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The Fifth Hour: Iron Mike & Sticks · The Ben Maller Show

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Kaboom!
• 0:02
  Speaker 2: If you thought four hours a day, 1,200 minutes a
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: week was enough, think again. He's the last remnants of
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: the old republic, a sole bastion of fairness. He treats
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: crackheads in the ghetto gutter the same as the rich
• 0:15
  Speaker 2: pill poppers in the penthouse.
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: Wow.
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: The clearinghouse of hot takes break free for something special.
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: The Fifth Hour with Ben Maller starts right now.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: In the air everywhere. The Fifth Hour with me, Ben Maller,
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: and you as we are together on this Saturday, the
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: final day of the divisional round, which is tonight. We
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: have a game five. The team named after Bridge, the
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Cleveland Guardians, taking on the team named after Laundrie, the
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: Chicago White Sox. So we'll have the final four all set.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: But you didn't tune in to this podcast yesterday. For that,
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: you did not. This is a labor of love, the
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: Fifth Hour Podcast, and I'm happy to do it. And
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: the reason I'm happy to do it, especially on a
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: day like this, what is it, the 10th day of October? Yesterday,
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: the news came out that Mike Ditka is gone. 86
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: years old, a Chicago institution, a football legend, a man
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: who looked like he was born angry and was upset
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: at a referee. and wanted you to run gassers, and
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: then spent the next eight decades refusing to calm down.
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: He just didn't. And while the sports world right now
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: is still remembering the life and times of the Bears
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: coach back in the day, Mike Ditka and that iconic
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: mid-1980s Chicago Bears team, the over-the-top mustache coach, The temper
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: of tempers. A different era of sports. Can you imagine
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: a Mike Ditka-like coach today? Oh, my God. You can't
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: be mean. What is wrong with you? Oh, my God.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: You've got to worry about this, that, and the other thing. Now,
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: I have a slightly different connection to Iron Mike. a
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: connection that involves a doctor, a steakhouse, several unanswered phone calls,
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: and my increasingly ridiculous cell phone Rolodex, which is not stopping.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: It is not stopping. So the story begins about 25
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: years ago, give or take. There was a gentleman by
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: the name of Doc Mike. That's about the time Doc
• 2:36
  Speaker 1: started calling my overnight show. We had Doc on the mailbag.
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: in a recent episode of the Fifth Hour Podcast. But
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: Doc started calling in from Chicago. And one of the
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: great characters, we love Doc Mike, still doing his thing, right?
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: Man with many stories. Lot of stories. He knew everybody.
• 2:56
  Speaker 1: He's been everywhere, man. If something happened in Chicago, Doc
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: Mike either witnessed it, knew the guy responsible, or had
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: dinner with the guy's cousin. It's a modern-day Forrest Gump,
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: at least according to Doc Mike. So one of the
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: recurring characters that he brought up on these many phone
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: calls when he wasn't talking about steroids and the bloody
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: goat beer, the beer for losers, but one of the
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: characters he brought up on his Chicago adventures was Mike Ditka.
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: And if you were listening to the show back then,
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: and there aren't many left who were, but Doc Mike
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: claimed that he regularly ran into Mike Ditka at his
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: steakhouse in Chicago. And Doc Mike even said that he
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: had treated Mike Ditka for his, I believe it's called fibromyalgia.
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: It's a chronic disorder that causes widespread pain. and fatigue,
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: muscle problems, insomnia, and all that. And so Doc would
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: be like, oh, yeah, Ditka's up all night. He can't sleep.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: He's got insomnia from this fibromyalgia, and I'm helping him
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: and all this stuff. I'm like, okay, sure you are.
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: And Doc made it seem like they were practically running buddies,
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: if you believe the stories. I believe about one out
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: of every 12 things Doc Mike says. Now, Doc Mike
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: did make me a promise. He said, listen, I'm going
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: to get Ditka on your show. I said, Mazel Tov.
• 4:18
  Speaker 2: Wonderful.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: I would love to talk to Mike Ditka. How great
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: would that be? I'm still waiting. Unfortunately, I do not
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: think we can get calls from across the pearly gates.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: So unfortunately, I believe we will not have that conversation
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: on the radio with Mike Ditka. Now, to be fair,
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: I have spent a quarter century hosting overnight talk radio.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: I have been promised interviews with all kinds of celebrities.
