Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S4 Ep9: Laughing Through the Meltdown 🤣

Transcript

S4 Ep9: Laughing Through the Meltdown 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I know nothing about like adult stuff that you're supposed to know about.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_00: Uh global warming.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's the one that everybody yells at you about.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, you better do something.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I'm so tired of it.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Let's do it.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I don't I barely made it out of high school.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I don't really know how rain works.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: So why don't why don't you let me figure that out?
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: And then I'll do global warming, you know?
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: But I've seen it rain without clouds.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Where's that water coming from?
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm pretty swamped with this rain stuff right now, but once I get to the bottom of that, I'm gonna do global warming.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: And I got some pretty good ideas, you know.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: We recycle, you know, and we recycle because my wife, it's her, she gets all the credit for that.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: I would never recycle if I was by I don't I don't do it if she's not looking at me.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: So I would never do it if I was alone.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I looked up a list of like, all right, like what are you supposed to do for global warming as an individual?
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: And it was a big long list, but the first thing on the list was my favorite.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: It just said, just talk to your friends and family about it.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Think about your friends and family, like not the ones that are the good ones close.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: Think about the how far out it goes.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Just when you guys get together, but do you mind if we talk about global warming for a I just thought this would be a good time to get into it?
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: I had a great aunt and uncle fist fight each other at a wedding.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Let me get in the middle of that fight.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Any chance this fight was about global warming?
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Because I just would love to get that conversation rolling, you know.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: I get it.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: We're supposed to, it's supposed to, we got it, we it's for our kids' kids and their kids, and we want to make sure they have a good earth and their environment and stuff.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: We don't want to have a bad earth.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: And we don't want them to be mad at us and yell at us.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: But I don't think they will, because I don't think we get mad.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: I don't ever see litter on the ground and call my grandmother and be like, where do you get off?
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I don't know how you show your face anymore, all right?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: It's cloudy today.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Is that because you smoked on planes?
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: Probably.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Why'd you have to smoke that high?
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Where do you think that smoke was going?
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, the earth is in a terrible mess, and it's my fault, my generation's fault.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_03: And the generation before, the boomers, with their deforestation and their fossil fuels, ruining the ozone layer, raising the temperature by a few degrees, so parasites, you know, bacteria, and the zootropic pandemics are just gonna get worse and worse.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_03: Like, if you're 20 years old now, you're gonna have a very different middle age than me.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_03: I've had the best 60 years of civilization, right?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_03: But if you're 20 now, in 40 years' time, you're gonna be in your house wearing a mask, crying.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_03: Like you do now over jokes.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_03: And I'm not gonna be around to see that, but I am gonna spend my entire fortune from now on on private jets to make sure it definitely fucking happens.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_03: We're gonna be the first generation that future generations are jealous of, right?
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_03: Because we had it all and we're using it all up.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_03: We're using up all the fresh water, we're using up all the fossil fuel, right?
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_03: Usually you look back in history and you feel sorry for it, you go, oh, how did they live like that?
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, how did they get around?
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_03: No indoor toilets.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_03: I've got nine toilets in my house.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_03: Um sometimes I just run around flushing them for a laugh.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_03: Just so that in 40 years' time, Greta Thunberg has to shit out of a window.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_09: Look, I know global warming's real.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_09: I know it's real.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_09: There is no question in my mind.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_09: But also, it's pretty impressive.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_09: It's pretty impressive that this thing's been around for four and a half billion years.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_09: We've been around for uh 6,000 for civilization, 200,000 as a race, and we broke it.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_09: That's pretty rock and roll, dude.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_09: You're a pussy ass earth, is what it is.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_09: You're a it's sad, it's disgusting.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_09: No, it's it's awful.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_09: It's awful, but I also don't want to be yelled at about it.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_09: Because it's such a massive problem that you're like, why are you yelling at me about the globe heating up?
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_09: That's crazy.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_09: I'm not the one that dumped millions of gallons into the ocean of oil.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_09: I didn't do any of that stuff.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_09: Why are you yelling at me?
