Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #803 This Week In Parenting: Gentle Parenting Under the Microscope

Transcript

#803 This Week In Parenting: Gentle Parenting Under the Microscope · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: wants answers Now.
• 0:10
  Speaker 3: Hello, this stops Justin coilson on, the founder of Happy
• 0:12
  Speaker 3: Families dot Com. Kylie had a big night last night.
• 0:19
  Speaker 3: I'm here with Kylie, my wife and mum to have
• 0:21
  Speaker 3: six kids. She's not doing so well.
• 0:25
  Speaker 4: It was such a big night. I watched about a
• 0:27
  Speaker 4: bajillion high schools sing and dance for way too long.
• 0:33
  Speaker 3: They do this stuff late, don't they.
• 0:35
  Speaker 4: I don't know how they stay hud I couldn't today.
• 0:41
  Speaker 3: You were going to get through this. You are going
• 0:43
  Speaker 3: to be strong. I believe in you. Our conversation today
• 0:47
  Speaker 3: is this week in parenting.
• 0:53
  Speaker 4: I am a little bit concerned and.
• 0:54
  Speaker 3: What are you concerned about?
• 0:56
  Speaker 4: Justin about where you're getting your parenting advice from lately?
• 1:00
  Speaker 4: Because why walked in the other day to the office
• 1:02
  Speaker 4: and I heard you listening to Kim Kardashian give parenting advice.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: Parenting is the thing that has taught me the most
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: about myself. It has been the most challenging thing. There
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: are nights I cry myself to sleep, like what just happened?
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: You know, with all the moods and the personalities and
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: sometimes they're fighting and there's no one there, Like it's
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: me to play good cop and bad cops. So like
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: that is definitely a challenge when you know, something I'm
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: working on is being a little bit firmer. You know,
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: there's nothing that can prepare you anyone, any person that says,
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: oh we're waiting to have x amount of money in
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: the bank, Oh we're waiting to have a home before
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: we have kids. Oh I'm waiting for this job to
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: come in before we have kids. I don't care how
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: long you wait. I don't care what you're waiting for.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: You are never prepared.
• 1:54
  Speaker 3: Ah, the wisdom, the wisdom of the Guru. Kim Kardashian.
• 2:00
  Speaker 4: I just want to know, right, you don't even like
• 2:03
  Speaker 4: the Kardashians. What were you doing listening to her?
• 2:05
  Speaker 3: I was just looking around at what was in the
• 2:07
  Speaker 3: news about parenting. I mean, okay, she's not exactly telling
• 2:13
  Speaker 3: us anything fascinating or deep or incredible. I just wanted
• 2:16
  Speaker 3: to hear what she was going to say. And I thought, hmm,
• 2:19
  Speaker 3: you can never be prepared. And the emotions, and so
• 2:22
  Speaker 3: I love the line. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep
• 2:25
  Speaker 3: and I'm thinking, is it about parenting or is this
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: just you because she lives such a hard life. I
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: just I have a think about the Kardashians, right, I mean,
• 2:32
  Speaker 3: I just can't stand any of it. But I don't know.
• 2:35
  Speaker 3: I saw a little bit of humanity in KK as
• 2:38
  Speaker 3: I listened to what she had to say about raising kids.
• 2:42
  Speaker 4: I just I think what stands out to me. I
• 2:45
  Speaker 4: don't believe I'm saying that.
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: Believe you're doing commentary on Kim Kardashian.
• 2:49
  Speaker 4: Neither parenting is just the perfect level? Yes, like it
• 2:54
  Speaker 4: just it doesn't matter how much money you have. It
• 2:56
  Speaker 4: doesn't matter how much experience you have. It doesn't matter
• 2:59
  Speaker 4: what your job is, it doesn't matter how old you are.
• 3:02
  Speaker 4: Parenting is just hard.
