Latest / Resilience and Relationships (R&R) / The Hidden Dangers of Sharenting - Resilience & Relationships (R&R) - Stephanie Olson and Rebecca Saunders

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The Hidden Dangers of Sharenting - Resilience & Relationships (R&R) - Stephanie Olson and Rebecca Saunders · Resilience and Relationships (R&R)

• 0:16
  Unknown: Stephanie, hello and welcome to R and R resilience and relationships. I'm Stephanie Olson, and I'm here with Rebecca Saunders, awesome. Well, Rebecca, this podcast is all about you, so I'm turning it right over to you. What are we talking about? Sharon Ting.
• 0:32
  Unknown: Sharon Ting, yeah, something very important to me, and I'm glad that you're gonna let me yap about it, yes, but okay, so Sharon Ting, I don't think that's a term that everyone's heard before, so probably should start by defining that. Yeah. So what I'm talking about, it's really broad. Basically, it's a combination of sharing and parenting, sharing your kids online.
• 0:57
  Unknown: Okay, good, not so good, but good. Okay, got it. So sharing refers to sharing your kids online. And so that comes from, like, a lot of different things, but when I say that, what are you first thinking of? Well, I think of family vlogging, like putting our kids online. But I also think, you know, there's so I was looking at a Tiktok the other day, and it was the cutest Tiktok. My sister sent it to me because she said, This is you.
• 1:30
  Unknown: And it was a little girl saying, we're going to go to Mexican food, because I know we just went grocery shopping, but I'm all about the Mexican restaurants, so totally get it.
• 1:40
  Unknown: She was adorable, probably three, with a cute little southern accent. But I saw it and I laughed, but then I thought, that's a three year old. Yeah? And we see that kind of stuff all the time, right? I mean, like, so cute, so relatable. But when you really think about it, like, why are you online? You're so little, yeah, yeah, and not not getting a choice. Frankly, yeah, I think that's a big thing. Of like, you know, at three, you don't understand the Internet. You don't understand how that's being sent to different people.
• 2:14
  Unknown: I mean, no idea. Frankly, at 3343 53 No, you know, yeah, because I feel like as adults, we're just starting to see how big of a reach something can have. And all the time, you see, oh, I didn't realize this was going to blow up, or I didn't realize that would be shared so much, which is why, in my family, we actually just have a group text.
• 2:36
  Unknown: And so we share photos through that. We share all of the things, and it really is only going to the people who really care. I do something with pictures of my kids, so I don't share my kids online at all, but I do have an app on my phone.
• 2:51
  Unknown: It's called Family Album, and I'm sure that there are others like it out there too, but basically, you can put your photos in there, and it's like a shared album that you have to have. I have to send you the link for you to be able to make an account. That's perfect, yeah. Well, only our family members have access to pictures of the kids, but I can also take them out if I need to. That makes sense. Okay, so I said, what comes to my mind with Sherrington? So Tell, tell us more about that. Yeah, so I think family bloggers is what a lot of people instantly go to, but it's a little bit broader than that, because, yes, definitely family blogs, kids having parent run accounts on Instagram or YouTube or Tiktok, that falls into it, but it can also be as simple as sharing some of your kids information on your Facebook page. So maybe your child doesn't have an account. You're not having them make videos or directing it, but you are saying, Look, I'm so proud of my baby. Here's some information about what's going on, which is so typical, right?
• 3:46
  Unknown: Yeah, so typical. Actually, there was a study. So as I said, I'm really passionate about this, so I put together some of the information that I found helpful in understanding this, and I want to share it today.
• 4:00
  Unknown: But so there was actually a study by CS Mott Children's Hospital. Well, I say a study, a survey is what I meant to say, a survey done by them where they just kind of asked other parents. Okay, so when they were asking parents, 74% of them said that they knew another parent who was engaging in charity, so they themselves and or knew someone else. Now, of that information, 50 56% of parents said that that information was embarrassing, so something the kid might not want to have shared, but not necessarily inappropriate. 51% said that the parent provided details that reveal their child's location.
