Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S1 Ep12: 42 Minutes Comedy / The Early Bird Special 🤣

Transcript

S1 Ep12: 42 Minutes Comedy / The Early Bird Special 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

0:00
SPEAKER_00: Took a quiz on Facebook called What's Your Spirit Animal?
0:03
SPEAKER_00: I got extinct.
0:09
SPEAKER_00: I have an inner child, but I don't think it's mine.
0:14
SPEAKER_00: I had a colonoscopy, and when it was over, they said, We'll see you in ten years.
0:20
SPEAKER_00: And I thought, the fuck you will.
0:34
SPEAKER_00: I'm woke for about another five hours.
0:40
SPEAKER_00: Um, I tried using that face aging app.
0:46
SPEAKER_00: They said, now you're good.
0:53
SPEAKER_00: I have a seventy-three percent hearing loss.
0:59
SPEAKER_00: I mean, what good is a safe word if you're deaf?
1:14
SPEAKER_00: A friend called me old feller.
1:16
SPEAKER_00: I thought he said old yeller and I bit him.
1:21
SPEAKER_00: My crowd work was terrible.
1:25
SPEAKER_00: I asked an audience member where he was from.
1:28
SPEAKER_00: He said, My mama, I heard Miami and said I've been there.
1:40
SPEAKER_00: My butt is shrinking.
1:51
SPEAKER_00: You can't tell, but right now I'm twerking.
1:58
SPEAKER_00: Last night I sat on the toilet, slipped right in.
2:05
SPEAKER_00: I told someone to kiss my ass.
2:07
SPEAKER_00: He said, Where is it?
2:11
SPEAKER_00: I participate in sports, specifically mixed martial arts and crafts.
2:18
SPEAKER_00: I fight under the name Cray Cray Crochet.
2:28
SPEAKER_00: I lost a tooth.
2:30
SPEAKER_00: Turns out it was in the glass of water with the rest of my teeth.
2:38
SPEAKER_00: I talked too loud.
2:39
SPEAKER_00: The other night I asked a lady out and three different women yelled no.
2:49
SPEAKER_00: Here's something new I learned.
2:50
SPEAKER_00: Metrosexual isn't two people screwing on the bus.
3:02
SPEAKER_00: Somebody should have told me that the phrase a minute was being used ironically.
3:08
SPEAKER_00: I was having dinner with a woman, she said, I haven't had sex in a minute, and I said, Holy crap, is there somebody under the table?
3:23
SPEAKER_00: The uh wardrobe tonight is from a new line of clothing at Old Navy called Older Navy.
3:33
SPEAKER_00: Few years I'll be shopping at Oldest Navy.
3:38
SPEAKER_00: And then burial at sea.
3:57
SPEAKER_00: God damn dog.
4:05
SPEAKER_00: I cut this finger open in a can of whoop ass.
4:13
SPEAKER_00: I was on the internet researching my family history.
4:17
SPEAKER_00: Turns out I'm Scotch Irish on my mom's side, scotch and soda on my dad's.
4:25
SPEAKER_00: I am a recovering alcoholic, 34 years sober.
4:31
SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
4:35
SPEAKER_00: There were a lot of one-night stands back in the day.
4:37
SPEAKER_00: Here's how it would go.
4:38
SPEAKER_00: I would get drunk, meet a woman, go back to my place, have sex, call myself a cab, leave.
4:44
SPEAKER_00: Remember, it was my place.
4:50
SPEAKER_00: I was a quiet drunk.
4:52
SPEAKER_00: Some people would say passed out.
4:58
SPEAKER_00: The haters.
5:04
SPEAKER_00: One night I got drunk and passed out in a neighbor's front yard when I came to us part of a yard sale.
5:17
SPEAKER_00: I was a blackout drunk.
5:19
SPEAKER_00: Now I have senior moments.
5:22
SPEAKER_00: I can't catch a break.
5:25
SPEAKER_00: I spent most of my life asking questions of total strangers.
5:28
SPEAKER_00: Questions like you tell me you're the cop.
5:38
SPEAKER_00: The great love of my life I met in a bar.
5:42
SPEAKER_00: We met when I fell off my bar stool.
5:45
SPEAKER_00: She was already on the floor.
5:50
SPEAKER_00: One night that lady asked me to spank her.
5:54
SPEAKER_00: I asked her why.
