Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #74 Mummy’s Boy

Transcript

#74 Mummy’s Boy · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coulson.
• 0:03
  Speaker 1: We are Luke and Suzie and this is the podcast
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: for time poor parents who just want answers.
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: Now, we've had a question through from Melanie.
• 0:11
  Speaker 3: Let me read it to you.
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  Speaker 2: She said, my two year old son is a total
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: mummies boy. Yes, and although he loves his dad, he
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: only wants me to read to him, pick him up
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  Speaker 2: in the morning, cries for me often, And although I'm
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: exhausted and need that break, I'm also feeling guilty when
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: I hear him crying for mummy when he's with his dad.
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: Am I never supposed to be without him? Doctor Dustin
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: Coolson joins us in the studio, our parenting expert, to
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  Speaker 2: address this question from Melanie about a two year old
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  Speaker 2: son who's a mummy's boy. Justin and Mum's overwhelmed and exhausted.
• 0:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah. So the bad news is that this is a
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  Speaker 3: developmental reality. Kids are biologically wired to want to connect
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  Speaker 3: to us as parents, and they have a hierarchy. We
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  Speaker 3: call it an attachment hierarchy. That's the official word for it.
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  Speaker 3: And in most cases, so long as mummy is healthy
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  Speaker 3: and well, mummy is at the top of that hierarchy,
• 1:01
  Speaker 3: which means that in spite of dad's best efforts or
• 1:05
  Speaker 3: any other caregiver, you know, Grandma Aunties, even siblings, in
• 1:09
  Speaker 3: spite of our best efforts, it's pretty rare for any
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  Speaker 3: of us to succeed in taking mum out of top spot,
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: which is beautiful, right, except when your mum and you're exhausted,
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  Speaker 3: and particularly if mum's having mental health issues. I mean,
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  Speaker 3: it's sometimes life threatening in the most catastrophic of cases.
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: So I guess that's probably important for us to highlight
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: here that as we talk about the general topic in
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: response to this general question, in a sense this is
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  Speaker 1: excluding cases of extreme yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, So my response for this is for parents who
• 1:41
  Speaker 3: are normal exhausted parents who are doing it the normal
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  Speaker 3: way and just being like, ah, and look, I'm using
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  Speaker 3: the word normal inverted commas. I recognize that even commit
• 1:50
  Speaker 3: in sensitive word, we are always a little bit light
• 1:53
  Speaker 3: when we have these conversations. But you know, only a
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  Speaker 3: dad could say this, but in enjoy it, well you can.
• 2:02
  Speaker 3: I know that sounds like it's an insensitive thing because
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  Speaker 3: I'm saying I'm exhausted, but one day this little baby
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  Speaker 3: and I know Mum's probably thinking, I can't wait for
• 2:09
  Speaker 3: that day. But one day that little baby is not
• 2:11
  Speaker 3: going to look at you and say you're my number one.
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: And your heart will break.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: I've had that moment, Sus, Sus, you've had that moment.
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  Speaker 3: SUS's having it again right now.
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: For years it was I was told I don't love
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: you as much as mummy. I don't love you as
• 2:24
  Speaker 1: much as mummy. I love mummy Moore's And then one
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: day the same child put me on the top of
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: the list, and.
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  Speaker 3: Sus not that, not that it's a competition.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: Would we would reiterate the whole time, and it was
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: I was, no, you can love people equally. You don't
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: have to put you don't have to create a list.
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  Speaker 3: But the kids actually do. The kids do, yeah, And
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  Speaker 3: it is a phase. And I guess this is the
• 2:46
  Speaker 3: simple and major message of this for most kids in
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  Speaker 3: typically developing circumstances with a loving and attached mum and
• 2:53
  Speaker 3: dad or caregivers. Generally, mum is usually going to be
• 2:56
  Speaker 3: at the top of the hierarchy. They will develop through it.
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: It is exact. But while you're there, to the extent
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: that as possible, can you love it, can you just
• 3:04
  Speaker 3: embrace it.
