Latest / Spacious Success / 04 | Maggie Dent - The Mother Load: Why Mums Deserve to Exhale | 05 March 2026

Transcript

04 | Maggie Dent - The Mother Load: Why Mums Deserve to Exhale | 05 March 2026 · Spacious Success

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Hi, I'm Dr. Christie Goodwin, a neuroperformance scientist, speaker and executive coach who
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learned the hard way the chasing success can come at a cost.
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After burnout landed me in hospital, I made it my mission to help ambitious women who
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are done training their health and happiness for high performance.
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On spacious success, I share science-backed strategies and real stories to help you flourish
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as a female at work and beyond so you can stop paying the success tax.
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Before we dive in to this week's episode of spacious success, I want to start by sharing
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something that I don't think I've ever said on public record.
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I've certainly said it to friends, to family members, but I think we need to remember
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that women need wise women in their lives.
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We really, really do.
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Women need mentors, we need friends, we need steady hands, we need big hearts to guide us,
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not just in business, but in life.
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And for me, I'm going to get Terry, Maggie has been that and so much more.
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Maggie has worked before beside me through some of life's most challenging chapters, parenting
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conundrums that have left me in tears or maybe just scratching my head, a miscarriage
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that cracked me wide open, my husband's cancer diagnosis, and a legal battle that left
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my business teetering.
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Throughout all of this, Maggie offered guidance in the mess, a language for strange things
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I couldn't articulate or name, a sense of perspective and that was one of the biggest
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things when the world felt shaky, Maggie was that calm sense of presence.
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Joyce had a good laugh, a funny meme or a photo to make me laugh, usually of her wearing
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the wrong shoes, mismatching shoes at the airport or on stage.
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And in the truest sense of the phrase, Maggie has lifted me up as she rose because that's
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what rising tides do.
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So I want this episode to be the reminder for you to seek out mentors, seek out friends,
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seek out wise women in your life, and I also want to remind you to reciprocate.
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When you have an opportunity and you have the capacity, please try to reciprocate to
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lift others too.
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So this episode isn't just for mothers tuning in, but it's for the women that are holding
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it all, feeling like it's too much.
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The careers, the children, grief, growth and asking, is there a better way to do it?
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I promise that there won't be any more tears, maybe I can't promise that, but welcome
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to the show.
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Maggie Bet.
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Yeah.
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And you know, this is, this is something that I've been passionate about for years.
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And it's really, you know, because I've been around for so long.
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And one of the most beautiful gifts I get today is running into people who say, oh look,
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I stumbled upon you when my kids were three and four and you just gave me that sense
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that none of this is easy and it's okay and not to be perfect.
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But not only that, every now and then I've shared something you've said, which in our
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group has then made that, so it's like this dropping that little pebble that can spread
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that you don't read, you know, understand.
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And when I was, you know, a lady in the Vancouver Aquarium last April reached out and called
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up, Maggie Damien changed my life, I used to hate little shits and now I love them.
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So so much of my work is based in traditional cultures of how they've raised children and
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families.
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And you're exactly right in my, I've come up with a book when I wrote about nine things,
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I wrote that everyone needs a wise Wilmer because in traditional cultures, there's always
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a wise woman.
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But that wise woman doesn't come in and tell you what you're doing wrong.
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The wise woman sits there with grace, makes you a cup of tea.
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But if you come and ask her, she's going to give you some wisdom that when you walk away,
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you will feel better, not worse.
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And she will reassure you so much.
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And that's exactly when I noticed that was exactly what was happening.
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I wanted to be that voice and what's now beautiful, it's not just for mum, so I have
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dads who stop me now and say, Maggie, can I have a hug and a selfie, my wife's going to
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lose her shit?
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I've caught up with you.
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So I think that was, that is the greatest kind of honor to be able, we absolutely need
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some of the basics from back then.
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But also when you explore that to today, you will understand why things have become so
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incredibly challenging, mainly for our mums.
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They have.
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And thank you.
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I said we weren't going to cry, but I'm already crying again.
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So I want to start by a little story.
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You know my husband, Nick, an awesome, great man, but the other night we went to bed,
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he fell asleep within two minutes, I lay there wide awake, and the mental checklist.
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Had I paid for the end of year class contribution for the class gifts?
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Had I set up the direct debate for the electricity bill?
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Had I replied to the 18 WhatsApp messages that I was going to tree out that night?
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Then his snoring got louder, I got more agitated.
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And then I started thinking I really regret a joke that I shared in a keynote a couple
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of years ago.
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Oh my goodness, I haven't made the kids dentist appointment that got cancelled.
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And I hear this from a lot of women.
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We talk about the mental load, the kin keeping roles that women often fulfill.
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We know there's hormonal reasons for this.
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Can you explain why I was doing this and why so many other women lay there in
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similar situations at night?
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The very first thing is that Nick is a male brain, which is a single focus.
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So he's just gone into the go to sleep, box and go to sleep.
