Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / My Parents Were Crazy! 🤣🤣🤣Stories From a Chaotic Childhood

Transcript

My Parents Were Crazy! 🤣🤣🤣Stories From a Chaotic Childhood · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

0:00
SPEAKER_04: Monday morning I was barely alive brushing my teeth.
0:03
SPEAKER_04: When my heel landed on a slippery bar of soap.
0:10
SPEAKER_05: The bottle spun across the table slower and slower until it finally stopped, pointing straight at Nate.
0:16
SPEAKER_06: I've wanted to ask you this forever.
0:18
SPEAKER_06: Do you like Billy?
0:20
SPEAKER_04: Monday morning I was barely alive brushing my teeth.
0:23
SPEAKER_04: When my heel landed on a slippery bar of soap, but here's the thing.
0:30
SPEAKER_08: When my mom was in the hospital, she ended up getting diagnosed with dementia.
0:34
SPEAKER_08: Which has, of course, been the most heartbreaking thing to go through.
0:37
SPEAKER_04: But she is so smart and so funny that Monday morning I was barely alive brushing my teeth.
0:43
SPEAKER_04: When my heel landed on a slippery bar of soap, but here's the thing.
0:51
SPEAKER_08: When my mom was in the hospital, she ended up getting diagnosed with dementia, which has, of course, been the most heartbreaking thing to go through.
0:58
SPEAKER_08: But she is so smart and so funny that even with dementia, she's still pretty crafty, like still tries to prank people.
1:07
SPEAKER_08: So she and my brother were talking, he thought it was going well, and then all of a sudden, she just starts shouting, NERS!
1:15
unknown: Ners!
1:16
SPEAKER_08: And my brother's like, oh my god, mom, I'm right here.
1:19
SPEAKER_08: What do you need?
1:20
SPEAKER_08: The nurses come running in, they're like, Kathy, oh my god, what's going on?
1:24
SPEAKER_08: And my mom just goes, Look how handsome my son is.
1:33
SPEAKER_07: I'm like, are you out of your fucking mind?
1:35
SPEAKER_07: You could not be the mom who cried hot sun.
1:40
SPEAKER_07: You're gonna get kicked out of the home.
1:42
SPEAKER_08: Because now I feel like next time she actually needs help, the nurse is just gonna pop her head around from 50 feet away and be like, oh, let me guess, Kathy.
1:50
SPEAKER_08: Is your daughter funny?
1:52
SPEAKER_08: Is that what you're screaming at us for?
1:55
SPEAKER_08: It'd be so great if she was like, eh, she's okay.
2:08
SPEAKER_08: I have to tell you guys something that just happened.
2:10
SPEAKER_08: My cousin and I visited my mom, and we thought that my mom had fallen asleep.
2:15
SPEAKER_08: So my cousin decided to tell me that she just took her two high school nieces out to dinner.
2:19
SPEAKER_08: And her nieces are obsessed with mukbong videos.
2:21
SPEAKER_08: You guys know what mukbong videos are?
2:23
SPEAKER_08: Okay.
2:24
SPEAKER_08: If you don't know, it's this big trend on YouTube.
2:26
SPEAKER_08: People order massive quantities of food and they eat them on camera.
2:29
SPEAKER_08: So her nieces love these mukbong videos.
2:32
SPEAKER_08: And they're at dinner, and one of her nieces cleans her plate so fast.
2:36
SPEAKER_08: And my cousin looks at her and goes, Wow, Bailey, you should do your own bukake videos.
2:54
SPEAKER_08: And her niece went white in the face, which is very funny if you know what bukaky is.
3:17
SPEAKER_08: I mean such a delayed reaction.
3:28
SPEAKER_08: I can also tell that some of you do not know what book is.
3:32
SPEAKER_08: And honestly, you're better people for it.
3:35
SPEAKER_08: You are more pure of heart.
3:37
SPEAKER_08: Okay.
3:39
SPEAKER_08: A Midwest mom just went.
3:46
SPEAKER_08: If you want to find out what it is, give it a Google later.
3:49
SPEAKER_08: Um, don't do it at work, you'll get fired.
3:52
SPEAKER_08: It is a finishing move in the world of porn.
4:00
SPEAKER_08: And I'm like dying laughing at this story.
4:04
SPEAKER_08: And then all of a sudden, my mom goes, I've done bukaki once.
4:18
SPEAKER_08: And my cousin and I were like, no, no, no, no, no.
4:22
SPEAKER_08: Do not say that word in the home.
4:26
SPEAKER_08: I promise it is not whatever you think it is.
4:30
SPEAKER_08: It's not some fitness class you took at the YMCA.
4:34
SPEAKER_08: I'm sure my mom was just sitting there listening, like, oh Bob Zumba was full that one day, so I think I popped over to Bukaki.
4:40
SPEAKER_08: He's like, no, you did not.
4:41
SPEAKER_08: No, you did not.
4:43
SPEAKER_08: Nope, you never did that.
4:51
SPEAKER_08: And here's the thing, I always take really good care of my mom, but I took extra good care of her that day because I was like, those cannot be your last words.
5:08
SPEAKER_08: Don't you dare.
5:11
SPEAKER_08: And this is strange, but my entire family and I, including my mom, are actually world champion foosball players.
5:19
SPEAKER_08: Yeah, thank you.
5:21
SPEAKER_08: And my mom is in the Foosball Hall of Fame.
5:25
SPEAKER_08: Yeah.
5:27
SPEAKER_08: But every time my mom gets a new nurse, the nurse will always ask her about her life.
5:32
SPEAKER_08: And my mom always goes, Well, I'm in the Foosball Hall of Fame.
5:41
SPEAKER_08: And every nurse goes, uh, sure you are.
5:49
SPEAKER_08: And I'm always standing there like, oh, yeah, no, I know that sounds made up, but I swear it's real.
