Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / Let Them: The Two Words That Will Set You Free [R]

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Let Them: The Two Words That Will Set You Free [R] · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:06
Speaker 1: One of the most popular books that I've been hearing
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Speaker 1: about for a couple of months now on podcasts everywhere
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Speaker 1: is from the number one podcast on the planet. Her
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Speaker 1: name is Mel Robbins and the book is called The
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Speaker 1: Let Them Theory, The Let Them Theory. I've been too
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Speaker 1: busy writing my own book to read this one, but Kylie,
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Speaker 1: missus Happy Families, has spent the last couple of weeks
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Speaker 1: diving deep into this New York Times bestseller that has
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Speaker 1: boomed up the charts everywhere. And today we tell you
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Speaker 1: what that let Them theory is and what it means
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Speaker 1: for peace, serenity, calm, bliss and all the good things
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Speaker 1: in your life. I think I don't actually know what
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Speaker 1: Kylie's going to say. Gooday, thanks so much for joining
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Speaker 1: us on the Happy Families podcast, Real Parenting Solutions every
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Speaker 1: single day on Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. We are
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Speaker 1: Justin and Kylie Colson. All Right, Kylie, let's get straight
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Speaker 1: into you're not the expert on the let Them Theory. Well,
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Speaker 1: what's the actual title of the book, They Let Them Theory,
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Speaker 1: that's it. But let Them Theory? Okay, what is if
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Speaker 1: you can tell me? Well, you're not the expert and
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Speaker 1: didn't write the book. What is the let them theory?
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Speaker 2: Well, I'm actually going to let mal tell you. I'm
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Speaker 2: going to I'm going to read a little excerpt from
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Speaker 2: the beginning of a book because it's just it's such
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Speaker 2: a profound thought. If you're, if you're reading this book
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Speaker 2: wanting someone to mody coddle you and to speak gently,
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Speaker 2: she is not the person. She speaks hard truth and
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Speaker 2: they can be hard to swallow.
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Speaker 1: Slap in the belly with a wet fish. Yeah, a
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Speaker 1: little bit, maybe across that a little bit. Maybe this
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Speaker 1: is what she says.
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Speaker 2: Ok, she says. The let them theory is about freedom,
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Speaker 2: two simple words, let them.
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Speaker 1: I thought you're going to say.
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Speaker 2: Freedom will free you from the burden of trying to
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Speaker 2: manage other people. When you stop obsessing over what other
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Speaker 2: people think, say, or do, you finally have the energy
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Speaker 2: to focus on your own life. You stop reacting and
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Speaker 2: start living instead of driving yourself crazy trying to manage
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Speaker 2: or please other people, you'll learn to let them. So
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Speaker 2: what does this look like? Imagine you're at work and
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Speaker 2: your colleague is in a bad mood. Instead of letting
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Speaker 2: their negativity affect you, you just say let them, let
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Speaker 2: them be grumpy, it's not your problem. Focus on your
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Speaker 2: work and how you feel.
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Speaker 1: I've got to cut you off for a sec. This
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Speaker 1: sounds like that thing that I said to you about
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Speaker 1: ten years ago that really changed our relationship. I felt
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Speaker 1: like you were cranky at me. I felt like you
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Speaker 1: were going through a really, really really rough time. I
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Speaker 1: felt like I was doing everything I could to support
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Speaker 1: you and it wasn't working. And one day I said,
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Speaker 1: I'm not going to let you be in a bad
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Speaker 1: mood affect my mood, Like if I'm going to have
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Speaker 1: a good day, I'm having a good day, and I'm
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Speaker 1: satisfied to just let you have a bad day. But
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Speaker 1: I still love you and I'm here to support you.
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Speaker 1: But you get to choose your mood.
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Speaker 2: And I think, generally speaking, men are a lot better
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Speaker 2: at differentiating between someone else's emotion and their own.
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Speaker 1: So to detach, Okay, you're upset, you can be upset.
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Speaker 1: I'm going to go about my day. That's kind of
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Speaker 1: what she saying. That's okay. So if my mother in
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Speaker 1: law drives me crazy, my mother in law's look at
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Speaker 1: me and saying, well, if you want to be upset
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Speaker 1: at me. That's your choice. But I'm seventy years old
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Speaker 1: and I'm going to live the life that I want
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Speaker 1: to live. Yeah, this is the anti change other people
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Speaker 1: book on per got it? Just you do you?
