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Trauma Triggers · Trauma Free Relationship

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Welcome to Trauma Free Relationship, a podcast that
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provides support and guidance to help heal the wounds of
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attachment trauma. Whether you find yourself
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struggling with unresolved issues in the past or have
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experienced trauma in your current relationship, our goal
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is to provide accurate, scientifically informed
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information as well as the tools to help you create a secure
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connection between you and your partner.
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And here's your host, Tom Phillip.
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Have you? Ever had this happen to you?
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So your partner's responding or saying something and they give
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you a certain look or maybe they use a tone of voice and all of a
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sudden everything inside you just feels this shift and you
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move into a place of protection. Well, that's what we're going to
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talk about today. We're going to talk about trauma
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triggers. So what are trauma triggers?
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Well, there's several different things, but let's just kind of
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run down a four point list of what an actual trigger is.
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First of all, a trigger. It is an emotional response to a
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sensitive spot that when touched, they elicit strong
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reactions. And they're often rooted in past
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experiences such as trauma, hurt, unmet needs, or unresolved
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issues. So the first thing a trigger is,
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is that it elicits an emotional response from us.
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It really jars us, and often times we move into a place of
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protection, often without even knowing it.
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The second thing a trigger is, is it's a cue or signal that is
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perceived as some kind of threat or danger either to the
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relationship or to our sense of self.
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So remember, the brain doesn't distinguish between a small and
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a large threat. It doesn't know, oh, this is my
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loving partner who actually cares about me.
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It just knows that in this moment, this feels like a
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threat. And it feels similar to
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something that happened in the past that was threatening as
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well. So when we get that cue again,
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it could be a tone of voice, it could be a facial expression, it
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could be a body posture, it could be certain words or sounds
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or images, and we'll. Get into different kinds of
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views here in just a moment. But when we get that cue or that
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signal, it tells our brain, uh oh, something's amiss here.
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Something in our environment feels threatening to either our
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relationship or feels threatening to our sense of
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self. The third thing about a trigger
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is it causes an automatic internal response that is part
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of motion. As we covered, it's also a part
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thought. And it's part behavioral and
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we're going to detail that here in just a moment because there
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is a cascade of events that happen internally inside of us
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when we get triggered. But this certainly starts the
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process for, for these things happening internally inside of
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us. When we get a cue or a signal,
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then we have a strong motional response.
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Which is part thought and part behavioral as well.
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And finally, trauma triggers. They cause emotional reactions
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as if the trauma was still occurring.
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Now remember trauma and and even even if it's not trauma, even if
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it's just past hurts, you had a previous spouse that cheated on
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you and you found them in bed. I'm not making that up.
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I've had. I've had those real stories told
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to me. You found out they were lying to
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you over finances. These things can be pivotal
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moments in a relationship and though they may not be life
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threatening in in the terms of quote UN quote trauma, they
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definitely cause a strong emotional reaction and
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oftentimes because the couple has difficulty being able to
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repair those kinds of ruptures. They're unresolved at their
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root. And so trauma triggers that
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cause an emotional reaction as if the trauma was still
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occurring. And again, remember, trauma
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lives in the right hemisphere. It lives in the right side of
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our brain, which is the nonverbal side of our brain.
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That brain is that part of the brain is most closely aligned
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and connected to our emotional centers.
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As well as our threat centers of the brain.
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And so that's why we can take in these cues from our partner.
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That's why all of a sudden it feels threatening to us.
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And often times we don't have words to put to these emotional
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reactions. So trauma triggers can be a lot
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of things. They can be an emotional trigger
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to a sensitive spot. It can come from a queue or a
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signal that is perceived as a threat, and it can cause an
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automatic internal response. And by automatic, I mean we're
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not in control of it. It's happening at an implicit
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level of our consciousness. And we don't sit there and say
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to ourselves, Oh my gosh, I saw that look, now I think I'm going
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to. Get frustrated and get angry or
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I'm going to begin to feel worthless and I'm going to
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withdraw. For my partner, it is an
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automatic reaction that elicits an emotion, a thought, which is
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the meaning of that emotion, and then a behavioral or action
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tendency, which is do we fight back?