• 4:38
  Unknown: Oh, wow. And 37% said that there are actually circulated inappropriate photos initiated by the parent. So it's really, it's common, yeah, and my guess is, when you say inappropriate photos, it may not be like, you know, I'm putting my kid on only fans.
• 5:00
  Unknown: Yes, right? But it might be something like, I'm bathing my kid and they did something super cute, or they would see as innocent, right, be treated as such as others. Or potty training. That's a big one too.
• 5:11
  Unknown: Potty training, yeah, that is potty training. It would never occur to me to put potty training online. That just seems like a very private moment, and I think, and here's the other thing, so as parents, because kids are adorable, right?
• 5:28
  Unknown: They're just they're cute, and everyone knows their kid is the cutest. Exactly, exactly. No one says, I have an ugly kid, right?
• 5:35
  Unknown: No one says that.
• 5:40
  Unknown: But I think if we would start to think a little bit almost reverse thinking, would I be comfortable if this were me on social media, so I'm not showing myself going to the bathroom on social media. There were a lot of covid things that happened during that time, but not on purpose, right? So can we look at that and say, Would I do this with myself?
• 6:12
  Unknown: That's a really good way to look at things, and I think that so much of the time because they're cute and little, and the majority of parents out there aren't thinking inappropriate things about children, right?
• 6:22
  Unknown: Their children, and so we're we're seeing them as, oh, my, cute little baby's learning a new skill. But what is someone else saying that as? And would, would that be so cute if it was you on the toilet? No, yeah, exactly. And I think it kind of comes down to acknowledging that children are full people.
• 6:41
  Unknown: They're just younger people. You know, they're not I struggle with saying this. They're not objects, and I don't think a lot of parents are intentionally viewing them as such. But when we think about, you know, maybe I don't need to respect their right to privacy, you know, those types of things. I think sometimes we forget that kids have those rights too, and just because they are dependent on you doesn't mean that you should share everything that you know about them, right, right?
• 7:18
  Unknown: Absolutely. So what then we're talking about, you know, if you wouldn't want that shared about you? What? If it's something where you would want that shared about you? Maybe it's my child just got this award at their school, you know what? What could be the problem with that?
• 7:31
  Unknown: Mm, well, I'm thinking of a couple of things like, for example, now I know where you went to school, I know what you look like, I know your age. I know where that you got an award. And now it's not even so much that I'm going to come with my white van and kidnap you, but I can now start building a relationship based on all of those things I know. I can say, oh, gosh, I had a friend who went to that school, or you got an award for that. That is my favorite thing to do, or whatever the case may be, I have enough information to now build a relationship with that child.
• 8:12
  Unknown: Yeah, absolutely. And you said not kidnapping. But did you know there actually is a thing that is called Digital kidnapping, so tell me more. Oh, yes, digital kidnapping is when someone will take images, stories, information about someone else's child and then pretend that that is their child. Okay, okay, so that sounds like a Lifetime movie, right? I swear. So how often does that? Okay? So I'm trying to wrap my brain around that. What's the purpose of that, and how often does that happen? I wish I could tell you how often it happens. I need to dig a little further, so if I can find that information before this podcast drops, I'll make sure to give you the link so we can put it in the notes. Okay, so I'm not sure the prevalence, although I do know it is happening and becoming more common now, it's similar to catfishing, right? So think about all the reasons why someone might want to have a false identity online. Maybe you're trying to create this persona to manipulate other people.
• 9:14
  Unknown: Maybe, I mean, I've seen a few stories about this where maybe you were pregnant, had a loss of that child, but then still want to live out that, you know, I am a mother, and I this is how old my child would be. Sometimes it's even a thing like that of you know, I don't want to admit that I don't have my child on this earth anymore. So I'm going to pretend as if this, this kid over here, is my kid, wow, and it's, yeah, it's not as rare as I would like. I mean, I've heard several stories about this, and I'll find the details on how often exactly, but yes, I mean, it even starts with ultrasound photos. So you know, I did see a thing on someone faking a pregnancy. And, yeah, okay, go ahead, it was. I'm trying to.
• 10:00
  Unknown: In my note, because I found this interesting. So 30, 34% of us parents routinely, so more than once, will share ultrasound photos online.
