Latest / Living Deeply with Markieta Carter / When the Forgiveness You Claimed Was a Lie

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When the Forgiveness You Claimed Was a Lie · Living Deeply with Markieta Carter

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  Hey, it's Markita, and welcome back to the Living Deeply podcast,
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  a space where we talk about what it means to live honestly, feel deeply,
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  and choose ourselves, even when our truth makes other people uncomfortable.
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  Today, I want to talk about forgiveness, but probably not in the way that you're
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  used to hearing about it.
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  I want to talk about the forgiveness you said you gave, but you actually didn't.
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  The forgiveness you announced because somebody told you it was the right thing
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  to do or it was the time to do it,
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  the forgiveness you claimed because your family wanted everybody to just get along,
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  the forgiveness you offered because somebody apologized and everyone acted like
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  an apology automatically entitled them to forgiveness and especially the forgiveness
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  you claim because has your religion taught you?
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  That being a good person meant forgiving people whether you're ready to or not.
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  Sometimes the forgiveness you claimed to give was actually a lie and maybe it's
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  time to tell the truth about it.
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  So what is forgiveness? Forgiveness can mean different things to different people.
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  But at the core of it, forgiveness generally means an intentional release,
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  a reduction of resentment, hostility,
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  or the desire for retaliation towards someone who has harmed you.
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  Notice what I didn't say. Forgiveness doesn't automatically mean reconciliation.
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  It doesn't mean restoring access. It doesn't mean trusting someone again.
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  It doesn't mean pretending something wasn't traumatic.
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  It doesn't mean forgetting. And it doesn't mean deciding that what happened was okay.
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  Forgiveness and reconciliation are two completely different decisions.
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  You can forgive someone and still never speak to them ever again in life.
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  You can forgive someone and maintain boundaries.
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  You can forgive someone without inviting them back into your life,
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  but there is another possibility that we don't talk about enough.
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  You can heal without forgiving them at all.
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  Forgiveness is one possible part of healing, but it doesn't have to be everybody's destination.
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  And that's important because some of us have spent years saying,
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  I forgive them when the truth was you didn't.
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  So why do we lie about forgiveness? Sometimes we aren't lying maliciously.
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  Sometimes we're lying because we were taught that forgiveness was the only socially acceptable answer.
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  Someone asked, have you forgiven your mother? Have you forgiven your father?
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  Have you forgiven that ex? Have you forgiven the person who abused you?
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  Have you forgiven the person who betrayed you? And there's this expectation
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  that eventually you're supposed to smile peacefully and say,
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  yes, I've forgiven them.
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  Because if you say no, people start getting uncomfortable.
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  They may assume you're bitter.
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  They may say you're holding a grudge and they may tell you that you're hurting yourself.
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  They may question the state of your healing. So eventually you learn the correct
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  answer is, yes, I forgave them.
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  But sometimes you didn't.
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  You just learned what answer made everybody leave you alone.
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  For people pleasers, forgiveness can become another form of abandoning yourself,
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  to make someone else comfortable.
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  Maybe the person who hurt you wants forgiveness because they don't want to sit
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  in the consequences of what they did.
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  Maybe your family wants forgiveness because your boundaries are making family
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  gatherings inconvenient.
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  Maybe your partner wants forgiveness because accountability feels uncomfortable for them.
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  Maybe everyone around you wants to just move on because your pain is forcing
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  them to acknowledge something they would rather just ignore and sleep under the rug so you forgive,
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  or at least you say you do not because something inside of you generally wants
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  to release what happened but because everybody else needed you to stop talking about it.
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  That's not necessarily forgiveness. Sometimes that is compliance.
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  And there is a difference.
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  For many people, especially those of us who grew up religious or around Christianity,
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  forgiveness wasn't presented as an option.
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  It was presented as a commandment.
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  Forgive because God forgave you.
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  Forgive 70 times 7. Turn the other cheek.
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  Pray for the people who hurt you. Don't let the sun go down on your anger.
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  And depending on how those teachings were interpreted and applied,
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  some of us internalize a very frightening message.
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  Your anger is more spiritually dangerous than somebody and what they did to you.
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  Think about that. Someone can violate your boundaries, betray you,
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  emotionally harm you, abuse you, abandon you, manipulate you, and repeatedly
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  disrespect you, and somehow the conversation could eventually become about whether
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  or not you have forgiven them?
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  The focus moved away from what happened to you and toward have you forgiven them yet?
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  For someone who generally holds that religious conviction, forgiveness may be
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  deeply meaningful and healing, but what happens when those convictions are no longer yours?