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Speaker 2: So? Maybe your dad makes another comment about your life
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Speaker 2: choices and it hits you like a brick. Instead of
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Speaker 2: letting it ruin your day, just let him. Let him
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Speaker 2: have his opinions. They don't change who you are, or
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Speaker 2: what you've accomplished, or your right to make decisions that
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Speaker 2: make you happy. The truth is, other people hold no
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Speaker 2: real power over you unless you give it to that.
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Speaker 1: I'm thinking of so many people we need to give
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Speaker 1: this book case.
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Speaker 2: Here's how it works.
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Speaker 1: Are you still going?
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Speaker 2: When you stop trying to control things that aren't yours
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Speaker 2: to control, you stop wasting your energy. You recclaim your time,
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Speaker 2: your peace of mind, your focus. You realize that your
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Speaker 2: happiness is tied to your actions, not somebody else's behavior,
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Speaker 2: opinions or moods. They let them. Theory will teach you
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Speaker 2: that the more you let other people live their lives,
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Speaker 2: the better your life gets. Yeah.
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Speaker 1: Okay, okay, I love what's going on here. I love
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Speaker 1: what the book is about. When I hear this, though,
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Speaker 1: one of the great challenges that I'm confronted with is
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Speaker 1: as a parent. As a parent, you can't just let
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Speaker 1: the Yes, you can let the kids have a big
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Speaker 1: emotional outburst. I'm really good at saying, you know what, kids,
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Speaker 1: if you want to be upset about this, I get it.
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Speaker 1: I still love you. I'm trying to help you. But
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Speaker 1: if you don't want to talk to me, if you
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Speaker 1: want to be cranky, that's on you. I'm here when
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Speaker 1: you're ready. So I get that. But you also can't
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Speaker 1: let your children go and behavior responsibly. You know, you
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Speaker 1: have responsibility to socialize them.
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Speaker 2: That's exactly right. Your role as a parent is to
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Speaker 2: parent them, so to safeguard them and to yes and
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Speaker 2: to them navigate. Yes.
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Speaker 1: Does she have any content about because you're.
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Speaker 2: Not specifically in this.
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Speaker 1: Book, she does adult that adult.
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Speaker 2: That's exactly right, and she does acknowledge that a parental
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Speaker 2: relationship with your child is different, especially with young children.
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Speaker 2: But she has something that you could go and look
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Speaker 2: on an ebook and have access to. There's just one
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Speaker 2: other thing that's really important when we think about the
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Speaker 2: let them theory. She said, too often people stop there
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Speaker 2: at letting other people have their emotions, have their opinions.
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Speaker 2: But there's actually more to it. There's two steps. So
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Speaker 2: she said, the let them theory isn't just let them. Yes,
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Speaker 2: it begins with these two words, but that's not the
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Speaker 2: whole story. Let them is just the first half of
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Speaker 2: the equation. There is a second, even more crucial step
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Speaker 2: to this theory, which is let me. So this book
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Speaker 2: is actually not about other people. It's about us and
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Speaker 2: what we choose to do following our acceptance of other
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Speaker 2: people's behavior, opinions, thoughts, emotions, and everything that goes with that.
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Speaker 1: Okay, okay, after the break, What Kylie loved most about
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Speaker 1: this book? Because my sense, Kylie is you like it? Love? Okay, Kylie?
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Speaker 1: They let them theory. Mel Robin's the number one book
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Speaker 1: that everyone's talking about. She's the number one podcaster globally.
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Speaker 1: Wouldn't mind if we were the number one podcast as globally,
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Speaker 1: but we're not there yet. Can everyone just tell everybone
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Speaker 1: about this podcast like I think we do a I
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Speaker 1: think we do a good pod. Jump online, leave us
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Speaker 1: a five star rating and review. Maybe that'll help us
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Speaker 1: to move up the charts a little bit. Gee Wiz please, please,
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Speaker 1: pretty please. Okay, what did you laugh most about? Mel Robins?
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Speaker 1: They'll let them theory book.
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Speaker 2: I'm going to share with you three main things that
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Speaker 2: I took away from this. The first one she calls
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Speaker 2: hacking your stress response. She says, the moment anything happens
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Speaker 2: that stresses you out, literally say the words let them
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Speaker 2: put yourself in pause, then say let me and take
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Speaker 2: a breath, Let me take another breath, slow your stress response,
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Speaker 2: calm your body and brain down, take control and regain
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Speaker 2: your power. I love the fact that she just in
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Speaker 2: these few simple steps, what happens when somebody aggravates.
