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You helped us help a SEPARATED SINGLE DAD! · Johnjay & Rich On Demand

• 0:07
  Speaker 1: I got a DM on my Instagram this morning an
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: hour ago, says, good morning, John Jay. I was wondering
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: if maybe you could ask your listeners on the radio
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: for some advice.
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: Please don't say my name.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: My wife asked for a separation, not divorce as of yet.
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: My wife asked for a separation back in October, and
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: when she left, she left the kids and me. All
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: she's been doing is going out and having girls' nights,
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: and yet barely sees the kids. Now, my question is,
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: with Christmas coming around the corner, should I still have
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: the obligation to get her a present? Yes, I still
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: love her and I'm giving her the space she asked
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: for before we decide to divorce or work it out.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: But the going out all the time tells me something else.
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: What should I do? And I said, hey, I'll bring
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: it up. You want to come on the air with us?
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: And he goes, I've been in such a dark space
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: since she left. I feel lost, confused. So that eight
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: seven seven nine seven, Alicia, you have advice for him?
• 1:07
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I think I think it depends on if she's
• 1:12
  Speaker 3: going to be spending Christmas with him and the kids.
• 1:16
  Speaker 3: I think you know, setting that example for the kids.
• 1:19
  Speaker 3: When you care for somebody or you love somebody, this
• 1:21
  Speaker 3: is how you treat them, and you know, getting her something.
• 1:25
  Speaker 3: It doesn't have to be extravagant, but a little something
• 1:27
  Speaker 3: to show that I care about you, because right now
• 1:31
  Speaker 3: that's kind of what is his role is setting that
• 1:34
  Speaker 3: example for the kids and so you know, just to
• 1:37
  Speaker 3: kind of make it easier on them and and showing
• 1:40
  Speaker 3: them that this is how you treat somebody that you
• 1:42
  Speaker 3: care about. I think that's probably the most important thing.
• 1:45
  Speaker 3: And she's going to be separate for Christmas. I say,
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: don't worry about it unless you really feel like you
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: want to.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: But that's interesting, I said him, he hasn't responded to
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: your best And does she still live with you?
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: Guys? Because she still lives with them? Then you're there
• 1:56
  Speaker 2: having Christmas? How do you get Mama present?
• 1:59
  Speaker 3: But if you don't want to, it's like if she's there.
• 2:05
  Speaker 3: You have to set that example for other kids, because
• 2:07
  Speaker 3: I think that's really important so that they grow up
• 2:10
  Speaker 3: to know how to treat you know, their significant other.
• 2:13
  Speaker 3: There the may they care about and they love.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: Thanks, Alicia, have a great day, you just thinks he Nicole,
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: what advice do you have for this person.
• 2:22
  Speaker 4: Well, first off.
• 2:22
  Speaker 5: The word obligation to me is kind of problematic. So
• 2:26
  Speaker 5: I hate that word. So I don't want to be
• 2:28
  Speaker 5: obligate to do anything for anybody. I do things because
• 2:30
  Speaker 5: I want to do that for that person. So if
• 2:33
  Speaker 5: you're giving a gift, it should be because you want
• 2:35
  Speaker 5: the person to have the gift, not because you know.
• 2:37
  Speaker 5: If you're giving it because of their wants or their needs,
• 2:39
  Speaker 5: then that can result in obviously some many you know,
• 2:42
  Speaker 5: you feeling resentment like did they like it? Was it
• 2:45
  Speaker 5: good enough?
• 2:45
  Speaker 6: That?
• 2:46
  Speaker 5: Whatever that is about? Like, So for me, my rule
• 2:48
  Speaker 5: and gift giving is always is it something that I
• 2:50
  Speaker 5: want the person to have or is it something I
• 2:52
  Speaker 5: want to do for the person, rather than you know,
• 2:54
  Speaker 5: focusing on people's wants or needs, because then you're giving
• 2:56
  Speaker 5: it because of them, not because of you. That's just
• 2:59
  Speaker 5: my thoughts.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: Man, you seem like you're a professional counselor think.
• 3:04
  Speaker 7: It through, But do you want them to have something
• 3:06
  Speaker 7: they want or need?
• 3:08
  Speaker 8: Well?