5:55
SPEAKER_00: She said I'm into discipline.
5:56
SPEAKER_00: So instead of spanking her, I made her go stand in the corner.
6:04
SPEAKER_00: Who's your grandpa?
6:14
SPEAKER_00: That was a difficult relationship.
6:18
SPEAKER_00: She had multiple personalities, and I'm bad with names.
6:40
SPEAKER_00: Like any drunk, I thought I could manage my drinking.
6:46
SPEAKER_00: I remember after one particularly rough weekend, on Monday, I decided I would only drink after dark.
6:52
SPEAKER_00: Tuesday I bought curtains.
6:59
SPEAKER_00: In college, I wrote a paper entitled The History of Public Intoxication in the United States of America from colonial times to early this morning.
7:15
SPEAKER_00: I flunked out of college twice.
7:19
SPEAKER_00: First time because I was a drunk.
7:21
SPEAKER_00: Second time I was sober, but the shit was hard.
7:31
SPEAKER_00: I had a favorite drinking game.
7:33
SPEAKER_00: My favorite drinking game was called um Leave Me the Fuck Alone.
7:40
SPEAKER_00: Rules were real simple.
7:44
SPEAKER_00: All you needed was a pack of Marlboro Reds and a Jack Daniels on the rocks.
7:49
SPEAKER_00: Actually, that's all I needed.
7:50
SPEAKER_00: All you needed was to leave me the fuck alone.
8:01
SPEAKER_00: I love drinking during the holidays.
8:04
SPEAKER_00: I get drunk and go trick-or-treating.
8:07
SPEAKER_00: Every holiday I would get drunk and go trick-or-treating, which made for not Arbor Day in my neighborhood.
8:19
SPEAKER_00: I would get drunk before the show.
8:21
SPEAKER_00: Not my show, Good Morning America.
8:29
SPEAKER_00: I was on uh what I call my military diet, Captain Morgan and Captain Crunch.
8:40
SPEAKER_00: I got arrested for drunk driving.
8:43
SPEAKER_00: Not only was I drunk, but I've been smoking hash.
8:47
SPEAKER_00: When I took the breath elacer test, I inhaled, tried to pass it to the cop.
8:57
SPEAKER_00: YOLO.
9:03
SPEAKER_00: So I was arrested, pled guilty for my community service.
9:07
SPEAKER_00: I left the community.
9:11
SPEAKER_00: My first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting did not go well.
9:15
SPEAKER_00: I mean, it's anonymous, right?
9:17
SPEAKER_00: I wore a ski mask.
9:24
SPEAKER_00: The 1970s were a great time to be a drunk.
9:28
SPEAKER_00: When making a phone call, you didn't have to dial the area code first.
9:32
SPEAKER_00: Those extra three numbers would have fucked me up pretty good.
9:42
SPEAKER_00: I'm going to give y'all some good advice.
9:44
SPEAKER_00: No, I'm going to give y'all some great advice.
9:47
SPEAKER_00: If you're ever lying in bed drunk and the room is spinning, anybody know what I'm.
9:53
SPEAKER_00: Okay, you know.
9:54
SPEAKER_00: Okay, I'm going to give you some great advice.
9:56
SPEAKER_00: If you're ever lying in bed drunk and the room is spinning, don't try to stand up.
10:01
SPEAKER_00: Roll off the bed onto the floor and crawl in the direction of the spin.
10:12
SPEAKER_00: Don't crawl against a spin.
10:15
SPEAKER_00: You crawl against a spin, you end up right back in bed.
10:18
SPEAKER_00: What the fuck is the po oh sorry?
10:23
SPEAKER_00: I apologize for that.
10:28
SPEAKER_00: Smoked a lot of pot back then.
10:32
SPEAKER_00: Back then you could get real high just standing next to me.
10:36
SPEAKER_00: I had street value.
10:40
SPEAKER_00: At my draft physical, my blood pressure was one twenty over Groovy.
10:46
SPEAKER_00: I did LSD.
10:50
SPEAKER_00: Was able to see 40 years into my future.
10:54
SPEAKER_00: I was taking a nap.
11:00
SPEAKER_00: Nailed it.
11:09
SPEAKER_00: I had an acid flashback while I was suffering from acid reflux.
11:18
SPEAKER_00: For six hours I thought I was a spicy buffalo wing.
11:30
SPEAKER_00: In the eighties, I had the obligatory cocaine habit.