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Because if we go back to traditional cultures, what was their job?
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Their job really was to protect and defend all of us who were more vulnerable.
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So if they didn't have a mammoth to kill, it was a deer for dinner.
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If they didn't need those, they'd practice killing so they're really good at it.
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And then when they came home, they went to sleep.
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No, it's just literally single focus.
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So we, right back in those days, women did everything else.
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Not only did they have to keep looking after everything from babies to the elderly,
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and that's not just in the safe environment.
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Remember, there were no schools to send them off to for six hours a day,
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which is also really important because the kids just played in with feral,
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which is where they learnt how to fall out of trees and how sometimes older kids
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need to look after you know, it's just the basics of mother nature.
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But also, they had to make sure they got the smaller protein,
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or they had to find the veggies and the stuff that made diets better.
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They were doing the skins.
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They were making the medicines, that not only that,
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they had to check the environment was still going to be safe
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as we went into a different season.
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And I've spoken to some young older women from Northern Territory.
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And they said to me that whole on guard is exactly what keeps us kept
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those civilizations alive.
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And also she said that we kept bloodlines pure for 55,000 years
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without ever writing it down.
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So you can see the importance of that incredible memory
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that's linkeding to certain signs that are happening around
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while everything is also happening.
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So what happens is we have still got these biological wiring's happening.
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And our number one is to keep the species alive,
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which means keep your kids alive.
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So that's why if anything, we've sold the wrong story around children
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that they're way more vulnerable and you've got to absolutely keep your
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animal the time where they're going to die.
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We're an actual fact that lack of authentic play outside
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has impacted how resilient our kids are as well.
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And that was before the digital landscape arrived as well,
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which made parents feel safer, which is one of the biggest ironies of all of it.
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So going forward, what happens when we lay down
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and there's another layer to it too, and that's the compared despair.
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We are wired as women to constantly want to self-improve.
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We want to be better than yesterday.
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And this is not what happens for most miles.
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Those are just going to sleep.
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And so you can understand that our very worst enemy,
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and it's really sad, you know, I ran women's retreats for 15 years
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before I moved over here, is our worst enemy is our self.
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There's also a biological drive in that that we're in competition with other women
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in order to snuffle the best mammoth hunter,
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which is why early, you know, in puberty we start looking at other girls going,
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oh my god, how am I going to compete with that?
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It's an unconscious one, okay?
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And so that adds to it as well is that, you know, it's a really interesting thing.
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You know, I talk a little bit about how a lot of women, not all women,
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will tend to give a very report to their man when they get home at the end of a busy day,
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because he's been out hunting mammoths or something, right?
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Or whatever.
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And we come in and we have this random chat like,
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oh my god, have you seen how much lamb chops are now?
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I cannot believe how can lamb chops be so much when normal mince isn't that much?
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Like, far out is just, oh my goodness, I ran into your mate from golf
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and he said you're going to start half an hour earlier.
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You should have seen this decade in the car part,
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absolutely nearly ran into the back of me.
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I cannot believe you won't believe what's going on on Saturday.
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Well, we don't even know if they can play because there's too much mud.
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And the poor guys sitting there going, okay, so what have I got to fix?
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What have I got to kill? What have I got to write?
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And that's just the start of it.
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And I do have this message for dads is that when you're a beautiful woman
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who may be the mother of your children stops giving you a berry report, be worried, right?
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Because it is a way that we're trying to keep a connection happening, okay?
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So there's one more layer to the reasons of all these things.
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Estrogen is a bonding neurochemical, right?
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And we are wired.
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And this is why the girl dramas, you know, when friendships work, it's great.
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When they don't, it really sucks.
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Is because we are wired if there's ever a threat to gather together with other women, right?
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And so that's kind of why we try desperately in all the wads have groups.
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So, you know, stay connected, which is why so often moms tell me,
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not only am I, I'm trying to go to sleep, Maggie, I've thought,
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oh man, I didn't reply to that.
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No one replied to that one on the WhatsApp school group.
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And I meant to do that.
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So in actual fact, you have an incomplete task on your to-do list.
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And also, you know that she was seeking an answer and no one heard.
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Not being seen and not being heard as a woman
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can be really impacting our mental health.
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So when we put that on top and the other layer,
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is true, it means we care for everyone else.
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And sometimes we don't care for ourselves.
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Because we're now telling, they did in the past.
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Did you know, even in traditional Native American tribes,
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when you menstruated, you went to a moon lodge for as many days as you were bleeding
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and everyone else looked after your kids?
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How good.
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They can see how we've shifted from honouring self-knowledge
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a part of us to that being almost a sign of weakness
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and that the martyr then turns up that says,
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I want to rescue everyone.
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So I talk about the burnt chop syndrome,
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which is how often do moms serving up the food take the lousy as bit?
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What are we modelling for our kids about women's worth and value,
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especially to our daughters?
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So again, it's been a shift gradually.
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And then that is exactly the night checklist.
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And you do know that I'm the horrible person who made...
