Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Discovering Your Parenting Style: The Journey Begins | Ep. 119

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Discovering Your Parenting Style: The Journey Begins | Ep. 119 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Hey there, fellow parents, Cheryl Lang here, and I'm thrilled to have you back with us on the Parenting Podcast.
• 0:14
  Today marks the beginning of an exciting journey as we dive into our new series all about parenting styles.
• 0:22
  Do you ever find yourself questioning if you're striking the right balance?
• 0:26
  balance in your approach to parenting.
• 0:29
  From wondering if you're too strict, or too lenient, or if you're meeting your child's emotional needs properly.
• 0:39
  I'm telling you, we've all been there.
• 0:41
  Figuring out our unique parenting lens can be a challenging task, but we're here at TPP to navigate it together.
• 0:51
  Over the next several episodes, we'll be delving into the rich tapestry of parenting philosophies.
• 0:58
  We'll unpack the tools, strategies, and perspectives that shape our parenting journeys.
• 1:05
  Our goal?
• 1:06
  To empower you to parent with confidence and clarity, armed with insights that resonate deeply with your values.
• 1:17
  Let's jump in now.
• 1:28
  Cheryl: Okay, you all, I want an eclipse update from you, because it was the
• 1:34
  Christie: big thing.
• 1:35
  Christie: The big thing.
• 1:36
  Christie: I saw people on t shirts, put
• 1:39
  Cheryl: signs.
• 1:39
  Cheryl: It's true.
• 1:41
  Cheryl: Incredible.
• 1:42
  Cheryl: Sort of like the whole country stopped.
• 1:45
  Cheryl: Right.
• 1:45
  Cheryl: For this one event.
• 1:47
  Cheryl: Uh huh.
• 1:48
  Cheryl: Tell me, because you actually went.
• 1:50
  Cheryl: Yeah, we
• 1:50
  Christie: went and chased the sun, chased the moon.
• 1:52
  Christie: Ha ha ha! Uh, yeah, we were going to head down to Dallas and then we saw reports of clouds and severe weather possibly, so we thought that might not be a good plan.
• 2:02
  Christie: So we pivoted and went out to Arkansas, which was perfect.
• 2:05
  Christie: The weather was beautiful.
• 2:07
  Christie: We found a sweet little park and a nice little community and, um, families out, people gathered, pickleball courts and blankets and Frisbees and it was just magical for,
• 2:18
  Ellen: you know, an hour.
• 2:19
  Ellen: Well, you know, the news was saying.
• 2:21
  Ellen: This was the first event that united our country.
• 2:24
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:24
  Cheryl: Where everybody came out
• 2:26
  Ellen: and participated with no division.
• 2:28
  Ellen: Oh, since
• 2:29
  Cheryl: 2020.
• 2:30
  Cheryl: Right.
• 2:30
  Cheryl: This era of division.
• 2:31
  Cheryl: I mean, because we were united over COVID.
• 2:32
  Cheryl: Right.
• 2:33
  Ellen: In a
• 2:33
  Cheryl: negative
• 2:34
  Ellen: way.
• 2:34
  Ellen: Right.
• 2:35
  Ellen: Yeah, but this was the first event that everyone was excited about and got together and gathered.
• 2:40
  Ellen: I
• 2:41
  Christie: agree.
• 2:42
  Christie: When we were leaving, there was traffic, but everyone was delightful.
• 2:46
  Christie: And I told my husband, it felt like, you know, Fireworks after the 4th of July, you know, and everyone's exhausted and had a good time and um, so we had a lot of fun my three younger girls who are now all adults.
• 2:58
  Christie: adult kids were with us and that's always a big treat to get everyone off work on the same day and My husband took off work.
• 3:06
  Christie: And so for everyone to be there was really neat.
• 3:09
  Christie: Those events are fun.
• 3:11
  Christie: Yeah Kind
• 3:12
  Cheryl: of what you described a little bit sort of made me feel not Woodstock because that had other things, right?
• 3:18
  Christie: And it was so, so unifying in that it was something that Like you said, Ellen, it wasn't divisive.
• 3:25
  Christie: It neutralized, you know, the sun.
• 3:27
  Christie: How, how non controversial can you get?
• 3:30
  Christie: And I remember I was looking through my glasses, my solar eclipse glasses, and the very second that the last little bit of sun disappeared, Uh huh.
• 3:40
  Christie: I just hear cheering.
• 3:41
  Christie: Yeah.
