Latest / Parent's Talk with Francine Juhlin / EPISODE 15: Why Kids Need to Talk About Feelings (And How to Start)

Transcript

EPISODE 15: Why Kids Need to Talk About Feelings (And How to Start) · Parent's Talk with Francine Juhlin

0:00
Speaker 1: Do you ever feel like the cloud is just hanging
0:03
Speaker 1: over your head. Well, that's what we're going to talk
0:06
Speaker 1: about today and give you some resources and tools that
0:10
Speaker 1: you could use to help move.
0:12
Speaker 2: The cloud away.
0:15
Speaker 1: I'm here today with Kendall Concini, author of Mom's Cloud
0:21
Speaker 1: and The Beach Adventure. Kendall, please tell everyone about this book.
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Speaker 3: So, this book is about a beach day, a quiet cloud,
0:32
Speaker 3: and a family's love that shines through It is a
0:35
Speaker 3: book that I had spent the early years of my
0:40
Speaker 3: daughter's life searching for. I wanted a way to explain
0:45
Speaker 3: my struggles with mental health depression to her, but through
0:50
Speaker 3: a fun picture book. Because there are children's books for
0:54
Speaker 3: almost everything out there to talk about emotions and family
0:59
Speaker 3: and friends and manners. But I couldn't find anything that
1:03
Speaker 3: really got to a parent's perspective on mental health aspects.
1:09
Speaker 3: There were emotions, a lot on sadness, but it was
1:13
Speaker 3: all cause and effect. I dropped my ice cream, I'm crying,
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Speaker 3: I'm sad. Nothing showed what it was like to struggle
1:19
Speaker 3: with something bigger and still feel safe and connected. And
1:23
Speaker 3: so I wrote it based on a bedtime story I
1:26
Speaker 3: had started telling.
1:27
Speaker 4: My daughter about.
1:29
Speaker 3: And so The book follows a beach day where the
1:32
Speaker 3: family is really excited to go and when they get there,
1:37
Speaker 3: a cloud shows up and the cloud is Mom's depression.
1:41
Speaker 3: And the family knows what the cloud is, but Mom
1:43
Speaker 3: is the one who really sees and experiences it, and
1:46
Speaker 3: so throughout the day they engage her in their activities
1:50
Speaker 3: in the way that they are supportive of mom and
1:54
Speaker 3: show that just being together is what matters. You don't
1:58
Speaker 3: have to just be happy or fix yourself, you just
2:01
Speaker 3: have your team with you.
2:04
Speaker 1: I love it, and I love how supportive Dad is
2:07
Speaker 1: in this book. It really puts Dad in the forefront
2:12
Speaker 1: and how he's a resource for mom when she's got
2:16
Speaker 1: this cloud. Is this really your husband? Yeah?
2:20
Speaker 3: So a lot of people have asked, and I get
2:22
Speaker 3: emotional every time because I have struggled with depression throughout
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Speaker 3: my entire life, and it was something where I honestly
2:31
Speaker 3: didn't think kids were in my future, because when you
2:34
Speaker 3: have a.
2:35
Speaker 4: Cloud, you can't see beyond it.
2:38
Speaker 3: And so throughout our time, you know, in our early
2:41
Speaker 3: marriage and fostering kids, my husband had shown me the
2:44
Speaker 3: rays of light that come through the cloud that I
2:47
Speaker 3: have provided to others and really gave me the support
2:51
Speaker 3: to have a family of our own, and so a
2:54
Speaker 3: lot of the lines in there are just direct things
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Speaker 3: that he has told me throughout our life.
3:00
Speaker 4: It's like that it's a part of you, and it's
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Speaker 4: not all of you.
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Speaker 3: So I am happy that that comes across to people
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Speaker 3: because without that, I wouldn't have been able to kind
3:11
Speaker 3: of have this loving family.
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Speaker 4: And then my kids kind of mimic Dad.
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Speaker 3: And so it's just an empathetic unit that I'm very
3:19
Speaker 3: proud of in my life.
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Speaker 1: So this book isn't just for moms to read to
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Speaker 1: the kids. This is a book for the whole family
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Speaker 1: to read. If there is that cloud in your family anywhere,
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Speaker 1: Grandma might be the one with the cloud, read this
3:38
Speaker 1: book so you can understand what Grandma's going through.
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Speaker 3: Yes, and I wrote it because it is my family,
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Speaker 3: and that was what was easy to put on the page.
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Speaker 3: But what my message is intended to be is the
3:52
Speaker 3: world experience outside of your own. So my hope is
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Speaker 3: that the cloud becomes part of that everyday conversation. Since
4:00
Speaker 3: I started sharing my journey of the book, I have
4:02
Speaker 3: been able to text friends and families and just say hy,
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Speaker 3: I'm having a cloudy day. I can't hang out instead
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Speaker 3: of having to make an excuse. And with that, my
4:12
Speaker 3: daughter has actually been able to personify her own feelings.
4:16
Speaker 3: She calls it a tornado. But it's sort of teaching
4:20
Speaker 3: that you can struggle with something and you can identify
4:24
Speaker 3: it in a way that is easy to say to
4:26
Speaker 3: someone in weather patterns is a great kind of analogy there.
