Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #32: Change Starts With You: How One Mom’s Journey Helped Her Daughter Find Happiness Again

Transcript

#32: Change Starts With You: How One Mom’s Journey Helped Her Daughter Find Happiness Again · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sure you join us, and this is lunch.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: On today's episode, I'm having a conversation with a mom who has such an inspirational story to share, one that I think will really resonate with you.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Would she still happen to her adult daughter because of the choices that this woman was making?
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: Was he impetus for her to go through the biggest change in her life?
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: She knew that her daughter was struggling, but she realized that it was up to her to do something about it.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: I know many parents like you feel helpless when it comes to your adult children.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: And that's because you might be focusing on the wrong person.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: Change starts within you.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: What followed was a journey of courage, tough decisions, and transformation.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: And while things are still unfolding, because life is a process, this mom is seeing real growth.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: And not just in terms of respect and responsibilities, but most importantly, in her daughter's self-confidence.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: I hope her story inspires you and gives you hope that if your adult child isn't thriving, there is something you can do.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Change is possible.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so grateful to have her on in today's episode.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're a parent who has a story to share, whether you're still in the middle of the struggle or finding your way through it, please reach out.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Your journey could be exactly what another parent needs to hear.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: Remember to hit the follow button so you never miss an episode, and let's get started.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, Dolly.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, Sherry.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to launch.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for having me.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: I actually want to thank you for joining me here today.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: You are actually my first parent guest who is sharing their journey with their adult child.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: So wow.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: Lots of pressure.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Nervous but excited.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Good, good.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: Well, hopefully you'll inspire others to want to come on here and do the same.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: Because the truth is, this topic is very difficult for parents to talk about.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: But you're on the other side of it now.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: And so that must feel really good.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: It feels surreal.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I am so humbled and grateful.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because I remember when we first met a few years ago, and you were going through a really rough time at home.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: And as the parent of two adult children living with you, I remember how concerned you were, specifically about your daughter, Kieran.
• 2:36
  unknown: Yeah.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: And um I had verbal diarrhea that evening.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: And I was comfortable enough to share with you.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: And when I think back of it at that time, it was basically the space that you created for me to feel so comfortable because we did not know each other very closely, you know.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: However, you created that space for me to share the circumstances of my marriage, my concern for my children.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_01: And uh I felt very insecure and that I couldn't go on, and I wouldn't be able to survive in the situation that I'm in, but also I thought I couldn't survive outside of that situation because I didn't know any better.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: I was married very young into an extended Indian family and stayed with them throughout my whole marriage.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: So there was a lot of control, and there was a lot of you can't do this or you're not supposed to do this, and this is what you're supposed to do.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_01: So when I was explaining my situation and the environment, you know, often someone's saying, like, get out, so why don't you leave?
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: Why don't you leave?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I thought they were nuts saying that to me because how can I leave?
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: How would I support myself?
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: What do I know about bills?
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_01: How do I know about life?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: How am I gonna get a home?
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: Where am I gonna stay?
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_01: What am I gonna do?
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: What could I afford?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: And everything was very overwhelming.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: And then I think when it started impacting my daughter years later, is when I had an aha moment, and I finally made the decision to look out for myself, and that was after I turned 50.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Can you share with the listener a little bit about Kieran?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: How old is she now and what she was like back then?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like yeah, you you mentioned that it's almost like she was the driving force for you to do what you did.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: So, what were your biggest concerns and frustrations at that time, specifically with her?