• 3:41
  Christie: Wow.
• 3:42
  Christie: And I look around, I take my glasses off and everyone's looking at the ring of fire, you know, which is truly what happens and cheering.
• 3:50
  Christie: And I thought, how cool that we're, I mean, I didn't know what their political parties or opinions on this or that were.
• 3:55
  Christie: We were just all enjoying this amazing event.
• 3:57
  Christie: Yes.
• 3:58
  Christie: Yes.
• 3:58
  Cheryl: Yeah, I can not think of something, you know, unifying, maybe a sports event.
• 4:04
  Cheryl: Okay, yeah, that's true.
• 4:05
  Cheryl: Except then you're going to have the losers and the winners.
• 4:07
  Cheryl: Right, right.
• 4:08
  Cheryl: But, you know, maybe like a small town Friday night light and the whole, the whole city's there or something.
• 4:14
  Christie: How fun.
• 4:15
  Christie: Yeah, like I told you guys, I wish we could do it every month.
• 4:19
  Christie: I had a good time.
• 4:20
  Cheryl: You know, the one thing you said, you didn't drive to Dallas from Oklahoma City.
• 4:26
  Cheryl: You said because of the weather.
• 4:28
  Cheryl: I would have said because of traffic.
• 4:30
  Christie: Yes, that was an answer.
• 4:31
  Christie: I cannot imagine what I 35 was like.
• 4:33
  Christie: I'm sure, I'm sure.
• 4:34
  Christie: And we, I mean, we came down I 40 and we did get caught in some construction traffic.
• 4:38
  Christie: but I mean, for the most part, everyone was easy going about it.
• 4:41
  Christie: But you had
• 4:41
  Cheryl: a captive audience of being together with your family.
• 4:43
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 4:44
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 4:44
  Christie: And that's the thing.
• 4:45
  Christie: I can't say that initially I mean, I was intrigued by the whole solar eclipse thing.
• 4:50
  Christie: I thought it was kind of a cool idea to go and watch it, but that was not my draw.
• 4:54
  Christie: My draw was getting my people in one space for, you know, held captive for some amount of time.
• 5:02
  Christie: But that's
• 5:02
  Ellen: another good family memory.
• 5:03
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 5:05
  Ellen: Shared
• 5:05
  Cheryl: experience.
• 5:06
  Cheryl: And one last thought.
• 5:07
  Cheryl: You said, oh, how a non controversial, except for you.
• 5:11
  Cheryl: There are smatterings of people,
• 5:15
  Christie: conspiracy
• 5:16
  Cheryl: theorists, all the
• 5:16
  Christie: opinions come out and the aliens
• 5:18
  Cheryl: didn't appear and the government couldn't control this.
• 5:23
  Cheryl: It was really fun.
• 5:24
  Cheryl: Of course, I did.
• 5:26
  Cheryl: Wonder that I had approved NASA glasses.
• 5:30
  Cheryl: Yeah, but there's always that thought.
• 5:32
  Cheryl: What if this doesn't work?
• 5:34
  Cheryl: Right, and I'm frying the back of my yeah.
• 5:38
  Christie: Yes.
• 5:38
  Christie: I was so careful every time I took mine off I was like now don't bend them don't scratch
• 5:43
  Ellen: Gosh, I never thought that at all.
• 5:45
  Ellen: I was sitting there taping them to my iPhone phone so I could, yeah, so I could get, I put him on the, on the back.
• 5:53
  Ellen: That was smart.
• 5:54
  Ellen: And it worked really good.
• 5:55
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 5:56
  Ellen: Good.
• 5:56
  Ellen: That was smart.
• 5:57
  Ellen: Except for it wasn't any enough.
• 6:00
  Ellen: Cause you gotta, cause in the past I've gotten my regular nice Canon, I've got the filters for everything and I'd put it on a tripod, but I just said, I'm lazy.
• 6:09
  Ellen: I don't care.
• 6:10
  Ellen: Right.
• 6:10
  Ellen: And then of course I did, but I didn't want to stop and go get my stuff.
• 6:13
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 6:14
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 6:14
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 6:14
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 6:16
  Cheryl: Well, the thing I found interesting, and one more thing, uh, I think it was actually a lunar eclipse.
• 6:24
  Cheryl: I had never noticed it before What happens with the leaves through the trees, where the leaves are reflecting what's going on in the sky.