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Speaker 3: And so this is about a family, but it's really
4:35
Speaker 3: just about there are experiences outside of your own. Someone
4:38
Speaker 3: can be smiling and going through something a lot heavier
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Speaker 3: and you can't see their cloud, and so I'm hoping
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Speaker 3: it's just the language that comes through.
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Speaker 1: What I love about it is when you put a
4:50
Speaker 1: name on something, it makes it less of a stigma.
4:55
Speaker 1: And using the weather, every everybody in the whole wide
5:01
Speaker 1: world experiences weather. They might not understand if you talked
5:06
Speaker 1: about snow and they lived in the South, or they
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Speaker 1: might not understand the bitter cold if they've never experienced it.
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Speaker 1: But everybody has seen a cloud and understands that it
5:24
Speaker 1: covers the sun, it blocks the light. How did you
5:32
Speaker 1: start using this term? I mean, what made you start?
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Speaker 1: Was it your husband or was it something that just
5:40
Speaker 1: popped into your head?
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Speaker 3: It's therapy, so if anyone's ever struggling, go to therapy.
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Speaker 3: It actually started as a wave, and my therapist talked
5:49
Speaker 3: about it as a wave pulling me under. So you
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Speaker 3: can be standing in the water and feel the undertow
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Speaker 3: pulling and you can't identify it, but it's there. And
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Speaker 3: so when I started to just describe it to my children,
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Speaker 3: waves don't move, but the cloud can go anywhere.
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Speaker 4: So it was saying, I.
6:08
Speaker 3: Can be here where I always am and it shows up,
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Speaker 3: and then I do have on my blog. I kind
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Speaker 3: of wrote a blog about the types of clouds, and
6:17
Speaker 3: so when I really started to research for this book
6:20
Speaker 3: the different types of clouds, because I'm not a scientific person,
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Speaker 3: but it was fascinating because it really did hit Clouds
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Speaker 3: can be outside in the sunshine and they can be
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Speaker 3: happy things that you see as shapes and animals, but
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Speaker 3: they're still there, and then they can come when storms come.
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Speaker 3: And so I thought that was perfect for how depression
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Speaker 3: is because it doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense
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Speaker 3: that it's here in the sunshine, and it doesn't make
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Speaker 3: sense that it's here in a stormy day. And so
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Speaker 3: the cloud was a very easy identification for me, that
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Speaker 3: just kind of was like, yes, that's it.
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Speaker 1: I think that this is a pivotal experience for children
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Speaker 1: because they experienced their mother's moods so strongly, because I
7:14
Speaker 1: remember my mom would cry like that and it was
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Speaker 1: I internalized it as oh, I'm not good enough. Mom cried,
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Speaker 1: I couldn't make her happy, and who knows, she might
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Speaker 1: have had a little bit of depression or that just
7:32
Speaker 1: might be who she is. If I understood that it
7:38
Speaker 1: wasn't me, that it was her, it would have changed
7:42
Speaker 1: my whole childhood because that is what turned me into
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Speaker 1: a people pleaser. So how has reading this book with
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Speaker 1: your children, identifying your moods as a cloud and making
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Speaker 1: them understand it, how has that affected your child?
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Speaker 3: So I had depression and then I had kids, so
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Speaker 3: postpartum depression. I knew it was coming and it was
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Speaker 3: everything I was scared of it being. And it was
8:11
Speaker 3: very hard when I had my second because my daughter
8:15
Speaker 3: was aware of seeing me do everything to have him
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Speaker 3: cry and then just cry because I couldn't figure out,
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Speaker 3: you know, I cared so much and then you just
8:26
Speaker 3: keep crying and I couldn't identify that. And so actually
8:30
Speaker 3: that's where it started and I got my little cloud
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Speaker 3: pillow and I would be crying, and when she would
8:38
Speaker 3: think she did something wrong, I would just hold it
8:40
Speaker 3: and I would say, it's not you, it's this.
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Speaker 4: And so that is kind of where her resonating with
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Speaker 4: it was.
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Speaker 3: So if I was having a really hard day where
8:48
Speaker 3: we were going somewhere, it was something I can just
8:51
Speaker 3: put out and say, it's this, it's not you. My
8:54
Speaker 3: mom needs her space, I had said, you know, she
8:58
Speaker 3: identified her waking up and kind of having some night
9:02
Speaker 3: terrors as her tornado.
9:04
Speaker 4: And then she's been able to go further with that.
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Speaker 3: And when my daughter's having a bad day, she told me,
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Speaker 3: I'm not I don't have a cloud. Nice Alma's lost
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Speaker 3: in the woods, and can you help me find her?
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Speaker 3: And so it's been this way of saying it's not you,
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Speaker 3: it's something in me that has really helped me grow
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Speaker 3: her language and support her in kind of there are
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Speaker 3: those parenting frustrations like when she says nice Alma's gone,
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Speaker 3: I'm like, please bring her back, like mom needs a.
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Speaker 4: Minute, like go get her.
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Speaker 3: But it's that second to understand like, Okay, she said
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Speaker 3: she's lost in the woods, I can't ground her. I
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Speaker 3: can't be upset for what's going on right now. She
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Speaker 3: is having her own emotional moment, and so she's been
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Speaker 3: able to do that for me when I hold up
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Speaker 3: the cloud, and we've been able to learn what her
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Speaker 3: personified characters are.