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: So she's 35 now.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: And uh growing up, she was a wonderful individual that looked absolutely amazing but didn't know it.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: So the change was her body and her mind.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: So growing up, she was fine, and I think when she was about 20, uh, so late, uh, you know, just coming out of her teens and into early womanhood, uh, there was some bullying with her friends, and she sort of ostracized for some reason, and she lost that trust.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: So, first of all, it was the friendship trust, and then she was completely fine with letting that go, and she was very strong in saying, I don't need that because that bullying and that control is not for me, and the drama, she didn't need that, so she stepped away from that, and then just really focused more at being at home and a little bit introvert, but but not wholly.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: As she was growing older in the family environment, it became more apparent about my relationship with my husband and my relationship with the family and the control.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: So she was seeing the control from my husband, and then it was coming out with my son, and it seemed to be that that was the norm, and and I carried on living life, so I thought, to the best, but it was impacting her with what she was seeing and what she was hearing of words, not very nice words, behavior, and it wasn't directed to her at that time.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: It was more towards me, but she could see it, and and it was impacting her.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: As time went on, I think sometimes it was towards her, and the last straw was on her 30th birthday when my husband was quite derogatory to her on her birthday.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: I think that was the turning point.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: It was, you're doing it to me, and I took it.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: Your family did it to me and I took it.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: And we tried to protect the children because of the family environment, so we spoiled them rotten.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: They had everything and anything they wanted.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_01: And at that time, on that evening of her birthday, I think that was my turning point because I thought I don't want her to think this is normal, and I don't want her to go on with life thinking that this is okay.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: And during that time frame, for about, I would say about six, seven years, she had become an introvert.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: She was in her room a lot of the time, and no one was allowed to come in and out of her room.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_01: And a couple of times when I managed to go in just because she kept it, it was unlocked by accident.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_01: There was I was shocked because there was so much hoarding.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: So she was hoarding and she was buying and she was keeping, and with the things that she was showing us, that you know, she didn't hide things, but but she kept a lot of the stuff in bags, and it it was just overwhelming when when I went in.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: I I I couldn't step on the floor, and so we had like a couple of interventions.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: My son helped me to help her clear it.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: But the concern was the spending, and it was designer items with a lot of spending happening, and her body had started changing, so she had was putting on weight, and the same items that she used to wear didn't fit her anymore, and and and they were still there, so it was more cosmetics, handbags, shoes, that type of thing that she was buying.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: You could open a farm like a store because she had that much, that many things.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: I think on the day that that this happened to her, and she was getting worse and worse after that behavior, a little bit, you know, rude, losing her herself and becoming something that wasn't nice.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: Not that she was wicked, but just a different different mindset.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: It was on the defense all the time, a lot of the time.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_01: And then at that point, when she was picking up on the relationship with her father, it wasn't great, her relationship with her brother wasn't great, she was bullied, she was called things that were, you know, not nice, that is unkind.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: I had a hiatus, I was in between work and I went to Niagara on the lake.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I spent a month on my own in an Airbnb on the lake, and and I was meditating, I was praying, I was walking, and I was spending most of the time in nature.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: I would go to this park that I found, I didn't even know it was there, opposite Niagara Falls, and feed the ducks, feed the squirrels.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: It was wonderful.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: That's when I found myself, and that's when I decided that I can't do this anymore and I need to make a change.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I knew that I didn't want Kieran to be in that environment.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_01: I needed to have a space for her where she could be her true self and be happy and be free and do what she wants to do without the control of judgment and have have a more healthier environment and a healthy life and be happy.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: And I didn't want her to think that this was the norm that she had to do this or she had to continue it.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_01: Um yeah.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's incredible.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_00: I love that you just shared all of that.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: I really do.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's so important because it wasn't just about you noticing uh what was going on with her, but you were able to kind of make the connection that you were almost losing your daughter, the this little girl that you knew and loved.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: She was changing because of what was going on in her environment.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: And that you were going to be the one that was going to have to pull her out of that situation, that as long as you were in that environment, that it was going to be very challenging for you.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: And so I'm so excited that you that you had that that time to yourself.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_00: Because sometimes that that is the biggest problem, that you know, that mindfulness, that medit, that time to meditate, that stepping away from the situation and that immense self-awareness that came over you.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: So what was the relationship like?
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: Were you close when she was younger?
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: Was she pulling away?
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: Was she we're talking about an a young adult who is struggling in an environment, but what was your relationship like then?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Because we're going to bring it forward.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to kind of like before we do that, I want to talk about what your relationship was like.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_01: Growing up, it was it was amazing.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: We were very close, we did lots of things together, you know, we spent time together and she was very respectful.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's not as if she was ever completely a different person towards me.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: However, if I'm true to myself, wouldn't you feel slightly resentful of your mom if you were in that situation?