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Do we shut down, do we withdraw from our partner?
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Do we tend to freeze and all of a sudden?
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We don't know what to think. We don't know what to feel.
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We can't quite gather the words that we want to say to our
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partner in those moments. And so these fight, flight or
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freeze responses are very much a part of the trauma triggers.
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So in the second part, let's dive in a little bit more.
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Let's talk about what is, what is the different types of
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triggers, because they can be a lot of different things and some
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of which I've already explained. And you probably the listener
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knows already at some level of awareness what a trigger is for
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you. When my partner uses this tone,
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it feels condescending. I feel like they're the parent
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and I am the child. I feel like they're talking down
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to me, and that just goes all through me.
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That just goes all over me. So yeah, then, you know, if
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that's a scenario that fits for you at all, you know what kind
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of trigger sets you off? You know what that trigger is
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and you're able to go, yeah, it's when they use that tone.
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Here's the feeling I have, here's the emotion that comes up
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for me. And finally, here's how I often
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respond to it. I fight back.
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I tell my partner you're not better than me.
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That you don't always know better than me that I have a
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voice in this relationship. And more importantly, I know
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myself and I get to determine what I want and what I feel and
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what I need. You don't get to tell me that.
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So there can be all kinds of different responses, but when we
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start talking about triggers, we are really talking about
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primarily 4 different types of triggers or they can fall into
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four different categories. And the first one is the tone of
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voice, right? We have a implicit model of what
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a loving and caring tone is for us, and that's rooted in some of
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our earliest relationships. Hopefully we have that model.
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Some, some people that that do have massive amounts of trauma
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have a very harsh tone of voice embedded in their head from
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their caretakers, from their their parents, whoever it was
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that that may have raised them. That may have been the prominent
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figures in their life. That tone of voice in their head
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is very harsh and very critical, also at times very damaging and
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damaging to our sense of self and our self esteem.
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So when we encounter that tone, it immediately creates a a
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series of events inside of us, and the first thing it does is
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it creates A physiological shift.
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And we move into a place of protection because now all of a
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sudden this feeling has come up inside of us that quite frankly,
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feels really bad. It it hurts.
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It sends us to a place in time that was not fun, that was often
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difficult, that we often couldn't escape or get out of.
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And so as a result, we, we can feel trapped.
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And again, I I don't. I don't think it's too often.
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That I point this out and all, you'll probably hear me say this
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more and more and more when we get triggered, often times it is
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if the event is still happening, it's not something that happened
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there and then it is something that is happening here and now.
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And I think that's really important because those
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unresolved issues come back to us in in partial and implicit
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memories, sometimes in whole memories, memories, but
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sometimes only in partial memories.
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And it throws us into a place as if the the trauma, the hurt, the
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pain, the struggle, the fears were still present within us.
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So tone of voice is a huge trigger.
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Tone of voice is is most often what happens often.
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Tell my couples that when they're communicating back and
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forth that the vast majority of communication I I think studies
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show 67%. Is nonverbal.
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And So what you're the right side of your brain, the right
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hemisphere is really tracking is the body posture, the tone of
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voice, the facial expressions of your partner.
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And you're picking that up far more than the actual words that
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they're saying. By the time we're an adult, we
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have a fairly good grasp of language and so our left
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hemisphere, which is the language side of our brain.
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It it can grasp most languages, most context of words, so on and
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so forth. It doesn't have to work as hard
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to really pick up the actual words our partner is saying.
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But the right side of our brain, it's what's in touch with the
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threat centers and the emotional centers and certainly the
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attachment centers and our attachment longings that we
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perceive in the communication between our partners and
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ourselves. So tone of voice.
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Is a huge, huge trigger and most often, at least in the couples
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that I see most often, is the cause of the triggers.
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The second one certainly can be facial expression.
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There's a lot of research and some great research that was
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done out there on facial expressions and I think about
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the research of Eckerd and how he was able to outline 6 or 7
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basic emotions. Based on facial expressions and
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these basic emotions like interest, sadness, anger,
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disgust, these are the world over.