11:34
SPEAKER_00: Ugly drug.
11:35
SPEAKER_00: Ugly drug, but it did give me the necessary focus and energy I needed to stay up all night grinding my teeth.
11:49
SPEAKER_00: I went to an ecstasy party and I was hugging everybody because my last name is Huggins.
11:56
SPEAKER_00: Unfortunately, I tried to hug somebody whose last name was Shank.
12:04
SPEAKER_00: I quit doing drugs in 1985.
12:07
SPEAKER_00: I wanted to focus on my drinking.
12:29
SPEAKER_00: I'm an idiot, he knows I'm an idiot, but a user's manual?
12:38
SPEAKER_00: What the fuck, Jimmy?
12:40
SPEAKER_00: What I need.
12:50
SPEAKER_00: Walking can be difficult for me at times.
12:52
SPEAKER_00: I do worry about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet.
12:56
SPEAKER_00: I also worry about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
13:07
SPEAKER_00: I read that at my age, if you fall down, you're likely to fall down a second time.
13:14
SPEAKER_00: So if I fall down, I'm not getting up.
13:18
SPEAKER_00: What's the fucking point?
13:24
SPEAKER_00: Do y'all know those uh bathtub appliques you put on the bathtub floor to keep from slipping?
13:30
SPEAKER_00: When I do walk, I toss them ahead of me.
13:37
SPEAKER_00: That's also how I find my way home.
13:44
SPEAKER_00: A uh friend on Facebook suggested I get a bicycle.
13:50
SPEAKER_00: That friend's been blocked.
13:56
SPEAKER_00: I do exercise.
13:57
SPEAKER_00: I start every morning with 10 minutes of coughing in place, followed by 15 minutes of CPR.
14:09
SPEAKER_00: I've quit a lot of bad habits.
14:11
SPEAKER_00: For instance, with the help of nicotine gum, I was able to quit the patch.
14:19
SPEAKER_00: And with the help of cigarettes, I was able to quit nicotine gum.
14:27
SPEAKER_00: I uh I was a heavy smoker.
14:31
SPEAKER_00: I'd even smoke when I went jogging, which is stupid, of course.
14:36
SPEAKER_00: So I quit jogging.
14:43
SPEAKER_00: I tell you what, I'd love smoking cigarettes.
14:46
SPEAKER_00: I'd smoke after sex, I'd smoke during sex.
14:49
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I would skip sex and just smoke cigarettes.
14:56
SPEAKER_00: I am officially an old man.
15:00
SPEAKER_00: I give unwanted advice to total strangers.
15:07
SPEAKER_00: I told a kid to pull his pants up, his underwear was showing.
15:10
SPEAKER_00: He mocked me, tried to give me a wedgie, but the joke was on him, I was wearing the pens.
15:24
SPEAKER_00: I'm not on Twitter, but I will stop people on the street and tell them shit they're not interested in.
15:39
SPEAKER_00: That's hashtag where you go in the hashtag I'm not done talking.
15:45
SPEAKER_00: Hashtag catch these hands.
15:50
SPEAKER_00: I'm not into sex style, but I will stop people on the street and show them shit they're not interested in.
16:00
SPEAKER_00: That's hashtag don't call the cops.
16:05
SPEAKER_00: I'm begging you, please don't call the cops.
16:11
SPEAKER_00: I uh got a brochure in the mail for a prepaid cremation.
16:18
SPEAKER_00: No, no, it's a great deal.
16:20
SPEAKER_00: If you die in the fire, you get half your money back.
16:32
SPEAKER_00: Thinking of getting a tattoo.
16:35
SPEAKER_00: Just not sure what kind of one to get yet.
16:36
SPEAKER_00: I'm thinking maybe barbed wire, a dagger, my home address.
16:50
SPEAKER_00: It's tough getting over.
16:54
SPEAKER_00: Looked up, saw that light, started to walk towards it.
17:05
SPEAKER_00: Went into an antique store, they wouldn't let me leave.
17:16
SPEAKER_00: I asked Siri a question about my life expectancy, and she changed the subject.
17:26
SPEAKER_00: There's some advantages to be my age.
17:29
SPEAKER_00: Frequently, people will stand and offer me their seat, which is great on the bus, a little creepy in the men's room.
17:42
SPEAKER_00: I can now ride the city buses of Houston for free.