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Speaker 1: Us, Well, we respond reactively. We I mean, sometimes we
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Speaker 1: ignore it. Sometimes you turn against or turn away. Right,
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Speaker 1: That's the way that I normally talk about it.
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Speaker 2: If you're not a confrontational person, you might not actually
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Speaker 2: have anything to.
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Speaker 1: Do with the person away.
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Speaker 2: You will ruminate over that, you'll keep going over the conversation.
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Speaker 1: I should have said that thing instead, exactly.
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Speaker 2: Exactly, And so we actually number one, give our power
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Speaker 2: to them. All of our energy is focused on that scenario,
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Speaker 2: and we can no longer move forward in positive ways.
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Speaker 2: And the idea and the science back behind taking a
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Speaker 2: breath and stopping ourselves between stimulus and response is so powerful.
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Speaker 2: And I just love the reminder that I get to
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Speaker 2: regain my power by acknowledging I can't change you, but
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Speaker 2: I can change how I choose to see this and
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Speaker 2: respond to it.
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Speaker 1: Love it.
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Speaker 2: Number two, the power of let me. This is really
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Speaker 2: this is so good.
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Speaker 1: I love that over this book. I love seeing you
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Speaker 1: enjoy a book. It's been at ages since I've seen this,
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Speaker 1: she said.
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Speaker 2: Regardless of what circumstances and situations in which you find yourself,
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Speaker 2: using the let them theory, you'll learn that no matter
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Speaker 2: how big the problem is or how stressful something feels,
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Speaker 2: there's always something you can do through your actions and
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Speaker 2: attitudes to make it better. That is the power of
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Speaker 2: let me. You can't control everyone around you, or the
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Speaker 2: world at large, or what people are doing at the park,
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Speaker 2: but you can always control what you say, what you think,
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Speaker 2: or what you do in response.
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Speaker 1: I've got to jump in on you with what you're
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Speaker 1: talking about here. This is the ultimate don't be a
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Speaker 1: victim book. That's what I'm hearing you say. I know
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Speaker 1: that that sounds really offensive, and some people, well say
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Speaker 1: for what I'm saying, but you said this is.
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Speaker 2: I said that at the beginning, she says some like
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Speaker 2: she hard truth, really hard truth, even to the point
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Speaker 2: that you are in the wrong. Yeah, like literally you
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Speaker 2: were in the wrong. If you're feeling x Y and
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Speaker 2: Z about x y and Z, then you're in the wrong.
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Speaker 1: I'm hearing take responsibility for you and let other people
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Speaker 1: be themselves. Does she make the point that if people
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Speaker 1: really cross the line, that you have to act though.
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Speaker 2: Yes, of course she acknowledges you're not supposed to be
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Speaker 2: a doormat, But that's where you get to decide. Am
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Speaker 2: I going to stay in this relationship? Is this a
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Speaker 2: relationship that builds me, lifts me up?
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Speaker 1: Am I going to put a boundary in here and
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Speaker 1: say you've just crossed the line?
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Speaker 2: Yes?
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Speaker 1: All right, great?
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Speaker 2: Yes?
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Speaker 1: What's the third thing? We are nearly out of time,
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Speaker 1: and I feel like I need to pick up this
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Speaker 1: book and read it as well. It sounds like fun.
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Speaker 2: The last thing that she makes is don't be the
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Speaker 2: person who bends over backwards to make everyone happy. She said,
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Speaker 2: someone is always going to be disappointed by the decisions
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Speaker 2: that you make. This is so powerful and as she
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Speaker 2: shared the experience that led her to this belief. I
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Speaker 2: was just thinking about all the times I have done this.
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Speaker 1: Give me the short version of the experience.
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Speaker 2: So one weekend, her best friend is having a milestone birthday.
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Speaker 2: They're going away for the weekend. It's a four hour
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Speaker 2: drive in one direction. But months previous to this, there's
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Speaker 2: another commitment invitation. Her parents have acknowledged that her grandparents
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Speaker 2: will be in town and she's promised that she will
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Speaker 2: be with them for the weekend. So torn her totally torn.
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Speaker 2: Number One, she wants to be a good friend, but
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Speaker 2: she also wants to be a good.
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Speaker 1: Daughter and a grand grander.