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_01: I don't, I'm just assuming she never ever said anything of how she felt against me.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I think it was more of how she was being made to feel by others.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: And so I tried to support her as much as I could.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: She helped around the house, she did whatever she needed to do, but sometimes I was a bit naggy because I wasn't aware until I had seen the situation that she was living in, that behind those doors, it was like a prison and a messy one at that.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like how she survived that time, I can't imagine.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: So it's almost like you were able to make the connection that what was going on inside of her room was almost going what was going on inside of her, the chaos, right?
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: The chaos.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_00: So you made a very big decision.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: It took me four or five years, and I kept saying, I want to leave, I want to do, I want to separate, and I can't stay.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_01: I heard promises um and it wasn't followed through.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: And I did go to the elders of our family to ask for help, and and they absolutely agreed.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_01: They came, you know, saw the situation in the home with with my husband's clutter, and I just couldn't take it anymore.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: And and they agreed, we'll we'll support you with next steps.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: So finally, last year, 2024, New Year's Day, I had returned from London, England, uh, had some time with my mom, and they knew for a couple of years that I was on this path, and I needed the permission from my mum as well.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_01: So I said to my husband that I want to leave.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_01: I want to divorce, I I I want to go.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: And that was a big, big thing.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: It and that was not the first time I was saying it, but last year was the first time that I followed through.
• 16:03
  SPEAKER_01: And having the conversation with him, I then had the conversation with my my children, and I said, I'm leaving, and you're most welcome to come with me.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_01: And Kieran, this is what it's gonna be like, Gripal, this is what it's gonna be like when we move.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: This is what I'm looking for.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, tell me about that.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: What did you say to them that is gonna change from that current living situation to this new one?
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: You gave them the heads up that things are gonna be different.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: So what is I want to know what you said?
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_01: I cannot afford to keep you like your father did.
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_01: So it's gonna be a partnership, it's gonna be us doing it all together and taking responsibility.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_01: There's gonna be no clutter and there's going to be kindness.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: You can't live in a mess because that was what was breaking me as well as a person.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: I could not, I felt suffocated and I felt stifled, and I thought I was going to die with all the overwhelming mess with his work things, and then seeing it carry on into my children's bedroom.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_01: So that's not going to be accepted, and I don't know where and how we'll be living.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_01: We will not have our own cars because everybody had a car, so we'll be sharing.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: And you would need to help towards that, which was huge.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_01: Uh they paid for grocery, but they didn't pay for anything else.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_01: So uh Kieran decided to come with me, and it was actually uh also in my plan to bring her because you don't leave your daughter in, you don't leave your children full stop.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_01: They were both welcome.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_01: But Kieran, I had a conversation with this is what you need to do.
• 18:14
  SPEAKER_01: You need to keep up with your counseling that you're having because I think it's very, very important for therapy.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_01: You need to make sure that you are gonna become a better self for you.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: There's there's I'm not saying you need to be like this, I'm just saying that you need to be clear of your clutter, do not have overspending, do not rack up your credit card, and you are gonna have to change with the way that you're living.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_01: She was so happy.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_01: She said, I'm so glad that we're we're leaving, and I promise I will do what we have to do, and we'll be fine.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so she we we we had set that expectation, and then we started on the journey for looking for somewhere, and uh I came to the conclusion with a great bump because I was also a princess that I couldn't afford to stay where I was staying, and so I've had to move seven hours drive away, and what I manifested happened, and I can't believe it because this is huge, this is huge.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_01: We are in a space where we're happy, uh I look out any window and there's nature, and uh it hasn't been easy because I've had to change my parenting.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_01: Tell me how you did that, it couldn't just be giving to make make it easy and make everything okay, because if I gave her the space, or if we gave her the money, or if we bought this, or if we went out to eat, it'll be okay, but it's not.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_01: So I had to change my parenting.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_01: As to I I did find that when we first moved, it was great.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_01: We, you know, we were unpacking, we were putting things out, we were decluttering there and here.
• 20:30
  SPEAKER_01: We continued to declutter, but I found patterns of I was cleaning up after her.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_01: And you know, the bedroom door was shut.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, the doors are to be open in this home.
• 20:45
  SPEAKER_01: The doors are gonna be open, and it just is not that I'm nosy.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_01: She can she has the privacy of, you know, when she's closed, I'm not gonna bother her.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_01: But when you're out or when you're not doing anything personal, the doors are open because I had started seeing a pattern of the bed not made and clothes piling up and the bathroom.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_01: She's has a larger bathroom than I do, and there was clutter, and I was like, and I felt nagging, nagging, nagging, and I felt I was going backwards.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_01: And what am I doing wrong?