10:01
Speaker 1: That is intriguing because I just did a video yesterday
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Speaker 1: about how meditation can help the child self regulate, and
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Speaker 1: the way I presented it is the mom's in the
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Speaker 1: grocery store, the kids starts throwing a tantrum, and nothing
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Speaker 1: mom does can make the child stop screaming, and all
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Speaker 1: she wants to do is get home and put the
10:27
Speaker 1: kid down for a nap.
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Speaker 2: And the reason I did that is.
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Speaker 1: Because my book Parkle Feathers and Princess Fancy the Magic
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Speaker 1: Library is an introduction to meditation. But here's a whole
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Speaker 1: different toolbox on how to deal with these strong emotions
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Speaker 1: with kids. And that's what I love about the Children's
10:49
Speaker 1: Book Arena, and I'm learning.
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Speaker 2: That so much.
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Speaker 1: We have a group of children's book authors that meet
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Speaker 1: every Friday afternoon three point thirty pm Eastern time, and
11:01
Speaker 1: we talk about ways to.
11:03
Speaker 2: Have a bigger impact with our books.
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Speaker 1: And that is what this conversation today is bringing to
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Speaker 1: my mind is that both of our books will help
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Speaker 1: parents in the same area of life in different ways.
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Speaker 1: And just like you open your toolbox to work on
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Speaker 1: your car, that metric ranch will not work on an
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Speaker 1: American sized bolt. Well, the meditation might be more advanced
11:37
Speaker 1: for your child, but holding up a cloud pillow might
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Speaker 1: be the language that they can understand. Now I can't
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Speaker 1: remember exactly, it's been a couple of weeks since I
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Speaker 1: read your book. Your husband just had some really colorful
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Speaker 1: language to help the kids understand when you, off the
12:01
Speaker 1: top of your head, come up with any other ideas
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Speaker 1: for parents on how to describe these emotions to the kids.
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Speaker 3: Know, I know in the book it was a lot
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Speaker 3: of puns, because that's what we do. And I did
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Speaker 3: ask him, I would like write down three different puns
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Speaker 3: and I'd be like, what one would you say?
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Speaker 4: One big piece too is I know?
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Speaker 3: And your book and then some of the other authors
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Speaker 3: I did meet on Friday. We are talking about very
12:30
Speaker 3: heavy topics but with a whimsy and so one thing
12:34
Speaker 3: why I decided to go kind of this self published
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Speaker 3: route is because when I was talking with traditional publishing,
12:41
Speaker 3: you know, the market right now is very we just
12:44
Speaker 3: want happy people doing happy things. And I was like,
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Speaker 3: I get that, but that also isn't the world right now.
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Speaker 3: And my daughter is four going on with the language
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Speaker 3: of like a thirteen year old. It drives me crazy
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Speaker 3: and amazes me at the same time. But it's because
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Speaker 3: I don't talk to her down and so we talk
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Speaker 3: about what's going on with everyone, and my husband does
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Speaker 3: say Mom needs a moment and it's okay to not
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Speaker 3: be okay, and we don't just say stop or cheer up.
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Speaker 3: We explain we need to do something different because this
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Speaker 3: is what's happening. And so by putting that language in
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Speaker 3: there with not hiding the reality from your kids, but
13:26
Speaker 3: just finding a fun way to say it. So when
13:29
Speaker 3: I'm writing the book, I wrote it with the intention
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Speaker 3: of being a read out loud book that says like
13:36
Speaker 3: dad nudges mom and says like it's okay, take your time,
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Speaker 3: and not just kind of hiding the kids away from
13:45
Speaker 3: that reality. And so what he has been able to
13:48
Speaker 3: say to me and be supportive for me in front
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Speaker 3: of them has helped them pick up that language. So
13:55
Speaker 3: then in the book, like Max checks on mom too
13:59
Speaker 3: because he sees Dad check on mom so Dad says,
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Speaker 3: what do you need us to do? And Max comes
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Speaker 3: up with an idea and says, should we wave it
14:06
Speaker 3: away with the shovel? And so it's kind of model
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Speaker 3: for your kids and just use kid appropriate language, but
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Speaker 3: don't hide the message.
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Speaker 1: That's interesting, kid appropriate language and the cloud and wave
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Speaker 1: it away with a shovel. That is just a real
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Speaker 1: little boy way of saying it.
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Speaker 2: I love that.
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Speaker 1: We talked about your big overarching mission and it's not
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Speaker 1: a mission of just selling books. Would you like to
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Speaker 1: talk about your bigger worldview on why you wrote this
14:48
Speaker 1: book and about your blog and your other resources. Yeah.
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Speaker 3: I mean every author wants to think they're going to
14:55
Speaker 3: be up there on the bestseller list. I'm realistic that
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Speaker 3: when you are big time bestseller, that would take away
15:02
Speaker 3: from you know, being with my.
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Speaker 4: Family right now.
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Speaker 3: I wrote the book because I couldn't find it, and
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Speaker 3: I don't want that to still be the reality in
15:12
Speaker 3: the world. And so I want a mom who is struggling,
15:17
Speaker 3: or a friend of a family who needs it, a
15:20
Speaker 3: friend of a friend to kind of have the ability
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Speaker 3: to search and say, you know, here's someone struggling with
15:28
Speaker 3: mental health. How do you talk to kids about it
15:30
Speaker 3: and then have my book pop up, and.