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Kate Richie Cry.
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This is the mental load we carry for the people we love.
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Sorry, Kate, to do that.
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Can I show this slight difference between moms and dads
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like when you go to bed at night?
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Because the singular focus of most males
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means I'm going to go to bed to go to sleep
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when you go to bed and you go to sleep.
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So the mum comes to bed to go to sleep.
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But we're biologically wired to make sure
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that we're caring really well because of estrogen.
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So we'll go through every decision we made during the day
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from breakfast right through.
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Not only that, well, my god,
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they didn't need enough broccoli.
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Do they have enough of that in the lunchbox?
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And then we... It's a female thing.
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And then we second gas and we beat ourselves up.
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And then we suddenly, we're wondering if they'll get into university
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and then we've gone back and regret something we did at our 21st.
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And then we've come forward to the kids again
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comparing to somebody else.
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Then we've gone, oh my god, my eyebrows.
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I'll need to put that in.
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There's a load of washing in.
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Am I... Have I got it, Kate?
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Right, and about one o'clock in the morning.
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That's a big emotion.
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Yeah, but it was an interesting shift around that
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because when I explained that mental load,
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oh, you forgot to mention that you're planning
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the next book costume.
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Book weight costume.
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Oh, we're going to get to that next week.
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Yeah, good.
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So at least don't worry.
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Don't worry, it's on the list.
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So glad because I cannot believe how that's turned
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into an Olympic sport.
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And what was interesting is the tube...
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And I love their two guys.
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It's a, and we're a gorgeous man.
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You know, they ask me lots of parenting stuff when I go in.
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Kind of laugh because I felt uncomfortable.
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I didn't actually have a clue what we were talking about.
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And then we started getting messages from really loving dad saying,
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well, what do you tell me?
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How can I help?
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So it's...
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It's all at that date.
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That's, yeah.
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And I loved what you described with the biological drivers.
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I think women feel guilty for feeling like this,
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but we know you described it perfectly.
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Estrogen is the hormone of servitude and accommodation.
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We are biologically wired to fulfill kingkeeping roles.
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And as you so wisely suggested,
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that has become intensified in the digital load.
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We now know and there's numerous studies
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that are corroborating what many of us feel.
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And that is that women are absorbing far more of the,
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they're calling it the double digital burden.
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We're the ones added to the WhatsApp groups.
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We're the ones that getting the class communications route.
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And so that has, you know, amplified the problem even more.
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No question.
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So I, I want to address the dreaded bookweight costume.
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So I have three sons ranging in age from 15 down to six.
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And I will admit...
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Oh my gosh, I got that girl.
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Yep.
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15 and 12 year olds really could...
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Ked much about week and neither could I.
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I'm not a crafting mum.
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They were happy to raid the dress up box
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and find something and repurpose it into a book character.
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That was great.
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But our youngest son who seeks really has exemplified
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how the intensity of parenting has changed in recent years.
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Book Week is a mammoth operation.
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Now, I'm going to acknowledge something
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that's really embarrassing here.
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As I just said, I can't craft to save me.
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So when Agedon showed me a screenshot
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of a paper mache costume that he wanted us to co-create together,
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I combusted on the inside.
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I smiled politely and I said,
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oh, let's see if we can give it a go.
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Send a few screenshots to friends and said,
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has anyone seen one of these costumes online?
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I trolled.
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I went to all the shops where you could buy pre-made costumes.
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They were non-available and he had his heart set on this.
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Low and behold, one Tuesday afternoon.
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I was scrolling through Facebook
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and in a Facebook Mums group, there was a sale
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for a pre-made paper mache book week costume
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of the exact character that...
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And I quickly went in and said to her,
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this is where it gets embarrassing.
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I will pay above what you have asked.
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Please, can I have this?
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She wrote back to me and said,
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I'm so sorry,
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somebody's already taken it.
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I wrote back DM to her in desperation and said,
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I will pay double.
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What this person had offered if I can have it
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and I will bring cash and have it collected tomorrow.
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She declined.
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And then the beautiful woman sent me
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step-by-step instructions and photos
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of how she basically spent five hours making it.
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Now, I will share on the video if you're watching this.
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A video, a photo that I just sent to Maggie.
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And it contrasts a typical book week costume in the 80s,
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which is basically a vicaria bitter.
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So for international listeners,
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a popular Australian beer,
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a box that has basically had the head and arms cut out of it
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and popped over the child's head
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compared to the 2025 costume that my son was expecting.
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Why has parenting?
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Why particularly has motherhood intensified?
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And are you seeing this?
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Am I just imagining it?
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No, no.
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And it's that once again, one of the things that happened
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that has also made it worse.
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So when I was in the 80s,
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it was pretty a kind of low key thing.
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Now, I have my own book week story
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because of course, one day I forgot.
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And I had three boys heading off.
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And so I quickly grabbed some pillowcases
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and drew some stuff in Texas.
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And they said it sucked.
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And of course, it sucked.
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But it wasn't a big deal.
