Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1173 - The Fine Line: Coaching Anxious Kids Without Parent Drama

Transcript

#1173 - The Fine Line: Coaching Anxious Kids Without Parent Drama · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: You have a child, they're anxious, they're unsure, they're apprehensive.
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  Speaker 1: Do they or do they not want to participate in
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  Speaker 1: this extra curricular activity that you think is going to
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  Speaker 1: change their life and enrich them so much. You're the coach.
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  Speaker 1: You're trying to juggle the relationship between you and the
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  Speaker 1: parent and the child, and it's all very complicated. Today
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  Speaker 1: we answer your questions what you do when your child
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  Speaker 1: doesn't want to play sport, or when you're the coach
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  Speaker 1: and the parents are pushing the kids too hard. Hello,
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  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Happy Families podcast, Real parenting Solutions every
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  Speaker 1: day on Australia's most downloaded parent podcast. We are Justin
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  Speaker 1: and Kylie Coulson. Every Tuesday, Kylie, we answer your tricky
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  Speaker 1: questions family stuff, relationship stuff, kids stuff, well being, screens, discipline,
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  Speaker 1: you name it. If you would like to submit a question,
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  Speaker 1: send us an email podcasts at happy families dot com
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  Speaker 1: dot Au or jump onto the web site, scroll down
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  Speaker 1: to the podcast section and use our super simple system
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  Speaker 1: Happy families dot com dot Au. Just click the record
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  Speaker 1: button and start talking. Like this one from our anonymous
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  Speaker 1: listener who asks, I.
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  Speaker 2: Have a question about talking to kids in a coaching situation.
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  Speaker 2: As I've just started coaching kids age nine to thirteen,
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  Speaker 2: I understand I'm often the voice of my kid's head.
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  Speaker 2: As a person with anxiety who hates experiencing it, I
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  Speaker 2: try to encourage my kids to step beyond their fears
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  Speaker 2: and worries and to make their world a bigger place,
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  Speaker 2: to not restrict themselves by fear. Sometimes this work, sometimes
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  Speaker 2: they need more time. So when you have a nervous
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  Speaker 2: kin and a team and you hear parents discouraging or
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  Speaker 2: even insulting their kids by saying they are too afraid,
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  Speaker 2: they will just stand there. What do you do? I'm
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  Speaker 2: not their parent, it's not my kid. I'm not here
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  Speaker 2: to judge. Sometimes we need a person who offers an
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  Speaker 2: alternative voice, one that says, hey, maybe you can try
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  Speaker 2: this new thing. What's the best way to do this,
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  Speaker 2: especially if the parent is right there without overstepping.
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  Speaker 1: Thanks tricky relationships, Kylie, Tricky situations.
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  Speaker 3: We've got four tips four coaches in this situation.
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  Speaker 1: And then a handful of tips for parents, because, let's
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  Speaker 1: face it, sometimes we do as parents want to make
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  Speaker 1: it all about us when it's all about the kids.
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  Speaker 1: Let's kick off number one, if you're the coach.
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  Speaker 3: Best piece of advice I can give you minimize parents involves.
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  Speaker 1: That's so much more polightly than I was going to
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  Speaker 1: say it. I was going to say, kick the parents out.
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  Speaker 3: I remember when our kids first started swimming lessons, we
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  Speaker 3: actually were stuck in a room behind the glass.
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  Speaker 1: That's right, yeah, yeah, yeah. In fact, several of the
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  Speaker 1: places where our kids have had swimming lessons over the
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  Speaker 1: years have adopted the same strategy. The parents don't go
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  Speaker 1: into the pool space.
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  Speaker 3: We actually become a distraction to our children when we're
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  Speaker 3: paying for them to have this experience. They need one
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  Speaker 3: voice to listen to, one person they can look to
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  Speaker 3: for guidance, direction, and we just add a holy then
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  Speaker 3: noise and confuses them.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, coaches, keep the parents out. This is between you
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  Speaker 1: and the kids now, I think, and parents remember it's
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  Speaker 1: your child's experience, like your child signed up for it.