17:49
SPEAKER_00: So, ladies, I can be anywhere in four and a half hours.
18:02
SPEAKER_00: I have a hobby.
18:03
SPEAKER_00: I Google diseases and their symptoms.
18:09
SPEAKER_00: Evidently, I died four days ago, which makes this pretty impressive.
18:18
SPEAKER_00: I also like to get in the express line at the grocery store and count items in other people's baskets.
18:28
SPEAKER_00: Oh, I don't think so, lady.
18:33
SPEAKER_00: Not on my watch.
18:38
SPEAKER_00: You take your scooter and scoot.
18:48
SPEAKER_00: I went to the doctor because I thought I had arthritis.
18:52
SPEAKER_00: I don't.
18:53
SPEAKER_00: I have early onset rigor mortis.
19:07
SPEAKER_00: A friend asked me if I wanted to participate in the adopt a grandparent program.
19:12
SPEAKER_00: I said, sure.
19:13
SPEAKER_00: Now I have a ninety-five-year-old man on my hands.
19:26
SPEAKER_00: I'd love to be a grandfather, but I don't even have children.
19:30
SPEAKER_00: I need to get busy.
19:37
SPEAKER_00: Ladies, I can be anywhere in four and a half hours.
19:50
SPEAKER_00: Every time I leave my apartment, I have to go back because I forgot something.
19:56
SPEAKER_00: Tonight I reap for my wallet.
19:57
SPEAKER_00: Would you know it?
19:58
SPEAKER_00: I forgot my pants.
20:06
SPEAKER_00: I found this new technique which has improved my memory.
20:10
SPEAKER_00: I quit listening to people so I have less shit to remember.
20:19
SPEAKER_00: I the other day got involved in an incident of sidewalk rage.
20:28
SPEAKER_00: I'm walking this way, guy my age walking back the opposite direction.
20:33
SPEAKER_00: We're both talking to ourselves out loud.
20:38
SPEAKER_00: I think he called me Gandalf, I'm not sure.
20:44
SPEAKER_00: Anyway, it was on.
20:49
SPEAKER_00: We threw down.
20:52
SPEAKER_00: Our cardigans.
20:56
SPEAKER_00: Police had to break it up, which was a good thing because I was on the verge of being able to make a fist.
21:07
SPEAKER_00: I tell you what, there are a couple of people.
21:09
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, when you get to be my age, time just starts to fucking fly by.
21:15
SPEAKER_00: It's amazing.
21:15
SPEAKER_00: It's amazing, right there, somebody agreeing.
21:18
SPEAKER_00: Seems like only yesterday I was on the playgrounds of Virginia, shooting hoops, balling.
21:28
SPEAKER_00: That's two L's.
21:31
SPEAKER_00: Not WL.
21:33
SPEAKER_00: Throwing down slam dunks, one-handed, two-handed, people chant my nickname.
21:40
SPEAKER_00: Black Jesus.
21:50
SPEAKER_00: I'm tired.
21:51
SPEAKER_00: I mean, sorry, I got no sleep at all last night.
21:53
SPEAKER_00: The people in the apartment next to me were having a party, loud music, raucous conversation.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: Went on seemingly forever.
22:01
SPEAKER_00: I mean, for God's sakes, it's nine o'clock at night.
22:07
SPEAKER_00: And I had to be up in twelve hours.
22:13
SPEAKER_00: Excuse me a second while I uh take care of some.
22:17
SPEAKER_00: I can put this on either um vibrator defibrillator.
22:21
SPEAKER_00: So I take this out to see what time it is, so I know how long I've been on, so I know when to get off.
22:32
SPEAKER_00: Here's the problem.
22:33
SPEAKER_00: If you don't look at the goddamn thing before you come on stage.
22:46
SPEAKER_00: Then eight oh four doesn't mean jack shit, quite frankly.
22:56
SPEAKER_00: I got uh spent what three minutes uh the other night looking for this while I was talking on it.
23:08
SPEAKER_00: And the idiot I was talking to was no help.
23:16
SPEAKER_00: He asked, Do you want me to give you a call?
23:24
SPEAKER_00: I uh love my uh iPhone, but just so pretty.
23:32
SPEAKER_00: The other night I got so angry at my iPhone, almost threw it against the back wall, and here's how crazy angry I was.
23:38
SPEAKER_00: I asked Siri if she had any last words.
23:45
SPEAKER_00: She did.
