Latest / Dear Son, / Fathers Must Stay Emotionally Connected to Their Daughters | The Life of an Ada | Ep 176

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Fathers Must Stay Emotionally Connected to Their Daughters | The Life of an Ada | Ep 176 · Dear Son,

• 0:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome to the DS on show.
• 0:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: We have meaningful conversations about life through the lens of fatherhood Typically, but this is the month of March, so the women series is back.
• 0:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: We have an amazing guest, and I'm gonna do my best to not butcher her name We have Chica Oh, noon quote In the building.
• 0:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: How are you?
• 0:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: You got that right you didn't I got it right?
• 0:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, you did don't know how are you?
• 0:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm doing good.
• 0:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: Thank you for inviting me to your show this morning.
• 0:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: Absolutely.
• 0:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yes.
• 0:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Where are you?
• 0:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Where are you?
• 0:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Where are you looking?
• 0:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm actually in New Jersey.
• 0:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
• 0:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Jesse.
• 0:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 0:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm in the Northeast New Jersey.
• 0:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Pasey.
• 0:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: See you next.
• 0:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: We'll borrow?
• 0:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: No.
• 0:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, um, set up am I in the range?
• 0:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: No, that's north.
• 0:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I'm more central south.
• 0:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: So think Prince William Gordon town.
• 0:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, yeah.
• 0:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 0:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I ran out.
• 0:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 0:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I'm important town.
• 0:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: Not too far from.
• 0:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 1:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: We had an office in, um, in Martin, New Jersey when I was in Corkrey.
• 1:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I was in and out of, uh, I was in and out of Jersey.
• 1:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Quite a quite a bit.
• 1:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 1:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Is that where you were born and raised?
• 1:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: No.
• 1:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I was born in Nigeria.
• 1:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
• 1:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 1:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: And at 16, I moved here to go to college.
• 1:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: So my parents had a house in Philadelphia.
• 1:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I kind of moved to Philly, went to Seaton Hall, then went to Temple, got married, got to Jersey.
• 1:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: Gotcha.
• 1:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: What was life like?
• 1:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: What part of it?
• 1:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Not yet.
• 1:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: All I know is Abugia and Lagos.
• 1:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know much more than it.
• 1:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so those are like the big cities, right?
• 1:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then you have a city called Port Hackport, which is not as crowded as Lagos and Ambuja, but it's more like where the oil industry, anyone that works in the oil industry in Nigeria, they usually in Port Hackport, because Shell's a company.
• 2:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: No good.
• 2:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're situated there.
• 2:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: So yeah, it's used to be known as a garden city.
• 2:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's beautiful, small, you know.
• 2:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: Almost reminds me of like a little...
• 2:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: little beautiful city, but now it's not the same as it was in the 80s.
• 2:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: So it's a little different.
• 2:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: But yeah, that's kind of where I grew up.
• 2:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's interesting.
• 2:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: When I was in corporate, I was working for what was at the time the largest department of state, the contractor in Africa.
• 2:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I got real familiar with self-sharing Africa.
• 2:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: I never made it to Nigeria, but we had contracts in Niger,
• 2:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, all the way down to like Malawi, um, I've only been to Uganda, Djibouti, Malak, Ethiopia.
• 2:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Wow, Rwanda.
• 2:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: Now you're just showing off.
• 2:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: No, well, I've never been to any of this places really, except Ghana, Ghana.
• 3:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Ghana, I haven't been to Ghana.
• 3:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: I actually believe in my heart that I'm West African to send.
• 3:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: I haven't done the test while I'm just claiming it.
• 3:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: Somewhere between the engine maker, that's what my made up of.
• 3:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're proud of us.
• 3:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: We are, even in Jamaica, there are Africans to everyone's African, you know, for sure.
• 3:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's where we came from.
• 3:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I'm sure I'm seeing a little Nigerian maybe Ebo too, in you.
• 3:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Really?
• 3:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: So, my family and I we lived in Dubai for three years when I was managing that region for supply chain and everybody would tell my wife that she looks Ethiopian people from Ethiopian What tell it that I always got West African they thought my children were kind of from different places because they all have different kind of different skin tones.
• 4:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: And a multicultural, we say the U.S. is multicultural, but I felt like my time in Dubai and working directly with people from different countries and Africa gave me a different appreciation for what we don't actually get to understand from an American perspective.
• 4:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: What was your life like growing up there and what was the biggest transition for you coming to the States?
• 4:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: growing up in Nigeria or in Africa in general, but I'm just going to speak specifically about what hacker.
• 4:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's where I grew up.
• 4:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: It was beautiful, African general, Nigerian general, every doctor you go to, every sergeant you go to, every professor you go to, not every 99%.
• 4:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: Look like you, they're black.
• 4:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: So every engineer that you met or just pile it, everyone just looks like you.
• 4:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: So in my little head, that's what black you could do.
• 5:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is all we do, right?
• 5:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, granted, you still had some other people in Africa working, but majority of the time, when you go to a hospital, when you go to a school, where you go to, where you're bored and playing, they'll look like you.
• 5:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: So for me, that was normal.
• 5:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: And my dad definitely drove excellence.
• 5:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: My dad was a civil engineer.
• 5:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: And he did a lot of work, contract and work, which shall.
• 5:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's why we lived in Port Happen, because his company was there.
• 5:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: So we grew up in a household, watching my dad do thing.
• 5:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: He had like, he had a couple, you know, foreign employees.
• 5:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: And just the people around us were all doing very well.
• 5:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, and they all look like me and you.
• 5:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, after high school, I got to the airport, got here, granted that was not my first time in America because we would visit on holidays.
• 6:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, but I think the transition here when I was fully here was shocking because I saw a difference in how black people were looked
• 6:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: um here versus um Nigeria obviously we were the majority um and so everything we mean we didn't have that discrimination although a little bit tribal but that's for another day but just in general based on how you look outwardly.
• 6:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: you didn't, we didn't have any discrimination, but sheer definitely, I felt it.
• 6:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: I felt, I mean in my head, I'm thinking, box at Black Excellence, I'm well-educated and my parents are educated, like why you're looking me funny, but I had to adjust that.
• 6:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: Unfortunately, people are going to judge you by what they see outwardly.
• 7:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: So yeah, that was definitely a shock.
• 7:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: I did hear a lot of the, because I had an accent, I think are accent then.
• 7:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I did hear a lot of the, oh, you know, like the lion kind of jokes and all that stuff.
• 7:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: But yeah, that was a shock in, but I'm grateful that I grew up in the household where my dad can steal the lot of confidence.
• 7:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: That situation right there.
• 7:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, cold, Montyenne, all that did not break me.
• 7:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: It was me looking at you funny like, well, why would you say that?
• 7:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I have an accent, but no, I don't write around, you know, in the dust and all whatever they say.
• 7:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: But yeah, it was, it was shocking at first, but I wouldn't say it broke me, because I had a lot of confidence growing up because of my dad.
• 7:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: was the name calling in a funny looks from us or from others.
• 8:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: You want to go there?
• 8:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: It was, it was, it was from us, but I think from me, I think from me.
• 8:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know if it was serious, it was just joking, right?
• 8:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: We tend to joke a lot.
• 8:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't think it came from a place, I want to be honest, I don't think it came from a place of like, oh, I want to hurt your feelings.
• 8:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think it's just what people hear about Africa and just they jokingly say it, right?
• 8:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: What I'll think in how it impacts a person.
• 8:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I want to say, I don't think it came from a place of
• 8:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: hurt.