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And it would double suck,
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because I was a high school English teacher.
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I don't say you're an English teacher.
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And I taught at the same school.
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Anyway, so what I've noticed is
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there wasn't much information for us then.
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And also, we got one note
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in the school bag,
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in the oldest boy's bag.
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That's a few members to bring at home.
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That was it.
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That was all the school communication I got.
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Unless, of course, they call because something really big.
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So can you see the shift in just that amount of time is that
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we are overly investing in getting too much information.
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I believe in teachers believe the same.
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So secondly, going back to that.
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So what's happened is there's too much information.
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Right?
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And that means every mum,
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who had a moment that's a normal moment of conflict in her family.
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And this was what was happening when I was on Nova.
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Sometimes in Perth,
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I'd have a lovely mum ring up,
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whose first child,
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and it's two and a half,
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and she's asking me,
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how do you stop tantrums?
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And I'm going,
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oh no, that's a sign you're a child developing beautifully.
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And there's a reason for that.
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And I was starting to normalize
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the things that are challenging
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with our kids.
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And then that's exactly what's,
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no, because it's like I have to be doing something wrong.
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And so what's happened in that space is then instant turned up.
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I mean, Facebook originally,
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but most mums are on Instagram, what's that?
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And so the compare again and despair again,
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and they're seeing women
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in the most exquisite leisureware
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with their hair done amazingly in perfect eyebrows,
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dropping off immaculately dressed children at school.
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And they're all going,
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far out, I'm really behind the eight ball here.
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So the comparison stuff intensified
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with social media.
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And I've seen it with my own daughter-in-laws,
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and even a wee behind the scenes,
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chuckle about it.
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And I've been encouraging them to be as imperfect as possible.
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Because what happens is if you've got a couple of other mums
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who are comfortable without playing that game,
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then you actually can,
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I mean, you know, the very fact,
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I think I'm going up on one of my portraits
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that I went once without bras instead of a leisure.
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We didn't have those things.
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And yeah, no eyebrows, no makeup, no nothing.
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So the pressure on women to look a certain way
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to be master chefs in the kitchen,
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to be goddesses in the bedroom,
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to have a house that matches.
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Now that wasn't a thing.
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Yeah.
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So every single one of those,
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women are looking at how am I measuring
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on each of these scales.
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And that's what happens as we try to fall asleep at night,
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is,
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gee, they didn't eat broccoli,
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so I'm a terrible mum.
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And yes, they do start planning next year's book week thing.
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The week after the last one,
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because we've put this intensified pressure on you
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to be a perfect mother,
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which is absolute crap.
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And I think it's probably why,
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yeah, why people come along for a good laugh,
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because I absolutely own all my markups.
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And yet I've raised some pretty decent humans
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who are very loving dads.
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So I think,
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how do we turn that around,
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if the beauty industry only puts one way of being too?
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Now I have good news for all of you lovely women.
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Something good happens as you get old.
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I know it's awful,
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because gravity starts winning in these lines
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and there's perimenopause.
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Man, I could do another episode on that alone,
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even I forgot the kids left one at the pool.
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Anyway.
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And then as we get past that one a little,
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you know, there's this, I don't give a shit that kicks in.
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Yeah.
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And it kicks in earlier when you have other beautiful women
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who you can catch up for a coffee or a wine,
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who own all their markups,
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we laugh when we cry, we probably fart,
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we do all these things in a little group,
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because what we're doing is what women did in the case.
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They sat around together and shared all the moments,
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they laughed, they cried,
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which is like a therapy session.
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Unfortunately, so many of today's mums,
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particularly with their little puppies,
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are alone and they're in silos,
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because the village is disintegrated.
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So it is one of my, you know,
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like there's a part of me that has this burning idea
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and this is only between you and me
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and not everyone who's this.
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Is I'd love to be able to set up a site that says,
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help.
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Someone drop in for an hour,
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so I can have a shower and a wee in peace.
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You know, because I've done this with my own daughter,
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I've also done it to some other friends where I've said,
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look, I've got some time this morning,
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any chance I could just take the baby
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for a walk around the block for an hour.
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And when I've come back,
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I have a different woman
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who's had time to have a shower,
22:09
do her hair, pluck her eyebrows or whatever
22:11
and sit down and have a cup of tea.
22:13
That is it, it is not necessarily
22:16
having an enormous,
22:18
but we have to give these pockets of time
22:21
to fill our wine cup.
22:22
And I think the world hasn't got enough of that.
22:25
And then on top of it, of course,
22:28
so often, if you are in a two-parent family,
22:31
you both have work to be able to pay
22:33
the blasted mortgage at the moment.
22:34
So that pressure takes away the choice,
22:38
what's more stress,
22:39
because everyone will lay in bed wondering
22:41
if we're going to make the house payment.
22:42
Yeah.
22:44
There are so many threads I want to pull on there.
22:46
And then I pull for a few
22:47
and hope that my failing brain fog
22:50
doesn't turn off at this moment.
