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How Not To Shut Down Emotionally In Your Relationship · Trauma Free Relationship

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  Have you ever felt yourself shutting down emotionally in a
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  relationship? Or going numb, withdrawing, or
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  even just feeling like you disappear?
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  Well, you're not alone. This is a protective response,
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  rooted and relational trauma. Today we're going to talk about
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  this protective strategy, what it looks like, where it comes
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  from, and more importantly, how to broaden this strategy.
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  Now notice I didn't say get rid of it.
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  I said broaden. We want to broaden it so that
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  you have more control over when and how to use it.
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  Welcome to trauma free relationship.
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  I'm your host, Tom Philp, and I've been working for years with
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  adults who struggle with relational trauma to regain
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  trust in themselves and others so that they can experience a
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  safe and secure relationship. Let's get started, OK?
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  As I said at the opening, we want to talk today about
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  emotionally shutting down. Now, this often is a preferred
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  strategy from those who tend to learn more towards the avoidance
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  style of attachment. And I've talked about attachment
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  a lot on this podcast. There's a whole episode on of
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  the avoidance style of attachment.
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  If you haven't heard that, I encourage you to go back and
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  listen to it. It is one of the, if not one of
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  the the most listen to episodes, but it's really important to
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  know that regardless of whether you tend to mean more the
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  avoidance style or not, we all can have this capacity to shut
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  down. And the real difference between
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  using it as a coping style versus something that may be
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  more entrenched like a a strategy or an attachment style
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  is its pervasiveness. Meaning, how often do you go
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  back to this style? Let me give you an example.
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  If if you tend to be more of the secure style in your attachment,
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  then you can still shut down at times.
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  But what happens is you can pull yourself out of it and you can
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  eventually then go to your partner and talk things through.
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  So you might get your feelings hurt, you might sense
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  disconnection and maybe your body sort of says, OK, this is
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  this is what I do first. But then you say, OK, body,
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  that's, that's enough. Now I need to go talk this
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  through. And so you can sort of pull
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  yourself out of this emotional shutdown place in order to
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  eventually go engage. And those that have trauma, it
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  is this sense of emotional shutdown is more entrenched and
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  it's more difficult to change because this is really rooted in
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  your nervous system. And as I said, it's a survival
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  response, right? Our body only has so many
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  options, fight, flight, freeze or fawn, there's only so many
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  options that when we feel overwhelmed, when we feel
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  threatened, when we feel either with physical or emotional harm,
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  our body only has so many options that it can respond to.
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  So being able to recognize that that you're not broken here, but
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  you've learned because of your past environment and your body
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  has learned, oh, this is how I respond to potential harm.
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  And so I'm going to shut down. And when that potential harm has
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  been repeated many times, as relational trauma usually is,
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  then it learns to have that sort of as a default.
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  And it says, I'm not going to relinquish my role here until I
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  know things are completely safe. And so it tends to keep you in
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  that place, in that shutdown place much longer than normal.
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  So again, it's a trauma response.
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  And so when past relationships have felt unsafe, the body has
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  learned to protect itself by disconnecting.
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  And so there are common triggers that often can can engage this
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  protective response. If you feel criticized or
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  rejected, feeling of conflict or even abandonment, the fear of
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  that or the the sense that it may be coming or just feeling
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  overwhelmed in intimacy or closeness, that can often times
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  trigger this, this emotional shutdown and nervous system
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  survival response. And so there can be various
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  triggers. But when that happens, your,
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  your protective part takes over and it says, I know what to do.
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  Hey, I got this from here. We're going to shut down.
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  We're going to disconnect, and we're going to keep you safe in
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  this moment. But of course, as you've
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  probably realized, there's huge downsides to this happening as
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  well. And so when you shut down,
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  you're no longer able to access parts of your own emotional life
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  that are feeding you valuable information.
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  And certainly you're not able to stay engaged in, in your
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  relationship or with your partner at that particular
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  moment to be able to any longer hear what they have to say and,
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  and take that information as well.
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  And so this can become a real liability when it is chronic.
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  And, and I want to emphasize that word chronic means
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  something that's persistent, right?
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  That that this chronically happens.
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  This is your go to move to keep yourself safe.
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  And, and the first thing I want to say before we jump into this
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  next part and talk about the different signs so that you can
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  recognize when you're shutting down is we don't want this to go
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  away because it is important. It's hard, one, you've earned
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  the right to be able to shut down because most likely if this
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  is chronic in your life, then you've had experiences that that
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  dictated this is the way you needed to respond to keep
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  yourself safe. So as I said at the opening, we
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  want to learn to broaden this this strategy, not completely
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  get rid of it. I don't want you to say, OK, I'm
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  just never going to keep myself safe anymore and go out and be
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  re traumatized. That would be ridiculous.
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  I would never want that for you. What we want to do is be able to
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  recognize this and be able to work through it.