• 6:33
  Cheryl: And so you can see the different, like the half moon shape, half moon shapes, yeah.
• 6:38
  Cheryl: And it happened again yesterday and I'm just fascinated.
• 6:41
  Cheryl: Yeah, we didn't see that, but I saw it last time.
• 6:43
  Cheryl: I got pictures.
• 6:44
  Cheryl: That's so
• 6:45
  Christie: cool.
• 6:46
  Christie: What
• 6:47
  Cheryl: a fun thing.
• 6:48
  Cheryl: It is, it is fun.
• 6:49
  Cheryl: And an innocent thing.
• 6:51
  Cheryl: Right.
• 6:52
  Cheryl: Okay, so, what I thought we could do is a series on parenting styles.
• 7:01
  Christie: Okay.
• 7:01
  Ellen: yeah.
• 7:02
  Ellen: POSITIVE Yeah.
• 7:02
  Cheryl: Yeah, Because, um, I don't know about the two of you, but we didn't like think everything out and research and figure our philosophy of parenting and all that out.
• 7:14
  Cheryl: And not everybody does.
• 7:16
  Cheryl: And so, um,
• 7:18
  Carol: I've pulled together here some information.
• 7:21
  Carol: And what about if we kind of give an overview today and then just talk with our audience and say, well, there's this way of approaching parenting and these are the pros and cons, and then there's this and this and just talk about it.
• 7:36
  Cheryl: Um, to inform our
• 7:38
  Carol: listeners
• 7:39
  Cheryl: and also to maybe stir up thoughtfulness about what they're doing.
• 7:45
  Cheryl: You know, to be intentional because not everything I did in parenting was intentional.
• 7:51
  Cheryl: I ended up a lot in free fall.
• 7:54
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 7:55
  Ellen: I would say I did a lot of reactive, you know, because it was just easier to go, stop,
• 8:01
  Christie: yeah.
• 8:01
  Christie: Or run.
• 8:02
  Christie: Yes.
• 8:03
  Christie: Whatever was intuitive, whether it be good or bad.
• 8:06
  Christie: Exactly.
• 8:07
  Ellen: And so that's, yeah, I think that's a really important thing is sometimes we need to give a little time to, you know.
• 8:13
  Ellen: Well, how we're parenting and what that means and discuss it if you, if you happen to have a spouse or whoever is helping you raise your children, or if you're a single parent, whoever you talk to as a friend, you know, and compare stuff, it's, I think it's just important to talk through some of these issues because they're
• 8:30
  Christie: in your face before you know it, right?
• 8:33
  Christie: Well, and I think that's one advantage of the times that we're living in and the parents are parenting in is that there's so many resources and maybe it's an advantage and a disadvantage, but it's helpful to have, um, all of these great thoughts out there.
• 8:48
  Christie: So that we can weigh our options and our approaches and our philosophies because, you know, since the beginning of time of parenting, we just kind of knew what was right around us.
• 9:00
  Christie: And if that was good, that's great.
• 9:02
  Christie: But if it wasn't helpful, then you're kind of, that's all you know.
• 9:05
  Ellen: And they had different communities.
• 9:07
  Ellen: Which is something that we've kind of lost in the United States.
• 9:11
  Ellen: We may have our church or religious communities or maybe something like that, but when you had people living closely together all the time and dependent on each other, you could watch the parenting styles in the community and kind of learn some things, not only from your own parents, but from how other parents, and in those days, I mean, I can remember when we were kids, the neighbors.
• 9:33
  Ellen: Disciplined us.
• 9:34
  Cheryl: Yeah, you know, okay, so that's my question.
• 9:37
  Cheryl: What kind of
• 9:38
  Carol: styles were what influence were you raised yourself and then what influences with you with your parenting?
• 9:47
  Ellen: Well, I had older parents, you know, cause my mom got married and had children later.
• 9:52
  Ellen: And, um, so she was kind of always at a step with anything cool or just.
• 10:01
  Ellen: You know kids go through and I think because of her upbringing.
• 10:04
  Ellen: She just never had a childhood either so she was very authoritarian And not very permissive and everything was just black and white.
• 10:13
  Ellen: And if you're not a black and white kid My sister was more black and white so it was easier for her, but I always bristled under just everything's black and white.
• 10:23
  Ellen: Wow.
• 10:24
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 10:24
  Cheryl: What about you, Christy?
• 10:26
  Christie: Well, I was just thinking, you know, so I had very young parents.