• 3:04
  Speaker 3: There's emotions, and you cry yourself to sleep, and you
• 3:06
  Speaker 3: learn about yourself and you can never be prepared. Look
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: at me, I've just become Kim Kardashian. Can we talk
• 3:14
  Speaker 3: about some real parenting?
• 3:15
  Speaker 4: I was gonna ask, is there anything anything of substance
• 3:18
  Speaker 4: in today's episode?
• 3:20
  Speaker 3: Yes, we need to talk once more about parental guidance.
• 3:24
  Speaker 4: Gentle parenting is about letting children be children and respecting
• 3:28
  Speaker 4: them as people.
• 3:29
  Speaker 3: Oh, it seems that the Gentle Parents Larissa Remarcus have
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: been under fire on social media, and Kelly Scott has
• 3:36
  Speaker 3: written a really nice article on the ABC website ABC
• 3:40
  Speaker 3: Everyday Perspective from Kelly Scott parental guidance. Viewers are slamming
• 3:45
  Speaker 3: gentle parenting, she says, and I'm confused, Kylie, as you
• 3:48
  Speaker 3: watched Larissa Remarcus our gentle parents, what was your experience
• 3:51
  Speaker 3: as you consider what challenges they went through and the
• 3:55
  Speaker 3: experience that they had on the show.
• 3:58
  Speaker 4: Well, I've seen some of they're not so nice comments
• 4:01
  Speaker 4: on social media, and I can imagine that what we're
• 4:04
  Speaker 4: dealing with is people who feel like they're probably quite
• 4:09
  Speaker 4: permissive in the way they interact with their kids. I
• 4:13
  Speaker 4: saw comments about the kids, you know, not acting their age,
• 4:16
  Speaker 4: they were quite immature, and things like that. And for
• 4:20
  Speaker 4: me watching the show and even last season with their
• 4:24
  Speaker 4: attachment parents, I felt the same way that in some
• 4:27
  Speaker 4: ways it's such a disadvantage to the rest of the
• 4:29
  Speaker 4: other parenting styles because it is based on dealing with
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  Speaker 4: our children's emotions as they come and being supportive of
• 4:37
  Speaker 4: their needs as they arise.
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  Speaker 3: Right, And so what you're seeing is a lot of
• 4:42
  Speaker 3: parenting styles are about getting a quick, fixed response, instant compliance,
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  Speaker 3: whereas the Gentle Parents, the attachment style that we saw
• 4:48
  Speaker 3: in season one as well, is more about saying, you're
• 4:50
  Speaker 3: having an emotional moment and we're just going to allow
• 4:52
  Speaker 3: you to experience the emotion. And it doesn't look pretty,
• 4:54
  Speaker 3: does it.
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  Speaker 4: It doesn't, and especially with young kids, it doesn't look
• 4:58
  Speaker 4: at all very messy and looks like the children at
• 5:01
  Speaker 4: times are ruling the roost.
• 5:03
  Speaker 3: This is what Kelly Scott had to say in her
• 5:05
  Speaker 3: perspective piece in ABC every Day. She said, I've seen
• 5:08
  Speaker 3: commenters accusing the parents of raising quote, self centered snowflakes,
• 5:12
  Speaker 3: close quote or admonishing children for needing to be disciplined,
• 5:16
  Speaker 3: to be prepared for the real world. And that's just
• 5:19
  Speaker 3: the tip of the iceberg. She has actually just shared
• 5:20
  Speaker 3: the plant ones because there were some pretty horrible stuff
• 5:22
  Speaker 3: that was said out there. And here's what she adds
• 5:25
  Speaker 3: in this piece, and we will link to this in
• 5:26
  Speaker 3: the show notes. It's so important. She says, some of
• 5:29
  Speaker 3: the participants on the show, along with the viewers, have
• 5:31
  Speaker 3: slammed the gentle parents for their softer techniques, making statements
• 5:34
  Speaker 3: like the children have no respect for their mum, or dad,
• 5:37
  Speaker 3: I get a quick quote here, co host Justin Coilson
• 5:39
  Speaker 3: and Australian Parenting XP but responded to the flat they've received.