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_01: So basically, it was a heart-to-heart with me setting expectations, which I've never done.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_01: I've never stated what I need, I've never made it that clear.
• 21:35
  SPEAKER_01: So it was setting expectations and coming to terms and realizing how I felt when I saw that returning.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, I'm getting overwhelmed, and it sounds like I'm being a nagg, but we're in a partnership here, and yes, I'm still your mom, but we're we're we're Boarding together.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_01: We're in this home together.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's a different partnership.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_01: There's responsibility.
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_01: And you're not a child, you're an adult.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I want her to be able to sustain what she needs to do and have the habits that I'm not going to be here forever.
• 22:21
  SPEAKER_01: So when I'm not here, can you carry on living properly and clearly with clear mind?
• 22:31
  SPEAKER_01: You know, expenses, bills, uh, fixing things, who are we reaching out to.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_01: We're alone, and and she has seen a different side of me.
• 22:43
  SPEAKER_01: I've seen a different side of me.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_01: Like my husband was in construction, didn't have to fix or look after or do anything.
• 22:52
  SPEAKER_01: It was all done.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_01: It was literally, this is broken, that's cracked, we need a new one of this, this is run out, and it was done.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_01: So making decisions on finding somebody that I would have to now pay to either fix or make or build or and and dealing with things that the fridge freezer died three days before Christmas.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_01: She was completely wowed, and she shared with her workmates that my mom went out and bought a fridge freezer, and then she got someone to pick it up because Best Buy was not doing any deliveries three days before Christmas.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_01: Go pick it up, bring it here and install it.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_01: So now we have a fridge freezer for Christmas.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_01: Otherwise, they were saying the new year.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_01: I sometimes need a reminder from a very close friend and my family to say, this is what you just did, and oh my god.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_01: And I see that in her.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_01: But it's amazing.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_01: It's amazing to see a different side.
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's still a journey.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's not perfect, but we are working on it.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's ongoing.
• 24:53
  SPEAKER_00: So, what's she like now at home?
• 24:55
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I love that she's singing.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's obviously a sign of a happy person.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_00: But is she so she's tidy in the house now?
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: She's working.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, she's always has been working, thank goodness.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_01: So she her work was she was able to transfer over.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: Is she contributing?
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like how is she adulting for you in a way that's that she didn't do before?
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_01: Adulting by transferring, she is transferring you know part of her pay towards the uh household expenses.
• 25:25
  SPEAKER_01: Definitely she's got some roles and responsibilities that she didn't have before, like there's you know, garbage day and taking it out and recycling, clearing every weekend because I used to do it, but now it's the whole house, and it's not as if it's all on her.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_01: It's I'm doing my part, she's doing her part, and it's something that we have come to an agreement of I'll look after this if you do this section, and she's like, Yes.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_01: And then sometimes there's been shortcomings when she said, I can't.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, What do you mean?
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_01: We I need that, and so she's not spending in other areas where she shouldn't, it's mostly groceries, but she's not doing the self-hoarding, she does not feel that she has to go and buy something to make her feel better.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_01: She actually goes down in the basement and then it's like shopping down there because the things that you know we've not been able to pull out, she can pull out and it's brand new, and we love it, and she like got this cream or she's got this scrub, and we are enjoying what she has because it means something.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_01: It means something, it now is a reward for how we're living to be able to sustain what we want and live within our means.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_01: So it's it's it's very calming, and she comes in and she looks forward to coming home.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_01: She loves our space, and she is quite happy pottering around, doing whatever we need to do here.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_01: Whereas she used to run out from the home and not want to be in that space because it made her feel better to go out, buy something, or go out when we used to go out and eat because we felt better.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_01: We just didn't want to be in the home, and that was very costly.
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_01: That was costly to our health, it was costly to our mind, it was costly with money, and we were running away, and we've stopped running, we've stopped running, and I I keep reminding her that you know, whatever I'm doing is my journey, but this is your journey.
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_01: What do you want to do?
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_01: How do you want to spend your spare time?