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  Speaker 1: Hall of Famers, famous musicians, politicians, all kinds of assorted
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  Speaker 1: big shots, people who are important and people that think
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: they're important. And most of these promises, most of these
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: promises have the same reliability as a seven-day weather forecast.
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  Speaker 1: But the Mike Ditka story didn't end with just Doc Mike.
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  Speaker 1: Years later, a media friend of mine who actually knew
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: Mike Ditka He said, hey, why don't you have Ditko
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: on your podcast? I said, that'd be great. I'd love
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  Speaker 1: to have Ditko on my podcast. So he gave me
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: Mike Ditko's phone number. He said, here, here's his number.
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  Speaker 1: Call him. He's my friend. Drop my name. He'll do
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: the podcast. I said, okay, now we're cooking. All right,
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  Speaker 1: Doc Mike was full of crap. This guy knows he
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: gave me Ditko's phone number. So here I am. I
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: had Mike Ditko's personal phone number, not from some publicist,
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: not from an agent, not from some lawyer. This was
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: his actual number. So I called it. Ring, ring, ring.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: No answer. All right. I waited a few hours. And
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: I called again. Ring, ring, ring. Bupkis. No answer. So
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: I thought, oh, man, maybe it's the wrong number. There
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: was no voicemail with his name on it. I was
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: told not to text Mike Ditka because he was too
• 6:01
  Speaker 1: old for that. So I didn't text him. So I
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: contacted my buddy. I said, hey, listen, your guy Ditka
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: didn't answer. He said, listen. give it a couple of days,
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: call back. I said, fine, I'm a patient man. I've
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: worked a late night for a long time. I understand
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: patience is practically a job requirement when you do what
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: I do, along with questionable judgment. So I waited about
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: a week. I almost forgot about it. I was like,
• 6:29
  Speaker 1: all right, move on. We're worlds apart from Mike Ditka.
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: So I was like, whatever. La, la, la, la, la.
• 6:36
  Speaker 1: And then randomly, I remembered. I was like, wait a minute.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: I got Ditka's number. My buddy told me to call
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: him this week. I haven't called him yet. Bad job
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: by me. So I waited about a week. I called
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: Mike Ditka again. Ring, ring, ring, ring. No answer. So
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  Speaker 1: at this point, I was beginning to suspect that I
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: had the wrong number, that I was getting punked, or
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: that Mike Ditka had made some kind of business decision
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: like Ron Popeil did. to not appear on the podcast. Now,
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: the famous Ron Popeil story, the infomercial god Ron Popeil
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: said it and forget it, but wait, there's more. He
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: was booked on the podcast through his publicist, and then
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: at the very last minute from his home in Malibu,
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: he canceled. I don't want to spend time with the grandkids,
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: which I get. He's dead now, so I understand, but
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: he agreed to do something. Yeah, do it. Anyway, so
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: I thought, well, I had the wrong number. Ditka decided
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: not to do the podcast. My friend explained, though, I
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: contacted him again. He said, listen, Ditka's dealing with some
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: medical problems right now. It's probably not a good time.
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: Why don't we wait until he gets better, and then
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: we'll reconnect? And that was that. Well, obviously, we never connected.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: And from what I understand, I was texting my friend yesterday,
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: and he was like, well, it never really got better.
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: So apparently Ditka's been pretty sick for number of years here,
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: and his passing happened on Friday, which brings us to
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: one of my personal rules of life. And I'm not
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: sure if you share this rule or not. I don't
• 8:07
  Speaker 1: know how old you are. Maybe you're not in position
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: to share the rule. It is a golden rule. It
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  Speaker 1: is a rule that I will keep the rest of
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  Speaker 1: my life. And it's kind of cool. I'm somebody that,
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  Speaker 1: and I don't really deal with this stuff too well.
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  Speaker 1: I don't think anybody does. Let me explain. So once
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: your phone number enters the mallor phone you're there forever
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  Speaker 1: it's not for the rest of your life it's for
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: the rest of your life and beyond death while sad
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  Speaker 1: is not grounds for removal from the cell phone rolodex
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  Speaker 1: it just isn't and so even though mike ditka has
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  Speaker 1: left us and i will never get a chance to
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  Speaker 1: interview him on the podcast i have mike ditka's number
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  Speaker 1: i'm I will now keep that number where it is.