• 5:42
  Speaker 3: Doctor Coulson wrote on Facebook that critics don't understand that
• 5:45
  Speaker 3: it's a long game of building a relationship of trust
• 5:47
  Speaker 3: that invests in the child's future. He also writes the
• 5:50
  Speaker 3: very few parenting styles like those featured on the show
• 5:53
  Speaker 3: are backed by science, but we know that aspects of
• 5:55
  Speaker 3: gentle parenting are, and then she shares this research have
• 5:58
  Speaker 3: listened to this eat up. I studied more than a
• 6:01
  Speaker 3: thousand pairs of children and mothers. Found children whose mothers
• 6:03
  Speaker 3: responded with sensitivity in the first three years of life
• 6:07
  Speaker 3: had better social skills at age fifteen and also perform
• 6:10
  Speaker 3: better academically.
• 6:11
  Speaker 4: I have two thoughts on this. The first, why are
• 6:13
  Speaker 4: we in such a hurry for our kids to grow up?
• 6:16
  Speaker 3: Yeah? And what are we so worried about this snowflaked anyway? Sorry?
• 6:19
  Speaker 3: What's your other thing?
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  Speaker 4: Why do we have to introduce our kids to the
• 6:23
  Speaker 4: coldness of the world in our own homes in an
• 6:27
  Speaker 4: effort to prepare them for what might happen. I had
• 6:30
  Speaker 4: this really cool experience and it feels like it's a
• 6:32
  Speaker 4: little bit of a tangent, but it's not. I teach
• 6:34
  Speaker 4: a class for sixteen and seventeen year olds at church
• 6:37
  Speaker 4: on a Sunday, and I introduce them to devilish dilemmas.
• 6:41
  Speaker 4: It's a little card game, and it just gives them
• 6:44
  Speaker 4: this or that would you do this or that? The
• 6:46
  Speaker 4: question was, if you had a complete facial muscular malfunction,
• 6:51
  Speaker 4: would you choose to smile for the rest of your
• 6:54
  Speaker 4: life you could not not smile, or would you choose
• 6:59
  Speaker 4: to not smile forever? What would you choose?
• 7:02
  Speaker 3: You know me well enough to know exactly what I
• 7:04
  Speaker 3: would choose. What did you What do you think the
• 7:06
  Speaker 3: kids chose. I would imagine you're talking about sixteen and
• 7:10
  Speaker 3: seventeen year olds. I reckon there'd be a fifty to
• 7:13
  Speaker 3: fifty split. I think some would be very happy to smile,
• 7:16
  Speaker 3: but I can imagine that there would be some stick
• 7:17
  Speaker 3: in the mud to be like, yeah, I'm not going
• 7:19
  Speaker 3: to smile. I'm just going to tough it out.
• 7:21
  Speaker 4: The entire class, literally, I had nine kids in the class,
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  Speaker 4: and every single one of them chose to not smile.
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  Speaker 3: Wow. Wow.
• 7:29
  Speaker 4: They asked me for the rest of their lives, they
• 7:31
  Speaker 4: would choose not to smile. Now, if I had it
• 7:33
  Speaker 4: been doctor Justin Colson, I would have given them all
• 7:35
  Speaker 4: the psychological research, yes, that would tell them why choosing
• 7:39
  Speaker 4: that would have made them absolutely miserable.
• 7:41
  Speaker 3: I've just had a thought. Your name is Kylie. You
• 7:43
  Speaker 3: had to choose to be smiling. Smiley, Kylie? Is that
• 7:46
  Speaker 3: what you said? Did you say you'd be smiling?
• 7:47
  Speaker 4: I did say, Kyle.
• 7:49
  Speaker 3: Has anyone ever called you smiley? Kylie?
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: Yes?
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  Speaker 3: Still?