23:45
SPEAKER_00: She said I didn't have the balls.
23:53
SPEAKER_00: I didn't.
23:58
SPEAKER_00: I uh just broke up with my girlfriend Lori.
24:04
SPEAKER_00: She wants to see other people, and I hate company.
24:12
SPEAKER_00: We didn't have enough in common.
24:13
SPEAKER_00: Lori likes to go dancing.
24:15
SPEAKER_00: I like to stump my foot till I get some feeling back.
24:22
SPEAKER_00: I used the expression ahead of schedule.
24:24
SPEAKER_00: Lori preferred the word premature.
24:32
SPEAKER_00: Of course, we had to go to Facebook, change our relationship status.
24:36
SPEAKER_00: I have it's complicated.
24:38
SPEAKER_00: Lori has no, it ain't.
24:44
SPEAKER_00: This is the second time we've broken up.
24:47
SPEAKER_00: First time I caught her Googling assisted living.
24:54
SPEAKER_00: We met in a grocery store, my mind was wandering.
24:58
SPEAKER_00: I accidentally bumped into Lori.
25:00
SPEAKER_00: Lori got annoyed, said WTF.
25:02
SPEAKER_00: Said no, A-A-R-P.
25:13
SPEAKER_00: For our first date, we went out to dinner, or as Lori called it, lunch.
25:24
SPEAKER_00: I wanted to be fair with Lori, so I told her I was older than I looked.
25:29
SPEAKER_00: She said that's not possible.
25:34
SPEAKER_00: Our first night together was a disaster.
25:38
SPEAKER_00: Lori believes in the zombie apocalypse, and I forgot to tell her I sleepwalk.
25:49
SPEAKER_00: The sex was great.
25:51
SPEAKER_00: The bedroom could get noisy.
25:53
SPEAKER_00: I'd be yelling, sweet Jesus.
25:55
SPEAKER_00: Lori would yell, God, why hast thou forsaken me?
26:03
SPEAKER_00: And of course, at some point the nurse yells, Claire.
26:16
SPEAKER_00: That's what's known as a triage à toi.
26:32
SPEAKER_00: Lori loved role playing in the bedroom.
26:35
SPEAKER_00: Once before nights in a row, she was a different golden girl.
26:43
SPEAKER_00: Another time she was uh catwoman and I was Batman.
26:48
SPEAKER_00: Well, Alfred.
26:54
SPEAKER_00: A couple of nights later, she was Jackie Kennedy and I was uh Alfred.
27:02
SPEAKER_00: I just owned the one suit.
27:09
SPEAKER_00: In my favorite fantasy, Lori did a strip tease while I yelled at her to get off my front yard.
27:21
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we skip foreplay, went right to intercourse.
27:24
SPEAKER_00: We call that the senior citizen discount.
27:32
SPEAKER_00: Some nights didn't go well in the bedroom.
27:36
SPEAKER_00: Rory didn't hesitate to let me know.
27:38
SPEAKER_00: One morning I woke up and my body was outlined in chalk.
27:48
SPEAKER_00: There were pennies in my eyes.
27:56
SPEAKER_00: Rory came up with a new position.
27:58
SPEAKER_00: It's a variation on the reverse cowgirl.
28:02
SPEAKER_00: It's called the reverse mortgage.
28:10
SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of paperwork involved even.
28:15
SPEAKER_00: Kind of boring, quite frankly.
28:20
SPEAKER_00: One girlfriend got pissed off when we broke up.
28:24
SPEAKER_00: I don't own a car, so she keyed a metro bus.
28:32
SPEAKER_00: My very first date ever was uh my sophomore year in high school, the Sadie Hawkins Day dance.
28:43
SPEAKER_00: Girl asked me out because she heard I was easy.
28:47
SPEAKER_00: I started that rumor.
28:55
SPEAKER_00: That was back when I was proactive.
29:03
SPEAKER_00: I reached my sexual peak forty years ago.
29:09
SPEAKER_00: I'm down to one shade of gray.
29:18
SPEAKER_00: Two shades if I catch a nap in the afternoon.
29:25
SPEAKER_00: I love my fucking naps.
29:33
SPEAKER_00: I uh I take one fifteen-minute nap every hour.
29:39
SPEAKER_00: I call that rebooting.
29:42
SPEAKER_00: Sex is still exciting.