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Speaker 4: Whether they buy the book or whether they get it.
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Speaker 3: At the library, I want it to be redirected to
15:39
Speaker 3: the most important part that I see is I wrote
15:43
Speaker 3: the words and they are great, and I love my story.
15:45
Speaker 3: But the back of the book, I've secured some really
15:47
Speaker 3: good resources that have helped me have sunnier days, and
15:51
Speaker 3: so I have some therapy group links that are going
15:54
Speaker 3: to be in the back of the book.
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Speaker 4: I'm working with a local Merriment maker where she has
16:00
Speaker 4: thirty day challenges and how to find joy and be
16:03
Speaker 4: okay with being yourself and just you know, you matter,
16:08
Speaker 4: And so I want it to not only be a book,
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Speaker 4: but really be a resource out there where my Instagram,
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Speaker 4: I am posting some of the Merriment challenges and I
16:19
Speaker 4: am putting out there just honest blog posts about the
16:23
Speaker 4: struggles and what we go through because I don't think
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Speaker 4: we should go through it quietly, and I don't think
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Speaker 4: we should go through it alone.
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Speaker 3: It, you know, parenting, it takes a village, and I
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Speaker 3: think we should grow a village of people who are
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Speaker 3: okay saying I'm not okay, but that's okay.
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Speaker 1: I love that because covering it up, well it all.
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Speaker 1: It puts a big old cover on the the stigma
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Speaker 1: of it, but it doesn't remove the stigma by covering
16:57
Speaker 1: it up.
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Speaker 4: Exactly to remove.
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Speaker 2: That stigma is take that cover off and talk about it.
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Speaker 1: My mission is to very strong and confident kids today
17:10
Speaker 1: so we don't have to fix broken adults tomorrow.
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Speaker 2: I bet when you were.
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Speaker 1: A teenager you were told to cheer up, snap out
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Speaker 1: of it.
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Speaker 2: Light's good. Why don't you see it that way?
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Speaker 1: And I'm sure that had well I know you just
17:29
Speaker 1: told us it had lasting effects. You didn't think you
17:31
Speaker 1: could be a mother well, raising kids with the idea
17:37
Speaker 1: that having a cloudy day is okay and asking please
17:44
Speaker 1: give me space. If we could give kids those tools
17:49
Speaker 1: to say I just need a little space, leave me alone,
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Speaker 1: that they will snap out of it or lack of
18:01
Speaker 1: a better term, but they will feel their emotions, process
18:07
Speaker 1: their emotions, and move on, as opposed to the kid
18:11
Speaker 1: I was talking about earlier who had the meltdown in
18:14
Speaker 1: the grocery store because mom was just trying to pacify
18:19
Speaker 1: him rather than figure out what the route cause was.
18:24
Speaker 1: And I like that you are allowing your daughter to
18:29
Speaker 1: tell you her language on how she wants to convey
18:35
Speaker 1: these messages to you. Now, the question is does your
18:40
Speaker 1: son have his own language?
18:43
Speaker 3: Well right now too, so he is in his no face,
18:49
Speaker 3: so he's just pretty direct with no.
18:54
Speaker 4: Even when it's yes.
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Speaker 3: So he's not there yet, but we are working on it.
19:00
Speaker 3: But I know you and it was when we had
19:03
Speaker 3: first connected and I read your story. You had a
19:06
Speaker 3: great kind of piece in your bio about realizing a
19:11
Speaker 3: lot of the struggles you were experiencing now was from
19:14
Speaker 3: the past kind of cycle of everything and what we
19:16
Speaker 3: were told and thinking about that as you were just
19:20
Speaker 3: speaking it, you know, it made me think of there's
19:23
Speaker 3: Bene Brown's video sympathy versus empathy. And when people look
19:27
Speaker 3: at a cloud, they always want to see the silver
19:30
Speaker 3: lining of it, and so they do tell you like, oh, yes,
19:34
Speaker 3: you're struggling with your kids, but at least you can
19:36
Speaker 3: have them, But isn't there joy enough? And I'm like, yes,
19:40
Speaker 3: but I also want to process my emotions. So right now,
19:43
Speaker 3: I just want my cloud to be a cloud. I
19:45
Speaker 3: just wanted to be here. I want to acknowledge it
19:48
Speaker 3: and I don't need to see the silver lining of
19:50
Speaker 3: it because I know that's there. But storms happen, and
19:55
Speaker 3: we have days where we don't go outside because it's
19:58
Speaker 3: raining and storming, And I think it's that kind of reality,
20:01
Speaker 3: like I just need time, just like we take time
20:04
Speaker 3: when normal storm clouds come and then the next day
20:08
Speaker 3: we get to go jump in pedals. So when we
20:11
Speaker 3: rest and we process, we can have a better time
20:14
Speaker 3: after because we gave ourselves that safe space.
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Speaker 1: Yes, and when I was in the military, we weren't
20:23
Speaker 1: given that opportunity because everything we did was life or death.
20:27
Speaker 2: We didn't have.