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  Speaker 1: His number will spend eternity alongside Tommy Lasorda's number, Tommy John,
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  Speaker 1: Fred Clare, assorted other sports personalities, phone numbers I've collected
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: over the years. And right there among the celebrities are
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: another wing of the Maler phone, legendary dead radio callers.
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  Speaker 1: And so Mike Ditka is.
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  Speaker 3: Not far away from Jimmy Ray from Tampa Bay and
• 9:27
  Speaker 3: Jeannie in Medford and the greatest caller Jeannie in Medford
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: of all time, beer drinking Brian, one of the all-time greats.
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  Speaker 1: That is quite the exclusive club. Imagine the seating chart
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: at the banquet. You got Tommy Lasorda discussing baseball over
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  Speaker 1: to the right. You got Mike Ditka screaming out, blocking
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  Speaker 1: and tackling off to the left. You got beer drinking
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: Brian excited because there's an open bar and So my
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: cell phone is essentially a digital cemetery at this point
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: with unlimited parking. And Mike Ditka, though, let's just talk
• 9:58
  Speaker 1: about Ditka. What a character. Some of you are too
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: young to have remembered Mike Ditka. I get it. Probably
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: a lot of you are too young based on the
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  Speaker 1: time and all that. But did you know that Mike
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: Ditka considered becoming a dentist in In college, there's a
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  Speaker 1: world in the multiverse where Mike Ditka doesn't go on
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  Speaker 1: and play professional football, doesn't become the greatest rookie tight
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  Speaker 1: end of all time, where Mike Ditka leaves the University
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: of Pittsburgh and says, all right, welcome to the Mike
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: Ditka Dentistry School or Dentistry Office. You're sitting in the
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: dental chair terrified because this curmudgeon Mike Ditka walks in
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: with his famous scowl. Open your mouth! No hello, no niceties,
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: none of that stuff. And you explain that, hey, I'm
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: a little nervous here. And Ditka says, who cares? We
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: got a cavity to fill. Forget laughing gas. He'd just
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: yell until your tooth surrendered. If he was a dentist,
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: my God. I also read one of the tributes to
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: Mike Ditka yesterday. It said Ditka was a punter in college,
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: a tight end who punted. Today's NFL teams have 47
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: assistant coaches to determine whether a player should tie his
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: left shoe before his right shoe and whether or not
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: it's good to pick boogers before practice or after practice.
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: Just think, Dallas Cowboys the other day, Joey Porter Jr.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: was sick. So he had some kind of illness or
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: he ate too many whatever. Anyway, he was sick, and
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: so he was throwing up. They said, all right, you
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: got to get out of here. So he left the stadium,
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: and the Dallas Cowboys have so many employees, so many
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: assistants and helpers and people that are filler that this guy,
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: this staffer for the Cowboys, had to carry a trash
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: can in case Joey Porter needed to barf. He was
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: trash can guy just in case somebody Because God forbid
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: Joey Porter hold up the trash can and puke into it.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: That's how much different the NFL is now than then.
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: It's obvious eras change, times change, the money's insane. And
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: remember when Mike Ditka suffered, this is a memory I
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: had when I was a kid, Mike Ditka suffered a
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: heart attack coaching the Bears. It was like 1988 or
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: something like that. It was after they had won the
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: Super Bowl a couple years. And the dude was back
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: on the sidelines in less than two weeks. Today, he'd
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: need medical clearance from six different cardiologists. Three lawyers would
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: have to sign off on it. You'd have to have,
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: for some reason, the league's concussion consultant would have to
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: say what's going on. Well, it's not. It's a heart attack.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: It's not a concussion. Yeah, but just in case we
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: got to check for a concussion, you might have CTE. Dick,
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: when he left the Bears, he also coached the Saints
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: later on. And Mike Dick had traded the entire Saints draft.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: for Ricky Williams, a running back who was a really
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: good player in college. And it was unfortunate because Ricky
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: Williams turned out to like carrying a bong more than
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: the Duke, if only Mike Ditka had known that. But
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: Ditka was bigger than life, a pop culture icon, a
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: trending topic before there were trending topics. He appeared in
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: a Hollywood film. This was years after his major celebrity,
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: but he was in a Hollywood film with Will Ferrell.
