Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Divorce Coaching & Football - what does a divorce coach actually DO?!

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Divorce Coaching & Football - what does a divorce coach actually DO?! · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast, finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: In soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, and today I'm going to be talking about Aussie Rules football, divorce coaching, and a conversation that I shared with my 84-year-old dad.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: I've been doing this work in some capacity for five, six years, but granted my work isn't something that I've really discussed with my dad in any depth or at length, maybe not really at all.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: So when I was speaking with him recently about my week, about my clients and some events that I've attended recently, and shared with him that I'd been nominated for an Osmanpreneur award, or named as a finalist, I should say.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: He was sort of surprised and he looked at me, he was clearly a little bit baffled.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: He looked at me and he said, So what is it that you actually do?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Now my dad is a diehard Carlton Blues football fan.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Um yes, I know that's a bit sad for him, poor guy.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Um and while I recognize that divorce is not a game, I used the blues and Aussie Rules football as a framework and a reference for him to explain what I actually do.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_00: So this is sort of a conversation that I shared with my dad.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: I said to him, you know, when someone is wondering whether to stay or leave a marriage or a long-term relationship, or they're discussing separation with their partner, or maybe they've actually decided that they want to leave, or maybe they're the one that's been blindsided by their partner saying that they want a divorce, there's a lot of things to think about, to organize, to consider, and to decide.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I talked to him about playing the game in inverted commas of divorce.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you're thrust into that situation, even if you've chosen it for yourself, it is a brand new game.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_00: Even though I reiterate, it's no game.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's a brand new situation with a whole new set of rules and regulations and parameters that you've probably never encountered before.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_00: It's like running out onto the ground, a brand new ground you've never played on before, against a completely unknown team, and with a whole bunch of players on your side, on your own side even that you've never played with before.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a brand new situation.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you're going to play football, if you're going to play any sort of game, any sort of sport, you need to be match fit.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: So you need to have done all the preparation, all the preseason training, all the work in the lead up.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: You need to have a game plan and a contingency plan for when things don't quite go according to the original game plan.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: You need to know which way to run, which end you're kicking to.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: You also need to know how, just how to execute the individual skills of the game.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: And you need to have a solid recovery plan for the following day.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: So I said to him, Dad, I'm like the head coach, the specialist, you know, positional coach, I'm the tactician, I'm the fitness advisor, I'm the game strategist, I'm the sports psychologist, I'm the mindset expert, the team manager, bring in the oranges for halftime, I'm the injury management crew and the recovery squad all rolled into one.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I do.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: So pre-season, I help coach and guide my clients to work out exactly where they're at right now and also what their goals for the season are, what their goals for the game are going to be, how they want their life to look and feel in two, five, ten, even twenty years' time, not just at the final siren of the divorce.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Let's go way in advance.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Where are you now?
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Where do you want to be?
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: And what needs to happen in between to get you from where you are to where you want to be?
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: So we set goals and we develop the game plan.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: Do they want, just does this particular client want to to work, to do the work, to stay, to reconnect, to rebuild and reconnect in the current relationship?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Do they perhaps want to leave without burning everything down, without leaving a wake of destruction or creating destruction?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Do they want to navigate or do they need to navigate a divorce where their ex is making a collaborative process challenging?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Have they been blindsided and they need just to regroup before they can even create a gr a game plan or take the first steps in that plan?