29:43
SPEAKER_00: I never know what's gonna happen first.
29:45
SPEAKER_00: The orgasm or the foot cramp.
29:50
SPEAKER_00: You want to get them both at the same time.
30:00
SPEAKER_00: I uh once dated a lady who wore camouflage pajamas and slept on camouflage bed sheets.
30:11
SPEAKER_00: Instead of foreplay, I had to go on reconnaissance.
30:19
SPEAKER_00: I was in bed with a cheerleader and she whispered in my ear, give me the D.
30:26
SPEAKER_00: I whispered in her ear, D, then waited for the next letter.
30:40
SPEAKER_00: So I'm back on the dating scene.
30:45
SPEAKER_00: I'm looking for a rich widow woman.
30:50
SPEAKER_00: I want to spend my twilight years to some lady's geezer toy.
30:56
SPEAKER_00: A geezer toy is like a boy toy, but with shorter hours.
31:02
SPEAKER_00: A lady asked me if I wanted to participate in a polyamorous relationship which involves multiple partners.
31:10
SPEAKER_00: I said, sure, but we're gonna need name tags.
31:18
SPEAKER_00: I participated in senior speed dating.
31:22
SPEAKER_00: Now in regular speed dating, you're sitting at a table with a woman, a bell rings, you move to another table, and senior speed dating, you're sitting at a table with a woman, a bell rings, you wake up, you yell at whoever keeps ringing that goddamn bell.
31:41
SPEAKER_00: Trying to take a nap here, pal.
31:49
SPEAKER_00: I'd love to be married.
31:51
SPEAKER_00: And at 72 years old, I'm ready to make a lifetime commitment.
32:02
SPEAKER_00: I want to be either married or adopted.
32:05
SPEAKER_00: One of y'all choose.
32:06
SPEAKER_00: I don't care.
32:08
SPEAKER_00: Okay, I just decided something because I do want to be in a relationship, but I don't have the focus or the energy to get onto the dating scene.
32:17
SPEAKER_00: So I will pay anybody fifty thousand dollars to find me a lady friend.
32:22
SPEAKER_00: Now she has to be kind, she has to be fun, and she has to be wealthy because I'm gonna owe somebody fifty thousand dollars.
32:37
SPEAKER_00: Earlier this uh, before I came up here tonight, I was talking to my neighbor, Barton gentleman, about my age, and he was telling me some bullshit story about being at Woodstock, which pissed me off, because that's my bullshit story.
32:56
SPEAKER_00: I had to go to my backup bullshit story, Apollo 13.
33:09
SPEAKER_00: We live in an interesting neighborhood.
33:13
SPEAKER_00: We don't have a neighborhood crime watch program.
33:16
SPEAKER_00: We do have a neighborhood Peeping Tom who helps out.
33:24
SPEAKER_00: Barton loves Judge Judy.
33:27
SPEAKER_00: Thinks she's hot.
33:29
SPEAKER_00: After every ruling, he yells, erection sustained.
33:38
SPEAKER_00: Barton's a big believer in conspiracies.
33:41
SPEAKER_00: He believed the government faked both the moon landing and his wife's orgasms.
33:49
SPEAKER_00: Barton and his wife uh Margaret recently remarried.
33:54
SPEAKER_00: When Margaret said, I do, Barton said, God damn it, not again.
34:01
SPEAKER_00: His grandson has a lot of body piercings, just nothing but metal hanging all over his body.
34:07
SPEAKER_00: He works as a wind shine.
34:17
SPEAKER_00: I have a nice apartment, have a lot of plants.
34:20
SPEAKER_00: Some people would say mold.
34:29
SPEAKER_00: The haters.
34:39
SPEAKER_00: My place is a pig sty.
34:41
SPEAKER_00: I have a maid that comes in once a week and cries.
34:47
SPEAKER_00: Well, no doubt about it.
34:50
SPEAKER_00: Y'all are a terrific audience.
34:53
SPEAKER_00: Not all, yeah, give yourselves a round of applause.
34:59
SPEAKER_00: Not all audiences are as uh terrific as y'all.
35:04
SPEAKER_00: Um a couple of prizes ago, a guy was talking during my act, which pissed me off because he is talking in his sleep.
35:17
SPEAKER_00: A lot of comics do very well.
35:19
SPEAKER_00: A lot of comics make what they call fuck you money.