• 8:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: I just, or they're trying to discriminate against me.
• 8:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think it was just like, oh, I heard enough for a couple of bucks.
• 8:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I, for me, I think it's like they were joking.
• 8:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's how I, anyway, that's how I saw it.
• 8:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: No, those things defined me.
• 8:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: First of all, and that's a beautiful perspective.
• 9:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: I can say that there was ignorance, and the reason I can stand on saying it was ignorance, because I saw my ignorance when I started working.
• 9:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Supporting contracts in those countries, visiting, interacting, having employees, the coworkers that were from other countries.
• 9:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: And the reason I asked that is because, you know, I call the U.S. say the United States of arrogance at times because we we tend to go everywhere and expect people to adjust to us.
• 9:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we look at people funny when their their English is not what we think it is though.
• 9:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: We don't necessarily have a mastery of English in all cases store for another time, right?
• 9:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, you know.
• 9:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: by saying that you've committed to another conversation.
• 9:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I'm just going to store that.
• 9:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Okay.
• 9:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: But when I went to, when I visited, you've gone to a specific, what I was the first country that I landed in and spent time in, you know, I've been in airports and things like that, but actually working amongst people going to the markets.
• 10:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: I felt like people were looking at me strange, but in hindsight, I don't know if I was giving off my Americanism, you know what I'm saying, that was kind of right, right, and in,
• 10:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was interesting to me because it opened my eyes to, if I believe this about me being in somebody else's country, what have I done, or how do I present, how do I accept the United States people that don't appear to be from my country, or from my common background, or my norms.
• 10:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: You mentioned your their quite a few times in the course that was the that was in the the intent behind this conversation what what kind of man was he To you I know I told my sister is doing this podcast just randomly yesterday and she's like wow it's so app that You are talking about that and that this topic is about that and yeah I had a we're grew up in a family we're six
• 11:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: two boys and four girls and in Nigeria, the hierarchy or like the who you are from birth matters.
• 11:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I'm the oldest daughter and I'm called the ADA.
• 11:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that in the evil culture is very powerful, like the first boys are powerful, but in the first born girls are even more powerful if I'm to say that.
• 11:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I was born as the Ada and that comes with a lot of responsibility, but it's also very powerful to be Anada.
• 12:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: That didn't have a father, well, he's dad died when or was killed or whatever.
• 12:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's a story for another day.
• 12:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: But he's dad died when he was, I think he was about a year old.
• 12:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: Normally, you wouldn't expect someone like that that grew up without a father to have such a family instincts.
• 12:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: a loving man.
• 12:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: He provided for his kids.
• 12:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: And when you hear provide, most people think financially, which is true.
• 12:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: Certainly did.
• 12:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: We went to the best schools and would come visit America summertime, go to Disney World.
• 12:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he
• 12:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: He provided financially no doubt.
• 12:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: He paid for all our education from top to bottom, like college, professional, and everything.
• 12:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I definitely love my dad for that.
• 13:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: But then he provided emotional support.
• 13:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: He provided he was a good dad.
• 13:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: He spoke a life, I didn't know what words of affirmation was when I was little, but that's what my dad did.
• 13:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: He didn't want to hear you can't do this because you're a girl.
• 13:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: He empowered all four of us, sick all of the lioness, actually they called us lions, should be lioness, but anyway, they call us four lions because we were all very, very aware
• 13:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it tradition this sense that, yes, you're empowered.
• 13:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm powering you.
• 13:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm giving you education.
• 13:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: I want you to be the best you can.
• 13:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I also want you to remember your role if you do decide to get married.
• 13:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're supposed to be a woman that will honor her husband and respect her husband and not, you know,
• 14:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: be so proud that you think you're more, you guys are equal, you guys should work together.
• 14:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: He was very particular about that because, yeah, he always used to say, you know, go there, represent the family work hard on your husband, respect Charles Ben, and, you know, I don't want to hear anything from you guys, unless he gets physical with you.
• 14:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: Come back home, I got you.
• 14:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: So besides that, no one's perfect.
• 14:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: And just make your work.
• 14:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: But so I say that to say, my dad was a great man.
• 14:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: He grew up with nothing, obviously, he's that that one.
• 14:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: And he had to kind of send for the rest of his extended family because his mom went on to have more children.
• 15:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: And he was the first son.
• 15:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: So he also had that responsibility of the first son, which is, oh mama, I'm Adat, and he's okay.
• 15:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: So he had to take care of his mom, his siblings, they were eight in total.
• 15:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: And he did that, he did that gracefully.
• 15:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: He did that by working really hard.
• 15:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: He did that by, you know, believing in himself, like sometimes I wonder how someone in that kind of environment grew up, starting his own company, having different contracts with shell-building roads bridges,
• 15:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: He did things that even till date, I have a big shoot to see what we all say about.
• 15:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: We can't, I don't know that we can do that, but he did all that, but he's still never forgot where he came from.
• 15:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: He had like different, like, um, foundations, um,
• 15:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because you grew up with nothing, he just never forgot where he came from.
• 16:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yet, foundations for people in the villages to go to school, from elementary to college.
• 16:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: He built roads for his community for free.
• 16:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: He empowered different people.
• 16:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: to do different jobs.
• 16:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: He built one of his last dreams.
• 16:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: He always said this before.
• 16:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: He's like before I retire or I'm before I, you know, just kind of relaxed to see work hard or his life.
• 16:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: But he said, I want to build a church.
• 16:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: I want to renovate and build a huge church from my community.
• 16:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: I also want to bring the fact that he's a fate-filled man.
• 16:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: He's believed in that we're here to serve a purpose.
• 16:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're here to not only receive what to give back, and he did that every single day of his life.
• 17:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: He was like, perfect guy by any means.
• 17:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: My dad's sometimes who's driving us to church and so what cuts him off is like, what the fuck am I like that?
• 17:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: Can't see that.
• 17:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: He's like, well, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
• 17:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: But he was a, he was a loving father, and he was a kind man.
• 17:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's my dad.
• 17:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: What is, what did you learn most from the things that he did and say from his character?
• 17:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, he didn't say, my dad never complained about working hard.
• 17:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: He just felt like that's what needed to be done.
• 17:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: He never complained about,
• 17:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: Um, my mom being a stay home mom.
• 17:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: She was a stay home mom.
• 17:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: Um, he never complained about anything he did, but I know, yes, he didn't say that the burden is heavy, but I believe it was for him.
• 18:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, he never said that because you know, you can't show how weak you are, but I know sometimes, you know, you can see it on him that it's kind of a lot.
• 18:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: What was the responsibility of being that oldest daughter, seeing what was modeling in front of you, you referenced that their large shoes to feel?
• 18:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Did you feel that weight growing up and how did you manage to that?
• 18:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm married to an oldest child, that's why I'm... Yeah, I'm not an oldest child.
• 18:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm an oldest.
• 18:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, yeah, but yeah, I got you.
• 18:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's, definitely the weight was there.
• 18:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: You set the examples for your siblings.
• 18:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: So whatever you do, they do.
• 18:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you go to college and you get straighties, they kind of have to do that.
• 18:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you don't get pregnant, they won't get pregnant.
• 18:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: Just to specifically speak in.
• 18:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: Um, so the weight was definitely theirs.
• 19:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like, okay, your younger ones are watching.
• 19:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: You got to take care of her.
• 19:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: You don't get pregnant.
• 19:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: They won't get pregnant.
• 19:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: Right.
• 19:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, that's what they.
• 19:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, everyone's different, but they're saying like, I think his whole thing is like, when you set a standard, it goes from there.