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: So we map out the game plan, we determine the skills or elements of their fitness that they need to work on or or build on in order for them to be able to execute the game plan.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_00: What is already working pretty well for them?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: What are their strong points?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: What are their natural skills, and where perhaps do they need to focus or improve or or expand, grow, upskill themselves.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Now that could be financial, it could be about real estate, about lending, about mortgage, about banking and borrowing.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: It might be about their work and career and how that's going to look and feel if they separate as they navigate divorce afterwards.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: It might be around parenting and co-parenting.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: It could just be as simple as finding the right legal, financial expertise and support, connecting.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: So building the team, helping them build their team.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Or often it's the social and emotional support that they need to move through one of life's hardest games, that is separation and divorce, without burning themselves out, without feeling devastated, or leaving that trail of injury and destruction in their wake.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Without, as I said to dad, without getting reported and rubbed out for the rest of the season.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: So without doing dumb stuff on the on the playing field.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: So offering them the scaffolding and the support so they don't self-sabotage, they don't get themselves reported, or you know, just do something dumb that blows up the that sabotages the process of their divorce and blows things up unnecessarily.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it's about the inner work.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Often it's about the inner work.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: Like the sports psychologists that work with AFL teams or high-level sports people, mindset, limiting beliefs, conditioning, stories, all the things that are going on inside.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: We work on those so that my clients can show up for themselves and play their version of the divorce game in a way that leads them towards their end goal, the future that they've defined for themselves.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, we work on all the emotional elements of playing such a high-stakes game, playing such at such a high level and making sure that you're emotionally capable of bringing your A game.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: So we do work a lot on emotions, reactivity, and communication.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: We work on emotional reactivity, dialing that down to enable my clients to calmly communicate.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: So everyone on their team is informed and they can make smart, timely decisions that lead you again toward that outcome that you've defined for yourself, towards the end point.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Calm communication so that you can articulate your wants, your needs, your desires, so you know what they are and you can speak to them.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: You can ask for what you need, you can collaborate to unravel your relationship, you can agree on what's most important for both of you, for your kids, and you can co-parent to best support your kids through their part in the game of divorce.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: We also work on fitness and strength.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Again, like a sports coach.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_00: So I support and guide my clients to build, improve, and strengthen the muscles and the skills that they're going to need to navigate this game, this divorce.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: We find the right people, as I said earlier, to bring onto their team and we work on their emotions and their reactivity so that they can show up and play the game in the right headspace.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: They can communicate with their own team members as well as with the opposition.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I don't like using that word opposition when we're talking about separation and divorce, but in the sporting context, it really helped my dad understand.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: So if you can communicate clearly and calmly with your own team members, but also with the other side, you can get through the game towards and and closer to the goal that you've set for yourself.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: We also troubleshoot and adapt to changing conditions.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm on call for my clients, I'm on call for you as you work the things out that you need to work out, or perhaps you don't work them out, you can't work them out.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: When things don't go according to the game plan, we come into the halftime huddle, reevaluate, adjust the plan, adapt to the new conditions.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: So if something comes from the opposition, from the other side, from the other team, we can troubleshoot that, nut it out, come up with a revised game plan and go back into an engaged situation from an empowered position.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: There's also cheerleading and analysis, an afterwards analysis.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: So we celebrate the wins, and by that I don't mean defeating the other side in inverted commas.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: I don't mean defeating your ex.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: We celebrate your forward progress, your momentum, your small victories as you move towards the goals that you've set for yourself.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: So a win might be showing up for yourself, speaking clearly to your wants and needs without getting emotional and without being reactive, without being explosive.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: So we celebrate the wins.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: We unpack things that didn't go so well.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: So we unpack the games that we didn't play so well and how we can shift things for the next round.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_00: So if something does blow up or something does escalate, then we can unpack that and work out what was underneath it, how you can support yourself, how you can shift your mindset, how you can dial down your emotional reactivity, how you can soothe your nervous system so that when it happens next time, you're not so reactive.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: You're ready, you're trained, you're prepared.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: So I went back to my dad and I said, I'm the coach, I'm the fitness consultant, I'm the team manager, I'm the sports psychologist, but I'm also the number one fan and cheerleader, not in this situation of a football team or a football match, but of someone's divorce, which is as I keep saying, it's no game, but you get the gist.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: So if you or someone you know, care about and love is maybe in the preseason of your separation, divorce, asking the hard questions, thinking about whether to stay or go, or one or both of you has made the decision to call it and you're recruiting for your divorce squad, and you would like to explore having me on your team as your coach, let's chat.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link to book a free intro call with me where we can talk about coaching options and building the team, the right team for you as you navigate this game.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link for you to book that call in the show notes.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: You can book directly in my calendar.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's not sleazy, it's not salesy, it's about you finding the right fit for your team to play your game to find your own answers.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you've found something of what you needed today.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: And let me just finish by saying go swans.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Stanley Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at ReflectCoaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in the life.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of reclaim and liberation.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.