• 10:13
  Unknown: Then we're talking about digital kidnapping. It can start even that early of pretending as if that is your baby, and when we're looking at pictures or information that parents have posted about their kids in the United States, and this is a 2016 study. Oh, wow, I'm sure it's increased. But in 2016 a study, and this information is from the Journal of Pediatrics, a study found that 92% of us children have an online presence by the age of two.
• 10:43
  Unknown: Oh my gosh.
• 10:46
  Unknown: Okay, okay, I just want to sit on that for a second, because obviously, Wow, talk about digital footprint starting at a very young age. So obviously these kiddos aren't creating their online presence. This is all about parents and what they're doing. So talk about the problems with that. Having our children having an online presence, a digital footprint by the age of two years old. Yeah, there's, there's a lot of risk with that. So we've already talked through digital kidnapping. It can make them easier to manipulate emotionally in person. Yeah, there's also identity theft to worry about.
• 11:31
  Unknown: So oftentimes, I mean, I was guilty of this too. So when my daughter was born, she's four now, I posted her newborn pictures. I posted her with this little sign, and it said her full name, her date of birth, her time of birth, all of that stuff, how much she played, you know, because I'm bragging about her, because I'm so excited, yeah, and I've gone through and I've, I've deleted everything I can. Don't know if it's saved or passed around anywhere, because you never know who else has it now that it's been public, but it for the first year or so of her life, I was routinely posting her pictures. And if you go back and look at everything I had posted, then, I mean, I'm sure that I gave away enough information. I mean, her full name, full birthday, that's enough right there to steal someone's identity. Yeah. And so that is something huge. And even, like me, even if you try to scrub it off the internet, I don't know for sure if it's fully gone right? Well, sorry, yeah, identity theft is one of those things, because I think that's a prime target, because you're not going to notice that right away, because you're not getting at as a two year old, you're not getting denied credit cards. You're not getting denied house loan. These are things that will follow you for life.
• 12:50
  Unknown: But I just I That's horrifying, and it happened to a friend of mine. Did you really? Yes? Oh, wow. Someone that I used to go to church with so she was going to volunteer in the children's ministry. She had to fill out a background check and all that.
• 13:07
  Unknown: Well, that is how we realized that there were some things in her background check that popped up. We're like, hey, this doesn't make sense. You just turned 18, and that's how we had found out her identity had been stolen and her credit was wrecked. Oh, man, and she had just turned 18. That is so sad.
• 13:26
  Unknown: So, yeah, I think that's, that's a really important piece. And these are things that so when my kids were, your kids ages, we didn't, I don't know when Facebook started. I know certainly MySpace was a thing like early on, and then Facebook started. I know I didn't get on Facebook until my kids were just a little bit older, but it was just not the same as it is today. And we've talked about social media and how people look at social media differently in different generations, and how you almost utilize social media, sometimes in a younger generation, as a journal, but it's very similar when you're talking about sharenting, that instead of the baby book that I had, that you're using social media as your baby book. Yeah, my friend of mine on Facebook, The Way She Does It is there's a separate album for each year of her daughter's life. And so her daughter is six now, and it's just daughter's name is whatever age. And so when you look through that, I mean, there are like, 1000s and 1000s of photos, and I'm like, please stop doing this. Oh, wow. But you know, I mean, every parent gets to make their choice, but I do think it is important that we talk about the risks of this, yeah, because there are real risks that I think just most parents aren't aware of. Exactly I just saw yesterday somebody who I am friends.
• 15:00
  Unknown: With, and now I can't remember who it was, but who it is, and I'll have a conversation with them. Oh, I do remember. It's a very good friend of mine, and somebody who knows what I do, but it's so easy to fall into those traps. So school starting, and she did a sign, and it had the name of of course, her kiddo, age, grade school, all of the typical things like it. And they make them like it's a chalkboard, and you can put your my kids, super cute. It's a super cute thing. Just don't post it on social media. I love that you have it and that you have that picture. In fact, funny enough. My youngest just went off to college, and they did that. The college did that, and it was the cutest thing.
• 15:55
  Unknown: They had the cutest pictures.