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  Speaker 4: My nan and Pop actually had a dog and he
• 7:54
  Speaker 4: had two teeth that stuck up so it made him
• 7:57
  Speaker 4: look like he had a smile, and they called him smiley. Right,
• 8:01
  Speaker 4: And so yes, I've been called smiley, Kylie Lantz.
• 8:03
  Speaker 3: I've never We've been married for twenty five and a
• 8:06
  Speaker 3: half years. I've never called you smiley.
• 8:08
  Speaker 4: I'm glad.
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  Speaker 3: Okay, well I certainly won't start now. But you chose
• 8:11
  Speaker 3: to be smiling? And what was your rationale? And what
• 8:13
  Speaker 3: say got to do with gentle parenting? And Larissa Remarcus.
• 8:16
  Speaker 4: I chose to smile. And the comment was, so if
• 8:19
  Speaker 4: your mom died, you would choose to smile, And I
• 8:23
  Speaker 4: just said, you know what, if it's the choice between
• 8:26
  Speaker 4: smiling or not. I'm going to pick smiling every time
• 8:30
  Speaker 4: because I know that I feel better when I smile. Yes,
• 8:34
  Speaker 4: but other people feel better. And So if we go
• 8:37
  Speaker 4: back to what we were talking about, why is it
• 8:40
  Speaker 4: that I have to make my kids world miserable so
• 8:43
  Speaker 4: that they can accept and understand what's going to be
• 8:45
  Speaker 4: out there. Why would I not do everything I can
• 8:49
  Speaker 4: to provide them with an environment that is loving, supportive,
• 8:53
  Speaker 4: and compassionate and help them be the same to the world,
• 9:00
  Speaker 4: to the world. Why would I not want that for
• 9:01
  Speaker 4: my kids?
• 9:02
  Speaker 3: Well, I just I love what you're saying. And what
• 9:04
  Speaker 3: I also love is that Parental Guidance is still creating
• 9:07
  Speaker 3: conversations even a month after a month and a half
• 9:09
  Speaker 3: after it was on TV. The stuff that happened there
• 9:12
  Speaker 3: is so good. You can still see it on nine now.
• 9:13
  Speaker 3: By the way, the show is still available Parental Guidance
• 9:16
  Speaker 3: Season two on nine now, Kylie. The last thing that
• 9:22
  Speaker 3: I want to talk about today is something that came
• 9:25
  Speaker 3: off TikTok that has blown up, but jillions of people
• 9:28
  Speaker 3: have watched it and it involves a little bit of
• 9:30
  Speaker 3: mum shaming, but it is big news. It's incredible how
• 9:32
  Speaker 3: TikTok and social media have actually started to make news.
• 9:35
  Speaker 3: Like social media is so impactful. But there's this incident
• 9:40
  Speaker 3: that occurred. I'm going to play a fifty eight second
• 9:43
  Speaker 3: piece that comes from cat Stickler on TikTok. This piece
• 9:47
  Speaker 3: has generated fifty seven thousand comments fifty seven thousand comments
• 9:53
  Speaker 3: on TikTok. It has gone absolutely viral, and it has
• 9:56
  Speaker 3: made news headlines all over the place. One of the
• 9:59
  Speaker 3: things that I hated social media and TikTok is that
• 10:01
  Speaker 3: some people don't use their own voice. They use that
• 10:03
  Speaker 3: robot voice. And that's what she's done. She's recorded it
• 10:06
  Speaker 3: but then had the robot voice to it instead. But
• 10:09
  Speaker 3: let me play what happened if you can deal with
• 10:12
  Speaker 3: the robot voice. And I'm just gonna say this, No cake,
• 10:16
  Speaker 3: That's all I'm gonna say. No cake.
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: I'm going to mom shamed. Only people I've ever mom
• 10:20
  Speaker 2: shamed are myself and my own mother, but one other
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: mom is going to be added to the list. Actually,
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: I'm not even this is a question, am I entitled?
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: Or was this messed up? Two hours ago? Literally right now,
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: MK and I were at the park in my neighborhood
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: and it was us in this birthday group. Right, so
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: literally just us and this birthday group. These kids are
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: having their birthday party.