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_09: I don't like that.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_09: Don't yell at me, all right?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_09: Like they sent that kid out, Greta Thunberg, they sent a child to yell at us.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_09: They sent a child to yell at you, and you took it.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_09: All of you just took it.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_09: And I'll say this, dude, good on that little girl for having like the bravery and the confidence to stand up for something she believes in for her generation, something that she really cares about, and to talk to adults like that about something she's passionate about.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_09: Like, good for that kid, dude.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_09: That's impressive.
• 5:06
  unknown: Woo!
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_09: But also, shut up, you little asshole.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_09: It's fucking.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_09: You never paid a mortgage, you dick.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_09: You don't know how hard this is.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_09: You never got a parking ticket when you got 19 bucks left to your name.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_09: Shut up.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_09: Also, I know she's from Sweden, but I didn't like that little Nazi twang in her voice.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_09: You heard it.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_09: And she was like, shame on you.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_09: You're like, hey, hey, hey, hey.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_09: What is that?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_09: Is that Nazi shit?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_09: What was that?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_05: And I'm not here to make some big announcement like I'm pregnant.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_05: I'm not.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_05: But after multiple rounds of trying, I am excited to share that my husband and I do have one baby girl embryo on ice.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_05: Thank you.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_05: Thank you.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_05: It's so crazy that I can even say that, right?
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_05: Like science is such a wild thing.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_05: I now know that I have a baby girl somewhere.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_05: And it's really wild because, you know, like I already know, and I can be honest with myself, I already know I'm gonna be a terrible mother.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_05: You know what I mean?
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_05: Like this baby girl's on ice somewhere, and I never once asked the doctor, like, where the fuck she is.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_05: She could be like tucked away tucked away behind like ground beef at a Wendy's by the airport.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_05: At the corner of rape and regret.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_05: Like, I don't know.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_05: And as soon as you tell people that you have embryos, of course, you're like, well, when are you gonna implant?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_05: When are you gonna become a mommy?
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_05: And I gotta be honest with you, I was so grateful to all the women who encouraged me while I was going through this process.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_05: But most importantly, the real bitches were like, listen, Heather, take your time, right?
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_05: Take your time.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_05: And honestly, it's kind of terrifying to think about bringing a new life into this world, right?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_05: With all this crazy shit going on.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_05: And then the other day I was talking to Jeff, I was like, maybe we should do it now.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_05: And then we were watching CNN, and just then I look up and Greta Thornburg's on the news, and she's just like freaking the fuck out.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_05: She's like, everybody run for your lives.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_05: The pull of ice caps and mouth and Greenland's on fire.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_05: And it dawned on me, I was like, oh my god, what if right now my baby girl is defrosting and I don't even know it.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_05: So I just wanted to tell you all tonight, if for like any reason in the next couple weeks, next couple months, you see a little baby girl in a reed basket floating down the Mississippi River, just like Moses did, wearing a cheetah print crop top, holding a glass full of white wine and smoking a cigarette, send that baby girl home.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_05: That's my daughter.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_08: I saw this thing though, though they said if everybody went vegan, if everybody went vegan, though, it would be a vegetarian, whatever the hell they said, one of those B1s, right?
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_08: And they said it would be great for the uh for the environment.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_08: You know, because I guess there's all this cattle standing around, and when they fart, the gas goes up in the atmosphere and causes something.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_08: Right?
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_08: They're always doing that shit.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_08: You know, if everybody went vegan, the air would be, if everybody drove an electric car, if everybody just had some snowshoes on.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_08: Right?
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_08: They just won't come out and say it.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_08: Nobody has the balls to come out and say it and just say, look, 85% of you have to go.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_08: That's it.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_08: That is it.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_08: I have been bitching about the population problem for three specials in a row.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_08: Waiting for some politician to have the balls to bring it up, but they won't do it.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_08: They won't do it.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_08: We live in a democracy.
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_08: Right?