• 15:59
  Unknown: But I'm not posting that on social media because I don't need anyone to know where my son is going to college and what he's doing and and all of those things. But I see that all of the time. Yes, and you know, okay, so, as if it wasn't already startling enough just to think about how 92% of kids have an online presence by two Yeah, that's my insanity. Yeah. Here's another one for you. The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children has found that 50% of photos that sex offenders are sharing come from the parents Facebook page. That does not surprise me. Like social media.
• 16:37
  Unknown: Social media, wow, that is stunning. That's a striking fully clothed. A lot of them fully clothed, normal picture, right? And that is what's getting passed around. Oh my gosh. So I think it's just really important. And, you know, we talk about social media safety, and I think a lot of people think youth, you know, oh, don't post whatever. And that's who is causing the most concern with social media. I don't think that's true. I think that a lot of the concern is from family members. And so we've got adults who also and as as we grow older, and by we, I mean me. We know generations are growing older, and so now we've got parents who have always had social media, right? Have always known social media. And so now it's a whole different mindset of what's being posted and how easily, how easily accessible it is to find out information. I have a story. This isn't about sharenting. It's about scams, but it's the same type of thing.
• 17:53
  Unknown: There is a woman that I know who was called by her grandson.
• 18:00
  Unknown: Quote, unquote, called by her grandson, and he said, Grandma, I went to Mexico. I got arrested. I'm in a Mexican prison. I need your help to get out, and I need you to send me this money.
• 18:23
  Unknown: Please don't tell anybody.
• 18:23
  Unknown: They'll kill me all of the things, right? And that person sounded enough like the Son, the grandson, and had all of the information that he needed to tell her to send money. Now the grandson was actually having a birthday party that same weekend, and he said, Don't, don't go to the birthday party.
• 18:50
  Unknown: Don't tell anybody. So he knew all of this information, so she stayed put and gave over $30,000 and of course, it was a scam.
• 19:02
  Unknown: Her son, I think, finally, actually came to her house and said, I'm worried about you.
• 19:11
  Unknown: What's going on? And that's when it all unraveled. Here's the catch. She did not have any social media, all of the information they got on her and her family was from other families social media posts.
• 19:27
  Unknown: Yeah, that's wild, yeah, so wild. So we do have to be really mindful of what we're posting, and we do have to ask permission. What are what are your thoughts? Because I have seen people post things that are of their child but also other people's children. So what happens then, if you've got somebody who's posting pictures of your kids without your consent? Well.
• 20:00
  Unknown: Well, I don't know if this is the right way to handle it, but just personally, everyone around me and the kids knows my hard stance on this. I post about it.
• 20:07
  Unknown: I talk about it all the time, yeah. And so if someone posts a picture of my child, we're having a phone call, yeah? And like, I immediately address it, because this is so important to me, and I say, hey, like, at the very least, you need to put an emoji or something in front of their face. They do not need to be identifiable, right? If this were to keep happening, my family already knows this is a hard line for me. If you continue to post things about my kid, you don't get to have pictures of my kids. Don't get to take pictures of them. You don't need to be alone with them, because they're that important to me. Now, I think everyone can kind of decide their own boundaries with it. I know that's more on the extreme side than a lot of people would go, but that's what, that's how I believe. I think that's really important. And I think boundaries are incredibly important and and learning how to set them, how to respect them, especially on something like social media. You know, when my my first born was born, not sure that makes sense, but when my oldest was born, we had a an extreme. Now, this doesn't even sound like a thing anymore. This would be a non issue today, I think. But we had a requirement that before you held her, you had to wash your hands. Oh, that was sanitized. Like, really, like, people still are weirded out about that cousin's having a baby, like, very soon, and she's already posted, that's the rule.