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: MP.
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: He's playing them for like what half an hour. They're
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: making friends.
• 10:41
  Speaker 4: It was nice.
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: It was actually very cute time to seeing happy birthday. Okay,
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: goes over. She's one of the group right now, all right,
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: they're welcoming her with open arms or so, I thought
• 10:49
  Speaker 2: I was wrong. Time to eat cake. I see MK,
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: I see her intention of grabbing a piece of cake,
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: so I like walk over to make sure it's okay.
• 10:57
  Speaker 2: As a formality. Honestly, I was like, obviously it's okay.
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: It's cake.
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: It's a massive cake. There's lots of back job in pieces.
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: The mother kicks the plate away from m can gets
• 11:06
  Speaker 2: down to her level, says, you cannot eat this cake. Okay,
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: this is not your birthday party. These are not your friends.
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: Where's your mother?
• 11:14
  Speaker 3: And that's the piece. So, in case that didn't quite
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: make sense because of the weird accent and the robotic voice,
• 11:21
  Speaker 3: you're at the park with your kiddo toddler and there's
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: a birthday party happening, and your toddler starts hanging out
• 11:26
  Speaker 3: with all the other toddlers and then they sing Happy birthday,
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: and the cake gets cut and your toddler's still there,
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: and then the mumm nails down in front of your
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: toppler and says, you can't have this cake. This is
• 11:36
  Speaker 3: not your cake, These are not your friends, It is
• 11:37
  Speaker 3: not your party. Where's your mum? Blows up on social media?
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: It makes the news. It's in national headlines everywhere. And
• 11:45
  Speaker 3: yet as much as I wanted to shake my head
• 11:47
  Speaker 3: and say this Cake Gates story is not news, it
• 11:51
  Speaker 3: kind of is. It's definitely paring news. It's one of
• 11:53
  Speaker 3: those parenting dilemmas that just goes nuts, and it's been
• 11:57
  Speaker 3: in parenting chat groups all over the place. So I
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: want to ask you, do you have an opinion on this?
• 12:02
  Speaker 3: Like when you hear that story, do you want to
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: get involved? Do you just roll your eyes and say, oh,
• 12:06
  Speaker 3: social media? Doing social media again? What's your response? And
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: in fairness to you, you have not heard this until
• 12:13
  Speaker 3: right now, So I'm really just as a mum who's
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: raised six kids and been in the park in plenty
• 12:17
  Speaker 3: of odd situations. I know I'm kind of putting you
• 12:20
  Speaker 3: on the spot with this, but what's your response?
• 12:23
  Speaker 4: I'm torn because I actually really hate how social media
• 12:27
  Speaker 4: blows things up and takes things out of context sometimes
• 12:32
  Speaker 4: and it creates I want to say hate, Like there's
• 12:36
  Speaker 4: just there is so much negativity that comes from this,
• 12:39
  Speaker 4: but there's also some really important conversations to be had.
• 12:43
  Speaker 4: So that's where I'm torn because I have watched this
• 12:46
  Speaker 4: play out in different ways over the years, sometimes with
• 12:50
  Speaker 4: our kids, sometimes just as a bystander, and it's heartbreaking
• 12:54
  Speaker 4: and it kind of goes back to that conversation would
• 12:56
  Speaker 4: you rather smile or not smile? It's the same pre
• 13:00
  Speaker 4: Do I want to be kind to the world and
• 13:03
  Speaker 4: the way I project myself into the world, or do
• 13:06
  Speaker 4: I want to teach kids that they can't always have
• 13:08
  Speaker 4: what they want?
• 13:10
  Speaker 3: Why?
• 13:11
  Speaker 4: Why some of my best friends I made at the
• 13:14
  Speaker 4: park because my kid hung out with their kid for
• 13:17
  Speaker 4: half an hour. Yeah, you know, you meet people, you
• 13:21
  Speaker 4: make a difference in the world, and even if it's
• 13:23
  Speaker 4: only for half an hour, I'd rather be that person.