• 3:08
  Speaker 5: I do, But again if that makes me feel obligated. Again,
• 3:12
  Speaker 5: that keyword for me is the obligation word. They if
• 3:14
  Speaker 5: I feel obligated to get into them because they want it,
• 3:17
  Speaker 5: or they need it, then am I truly giving the
• 3:19
  Speaker 5: gift because of what I want them to have? You
• 3:21
  Speaker 5: know what I mean.
• 3:22
  Speaker 9: I think he's asking something a little different than your answer, though.
• 3:24
  Speaker 9: I think he's saying, like, Hey, she decided she wanted
• 3:27
  Speaker 9: to split, I'm gonna give her space, But do I
• 3:30
  Speaker 9: need to get her a present for Christmas? Or did
• 3:33
  Speaker 9: she make her decision? And my good right, I think
• 3:36
  Speaker 9: that's what he's asking.
• 3:37
  Speaker 5: Well, I think and I hear that. But at the
• 3:39
  Speaker 5: end of the day, if he's granting her the space
• 3:41
  Speaker 5: that she asked for, because she didn't just walk out
• 3:43
  Speaker 5: her leave, clearly they must have had some kind of
• 3:44
  Speaker 5: discussion or conversation about the separation and now he's looking
• 3:48
  Speaker 5: at her social media or whatever, her going out with
• 3:50
  Speaker 5: her girlfriends, and he's putting weight on that decision. Now
• 3:52
  Speaker 5: he's feeling obligated. If that's the case, If you don't
• 3:54
  Speaker 5: want to give her space, then break up. Then you
• 3:56
  Speaker 5: file for divorce, don't wait for her to do it.
• 3:58
  Speaker 5: At the end of the day, if you're giving her space,
• 4:00
  Speaker 5: love her the same as you did and if she
• 4:03
  Speaker 5: wants to that's my dog Jimmy in as well. If
• 4:05
  Speaker 5: if you want to give her a gift.
• 4:06
  Speaker 9: You give her the gift that you want her.
• 4:08
  Speaker 5: To have, not because of feeling obligated. That's my thought.
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: Thank you, Nicole. Jessica, before you give us advice, I
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: asked him, I said, does she still live with you?
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: In JUSTI in Bacio's no, she moved out the day
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: she asked to be separated. Okay, Jessica, what's your advice?
• 4:21
  Speaker 10: Yeah, I kind of figure this out one because she
• 4:24
  Speaker 10: said the kids hardly see him. So my advice is
• 4:27
  Speaker 10: just to don't waste the money on her, but focus
• 4:31
  Speaker 10: on the kids because I've been through it as well,
• 4:35
  Speaker 10: so I very much know you have to focus on
• 4:38
  Speaker 10: the kids because I know I focus, but they feel
• 4:41
  Speaker 10: it more. So you need this because she might not
• 4:44
  Speaker 10: show up, So he has to make sure that they
• 4:47
  Speaker 10: have a happy Christmas regardless. She's happy, regardless what she's doing,
• 4:51
  Speaker 10: and they are number one in your life, so I
• 4:56
  Speaker 10: feel like he should focus on them.
• 4:58
  Speaker 5: Don't waste money on her. She shows up, she'd as
• 5:00
  Speaker 5: if not, my kids.
• 5:01
  Speaker 11: Are going to be happy.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: Curious, See I thought that she didn't that she did
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: live there, because he knew she was going out on
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: girls nights.
• 5:07
  Speaker 7: All the time, maybe she's posting it or something.
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: Thanks Jessica, Shane. What's up here on there?
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: Good morning, Shane, Shane, Shane, let's go.
• 5:17
  Speaker 12: Good morning, John Jay. So, in my opinion, gifts are
• 5:23
  Speaker 12: never an obligation. There's no rule book that says you
• 5:26
  Speaker 12: have to buy a gift for somebody. If you buy
• 5:30
  Speaker 12: him out of the kindness, out of your own heart,
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  Speaker 12: if you if you're wanting to buy a gift, buy
• 5:35
  Speaker 12: a gift. Doesn't matter how big, doesn't matter how small.
• 5:38
  Speaker 12: But just the fact that your question in it makes
• 5:41
  Speaker 12: me believe that maybe you shouldn't. That's my opinion.
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: All right, Thank you, Shane Kendall, good morning, you're in there.
• 5:49
  Speaker 11: Hi, good morning.