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: Ditka's greatest entertainment achievement by far And it's not even close.
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: He became a Saturday Night Live legend without ever joining
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: the cast of Saturday Night Live. Those Chicago super fans
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: sketches turned dumb bears into a national catchphrase before anyone
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: knew what going viral meant. And those 1985 bears.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: Magnificinto! Just wonderful. I grew up a fan of Eric Dickerson,
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: Jackie Slater, Kevin Green, and the L.A. Rams. But even I,
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: as a kid, admired the circus in Chicago. I was
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: a fat kid. I couldn't believe they allowed a fat
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: guy to score touchdowns. William the Refrigerator Perry had the name.
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: The crazy, over-the-top quarterback, Jim McMahon. The sweetness of Walter Payton.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: those great defensive players like Mike Singletary, and then led
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: by Mike Ditka, the conductor of the Orchestra of Madness.
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: They were football players, as Tom Looney would say. Entertainers,
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: cartoon characters, the Super Bowl shuffle, all that stuff rolled
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: into one, larger than life. And now Mike Ditka is gone.
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: I never got to interview him on this podcast. I
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: never got him on the radio show. Doc Mike never delivered.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: My buddy couldn't make it happen. But I still have
• 14:42
  Speaker 1: his number. I still have his number, which is good, right?
• 14:45
  Speaker 1: I have his number. And maybe that's funny, because somewhere
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: in my phone, Mike Ditka remains one missed connection away
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: from appearing on the Fifth Hour podcast. And knowing Ditka
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: from afar, if I ever did reach him, he'd probably
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: tell me to stop calling. Or he'd say, who do
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: you work for? I'm not doing that. The Bears, the Memories,
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: the Voicemail, Rest in Peace, Iron Mike Ditka, one of
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: the great characters of my sports fandom life. And there
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: aren't coaches like that now. Can you imagine a Mike
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: Ditka character coming around now? Oh, God. You'd have to
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: call an army of ambulances for all the wokesters. you
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: can't be mean to the players. What's wrong with you? Oh,
• 15:32
  Speaker 1: my God. You can't be nasty. Oh, my God. Well,
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: moving on from that, turning the page, we have a
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: two-dog night, the great canine scandal of the week, the
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: life of Maler Pod, the Fifth Hour podcast. So I've
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: determined that nobody lays a guilt trip on quite like
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: a dog. Forget your mother. Now, a Jewish mother can
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: lay on a great guilt trip. But just for the
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: purposes of this podcast, forget your mom, forget your wife,
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: forget the temple or the church or whatever you go
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: to religious-wise. Nobody can make you feel like a degenerate,
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: a low-life, a complete failure, quite like a doggie who
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: happens to do the thing you can't do, smell another
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: dog on you. No yelling, no screaming, no throwing dishes,
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: just that look. That cold, judgmental stare, which is usually
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: reserved for somebody who shows up to a family event
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: like Thanksgiving empty-handed. Well, I got that look this week.
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: I got the look from my beloved English bulldog, Moxie,
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: the big dumper, as she's known on this podcast, when
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: my wife famously fed her too much pumpkin. The vomit comet.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: as she is also known, she's the real-life Vomit Comet,
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: the unofficial executive producer of the Ben Maller Show. She
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: does more prep than many of the people I've worked with. Apparently,
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: I had violated the sacred oath of the canine world, monogamy.