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_08: You can't be honest in a democracy.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_08: You need the votes.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_07: You can't run as with that as your platform coming out there, and if elected, I would implement a program to immediately eliminate at least 85% of you.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_07: This planet cannot sustain the sheer numbers.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_07: Let me finish.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_07: This will not be arbitrary.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_07: Under your seats is a multiple choice questionnaire.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_07: You did not bring a pencil, you're already out.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_06: The thing about Trump, though, if you agree with him, you might kind of like him on certain subjects.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_06: Because he's such a blunt force instrument.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_06: Like, who else would you want if he was afraid of global warming at a global warming conference?
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_06: Than Trump.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: Because he would be like, you know, you know, you're stupid countries, you're very stupid, you're stupid, stupid countries.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: You're a disaster, you're disaster, you're spewing stuff in the air, it's a disaster, it's a disaster, you're stupid, stupid disaster.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: The whole planet's getting hot, even the grass is hot.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: I will be so good with global warming.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: I will be so, so good with global warming.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: I will make CO2 pay for it.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: I promise you that.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: I know how to make glaciers.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: I know how to make glaciers.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: I can make a lot of glaciers, okay?
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: I will take all the ice from the Trump hotels.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: There's a lot of ice, I can promise you that.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: I will put it on the carnival cruise ships.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: They're friends of mine, I know these people.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_04: Are there any vegans in?
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_04: I keep reading about how vegans are taking over.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_04: And then I do I do these shows and I say, are there any vegans in?
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_04: And there's only ever three of them, and it sounds like they're sat together.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_04: It is.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_04: Do you know what I think is actually more popular than veganism in this country?
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_04: Hating vegans.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_04: I actually think that's the big movement.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_04: Who here hates vegans?
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_04: So passionate, so she's got the fucking armor.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_04: You know we're better for the planet, don't you?
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_04: You cheese and meat eating motherfuckers.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_04: You know that?
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_04: Anyone here worried about the planet?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_04: Global crisis, crawley, couldn't give a shiny shit.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_04: Couldn't give a shiny shit.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_04: I get it, it's very difficult, isn't it?
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_04: Because you know, you want to care about the environment, but it's nice out.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_04: You know, it's it's a difficult thing to engage with.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_04: It's probably gonna get better before it gets worse.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_04: I've heard Glasgow's gonna be like Barbados for a couple of weeks.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_04: Difficult, I get it, because you've got your own problems.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_04: You've got problems that are affecting you immediately.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_04: How can you care about the environment?
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_04: I mean, I wish I gave more of a shit.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_04: Like, I do give a shit, but I don't give enough of a shit.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_04: Do you know what I mean?
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_04: Like, I wish I gave more of a shit.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_04: Like, I don't want the planet to come to an end, obviously.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_04: But I also can't be asked to rinse out a yogurt pot.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_04: So I'm just stood there in the morning in my dressing gown, just like, sorry, uh, I can't fucking do that.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_09: Don't yell at me about shit I can't control.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_09: That's the thing.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_09: I can't control that.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_09: Why are you yelling at me about something I can't control?
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_09: And they bully us about it.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_09: They took away straws in California, they made them illegal in some states to serve.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_09: It's insane.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_09: And they took them away, and we were like, alright, alright, I guess.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_09: No one asked for proof.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_09: No one was like, why are you doing this?
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_09: And they threw away, they go, uh, turtles, turtles are dying.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_09: And we just were like, oh, okay, seems reasonable.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_09: Does it?
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_09: Where?
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_09: Where are all these turtles?
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_09: I'm almost 40, I've seen six turtles my whole life.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_09: You're telling me millions of turtles are dying with straws lodged in their heads?
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_09: Where?
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_09: Show me the shells.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_09: Show me the shells, and I'll stop using them.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_09: I don't buy it.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_09: I'm not a smart man.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_09: But that math does not add up.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_09: The physics on that is crazy.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_09: Ocean big.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_09: Ocean big.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_09: Big ocean, yeah?
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_09: Ocean big, straw float.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_09: Turtle move.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_09: Tide strong in ocean big.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_09: Ocean big, turtle move, tide strong, straw float.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_09: You're telling me all these elements line up perfectly for a straw to get in a less than five millimeter halt goot in a turtle's head?
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_09: That's like me flicking a Q-tip of the air and catching in the tip of my penis.