20:28
Speaker 1: Time to let our emotions boil up, and I learned
20:32
Speaker 1: how to stuff. And then when it came time to
20:37
Speaker 1: retire and I was in my fifties moving on to sixty,
20:42
Speaker 1: it's like all of these emotions that I stuffed down
20:46
Speaker 1: for years and from childhood started bubbling up into illness.
20:53
Speaker 1: So taking time out for ourselves, but more importantly, teaching
20:58
Speaker 1: kids that it's okay to take time out for them.
21:02
Speaker 1: We have seen so many parents talk about how busy
21:07
Speaker 1: they are taking their kid from one lesson to another,
21:09
Speaker 1: to the tutor and school and extracurricular activities, and you
21:15
Speaker 1: look at the kid and they're just wiped out all
21:18
Speaker 1: the time. All they want to do is just go
21:21
Speaker 1: outside and play and be a kid or take a break,
21:26
Speaker 1: you know.
21:27
Speaker 3: And that's what we need to teach parents too, that
21:30
Speaker 3: it's a productivity right now is very valued and so
21:35
Speaker 3: you have to think that you have to produce, and
21:37
Speaker 3: moms and dads think that they have to be like
21:40
Speaker 3: cheery and on it all the time. And we need
21:43
Speaker 3: to step back and give the kids time to take
21:46
Speaker 3: their own time for their imagination and their creativity, and
21:49
Speaker 3: we don't need to entertain them all the time. And
21:52
Speaker 3: so part of the cloud conversation also came from when
21:56
Speaker 3: I was building my own mom group for my kids
21:59
Speaker 3: to have playing for was the ones who really stuck
22:01
Speaker 3: around are the ones who understood, like I can't be
22:04
Speaker 3: on all the time. Mental health doesn't allow that I
22:08
Speaker 3: love them all of the time. But I also need
22:11
Speaker 3: to have this part of myself. And so if it
22:14
Speaker 3: is holding up a cloud and saying I just need
22:16
Speaker 3: a minute, or even if it's just having an okay
22:19
Speaker 3: day and saying I still need a minute, it's not
22:21
Speaker 3: a bad day, I just need that time. It's that
22:24
Speaker 3: generation we want to work on and have that conversation together.
22:31
Speaker 1: That the self care, taking care of yourself. My generation,
22:39
Speaker 1: it was what can you do for everybody else? And
22:43
Speaker 1: then you came last. And I see, now we're moving
22:48
Speaker 1: toward take care of yourself and then give the rest
22:51
Speaker 1: of the world what spills over. And I think that
22:55
Speaker 1: is such a healthier way of doing it. If you
23:01
Speaker 1: didn't put up your cloud and say I need a moment,
23:05
Speaker 1: by the end of the day, you would be lashing
23:08
Speaker 1: out at your kids being frustrated. And that isn't a
23:13
Speaker 1: way to live either. It is so much healthier to
23:16
Speaker 1: take that minute and teach them that it's okay for
23:20
Speaker 1: them to have that unstructured time to be creative. I
23:25
Speaker 1: remember when I was a kid, we had this playroom
23:28
Speaker 1: and I occum hide myself for hours with three pieces
23:34
Speaker 1: of construction paper and a bottle of Elmer's glue.
23:39
Speaker 2: And I didn't.
23:40
Speaker 1: Need any of the Well, we didn't have those fancy
23:43
Speaker 1: games back then that weren't invented yet. But I found
23:48
Speaker 1: this stuff in our playroom and I played with it
23:53
Speaker 1: for hours because I was left to my own devices.
23:59
Speaker 1: And who knows, Oh, my mom may have been having
24:01
Speaker 1: a cloudy.
24:02
Speaker 2: Day that day.
24:05
Speaker 3: Well, you said the therapy a fun word when people pleasing.
24:08
Speaker 3: And it was a really big therapeutic journey for myself
24:12
Speaker 3: because people pleasing versus just I thought it was a
24:17
Speaker 3: really friendly person. It's like are you friendly or are
24:19
Speaker 3: you like nervous energy people pleasing everything, and so trying
24:22
Speaker 3: to take a step back with like mental health and
24:25
Speaker 3: self care from that and say, Okay.
24:27
Speaker 4: What do I need right now?
24:29
Speaker 3: I know I'll probably still be helpful and bubbly and
24:32
Speaker 3: smiling and extroverted, but what do I need right now?
24:35
Speaker 4: And that is very hard when you shift into parenting mode.
24:38
Speaker 3: And how to balance that and the journey of being
24:42
Speaker 3: able to say, like, I need a moment for me.
24:45
Speaker 4: And then again that's where.
24:46
Speaker 3: My husband comes in to be that kind of rock
24:50
Speaker 3: and support there.
24:51
Speaker 1: Well, yeah, I guess you can't leave a two year
24:53
Speaker 1: old to their own device. Yeah yeah, you need to
24:56
Speaker 1: wait a couple more years for them. Yeah. Talking about
24:59
Speaker 1: people pleasing and thinking well I just got.
25:02
Speaker 2: To get this done.
25:02
Speaker 1: I got to If I just stay at my desk
25:04
Speaker 1: for another hour, I could get it done. Or if
25:08
Speaker 1: I just play with the kids for another hour, then
25:13
Speaker 1: they'll love me more. Or if I get to the
25:17
Speaker 1: grocery store and get all the grocery shopping done, then
25:20
Speaker 1: we could.