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: What's your advice.
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  Speaker 11: So my opinion is, I don't think he should buy
• 5:54
  Speaker 11: a gift for her, but depending on the kid's age,
• 5:56
  Speaker 11: she should let them pick something out for her because
• 5:58
  Speaker 11: regardless of the statum, so.
• 6:02
  Speaker 13: Her kids as well.
• 6:04
  Speaker 2: That's really good advice.
• 6:07
  Speaker 11: Yeah, but leave the relationship.
• 6:09
  Speaker 8: Out of it.
• 6:09
  Speaker 5: Do it for the kids.
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: Thank you, Latina, good morning.
• 6:14
  Speaker 14: Good morning. I definitely would say that because I've been
• 6:18
  Speaker 14: in that position before. I did leave my kids and
• 6:21
  Speaker 14: my husband about ten years ago. When we separated and
• 6:25
  Speaker 14: I was doing the same thing, and the ones I
• 6:27
  Speaker 14: get hurt the most are the kids. And when we
• 6:31
  Speaker 14: finally got back together and we discussed it, the biggest
• 6:35
  Speaker 14: thing was being there for the kids and letting the
• 6:37
  Speaker 14: kids see.
• 6:37
  Speaker 4: That I still did love them.
• 6:39
  Speaker 14: So for him to keep his feelings out of it,
• 6:43
  Speaker 14: as much as you know, he might want to say, hey,
• 6:45
  Speaker 14: why is this happening, and work on hisself, and she
• 6:49
  Speaker 14: has to work on herself too, but for the kids
• 6:51
  Speaker 14: to still be involved and hopefully she comes over and
• 6:56
  Speaker 14: them pick something out for her, because that's gonna make
• 7:00
  Speaker 14: them happier, because in the end, it's the kids that
• 7:02
  Speaker 14: get hurt the worst.
• 7:04
  Speaker 2: So you went back. Now you guys are together.
• 7:07
  Speaker 4: Yeah?
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: Yeah, when you left, you left for how long?
• 7:11
  Speaker 14: I left for?
• 7:14
  Speaker 5: Eight years?
• 7:16
  Speaker 9: Dang I almost yeah, I'm almost never heard of that
• 7:21
  Speaker 9: separation that lung, that's it, gets back together.
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: You're a rare one.
• 7:25
  Speaker 5: Yeah we stayed.
• 7:26
  Speaker 14: Yeah, we stayed married. And you know, I went through
• 7:30
  Speaker 14: two other relationships and it was really an eye opener
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  Speaker 14: and a wasted time because at the end of the day,
• 7:36
  Speaker 14: out of each of those two relationships, they both said
• 7:39
  Speaker 14: how much they hated my husband because I cared about
• 7:42
  Speaker 14: him and my kids the most instead of them, and
• 7:45
  Speaker 14: so it just, you know, it was it was a
• 7:48
  Speaker 14: struggle and it was a you know, a big life
• 7:50
  Speaker 14: lesson on both of our ends. But now we're stronger
• 7:53
  Speaker 14: than ever and whatever thing we go through, we.
• 7:56
  Speaker 4: We can do it.
• 7:57
  Speaker 14: You know, we know we can do it.
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: That's great advice. Thanks Latina. Juan, good morning. You're on
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: the air.
• 8:06
  Speaker 12: Oh, good morning.
• 8:07
  Speaker 11: What do you Yeah, So I feel like that ship
• 8:11
  Speaker 11: has failed for that guy.
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  Speaker 8: You know, it's probably just sending them a rough message
• 8:15
  Speaker 8: to the kids.
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: By alling, allowing all that other and all the gift
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: giving and all that.
• 8:22
  Speaker 4: Just that bird left the next bud he it's time
• 8:24
  Speaker 4: to move on.
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, tough words.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: That's how guys are Ye you left your out Melissa,
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: good morning, go ahead, you're on the air.
• 8:35
  Speaker 15: Yes. So she also might take the gifts the wrong way,
• 8:39
  Speaker 15: like he's trying to win her back with monetary things,
• 8:42
  Speaker 15: and the gift doesn't have to be an item.
• 8:45
  Speaker 4: He could just.