22:52
I'm going to start there,
22:53
because the brain fog will kick in.
22:55
We know that perimenopause causes
22:57
fluctuations in eventual declines
22:59
in estrogen and progesterone.
23:00
And when you said women,
23:02
as we start to experience progesterone,
23:04
we give less f.
23:06
Yes, going to swear,
23:07
because I know there could be kids listening,
23:09
but our filter sometimes vanishes,
23:12
sometimes disintegrates.
23:14
And that is because that hormone,
23:16
particularly estrogen of servitude
23:18
and accommodation is waning.
23:20
And so this is why,
23:22
again, social media can be a great source of support,
23:25
but that's when we see the nasty comments
23:27
and the direct things,
23:29
unclined things being shared.
23:31
Another thread when you said
23:32
that women are craving connection.
23:35
We are more connected, but disconnected.
23:37
That's it.
23:38
Loneliness is a global epidemic.
23:40
And we are seeing it, as you said,
23:42
particularly with new mumps.
23:44
If we are geographically separated from our family,
23:47
that problem is even more amplified.
23:49
So I think that there's a whole lot of confounding factors
23:53
that are colliding.
23:54
It's almost like a super storm that
23:55
mean that women, particularly today
23:57
ambitious and accomplished women,
23:59
are trying to parent like they're in the 1950s.
24:02
You know, the lunch boxes,
24:03
the costumes,
24:04
the fancy elaborate parties.
24:06
Like let's not talk about parties.
24:09
And then they're working as well like it's 2025.
24:12
And let's be honest,
24:13
the demands of work have changed.
24:15
So it's these factors.
24:17
And then as you said,
24:18
you know, there tend to be absorbing
24:20
and the researchers telling us this digital load.
24:23
We forget things.
24:25
You know, the average human is processing
24:27
74 gigabytes of data a day.
24:30
Our brains were never designed for that much.
24:32
Our hippocampus, the memory center can't hold it.
24:35
This, that's what, I mean,
24:36
I couldn't remember my boy's names
24:38
and I didn't have it.
24:39
Fine.
24:40
So, thank you.
24:42
I don't remember.
24:43
I actually poor dog is often referred to as one
24:45
of the children are referred to as,
24:47
I love your dog.
24:48
Tommy.
24:49
So this makes me want to ask like,
24:52
I think there's also an industry out there.
24:54
I think we've,
24:56
we've commercialized motherhood.
24:58
We've industrialized motherhood.
25:00
And we often promote the solution
25:02
being will women just need to invest in self care.
25:05
It's the fix.
25:06
We've now got mummy gummies.
25:08
We've got mummy wine culture.
25:09
We've got the get your glow back powders
25:11
that are sold to us in sponsored post on social media.
25:15
Motherhood that's associated with exhaustion and depletion,
25:19
it sells.
25:20
Unfortunately,
25:23
how, of course, how do we come back to that?
25:24
How do we fight that?
25:26
How do we acknowledge that?
25:27
And how do we come back to what will actually serve us?
25:30
Oh, and look, I think it's,
25:31
and I really honor the work you're doing
25:33
in the corporate space around this.
25:34
Chrissy, but also what we need to recognize.
25:37
And this is another really big thing
25:39
that when we become a mother,
25:42
we actually create a whole new identity.
25:45
And this is another reason why everything gets so mucky.
25:52
Because we've got to work out who we are now as a mother
25:54
versus who I was as, you know, wherever I was working.
25:57
It doesn't matter what you were doing.
25:59
Yes.
26:00
And it happens even for early childhood educators,
26:02
you know, they say,
26:03
they said, whoa, this is,
26:04
I didn't what?
26:06
And fortunately, we're now getting a lot more beautiful women
26:09
writing about mattresses, which is about this journey.
26:11
I think we need to share that as an understanding,
26:14
because that's a part of adding to the stress of this.
26:17
And I think what we then do,
26:19
we have to turn tech into being our aid and our support
26:24
and our village that actually, yeah.
26:26
And I think, you know, that is something going forward,
26:29
but it's not easy.
26:30
Because when you're tired,
26:31
you can't handle the negative comment,
26:34
even for someone else.
26:36
So it's, you know, and it's not easy.
26:37
As you know, we have to curate those feeds.
26:39
You know, I disappear for weeks at a time,
26:41
because I can't handle it.
26:43
And yet I only try and contribute stuff
26:45
that adds to people's lives and makes them laugh
26:47
with really stupid stuff.
26:49
Can you see it's not easy?
26:51
When you're tired, as you know,
26:52
the more stress we are at night,
26:54
the more likely we're going to go on.
26:55
And I think I love that image that sometimes
26:58
when a woman opens the door some days
27:00
and gets to pass,
27:01
she doesn't even remember ordering.
27:03
Oh, yeah.
27:03
It's because what is the distraction
27:05
that I'm trying to do to put more joy into my life?
27:08
Yeah.