25:21
Speaker 2: Come home and relax.
25:23
Speaker 1: What if you relax when you feel like you need
25:29
Speaker 1: to relax, and then go to the grocery store when
25:33
Speaker 1: you're calm and when you're feeling good, and then well
25:37
Speaker 1: maybe you won't have that little meltdown while you're going
25:40
Speaker 1: through the grocery store. And I've seen parents melt down
25:45
Speaker 1: right along with the kids had they taken that thirty minute,
25:50
Speaker 1: forty minute mental health break first rather than just try
25:55
Speaker 1: and get it done.
25:58
Speaker 4: And I'm big on reads now.
26:00
Speaker 3: I got into Instagram threads, but I think it's fantastic
26:03
Speaker 3: because there are a lot of supportive mom threads out
26:08
Speaker 3: there that say, you know, we're kind of trained to
26:11
Speaker 3: think we have to be the twenty four to seven mom,
26:14
Speaker 3: But think about what you look like for twenty four
26:17
Speaker 3: seven versus what refreshing person you look like when you're
26:22
Speaker 3: twenty seven. And so the version of yourself that thinks
26:28
Speaker 3: you can't walk away for ten minutes and you know
26:32
Speaker 3: a screen time, book time, however, you use it to
26:35
Speaker 3: just say, okay, you do this for yourself for the kids,
26:38
Speaker 3: and they get their ten minutes, and you walk away
26:41
Speaker 3: and come back. It is hard to do as a parent,
26:46
Speaker 3: But the version of you that walks away and comes
26:48
Speaker 3: back is very different than the version of you that
26:52
Speaker 3: stays in it the entire time, and you need to
26:56
Speaker 3: just experience it, like just walk out and come back,
26:59
Speaker 3: and that little deep breath or meditation moment that you
27:03
Speaker 3: take for yourself to just recenter is going to be
27:07
Speaker 3: the better version than staying in the chaotic mind of it.
27:13
Speaker 1: I was never a parent, but sometimes I consider I
27:18
Speaker 1: was a parent in a way because when I was
27:20
Speaker 1: in the military, I worked with a bunch of young boys.
27:26
Speaker 1: I was a squad leader in Iraq, and I had
27:29
Speaker 1: six young men who were my team, and six young
27:37
Speaker 1: men all had their own problems, whether it's they weren't
27:41
Speaker 1: getting paid right and they couldn't pay their bills, or
27:45
Speaker 1: one head and talk to mom in a long time
27:47
Speaker 1: and he just really needed to go to the phone
27:50
Speaker 1: center and talk to his mom, or occasionally there is
27:54
Speaker 1: a little argument between two of the men, and sometimes
28:02
Speaker 1: I had to take a step back and say, you
28:06
Speaker 1: guys just need a chill. I'd go take a walk
28:11
Speaker 1: or just go off on my own and then come
28:14
Speaker 1: back with the fresh mind and able to ask the
28:18
Speaker 1: right questions to figure out what was really going on
28:22
Speaker 1: to solve a problem. So I imagine, you know, these
28:27
Speaker 1: were teens to early twenties year old boys, but I
28:32
Speaker 1: imagine with children it's kind of the same way. You
28:35
Speaker 1: can't just go in and start disciplining as a mom.
28:39
Speaker 1: You have to figure out what the problem is. Like
28:42
Speaker 1: your daughter said she's lost in the woods, and I
28:46
Speaker 1: love that you said, well, I can't give her a
28:48
Speaker 1: time out because there's something else going on. So do
28:53
Speaker 1: you have any other suggestions for parents, since I've only
29:00
Speaker 1: dealt with young adults.
29:02
Speaker 3: R Something I learned in the like New Monassory parenting
29:09
Speaker 3: is kind of changing the mood of the situation. We
29:13
Speaker 3: are very lucky. We have a like a circle house,
29:16
Speaker 3: and so when I feel my daughter and I bubbling up,
29:20
Speaker 3: I tell her let's take a walk and we'll do
29:22
Speaker 3: a circle. But I try and change how she's feeling.
29:25
Speaker 3: So if she's really grumpy, I tell her like, you're grumpy, almah,
29:29
Speaker 3: right now, do a circle and come back as like
29:30
Speaker 3: dog almah.
29:32
Speaker 4: And she gets so mad she's like, I don't want it.
29:34
Speaker 3: I was like, fine, I will, and I do a
29:36
Speaker 3: circle and I come back, and I like act like
29:38
Speaker 3: a dog, and just that minute to like shift a
29:41
Speaker 3: kid from where they are to where they're going to
29:43
Speaker 3: be helps And so that's something we use a lot.
29:46
Speaker 3: And if we're out, I'll tell her, like do a
29:49
Speaker 3: lap around that tree and come back when you're not yelling.