• 28:07
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have to do the same as I do.
• 28:10
  SPEAKER_01: What do you want to do for yourself?
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not the same Indian tradition that I have said, you must do this, you must get married, you must do this.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, I want to be a grandma.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_01: And I actually don't care in which order.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_01: But um, you know, it's it's her life, it's her journey, and I want her to live it how she wants to live it, and not have an expectation of society or or what is we think that she should be doing.
• 28:46
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel that she could have made this transformation or this transition in her life if you hadn't done it for you, for yourself?
• 28:56
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_00: So, do you see the connection between you taking care of yourself and doing what you needed to do to empower yourself?
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_00: How that impacted her?
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_01: I see that now.
• 29:10
  SPEAKER_01: I do see that now.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_01: I felt I felt very selfish at the beginning when I was making this decision.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_01: And it wasn't just about me.
• 29:19
  SPEAKER_01: I needed the children to understand that they will grow from it too, and it will benefit them.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_01: And I see that it is benefiting them.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um does she talk about it with you?
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: Does she say does she see the transition in herself or absolutely?
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, she does.
• 29:43
  SPEAKER_01: She says that she really loves it and she's glad that we're here.
• 30:01
  SPEAKER_01: And then when suddenly I say, Oh, this happened and I did this, and she goes, My wow, that's great, Mom.
• 30:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um, we don't sit and talk about the past because we don't need to.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_01: We've we've sort of forgotten, and now we're just focusing on the here and now and the future.
• 30:22
  SPEAKER_01: And it's exciting.
• 30:25
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, and and not to say that you know, there's there's no days when suddenly she's not done something or we've had bad words.
• 30:32
  SPEAKER_01: That's just how families are.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so there's it's not a complete silver lining, but there's so much hope.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_01: And I am extremely grateful for all the support that I've had because I have not done this alone, um, from very close friends and family.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_01: There is no way I could have done it alone, and I I constantly thank them, but in return, they say, you did it.
• 31:06
  SPEAKER_01: You did it.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_01: We couldn't do it.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_01: You actually followed through and did it.
• 31:11
  SPEAKER_01: And they have known me actually professionally when I first came to London over third um Canada over 30 years ago, and they see that timid individual growing and moving through life and what I've become now.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_01: They said, you're a powerhouse.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_01: And that feels that feels so great because I did not believe I could do it.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_01: I thought that, even when you said it to me, Sherry, I thought you were crazy.
• 31:49
  SPEAKER_01: There is no way I could do this.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_01: And you believed and you saw, as did so many others.
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm very grateful for that.
• 31:59
  SPEAKER_01: And I will continue doing my best.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_01: That's all I can do.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_00: Dolly, can you share with the parents that are listening right now some suggestions that they can implement to help their adult children?
• 32:13
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, your situation is unique, not everybody's going to do what you did and actually leave a bad environment or whatever.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: But your your self-awareness, making these connections, a lot of parents are becoming are are are realizing what's going on with themselves being unhappy and how that is modeling to their children.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: And so they're realizing now that in order for my adult children to change, I'm gonna have to change.
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 32:39
  SPEAKER_00: So, what suggestions can you share?
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's the the conversation and the consistency.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_01: I was not consistent previously.
• 32:50
  SPEAKER_01: I was not consistent.
• 32:53
  SPEAKER_01: My words didn't mean anything because mommy's not gonna follow through.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_01: So this was a huge shock with what I did do.
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_01: And it's consistency of what your expectations are in the home, regardless of what it is, and a follow-through or a consequence, and not like a you can't smack your children.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_01: Nowadays, it's just like what is the consequence?
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_01: The consequence has to be meaningful to them so that the child remembers that if I do this, this is what's gonna happen, and that's not fun, and it's actually following through with that.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_01: So it's it's I think being consistent because if you're all over the place, it's not clear for the child, which I found.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_01: And also I think that it's very important to introduce outside help if you need it.
• 33:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um, therapy, I used to think it was a taboo because no one ever did therapy in our society, and but now I feel that I think it's very helpful, and engaging who you need to help and being together as one, because if one parent is saying one thing and the other one is going to go ahead and override it, that's not healthy for the child, it's not healthy for your relationship, and it it really confuses and in fact can be detrimental because I lived in an extended family, so my rules were not always consistent because the grandparent could go ahead and override.