• 10:30
  Christie: My parents were in their teens when they had me.
• 10:32
  Christie: So they had probably less knowledge on parenting going into the show.
• 10:37
  Christie: But I also was very close to my grandparents.
• 10:39
  Christie: Both sets of grandparents were very involved in my life.
• 10:42
  Christie: Um, and so They were, um, young grandparents, but acted a little more parental in a lot of ways.
• 10:49
  Christie: So I had a lot of different perspectives on my upbringing, which it was good, but then could also leave me with some inconsistency or, or confusion on what I wanted to do as a parent.
• 11:01
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 11:02
  Cheryl: And so it's so interesting.
• 11:04
  Cheryl: You had older people raising you, you had younger people raising you, and how that influenced.
• 11:11
  Cheryl: And with me, uh, both my parents were basically orphaned when they were very young.
• 11:17
  Cheryl: And so they were raised with grandparents themselves, so they didn't really have They didn't have a view of what, like we're going to go through today, they didn't have a view of what parenting should be.
• 11:30
  Cheryl: They just were pretty ignorant.
• 11:32
  Cheryl: Um, but I would say they were your typical World War II, consistent, typically of what we think of that generation.
• 11:42
  Cheryl: Right.
• 11:43
  Cheryl: That they were solid.
• 11:45
  Cheryl: And reliable.
• 11:46
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 11:46
  Cheryl: But they're, uh, uh, not neglectful in any way, but more sort of objective.
• 11:53
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 11:53
  Cheryl: And again, uh Your
• 11:55
  Ellen: feelings weren't as important.
• 11:57
  Ellen: Right.
• 11:57
  Ellen: And if you were just told to do something, go do it.
• 11:59
  Ellen: Well,
• 11:59
  Cheryl: they didn't know to talk about it.
• 12:00
  Cheryl: That's what I mean.
• 12:01
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 12:01
  Cheryl: That'sif They did an amazing job out of such ignorance, but they didn't have a lot of tools in their tool bag.
• 12:07
  Cheryl: Right.
• 12:08
  Cheryl: Which I would say that's kind of what we're trying to bring in here today and during this series is more tools to consider because they just didn't have.
• 12:18
  Cheryl: Well,
• 12:18
  Ellen: nobody in the culture then cared about your feelings.
• 12:20
  Ellen: Right.
• 12:21
  Ellen: In general.
• 12:21
  Ellen: You either did the right or you did the wrong.
• 12:23
  Ellen: Right.
• 12:24
  Ellen: And it wasn't how you felt about it, whereas we're much more feeling centers as a culture now.
• 12:29
  Ellen: So.
• 12:29
  Ellen: Mm.
• 12:29
  Christie: And I think that's important to remember too, the generation and the culture that we are parenting in, and what our kids are going to be growing into, is something to really have in your framework that you're, you're sorting through your approaches.
• 12:44
  Cheryl: That's true because we want to.
• 12:46
  Cheryl: Not what my parents did to just do what they kind of saw and everybody else doing or What made sense right within that culture the problem is now what you just kind of mentioned Ellen.
• 12:59
  Cheryl: It's the pendulum You know, whatever it is.
• 13:02
  Cheryl: They just wait and the pendulums gonna swing back the other way.
• 13:05
  Cheryl: So reactive again Yeah reactive going from More authoritarian to permissive, and then the next generation is going to swing back the other way.
• 13:15
  Cheryl: Right.
• 13:16
  Ellen: And we lived in, Mike and I lived in a military culture.
• 13:20
  Ellen: So, there was certain behavior that was expected, especially from the officer's ranks, of how your kids behaved.
• 13:27
  Christie: Right.
• 13:27
  Christie: You know,
• 13:28
  Ellen: everybody knew, oh, that's the Esler's kids.
• 13:30
  Ellen: And so, there was a measure of, you know,
• 13:45
  Christie: And that's another factor.
• 13:46
  Christie: The pressure that you were living under is a unique circumstance.
• 13:50
  Christie: And all of us have our own circumstances that we're raising our kids under that can sway us one way or another to choose a different style or approach.
• 14:00
  Cheryl: That's true.
• 14:00
  Cheryl: And the cultureyou are in, you mentioned.
• 14:03
  Cheryl: Before, previously, people ethnically lived in their culture, or, um, just even now in the social media culture we have, it's interesting because my children They are not in the same culture I was raised in, obviously, but there's, there's so much pressure from the whole social media world,
• 14:24
  Ellen: Not your neighbors or your neighborhood.
