Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / You have to REWIRE your mind when you leave a narcissist

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You have to REWIRE your mind when you leave a narcissist · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  What is going on, beautiful people?
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  Today we are talking about one of the toughest things to do
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  once you get out of a relationship with a narcissist,
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  or once you plan on leaving a relationship with a narcissist.
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  If you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
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  I'm a clinically diagnosed narcissist and welcome to
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  another episode of The Narcissist Code.
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  Boom. Welcome back, welcome back.
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  Welcome back. Y'all.
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  So one of the toughest things to do when you're trying to leave a
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  toxic relationship with a narcissist or toxic person or
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  you've already left that relationship.
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  I then this is going to sound weird, y'all.
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  But I was having AI was on a zoom call yesterday and this
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  woman mentioned this. And I was just like, yeah, one
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  of the toughest things that you have to do is fight your nature.
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  You have to fight what you're conditioned to do.
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  You have to fight your conditioning.
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  You have to change your entire thought process A lot of times
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  when you get out of these relationships because depending
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  on how long you've been in a relationship, I know everybody's
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  mind works differently. And how everybody's you know has
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  been in different, you know, different lengths of time in
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  these relationships. Like, you get conditioned to
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  behave in a certain type of way. So one of the questions I ask
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  people is who did you have to become to be in this
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  relationship? Who do you have to become to
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  survive in this relationship? Because just because you leave
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  that relationship with that narcissist doesn't mean that
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  you're going to go back to who you were before you got into
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  this relationship. It doesn't mean that you're
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  going to change your behaviors as soon as you leave this
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  relationship because you're still going to be conditioned to
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  think about this person a lot of times.
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  You're still going to be conditioned to put their needs
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  above your own, to put how they feel above how you feel, to put
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  what they want above what you want.
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  You've been conditioned for so long to to accept these
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  behaviors that it's understandable to feel this way.
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  That's why I like yeah, that's why I like talking to people.
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  That's why I like doing one on ones.
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  And I'm about to start doing a lot more live interviews on in
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  like in the backstage area or in person as well.
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  I'm going to start doing in person interviews with my
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  podcast as well. So if you're in the North
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  Carolina area, let's set something up.
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  But yeah, you have to change your conditioning.
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  You have to rewire your mind when you are preparing to leave.
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  And when you have already left, you have to rewire your mind,
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  because the lady I was talking to yesterday, she was like,
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  yeah, I got to, I'm going out of town.
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  I got to think about I'm going out of town and I got to let him
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  know where I'm going to go. I'm like, why I stopped there.
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  I said why? Why do you do y'all not
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  together? Why do you need to let him know
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  where you're going? And she's she's shaking her head
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  and she started laughing. But I was like, you see you're
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  still conditioned to put his needs before your own.
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  You have to change that. But if you catch it, it's so
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  it's it's it gets better when you catch it.
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  You know what I mean? It gets better once you
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  understand it that you're actually doing it because a lot
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  of people don't realize you're doing it because now it's second
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  nature. You know, the way I could the,
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  the easiest example I can give y'all is tying your shoe.
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  When you learn how to tie your shoe.
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  My son is tying the shoe right now.
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  It is a tough task. I remember to learn how to tie
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  my shoe or riding on a bike. But now you, like you can tie
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  your I can tie my shoe right now when I'm talking to you.
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  I haven't ridden an actual bike. I've been on a peloton.
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  I've been on a peloton riding a bike.
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  I haven't ridden an actual bike in forever, but I can hop on
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  that bike right now and ride it, even though I haven't ridden a
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  bike in about 5-10 years. You see, that's the space that a
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  lot of people fall into right there.
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  That's the actual mindset. That's the actual mentality that
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  so many people fall into because we don't understand what we're
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  doing. We don't understand, like I say
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  you, you're conditioned to it. You've been trained,
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  narcissistic. Being in a toxic relationship is
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  going through a toxic ass obstacle course, a toxic
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  training cycle, a toxic, a toxic training program, right?
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  It is. It really is.
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  It's going through a toxic the training course of toxicity,
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  like, damn near. You're training for the opposite
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  of the Marines. You're training to survive a
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  toxic relationship. They trained to survive war.
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  You're trained to survive mental physical abuse.
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  You see what I'm saying? You have to rewire your whole
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  damn mind. It really, really is.
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  You know what I mean? It really is.
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  You have to rewire the entirety of your thinking process, of how
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  your mind is working, of what's going on in this situation.
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  You have to rewire it, and it takes time.
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  And because it takes time, it can be extremely frustrating to
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  deal with. It can be extremely frustrating
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  because even when you get out of a relationship, you try to go no
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  contact, you're still thinking about them.
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  If you've been conditioned to protect them and not tell people
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  what you've been through, it's hard to tell people what you've
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  been through. I don't want to make it wasn't
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  all. I don't want to make them seem
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  like a bad person because because it wasn't always bad.
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  Even though they beat me and blacked my eye and tried to
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  unlive me like, I'm like, wait, what did you just say?
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  What did you just say? I was like, listen to what
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  you're saying. You're still protecting them.
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  And they were just like, I didn't even realize it.
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  It's second nature. It's it's wild.
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  When it's it's it's your your sub.
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  Your subconscious has been programmed to do it.
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  It's it's consciously unconscious, like you're doing
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  it without thinking about it. You know you're you don't
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  realize. You know you're doing it.
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  You know you're saying it, but you don't realize it.
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  The conditioning runs deep. And being realistic, the longer
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  you've been in these relationships, the harder it is
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  to break that conditioning. The harder it is to break that
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  mindset, the harder it is to set yourself free.