• 19:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: So now if you get pregnant out of wedlock, I can't tell.
• 19:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: just siblings, they can't do that because you already did, right?
• 19:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, but like if you don't, we're gonna look at them funny, like, why would you do that?
• 19:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: Why would you even think about doing that?
• 19:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: Your older sister never did that.
• 19:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, I think that was where he was coming from.
• 19:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, it was like, stay and be hardworking, take care of siblings, do the right thing at all times because they're watching, so definitely I was a lot of pressure.
• 19:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I also think that they were very involved in the day-to-day, and they were very reassuring.
• 19:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: I messed up why, a few times, okay?
• 20:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, but, you know, I think he was more concerned about the basics, go to school.
• 20:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: Don't get pregnant.
• 20:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: Don't don't forget that God exists.
• 20:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: Every other thing in the middle, you're allowed to mess up as long as you kind of work your way back up.
• 20:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, but the pressure of your younger ones are watching was definitely there.
• 20:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: How did he receive you when you did slip up?
• 20:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: What was his counsel like when you did make mistakes?
• 20:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, my dad, my dad's,
• 20:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: A, B, 2.
• 20:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: He's only a 2 this year.
• 20:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: So about growing up, I'm just trying to tell you how old he is.
• 20:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: So you just his mentality was my dad.
• 20:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: I remember growing up when you messed up.
• 20:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: My dad was big on by the time I get home, which is usually the back then was like 630.
• 20:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: You have no reason to be out.
• 20:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like, I don't care what it was or what you think you're doing by the time that gate is open and I'm driving in.
• 21:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: you've had the home.
• 21:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, and I messed that up quite a few times and he's definitely punished, okay?
• 21:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: And but that's the thing is when he punished it, oh when I say punished, sometimes he would yell and sometimes it would smack, okay?
• 21:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then with the smack in when he got to that after he
• 21:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: hate doing that.
• 21:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: But do you understand why I'm doing that?
• 21:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that just always stuck with me, because men, or I don't want to generalize well, people back then,
• 21:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: It was born in 1911, 80 something years old, they never apologize.
• 21:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: They never want you to see, they usually don't.
• 22:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: I hate to say never, they usually don't.
• 22:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: They just say, this is my rule, you'd messed up, and that's what you get.
• 22:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: They don't come back and try to repair immediately to say, okay, what you did was wrong.
• 22:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: I smacked you, but here's why I did that.
• 22:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: Whether we choose to use that discipline now or not, that's besides the point.
• 22:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: I just think the point was back then it was a norm and for him he still took time to say, okay, this is what happened.
• 22:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: Now how do we move forward?
• 22:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: And now always stop with me.
• 22:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: That always made me realize, yes, he had to discipline.
• 22:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: But he cares.
• 22:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like there's a, there's a human being behind that man, that, that feeder.
• 22:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that's why my dad could do
• 22:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: that that's there's interest my uh I came from a physical discipline father as well my mother my mother only beat me one time and it took so much for me to get her to that point my dad saw and he was like hey you hey
• 23:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is not your lane.
• 23:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's right.
• 23:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'll handle this.
• 23:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: I got the last time he physically punished me.
• 23:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: It was deserving.
• 23:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: I never felt like it wasn't deserving.
• 23:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: It got to a point why I just kind of calculated it because I was that child.
• 23:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: But the last time he did it,
• 23:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: As soon as he finished, he went in and the room next door was crying and I could hear him.
• 23:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: And he came back and he apologized and he said, I made you feel like less than a person.
• 23:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because at that time, I was looking my dad and I, I think I was 12 with 13, probably 12, but it's 12 I was like 5 or 11, 150, 160 pounds and my dad was 6 feet, 6 one.
• 23:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: So he was he was saying that like you you had to lay there and take this punishment even though you were wrong that's that's not how I want you to see me as a man.
• 23:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: He was like next time we'll square up.
• 23:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well it never came to that because I would never like I don't get there.
• 24:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't get that as they're looking forward to square it with their sons and sons that want to square it with their dads.
• 24:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: See just on but I just never I had that much reverence form but
• 24:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: That particular time kind of set the tone and I found the value.
• 24:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: I've seen the value in the apologize to my children.
• 24:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't.
• 24:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: I never physically discipline my daughters because I just, I couldn't have had daughters first.
• 24:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: My oldest son comes along.
• 24:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: He was number three of five.
• 24:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I thought he was a punching bag.
• 24:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was like, well, we can be rough and tough.
• 24:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I realized that I was just carrying a forward.
• 24:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: and approach that was necessary for me, but not necessary for him.
• 24:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I came to that conclusion, probably around the time he was 70, he's 18 now.
• 24:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then the children out there have never received it, but I do believe it is important to apologize to your children.
• 25:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: And this whole podcast was birthed from me realizing that the relationship with my oldest son who was around 12 himself at that time, maybe 13,
• 25:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: I had such a hands-off approach because I wanted to treat them so different than my dad treated me, but that wasn't working.
• 25:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was treating him different out of spite for my dad, but I wasn't addressing his knees as my son.
• 25:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: So this whole podcast, this one, what I wish my father told me is the whole subject was keeping me accountable to having conversations with him, and, you know, it's kind of birth to
• 25:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: One of the things that my dad wished that he had told me, and we had these times, he's been like my biggest fan, the show's biggest fan, so it's not a bashing platform at all.
• 25:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: But he wished that we had more conversations around sex and commitment to a woman.
• 25:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Clearly, I'm not going to ask you about sex, but you laid the ground work of your father talking to you about what it is to be a wife and a respect your husband.
• 26:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: Uh-huh.
• 26:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: How early did those conversations start and how much of it stuck with you?
• 26:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Because I'm kind of curious about how that pandemic when you came to the U.S.
• 26:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you dealt with any of us, what do you mean?
• 26:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh boy, well, he just set that, like, don't get pregnant, and that was it.
• 26:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: We didn't really have a conversation to be honest.
• 26:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: And funny enough, my mom just kind of randomly gave me this, I was a little,
• 26:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: misunderstood as a child, um, because I loved hanging with boys.
• 26:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay.
• 26:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: I wasn't, I just felt like girls that drama was just too much.
• 26:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, like, the boys, it's just, it's just, it's just too stuff and you go home, nothing heavy.
• 27:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: For me, that's how I, but then people would see me with boys and think,
• 27:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: She must be X, Y, and Z.
• 27:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: So my mom kind of was also wondering the same thing.
• 27:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: Not that I didn't have a lot of, they have wanted to have three female friends but the rest were boys.
• 27:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: I love hanging with the boys.
• 27:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: And my sister's always used to, like, say, I remember the sister after me was like, why always with boys in my head?
• 27:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm thinking, I'm not doing anything with them.
• 27:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm just in their company.
• 27:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I think my mom got a little nervous.
• 27:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: And the only thing she did was just give me this book about how not to get pregnant.
• 27:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: We didn't really talk about it.
• 27:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, we didn't really call that to your pregnant.
• 27:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, do all like, like, how how you can get pregnant and how you know, stay away from boys.
• 27:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: I forget what the book was called.
• 27:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: It was probably when I was.
• 27:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: 14.
• 27:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so that was the extent of the conversation to be honest.
• 28:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: That was it.
• 28:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: I chose to do if do a little different with my children.
• 28:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: But for me, that question, how did you talk about that?
• 28:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: We didn't talk about it.
• 28:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: My dad just said, don't get pregnant.
• 28:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: My mom just got to give me a book and said, read this.
• 28:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I read this.