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  Speaker 1: Your child wants to play the sport. Your child wants
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  Speaker 1: to be with their friends to their experience, so let
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  Speaker 1: them have that experience. That's theirs.
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  Speaker 4: Now.
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  Speaker 3: Number two for coaches, get curious, so important you get
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  Speaker 3: to know the kids. And that's not something that you
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  Speaker 3: can just do on the field. You really actually have
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  Speaker 3: to take a little bit of extra time to spend
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  Speaker 3: with them to know how they tick, to know what
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  Speaker 3: excites them, to know how they actually work.
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  Speaker 1: Something that we didn't say in listening to that message
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  Speaker 1: is just and we're keeping the person's name anonymous. But
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  Speaker 1: what a great thing to be volunteering your time, to
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  Speaker 1: be making a contribution, to be looking at young lives
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  Speaker 1: and focusing on building them up and enriching them and
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  Speaker 1: enlarging them. I just think this is such a good
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  Speaker 1: thing to be doing. And as parents, again, our job
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  Speaker 1: really should be so as long as we have the
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  Speaker 1: confidence that the coach as a safe person. And usually
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  Speaker 1: most states have all sorts of legislative things that people
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  Speaker 1: need to jump through hoops to jump through so that
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  Speaker 1: you can become somebody who works with children. These people
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  Speaker 1: are giving up their time and their energy and their
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  Speaker 1: effort and their resources to help the kids. I just
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  Speaker 1: I think it's great. And what I also would say
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  Speaker 1: is most coaches will be curious. They'll be curious about
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  Speaker 1: the kids. And if you're a coach with a child
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  Speaker 1: who is anxious, apprehensive, worried, ambivalent, the best thing you
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  Speaker 1: can do is say Hey, tell me, how are you
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  Speaker 1: feeling about that? What's going on? Like, have the conversation
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  Speaker 1: and see what insights they give you.
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  Speaker 3: I am currently volunteering in a youth group at our church.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, you look after all the kids, all the girls
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  Speaker 1: from what twelve to eighteen?
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, And I've taken the opportunity this year to spend
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  Speaker 3: some time with their families and get to have conversations
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  Speaker 3: with parents, And I've asked them, what is the one
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  Speaker 3: thing that would make the biggest difference for your child
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  Speaker 3: this year in feeling loved and appreciated? You know what
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  Speaker 3: they say, tell me literally just acknowledging their child by name.
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  Speaker 3: Too often, especially in a team situation, we talk to
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  Speaker 3: the teams.
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  Speaker 1: So that's so profound, it's so ridiculously since what need
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  Speaker 1: to be said? Yes, and yet it's so powerful because
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  Speaker 1: when people know that you know their name and that
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  Speaker 1: your acknowledging them, they feel like they belong.
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  Speaker 3: And just that individual acknowledgment, Hey, Lily, it's so great
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  Speaker 3: to see you here today. Thanks for joining us or
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  Speaker 3: whatever makes all the difference, because all of a sudden,
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  Speaker 3: those kids feel seen.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: And of course, because we're talking about this issue of
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  Speaker 1: children feeling anxious and parents overstepping the willingness on the
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  Speaker 1: part of the coach to step in, lean in, ask questions,
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  Speaker 1: get curious rather than being judgmental. I just think there's
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  Speaker 1: so much power in that, so valuable number three.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, so you've got a wonderful opportunity to invite or
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  Speaker 3: challenge kids to try something different, to experiment on different
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  Speaker 3: ways that they might approach things.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, empower them, especially if the parents are out of
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  Speaker 1: the picture a little bit. You've got the opportunity to say, well,
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  Speaker 1: let's read write the script, just because that's how you
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  Speaker 1: feel when you've got that audience, or that's what you've
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  Speaker 1: told your parents, what would look like if do you reckon?