• 14:26
  Ellen: It's the, the kind of invisible, virtual,
• 14:31
  Cheryl: yes.
• 14:31
  Cheryl: It really is.
• 14:32
  Cheryl: And there's a lot of pressure in that.
• 14:34
  Cheryl: Plus, um, the pressure that it looks like.
• 14:39
  Cheryl: Everyone's doing this because of the pressure and the strength of platforms.
• 14:44
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 14:44
  Cheryl: Oh, no one would do that.
• 14:46
  Cheryl: So even something as simple as, uh, breastfeeding versus bottle, how that can be influenced by the culture.
• 14:55
  Cheryl: Right.
• 14:55
  Cheryl: And that's just one little aspect of the whole
• 14:58
  Christie: thing.
• 14:58
  Christie: And, and it can be so, um, harsh and offensive towards any approach that leaves you feeling like these.
• 15:07
  Christie: Um, these decisions are make or break my child and just a lot of pressure that way too, where, you know, before it was, I remember hearing someone speak one time and, and they were speaking some freedom to this group of parents and they were saying, you know, I don't care if you bottle feed, breastfeed, just feed your child.
• 15:27
  Christie: And I don't care if you public school, private school, homeschool, just educate, you know, make sure your children are educated.
• 15:33
  Christie: And they went through this list of methods versus principles and said, at the end of the day, we're here to love our children.
• 15:41
  Christie: And I just thought that was so freeing, but I don't know how much young parents are hearing that today.
• 15:47
  Christie: That the decisions on how you get Yes.
• 15:51
  Christie: The love across is not always the, the make or break.
• 15:55
  Cheryl: I love that.
• 15:55
  Cheryl: And that's what I want us to do.
• 15:57
  Cheryl: And so audience, I'm going to give a disclaimer and keep saying it.
• 16:01
  Cheryl: We are not trying to really promote anything or bash another.
• 16:06
  Cheryl: We're not trying to bring in condemnation.
• 16:09
  Cheryl: We want to say, look at this, think about this.
• 16:13
  Cheryl: This is why it looks someone might do this again, pros and cons so that they can evaluate it.
• 16:20
  Cheryl: And think I hadn't thought about that and then decide, because it's a whole gamut.
• 16:27
  Cheryl: I mean, we're talking about the ages of your parents influence so much what they did.
• 16:33
  Cheryl: And then the community or your financial situation or whether both parents work.
• 16:39
  Cheryl: Or how big your family is, or the seasons of your children, you know, what might work for your family when they're all little might be different from when they're all older.
• 16:50
  Ellen: And we live in the society of illusion because nobody can challenge the person who's podcasting.
• 16:56
  Ellen: They don't know what their life is.
• 16:58
  Ellen: They don't know how they live.
• 16:59
  Ellen: It's we're so detached because of the way media is now.
• 17:03
  Ellen: We're not meeting with people in our, our, either our religious groups or our community groups where we kind of get to know each other and be together and see what they do.
• 17:12
  Ellen: And so it just becomes this barrage of experts, you know, not including us, but, you know,
• 17:20
  Christie: well, yeah, it's really true.
• 17:22
  Christie: I mean, we're here to say you're, you're raising individuals.
• 17:26
  Christie: Each of us are raising individuals and that toolbox for that.
• 17:29
  Christie: And so we're offering the tools that we see that are out there and that you may want to choose from.
• 17:38
  Cheryl: And seasons in my own life.
• 17:40
  Cheryl: Right.
• 17:41
  Cheryl: Because being married with Bill and then losing him and doing, uh, Single widowed parenting.
• 17:48
  Cheryl: Yeah, I had to reach in and get a whole lot of tools.
• 17:51
  Cheryl: I simply didn't need before So that's what we're trying to do this Bring things in what I want y'all to do is remember what?
• 17:59
  Cheryl: Questions would we encourage our listeners to be asking and all of this?
• 18:03
  Cheryl: So let's be thinking of questions to ask.
• 18:05
  Cheryl: Okay Okay.
• 18:07
  Cheryl: I did some research trying to figure out, so, how would the psychologists, the child experts, different styles, um, would they say, these are kind of generally the styles that we see sort of across the gamut.
• 18:25
  Cheryl: Yeah And so, if we approach basically four different ones, how about today if we kind of give an introduction to them?