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: I didn't realize this at the time. And the amazing
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: thing is the other dog was offended, too. So two
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: dogs who I had never met, both treating me like
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: I committed a felony. Well, actually, I obviously know Moxie,
• 17:15
  Speaker 1: but I didn't know her before a few years ago.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: It was a two-dog night, and all I did was
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: make the mistake of visiting the Smurf kitchen at the
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: Fox Sports Radio compound. So now for the rest of
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: the story, here we go. Let me explain. So you
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: never know who you'll encounter at the hallowed hallways of
• 17:36
  Speaker 1: Fox Sports Radio. People come in there. Some are delighted
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: to see you, and other people have a kind of
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: a surly outlook on life. Sometimes it's deader than disco
• 17:46
  Speaker 1: in there. And every once in a while, things get
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: spiced up. There's all kinds of people bouncing around. Now,
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: when I get there, you'll see producers and editors, and
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: sometimes even guys bring their girlfriends. I didn't know that
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: was allowed. Random visitors will show up, people who've wandered
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: the halls for years, and I still don't know what
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: the hell they do other than look at their phone
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: and not work. Some of these people have badges. A
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: lot of them carry coffee. They appear to be employed
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: by the company. And that's good enough for me. So anyway,
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: the other night, I am winding down another glorious night
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: of marginal overnight talk radio. The sun is going to
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: come up soonish. Normal people are beginning their day. I
• 18:27
  Speaker 1: am finishing mine. It's like being a vampire without any
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: supernatural benefits, which is unfortunate. So someone in the building
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: informs me that LeVar Arrington is is down the hall,
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: and you might want to go see LeVar. Now, LeVar
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: is my colleague. He hosts the morning show with Jonas
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: and Brady Quinn that follows me. And while Brady Quinn
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: does the show from somewhere else, I see Jonas and
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: LeVar quite often. So LeVar does the morning show. He's
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: a co-host. You might know him better as a former
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: NFL linebacker for the Washington Redskins. And Penn State legend,
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: all kinds of accolades in his football career. A mountain
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: of a man who made a living running into other
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: large men at high speeds. And LeVar brought his dog. Okay.
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: This wasn't any ordinary dog. This was important information. This
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: was like an announcement. You have to see LeVar's dog.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: And in my head, I'm like, well, listen.
• 19:29
  Speaker 3: I have.
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: seen plenty of dogs. I love dogs. I've been around
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: for a long time. What is so special about this dog?
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: Why must I see this dog? And so the person's like,
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: this dog is huge. You've got to see this dog. Now,
• 19:41
  Speaker 1: I am a sucker for dogs, as I told you.
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: Tell me there's an enormous dog nearby, and I am
• 19:46
  Speaker 1: moving like somebody announced a lunch buffet closes in three
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: minutes down the hall, around the corner, into the Smurfs' kitchen,
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: and there's LeVar enjoying a nice cup of coffee, playing
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: on his phone. Next to him, Sticks. You're in the Sticks, Maller.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: You're in the Sticks, Maller. The big dog. Now, keep
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: in mind, I don't know the breed of Sticks. I
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: just know Styx is large and in charge. What a companion.
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: Didn't request his papers. Wasn't investigating the family tree. But
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: let me tell you, this animal looked like T-Rex from
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: Jurassic Park decided to become a family pet. I'm trying
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: not to exaggerate. I believe in accuracy, journalistic integrity on
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: a podcast. His head, the dog's head, Sticks, the dog's head,
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: could have had its own zip code. So LeVar is
• 20:43
  Speaker 1: drinking coffee. Sticks is surveying the premises. I'm wandering around wondering, wow,
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: like where did this come from? I wonder what the
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: mom looks like. And so I'm wondering whether this animal
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: requires a dog license or a commercial driver's license. And
• 21:01
  Speaker 1: so now I've met plenty of dogs that are unfamiliar
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: to me. And I understand the diplomatic protocol. When you
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: meet a new dog, you're supposed to extend your hand out,
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: let the dog sniff, wait for approval. It's kind of
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: like customs, except the agent has enormous, just giant teeth.
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: So I extend my hand. Sticks investigates. Initially, everything seemed fine. Wonderful.
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: I've explained that I like dogs. The dog seemed comfortable
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: with me. And I'm like, hey, I've expanded my canine
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: social network. Maybe we'll exchange Christmas cards or attaboys. However,
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: then Styx keeps sniffing and sniffing and sniffing. And suddenly
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: I'm no longer a visitor. I am a suspect because
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: Styx discovered something. Another dog on my person. Moxie. Uh-oh, Spaghetti-O. Now,
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: you see, my radio preparation routine is very sophisticated. Some
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: broadcasters have elaborate offices, giant monitors, research assistants, producers, and
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: people that go out of their way to make sure
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: that you sound good. Me? I lie on a sofa.
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: I got the TV on. I'm flipping around games. I
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: questioning the time-space continuum. There's one stumbling block after another.