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  What happens when you realize that the forgiveness you claimed wasn't something you freely chose?
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  Maybe you weren't ready to forgive because your heart wasn't ready.
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  Maybe you were forgiving because you were afraid not to.
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  Afraid God would be angry at you. Afraid that you wouldn't be forgiving for
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  what you do. And maybe you weren't spiritually mature enough to know the difference.
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  Afraid that you are carrying bitterness like they said that you are.
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  Afraid that refusing forgiveness made you a bad person.
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  And once those beliefs change you may look back at some of the people you supposedly
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  forgave and realize I never actually forgave them.
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  I was performing the forgiveness I believed was required of me.
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  There are people in my life I don't need to hate. I don't need revenge.
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  I don't need to spend every day angry about what they did to me.
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  I don't need to obsess over whether or not karma will eventually find them.
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  But I also don't need to call what I feel forgiveness. Maybe what I found is acceptance.
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  Maybe it's indifference.
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  I accept that it happened. I accept that I can't change the past.
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  I accept that this person may never understand what they did.
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  I accept that I may never receive the apology that I deserved and I accept that
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  even an apology can't undo certain things and most importantly I accept that.
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  I get to decide what happens next. And that can be healing without forgiveness.
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  Sometimes the destination isn't forgiveness. Sometimes it's indifference.
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  Sometimes it's acceptance.
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  Sometimes it's grief. Sometimes it's just understanding. And sometimes it's a boundary.
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  Sometimes it's permanent, no contact. Sometimes it's simply reaching a point,
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  where what they did no longer controls your life.
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  You don't necessarily have to transform your feelings towards a person that
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  harmed you You can transform your relationship with what happened to you and that's different,
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  Here's something else I think we should be allowed to say I said I forgave you
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  but I've realized that was not true,
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  That doesn't necessarily mean that you're moving backward It may mean you're
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  becoming more honest with yourself and others,
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  maybe the version of you who offered forgiveness was just surviving,
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  maybe she was afraid maybe she just wanted peace and maybe she desperately wanted,
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  that relationship to work maybe she thought forgiveness would make the pain disappear.
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  Maybe she believed forgiveness was required to heal. Maybe she was trying to be the bigger person.
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  But you don't have to shame that version of yourself.
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  But you also don't have to remain bound to something she said before she fully understood herself.
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  You can change your mind and you can say, I thought I forgave you.
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  Now I realize I simply stopped fighting.
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  I thought I forgave you. Now I realize I suppressed my anger.
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  I thought I forgave you. Now realize I was trying to make everybody else comfortable.
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  I thought I forgave you. Now realize I was following religious beliefs that I no longer hold.
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  I thought I forgave you. Now realize forgiveness simply isn't a part of my healing story.
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  And that realization can be incredibly freeing.
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  Healing doesn't have to end with you feeling warmth,
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  towards the person who hurt you healing might look like hearing their name and
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  feeling nothing at all it might look like remembering what happened without
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  losing yourself emotionally,
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  it might look like no longer needing to understand them,
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  it might look like no longer checking whether they're suffering it might look
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  like building relationships with people who treat you differently.
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  It might look like trusting yourself again.
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  It might look like finally believing your own memory.
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  It might look like saying, that happened to me.
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  It was wrong. It changed me. I learned from it. I protected myself.
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  I rebuilt my life. And I still don't forgive you. Those things can exist together.
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  You don't owe anyone a beautiful ending to a very ugly experience.
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  Your healing doesn't have to make the person who hurt you feel better.
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  Your story doesn't have to end with forgiveness simply because somebody else believes.
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  That's what healed people do.
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  Baby forgiveness will eventually become a part of your story and maybe it won't.
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  Either way, let it be yours.
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  Not your families, not your partners, not your churches, and not societies.
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  Yours. Because if forgiveness has any meaning at all, it should be freely chosen.
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  And if you've been pressured, frightened, guilted, shamed, or spiritually threatened
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  into saying I forgive you Then maybe the most healing thing you can do is finally admit,
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  I've said those words, but they were not true,
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  And now I'm choosing honesty.
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  This is Martita And you've been listening to the Living Deeply Podcast If this
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  episode resonated with you, share it with someone who may need permission to
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  stop performing healing for other people.
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  You can connect with me at itsmarkita.com and listen to more episodes at the
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  livingdeeplypodcast.com.
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  And until next time, live honestly, protect your peace, and remember,
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  forgiveness can be a part of healing, but your healing belongs to you.