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  So we can choose moments when we want it there or moments when we
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  know we need to move, move it out of the way.
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  So how do we recognize that? What are some signs when we
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  begin shutting down? Well, one of the first ones is
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  emotional numbness or going blank during conflict.
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  So this can happen a lot where your body senses, uh oh, there's
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  some potential conflict coming on or it senses, well, I've just
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  been criticized or told I'm not enough.
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  And immediately your body shifts and you no longer feel alive
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  with the same sort of emotions you did, but rather you start
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  going numb. And so that's a really great
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  indication this is happening. Another one is you suddenly
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  don't know what you feel or need.
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  All of a sudden you can't access certain emotions in part because
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  maybe you've gone numb, but maybe you're not even numb.
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  Maybe you're just in that moment of physically overwhelmed.
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  And so you can't make sense or clarify any of your emotions
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  that you, that you want to engage in that moment.
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  And so that's really important recognizing that, oh man, I'm,
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  I'm not even clear about what I feel in this moment.
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  Maybe this is part of my shutdown pattern.
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  And when we can't access our emotions, the most important
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  thing about that is not the emotion itself, it's the actual
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  need at the end of it. Because all emotions point us
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  towards a need and, and the vast majority of needs we have
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  besides, say, food, shelter is relational needs, needs for
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  safety, needs for a sense of security, need for validation.
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  These are really important relational needs that are are
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  given to us as cues by our emotions.
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  This is in part why emotions are so important because they are
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  signaling something to us about our environment and about what
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  we might need in that environment.
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  Another sign that you might be shutting down is withdrawing
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  physically. So obviously, if you walk away
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  or maybe you avoid eye contact or maybe you cross your arms in
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  sort of a defensive way, this can be a sign that you're
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  shutting down and you're beginning to protect yourself.
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  As I mentioned earlier, a numbing behaviors such as like
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  scrolling on your phone or you know, spending long hours on
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  your phone, maybe numbing yourself the food or alcohol or
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  just diving into work to the exclusion of everything else.
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  So these are types of behaviors that you need to be able to
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  reflect on and look at as potential behaviors of you
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  emotionally shutting down. Now, as I've said before on the
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  podcast about triggers, triggers can be outside of us.
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  They can come from our partner. They can come from driving by a
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  restaurant where we know our partner had an affair, and that
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  could be an external trigger. But triggers can also come
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  internally. They can come as just a thought
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  or a sensation in our body. And so when we have those
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  triggers, even from within ourselves, being able to
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  recognize how do I respond to that?
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  Do I get some sort of sensation in my body, some moment of fear
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  or sadness, and then immediately I go numb and I turn it off?
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  Being able to recognize that emotional pattern internally is
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  really important for you to be able to understand.
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  I'm beginning to emotionally shut down here.
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  So you can think about the last time that you felt shut down,
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  what was happening just before that moment, because it was
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  likely that there was some kind of trigger that happened either
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  internally or externally that began causing you to go numb or
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  shut down or distract yourself some way, or get up and go grab
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  a drink or whatever that might be.
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  It's really important to be able to look inward and recognize
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  your emotional patterns and how they play out.
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  OK, with that in mind, let's talk about what do we do to help
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  try to expand or broaden the strategy because oftentimes we
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  don't want to get rid of it. As I've said, it's there for a
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  reason and we actually want to appreciate it.
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  We actually want to understand and appreciate this part of us
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  and we're not just trying to banish it from our lives.
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  What we want to do is we want to create more flexibility with it.
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  We want to be able to recognize when it comes up so we've got
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  the flexibility to go, oh, I know what I'm doing here.
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  I know what this feels like. I know what's happening.
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  This is not the place I want to shut down.
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  My partner's just trying to connect with me right now, or my
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  partner really needs me to engage with them in this moment.
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  I need to have the flexibility to be able to set this aside and
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  be able to engage with them and be emotionally available and
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  responsive to them. And so we want to just create
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  more flexibility with this nervous system strategy that
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  we've developed. One of the first ways to do this
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  is to try to stay grounded. Because when we begin to shut
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  down, we lose ground. We're no longer grounded in our
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  sense of self. We're no longer grounded in that
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  part of us that is calm, competent, clear and connected,
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  right? There's always a part of us that
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  is calm, competent, clear, connected, and we need to be
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  able to access that part of us. And the only way to do that is
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  to stay grounded. So one of the things you can do
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  when you start to recognize your shutting down is to begin to
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  breathe and exhale. And so one of my favorites that
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  I use is to inhale for four seconds, hold it for four
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  seconds, and then exhale for six seconds.
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  And so this is a way to sort of relax your body and it's a way
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  to help keep you grounded. Another one you can do is look
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  around the room for a moment and name five colors, 4 objects you
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  could touch, three sounds that you could hear, 22 sensations
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  that you can feel, or or two objects in the room.