• 28:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I, I looked at it.
• 28:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: I was like, okay, so I think that the book
• 28:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: out, I never write the book, but yeah, that was the extent of that.
• 28:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: It might, my dad gave me a book called, on becoming a man and I know it's a title of it.
• 28:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't think I will crack the page, crack the page of it.
• 28:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: But for me, it's not like you have very, well, I don't want to put, I don't want to suggest what it was, but if I grew up in a house where we didn't, I knew I was low, we didn't say I love you a lot.
• 28:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: We didn't have a lot of
• 28:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: things that I was struggling with, right?
• 28:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: I didn't use my words to tell them, I didn't think, because my parents are very religious, like there was no exception, there was nothing other than this is how it is.
• 29:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: So when I found myself being like kind of drawn to things that didn't reflect that, I didn't think I could have conversations with them, which created a gap, right?
• 29:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I went out into the world and figured some things out that I probably could have had.
• 29:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: conversations, the at least have a reference.
• 29:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Not to say I wouldn't have done it right right right.
• 29:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: At least have a reference and I try to be mindful of that with my children today.
• 29:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: So we're a lot more open and conversation again a lot because it.
• 29:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: This platform gets me talking.
• 29:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't.
• 29:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm a guy with a podcast that doesn't talk a lot other than.
• 29:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: I can't tell.
• 29:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, yeah, ask around.
• 29:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: But what, what, what, what things are more front of my, for you, are you more focused and intentional about with your children?
• 30:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know you have boys.
• 30:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know if you have daughters as well, but I guess let's start with what, what is your family makeup right now?
• 30:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I'm married because a lot of people, I don't know what it is.
• 30:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know, maybe it's the type of content I make and I'm talking to women a lot.
• 30:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: Most people are like, yeah, that's why you single women.
• 30:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, how am I single?
• 30:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm talking to my sisters.
• 30:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not single.
• 30:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: Nothing wrong with being single, but I think I just,
• 30:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know if it's a vibe or the content, but I am married.
• 30:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's been married to the love of my life since we met, and I was in college actually.
• 30:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: So that was among date myself right now.
• 30:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: I met him at a Super Bowl party.
• 30:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: It was New York, Giants, and Ravens,
• 30:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, you know, it was 2001, I went to this party as myself acting a fool, you know, and then anyway, so fast forward, 2020 and six, so we've been married for since I think we celebrated our 20th year anniversary, not too long with that.
• 31:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I've been married to the same guy for 20 years.
• 31:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I have three kids.
• 31:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: have two boys.
• 31:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: My oldest is going to be 19.
• 31:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: Then I have 17 and I have a daughter that I prayed for.
• 31:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: My baby, she's 14.
• 31:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I have three kids.
• 31:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: What things are?
• 31:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Well, let me make me stop because you met in the college.
• 31:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Is he, is he one of us or is he?
• 31:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: No, I
• 31:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's always interesting to me when African women come here.
• 31:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we get one of you, huh?
• 32:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: It just seems interesting to me because most of us are so different.
• 32:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: I misunderstood.
• 32:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: When you said, does he want to us?
• 32:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: I thought you mad.
• 32:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: I've been a background.
• 32:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Is he Nigerian?
• 32:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Is he with like, we're seeing, what's his bag?
• 32:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: I thought you were talking about a different race.
• 32:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: when you said one I mean that mean that we put that would be applicable to okay okay because that that's usually what people say but no he he's he's actually Nigerian too okay yeah but you met him here you met him in the state yeah I met him at a party what's so important um I've dated well I dated other guys um Nigerian and African
• 32:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: I went to college at 16, so my dating, other people were like 17, 18, about back.
• 32:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then I met him shortly after, I think two years after I got to college.
• 33:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: So it was, it's been me and him for a very long time.
• 33:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: But for the other people that I, for the, one year or two years, I was here, um, yeah, I did date African Americans, Caribbean's, um, and Africans.
• 33:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think a mess around one Caucasian, but that was it.
• 33:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: But usually super-roganum, huh?
• 33:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: So that's your prerogative?
• 33:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, well, you was it.
• 33:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I ended up with an African man, but, yeah.
• 33:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: But yeah, so he's Nigerian as well.
• 33:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: was that it was that important to you or like even intentional or just the cause of similar backgrounds that you just things just resonate as they naturally were with some of the background.
• 33:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: This question is kind of hard.
• 33:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, so growing up, my dad had expectations, which was crazy.
• 33:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: So he's expectations now, this is going to ruffle a lot of feathers, but.
• 34:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, well, he's expectations were one, he has to be my gerian.
• 34:08
  [SPEAKER_02]: He didn't even say Africa.
• 34:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: He said my gerian, not just Nigeria, Ebo, which is a tribe.
• 34:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: So that was the expectation.
• 34:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: Number two, not just Ebo, the particular state.
• 34:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: So we're from Anambrah.
• 34:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: He's like, I want you to marry an Anambrah man.
• 34:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: So now you're talking, it must be America.
• 34:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: Think about this.
• 34:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: Then it must be in the Northeast.
• 34:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: Then now he must come from Jersey.
• 34:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's how specific it was, okay?
• 34:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because obviously that's where we're from.
• 34:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: And number two, he had to be Christian.
• 34:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: You say, okay, well, that makes sense.
• 34:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: No, he had to be Catholic, because most Africans, not all, some Africans are Catholics.
• 34:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: He's actually a knight in the Catholic church.
• 35:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: So he has to be Catholic.
• 35:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: Okay, I don't like that.
• 35:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: I ended up with Nigerian, Ibo,
• 35:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: a number of men.
• 35:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I did narrow down and I didn't do it because honestly, when college I was thinking about that, it just happened to be honest, I was out of party when I met him and he was not Catholic.
• 35:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I was like that, listen.
• 35:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: But this is all I can give you.
• 35:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: You could have been any other race, any other country.
• 35:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm giving you kind of what you want, but not a hundred.
• 35:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: So you better take it and run.
• 35:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so he's looking at it and ran.
• 35:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
• 35:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: They met the Ebo, but not the end.
• 36:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: So we all married, except one married, you're a different tribe.
• 36:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: But yeah, we all kind of married a Nigerian men.
• 36:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: They were not Catholic.
• 36:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: So yeah, I was one of two or three, whatever he's criteria was three or four.
• 36:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: My sisters were like two or four and one or four.
• 36:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: So yeah.
• 36:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: And he was fine.
• 36:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was going to ask when he was fine, was it a bit conversation, was it was he giving you this guidance clearly from a good place, but to kind of
• 36:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: ensure the best outcome in his mind.
• 36:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: But ultimately, he was going to be fine with your, like, he trusted with eating, still didn't you to be found with your choice?
• 36:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Or did you think you really had to get that close to the pain?
• 36:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you went completely opposite, do you think he would have accepted it?
• 36:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: So he accepted it for my other siblings.
• 36:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: Again, I kind of set the standard.
• 37:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: Again, the oldest daughter.
• 37:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I set the standard because I met three out of four.
• 37:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm by the way, even with the with the church thing, the Catholic thing, which is where I defaulted.
• 37:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: We actually ended up.
• 37:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: doing the like the church thing in a Catholic church.
• 37:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: So he's like, listen, you're not Catholic, but do you mind doing this for me just so in my head, I fulfilled that until we did.
• 37:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: It has been so gracious enough to say, you know, it doesn't, it's the same God.
• 37:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't care.
• 37:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let's do it.
• 37:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: We both go to a non-denominational church right now, so it doesn't really matter, but we just did that for my dad.