• 21:43
  Unknown: Well, yeah, I so it wouldn't even, I mean, it wouldn't occur to me to not do that. So I but I remember there were people in our family who were kind of offended by that, and I was shocked by, I mean, we're in a hospital. It was all my babies were born in the winter, so before you touch my bed, six season, yes, and so yeah, before you touch my baby, you're gonna make sure that you're I think that's reasonable. But I also know that people get offended by the simplest things, because when you're saying I am not clean, or you're saying I have a cold and I No, I'm just saying, wash your hands before you touch my baby. And that's a hard stance, I think that's fair. So I like your boundary attack, yeah, yeah. I think sometimes people do. They they see you wanting something for your family as an attack against the choices that they've made for theirs, and it's not. I mean, we all get to choose, especially when we're talking about what we're doing with our kids. I mean, like as a parents, we're doing whatever we think is best for our kids, and that's okay, and we don't all have to agree, but you know, in your family, you get to decide that, and it's okay to have boundaries.
• 23:01
  Unknown: So years ago, I was training on human trafficking and social media a community, and in the community training, there were a lot of parents, a lot of grandparents, and I remember one of the grandparents said, All right, I have a question for you, and I need you to kind of answer this, and this will be the the decision, like, that's a lot of pressure, but the quote, right, but the question was from a grandma, and she was really offended because her daughter in law wouldn't let her post pictures of her child, and so grandma would post pictures on Facebook because she was, of course, very proud of her grandchildren. And yes, and daughter in law said, I'm not going to let you do that. Please stop. And Grandma said, who's right? And I said, I hate to tell you this, because I appreciate where you're coming from, but you absolutely have no right to post pictures of their children on social media, and it could be dangerous. And so it was a really interesting conversation after that, because, and I appreciated that she even asked the question, but, but, yeah, we don't get to choose that.
• 24:27
  Unknown: That's not fair. And then parents who choose that for their kids also not fair, right?
• 24:36
  Unknown: I think I want to believe anyways, and I think that this is true, that the majority of parents who post their kids online have good intentions, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles. We know that there's a fraction of them who I mean it. It is nefarious purposes, right? That exist. We've seen that. But I want to say that the majority, it's not like that. Usually it is.
• 25:00
  Unknown: I love them so much, and I want to share them with the world, and I share things that are important to me on this platform. That's right, yeah, I was just reminded by one of our friends from she's in this work, and she is amazing. She's one of the OGS in this work in Nebraska, incredible. But she reminded me the other day that when Noelle turned 15 and got, oh, learner's permit, it was learner's permit, I think. And so you know how your address is on there. And there was a picture of No, well, holding the learner's permit with all the information I'm doing this work.
• 25:47
  Unknown: Okay, this is and it didn't even occur to me, and I get a phone call from her, and she's like, hello, and I'm like, Oh my gosh, I didn't, I don't even know what. I wasn't even thinking about it. And so of course, I went in and blurred the photo and and things like that. But it is easy to forget that it is not just a place to house photos, but it is going out to the world. And we always say when, when you have access to the world, the world has access to you. And that's something we have to to keep in mind. It is something I've heard too from parents, is, you know, well, that doesn't really apply to me, because I have a private page.
• 26:40
  Unknown: What are your thoughts on that?
• 26:40
  Unknown: Well, it's only private so much, right? There's, I think that it is important that you only have people following you that you know, but you have to have it really locked down, like you would have to have no friends of friends being able to see. I mean, there's there's only so far that it can be private, and so you have to be really cautious, because that's good.
• 27:17
  Unknown: That is private, but that doesn't mean no one can access it, right? Yeah. What are your thoughts? Oh, that, yeah, exactly what you said. Private isn't always as private as you think. And just the very nature of posting something online like this is something I've thought about actually, with the app that I use to share photos of my kids to family. It's like, okay, right? There is a possibility that this can get hacked, sure, and if it does, you have no control, right? And that's something I've even thought about with that private app. Of like, is this the best way to continue forward, right? Maybe I shouldn't, because the more that I learned, the more I am thinking through these things.
• 27:58
  Unknown: Of you know what can happen, and I think that that's important, just to think through all of the risks and honestly for any decision you make in your life, you should be researching and thinking through the risks and benefits. So what would you say to someone who said, Boy, that sounds like paranoia, and what are the odds of somebody grabbing a hold of those photos that that you don't know who wants to do harm? I mean, the reality is that everybody's online, everybody's posting everything. You sound paranoid.
