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S2E11 - Using the Choice-Giving Skill at Home: The Key to Reducing Power Struggles · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

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  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
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  Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give
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  you insight awareness and enlightenment about your parenting
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  and your relationship with your kids.
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  In today's episode, we are doing practical application of the second pillar,
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  which is Choice giving.
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  We covered the skill itself several weeks back and
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  now we're in a part of the curriculum where
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  I'm actually helping you understand what it looks like
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  on a day to day basis with your kids
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  and obviously being able to take the skill and learn
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  how to apply it in an effective and practical way.
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  So we are going to do
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  a deep dive kind of into how we would
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  implement choice giving
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  in the real world situations with our kids so that
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  we get the benefit of their self esteem build.
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  We get the benefit of their self control development
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  and the reduction in power struggles. So we're gonna kind of unpack
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  the choice giving pillar.
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  But in context of what does this look like moment
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  by moment when we're going throughout our day in our parenting
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  capacity
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  and figuring out what to do to provide choices to our kids
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  so that they are practicing, making those decisions,
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  practicing accepting ownership of those choices
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  and learning to self control along the way,
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  the path to calm, confident and in control, parenting starts now.
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  All right.
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  So as we talked about before, when we think about the pillar of choice giving,
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  there are two different types of choices that we provide to kids. So the first is
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  we are giving them
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  a choice just for the sake of the choice so that they are able to feel empowered.
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  This is most often
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  easy to do when they would normally just be given
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  something or told something or something is done for them.
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  We can very clearly transition to providing a choice in that scenario.
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  That is really just to empower them
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  with the opportunity.
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  And here's why this matters
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  and we talked about this a little bit before,
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  but it's worth reiterating because this really can't be stressed enough.
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  Kids really don't have a lot of control over anything in their lives.
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  And as a result of that, when we see kids that are constantly power struggling,
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  when we see kids that are constantly fighting for a measure of control,
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  they are trying to balance the scales,
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  they feel very powerless,
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  they feel very out of control
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  and therefore they're trying to take it wherever they can.
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  So in an effort to recognize that and honor that
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  if we provide empowerment choices for kids, then kids are
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  feeling immediately
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  less out of control and less powerless.
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  And the beauty of this is we set the parameters.
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  So we're ok with either choice.
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  And therefore, when we say
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  you can choose to
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  hold my hand while we walk through the parking lot,
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  or you can choose to help me push the
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  grocery cart while we walk through the parking lot.
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  Which do you choose
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  in that scenario,
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  you're ok with either
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  the child can hold your hand, the child can push the buggy,
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  but the child gets a measure of control.
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  And whereas that child might actually want to dart
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  into the parking lot because that's exercising control.
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  Now all of a sudden it's, oh, well, do I wanna hold the hand or do I wanna push the buggy?
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  So when we give empowerment choices, we are setting parameters, we are providing
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  the context of the choice and we're ok with either one and this
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  really is the beauty of choice giving because often a lot of parents question
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  the idea of giving kids power and control
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  many times. It feels as though kids already have too much power and control.
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  So the thought of giving them more flies in the
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  face of what they believe to be appropriate parenting.
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  But the really interesting piece of this is by providing
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  control within boundaries and parameters
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  in the context of a choice.
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  The child actually is able to feel empowered, feel in control,
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  but they're not actually doing anything that you're already not accepting of.
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  So we gave the illustration of the parking lot.
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  Let's talk through maybe some things about home or school or things like that,
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  packing lunches,
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  getting ready to go to school in the morning,
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  picking up in the afternoon from school,
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  all kinds of opportunities to provide choices
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  so they can choose what they wear, they can choose what they have in their lunch.
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  They can choose what they have for breakfast.
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  They can choose where they sit in the vehicle on the way to or from school.
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  They can choose what music they listen to
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  in the vehicle.
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  So all of these are empowerment choices that are really just
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  to give the child that control. You don't really care.
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  I mean, honestly we do care, right?
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  Like who wants to listen to Frozen and who wants to listen to kid bop. But
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  once we decide, you know what,
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  it's a short car ride and this would be an opportunity for my
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  child to have a measure of control before they go to school.
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  I'm going to suffer through frozen or kid bop.
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  Then you offer that as a choice. Child chooses
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  and feels empowered. Win. Win. Let's talk through some options at home.
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  Child struggles to
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  get homework done.
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  So you can choose to do homework right now or
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  you can choose to do homework in 10 minutes.
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  Child does not like to eat dinner. Very picky.
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  Only wants chicken nuggets and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
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  Do you know how often I've heard that, by the way,
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  that's why I'm using that as an example.
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  My kid will only eat chicken nuggets, macaroni and cheese,
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  and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
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  All right. So if that's your child or something along the lines of that child,
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  then you provide options that you are ok with
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  that. The child would also be ok with maybe not the child's favorite, but
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  there's ownership in the choice.
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  So the very nature of making a choice means that the
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  child will be more likely to comply with the choice.
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  So if the child likes
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  sort of likes
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  Mandarin oranges and sort of likes grapes
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  and you really would like them to have something healthy instead of mac and cheese,
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  then you would provide the choice of Mandarin oranges or grapes with dinner.
