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What is Communal Narcissism? · RiseUp - Live Joy Your Way

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Today's episode is produced by my friends at Walk West.
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  SPEAKER_01: If you're looking to grow your brand and generate leads through podcast or video production, head over to walkwest.com.
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  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's start the show.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
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  SPEAKER_00: From emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified Life and Wellness Coach Comedy Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit.
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  SPEAKER_00: Through these small bites of self-visation and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Rise up, live joy your way.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: Hi there and welcome to another episode of Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: Just wanted to say thank you for taking some time out of your day to spend here with me.
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  SPEAKER_01: And today's topic is a little different.
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  SPEAKER_01: We're going to be talking about communal narcissism and how to deal with it.
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  SPEAKER_01: So one of the things that um ends up coming up in a lot of the conversations that I have with my clients is about toxic relationships.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_01: And one of the things that recently has come up is this concept of communal narcissism.
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  SPEAKER_01: Many of us know somebody who wants to lend a hand or always seems to be super kind and friendly and accommodating, and they seem like the best friends that you could ever ask for, or put the groups or communities' needs ahead of their own.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: However, there's always something in your own gut that kind of says, hmm, something's not quite right here.
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  SPEAKER_01: And it could be because your gut is telling you you're dealing with a communal narcissist.
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  SPEAKER_01: So let's just start at the beginning.
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  SPEAKER_01: Communal narcissism is characterized by an excessive preoccupation with presenting oneself as exceptionally compassionate, caring, and honest.
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  SPEAKER_01: And communal narcissists seek admiration and validation from others within their community or group by portraying themselves as selflessly devoted to the group's well-being.
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  SPEAKER_01: They end up projecting this image of empathy and kindness and selflessness and morality.
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  SPEAKER_01: And you'll hear a lot about their generosity and their service.
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  SPEAKER_01: You will often find them in positions of power within our communities or groups because they do present themselves as this democratic, trustworthy leader.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: And so with communal narcissisms, while some communal narcissists exhibit those typical narcissistic characteristics that we've talked about many times before, it's not always the case with communal narcissists where you'll pick up on it immediately.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: Because they they come across as very selfless and they're and they come across as being very devoted to the well-being of the community.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not saying that everybody who is devoted to the well-being of their community and puts themselves out there is definitely a communal narcissist.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not saying that at all.
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  SPEAKER_01: It's just that when certain individuals do this, but then at their core, it's coming from a very self-centered, exaggerated sense of self-importance and entitlement, that's what we mean by communal narcissism.
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  SPEAKER_01: What we can, what we notice about those individuals is while on one hand they can be very selfless and devoted, on the other hand, they can become aggressive and cruel.
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  SPEAKER_01: So this relationship actually does end up becoming toxic with an abusive part of it as well.
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  SPEAKER_01: So while other types of narcissism are generally characterized by an inflated sense of self or just self-grandiosity and self-importance, communal narcissists are actually, they're exaggerated through this sense of superiority that's actually tied to a group setting.
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  SPEAKER_01: So their humility and sacrifice and deeds serve only under overall serve this importance of being giving them that admiration and validation that they need, but it's through the sense of the of the group.
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  SPEAKER_01: Communal narcissists will lash out at the same people they claim to be helping if they don't get the praise and admiration and validation that they expect.
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  SPEAKER_01: So that's the distinction between somebody who truly is doing something because they're selfless and care about a situation versus a communal narcissist is really doing it for their own validation out of it.
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  SPEAKER_01: So an example of a spiritual narcissist is somebody who believes that their religious group is superior to others and uses faith and spirituality maybe to manipulate others in order to gain that narcissistic supply.
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  SPEAKER_01: A narcissistic parent might spend their entire life putting others ahead of themselves in order to get validation for their greatness.
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  SPEAKER_01: Not because they're doing it for the benefit of their child or somebody else, but it's because they want to, they want the admiration of being this great parent.