27:08
So creating those little,
27:11
I'm going to say small cup fillers,
27:13
not the biggies.
27:14
What did the little habits you do?
27:16
And I think the nervous system responds brilliantly.
27:20
Doesn't it?
27:21
And you're better at that than me.
27:22
But I actually have,
27:24
I had to work out that sometimes
27:26
when my boys were doing my head in,
27:29
I needed to go for a walk.
27:31
Yeah.
27:31
And I still walk today with my stress.
27:33
I go in nature and I cool myself down.
27:35
I do that sometimes when I'm in the middle of Sydney
27:38
before a major conference.
27:40
Because I know that works for me.
27:43
Right?
27:44
So.
27:45
And you're exactly right.
27:46
The research tells us I call them piccolo breaks.
27:48
They don't have to get offy like a la la la.
27:50
Micro breaks.
27:51
Two yes and minutes has been scientifically proven
27:54
as the most essential break that you can take.
27:56
And walking,
27:57
the reason walking works for us is
27:59
because things move past our eyes
28:00
and that optic flow quietens down part of our brain
28:03
called the amygdala,
28:04
which is the wary center, the emotional hub.
28:06
So that's why literally, as you said,
28:08
going for a walk,
28:09
some of the best advice you gave me was
28:12
investing in some chocolate and hiding it.
28:14
Yes.
28:14
I'm going to venture it.
28:17
But the problem I'm facing now is that
28:19
because of my brain fog,
28:20
I'm forgetting where I've hidden things.
28:23
So I go to get the stash of chocolate
28:25
and it's unknown to me where it is.
28:28
There was something else that you said there.
28:30
And I think we, I just want to touch on this.
28:32
I definitely agree we need to be talking about matrescence,
28:35
that that period where we go from, you know,
28:38
being a woman into a man above.
28:40
But what I also think's happening at this time is
28:44
because many women for a variety of reasons are elect,
28:47
are electing to have children later in life.
28:49
Motherhood and matrescence is often colliding
28:52
with perimenopause.
28:53
Yes.
28:54
And so this is a,
28:56
both of those in and of themselves are
28:58
massive hormonal disruptions, biological transitions,
29:02
you know, massive neurobiological changes.
29:04
And I think they're happening simultaneously.
29:06
Yeah.
29:06
And I love what you say about we,
29:09
we need to be with women.
29:11
And we know that women,
29:12
when we are in proximity,
29:14
like physical proximity of other women,
29:17
our brains release oxytocin.
29:18
We tend to be a friend.
29:20
Men do not get as much of an oxytocin hit
29:22
when they're sitting and chatting and talking about their problems.
29:25
And so we need our people.
29:27
And maybe that is online.
29:29
We need to share, as you said,
29:30
the shiny and the shabby.
29:32
Like share the crappy bits.
29:33
Have that friend,
29:34
and I did this last week.
29:35
I had a whole lot of things happening.
29:37
Last Wednesday, it was a shicho.
29:40
I rang a girlfriend.
29:41
I cried for five minutes.
29:42
She turned up with a bunch of flowers, gave me a cuddle.
29:45
I was a different person.
29:46
Yes.
29:47
And I think we need to remember we need that community.
29:50
And we've lost that.
29:51
And we have to be more intentional
29:53
about the community and those breaks
29:55
because as women, we really do.
29:57
We can't run on empty.
29:59
I think there's one other thing underneath all that.
30:02
And that is that we have to put the stick down
30:05
that we beat ourselves up.
30:06
Yes.
30:07
Right.
30:08
And sometimes that may need some professional support.
30:13
Because we could be running stories
30:15
about our inadequacies that are actually coming from our childhood.
30:18
And many people have heard me talk.
30:20
No, my mum and I,
30:21
my mum wasn't a warm, loving woman.
30:23
So as I grew into my teen years,
30:25
I kept thinking, oh, God,
30:27
how can anyone not give you mum can't love you?
30:29
So I became a people pleaser and an overachiever
30:33
in order to make myself feel better.
30:35
And when I finally identified that,
30:37
that is another thing that I was doing
30:39
to exhaust myself,
30:41
not just over caring for everyone else,
30:42
but actually saying,
30:44
yes to things, my body was saying,
30:46
no, you're already cooked.
30:48
Like, don't.
30:48
And that took me a while.
30:49
And that's one of the activities I do in women's or treats
30:52
where I, you have a request.
30:55
And then I'll make the women go round the room.
30:56
And people have to say,
30:58
no, 10 times for what they say, yes.
31:01
Because we want to get used to it.
31:02
And you say, I can't do that.
31:04
It doesn't work for me.
31:06
Right?
31:07
Because we have to practice saying that.
31:09
And it's going back to that also around
31:12
when I share the story about the haircut.
31:14
Because that's another reason that we as women,
31:17
every now and then we know we need to put a boundary in place.
31:20
But there's a part of us that realises,
31:22
if I just say I don't like my haircut,
31:24
then I'm going to upset my hairdresser.
31:26
I really like her.
