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Want More? That's Information · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage, these are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrentry people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, hello, and welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Lorate for another week, another episode.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: And this week I'm going to start with a question.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: And that question is: have you stopped letting yourself want things?
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Have you stopped letting allowing yourself to want to want things?
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: And if you have, when did that happen?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: Or when did it start to happen?
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: And I want to clarify here that I'm not really talking about the practical things, you know, not wanting your kids to be okay, or not wanting your finances to settle, or all the paperwork to be finally done, or if you're still in relationship, you know, wanting things to be smooth, whatever, whatever the thing is.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about the other things, the ones that feel almost um embarrassing or a little bit of shame wrapped around them to admit.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's about wanting the life that you actually desire.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: It's about the way you actually want to feel in your everyday, in your life, the things that you want to do and have and be that maybe those wants have gotten quieter and quieter over time.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe for you, you're still in a relationship that doesn't feel like you want it to, it doesn't feel like it's enough, it doesn't light you up, and you've been telling yourself that wanting different, wanting more means something about you.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: It means something is wrong with you, that a good partner, a good wife, a good woman, a good girl wouldn't feel that pull, that wanting differently, even maybe wanting out, is selfish, ungrateful, too much, wanting too much, asking too much.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: Is that the story you're telling yourself?
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: And have you stopped allowing yourself to want?
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're out the other side or you're in the messy middle, maybe you've left, you're so you've survived the the hard stuff, and now wanting feels a little bit scary, even dangerous, like you used up your allowance of good stuff, or you used up your allowance by making the hard call by leaving, like you should be grateful for okay on the other side.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: You should be grateful for stable, you should be grateful for where you've landed here after the messy hard stuff, like wanting more, even after everything that's happened and everything it costs you and all the hard wanting more is again like you're wanting too much, it's a bit greedy or ungrateful, and you know, for both of those situations, different moment, same experience, same wound, right?
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: But when did wanting more start to feel like you were the problem or like you like something you had to justify?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: When did the wanting itself become the issue or the problem?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: And when did you get so good at editing yourself, editing your own desires, dreams, hopes that you stopped perhaps even noticing that you were doing it?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: It simply became the way you lived and moved through your life.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: I think we have a really complicated relationship with desire, especially as women, as females, especially women who've also been through something hard or are in the middle of something hard, or are quietly questioning, quietly wondering whether they're actually allowed to want their way out of that something hard, right?
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: And there's a particular guilt or feeling of guilt that settles in us in a relationship that isn't working or isn't lighting us up or isn't everything we hoped it could be, or even in the aftermath of one that ended, and that is that sense that wanting more is greedy, it is asking too much, that you should just be focused on satisfied where you are, on getting through, not necessarily on what comes next, that wanting a different life somehow dishonours the one that you have, or the years that you spent, or the family and the life that you built.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: And underneath all of that, I believe is a quieter, deeper, more deeply hidden belief, and one that doesn't always rise up or announce itself openly or clearly, and that is that maybe you think you don't deserve more, that wanting more than okay is asking too much, and that after everything, the mess, the grief, the staying too long, the settling in the messy middle, or still in the relationship, even the leaving, after all that, you should just be grateful for what you've got for stable, for okay.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: You should be grateful for okay.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: But here's what I want you to sit with for a moment.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: The wanting isn't really just about the thing, it never really is.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: If we peel it back far enough, if we dig deep enough, if we go past that specific desire, past even the life you imagine for yourself, past the version of the of yourself that you catch glimpses of or you think about, and then you quickly turn away from.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: Underneath all of that is something even more fundamental.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: Underneath that wanting more, when I work with clients, things come up like I want to feel like myself.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: I want to feel fully me.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: I want to feel fully alive in my life, I want to feel like I matter, that I want, that what I want matters.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: I want to feel chosen, yes, by someone, by life, but really what we're saying when we say I want to be chosen is I want to choose myself.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be chosen by and for myself, and that's what underpins what's underneath that niggling feeling of wanting more.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: It's not greed, it's not ingratitude, it's not someone who has a decent, okay life and doesn't know how good or doesn't acknowledge or accept how good she has it or how far she's come.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's a woman who knows on some level that you maybe can't even fully express or articulate clearly yet, that there is more, there is more available to her, to you, than what you're currently allowing yourself to have.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: And that knowing, that wanting is not wrong, it's not a problem, it doesn't make you the problem.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: That knowing, that wanting is information, and here's where I think it gets really complicated because most of us don't treat that wanting, that niggling desire for more, for different.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: We don't treat it as information, we treat it as evidence, we treat it as evidence that we're too much, that we're never satisfied, that we're selfish for wanting different, wanting more, wanting to leave, or we're ungrateful for not being content with what we do have, or we're too bold for thinking we want to get anything at all after the mess we made, right?
