You know the way it is! We can speak two languages.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_03: Argue about it, argue about it.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_03: We can speak at home and outside.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_03: I should have said something.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_03: I didn't.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_03: We sit down and I hear outside.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_03: I mean dad, we run outside, and all the windows on the camera are smashed in.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_03: And I look in the back and my backpack's open.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_03: I'm like, oh, I stole myself.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_03: I reach and I pull out my backpack.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_03: These pieces of glass get caught in my arm.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_03: And now all this blood is like gushing down the side of my arm.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm pissed.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_03: I'm just like fucking mad.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_03: Man, fuck this, man.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_03: Like, these kids, they know where we live.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_03: They're calling us.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_03: They're timing this in real time.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_03: So they're watching us.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_03: So I'm running up and down the cul-de-sac looking in the trees, the bushes.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_03: I look back in the middle of the street.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_03: My dad's in the middle of the road, sweeping glass out of the road like he works at like a hate crime barber shop.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_03: He's like, we got customers, look yakang.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_03: We gotta clean this up.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_03: Then Brown Mr.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_03: Miyagi just like not saying a word.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_03: I run up to him, like dad.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_03: Why aren't you saying something?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_03: I'm not asking you, say something.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_03: He looks at me and he goes, Yuki's a little bit.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_03: These things happen.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_03: And these things will continue to happen.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_03: And he was like, oh no, we really are from two different generations.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_03: And my dad's from that generation like a lot of immigrants.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_03: He feels like if you come to this country, you pay this thing like the American dream tax, right?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_03: Like you're gonna endure some racism.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_03: And if it doesn't cost you your life, well, hey, you lucky out pay it.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_03: There you go, Uncle Sam.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_03: But for me, like a lot of us, I was born here.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_03: So I actually have the audacity of equality.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_03: Like I'm like, no, I'm an honors govern.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_03: Have it right here.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_03: Life, liberty, consumer, happiness.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_03: All men are created equal.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_03: Because you're right here.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_03: I'm equal.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_03: I'm equal.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_03: I don't deserve this.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_03: But I can't.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_03: As soon as I say that, and he looks at me like I believe in standing.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_03: He's like, that's something clubbing my jacket.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_03: You'll never understand.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_03: I'll never understand.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_03: Dad, you're the guy that'll argue with the cashier at Costco when he doesn't let you return used underwear.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_03: And now you want to be the bigger man.