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And so believe it or not, we have certain facial expressions
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that across cultures and across genders we tend to use when a
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basic emotion. And by basic I mean the most
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base emotion. There's there's several
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different kind of layers. So if we combine emotions that
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that cannot necessarily be a base emotion.
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It can be two emotions that are coming together to create a new
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emotion. So for example, abandonment is
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an emotion, but it's also a cognition and it's it's several
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different emotions coming together.
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It could be fear and sadness also with the idea that we could
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be left or abandoned. And and and the feeling of a
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lowness that that can elicit all can create a sense of
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abandonment. So that would be a complex
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emotion, abandonment or rejection.
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Whereas I'm talking about our most based physiological
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emotions and those are often housed in our facial
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expressions. So when you're talking to your
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partner and they have a furrowed brow, their eyebrows tend to
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scrunch down, move towards. You might not, based on your
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history, know quite how to interpret that.
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One interpretation might be, Oh well, they're confused and I
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need to explain myself better. Another interpretation may be,
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oh, they're angry and they didn't like what I just said.
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A third interpretation might be Oh my gosh, they think I'm an
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idiot. They think what I'm saying is
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completely wrong. And so now I'm going into this
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shame spiral about myself and about what I'm saying.
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All of a sudden I feel very embarrassed or humiliated about
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what I've said because I feel like there's judgment behind
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their eyes. So we can interpret facial
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expressions in a broad, a broad spectrum and and but that can
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often be very much a trigger for us.
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And and based on our past learnings in in our close
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relationships, we might or might not interpret those correctly
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based on what the other person is thinking or feelings.
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So any of these types of triggers, the tone of voice, the
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facial expression, it doesn't tell us we're accurate.
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As a matter of fact, there's a broad base of evidence that
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suggests that when we get triggered.
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Because we move into a nonverbal and emotional part of our brain,
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we are more likely to misinterpret what our partner is
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thinking and feeling. And so our sense of accuracy
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about what our partner is really sensing and feeling is
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oftentimes really skewed in terms of our ability to
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accurately predict what they're thinking.
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Or feeling. So tone of voice, facial
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expression, two big triggers, a third big trigger, body posture.
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And again, this lines up a lot with the nonverbal types of
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communication we we see and get from our partner.
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Body posture could be somebody crossing their arms.
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I've often times had to untrain myself in sessions not to cross
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my arms because it feels like I'm getting defensive.
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It feels like I'm. You know, it's a body posture
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that almost says like, hmm, you're not really very accurate
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what you're telling me and I'm getting upset with you.
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So it's communicating certain things to our partner when we
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sort of cross our arms. So I've had to sort of overtime
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teach myself not to cross my arms in sessions with my couples
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because it doesn't send a good message that I'm really
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interested in attuning to them, that that my desire is to be
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able to step into their shoes. And understand this relationship
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through their eyes, because that's really the message that I
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want to be sending to them. So body posture plays a a large
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role in trauma triggers as well. And finally, those are all
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outside of ourselves, triggers that come from outside of
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ourselves. But triggers can also come from
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inside ourselves. They can come from an internal
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thought or a feeling that arises.
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And so oftentimes we can be sitting down and having a
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conversation with our partner and because of what they're
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saying or because of a facial expression, we can begin to have
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certain feelings and certain thoughts that may be completely
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unrelated to that conversation. And so it's not necessarily
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outside of US that that. We get triggered.
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It can be from inside of us as well, and so those internal
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thoughts and feelings can rise up and they can trigger us.
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I often think of like flashbacks, right?
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Flashbacks are are brief, visual, and they can be auditory
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as well. But visual moments or episodes
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of a hurt, unresolved issue or trauma?
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That can then trigger us in the moment and so we can be having a
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conversation that recalls a certain time or memory that
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comes back to us that then internally creates a trigger
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inside of us as well. And so those are four different
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broad categories of of types of different triggers, and I call
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the trauma triggers, but they can also be just general hurts
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and any unresolved. Pain point from from our past or
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even from something that's happened in our current
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relationship. Now this third part what I want
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to talk about is our internal response to triggers.