• 34:38
  SPEAKER_01: So it didn't help.
• 34:40
  SPEAKER_01: And and if you're not in an extended, just you know, your you, your partner, if you're not on the same page, it doesn't help.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's interesting.
• 34:51
  SPEAKER_00: You're so I I love that the consistency is huge because you know, children they they play on that.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_00: Then if they if you're not if you don't follow through, and if you're not consistent, they will take advantage and they'll push you, and and you just after a while, you just get tired of the nagging.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so they essentially they win.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: They win that war of my my parent doesn't really follow through.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm I'm gonna do what I want to do to the detriment of the young adult.
• 35:20
  SPEAKER_00: So consistency is huge.
• 35:22
  SPEAKER_00: You you've said several times your expectations, that you set expectations in the new home.
• 35:29
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we call them, I mean, they are expectations, but another word is boundaries.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, because these were your non-negotiables.
• 35:37
  SPEAKER_00: You were not going to go into that new home allowing the same things to happen.
• 35:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's something that parents feel very badly about, is setting expectations and boundaries.
• 35:47
  SPEAKER_00: But the boundaries aren't on them, it's on you.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's something that you feel strongly about.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_00: So if you say, I am I'm not comfortable with a mess, I'm not comfortable with clutter, that is what's important to me.
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_00: You set those boundaries, they have to respect you.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_00: That is what we all live like in every relationship.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just a parent-child dynamic.
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's you and I could be roommates.
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_00: So we have to respect each other, and those boundaries are important.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_00: You hit it right on the head.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_01: There was not that respect previously.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't respected because they didn't see that respect coming from anywhere else.
• 36:29
  SPEAKER_01: And so now I want respect because I will be just as respectful back.
• 36:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's not that it's a one-way street.
• 36:40
  SPEAKER_01: If I'm being kind and courteous and asking in a certain way, then when you are not following through and you're just leaving your clothes everywhere and you're not clearing and you're just leaving mess, it you're you're being disrespectful to me, and I deserve respect.
• 37:00
  SPEAKER_00: Dolly, I always love to leave on a positive note.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_00: And actually, everything you've been saying feels so positive for the parent, the listener.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_00: But what message would you have for parents who are, you know, where you were last year, you know, faced with a young adult who was struggling to be, you know, confident and responsible.
• 37:24
  SPEAKER_00: So, what message can you share for parents that are in the same situation as you a year ago?
• 37:30
  SPEAKER_01: Don't lose hope.
• 37:32
  SPEAKER_01: We will do what we can for our children.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_01: We always do.
• 37:36
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes you have to be tough.
• 37:40
  SPEAKER_01: And it seems as if you know you're you're making decisions or you're saying something that's it that is not what they want to hear, but that tough love will get your child ready for the real world out there, because we're not always going to be here to protect them and to steer them correct.
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_01: So definitely you can do it.
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_01: You absolutely can do what you need to do, just follow through and be consistent and deep down manifest seriously what is it?
• 38:19
  SPEAKER_01: What is the outcome that you want, and just focus on it.
• 38:23
  SPEAKER_01: And you may have to try different methods on how you're communicating that or what you're doing.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_01: Each of our situations is so different.
• 38:32
  SPEAKER_01: Something may be so trivial to one person, but it's huge for someone else.
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_01: And quite honestly, believe in yourself and it it will definitely happen.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I think it's important to have the support, whether it's professional or whether it's a family or friend, um, or a few of them, to have that ability to be able to discuss truly what's going on.
• 39:03
  SPEAKER_01: And you never know what you'll pick up from somebody that is outside of the box looking in, because that has helped a great deal because you don't see it.
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_01: And follow your heart and do whatever you want to do with love and kindness, and you'll be fine.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_00: I love everything you said.
• 39:30
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's such an incredible inspiration for other parents.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_00: Please tell Karen that I think that you are both so lucky to have each other.
• 39:41
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 39:41
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks so much, Sherry.
• 39:43
  SPEAKER_00: We'll we'll catch up again soon.
• 39:45
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks, Delhi.
• 39:48
  SPEAKER_00: I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood.
• 39:57
  SPEAKER_00: If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
• 40:03
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