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: Or the years we lost or the ways we got it wrong.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: And so we shut it down.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: We shut down that wanting, we shut down desire, and we make ourselves a little smaller, not necessarily because someone else is asking us to this time, but because it has become a habit, a reflex.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: The thing we do before anyone else does it for us, and we tell ourselves it's gratitude, we tell ourselves it's perspective, we tell ourselves we're being realistic, we're being grounded, we're being humble about what we can expect from our life.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: But I want to really name what it actually is because underpinning all of it, this behavior is actually a form of self-abandonment.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: The belief that you have to earn the right to want things, that desire needs to be justified.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: It also needs to be proportionate, proportionate to what you've already what you already have, maybe proportionate to the work that you've put in, the suffering that you've gone through.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: It has to be approved by some internal committee before it's allowed to exist, and that's not humility, that's not gratitude, that is you leaving yourself again, and the softer truth underneath that hard one, the hard fact that that is you abandoning yourself, leaving yourself, is that you learned that somewhere.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: You learned the shrinking, the not wanting, or the apologizing for wanting.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: You learned that wanting was not okay, that gratitude, gratefulness is expected of you.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: You learned somewhere, sometime that your wanting, your desire, your hopes, your dreams, your wanting was too much or not valid or not deserved, and it was something to be kept quiet and kept small.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: But that was never true.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: It was never true back then, and it is not true now.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's learned.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it might be deeply ingrained conditioning, but it's learned.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: Worthiness is not something we earn, it is it is not something that we gain on the other side of whatever, the other side of healing enough, being further along, doing the hard stuff, or finally getting things right.
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's not a destination that you arrive at when you've finally built up enough evidence to make the decision that you need to make, whatever that decision is.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's not something that you're gifted when you get through the messy hard of separation, divorce, and it's all finalized, or and the kids are okay, or you've done enough work on yourself.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: We don't earn our worthiness.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Worthiness comes with a decision, and you can make that decision right now in the mess, in the middle, in the not yet, in the not sure, and also in the what if I want too much, what if I am too much?
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: You can make that decision because you are, we all are, worthy of wanting, and wanting fully, without condition, without having to justify it to anyone, least of all to yourself.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: Wanting is valid, and you are worthy of wanting.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: So whether you're still in it, lying awake, asking the questions over and over, lying next to someone, wondering if this is all there is, or if you're standing in that strange open new space of what comes after, and not quite sure what next steps to take, what to reach for next?
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: Let yourself want.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Go down that rabbit hole of want and see where it leads you.
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_00: What is it that you really want?
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: Allow that to come up for yourself, regardless of where you're sitting on that spectrum of a relationship.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: What might happen if you allow yourself, I mean, really allow yourself to want the thing, whatever that is for you, the life, the joy, the freedom, the expansion, whatever it is.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I say this not because wanting guarantees you'll get everything, not because simply desiring it is the magic trick that will take you towards the life that you imagine, but because wanting more, allowing yourself to want and desire and ask for more from your life, knowing and believing that you are absolutely worthy of it, it's not reckless.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's not I was gonna say it's not dangerous.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it can be, right?
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I mean dangerous in that it is disruptive, but mostly it's information, and it's information that is guiding you.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: It is information that gets to be part of your map forward to whatever's next for you.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: So wanting, desire is information.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: Allow it to be information rather than evidence of something wrong about you.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Use that information because it is powerful and it is pointing you home.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: Pointing you home to yourself.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_00: So I circle back to the beginning and I'm gonna ask, I'm gonna end as I started with a question.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: What do you really, really, really want for yourself?
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: As always, I thank you for sharing time with me.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: If you know someone who this episode might help support or give permission to allow them to want, desire, hope, dream again, please share it with them.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: And if you know that you're ready for support to claim what you really want for yourself in your life, in your relationship, let's have a conversation about what that can look like with my support.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link in the show notes, as always, to book a call.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to chat with you and explore what working one-on-one with me might look like for you.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: If that's something you want, maybe it is time for you to claim that for yourself.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Until next week, bye for now.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_00: Until then,