• 28:38
  Unknown: It's okay to think that I would rather be paranoid and make sure they're protected. Yeah, that's that's my view on it is I understand that other people may come through this and think the benefits outweigh the risks. For me, I would rather be called paranoid and be assured that my kids information is not being shared. And the other thing about this that we haven't even really touched on yet is that you don't know how your child is going to feel about you posting about them, and so that's something that you've got to be careful of too. Is one day they're going to be adults, they're going to see or, honestly even teenagers, they're going to see what you have posted. Will they be comfortable with that?
• 29:23
  Unknown: That's a great point. And you know, it's that just made me think of my son has always been very cautious in a lot of areas of life, like financially. And I'm not sure if cautious is the right word, just intentional, very financially intentional, but also with photos. And even when he was young, when I was doing more posting of photos on on my kids, I would have to ask him, Can I post this? And.
• 30:00
  Unknown: And really today, I hardly post anything. Anybody who looks at my social media would say that's absolutely not true, because there's a lot on me that is posted, my my reels, or whatever that my amazing, amazing admin assistant posts for me. But it's not my kids, it's not my personal life, it's all work related. And I don't know I he just at a young age, he was like, I don't want that shared with everybody. So we do have to remember that they will see these things at some point. And are you posting something that they will look at and go, I don't want the world to know that.
• 30:48
  Unknown: And I think even the way that you talk about them, this is something that I'm constantly trying to remind myself, because I do post on social media, and I post a lot about on my personal page, about what it's like to be a single mom, yeah. Yeah. And so I try to make sure that I'm careful on that okay, am I sharing about me, or am I sharing about them? Because that line can get very blurry, yep.
• 31:10
  Unknown: And even sometimes, like there are different jokes or pranks with kids, and those just break my heart because you're seeing a genuine reaction that could be fear or whatever, posted for the world to see. I That's so true.
• 31:28
  Unknown: That is so true.
• 31:30
  Unknown: You know, I wrote a book about kind of my story, my testimony, and my kids are in that, because they're a part of my story. But one of the things and and Tessa, my middle one always brings this up, one of the things that I said I talked about in my book was something that made her feel I can't even remember what it was, but it was, she easily misinterpreted it and took it as, Oh my gosh, I'm not your favorite, which wasn't that at all. I mean, she is. I always say I have three favorite children, and they are all amazing. They all have such different personalities, and they are all are so amazing to spend time with. And my oldest said, once it's it's not that mom has favorites. She has different things about each of us that are a favorite thing about each of us, which is 100% true, but it was a story about Tessa being precocious and, you know, big personality or whatever, but she can tell me the page it's, it's on, and exactly, and, and I don't think she's really like hurt by this, I don't know, but it really, it had nothing to do with anything negative about her, but that's how she took it. And so I think it's important that we have to remember that we have to be cautious about what we're saying to your point, because what we intend and what they might perceive could be two very different things. So what is your advice for someone who's been listening to this and maybe they're thinking of things now that they've never really thought through before? Where do you go from here with this information? Well, I would say always listen to Rebecca. That would be my first piece of advice. But I think to what you said, you can go through your socials and look back and say, Is this something I want out there, if not, I want to delete it? Is this something I want out there, delete it? And then going forward, just being really mindful of what it is we're posting, what's our intent of posting it, and is this going to be, is this going to have repercussions later, in whatever way that could be? I agree with all that, and I would add on that if you have a child who is maybe older, grown now, even ask them like, Hey, I've been thinking through this. Is there anything that you want me to check for that maybe I can remove? I love that. Yeah, I love that. Because social media is fun. It's great, but it's it's not a journal, it's not private, even if you think it is. And there are things people, there are people out there who want to do harm, so we do have to be mindful of that. Well, thank you for having this conversation with me today.
• 34:46
  Unknown: Forever. Good one. I love it. I think it's important, and we'd love to hear from you. Let us know what you want to talk about. Let us know if you have questions about Sharon Ting, because that is a term that was new to me and so.
• 35:00
  Unknown: I would love to hear your thoughts, but we appreciate you being here. Go get some R and R, and we will see you next time.
• 35:07
  Unknown: Bye. You.