29:51
Speaker 3: But we kind of say different characters and things to
29:54
Speaker 3: give her something else to focus on. And so I've
29:58
Speaker 3: learned that, like at bedtime, there's the candle trick. So
30:01
Speaker 3: when she's huffing and puffing, I say, fine, huff and
30:04
Speaker 3: puff and blow the candles out. Well, you start doing
30:06
Speaker 3: that and then you put a candle back up, like
30:08
Speaker 3: a trick candle, and it shifts them to like play
30:11
Speaker 3: mode instead of the current stress mode. And there are
30:16
Speaker 3: like montssory tips like that where you just research like
30:20
Speaker 3: shifting the mood with humor or telling them a joke.
30:24
Speaker 3: Sometimes she'll be screaming, and instead of screaming back while
30:28
Speaker 3: I will scream back, but I'll scream back and I
30:30
Speaker 3: love you, And it like takes her a second to
30:33
Speaker 3: hear that I didn't tell her to sit down or
30:35
Speaker 3: go to her room.
30:36
Speaker 4: I was like yelling positive things.
30:38
Speaker 3: So it also teaches her that you can yell all
30:42
Speaker 3: you want, but we can also yell fun things.
30:44
Speaker 4: We don't have to just like angry yell.
30:45
Speaker 3: And so it's that mindset to try and know that
30:50
Speaker 3: they don't have the full capacity for like their emotion
30:54
Speaker 3: and explaining it with words, but you do. And what
30:57
Speaker 3: else would you rather be doing at that time? Would
30:59
Speaker 3: you rather be fighting with her and kind of win
31:02
Speaker 3: because you're never gonna win with a toddler, or would
31:04
Speaker 3: you just rather shift into joking and games.
31:07
Speaker 4: So then just do it and sometimes like it's fun
31:12
Speaker 4: in that sense.
31:13
Speaker 3: And I am proud of myself because sometimes I will
31:16
Speaker 3: catch myself and I'll yell and I'm like, oh mah,
31:19
Speaker 3: and I know I'm about to lose it, and she'll
31:20
Speaker 3: go what And I was like, I love you, That's
31:23
Speaker 3: not what I started yelling. But you had to like
31:26
Speaker 3: take that second to be like quick change, and it
31:29
Speaker 3: took kind of moments because we're not perfect, but that
31:34
Speaker 3: kind of you can lose yourself really quickly. And if
31:38
Speaker 3: it all fails and you lose it, just please turn
31:41
Speaker 3: around and apologize and have the conversation with your kid,
31:44
Speaker 3: because I've done that too, Like I've lost it on her,
31:47
Speaker 3: and I've turned around and.
31:48
Speaker 4: Said, wow, that was not normal mommy.
31:51
Speaker 3: That was angry mommy, right, and she goes yeah, And
31:53
Speaker 3: I was like, I don't like angry mommy, but you
31:55
Speaker 3: did this and it scared me.
31:57
Speaker 4: You weren't supposed to stand on that, and I had to,
32:00
Speaker 4: and I was like, what can we do? So I
32:01
Speaker 4: don't have to do that?
32:02
Speaker 3: And they need to see you apologize so they don't
32:08
Speaker 3: start getting that perception that they have to be perfect either,
32:11
Speaker 3: And it doesn't put that kind of cycle that we had,
32:14
Speaker 3: like be a different version of yourself.
32:16
Speaker 4: No, just have your flaws. Let's just talk it out.
32:19
Speaker 1: What I liked, I really liked one thing you said there.
32:24
Speaker 1: You asked a question, what can we do about it?
32:28
Speaker 1: You didn't just say this is what we're going to
32:30
Speaker 1: do to fix it. You said what can we do?
32:33
Speaker 1: Making it more of a team effort.
32:38
Speaker 4: And I think that comes with a lot of monassory stuff.
32:40
Speaker 3: So I'm not taking credit, but like the no saying
32:43
Speaker 3: no to your child or no saying stop it, they
32:45
Speaker 3: don't always understand why we're doing that, And that was
32:48
Speaker 3: where the cloud came from. She doesn't understand why I'm crying.
32:51
Speaker 3: I can't stop doing it, but I just need to
32:53
Speaker 3: talk it through with her. So instead of saying no,
32:56
Speaker 3: don't climb on that, we tell her like, you can climb,
32:58
Speaker 3: but it's going to be dangerous and if you fall,
33:00
Speaker 3: you might get hurt.
33:01
Speaker 4: So what can we do differently?
33:03
Speaker 3: And so that's kind of where I see the cloud
33:06
Speaker 3: and the series I'm working on is putting the cloud
33:11
Speaker 3: in normal, everyday locations and just saying, how can we
33:15
Speaker 3: work through this together and with the cloud. You know,
33:17
Speaker 3: I hope to have the cloud in different locations. And
33:22
Speaker 3: I have a really fantastic illustrator who I want to
33:24
Speaker 3: keep working with. So we talked about doing other emotions,
33:27
Speaker 3: which is like anxiety if all this tornado makes an appearance.
33:32
Speaker 3: And so it's just saying, let's just keep having the
33:35
Speaker 3: conversation because we're not going to get rid of emotions.
33:39
Speaker 3: We're not going to you know, fix ourselves. We don't
33:41
Speaker 3: need to fix ourselves from therapy. We just need to
33:44
Speaker 3: learn how to process ourselves right.