• 37:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I don't think my dad would have had a problem in Nigeria.
• 37:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: He's quite prominent.
• 37:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: And a lot of people were coming to him to say, hey, you have daughters.
• 37:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: I hear that they're doing very well.
• 37:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: Who could say, my dad would always say, like,
• 38:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: Uh, listen, my kids, it's not like they don't come around.
• 38:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: They do come around.
• 38:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: So if your son's trying to holla, have your son holla.
• 38:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like my dad was not playing.
• 38:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: And he's like, I'm not gonna do a matchmaking.
• 38:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're my friend.
• 38:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: You got some cheese.
• 38:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: I get it.
• 38:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: But we're not doing that with my girls.
• 38:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're gonna marry.
• 38:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: And he was very particular about that.
• 38:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: You have to marry out of love.
• 38:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: He always used to say, money comes and goes.
• 38:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like, and I don't want you to see, and I think that's why my dad also,
• 38:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: splurged on us because he's like, I don't want you to see money as like a God.
• 38:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like money comes and goes.
• 38:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: No, marry someone because of money.
• 38:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: And by the way, that's why you're getting an education.
• 38:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: I could have bought that Lambo.
• 38:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I'm not going to do it.
• 38:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: I must spend that money on you, making sure that you guys are well educated.
• 38:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: So you have no reason to marry someone because you think you can't do it out.
• 38:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like you can do it on your own.
• 38:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: So he was very particular about marrying for love.
• 39:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I know he always used to when you come to him and say that I met someone who's like, give me a year.
• 39:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: After I hear you come back, I think some of my sisters he did six months or a year.
• 39:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you still feel the same way, I don't know how conversation.
• 39:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: So that was kind of his thing.
• 39:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, I met this guy, really.
• 39:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Do you like him?
• 39:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Do you know him?
• 39:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: What are you not about him?
• 39:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: And all of that.
• 39:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: And Nigeria, they do this thing where they, you can say the person's name.
• 39:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: And automatically, you know, like the family.
• 39:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: And people go ask, like, how was, like, how was I family?
• 39:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: Are they good?
• 39:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: Um, do they have a lot of divorce rate in your family's weird things like that?
• 39:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: So in a background, he's doing that detective work, right?
• 39:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if he finds anything, he is just going to say, did you know this?
• 39:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: And did you know that?
• 39:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: And at the end of it all, if that's still what you want, he's going to give his blessings.
• 39:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, obviously, he's going to have a talk with the guys and he's going to feel a man just sees, is this something that, you know, I can handle, is this a big deal?
• 39:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: Are not he loved my husband?
• 40:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: all of what you said about him and his career suggested that there was affluence that there was resources and abundance.
• 40:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was a son when you kind of confirmed it.
• 40:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Then it's not, it's not my business.
• 40:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: But like, how did, how did, how did that shape?
• 40:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, what you value when you came to the US and like ultimately what you saw in your, your husband.
• 40:26
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 40:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: But because I think those
• 40:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: are key, whether they're positive and negative and how women see, understand, and to feel about the man that they choose.
• 40:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, so I honestly believe that now I, you know, I try not to say everything or everybody, they're always,
• 40:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: people are going to be different, but I feel like every daughter kind of looks for her dad and that behavior and that will personality of the dad.
• 41:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: That's what they look for in a man.
• 41:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: whether you think of it that way or not because in retrospect, I'm looking at my husband and I'm like, yeah, you kind of remind me of my dad.
• 41:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: And he's, um, I'm gonna tell you something.
• 41:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: He's, he was 10 years.
• 41:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: My husband's 10 years older than I am.
• 41:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't have baby daddy issues or, I mean, daddy issues, but I just, first of all, he doesn't look as age.
• 41:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: He looks amazing for
• 41:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, it's not what I'm just saying, so he just, again, if you grow up, if you have a good relationship with your dad, what you see is what you're looking for in a man, if you have a bad relationship with your dad, unfortunately, what you see is what you're going to attract.
• 41:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, thank goodness.
• 42:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: My dad was such a great example.
• 42:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: He was a family man.
• 42:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: He wasn't a womanizer.
• 42:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: We didn't have any issues of people knocking down the door saying, you're daddy this and you're daddy that.
• 42:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: He wasn't that.
• 42:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: He had money, but he had respect for his family.
• 42:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: He was
• 42:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Poison, my dad was an introverted extrovert.
• 42:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: He loved to party and have a good time, but he loved being at home with his family.
• 42:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: And that was very important to us.
• 42:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like, there's nothing wrong.
• 42:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: We could have fun at home.
• 42:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: There's nothing out there, right?
• 42:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: So he loved being at home.
• 42:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: But then, when it was time to party, he was a life of a party, you're like, okay, it was going on here, but that was him.
• 42:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: You love having a good time, but that good time had to have an expiration date.
• 42:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: All right, we're done now, and let's go back to what truly matters, which is my family.
• 43:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: So that's who my husband is.
• 43:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: Not loud, I'm kind of loud.
• 43:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think all the girls are loud in my family,
• 43:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: But sure of himself, very confident, confident enough to let me fly and he's cool.
• 43:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: Love is my children.
• 43:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's a little traditional when it comes to discipline and his approach to parenting and we kind of had to like level set as a kids got older to kind of see, okay.
• 43:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let's see what's working and let's try that.
• 43:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: And it's a balance because I, sometimes, I tend to be old before I was on the extreme and he was on the extreme.
• 43:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: So we kind of met in the middle on, I think, that's working beautifully.
• 43:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your son's a 19 and 17.
• 43:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: Going to be 19, yeah.
• 43:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I have a son that'll be 19 this year as well.
• 43:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Today, my children, my children are 22, 20, 18, 12 and 11.
• 44:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, wow.
• 44:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: So it's interesting.
• 44:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: And in my, my oldest decided we were ready to be grandparents.
• 44:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: Ah, okay.
• 44:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I have a grand grass.
• 44:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's a beautiful thing.
• 44:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 44:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, you can't undo it at this point.
• 44:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 44:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: All good.
• 44:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's revealed a whole lot about me having when now a third generation in the house, but I have children.
• 44:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: with the age gaps that we have, I see things that I miss with the older ones and I try to catch it with the younger ones.
• 44:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: I love the fact that you and your husband talked about your parenting styles and came to an agreement, I think.
• 44:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: My wife and I will, it'll be 21 years of marriage for us.
• 44:54
  [SPEAKER_02]: Next month.
• 44:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, next month.
• 44:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: So we had a lot more conversations.
• 45:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: better late than I had it all, but just some things came, we became a tool enough to actually use our words, both of us, to have conversations, you know, with how we're raising children and what we expected them, how much of your father's influence kind of informs how you are in the household.
• 45:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hmm, um, you mean in terms of discipline or how you like how you show up I mean that there's it's kind of easy to pick and choose like I will say for me I'm I'm good at picking out a thing that I do well and talking about that but when I look at my overall approach, I see I still got some some areas to the improvement
• 45:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: that kind of thing, but just the relationship, like I'm trying to draw the parallel of the value of a father in his daughter's life as long as possible, when she has her own life, that the dividends pay by how she shows up in life.
• 46:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: to his children.
• 46:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: He was busy.
• 46:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: He was a busy man running companies and stuff, but he was emotionally connected.
• 46:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I think that made a huge difference in all our lives, not just me, but my sisters.
• 46:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: He showed up.
• 46:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: He was present.