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And I alluded to this when I was talking about what an actual
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trigger is. Because when we get triggered,
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as I've said, there is a cue that is sent to us that is
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interpreted as a threat, either a threat within our
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relationship. Or a threat to our sense of
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self. And then the series of events
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happens inside of us. The first thing that happens is
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that we have some kind of an emotion or feeling that
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immediately rises up in us. And so that may be fear, or it
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may be sadness, or it may be discussed.
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Maybe we are really disgusted by what our partner is saying.
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And it could be, of course. It could be a sense of
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happiness. It could be a sense of joy.
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Maybe our partner is saying something, loving and kind and
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validating and encouraging to us.
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And so that can be a positive thing that we need to learn how
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to take in to replace those negative triggers so that we can
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really learn how to. To install the positive feelings
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in our relationship as well. And I probably don't talk enough
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about that in my podcast, because installing and and
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reinforcing those positive feelings on our relationship is
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just as crucial as being able to dive in and and resolve and
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learn how to share with our partner those those hurtful and
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painful emotions. So the first thing that happens
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is we get triggered, we get that cue, it feels like a threat, and
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then this emotion or feeling rises up inside of us.
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And because often times it's an unpleasant emotion, we really
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don't like to sit with that very long.
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And so that emotion immediately recalls some kind of meaning, or
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a story that we tell ourselves. And the story could be something
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we tell ourselves about our partner.
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Our partner is a bad person because they're wanting to hurt
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us right now. Our partner just doesn't get
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what I'm saying. It's almost like they just don't
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see me or hear me at all. Or maybe you tell a story about
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yourself. I'm a bad person because I think
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this, or I feel this, or I'm a bad person because I couldn't
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stop myself from getting hurt right now.
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Or I must be weak because this affects me?
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This hurt me. What my partner just said or
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what what they just did, the look they just gave me.
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And so there's a meaning that a story that we tell ourselves
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that comes along with these emotions.
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And then when we begin to tell ourselves these stories, we
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immediately have some kind of a behavioral response.
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There's an action tendency that comes along with these.
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And so maybe it is to shut down, to pull away.
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Maybe it's to disassociate. We want to cut off and
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compartmentalize our feelings. This feels really bad.
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I hate this feeling when it comes up.
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I don't like feeling sad. I don't like feeling anxious.
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I don't like feeling bad about myself and my low self esteem.
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So I'm just going to compartmentalize my feelings.
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I'm going to disassociate from them, and that way I don't have
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to feel this anymore. I'm going to cut those feelings
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off. Or we might go into a fight in
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an angry or an aggressive stance.
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Hey, what are you talking? Why did you give me that look?
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What are you talking about? Why are you making me feel this
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way? And all of a sudden I'm going to
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turn up the heat on my partner and I'm going to give them the
20:54
third degree because I don't like the feeling that I just
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had. And that, of course, is the
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opposite of shutting down. That is the opposite of
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distancing ourself from our partner.
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Moving away, not only maybe just physically, which certainly we
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can do, but moving away emotionally no longer being
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available and responsive to them.
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And then one thing that's often very common is that our
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behavioral response might be to go into a secondary emotion.
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And so not only might we shut down, not only might we fight or
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get angry or aggressive or try to turn up the heat and fight
21:33
back on our partner, but often times we might use another
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feeling to then protect the more vulnerable feeling we have.
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And we see this all the time. And it's called a secondary
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emotion. So when my partner gave me a
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look, it was a cue to me that that I had said something wrong.
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I felt my partner was judging me.
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And the meaning behind that is that I felt ashamed.
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I felt stupid in the moment. I shouldn't have said that I
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said something thoughtlessly. Or maybe I wasn't as informed as
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I needed to be, and so the feeling I'm having is a sense of
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of humiliation, sense of shame, a sense of yeah, I can feel
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myself esteem drop and I feel the judgmental eyes of my
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partner. The meaning behind that is that
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well, I just must be a loser. I just, once again, I'm not
22:26
getting it right. And my behavioral response might
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be to instead of sitting with that vulnerable feeling long
22:33
enough, I then want to cover it up.