• 22:37
  Speaker 1: It's quite the highfalutin life. So I got the laptop
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: resting on my lap. That's where you're supposed to put
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: a laptop. It's slowly cooking my internal organs, which I'm
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: sure will cause many problems down the line. And I've
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: got Moxie sprawled across my legs. That is the research
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: department for the Ben Maller Show. Bada bing, bada boom.
• 23:02
  Speaker 1: That is it, right there. Research department. That is the
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: editorial board. That is the brains behind the operation. The
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: dog sleeps. Let the dog sleep. That dog loves to sleep.
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: Let me tell you something. Occasionally, she accidentally wakes up, right?
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: Sometimes I'll disturb her, and she'll look at me like
• 23:22
  Speaker 1: a tenant who hasn't paid rent. Like, what's wrong with you?
• 23:26
  Speaker 1: You owe me. Unfortunately, I leave home with the scent
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: of Moxie, the English bulldog, on my legs. Even some hair,
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: I guess. She doesn't really shed too much. It's the scent.
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: Mysterious substances. Those bulldogs. There's a lot of stuff with
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: the bulldog. I don't know how that happens. They sleep
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: like 19 hours a day. At least Moxie does. So
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: it turns out that Sticks, LeVar Arrington's dog Sticks, detected everything.
• 23:59
  Speaker 1: Canine Sherlock Holmes. What up, Holmes? So suddenly he wants answers.
• 24:05
  Speaker 1: And I'm looking at Sticks, and Sticks is looking at
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: me like, who's this other dog? Where'd you meet her?
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: Is she cute? How long has this been happening? Does
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: LeVar know that you've talked to another dog and it's
• 24:17
  Speaker 1: been all over you? So I feel like I'm being
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: interrogated over an innocent visit to the kitchen to see
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: a new dog. And dogs don't need witnesses, fingerprints, or confessions.
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: They have their nose. They have their nose. Case closed. Now, eventually,
• 24:31
  Speaker 1: I say goodbye and head back to the studio and
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: then eventually off to the Northwoods. It was a pleasant encounter.
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: LeVar Arrington's dog is magnificent. And I was like, well,
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: what could possibly, possibly go wrong? Well, everything. Because waiting
• 24:48
  Speaker 1: at home is Moxie. My loyal companion, a furry, as
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: I said, little landlord. Little landlord. And now Moxie does
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: not celebrate my arrival. Moxie never celebrates my arrival. Moxie's
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: not that kind of dog. And Bella, my old dog Bella,
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: God rest her doggy soul, Bella was that kind of dog.
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: The kind of dog that will sprint to the door
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: and run and jump with the tongue out and the
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: tail going crazy. Just happy. Happy, happy, happy. If you're
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: happy and you show it. Shake your tail. If you're happy, happy, happy,
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: and you show it, shake your tail. If you're happy, happy,
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: and you know it, let your tongue go everywhere. But
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: that's not Mox. So she gives me the welcome home
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: side eye. Does not move any part of her body
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: other than her eyeballs. And even that's a lot of work.
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: And she gives me this look like, oh, you're back?
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: Can you keep it down? I'm trying to sleep over here.
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: It's kind of like living with, I would imagine, a
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: retired librarian who resents visitors. So I settle onto the sofa.
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: Moxie moves around, gets herself in position. She starts sniffing.
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: My hands, my clothes, my legs. And she starts sniffing
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: with purpose. And suddenly I realize she knows. She knows
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: about Styx. I don't know how she knows, but she knows.
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: I didn't tell her. I wasn't out loud and proud saying, hey,
• 26:19
  Speaker 1: I was out with Styx.
• 26:21
  Speaker 3: No.
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: I didn't say anything. She knew that I had brought
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: another dog scent into our home, the family home. This
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: is an act of betrayal, scandal, the audacity. So now
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: I'm facing a domestic inquiry from Moxie. And Moxie's giving
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: me all these looks. And I'm like, well, Moxie, it's
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: not what you think. And she's sniffing. And I'm like, no,
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: it's just a new dog. It's my friend's dog. And
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: she's sniffing. And I'm like, no, no, it's LeVar Arrington.
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: He's a talk show host, a colleague of mine. And
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: she's sniffing, nothing. And I'm like, I don't even know
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: what breed of dog it is. Do you understand? I
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: don't even know what breed it is. And she's sniffing.