35:22
SPEAKER_00: Enough money to tell the rest of the world fuck you.
35:26
SPEAKER_00: I'm currently making fuck me money.
35:34
SPEAKER_00: There were no uh open mics when I started.
35:39
SPEAKER_00: I had to do stand-up door to door.
35:47
SPEAKER_00: Took forever to set up the lights.
35:59
SPEAKER_00: And I give all the newcomers the same advice.
36:02
SPEAKER_00: Get the fuck away from me.
36:13
SPEAKER_00: Actually, I get along well with the comics here in Houston.
36:16
SPEAKER_00: They can't be overprotective.
36:17
SPEAKER_00: If I pause too long between jokes, they dial 911.
36:22
SPEAKER_00: I uh have done some acting.
36:26
SPEAKER_00: I was in a uh local production of West Side Story.
36:30
SPEAKER_00: I played Alfred.
36:40
SPEAKER_00: Boy, the other actors were pissed.
36:46
SPEAKER_00: I um have a very important summertime job with the weather channel.
36:54
SPEAKER_00: They tell me what the temperature is, and I tell them what it fucking feels like.
37:02
SPEAKER_00: I uh was on America's uh got talent uh about for you, thank you.
37:15
SPEAKER_00: About uh four years ago, and Mel B of the Spice Girls did not like my uh jokes, which was disappointing because I wanted to open for her group.
37:29
SPEAKER_00: I could have been Old Spice.
37:40
SPEAKER_00: I am uh blessed to be able to do stand-up at my age.
37:45
SPEAKER_00: They're problems from time to time.
37:48
SPEAKER_00: A couple of Saturdays ago, before I went on stage, I asked the club manager how much time do I have?
37:53
SPEAKER_00: He said can't be much.
37:57
SPEAKER_00: Y'all have been a delight.
37:58
SPEAKER_00: Thank you very much.
38:03
SPEAKER_00: Thank you, thank you.
38:07
SPEAKER_00: Thank you very much.
38:49
SPEAKER_00: Thank you very much.
38:50
SPEAKER_00: Um please uh I uh the the the goal was to do forty, forty-five minutes, which involved uh some two hundred jokes, and I told Slay, actually I told anybody that would listen.
39:05
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna forget some fucking jokes, there's no way.
39:10
SPEAKER_00: So we're gonna we're gonna I I think I think I got every one of them, but we're gonna go over this and see if indeed.
39:34
SPEAKER_00: First things first.
39:39
SPEAKER_00: I uh looking at this, oh here we go.
39:43
SPEAKER_00: I just had my favorite drink back at the bar, Red Bullet Med of Musle.
39:52
SPEAKER_00: If you want to order one, it's called Sex on the Beach, my ass.
40:01
SPEAKER_00: How the fuck did I forget that one?
40:04
SPEAKER_01: Oh well.
40:07
SPEAKER_00: You know, any other comic would have all this shit on their iPhone or something like legal pad and a uh and a ballpoint pen.
40:20
SPEAKER_00: Uh you know what?
40:21
SPEAKER_00: I'm not going to uh I think you know what?
40:25
SPEAKER_00: I think I remembered every fucking joke.
40:28
SPEAKER_00: This is uh no no no.
40:45
SPEAKER_00: Don't applaud because I did my goddamn job.
40:52
SPEAKER_00: Really, that shouldn't be uh that shouldn't be worthy of uh applause.
40:57
SPEAKER_00: Uh of course uh Lori would wear her hoodie, I would send my Snuggie.
41:04
SPEAKER_00: Glad I forgot that one.
41:06
SPEAKER_00: Um, here's one I forget to do every time.
41:15
SPEAKER_00: Um for me, the damned saying about sex is it's sometimes difficult to know when you're pleasing a woman sexually.
41:22
SPEAKER_00: Now I had this friend that what he does is he has his girlfriend recite the multiplication timetables during the act on the theory that if she's able to do simple math, then he's not performing up to par.
41:34
SPEAKER_00: Sounded good to me.
41:35
SPEAKER_00: I made the suggestion to Lori.
41:37
SPEAKER_00: She was able to do logarithms.
41:46
SPEAKER_00: She was into advanced calculus when I told her to shut the f.
41:57
SPEAKER_00: All my friends are comics, which means my funeral won't start on time.
42:08
SPEAKER_00: I love that joke.
42:08
SPEAKER_00: How could I forget that joke?