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Speaker 2: So she decides there's only one solution. She's going to
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Speaker 2: drive the four hours to spend the night with her
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Speaker 2: best friend and the girls get completely sloshed, have asleep,
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Speaker 2: wake up the next morning, and while everyone's still sleeping
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Speaker 2: it off. She gets in the car and she drives
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Speaker 2: to her mum's place. It's not until a few days
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Speaker 2: later that she's catching up with her friends and somebody
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Speaker 2: acknowledges that the birthday girl was really disappointed and made
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Speaker 2: the comment that why did she even bother to show
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Speaker 2: up if.
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Speaker 1: She could if she was going to leave The next morning, weekend.
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Speaker 2: Yeah. Meantime, when she showed up at her parents' house,
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Speaker 2: her mum gave her a big hug and whispered in
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Speaker 2: her ear. I need you to know, Grandma was really
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Speaker 2: disappointed you here last night.
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Speaker 1: Just keep it to yourself, Mum, Like, can you see?
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Speaker 2: Can you see just in that situation, she's tried in
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Speaker 2: her in the only way she knows how to please
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Speaker 2: both people and please know one, and she hasn't pleased
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Speaker 2: to sin and.
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Speaker 1: No one has. The sad thing about that for me
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Speaker 1: is there's no gratitude, there's no grace. That's right. People
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Speaker 1: aren't saying Mel's got so much on and at least
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Speaker 1: she made the time to do something. Instead, they're saying,
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Speaker 1: why she bother? I mean to me that that's an
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Speaker 1: indictment on them. And Mel needs new relatives and new friends.
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Speaker 1: Draw some boundaries mail Robins.
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Speaker 2: But as I read that, I was thinking of all
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Speaker 2: the times that I have turned my life upside down,
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Speaker 2: twisted into a hundred different knots and breath directions to
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Speaker 2: please everyone, and I've had similar outcomes, and I'm left
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Speaker 2: feeling less than whole and seriously upset and disappointed that
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Speaker 2: there is just no grace of it. In spite of
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Speaker 2: my very best efforts, it's not enough. And so the
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Speaker 2: things that I love about this book the acknowledgment that
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Speaker 2: I can't change anyone else. This is not new. This
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Speaker 2: is not new. But in me taking on that thought
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Speaker 2: process of let them, I literally am able to just say,
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Speaker 2: you have every right to feel that way. I know
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Speaker 2: you disappointed that I didn't get to spend the weekend
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Speaker 2: with you, but I feel good about the decision I
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Speaker 2: made to come and spend time with you.
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Speaker 1: We're out of time, But I've got a question for you. Yes,
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Speaker 1: have you been using any of the let them theory
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Speaker 1: on me or our kids?
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Speaker 2: No? I haven't, but I've had I've had a situation
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Speaker 2: just in the last few weeks. It has been really
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Speaker 2: troubling for me, and for a handful of days, I've
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Speaker 2: really been ruminating over the way other people have chosen
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Speaker 2: to respond to a decision that I made. And the
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Speaker 2: problem is we know why we make the decisions we make.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, you know, intimately trying to be helpful, that's right,
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Speaker 1: And you're thinking about everybody being a people pleaser.
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Speaker 2: I'm thinking about everyone and trying to make everybody happy.
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Speaker 2: In the scenario. But there are plenty of people who
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Speaker 2: are not happy with the decision that I made, and
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Speaker 2: I was getting myself all worked up about it, and
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Speaker 2: then I woke up one morning and I just thought,
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Speaker 2: you know what, them, It's okay that they feel this way. No,
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Speaker 2: not from A. It's not from A.
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Speaker 1: It's not a smug arrogance in your face them.
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Speaker 2: It literally is. I can see why you would feel
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Speaker 2: that way. It's okay that you feel that way. That's
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Speaker 2: not why I made the decision, and I didn't make
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Speaker 2: it with that intent, but I can see how that
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Speaker 2: decision may have impacted you in that way, and that's okay.
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Speaker 2: It's not mine to fix it's that's theirs. My role
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Speaker 2: is to take control of the things I can control.
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Speaker 2: I can't control them, but I can control how I think,
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Speaker 2: how I choose to respond, and how I act.
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Speaker 1: The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins is Kylie Coulson's
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Speaker 1: new favorite book for CORP.
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Speaker 2: It's pretty good.
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Speaker 1: We will into it in the show notes. If you
14:48
Speaker 1: would like to click on the link and grab a copy.
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Speaker 1: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
14:54
Speaker 1: Bridge Media, and if you'd like more information about making
14:57
Speaker 1: your family happier and navigating those tricky relationship chips, jump
15:01
Speaker 1: online to Happy Families dot com, dot A m HM