• 46:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: he would ask quite, because see sometimes, and I get this a lot, and maybe I should just a lot of comments on my page in emotional moms, I get comments from men that just say, all these issues will be solved if the women just let the man stay at home, all these issues will be solved if, because you're a single women, that's why you're having these issues
• 47:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, there's such a thing as someone being at home.
• 47:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let's just forget single, even the married couple.
• 47:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: You could be married at home with a husband, with children.
• 47:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: And they're still lacking because you're not available, emotionally.
• 47:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: Your present, pre-absent.
• 47:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: So, let's leave the single women alone for a second.
• 47:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: As men, are you present in your children's life?
• 47:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: Or are you working?
• 47:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: Let's say you can't work.
• 47:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: Are you just working coming home and then you're absent?
• 47:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because if that's what you're doing, you're doing a disservice to your children.
• 47:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, you're married, yes, you're present, but you need to be emotionally involved and present in your kids' life and I see that.
• 47:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like, you're there, but you're not there.
• 47:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: The kids are like drowning, but you're not there.
• 47:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're not emotionally present.
• 47:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so, yes, is it better to, and I'm like, in the perfect world, we would have a father and a mother?
• 48:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: both physically and emotionally present, pour in into their children, correct in, disciplining, being firm and consistent in a perfect world.
• 48:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, we all know it won't live in a perfect world.
• 48:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're gonna have fathers that are there that think that they're only job is to provide financially and then everything else is left to the mother.
• 48:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're going to have maybe even fathers that are not working and I'm not physically present that you're there.
• 48:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then everything the burden is on the women's vice versa.
• 48:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm not here in fashion men or women just saying just because you're home just because you're a father title doesn't mean that you're doing right by your children doesn't mean that your children are going to turn out right are you.
• 48:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: Physically, emotionally, available and connected to your children.
• 49:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: Are you loving them?
• 49:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: Are you taking the time not just to correct, but to connect, I always say, connection comes before correction.
• 49:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: If I have a child, and all I'm doing is, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,
• 49:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: but put a dent to your relationship, but to make the kids go silent and shut down.
• 49:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're not doing anything.
• 49:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: You might feel like you're doing something in the moment, but overall, you're not doing anything.
• 49:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: So you have to connect, you have to know your children.
• 49:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: You have to know their legs, the legs, you need to know their strength so you can pour into that.
• 49:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: And you also need to know their weaknesses too, so you tell them to watch out.
• 49:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is really where you're struggling, but it has to be both.
• 49:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's not just correction and it's not just father's name to be at home, father's name to be at home.
• 50:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: I understand that, I had a father at home, but how are you showing up at home?
• 50:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: Are you miserable at home?
• 50:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: Do you show your kids like you're miserable?
• 50:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's hard to be a dad.
• 50:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: I can't believe you guys are all Walk so hard and you guys don't even like how are you showing up because I tell you I hear from a lot of mothers that have husbands that are not single mothers, but they're carrying the load themselves
• 50:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: And your kids feel like they're dads, not there.
• 50:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: They don't have a man to talk to.
• 50:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yet this guy's come to my page in most normal months, and they go on my DM, and sometimes they don't.
• 50:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: They just say right there.
• 50:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: Ooh, all this could be solved if you're not a single woman.
• 50:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, I know it sounds good, but can we like dive deeper into that?
• 50:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's not just about being a single mom.
• 50:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're married people that are not available.
• 50:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: to their kids.
• 50:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: And this is fathers.
• 50:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is mothers as well that work and just feel like I'm not going to do anything outside of that.
• 51:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think a lot of kids are drowning in silence, a lot of kids are hurting because physically there's someone there, but there's no one there.
• 51:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: I get it.
• 51:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was I was a guilty party being a successful outside of the house.
• 51:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: and failing inside the house.
• 51:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: From the outside looking in, it probably looked.
• 51:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: I did look great, we showed up.
• 51:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: We were at places, my kids were for it, different things.
• 51:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: But for me, it was more, which is not any excuse, this is the history.
• 51:42
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was embarrassed about how I showed up in the house.
• 51:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I put more effort into showing up where I was praised and revered the way I thought I should be, which was outside the house, chasing corporate dreams.
• 51:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I said, off the night, I got to the top of the ladder.
• 52:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Only to realize it was leading against the wrong building.
• 52:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: So again, and I was exited from corporate.
• 52:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: This is year four.
• 52:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: October 3rd, 2022.
• 52:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: And this has kind of been my life since and you mentioned your page.
• 52:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: I definitely want to get to it and you kind of walked into why you started it.
• 52:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: How long has your page been in operation?
• 52:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: How long has the movement been what it is?
• 52:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: No.
• 52:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: So my page hasn't been up that long.
• 52:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: I started last year on last August.
• 52:35
  [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, now you show it up.
• 52:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: No.
• 52:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: No.
• 52:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: No.
• 52:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: I will.
• 52:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: I started last.
• 52:42
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 52:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's.
• 52:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 52:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: I failed as a mother, and I let me correct that.
• 52:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: I struggled as a mother, being in corporate America, worked in 12-hour shifts, having an anion home, right?
• 53:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: I was a mother as much as I could.
• 53:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: And my husband worked, too.
• 53:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: And so I'm not saying this to make anyone feel
• 53:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: I was present.
• 53:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: We were present.
• 53:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: And if you asked me, I was a damn good mom.
• 53:22
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because, you know, I would show up on my days off to their soccer game and all those games which are nice sports mom and all that.
• 53:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: But what I say, I was pointed to my kids emotionally was
• 53:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: and with boys who don't show their emotions, who are told be a man, don't complain, don't cry, hold it in, men don't do this or that.
• 54:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: I think it was harder on them because there was no outlet.
• 54:06
  [SPEAKER_02]: There was no, hey, tell me what's really going on.
• 54:10
  [SPEAKER_02]: Not that I didn't want to.
• 54:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I think I was just caught up in the day-to-day and working their safe, the Nani is home with them, so she's doing whatever she's doing.
• 54:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: And for me, I thought that was enough.
• 54:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: But that was not enough.
• 54:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: in retrospect.
• 54:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: Back then, I thought they're good.
• 54:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, I'm here.
• 54:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: I was school fine, surface level.
• 54:40
  [SPEAKER_01]: Not that I didn't ask.
• 54:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, I was school fine.
• 54:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: And, you know, boys are always going to give you one word answer, especially if they feel pressure.
• 54:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: I had this, I grew up in a family where you had to not be perfect, but their expectations and standards.
• 54:57
  [SPEAKER_01]: I carried that into my own household, too.
• 55:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: So my kids felt that need to be perfect.
• 55:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: They felt that need to be perfect all the time, and they felt that need to not disappoint.
• 55:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: of late learn the value of parenting, my children for who they are, not necessarily for who I want them to be, or who I wasn't that I wish I was.
• 55:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Mm-hmm.
• 55:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Kind of thing, so that that not wanting to disappoint.
• 55:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: And that's, it's dangerous all the round.
• 55:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: I found it very dangerous with my sons, especially my oldest son.
• 55:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: My youngest son, my two younger kids are getting a very different.
• 55:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: are going to be, what's, what's you, I mean, they should, it's six and seven years difference between them and the next oldest.
• 55:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: In the chores.
• 55:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, congratulations on your page.
• 55:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: I was only hating just a little bit.
• 56:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, I feel like I know.
• 56:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: You see, we do this thing as parents wear, because when I was struggling, you would never have known everyone like,
• 56:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: are keeping up.
• 56:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: How are you kids?
• 56:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: Great.
• 56:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: And fine.
• 56:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: How was great, wonderful, delicious.
• 56:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Great kids.