• 13:26
  Speaker 3: So I've got a really quick hot take on this,
• 13:28
  Speaker 3: and it's as follows. As a parent, when you're in
• 13:30
  Speaker 3: the park and your kids are playing, it's if they
• 13:33
  Speaker 3: start playing with other people's kids, it's usually nice just
• 13:37
  Speaker 3: to say hi to the other parents, even if they're
• 13:39
  Speaker 3: in a group, just hey, my little one's playing with yours.
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: Is that okay? I know you guys are having a party,
• 13:43
  Speaker 3: So maybe mum might be a little bit more proactive
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: rather than doing the mum shame on the other parent. Like,
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: there is a level of personal responsibility here, and I
• 13:50
  Speaker 3: know it's not always going to work out that way,
• 13:52
  Speaker 3: but I'm I'm just saying it's nice to acknowledge the
• 13:54
  Speaker 3: other people when your kids are playing with their kids.
• 13:57
  Speaker 3: But there's a second element to this as well from
• 14:00
  Speaker 3: my point of view, and that is it's not that
• 14:02
  Speaker 3: hard to be nice to a three year old. And
• 14:05
  Speaker 3: even if even if she wanted to say, you can't
• 14:08
  Speaker 3: have any of the cake, kiddo, because this is just
• 14:11
  Speaker 3: for everyone who's at the party. The whole idea of
• 14:13
  Speaker 3: these are not your friends. This is not your cake.
• 14:15
  Speaker 3: Like you can reject somebody nicely or you can just
• 14:19
  Speaker 3: slam them, And it sounds like this mum is just
• 14:21
  Speaker 3: slammed this kid.
• 14:22
  Speaker 4: At the end of the day, I don't think we're
• 14:24
  Speaker 4: suggesting that you have to give someone cake if you
• 14:26
  Speaker 4: don't want to give them cake.
• 14:27
  Speaker 3: Oh, let the meat cake, Let the meat cake, come on.
• 14:30
  Speaker 4: But we can be kind in the way that we
• 14:33
  Speaker 4: excl You can't, that's not what it be.
• 14:37
  Speaker 3: But you can. You can actually say to somebody, oh,
• 14:40
  Speaker 3: let's just go and check with your mum. Let's take
• 14:42
  Speaker 3: you back to your mum because we're going to do
• 14:43
  Speaker 3: the cake now for everyone who's at the party, Like,
• 14:45
  Speaker 3: there are coind time to go back to mum. That's right,
• 14:48
  Speaker 3: there are kind and gentle ways to do this. So
• 14:50
  Speaker 3: I think, just give it a cake, let them let
• 14:53
  Speaker 3: me cake. Yeah, what's what's that hole that that saying?
• 14:56
  Speaker 3: My dad just say to me all the time, you
• 14:58
  Speaker 3: can't have your cake and eat it too, And I'd
• 14:59
  Speaker 3: be like, why not? Like I want my cake and
• 15:02
  Speaker 3: I want to eat it. What's the point of having
• 15:03
  Speaker 3: a cake if you don't eat the cake? Anyway? That's
• 15:06
  Speaker 3: this Week in Parenting. The Happy Family's podcast is produced
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: by Justin Roland for Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our
• 15:11
  Speaker 3: executive producer. I think that the real solution to all
• 15:14
  Speaker 3: of this Week in Parenting stuff is just be nice,
• 15:16
  Speaker 3: just be kind, and remember, as Kim Kardashian.
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: Says, you are never prepared.
• 15:21
  Speaker 3: Thank you, Guru, Kim. More information about making your family
• 15:24
  Speaker 3: happy at Keeping Up with the Kardashians. No, I'm just kidding.
• 15:28
  Speaker 3: At The Happy Family's website, Happy families dot com, dot you,
• 15:30
  Speaker 3: or our Facebook page. Dr Justin Gilson's Happy Families