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  It's hard. It is extremely hard.
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  And this is not me too. Sure, I'm like, oh, you need to
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  get over it. No, it takes time.
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  You know, I'm not. I'm not saying it's going to
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  take as long as you were in the relationship to heal from it.
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  Because if you've been in a relationship for 30 years, I'm
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  like, hey, look, it's going to take 30 years to rewire your
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  mind. No, you know what?
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  This is going to hurt. You're 5067 years old, like,
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  you're going to rewire your mind for the rest of your life.
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  And some people are just like, well, I'm ready.
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  I would rather rewire my mind than to give that person another
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  second of my time, you know? I would rather rather rewire my
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  whole entire I would rather reconfigure my whole entire life
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  than to spend one more minute with that person.
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  You have to rewire your mind. Catch yourself.
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  Yeah. Be more conscious.
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  Conscious, You know, be more self-conscious of what you're
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  saying and what you're doing. Watch your behavior, observe
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  your own behaviors within this space right here.
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  Because I can catch it. Because I'm listening for it.
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  You might not catch it because you've been doing it for so
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  long. You might you might like, OK,
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  I'm going to call their mom. I'm going to do this.
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  Wait, wait, what am I doing? Why am I calling their mom or
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  their sister? Why am I checking in on them?
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  I'm no contact because you're so used to making sure they they're
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  OK. I know this time of the year
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  they get really cold and they need, they need this extra
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  blanket or whatever I need. What, am I still doing this?
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  I I've been buying them a coat every single year and I I'm not
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  there to buy a coat. I need to make sure that they
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  buy a coat. No, you don't.
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  That's not your responsibility anymore.
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  Buy yourself a coat. It's hard to recondition
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  yourself. It's hard to rewire yourself.
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  I'm not trying to make it seem like it's an easy task.
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  It takes time, but the first step in doing this and rewiring
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  your mind is acknowledging that there's some rewiring that needs
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  to be done. And that's just the truth of it.
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  There's some rewiring that needs to be done.
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  There's healing that need be need to be done.
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  A better word is healing. You know you're rewiring, but
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  you're you're healing at the same time.
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  You know, because that's how it goes right there.
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  You know it, it, you know, that's how it goes.
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  That really is the spot. That's part of it.
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  You know what I mean? You need to do things for
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  yourself. Recondition your mind to be to
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  make yourself happy. Recondition your mind and make
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  you feel safe outside of the relationship.
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  You know, do something for yourself.
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  That's why I tell people like self love is not selfish, you
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  know, that's why. Like I said, that's literally
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  why I got myself love journal that's on Amazon to help you
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  understand how to re love yourself.
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  You have to tell yourself how to re love yourself.
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  I'm worthy, I'm thoughtful, I'm loving.
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  I'm fun. Go do something fun for yourself
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  today. That's your that's your that's
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  your homework for the day after watching these videos is to go,
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  is to go do something for yourself.
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  Today, go do something that makes you happy.
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  Go exercise, travel, draw, go to the bar.
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  Have a drink by yourself. You know what I mean?
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  Don't get too, don't, don't get, don't look, alcohol and no
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  contact, don't mix. So don't get, don't get slurry,
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  don't get splashed, you know, sloshed with the word sloshed.
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  Don't get sloshed. You know, take your time and
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  rewire yourself. Take your time and heal
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  yourself. Take your time and grow.
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  It's a healing growth journey. That's what it is, you know,
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  because it's it's become a requirement.
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  And again I understand that it's not fair.
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  Lead. It's not fair.
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  I get it's not fair. Life is not fair.
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  Sometimes y'all healing is not fair.
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  Some people take longer to heal than others.
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  But don't compare your healing journey to somebody else.
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  Don't compare your healing progress than someone else's.
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  Your journey might look similar, but your progress might be
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  different. You might feel different being
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  one month no contact than somebody else being six months
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  no contact. You know, you might feel
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  different at the at the one year mark than your friend felt that
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  the one year mark. You might still have some
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  moments of rumination. You might still have some
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  moments of of pain and hurt. And it's OK because it's part of
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  growing. That's part of the process.
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  That's part of healing and acknowledging that there's
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  something going on. Growth in healing.
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  Yeah, I love growth in healing. I love the fact when people grow
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  in healing, I love it. You know what I mean?
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  Have fun on your healing and growth journey.
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  Like you got if you got restricted from doing things
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  inside of your relationship, if they told you that you couldn't
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  do something, go do it. They told they hated when I got
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  my heartbeat. Go get your heartbeat.
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  They hated when I went to the gym.
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  Go to the gym. They hate when I hung up on my
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  friends. Go, hey, I want your friends.
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  Play the video game. Play some Fortnite.
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  Do it. You're no longer restricted.
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  You're free. It's different being free.
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  It's different, you know what I mean?
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  It's different being free. So you have to, you know, you
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  have to empower yourself. You have to be strong, You know,
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  you have to take take control. You're in control right now.
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  And being in control can be scary because you're being
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  controlled for so long. Being in control can be scary.
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  But let's rewire our minds together.
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  Y'all you know. You're always like Sam.
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  I'm always available. You know where to find me at.
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  Of course, subscribe to the channel if you haven't.
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  Mental illness is out peace. Thank you so much for making it
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  to the end of my video. You are a Mental illness
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  Rockstar and I appreciate you for being here.
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  If you haven't already, make sure to click on the screen to
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  subscribe to the channel and watch another one of my videos
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  on my playlist. There's also a link available up
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  here for you to purchase my kids.
• 11:46
  But remember, it's not your fault on Amazon, so check that
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  out. Thank you.
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  I will see you in the next video.
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  Peace.