• 56:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: We've never been better.
• 56:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: Awesome.
• 56:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: that's not true, most of the time.
• 56:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're all kind of dealing with stuff, we're all kind of struggling, and I honestly start, I wasn't a different niche before, and it was like, God was telling me, like, oh, this is not you.
• 56:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: I get up in a morning to create content.
• 56:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, I don't know, I'm talking about, I don't know.
• 56:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: But for this, I just, it was like, it's like, every day, it's like, um, doing something meaningful.
• 56:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because I honestly, I say to myself, if I had this page while my kids were a little, oh my god.
• 57:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh my god.
• 57:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I hear that from a lot of mom that unfortunately I kids are like 20, 17, it's just, they're like, where have you been?
• 57:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is what I needed from day one.
• 57:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I feel like,
• 57:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's resonating with a lot of moms.
• 57:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, that's a lot of more show moms, but I have some dads that follow.
• 57:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: But I feel like it's resonating because now we can finally talk about the real stuff.
• 57:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: Without hate, any hate, I'm just like, I'm not with that.
• 57:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: You can call me a single mom and bash me, but just, you know, don't hate, don't be hateful.
• 57:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: And the comment section, I enlarge,
• 57:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: I know.
• 57:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Does then, and I've, I've had the challenge, I had to grow through that, um, especially with you have a real piece of content that takes off.
• 57:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I, I felt victim to wanting people to understand when most people are not did it, understand at all.
• 58:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: No, they just, they're having a bad day, they're gonna take it out of you, they, they, you know, it's just what it is, you know, people that love you love you, regardless, and it's not even about love or hate, it's just about if you feel like you're pouring out something authentically that will help somebody else, even if it resonates with 20, and the hundred are bashing you, it's worth it.
• 58:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah.
• 58:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's worth it.
• 58:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Is this what you do full time now?
• 58:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: So actually, not yet.
• 58:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: I still have a corporate job at train pharmacists.
• 58:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't say that because now, I don't know why I said that because you start getting the professional medical advice and I'm like, that's not, that hat is not here.
• 58:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: That hat, I'm not talking medical or stuff.
• 58:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: Just I just don't want to, I never mentioned that.
• 58:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: I don't know why I did.
• 58:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: But yeah.
• 59:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: My wife is a pharmacy tech.
• 59:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: So she talks stuff that I'm just, you.
• 59:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: Hi wifey, yes, yes.
• 59:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: So yeah, I've done that for, and I don't want to age myself.
• 59:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: 18 years, something like that.
• 59:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: But yeah, I'm slowly losing that love.
• 59:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then I'm, you know, that I have a new girlfriend now.
• 59:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: So yeah, we're, we might be exited soon.
• 59:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah.
• 59:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm just going to let no one resonate, let people do it that way, does it, please?
• 59:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Got a new girlfriend now.
• 59:35
  [SPEAKER_01]: Oh, my girlfriend is emotional.
• 59:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know, but I didn't let internet sometimes.
• 59:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: What is we start to close, but what has the emotional moms journey taught you about you?
• 59:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: Most young moms has taught me that what I went through was not just about me.
• 1:00:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: This is what a lot of moms are going through.
• 1:00:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: Getting the education out, our kids are all, I always say there's no bad child, I never want to say 100% of anything, but most kids don't understand, I've, and especially our
• 1:00:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: You might be provided in night cheese, Air Force wants for your son, but he's strong on.
• 1:00:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: And most people will say,
• 1:00:34
  [SPEAKER_02]: I give you everything, I never had that, you're on grateful, the truth is, everyone wants to feel that connection, everyone wants to feel like they can come to you when they mess up.
• 1:00:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: My voice couldn't do that before, you'll mess up and hide and guess what things get worse because not you're hiding, then they lie, then what they did before is now worse because they're lying about what they did.
• 1:01:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't give them that space to come to me to see more I messed up and the greatest thing I gave my kids was to tell them I messed up probably when I was your age and know that does not give them permission to mess up.
• 1:01:15
  [SPEAKER_01]: I hear that a lot is humanizes you, makes you a human.
• 1:01:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: a lot of kids see you don't understand.
• 1:01:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: But when you come to their level, respect is number one.
• 1:01:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're not going to talk to me crazy.
• 1:01:29
  [SPEAKER_01]: Other than that, let's talk.
• 1:01:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: What is it?
• 1:01:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: This figure it out.
• 1:01:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're not a bad child.
• 1:01:34
  [SPEAKER_01]: You did a bad thing.
• 1:01:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: We label our kids too much and it gets in
• 1:01:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: my parent in because in Nigeria is a norm.
• 1:01:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: You stupid.
• 1:01:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: Why do you do that?
• 1:01:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: You're lazy.
• 1:01:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: You want to let the, the, the, the, the, the, and as kids, they internalize it.
• 1:01:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: I still remember those words that were said to me when I was little.
• 1:02:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm in my 40s.
• 1:02:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I say that to say it's taught me that we're all struggling with the same thing.
• 1:02:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: Most of us are.
• 1:02:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: we carry generation trauma, we carry bagages from when we're little into a parent and we swear will never be like our parents.
• 1:02:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, one day I had to look at myself and learn say, that was great.
• 1:02:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: My mom was a little on the on the mouthy side and I found myself saying the same thing that she was saying and I'm like, hold up.
• 1:02:32
  [SPEAKER_01]: You have no business talking about your mom and dad because you're doing the same thing, right?
• 1:02:38
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I say that to say we all carry the same baggage.
• 1:02:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're not their no perfect parents.
• 1:02:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: We're only trying to do our best day by day.
• 1:02:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's about the daily progress.
• 1:02:48
  [SPEAKER_01]: Our kids need us available emotionally.
• 1:02:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: They need to be able, if your kid cannot come to you when something goes wrong, you have what to do.
• 1:02:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: they're not safe with you.
• 1:03:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: They need to be safe with you.
• 1:03:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: They need to be able to share with you.
• 1:03:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: I could never tell my parents that I had a boyfriend at 14 or 15.
• 1:03:08
  [SPEAKER_01]: My kids tell me when they see a girl that they like, that they're dating.
• 1:03:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: and we talk about it, and we set rules boundaries they follow.
• 1:03:17
  [SPEAKER_01]: My 18 year old 19 year old, he tells me where he's going.
• 1:03:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: So in C's girl, I want to be here.
• 1:03:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to be back at seven.
• 1:03:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: We share locations.
• 1:03:24
  [SPEAKER_01]: Gotta be open.
• 1:03:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: There's a noob taboo topic.
• 1:03:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: We talk about sex.
• 1:03:28
  [SPEAKER_01]: We talk about point.
• 1:03:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: We talk about masturbation.
• 1:03:31
  [SPEAKER_01]: I do when my kids.
• 1:03:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: And now my husband is, because he's a little conservative, like I said, and I'm like, listen, if you don't hear from you, they're going to hear from the internet.
• 1:03:43
  [SPEAKER_01]: I rather come from me.
• 1:03:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're going to talk about vaping.
• 1:03:47
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're going to talk about drugs.
• 1:03:50
  [SPEAKER_01]: Because there are athletes, I tell them.
• 1:03:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's not about saying you can't do that for kids, you have to give them a reason why.
• 1:03:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: Sun, you wanna play football?
• 1:03:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: Good, you need your lungs.
• 1:04:00
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you do drugs, guess what?
• 1:04:02
  [SPEAKER_01]: You know, I have it.
• 1:04:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: What you wanna do, I'm not gonna police you, but you're dream, not mine.