• 8:45
  Speaker 15: Write or something and be vulnerable and write how the
• 8:50
  Speaker 15: separation has been affecting him right, Like what he's going
• 8:54
  Speaker 15: to do to actually change and affect the relationship in
• 8:59
  Speaker 15: a positive way to have her come back.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: I guess it depends what the kids is like if
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: you got her, like, here's some tilent all because you
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: go out every night your girlfriends and to.
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: Help me to hang over.
• 9:08
  Speaker 13: And do we know if he wants to get back
• 9:10
  Speaker 13: together with her.
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: He sounds like it.
• 9:12
  Speaker 7: It does kind of sound like he doesn't want it
• 9:15
  Speaker 7: to be over because he has hope.
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: Let's see what Roy says, Roy, good morning, you're on
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: the air. Hey, good morning morning Roy.
• 9:23
  Speaker 8: That ship or so that lad if if she already
• 9:26
  Speaker 8: left him and the kids a bit of a guy
• 9:29
  Speaker 8: that did that, you guys would be saying, oh, you
• 9:33
  Speaker 8: guys would be on the guy. But but the girl
• 9:35
  Speaker 8: doing that, that's just that's just wrong. You don't leave
• 9:39
  Speaker 8: your family. I was looking on dad for thirteen years.
• 9:43
  Speaker 12: And she left.
• 9:44
  Speaker 8: She left, and I just raised them and just did
• 9:47
  Speaker 8: did my own. You just got to move on, all.
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: Right, thank you?
• 9:51
  Speaker 6: Roy. Me See, this is a this is a hot topic.
• 9:56
  Speaker 6: There's a hot button with people. It's like my time
• 9:58
  Speaker 6: a hot button. There's a hot button, you guys. I
• 10:01
  Speaker 6: gotta hit that so hard because he's a button.
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: He's a break be mad. It's a button, not a whackamle. Wow,
• 10:11
  Speaker 2: everyone's calling about this, So okay, I was gonna move
• 10:12
  Speaker 2: on to.
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: Something else, but if you eight seven seven nine three
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: seven one o four seven, I'm messaging.
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: I'm still dming with him right now. He's at work.
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: I should jump on the air with us.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: He goes, I don't believe I can step away at
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: work for the moment, So maybe we'll have more.
• 10:28
  Speaker 5: Jean Rich call.
• 10:29
  Speaker 3: The show at eight seven seven nine seven.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: We are in the middle of the situation with this
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: DM I have with the guy that wanted some advice.
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: His wife left him and the kids, and he's like,
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: do I still get her a present? And so an update?
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: I said, are you guys spending Christmas together with the kids?
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: And he's DM and me right now He's like, I'm
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: not sure nothing. He's been communicated to me. The kids
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: have the communication with her, and they've told me. She
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: hasn't said anything to them. The only thing said to
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: the kids was presence will be limited from her end.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: Kids are seventeen and twelve. That I said, did she
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: seeing other guys? Does she work?
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: And I can see the three little dots so he's.
• 11:10
  Speaker 12: Working on a rea.
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah, Denise, good morning, Hi to morning.
• 11:15
  Speaker 4: Has everybody doing great?
• 11:18
  Speaker 5: Fantastic?
• 11:20
  Speaker 16: My opinion on this is, never ever compromise who you are,
• 11:25
  Speaker 16: not ever, especially when the kids are around, because it's
• 11:29
  Speaker 16: about the example. You know that you're setting for the kids,
• 11:33
  Speaker 16: so you know, and even if he didn't get a present,
• 11:36
  Speaker 16: right then you know Christmas is happening, and then he's
• 11:40
  Speaker 16: still in all bad. Then now he's in his ceilings
• 11:44
  Speaker 16: about not kidding a gift, you know what I mean.
• 11:47
  Speaker 16: She's always going to be the mother no matter what.
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: So you think he should get a gift.
• 11:53
  Speaker 16: Absolutely Yet oh okay, you can change who he is?
• 11:56
  Speaker 16: Not ever?
• 11:58
  Speaker 9: Well yeah, they always say it's even if your kids
• 12:01
  Speaker 9: don't understand what you're doing, at some point they'll figure
• 12:04
  Speaker 9: out for themselves where you stand in the whole separation thing, right,
• 12:09
  Speaker 9: They'll make their own opinions. So just be a person
• 12:12
  Speaker 9: of integrity the whole way through.
• 12:14
  Speaker 5: Perfect That's exactly right.