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  SPEAKER_01: Um another example uh is in a in a work environment, a person, for instance, a toxic coworker, a person in your office who gives off this impression that they're being that they are extraordinarily devoted and hardworking and wanting the group to succeed, but maybe they start taking credit for other people's accomplishments.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_01: Or they'll keep track that of everything that they've ever done for you and then expect you to repay them somehow in some way.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: So it can be really tricky to spot them because again, they come across as very friendly and caring people, but some of the behaviors that you can somewhat keep an out an eye out for are um, for instance, if they seem very preoccupied with charitable works and those charities align with their values and beliefs, but then they seek leadership roles in them, but then the leadership roles turn into a way for them to manipulate other people.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um, or for instance, if they make a point of showing how much they're doing to um and how much they're sacrificing for other people, uh, because what happens is that they are wanting to come.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's not again, I don't say that that each one of these individuals is necessarily doing this overtly, but it does seem like they're coming across as a martyr.
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  SPEAKER_01: Uh, they might make a big show out of their contributions.
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  SPEAKER_01: So when a communal narcissist does something for a community, for instance, they want to ensure that you don't forget it.
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  SPEAKER_01: They want to constantly remind you of their generosity and sacrifice.
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  SPEAKER_01: Instead of just doing it and then internally feeling proud of what they've been able to give the group, they want you to recognize them.
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  SPEAKER_01: Not just you, but other people to recognize them.
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  SPEAKER_01: And they really are obsessed with having that credit.
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  SPEAKER_01: They want people to um recognize that they were the ones who sacrificed, they were the ones who gave because they constantly need that reassurance that they are superior.
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  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes it leads them to taking credit for other people's uh accomplishments, which is what we're talking about in the workplace, for instance.
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  SPEAKER_01: So, how do you how do you behave or how do narcissists behave?
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  SPEAKER_01: Well, again, at the beginning of the relationship, you may not even know and recognize it, but usually their generosity and kindness will start to show up in a manipulative way.
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  SPEAKER_01: Um, and you'll start to notice that they're overly concerned about how others perceive them, and they might be overly concerned with getting acknowledgement for what they have done for the group.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: And the way that we deal with these individuals is somewhat similar to other ways that we have to deal with toxic relationships.
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  SPEAKER_01: And the very first one is to set boundaries, not necessarily physical boundaries, but emotional boundaries.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's important to allow yourself to recognize what you're willing to take and what you're not, and not allowing those boundaries to be violated.
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  SPEAKER_01: It's important to practice self-care, know what you need, and being able to communicate that as well as honor those needs for yourself.
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  SPEAKER_01: And so maybe that includes keeping your interactions to a minimum.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe what you find yourself doing is restricting your interaction with this individual and keeping in mind their facade.
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  SPEAKER_01: You know, don't be swayed by certain things.
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  SPEAKER_01: Allow yourself to um allow yourself to be true to what you know is true.
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  SPEAKER_01: And what I mean by that is so often when dealing with these toxic relationships, it's so easy to get stuck in a pattern of gaslighting yourself.
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  SPEAKER_01: So even with communal narcissists, you may be inclined to believe and to go into the good of that person and really wanting to believe that they are truly doing it for the benefit of the whole community.
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  SPEAKER_01: And it's not to say that every time that somebody, again, I need to be very clear, it's not to say that every time somebody does give to a community that they are they're they're actually a communal narcissist, it's to just pay attention to when somebody gives, are they really truly expecting acknowledgement?
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  SPEAKER_01: And if they don't get that acknowledgement, how do they behave?
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, and just paying attention to that because it's important for you to know what's healthy for you and what relationships feed your well-being and which ones don't.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: If you're dealing with something like this in your life, you're just wanting to work through some of those relationships that you might have and really work on things like boundaries and understanding what it is that you need uh in a relationship, and you're recognizing that maybe some of that is holding you back in your life, and want to talk about how coaching could be a support for that.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Feel free to book a time with me at any time at coachwithcomedy.com.
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  SPEAKER_01: And until next time, stay well.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening to Rise Up, Live Joy Your Way.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: For more information, book a chat with comedy at www.chatwithcomedy.com or visit her website at www.comedywood.com.
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  SPEAKER_00: You can also find comedy on Facebook or Instagram.
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  SPEAKER_00: Username it's authentic me.
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  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for listening.