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So maybe I use anger to cover it up.
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Well, you know, you don't say things right all the time
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either. Sometimes you think stupid.
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I can't believe you're attacking me.
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Geez, I made a mistake. What is wrong with you?
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Right. So maybe I move into a place of
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anger and I use a secondary emotion to protect the more
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vulnerable feeling that I'm having.
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So I want to sort of tie all this together at this point in
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time of where we are. We've talked about triggers.
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We've talked about what a trigger is, that it's a cue or a
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signal we often get that feels like a threat.
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We've now talked about the different types of triggers,
23:14
facial expressions, body postures, could be an internal
23:18
trigger to us in the terms of a memory that comes back sort of
23:23
out of the blue. And we've talked about this
23:26
cascade of events, the series of events that happens internally
23:30
in in all of us. When we get triggered that a
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trigger happens, it elicits an emotion or feeling, which
23:38
usually is painful. Then we have a meaning of story.
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We tell ourselves about that emotion, and then we have a
23:46
behavioral response. We shut down, we fight, get
23:50
angry, we turn up the heat. We we shut our emotions down or
23:54
distance our self from them or we use another emotion to then
23:59
be able to protect the more vulnerable emotion.
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So I say all this to say that it's really important to be able
24:08
to know your triggers because in order to do that, you've got to
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be able to find yourself and be aware enough of yourself to be
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able to somewhat anticipate. You're not going to be able to
24:20
anticipate all our triggers because they are just that they
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often come out of the blue for us.
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But but there is a part of our brain and our nervous system
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that actually scans the environment, especially when we
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have past trauma, when we have unresolved issues, it scans the
24:36
environment enough to put us on some kind of awareness that are
24:41
we going to get triggered in this kind of an environment.
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And so after trigger, it takes time for a nervous system to
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learn to recover and return to baseline.
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And so knowing your triggers, knowing when you get triggered,
24:56
it's really important to give yourself time to be able to take
25:00
your Physiology, your emotional reaction, and pull it back into
25:05
baseline. And so sometimes, and studies
25:08
have shown that could be anywhere from 15 to 30 to maybe
25:13
even 60 minutes, depending on your window of tolerance.
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If you have a lot of trauma in your background as opposed to
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maybe just a few isolated hurts here and there, that can still
25:26
be painful and still trigger you.
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But if it's more pervasive, like attachment trauma, relational
25:32
trauma in that sense, then it might take you longer to calm
25:35
down. That's okay.
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Give yourself time. Be compassionate with yourself.
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Let yourself know I have just been triggered and I need to
25:45
take some time to allow myself to come back to baseline
25:50
physiologically. Because if you don't then any
25:53
kind of reaction you give in that moment is going to be a
25:57
reaction that comes out of a place of self preservation,
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defensiveness and and your protective strategies that you
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use. So first of all give yourself
26:08
time when you get triggered. Secondly, self soothe.
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Self compassion is hugely important in this moment.
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Being able to recall a an internalized figure that was
26:23
calming and soothing. Usually there's always somebody
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in the life of my couples that was a champion of them when they
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were hung younger, when they did not have a great home life.
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There's always an aunt, an uncle, a neighbor next door, my
26:43
best friend's parents, somebody somebody saw me and saw my
26:48
worth. And if that's a relationship
26:50
that you can recall, you need to be able to recall those
26:54
relationships and recall the loving gleam in their eye when
26:59
they saw you because that is really important to be able to
27:03
remember when we often get triggered.
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Self soothing can also come in the form of listening to music,
27:10
taking a walk, taking a drive, taking a warm bath.
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Sometimes I will tell my couples they need to be able to calm
27:19
themselves and self soothe by rubbing their arms.
27:23
So rub your rub your forearm in an in a nice calm stroking
27:27
manner as if a warm and loving parent was was comforting you in
27:33
that moment. So the ultimate goal of knowing
27:36
your triggers is to be able to get soothing from your partner.