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: That's a nice simplistic cancer.
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  Speaker 3: I'd like to address. I'd like to.
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: Address the end, the tail end of Melanie's question that
• 3:14
  Speaker 2: came through. She finished with this line, am I never
• 3:16
  Speaker 2: supposed to be without him?
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  Speaker 3: And I sort of sound a little bit insensitive. I
• 3:21
  Speaker 3: know that I didn't mean to. With good support, you
• 3:24
  Speaker 3: can absolutely have me time. But there's probably a couple
• 3:27
  Speaker 3: of things that we should talk about when it comes
• 3:28
  Speaker 3: to mums and kids and me time versus we time.
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: Me time is important, and I think I might get
• 3:35
  Speaker 3: to that in just a sec. Research tells us, however,
• 3:39
  Speaker 3: and tells us fairly consistently, that in terms of what
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  Speaker 3: will be good for our well being and the family's
• 3:44
  Speaker 3: well being, we time trump's me time. I want to
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  Speaker 3: say WEE time. I don't mean that time in front
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  Speaker 3: of the computer game, but we on the TV. I mean,
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  Speaker 3: I mean we time like us being together. And again,
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  Speaker 3: that's really hard when you're exhausted and you just quite frankly,
• 3:58
  Speaker 3: you don't want to see that toddler for a couple
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  Speaker 3: of days, a week, couple of years. Maybe that's really
• 4:04
  Speaker 3: really hard. But when we understand that that we time
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  Speaker 3: is so crucial for the formation and the development of
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  Speaker 3: this little person, so crucial for the foundations of our family,
• 4:15
  Speaker 3: and actually so important for creating meaning in our own lives.
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  Speaker 3: WE time actually becomes absolutely vitally important. Two people watch isus?
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  Speaker 3: You would have seen two hands.
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: It seems caterintuitive. This is all I was going to say, Like,
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: the fact is I need a break. I need a break,
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  Speaker 1: But the WE time is going to give me the
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: greatest refreshment. Wh is what you're saying. Some of the
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: research shows so it's like when you're exhausted physically and
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: they say, go to the gym and go exercise, Like,
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  Speaker 1: how is that going to help me feel less time?
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  Speaker 3: I hate it when exercise is the answer commonly is.
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: But I think it does take that change of mindset
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: because I think back to when I was heavily pregnant
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: with twins and I had a two year old or
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  Speaker 2: nearly two years old. One of my favorite memories was
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: when I just changed the track in my head of
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  Speaker 2: what I was supposed to be doing as a mum,
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  Speaker 2: and instead of sitting around constantly trying to keep this
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: child entertained and making sure he had the right meals
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: and the house was tidy and everything was under control.
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: I went, you know what, I'm going to read a
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: book and we went out into the sunshine. I sat
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: on the backstep and I had my book and he
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  Speaker 2: ran around where I could see him and where he
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: was near me, chasing butterflies. And it's one of my
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: it's my go to memory, the first thing that flashes
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  Speaker 2: through when my life flashes before my eyes, that's one
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  Speaker 2: of the.
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  Speaker 1: Things that happens.
• 5:34
  Speaker 3: Look, I'm a dead devil, what can I say? But
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  Speaker 3: another wise, it was just like a goosebump moment. Right.
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  Speaker 3: You share that and anyone who's who's a mum, who's
• 5:40
  Speaker 3: actually stopped and just said, I'm going to have some
• 5:44
  Speaker 3: good quality. I mean, I guess in some ways that
• 5:46
  Speaker 3: is me time. But you've done it together. You made
• 5:48
  Speaker 3: the little guy feel like he's part of the moment
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  Speaker 3: and it becomes a magical gold fleck in your memory bank.
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: Yes, even after the twins were born and they were
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  Speaker 2: babies and I felt house bound because it's it was
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: difficult to get out of the house with three kids.
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  Speaker 2: When I changed the track and went, let's just go
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  Speaker 2: to the beach. It's a sunny day and I've got
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: a car, grabbed some snacks.
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  Speaker 3: You don't have to be confined to the house.