• 1:04:07
  [SPEAKER_01]: What are you gonna do?
• 1:04:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: So it's not good enough to say, don't you have to give your kids reasons why?
• 1:04:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: And how do you give them your reasons why?
• 1:04:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: You have to talk to them.
• 1:04:16
  [SPEAKER_01]: You have to be emotionally involved and connected every day.
• 1:04:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: You speak words to them.
• 1:04:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: And then you can't just speak and then do the opposite at home because they watch.
• 1:04:27
  [SPEAKER_01]: if you're a dad, and you're a mom, and then you speak in life and tell them what to do and what you don't do.
• 1:04:33
  [SPEAKER_01]: And they look for you sideways because you're in the corner, vaping, or doing drugs, or talking to a man that's not their dad, or doing whatever, and then you're coming to them, telling them, oh, you got to do right.
• 1:04:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: Guess what?
• 1:04:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're not going to listen.
• 1:04:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're going, yes, you're to death, but they're not going to listen to you.
• 1:04:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: They're going to do what you're doing.
• 1:04:51
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, mommy's doing that.
• 1:04:52
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to do that.
• 1:04:53
  [SPEAKER_01]: But that is doing that.
• 1:04:54
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm going to do that.
• 1:04:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: you do the opposite.
• 1:04:59
  [SPEAKER_01]: If you're a man in the house, you treat your woman with respect.
• 1:05:03
  [SPEAKER_01]: You treat her like she's a queen.
• 1:05:05
  [SPEAKER_01]: You don't have to bid it down your son's head to do that.
• 1:05:10
  [SPEAKER_01]: He sees that.
• 1:05:11
  [SPEAKER_01]: The first time my son came into the car, I was going to pick up a girl, I drove him there because he was 17 at the time.
• 1:05:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: He was in driving.
• 1:05:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: He opened the car,
• 1:05:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: He treats his women, or his girlfriends, the way he sees my husband treat me.
• 1:05:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: Same with my daughter, she's a princess, and she will demand that someone treats her.
• 1:05:37
  [SPEAKER_01]: really good, but she's also, or someone that, you know, will treat you good as well.
• 1:05:41
  [SPEAKER_01]: So it all starts from the home.
• 1:05:44
  [SPEAKER_01]: Father, be present in your kids' life and your children's life, your son, your daughters, and whoever you're with in the home, treat them respect as our kids watch everything.
• 1:05:55
  [SPEAKER_01]: You may think you're sleek about it, but they're watching.
• 1:05:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: You cannot, or under a respect when you're telling them to do a and you're doing b.
• 1:06:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: it's just not so yeah that's my page in a nutshell I am I am committed to tackling vices this year it's been on the docket to discuss specifically for anography I know that one can't go on discuss I put up a post a couple of days ago it's all hi it resonated said the seed of pornography can't be
• 1:06:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: And we typically don't understand what advice is doing to us until it is done at us.
• 1:06:43
  [SPEAKER_02]: Absolutely.
• 1:06:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I can't afford it.
• 1:06:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: I can't afford it.
• 1:06:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Can't afford it.
• 1:06:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah.
• 1:06:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: No, it's not.
• 1:06:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's not, and my perspective is what I'm saying.
• 1:07:01
  [SPEAKER_01]: It's everywhere.
• 1:07:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Gatch it, Gatch it, addressing it is what I was disagreeing with, not what you were saying.
• 1:07:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's not hard, it's preferential.
• 1:07:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: We choose hard things to do, often.
• 1:07:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: We choose uncomfortable things to do, often.
• 1:07:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: Those choices typically don't point to us.
• 1:07:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: sewing our flaws though, in a real way, right, very service level, I can't afford to, we get pretty, like my platform is either you get it or you don't, I mean, we have fun on the show, but it is not to be entertained.
• 1:07:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you listen long enough, it's going to challenge
• 1:08:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: to look at you and I believe that's my ministry on this earth.
• 1:08:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, and again, not that I would not be evolving as well than changing.
• 1:08:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: So it's just kind of doing it in front of the camera.
• 1:08:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: So I applaud you for doing it.
• 1:08:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know what that's like.
• 1:08:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, especially as you get more attention.
• 1:08:19
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's all cool at first and then when you realize that people come to you to hit what you say.
• 1:08:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Right.
• 1:08:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: I guess it's something something man is so I appreciate you I appreciate your platform there's one question that I always ask the guys well typically because I was only talking a man for a long time and I referenced it at the beginning it's the show with dear son which most people know but it's common when I wish my father told me what's something
• 1:08:58
  [SPEAKER_01]: I, um, I looked at my dad as a mini-god.
• 1:09:04
  [SPEAKER_01]: I wish he told me that he was in perfect too.
• 1:09:09
  [SPEAKER_01]: He was okay to be in perfect.
• 1:09:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: In my eyes, he did everything right.
• 1:09:14
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm sure he struggled on the inside, holding it together.
• 1:09:19
  [SPEAKER_01]: Well, I think I would have loved him and he'd last if he showed a little imperfection.
• 1:09:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: So I wish he was, he would have told me, I'm imperfect.
• 1:09:28
  [SPEAKER_02]: I'm not perfect.
• 1:09:31
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah.
• 1:09:32
  [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, get that completely.
• 1:09:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Any other thing you want to plug your, yes.
• 1:09:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Your page information will be linked down below.
• 1:09:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: Do you have any other things, any other platforms?
• 1:09:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know your IG, are you anywhere else that you want people to know?
• 1:09:46
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm basically on IG, I mean, I have my TikTok same name, but IG for mothers and fathers to have teen sons.
• 1:09:56
  [SPEAKER_01]: I have an amazing product, it's called End of Shutdown, because I hear that a lot from parents and I too dealt with it.
• 1:10:06
  [SPEAKER_01]: system, yes, it's mini ebook, but then it's also very important scripts, flashcards that are handy, I'm very on point that will help you deescalate situations, so that's on my page as well.
• 1:10:21
  [SPEAKER_01]: But yeah, I'm here to, I feel like, on the mission to help us parents, especially those that feel like.
• 1:10:30
  [SPEAKER_01]: They have to put a front to others that everything's okay, that they don't, they don't need help.
• 1:10:36
  [SPEAKER_01]: Everything is honk and dirty when it's usually not.
• 1:10:39
  [SPEAKER_01]: My page is a safe space to help us figure this out because I went through the same things.
• 1:10:45
  [SPEAKER_01]: And now that I'm on the other side with my children, I see the impact.
• 1:10:49
  [SPEAKER_01]: I see the beauty of our relationship and my goal is to have other parents have the same with their sons.
• 1:10:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: Awesome.
• 1:10:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: So if you say me that link, I'll make sure that's linked below.
• 1:11:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Of course, you add to you, but if you want the book to link directly, create one less stuff for people to, to do to get to your book.
• 1:11:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Um, I definitely appreciate it.
• 1:11:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: And I hope this is pretty easy.
• 1:11:12
  [SPEAKER_01]: Like 12, 23.
• 1:11:13
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm like, when you first sent me the link, I was like 11 to 12, 30.
• 1:11:18
  [SPEAKER_01]: The hell, I don't be talking for one.
• 1:11:20
  [SPEAKER_01]: I have hours about what I look at the time.
• 1:11:23
  [SPEAKER_01]: I'm like 12, 24.
• 1:11:25
  [SPEAKER_01]: This was fun.
• 1:11:26
  [SPEAKER_01]: I had a good time.
• 1:11:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: my job is complete and with that we appreciate your guys God bless you peace.