33:47
Speaker 1: Because all emotions are it's our body's way of telling
33:51
Speaker 1: us that something's off balance. We need our emotions to
33:56
Speaker 1: tell us. It's a survival mechanism. If you didn't have
34:00
Speaker 1: that fear back, you know, caveman days, you can just
34:07
Speaker 1: go and try to pet the nice kitty and the
34:09
Speaker 1: fiber tooth tiger eat you up. That fear is a
34:14
Speaker 1: really good survival emotion. But it's when we attach that
34:21
Speaker 1: fear to things that aren't life threatening. And that's where
34:27
Speaker 1: I'd like what you said, standing on that chair is
34:31
Speaker 1: dangerous and you could hurt yourself. What can we do
34:33
Speaker 1: about that? Or well, that's not dangerous, So take a
34:40
Speaker 1: lap around the tree and let's find a common way
34:44
Speaker 1: of doing this. Rather than saying no, you're wrong for
34:47
Speaker 1: what you're doing, and say that you're wrong, let's talk
34:51
Speaker 1: about it for the things that are going to hurt them.
34:55
Speaker 3: What you said it is beautiful because it's actually what
34:57
Speaker 3: has been a very interesting experience when I put my
35:02
Speaker 3: book pre Orders out, Like my close family and friends
35:06
Speaker 3: have known, I dealt with depression, But when I put
35:08
Speaker 3: it out there, a lot of people were like, I
35:11
Speaker 3: had no idea you were dealing.
35:12
Speaker 4: With that, because it doesn't look the same to everyone.
35:15
Speaker 3: My depression is not that I'm staying inside under the
35:18
Speaker 3: blanket sad. It is an extroverted I get very anxious
35:23
Speaker 3: and nervous with myself. I overplan, I overextend myself. I'm
35:26
Speaker 3: a people pleaser. I will go places and I'll just
35:29
Speaker 3: experience them differently.
35:31
Speaker 4: And so it's been able to.
35:33
Speaker 3: Teach my mental health has been that fear instinct teaching
35:40
Speaker 3: me not to pet the kiddie. So it has made
35:42
Speaker 3: me a planner, It's made me a people person. It's
35:45
Speaker 3: made me extroverted because that was me masking stuff. And
35:50
Speaker 3: I don't want to say that it is overly a
35:54
Speaker 3: negative thing.
35:56
Speaker 4: It is not all of me.
35:58
Speaker 3: It is something that made me who I am, and
36:00
Speaker 3: through years of therapy of learned to like live with that.
36:04
Speaker 3: And there was one great piece and again it came
36:06
Speaker 3: from Cloud. So I'm always like excited when I the
36:09
Speaker 3: author Matt Haig wrote like you are not the rain.
36:13
Speaker 3: You experienced the rain, And so that was the piece
36:16
Speaker 3: of like you aren't the fear. You're experiencing it, and
36:19
Speaker 3: what are you getting out of it and learning from it?
36:22
Speaker 3: You're learning not to go pet the cat, You're learning
36:27
Speaker 3: to alter your life in this way and have these
36:29
Speaker 3: conversations with your children and make your family unit look
36:33
Speaker 3: like this. And so I think that is my push
36:35
Speaker 3: with like please talk about mental health because we don't
36:39
Speaker 3: want to think that it's this overly negative thing, because
36:43
Speaker 3: look what can come from it can be the like
36:45
Speaker 3: sunny day after the cloud.
36:48
Speaker 2: Right.
36:49
Speaker 1: I think that's the key right there, is talking about
36:53
Speaker 1: mental health rather than mental unhealthm the mental illness. And
37:01
Speaker 1: if we concentrate more on the mental health as a
37:05
Speaker 1: preventative medicine, then we won't need to fix the problem
37:11
Speaker 1: as much in the future because we will have prevented it.
37:18
Speaker 3: And you said it with the car analogy before, like
37:20
Speaker 3: we don't I go to my therapist more than I
37:24
Speaker 3: go to my doctor to check on my body, because
37:26
Speaker 3: I do put my mental health before my physical health
37:30
Speaker 3: most of the time.
37:31
Speaker 4: But it's kind of making that regular for everyone.
37:35
Speaker 3: You cannot get some people to go to therapy, you
37:37
Speaker 3: can't get them to have the conversation about it. But
37:40
Speaker 3: if I was talking cars and I said your car
37:43
Speaker 3: is having a bad day, something's going on with your car,
37:46
Speaker 3: they would go check it immediately.
37:48
Speaker 4: But people don't do that for themselves.
37:50
Speaker 3: And that was the piece of why I think the
37:53
Speaker 3: book should exist, because it doesn't because we don't want
37:56
Speaker 3: to say to people we're struggling with stuff, but we
37:58
Speaker 3: can say we're struggling stuff. And at the end of
38:01
Speaker 3: the book, the spoiler alert is they all enjoy the beach.
38:05
Speaker 3: So it didn't ruin the beach. We didn't have to
38:08
Speaker 3: go home because Mom had a cloud.
38:10
Speaker 4: We didn't.
38:10
Speaker 3: It didn't mean Mom didn't want to be there, didn't
38:12
Speaker 3: mean Mom's gonna sit in the car the whole time.
38:14
Speaker 3: And just said Mom's gonna come and it's going to
38:16
Speaker 3: be different for her than it is for you, and
38:19
Speaker 3: that's okay.
38:21
Speaker 2: I think that is perfect way to end