31:28
And I know that she's going to have a crap day after me
31:31
saying, I don't like my haircut.
31:32
So we become overly responsible for other people's feelings.
31:35
And that's coming from a beautiful place.
31:38
Right?
31:39
And then we know if we say that,
31:41
next time we come, it's going to be a bit awkward.
31:43
Because this in the emotional intensity of women
31:47
is far more unpredictable, complex,
31:50
and heavier than many other men.
31:52
No, they get big feelings, I get that.
31:55
But we have a tendency for ruminating loops.
31:57
And so the other thing, how do we turn that off?
32:00
And that's why sometimes,
32:02
and I just remind everyone,
32:04
there is a free audio for mums on my website
32:06
that's really good at turning off the,
32:09
it's the voice in your head at night.
32:11
That if you can turn it off,
32:13
and that's why I really encourage anyone
32:14
who has a habit of putting certain things on
32:17
to turn it off,
32:18
you won't be awake till two o'clock.
32:20
It won't mean you will still be thinking of how on earth
32:22
are we going to get Christmas dinner sorted
32:25
and wear a mat to the tree or probably fall over again
32:27
and what size does my nephew's t-shirt going to be.
32:30
You'll still do some of that,
32:32
but I think it's, we don't go, you know,
32:34
we collapse into sleep,
32:36
which means the next day, as you know,
32:39
that's going to be pretty crap as well.
32:41
Because we actually need that,
32:43
and I'm going to suggest that would be the number one other one.
32:46
I'd look at looking at everything
32:49
that can possibly improve your sleep,
32:51
all those weird old teas and things.
32:55
For me, I might go to when I know I've had a big night,
32:59
or you know, not a big night on the girl,
33:01
big night doing webinars till 9.30 at night,
33:04
because I'm at nine o'clock in bed,
33:05
5.36 o'clock at night.
33:08
So I do the epsom salts in the bath with lavender,
33:12
and I really genuinely, I read a book in the bath,
33:17
because that tends to turn my brain off from whatever it is.
33:19
And it's working, but I'm now 70 with me.
33:21
I don't give a crap kind of, so I'm going to,
33:25
just basically, I very, very rarely do the ruminating loop anymore,
33:31
because as you know, I share all my,
33:33
I've fallen upstairs.
33:35
I've had chin whiskers on my own.
33:37
I've decided the more authentic we are with other women
33:41
around the moments that we used to beat ourselves up with,
33:44
the easier it becomes for other women,
33:47
and that's what I want to model,
33:48
that the imperfect woman with a great sense of humour,
33:52
she's like a godsend to the world,
33:54
and thank you for doing the same.
33:56
And I really think we need to challenge the Marta mother mode.
34:01
I think only women are, again,
34:04
through no fault of their own, no fault of their mothers,
34:06
you know, when I love Mayor Angelo's quote,
34:08
that when you know better, you do better.
34:10
You do better.
34:11
And I think many women are emulating the role models they saw.
34:14
I think it's Nicola Jane Hobbs.
34:16
I'll find the exact quote,
34:17
but she wrote that she grew up never seeing
34:19
what a rusted woman looks like.
34:21
Yes.
34:21
And I think we've still taken that into our modern lives today,
34:24
and then we've piled on this extra digital load.
34:27
We've piled on, often part-time,
34:29
if not full-time work on top of that.
34:31
And then women are looking around saying,
34:33
what is wrong with me?
34:34
What am I doing wrong, what kind of...
34:35
That's exactly what I say.
34:38
And I think, as you said, saying no,
34:40
having firm-loving boundaries,
34:42
a Danielle Laporte has a great quote,
34:44
and I might have to drop.
34:46
I will try not to swear.
34:47
I think there's big open heart, wide-effing fence.
34:51
And we can have loving firm boundaries and parameters,
34:54
and those connections with others are so important.
34:57
I've got two more questions.
34:58
One, I read,
35:00
Reshma Sejani, I hope I said her name correctly,
35:03
said recently,
35:04
mothers don't break,
35:06
but they're broken right now.
35:07
And I know you and the fabulous Dr. Vanessa La Pointerette
35:10
are coming home to ourselves earlier this year for mums,
35:15
because I think you said in something that I read
35:17
that many women, far too many women,
35:19
are pouring from an empty cup.
35:22
Why do we need this?
35:23
And my second question is,
35:25
what do you do as a wise woman
35:28
who has learned better,
35:30
who's doing better,
35:31
who's got the life lessons under her belt?
35:33
What's one bit of advice you could give
35:35
to other women as we close out,
35:36
so they can experience what I call spacious success?
35:39
Yeah.
35:40
And just that that was why I really was keen to have this chat,
35:45
because part of my retreat process is
35:49
identifying how we're beating our suffer, right?
35:51
So we get them to write post at night,
35:53
so what are you telling yourself?
35:55
And the necessary night cried and sobbed
35:59
with the messages on the wall.
36:00
They weren't the same as 20 years ago.