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, why am I defending my behavior to
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: a English bulldog? Yeah, at my age, I guess I
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: should start planning for retirement, worry about my cholesterol and
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: how to pay the bills, how to pay for gas. Instead,
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: I'm explaining workplace encounters to an animal who occasionally eats cardboard.
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: And Moxie, I believe, has already convicted me. Sticks is
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: the interloper. Sticks is really ruining our friendship, me and Moxie.
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: The mysterious stranger from the morning shift. I'm a two-timing scoundrel. Unfortunately,
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: Moxie possesses one overriding personality trait. Laziness. When I say laziness,
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: I'm talking Olympic caliber laziness. Do you understand? Like, she's
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: so lazy, she only moves her eyes. And she doesn't
• 28:03
  Speaker 1: even wag her tongue. Okay, do you understand that? Hall
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: of Fame lazy. So if sleeping were competitive, she'd have
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: endorsements up the wazoo, a shoe contract, a statue outside
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: of a stadium. So the good news is Moxie remained
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: offended for approximately 14 seconds. 14 seconds, that's it. Then
• 28:28
  Speaker 1: maintaining a grudge, of course, became too exhausting. So she
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: immediately pivoted into luxury. She's like, all right, head down,
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: eyes closed, asleep, scandal over. No attorneys, no counseling, just
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: a nap. And frankly, humanity really could learn something here.
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: Imagine settling every argument by announcing, you know what? Let's
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: just sleep on it. I'm tired. Society would improve overnight.
• 28:58
  Speaker 2: It would.
• 28:59
  Speaker 1: And still, these dogs couldn't be more difficult. to deal
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: with because they get upset about the other dog. It
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: also could be more different, by the way. Sticks hangs
• 29:08
  Speaker 1: around with an NFL legend living in a mansion, looks
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: ready for an audition in Jurassic Park. Moxie's greatest athletic
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: achievement is repositioning herself on the sofa without waking up.
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: It's not sleepwalking. It's like sleep rolling. Now, these dogs
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: had never met. They'd never barked at each other. They'd
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: never competed for anything. And yet somehow I am the
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: common denominator. I'm the middleman. It's like a canine love triangle.
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: all because I wanted to pet a new dog and
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: consider their noses. Humanity spends billions of dollars on surveillance, satellites, cameras,
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: artificial intelligence. Meanwhile, a bulldog on a sofa can identify
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: another dog that touched hours earlier. No batteries, no Wi-Fi,
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: no subscription, just a nose attached to an animal who
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: snores like a malfunctioning leaf blower. So what else does
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: she know? My grocery trips, my secret snacks, the fast
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: food evidence I dispose of coming home from raising canes.
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: So I thought I owned a pet. Apparently I live
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: with a private investigator with... Not the greatest breath. Unlimited vacation.
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: She's always on vacation, Moxie. So there you have it.
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: Two dogs, two suspicious noses, one gas bag caught in
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: the middle. Sticks suspected me. Moxie convicted me. And fortunately,
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: Moxie forgave me. I'm not sure about Sticks. I don't
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: know if I'll ever see Sticks again. But Moxie forgave me,
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: not because she's compassionate, not because she believes in second chances.
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: Because holding a grudge, holding a grudge requires effort, and
• 30:58
  Speaker 1: Moxie doesn't believe in overtime. Case closed. Relationship saved. Crisis averted.
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: And that's the beauty of the relationship, the symbiotic relationship
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: that I have with Moxie. She knows I'm a serial
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: dog lover. I know she's a lazy bitch. And somehow
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: we are perfect for each other.
• 31:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I know.
• 31:18
  Speaker 1: It's crazy. All right. On that note, we will get
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: out of here. And another edition of the Fifth Hour
• 31:24
  Speaker 1: will be available for you tomorrow. The mailbag, the always
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: popular mailbag, will be back. I'm not 100% sure who's
• 31:31
  Speaker 1: going to be on the mailbag yet. Same story as
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: every week. A couple of people have said, call me,
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: call me, call me. So I will call them in
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: the proper order. And if they answer, I will put
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: them on. If not, I will put somebody else on.
• 31:46
  Speaker 1: And that's that. But enjoy the day, and we will
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: talk to you next time. Bye-bye!
• 31:53
  Speaker 3: Bye-bye!