• 18:33
  Cheryl: And then we'll go deeper on the subsequent
• 18:36
  Carol: episodes and
• 18:37
  Ellen: yeah.
• 18:38
  Ellen: POSITIVE Yeah.
• 18:38
  Cheryl: Yeah,
• 18:39
  Carol: again, disclaimer, um, there is.
• 18:43
  Carol: Neglectful, unhealthy parenting.
• 18:46
  Carol: Okay?
• 18:47
  Carol: And then, we're not suggesting when we do pros and cons that any of that falls under that.
• 18:53
  Carol: That is clear, and there's no reason to really discuss that.
• 18:58
  Carol: listeners if you're concerned of the healthiness of your situation, as always, we would encourage you to go get some, um, input, some help, whether it's your doctor or a reliable counselor or, someone if you, in a church or synagogue, go talk to somebody because we want you to get some help and some input in your concerns.
• 19:22
  Christie: Yes
• 19:23
  Cheryl: Okay?
• 19:24
  Cheryl: Um, all right.
• 19:25
  Cheryl: So how about if we look at four basic styles, the words that generally everyone uses, there's authoritarian parenting, permissive parenting, attachment parenting, and authoritative, which is a different word than authoritarian, but y'all, I looked at it, I couldn't find another word for authoritative, so we'll get to that, but those are two different ones that just sound alike.
• 19:50
  Cheryl: All right, how about if we give a little blurb on sort of these four major types?
• 19:56
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 19:56
  Cheryl: Like a little intro to each one.
• 19:57
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 19:58
  Cheryl: I'm going to take sort of the easiest one.
• 20:00
  Cheryl: Of course.
• 20:02
  Cheryl: Thanks Cheryl.
• 20:03
  Cheryl: To describe because it even has a word in it.
• 20:08
  Cheryl: That's kind of reactive in our society right now, and it's authoritarian parenting.
• 20:13
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 20:14
  Cheryl: Agreeing.
• 20:15
  Cheryl: Authority has a little bit of a negative concern in our society right now.
• 20:21
  Cheryl: Um, but we're not talking about anything imbalanced or abusive.
• 20:27
  Cheryl: We're just talking about a different approach.
• 20:28
  Cheryl: Yeah, we're not saying draconian authority.
• 20:30
  Cheryl: Not at all.
• 20:31
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 20:32
  Cheryl: But I would say this is more what my parents did.
• 20:35
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 20:36
  Cheryl: And so authoritarian parenting would be, uh, More higher control by the parents.
• 20:44
  Cheryl: Yeah, uh, more parent centric rather than child centric, and some of the pros of it is there's good structure,
• 20:53
  Ellen: right?
• 20:54
  Cheryl: You know, um, Christie, I think you've said a lot of times there wasn't always a lot of structure.
• 21:00
  Cheryl: In your home and I mean, you're in what you grew up with, right?
• 21:04
  Cheryl: Okay, right.
• 21:04
  Cheryl: And so authoritarian, although it has a negative connotation, it brings structure.
• 21:11
  Cheryl: Has boundaries and, um, an intentionality to bring.
• 21:17
  Cheryl: I think I would say.
• 21:19
  Cheryl: Security to their children and, and trying to do this rather than cater to the whims of what immature children want.
• 21:28
  Cheryl: and that, uh, another positive of it, like, would be that it's, they're trying to keep their children safe.
• 21:35
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 21:36
  Cheryl: And Guide them towards adulthood.
• 21:40
  Cheryl: Yeah, that's
• 21:40
  Ellen: really true.
• 21:42
  Ellen: And it kind of gets a bad rap, but we do need it in our culture
• 21:46
  Cheryl: and
• 21:46
  Ellen: we need it in families.
• 21:47
  Ellen: There is a time and place to be an authoritarian parent.
• 21:50
  Ellen: You may not cross the street, you know, you're only five.
• 21:55
  Ellen: Right.
• 21:57
  Christie: And children do well in places of structure and boundaries and it's helpful to them to know that there's safety and security.
• 22:05
  Christie: Yes.
• 22:05
  Cheryl: And so that even though.
• 22:06
  Cheryl: Right.
• 22:07
  Cheryl: The bristling may be over the term, but really good, kind parents who walk in this.
• 22:13
  Cheryl: Their goal is to protect and help the children, immature children, as they develop towards adulthood.
• 22:21
  Cheryl: And I know that was my parents thoughts when they were like, this is we're trying to structure to protect you.