36:02
They were, I'm a worse mum,
36:03
like kids would be better with a different mum,
36:05
you know, and it was,
36:07
you know, we had over 150 people,
36:09
our mum's in the room.
36:11
And so what it was was the nervous system
36:14
in these mums have been carrying this load
36:18
who were absolutely beating themselves up,
36:20
who hate who they are as a mother.
36:23
Just at the broken, right?
36:26
So even just saying,
36:27
oh, let's go for a walk,
36:28
I just had to work on the nervous systems.
36:31
And so we did lots of crazy tapping
36:34
and there were lots of swear words to reduce it.
36:37
We did the things that women do
36:38
when they shift nervous system energy without therapy.
36:41
We danced and sang loudly together.
36:46
And it was interesting because I just wanted them to shift the heaviness
36:51
and remember about joy and remember about
36:54
what lifts me up.
36:56
And so it was a really good reminder to me,
36:59
because I hadn't been putting my normal music on at home that I do.
37:04
Is that, I was getting more in work mode
37:06
and I was listening to podcasts that might help me with that?
37:09
And I suddenly thought, hold on.
37:11
Yeah.
37:11
I've got to put that joy back in.
37:13
The songs that we've loved when we were younger.
37:15
And this is what happened.
37:17
There were women just crying with joy.
37:19
I haven't danced like this for so long.
37:21
I haven't sung as loudly and badly as this for so long.
37:25
So my biggest tip is,
37:27
it's about knowing you actually have inside you this beautiful wise voice.
37:35
Inside every single human is a source of light.
37:38
We can't hear it because of the ego, because of the shadow.
37:42
And I think that's it.
37:44
Whatever you can do to find the quiet voice that
37:47
can remember how beautiful it is to stand and look at the full moon.
37:51
To pause when they see a flower.
37:54
To look at a moon with a baby and go,
37:56
oh, man, look at that love.
37:59
I think it's those little moments of joy
38:03
that will be so much more powerful going forward
38:08
that we all, it's about that moment that
38:11
because I've worked in Death and dying, Christy.
38:13
You know that.
38:14
And the number of times I've worked with people
38:18
who thought they had a lot more time.
38:20
How would you be if this was your last week on Earth?
38:24
How would you be with the people you love?
38:26
How would you be?
38:28
Seriously?
38:29
Because whatever you might do or say, do it every day.
38:38
Oh, I'm struggling to find words.
38:41
In my keynote, so I often talk about, I remind people,
38:43
there's a great book by all of a bookman who wrote 4,000 weeks.
38:46
And it's a very sober reminder that, you know,
38:49
our time is finite.
38:51
And I think so many of us, particularly women,
38:53
this is why I'm doing this podcast.
38:55
I see so many incredible women who are colleagues,
38:58
who are friends, who are moms at school,
39:00
who I stand on the sidelines with.
39:02
And they are, as Reshbi said, they're broken.
39:05
And we need to live as powered up high-res humans.
39:09
And I think, as you said,
39:11
it's the simple abundances in life that we forget
39:14
because we're so frantic, frenetic, and frazzled.
39:18
And something that I do with my coaching clients
39:20
is I get them to create what I call a pleasure playlist.
39:23
Yes, jotting down all the things that we've often forgotten.
39:26
This is why I think Lisa and Sarah's dance clubs.
39:29
Yes, I love it.
39:30
They walked in.
39:31
They had a happy, oh, let me know.
39:36
That's what women are craving, is it?
39:38
When I ask a lot of women, what do you do for fun?
39:40
There is this awkward, stunted silence
39:43
because many of us have forgotten.
39:46
So I am incredibly grateful for your wise words that you've shared.
39:50
For the work that you've done, for parents throughout the world,
39:54
the work you've done, obviously, for women.
39:57
And as I said at the beginning, my life would be very different
40:00
in so many ways without you.
40:03
And I am just incredibly grateful for your time
40:05
and showing women and sharing with them what they can do
40:08
to experience spacious success,
40:10
because as you just reminded us, our time is just precious.
40:14
And I remind people, I've had some experiences of recent times
40:18
that have reminded me that good health is a privilege.
40:20
It's not a promise.
40:22
And I think both wise words make the most of every day.
40:25
Do the things that drive, you drive pleasure from
40:29
and you're doing a good enough job.
40:31
Without guilt.
40:32
Yes, without regret.
40:34
Just, yes, Maggie says.
40:37
Right.
40:38
What would Maggie do?
40:39
Either way, basically, I often think that
40:42
and it often involves a cup of tea,
40:44
the block of chocolate, if I can find it,
40:46
in the great location I planted it,
40:48
and Chevy the door.
40:51
That's up there with the best device.
40:53
Huge thank you, Maggie.
40:54
I know the listeners will get a lot from this.
40:57
And thank you for shining the light in the world
40:59
in the way that you do.
41:00
So thank you.
41:01
Love you, beautiful Christy.
41:02
Thank you, big hugs to everyone.