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  Speaker 1: We could try that. Reframing the anxiety is so powerful.
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  Speaker 1: In fact, Emma McKean was on the podcast recently. Emma
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  Speaker 1: is Australia's most decorated Olympian in history, and she was
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  Speaker 1: having a chat with me about this very thing. Here's
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  Speaker 1: what she said.
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  Speaker 4: It's definitely still got nervous when I was young, and
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  Speaker 4: that's just because I cared about what I was about
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  Speaker 4: to do and didn't know what I might be about
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  Speaker 4: to do, and so the nerves are actually the same
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  Speaker 4: whether whether I was at a state level meet or
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  Speaker 4: through to when I eventually was at an Olympic. So
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  Speaker 4: I think it's refraining it in your head and seeing
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  Speaker 4: the nerves is a good thing. The nerves are like
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  Speaker 4: little bouts of energy that you can use in your ace,
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  Speaker 4: and nerds are showing you that you care. Nerds are
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  Speaker 4: showing you that you're doing something brave and worthwhile. I
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  Speaker 4: think it's reframing it in more of a positive way.
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  Speaker 1: Kylie, great advice, So simple to reframe that. After the break,
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  Speaker 1: we'll talk about what parents can do if their kids
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  Speaker 1: are anxious about participating in sport. Okay, you've got the
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  Speaker 1: coach who wants your kids to do well. You want
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  Speaker 1: to do well, but your children are feeling nervous, apprehensive, worried.
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  Speaker 1: What are you supposed to do? How are you supposed
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  Speaker 1: to do this? Kylie and I have got four quick
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  Speaker 1: things to run through if you're the parent, to help
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  Speaker 1: you to navigate this tricky situation. First one, in all my.
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  Speaker 3: Time working in childcare, the number one advice that I
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  Speaker 3: would give to parents when their children were distressed as
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  Speaker 3: they left was to just go the longer they stayed
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  Speaker 3: involved in the situation, the longer the child was distressful.
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  Speaker 3: Nine times out of ten that parent walked out the door.
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  Speaker 3: I gave those kids a gentle hug, and within minutes
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  Speaker 3: they were settled and ready to get on with the day.
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  Speaker 3: And that's the same with our kids in these situations.
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  Speaker 4: Get out of the way.
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  Speaker 1: I feel like there's some repetition here. We said that
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  Speaker 1: in relation to coaches. But let me extend this by
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  Speaker 1: just a smidge. What you've got to do as a
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  Speaker 1: parent is trust. Now, my definition of trust is that
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  Speaker 1: you believe that the other person is going to act
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  Speaker 1: in your best interests or in this case, in your
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  Speaker 1: child's best interest. If you can trust the coach that
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  Speaker 1: they really are there with great intentions, great motives, and
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  Speaker 1: they want to help your child, then trust the coach,
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  Speaker 1: remember that it's not about you, and leave them to
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  Speaker 1: work it out. I think that's where the value is
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  Speaker 1: in this conversation.
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  Speaker 3: This question number two might be a bit provocative for
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  Speaker 3: the anxious parent.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, it is.
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  Speaker 3: You've got to love the hills.
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  Speaker 1: So I've shared this so many times on the podcast
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  Speaker 1: and in my Resilient seminars. When I travel around the
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  Speaker 1: country and give these workshops and presentations in schools. As
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  Speaker 1: a cyclist, what I discovered when I was competing many
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  Speaker 1: years ago was that I could only become the strong
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  Speaker 1: cycle I wanted to be by riding uphill, not by
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  Speaker 1: riding downhill. Everyone likes the downhills. They're fun, they're fast,
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  Speaker 1: they're free, They're just delightful, and you smile all the
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  Speaker 1: way down uphill. You're gritting your teeth. It's hard, there's
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  Speaker 1: no joy in it at all, really, But when you
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  Speaker 1: teach your kids to love the hills, you teach them
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  Speaker 1: to develop character, determination, persistence, and an attitude that when
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  Speaker 1: I do hard things, I reap the rewards. The rewards
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  Speaker 1: being you get to the top and feel the sense
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  Speaker 1: of accomplishment.