27:41
But to do that, you've got to be able to reach out in that moment
27:45
of hurt and pain and share that with your partner.
27:49
And your partner's got to be in a place where they can be able
27:53
to respond in a loving, caring and compassionate way.
27:58
And that, ultimately, is what couples therapy is about.
28:02
The healing that we do, that I do with my couples is all about
28:06
helping partners get into a place of those unresolved
28:11
painful issues and sharing them with their partner and their
28:15
partner. Being able to show up, being
28:18
able to respond to them in those moments.
28:22
That is crucial for a secure and safe connection in our
28:27
relationships, and for some of my couples, it is the first time
28:31
in their lives when they've ever been able to share their
28:35
vulnerability and have somebody show up for them.
28:39
So other soothing is the goal. But I also recognize, and so
28:42
this is the caveat to that, that it's not always possible.
28:46
It takes time to be able to learn to stay with and track
28:51
your vulnerability long enough to be able to share that with
28:55
your partner and not move into your defensive or your secondary
29:02
emotions or your protective responses.
29:06
And so being able to self soothe, being able to give
29:09
yourself time and then finally track your intrusive thoughts
29:13
and memories to determine how often you get triggered.
29:17
So this is just simply something you can chart on a piece of
29:20
paper, take take a seven day period and write down at the end
29:25
of the day. Did I get triggered today?
29:28
Was there a time where I noticed that physiologically I shifted
29:34
and then I moved into a place of protection in any of my
29:38
interactions, but certainly in your interactions with your
29:40
partner? This is important because it's
29:43
important to know how often you get triggered.
29:45
And this is a way to become really selfaware of what
29:50
triggers you, what, what situations are likely to trigger
29:54
you and your behavioral response to that.
29:57
So what is the meaning make of that emotion?
30:01
And then how do I usually respond in those moments?
30:04
There was a 2016 study that asked 46 participants to record
30:09
how often they get triggered over a seven day period.
30:13
This study group recorded 294 intrusive memories and often did
30:19
not know their trigger. So that's a lot of intrusive
30:24
memories that happened, but they weren't able to tie those
30:28
memories, those painful memories that came up, as well as the
30:31
stories they tell themselves about those emotions to the
30:36
actual trigger, whether it was an internal thought or whether
30:39
it was something outside themselves.
30:41
So the first step in being able to tame our trauma triggers is
30:46
to be able to know what triggers up.
30:49
So I just encourage you to spend some time on yourself over the
30:54
next week. Take a piece of paper.
30:56
Write down at the top of it a column for triggers.
31:01
Write down the event or the person that that caused that
31:05
trigger. Write down in another column a
31:08
heading that says emotion. Write down the meaning of that
31:12
emotion in another column. And finally write down what was
31:15
my behavioral response. What did I do in those moments
31:19
that I that I cover it with another emotion that I
31:22
immediately move into anger and criticism?
31:25
Or did I just shut down and remove myself and and distance
31:29
myself from my emotions and from that person?
31:32
So I just encourage you over the next seven days to do a little
31:35
bit of self work here. This is vitally, vitally
31:37
important for you. Being able to tame your trauma
31:40
triggers is to know what those triggers are and to be able to
31:45
identify them as best as possible, at least as many of
31:49
them as possible, so that you can take that power back.
31:52
When you get triggered, you can go ah, I know what this is
31:55
because I know myself well enough to know how I'm likely to
31:59
respond. I want to thank you for
32:01
listening. As always, please feel free to
32:05
to like our podcast, to follow our podcast, to to make
32:09
comments. I'd love to hear what some of
32:11
your triggers are and your emotional and behavioral
32:14
responses. And until then, we will see you
32:17
next time. Take care.
32:19
Thank. You for listening to Trauma Free
32:20
Relationship, a podcast for the healing of attachment trauma.
32:24
You can find us on Facebook, Instagram, or our website at
32:28
Trauma Free Relationship Com. Be sure to look for our next
32:31
episode on your favorite streaming service.