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  Speaker 2: I grabbed two beach towels, I grabbed some snacks and
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  Speaker 2: a couple of water bottle for each child. I put
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: them in the car and we drove to the beach.
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  Speaker 2: And as soon as we got there, Tyson took off
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  Speaker 2: all his clothes and started chasing seagulls.
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  Speaker 3: Chasing seagulls, tell me out things, chickens.
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  Speaker 2: It was, it was, it was wee time. But it
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  Speaker 2: was refreshing because it was I changed the track of
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  Speaker 2: what I felt I was supposed to do as a mum,
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  Speaker 2: or what I what I felt my capacity was as
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  Speaker 2: a mum.
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  Speaker 1: I think there's so much we can continue on with
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  Speaker 1: this conversation.
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  Speaker 3: I've got to say something really quickly. I know that you,
• 6:44
  Speaker 3: I know we're out of time, but I'll be super
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  Speaker 3: super quick keep it quick when it comes to me time,
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  Speaker 3: because this is important as well. We can't just say
• 6:52
  Speaker 3: to an exhausted mom it's all about wee time. You
• 6:54
  Speaker 3: do need some time out, you do need some me time,
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  Speaker 3: but if you're going to have me time, you want
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  Speaker 3: it to be genuinely rejuvenated. You want it to be
• 7:00
  Speaker 3: truly refreshing. You want it to be reinvigorating and energizing
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  Speaker 3: for you, which means that the last thing that you
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  Speaker 3: want to do is sit on the couch and stare
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  Speaker 3: at a screen or go on watch even watching a movie.
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  Speaker 3: You know that's dead brain time. And as much as
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  Speaker 3: it's easy, it's like fast food for your soul. It's
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  Speaker 3: not going to do any good. Go and find good friends,
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  Speaker 3: or go and do something active, do something in nature.
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  Speaker 3: Nature is fuel for the soul. If you can combine
• 7:27
  Speaker 3: those kinds of things, you'll find that your me time
• 7:30
  Speaker 3: becomes far more beautiful, far more refreshing. And please remember
• 7:36
  Speaker 3: that when your met time is over, you are going
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  Speaker 3: to be stepping back into chaos and neediness and challenge again.
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  Speaker 3: Be ready for that, because otherwise I've watched this happen
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  Speaker 3: with families that I've worked with. The MM who goes
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  Speaker 3: to get the me time starts to resent the child
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  Speaker 3: even more when she gets back, because the child is
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  Speaker 3: making life so much more horrible that she can't have
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  Speaker 3: more meat time. So we time is king.
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: And as the support person, as the husband and the scenario,
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: I know that souons there are times and we've kicked
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: you out of the house and you've struggled because the
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: child is screaming as you are leaving. But once you
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  Speaker 1: leave a bitter distraction.
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  Speaker 3: And we're good.
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  Speaker 1: But you leave with that memory in your head and
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  Speaker 1: it can roll through you and then you can not
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  Speaker 1: enjoy the time. It's not refreshing because all you're thinking
• 8:20
  Speaker 1: about it.
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  Speaker 2: And I think that's a learned skill as a mum
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  Speaker 2: to learn to say it's okay, so they're going to
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  Speaker 2: be fine.
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  Speaker 3: And a great support person will kick you out the
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  Speaker 3: door with a spile on your face on their face,
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  Speaker 3: and they won't call you ninety seconds later and say
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  Speaker 3: this was a bad idea. They'll let you go and
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: have fun.
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: Where are you far away home? So dr Justin Kilson
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: from having Family dot com.
• 8:42
  Speaker 3: That are you? Thank you so much? Always great a chat.
• 8:44
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• 8:46
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• 8:49
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• 8:52
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• 8:54
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• 8:57
  Speaker 2: episode as soon as it is uploaded. For more information
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: on all of doctor Justin Coulson's books, programs, and podcasts
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: go to Happy Families dot com dot au. Or if
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: you'd like to have doctor Justin Coulson speak at your
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: school or event, go to Justinculson dot com