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  Speaker 3: And then you get to go downhill.
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  Speaker 1: You get to go downhill and you get to enjoy
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  Speaker 1: the view. That's what I was going to say. Just
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  Speaker 1: the scenery when you get to the top of those
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  Speaker 1: thirty minute climbs is amazing. Quick side note, very embarrassing.
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  Speaker 1: Several years ago, I took my bicycle with me when
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  Speaker 1: I went on a writing retreat. I went to my
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  Speaker 1: mentors home in the Rocky Mountains in Utah, in the
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  Speaker 1: USA and stayed there for two weeks while I wrote
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  Speaker 1: Ten Things Every Parent Needs to Know. But each morning
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  Speaker 1: before I wrote, I'd jump on the bike and I'd
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  Speaker 1: ride to the top of this thing called the Alpine Pass.
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  Speaker 1: The first day I did it, it took me about
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  Speaker 1: an hour and twenty two minutes, and I worked so
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  Speaker 1: hard to get to the top of that hill, Kylie.
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  Speaker 1: I checked Strava when I got back to the office
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  Speaker 1: to see what the record got. The fastest time up
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  Speaker 1: that climb was the Tour of Utah had been on
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  Speaker 1: a couple of weeks earlier, so all the professionals had
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  Speaker 1: gone through there. The fastest time was like thirty seven minutes,
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  Speaker 1: and I nearly had a heart attack doing in an
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  Speaker 1: hour and twenty or something. It's just brutally anyway, teach
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  Speaker 1: the kids that they've got to love the hills. Stay
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  Speaker 1: out of the way. It's not about you. Two more
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  Speaker 1: quick ones.
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  Speaker 3: Number three, don't minimize what your child's feeling.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, like you'll be right. No no, no, no no no,
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  Speaker 1: that's not going to work. Just get out there and
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  Speaker 1: give it a crack. It's not hard to say to them.
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  Speaker 1: I know this is scary for you, or this feels
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  Speaker 1: tough for you, doesn't it? Or this wire is you
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  Speaker 1: give them that little rub on the back, that little
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  Speaker 1: pat right there so that you can stimulate their vagal
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  Speaker 1: tone and help them feel a bit better about life.
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  Speaker 1: And then step into number four, which is probably the
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  Speaker 1: most important thing that I talk about in all parenting
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: stuff that I talk about.
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  Speaker 3: The three is we're going to explore with them, We're
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  Speaker 3: going to explain, and we're going to empower.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, Explore is getting curious and understanding where they're coming from.
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  Speaker 1: Explaining is stepping out for them. Why there's value in
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  Speaker 1: this enriching activity and empowering goes back to what we
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  Speaker 1: talked about with the coach. Say to them, what would
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  Speaker 1: it be like to experiment? What would it look like
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  Speaker 1: if you were going to be successful? What things would
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  Speaker 1: you do? How do you want to proceed from here?
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  Speaker 1: It's about moving them through it with confidence and positivity,
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  Speaker 1: love the question, really grateful for it, and a little
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  Speaker 1: bit out of the ordinary. Not what we normally answer,
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: but we've literally said, ask us anything, Send us your
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: emails podcasts at happy families dot com dot you or
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: go to happy families dot com dot au to ask
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: whatever tricky question you'd like. We're literally happy to answer
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: anything that's on your mind about not pretty much, anything
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  Speaker 1: that we can squeeze into the pod Happy families dot
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: com dot AU Click the record button, start talking. The
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  Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Rouland Bridge Media.
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  Speaker 1: More information and more resources to make your family happier
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: are available at happy families dot com dot a um