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  Notice you're ok with both child kind of likes both.
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  Therefore, when the child chooses grapes,
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  the child is much more likely to actually eat the
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  grapes because they had control over the choice that was made
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  and therefore they own the outcome of that choice.
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  So as you can see, as we provide choices to kids for empowerment,
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  we are constantly communicating to them.
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  You have control,
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  you have power,
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  you don't have to fight so hard for it.
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  We don't always have to be in a power struggle.
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  We don't always have to be fighting each other.
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  I consistently provide you with choices
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  and therefore that provides you with opportunities to
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  feel in control and feel like you have power
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  and that becomes the antidote.
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  Kids really are not given by any adult in their life,
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  any opportunities to be in charge,
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  which is why the child-centered play therapy model is so effective
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  because when the child comes into the playroom,
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  they are given the opportunity to be in charge.
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  That's revolutionary to a child.
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  They're not in charge anywhere ever for any reason.
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  Therefore, as we are constantly giving empowerment choices, it
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  evens the scales a little bit.
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  Now,
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  I want to briefly talk about enforcement choices
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  because this will actually tie into next week,
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  which will be the limit setting practical application.
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  So often once we've set a limit,
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  we provide enforcement choices,
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  but this is a little bit distinct and
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  separate because the empowerment choices live independently.
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  You can choose Mandarin oranges with dinner or you can choose grapes with dinner.
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  Which do you choose?
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  That is a stand alone choice not connected to anything else.
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  The enforcement choices are connected to the limit that is set.
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  So you would really like to go outside and play right now, but it's time for dinner.
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  You can choose to play with your friends after dinner or you can choose to
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  watch TV, after dinner, which do you choose?
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  So notice that those choices are tied to its dinner time and therefore
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  it's time to stay inside the house.
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  Therefore, when we're giving enforcement choices,
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  they need to map to the child's original desire.
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  If the child is bored before dinner,
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  what can I do? How long is it gonna be before dinner is ready? I wanna go out and play.
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  Ok. Maybe they don't actually wanna go see their friends.
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  Maybe they just want something to do
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  or
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  I've been sitting in the house all day and I haven't seen my friends at all.
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  Can I please go down to my friend's house? Ok. Now that is truly, I wanna see friends.
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  So notice that your enforcement choices are always going to map to the child's need,
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  desire or want.
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  But the limit is in the middle of that.
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  So you really want had to have something to do before dinner
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  or you really want to spend time with your friends today.
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  But right now it's time for dinner
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  and then the choices that are provided
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  allow for the child's need to be met.
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  So you can choose to see your friends right after dinner or
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  you can choose to see your friends tomorrow since it's the weekend.
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  That would be the seeing friends need. If it's I'm bored,
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  you can choose to read a book right now or you can choose to
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  do a puzzle right now until dinner's ready. Which do you choose?
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  Keep in mind that as you're using these enforcement and empowerment choices,
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  the word choose is necessary
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  if you say you can read a book or you can do a puzzle
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  until dinner is ready.
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  If the word choose isn't in there three times, it loses all effectiveness
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  because it's no longer a choice.
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  And it has to be very clear that the child has power.
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  It has to be very clear that the child is making the decision
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  and it's very easy for us to forget to use those words.
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  So make sure that as you're using either choice, enforcement or empowerment,
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  you're using the word choose,
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  you can choose a, you can choose B which do you choose?
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  Because that is how we reduce the power struggles.
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  That is how the child builds self-confidence.
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  That is how the child practices, what it feels like to make a decision
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  and therefore owning the outcome of that as well,
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  their self responsibility that's gained
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  by choosing
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  an outcome
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  because if the child does not like the outcome,
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  it was their choice
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  and they learn
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  to regulate accordingly.
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  All right.
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  So I hope that was helpful for you hopeful that you're starting to
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  see how to actually do this in your home with your kids.
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  That's the goal.
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  And if you would like to reach out to me, I would love to hear from you.
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  Please submit questions.
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  If you would like me to answer a question for you on the air,
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  I'd be happy to do that brenna@thekidcounselor.com or you
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  can call if you're in the States 813-812-5525 and leave a message.
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  No one actually monitors that phone. It's just a place for you to leave a voicemail.
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  So please feel free to do that if that would be easier than emailing me.
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  And if you would like to stay in touch and make sure you're aware of what's going on.
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  Go to playtherapyparenting.com and you can subscribe to the newsletter there.
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  I'll send you a free video on birth order
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  and we can stay connected through the newsletter.
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  So
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  thank you so much for spending time with me each week. I really appreciate all of you.
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  I hope, I hope that every single episode
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  reminds you and encourages you and inspires you
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  for the journey ahead. Right? Parenting is a journey
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  and the more equipped we are, the more knowledgeable, we are,
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  the more skills we possess,
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  the easier it is. And that's why you're here and that's why I do what I do.
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  So, really grateful for each and every one of you. We'll talk again soon. Bye.
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  Thank you for listening
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  to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks
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  for more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter.
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  Please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.