• 22:29
  Cheryl: You need to
• 22:30
  Ellen: be able to do these things.
• 22:31
  Ellen: You need to be able to follow my directions
• 22:34
  Cheryl: right?
• 22:34
  Cheryl: And there's some of the rubbing, right?
• 22:39
  Cheryl: Okay, so that's authoritarian.
• 22:41
  Cheryl: Okay, Ellen, there's another category.
• 22:43
  Cheryl: Why don't you talk to us a little about what permissive parenting would be?
• 22:47
  Ellen: Well, permissive parenting kind of offers a lot of flexibility.
• 22:52
  Cheryl: You
• 22:53
  Ellen: know, it's not just black and white.
• 22:55
  Ellen: Sometimes it can be It's almost the easiest
• 22:59
  Christie: you know, it's
• 22:59
  Ellen: easier to say, Oh, yeah, that's fine.
• 23:00
  Ellen: Go ahead and do that.
• 23:01
  Christie: Right.
• 23:02
  Cheryl: Ellen, would you say authoritarian kind of superimposes so many boundaries and constraints directing their children, and Permissive parenting.
• 23:14
  Cheryl: Doesn't do it.
• 23:15
  Cheryl: Yeah, because it's my
• 23:15
  Ellen: way or the highway if you're an authoritarian parent.
• 23:19
  Ellen: And a permissive parent would be more like, well, let me see your side of it.
• 23:23
  Ellen: Let me think through how, what you're thinking and feeling about this.
• 23:27
  Ellen: And maybe I'll base my decision on, okay, well, she really wants to do that.
• 23:32
  Ellen: I guess it'll be okay.
• 23:34
  Christie: So they're kind of approaching it as drawing out of the child what their, what their interests would be, what their preferences would be.
• 23:43
  Christie: Right.
• 23:43
  Christie: Giving them autonomy in that way.
• 23:45
  Christie: So maybe a little more focused on Uh, friendship with the child, being, being peers with the, with your children, is kind of the intention.
• 23:55
  Christie: And allowing
• 23:55
  Cheryl: the individual to develop on their own, rather than that superimposing something.
• 24:00
  Cheryl: Right.
• 24:01
  Cheryl: My will on top of you.
• 24:02
  Cheryl: Yes, with a lot of low control, you know, fewer rules, fewer restrictions, um, certainly avoiding a lot of discipline and structure to give that child, you know,
• 24:18
  Ellen: sort of structure themselves.
• 24:20
  Cheryl: you know,
• 24:20
  Ellen: well, you go ahead and decide what you want to do, you know, and maybe no input.
• 24:25
  Ellen: You know, that, that, that's your decision.
• 24:27
  Ellen: You go ahead and decide.
• 24:28
  Ellen: Which is.
• 24:29
  Ellen: It's very respectful.
• 24:30
  Ellen: Right.
• 24:31
  Cheryl: And I see a whole lot of this now.
• 24:33
  Cheryl: A lot of the young people.
• 24:34
  Cheryl: Parents that I talk to, a lot of them, have really embraced this and I see the pros and cons, which we'll get into.
• 24:42
  Cheryl: Okay, now attachment parenting.
• 24:44
  Cheryl: Christy, give us a little hint of what that is.
• 24:48
  Cheryl: Well, attachment
• 24:48
  Christie: parenting, just like the name says, It's really about attaching and bonding with the child, with your children, and wanting there to be a strong emotional connection, um, which, you know, there's study after study after study talking about how important attaching with the parent early on.
• 25:09
  Christie: Yes.
• 25:10
  Christie: So it's really helpful in that way.
• 25:12
  Christie: you know, there's typically I think the, the telltale signs of attachment parenting often are.
• 25:17
  Christie: Co sleeping, extended nursing, you know, maybe a lot of coming along on the date with you.
• 25:25
  Cheryl: Well, but what we're talking about.
• 25:27
  Cheryl: It's a philosophy.
• 25:29
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 25:29
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 25:29
  Cheryl: That would permeate everything you do.
• 25:31
  Cheryl: And seeing that's the lens that this, uh, style tries to promote that they're constantly
• 25:38
  Carol: meeting the emotional needs of their children
• 25:40
  Christie: Right.
• 25:41
  Christie: Every ask, of life is looked through the emotional security of the child, which, I mean, we're seeing a great moment in parenting on prioritizing emotional health, which is fantastic because like you were saying, Cheryl, generations went by before we really got to this place of thinking about kids emotional needs.