• 12:17
  Speaker 16: So get the gift and continue to be who you are.
• 12:22
  Speaker 16: I mean, don't you know? Still the kids are watching
• 12:25
  Speaker 16: you know what I mean? They will They're like recorders,
• 12:28
  Speaker 16: they will repeat it.
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: Well, thanks, Denise, thank you, Hey, Ali, before he tells
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: your opinion.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: He's just updated me. I go, is she seeing other
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: guys and does she work? He said, yeah. It hurts
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: me so much that I feel like I failed my
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: kids having the family they deserve to have.
• 12:43
  Speaker 2: I am not sure if she is.
• 12:46
  Speaker 8: All.
• 12:46
  Speaker 1: I know that before I got hit with the separation,
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: she was back in talks with an old friend that
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: has been married three or four times, and each time
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: it's to a younger guy. So I'm sure that friend
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: is introducing her to his younger friends. One thing she
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: did tell me was I got married so young, and
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: then I got pregnant right after the wedding, so I
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: missed out on so much for my youth, which I
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: took as I stole her going out days. She does work.
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: I don't want to give too much because I'm afraid
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: she could be listening. Okay, Ali, your advice, go ahead.
• 13:13
  Speaker 5: Okay.
• 13:14
  Speaker 4: So if he's going to get her something, he should
• 13:15
  Speaker 4: get her something useful, like where she gets her hair
• 13:18
  Speaker 4: done or her nails or something, because I went through
• 13:21
  Speaker 4: that with the person that I was with for eight years,
• 13:23
  Speaker 4: so the father of my child. But it was uncomfortable
• 13:25
  Speaker 4: because after we separated. His gift that he got me
• 13:28
  Speaker 4: was a pair of keys to an apartment.
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: Oh nice, that sounds cool.
• 13:37
  Speaker 4: Oh no, it was it was an apartment for it
• 13:39
  Speaker 4: was an apartment for the two of us to move into,
• 13:41
  Speaker 4: because that's the thing that I wanted the most and
• 13:44
  Speaker 4: he never wanted to do that.
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: So what did you do?
• 13:50
  Speaker 4: I kindly told him no, and I told him that
• 13:53
  Speaker 4: unfortunately I had made my decision because it had been
• 13:57
  Speaker 4: eight years and her relationship hadn't gone to go.
• 14:01
  Speaker 2: Good for you? All right, thank you, Ali? I got more.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: He goes, I said, hey, make sure you listen to
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: the podcast today. I don't know if he's listening live
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: or not. Say the work, And then he goes, thank you,
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: John Jay, Can Kyle and Peyton give me their opinions?
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: And I think you have right? Or have you not?
• 14:16
  Speaker 2: Because I was just like, listen to the freaking podcast?
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: Think I left?
• 14:20
  Speaker 13: I think I agree with the first lady that we
• 14:24
  Speaker 13: talked to, where it was just like, if you are
• 14:26
  Speaker 13: spending Christmas with the kids, get her something small, you know,
• 14:30
  Speaker 13: just so it's you kind of save space, you're keeping
• 14:32
  Speaker 13: the peace. But if not, I don't think you need to.
• 14:36
  Speaker 7: I think I like the idea of going and picking
• 14:38
  Speaker 7: out a gift for her with the kids. I don't
• 14:40
  Speaker 7: think you're obligated to get her something from you, but
• 14:43
  Speaker 7: I do think it would be special to have them
• 14:45
  Speaker 7: pick something out for her.
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah, all right, there you go, Kyl and Payton. Fantastic advice.
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: Grateful that you guys are here. So from what I'm
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: gathering for the last forty five minutes of the show
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: is for Christmas.
• 14:57
  Speaker 2: I should get Blake Corona apartment.
• 15:00
  Speaker 13: And I think I take that out of there you go,
• 15:03
  Speaker 13: And I don't think she would like to be.
• 15:05
  Speaker 16: TV alone for you.
• 15:07
  Speaker 6: Last night.
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: I want to watch my shows on my new TV.
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: They're watching the un A basketball game in there. What Gibs,
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: this is my TV.
• 15:14
  Speaker 9: You got the whole houses, my TVs one thing nuts.
• 15:17
  Speaker 2: Man. I can't wait for the holidays are over. Everyone
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: go back to school.