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  Something like that is they called the 54321 and I just kind
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  of messed it up. I apologize.
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  But that's, that's another one that you can look up and easily
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  do where you just begin to ground yourself in the moment.
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  Another thing is put your hand to your heart and, and, and
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  check in on your nervous system and just sort of reassure
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  yourself, put your hand over your heart and say, Hey, it's
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  OK, I've got this. Thank you for protecting me.
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  But I need you to soften and I need you to move out of the way
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  right now because I really need to access that other safe,
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  secure part of myself. And so any kind of grounding
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  technique can be very important there.
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  Even something as simple as naming the experience.
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  I feel myself shutting down right now.
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  You could say that to yourself or you could even say it to your
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  partner. Labeling what's happening to you
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  is huge, especially if you're able to communicate that to your
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  partner because they don't know what's happening.
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  All they see is somebody that's completely disengaged.
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  And when you, when you are disengaged, when you begin to
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  shut down, the message that sends your partner is that you
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  don't care about what they're talking about.
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  And it feels like to them you don't care about their feelings
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  and they're not important. And so they feel completely
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  dismissed. That's not, of course, at all
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  your intention. So being able to communicate, I
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  feel myself shutting down. Being able to name that
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  experience even to yourself is very important in being able to
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  try to create more flexibility. Here's another one.
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  Communicate some micro boundaries.
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  You might say to yourself, I need a short pause, but I'll
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  come back to this conversation in just a moment.
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  Or would it be OK if I just stood up for a moment?
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  It helps me not freeze up and it helps me not shut down.
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  Would it be OK if I just maybe stood up or paste while I'm
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  listening to you? Sometimes a partner may be OK
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  with that. Sometimes they might, sometimes
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  they might just be thrilled that you're using these tools to try
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  to help stay engaged with them in the conversation and not shut
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  down. And so part of what this does is
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  it builds trust in yourself and in your partner.
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  When you can create more flexibility with your, your shut
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  down nervous system response, then it allows your partner to
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  feel like you want to be there, you want to hear them, you want
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  to show up. And it also really builds
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  confidence inside yourself, man, look what I can do now I can
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  actually use this to my advantage.
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  I've got more flexibility over when I want to shut down or when
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  I really feel like I'm in danger versus when I don't.
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  And so being able to just communicate some micro
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  boundaries can be important. A couple of other things I think
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  that are important to be able to do small daily check insurance,
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  check in with yourself, say, how am I feeling today?
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  How am I feeling in this moment? Reflect back.
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  As I said the exercise earlier, think back to a time where you
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  felt shut down. Reflect back to a time in that
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  day. Was there any time where I felt
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  myself going numb? Was there ever a time where I
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  felt like I was beginning to shut down?
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  What happened right before that? Did I have an internal trigger
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  and did something trigger me from the outside?
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  So these are important just to be able to do those check
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  insurance as well. And so as I've mentioned, when
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  we create more flexibility in ourselves, when we're able to
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  recognize our emotional landscape and how it works.
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  What triggers me, how my protective strategies come up,
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  how they limit me from actually getting what I need in that
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  moment. And how they limit me in my
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  relationship and how they break down my own trust in myself to
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  be able to respond, to be able to get my own needs met.
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  This is all really, really important information in your
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  growth towards resolving or or your post traumatic growth from
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  you from your past trauma. Trusting others is really
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  important, but being able to trust yourself, being able to
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  know how to stay grounded and being able to work with these
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  parts inside you is absolutely crucial to you having more
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  flexibility and to getting more of the kind of relationship that
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  you really want as well. Hey, I hope you really enjoyed
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  this podcast. I hope I was able to point out
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  some things that you haven't heard or you haven't thought of.
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  I hope at least being able to link these processes, these
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  internal processes together. Oh, yeah, I get it now.
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  I can trigger myself. And when I do, I immediately can
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  sense how I shut down and I go numb.
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  I recognize that. Oh yeah.
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  And when I do that, I know I absolutely withdraw from people.
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  I know I can kind of go into my own cocoon.
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  Yes, I'm great at self soothing. Eventually I come out of it.
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  It doesn't last forever. I will emerge.
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  But in the meantime, man, I'm left all alone and I don't have
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  any ability to be able to let others be able to reach me or
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  contact me when I'm in that place.
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  And this has taken on sort of a rigidness in my life.
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  And sometimes it happens when I don't want it to happen.
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  And so sometimes I even get frustrated with that part of
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  myself that jumps in and says, I know what to do.
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  I'm here to take the protect you and take the day.
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  Don't worry about it. I'll shut us down.
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  I'll go numb and there's maybe a part of the feels like, jeez, I
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  wish that part would just go away sometimes because it's
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  super frustrating when it happens and I don't want it to
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  happen. All right, thank you so much for
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  listening. I'm Tom Philp, and I'm here to
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  remind you to stay grounded, clear, and connected.