• 26:00
  Cheryl: And so that's what each of these is sort of the grid or the lens where authoritarian is saying structured boundaries and direction is a good thing for our children.
• 26:13
  Cheryl: And then, Permissive is saying, no, your rights as a person and your individuality, your thoughts That really matters.
• 26:22
  Cheryl: And then the attachment says, no, no, no.
• 26:25
  Cheryl: Actually, the big grid to look through is this bond between the two of us and our relationship and your feeling secure through this relationship And
• 26:36
  Carol: prioritizing the emotional needs of children
• 26:38
  Cheryl: is the most important.
• 26:39
  Carol: Right.
• 26:40
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 26:41
  Cheryl: So it's gonna be fun talking about the pros and cons.
• 26:43
  Cheryl: Because they all have them.
• 26:44
  Christie: Right.
• 26:45
  Christie: And I think we all come to parenting with some, I mean, we all come to parenting with experience of being parented.
• 26:52
  Christie: Yes.
• 26:52
  Christie: And a lot of us are going to find ourselves drifting towards the way we were parented, but then a lot of us are also going to find ourselves Swinging that pendulum far from what we came from to a fault, maybe.
• 27:06
  Christie: And so it's good to look at these and help ourselves be self aware.
• 27:09
  Christie: And find the
• 27:09
  Ellen: blend that you can take all four of these types.
• 27:12
  Ellen: And that's what we'll talk about down the road is how do we blend these all?
• 27:16
  Ellen: Because all of them have really good things about them that can make you a good parent.
• 27:21
  Christie: And approaching, like we've said a minute ago, approaching our kids.
• 27:25
  Christie: As children growing up in a completely different time and culture and society requires a different set of tools than what we were given.
• 27:34
  Cheryl: It sure does.
• 27:35
  Cheryl: And so we're really out of time.
• 27:37
  Cheryl: There is a fourth
• 27:39
  Carol: lens or style That is called authoritative and I think that looks sort of like a blend of all of these.
• 27:45
  Carol: Oh, yeah.
• 27:46
  Carol: okay, how do we blend these together with some balance?
• 27:49
  Cheryl: Um, of course that sounds very prejudicial, but I think that's what it's trying to do is bring that, that balance.
• 27:56
  Cheryl: That Wow, how can we
• 27:58
  Carol: learn and benefit from different ones?
• 28:00
  Carol: Yeah.
• 28:00
  Carol: And what would it look like to blend those?
• 28:02
  Carol: All right.
• 28:03
  Carol: So Uh, how about if we come back next time and we'll approach one of the styles and then break it down, look at our own experiences, and then really for the parents to say, well, consider this, like, for example, someone who might naturally tend towards one style like, I have certain children I would have known They would go towards the permissive parenting just by their natural temperament.
• 28:30
  Cheryl: But what we want in our conversations is to consider maybe pros and cons of other things.
• 28:36
  Christie: Sure.
• 28:36
  Cheryl: Good.
• 28:37
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 28:37
  Cheryl: All right.
• 28:38
  Cheryl: So we'll come back next time.
• 28:39
  Cheryl: Be sure and join us.
• 28:41
  Cheryl: I'm excited.
• 28:42
  Cheryl: These are going to be good conversations.
• 28:44
  Ellen: yeah.
• 28:44
  Ellen: POSITIVE Yeah.
• 28:45
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 28:45
  Cheryl: So parents remember, hang in there, keep loving, keep persevering, because it's worth it
• 28:57
  Before we sign off, I want to express how much I appreciate you being part of this TBP conversation and I look forward to the opportunity to explore parenting styles together.
• 29:08
  Today, as we laid the groundwork with four basic parenting styles, it became clear that each one comes with its own set of benefits and challenges.
• 29:20
  Now I'm curious, did any one style particularly resonate with you?
• 29:26
  Take a moment to reflect on what aspects of each style intrigues or challenges you the most.
• 29:36
  As you digest today's insights, remember that your questions and reflections are always welcome here.
• 29:43
  Why don't you shoot us some of your thoughts on our website, DM us, or text contact at TheParentingPodcast.
• 29:51
  com and be sure to follow TPP because next time we're picking up right where we left off and diving deeper, dissecting one particular style.
• 30:05
  Let's navigate it all together as we discover what works best for you and your family.
• 30:11
  Until then, take care.
• 30:13
  Take care, and see you next time.