5:56
SPEAKER_08: And the nurse is like, hey, you don't have to.
6:05
SPEAKER_08: And I'm like, lady, I swear to God.
6:08
SPEAKER_08: I could show you her trophies, I can show you a video of her playing.
6:11
SPEAKER_08: And that's when the nurse starts to look at the other nurses, like, oh, does the daughter have dementia too?
6:17
SPEAKER_08: Just like a T-Mobile family plan of dementia.
6:22
SPEAKER_08: Too weird to believe.
6:24
SPEAKER_08: And my mom growing up was also somebody you did not want to cross.
6:28
SPEAKER_08: My parents got divorced in the 90s back when there were home phone answering machines.
6:34
SPEAKER_08: And before the divorce, our answering machine message was my dad saying, You've reached the cooks, please leave us a message.
6:41
SPEAKER_08: And then after the divorce, my mom had changed it to her just blasting Alanis Morissett's You Wotta Know.
6:54
SPEAKER_08: So every time my dad would call, my mom would let it go to the machine.
6:59
SPEAKER_08: So that if he wanted to leave a message for her every time, he first had to sit through the lyrics, and I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you went away.
7:25
SPEAKER_08: I mean, that's a bad bitch move right there.
7:28
SPEAKER_08: That takes balls.
7:30
SPEAKER_08: Because it's not like that was just the message for when my dad called.
7:36
SPEAKER_08: That was the message for literally anybody who called our house.
7:40
SPEAKER_08: So after a while, we started to get messages from people like, hey, this is Dave from Blockbuster.
7:55
SPEAKER_09: And uh I'm here to remind you.
8:15
SPEAKER_09: Really sorry about whatever you're going through.
8:24
SPEAKER_08: And long before my mom had dementia, she had retired from teaching and she had taken on some interesting retirement hobbies.
8:31
SPEAKER_08: She had started to screenshot the selfies I would post on Instagram, and then she would print them out and go to Cole's and buy those 30 photo collage frames and frame my selfies.
8:49
SPEAKER_08: But I didn't know she was doing this until I visited home one day and I just walked into a museum of my narcissism.
9:05
SPEAKER_08: And my mom crept up behind me.
9:07
SPEAKER_08: She was like.
9:12
SPEAKER_08: Do you love it?
9:16
SPEAKER_08: I do actually want to try and keep the magic alive with Chad for as long as I can.
9:20
SPEAKER_08: And my ex and I got pretty gross together toward the end.
9:23
SPEAKER_08: He and I always lived in a place that only had one bathroom, and he would go in there and take 45-minute man shits.
9:31
SPEAKER_08: And I finally asked him, I was like, hey, why does it take you so long to do that?
9:36
SPEAKER_08: And he goes, Well, my doctor told me that it's bad to push, so I don't push.
9:43
SPEAKER_08: I just sit and I'll let it fall out.
9:50
SPEAKER_08: I was like, what are you, a geisha?
9:55
SPEAKER_08: What are you trying to take these dainty shits for?
9:58
SPEAKER_08: You're a man.
9:59
SPEAKER_08: Just grab onto something, fire it out, get the fuck out of there! We can't wait for the stars to align, Mulan.
10:10
SPEAKER_08: It's Sunday, we've got errands to run.
10:12
SPEAKER_08: Go, get out.
10:15
SPEAKER_08: So he went in there one day for one of his sessions.
10:21
SPEAKER_08: And I knew it was gonna be a session because I could hear him lock the door.
10:25
SPEAKER_08: Which he always only did for number two.
10:28
SPEAKER_08: And I didn't know why.
10:29
SPEAKER_08: I think I know now.
10:30
SPEAKER_08: I think you dudes have this poo phobia that while you're sitting there all vulnerable, you're afraid we're gonna like bust the door down and jump on your lap and start tickling ya.
10:50
SPEAKER_05: The bottle swung across the table slower and slower until it finally stopped, pointing straight at Nate.
10:56
SPEAKER_05: I've wanted to ask you this forever.
10:58
SPEAKER_05: Do you like Billy?
10:59
SPEAKER_05: Nate Roll, the bottle spun across the table slower and slower until it finally stopped, pointing straight at Nate.
11:06
SPEAKER_06: I've wanted to ask you this forever.
11:08
SPEAKER_06: Do you like Billy?
11:09
unknown: Nate Roy.
11:13
SPEAKER_08: I'm not Steve-O, why would I do that?
11:17
SPEAKER_08: I would never do that.
11:20
SPEAKER_08: So he's in there, door locked, and on this day our buttholes had sinked.
11:27
SPEAKER_08: And I was like, oh no.
11:30
SPEAKER_08: Because I have IBS, so when I gotta go, I gotta go.
11:35
SPEAKER_08: So I texted him, and I was like, hey, I'm about to shit my pants.
11:43
SPEAKER_08: Siren emoji.
11:52
SPEAKER_08: Fire emoji.
11:56
SPEAKER_08: Making it crystal clear.
11:58
SPEAKER_08: He doesn't respond.
12:02
SPEAKER_08: I can hear his phone get my text.
12:05
SPEAKER_08: And I hear him just swipe out of it and continue to watch Parks and Wreck.
12:08
SPEAKER_08: I'm like, you motherfucker.
12:12
SPEAKER_08: So now I realize I do not have access to a toilet, and I've got some demons coming down the chute.
12:19
SPEAKER_08: I am in apocalypse survival mode.
12:21
SPEAKER_08: So I start frantically looking around our apartment for a substitute toilet.
12:28
SPEAKER_08: The first thing I see is the kitchen sink.
12:33
SPEAKER_08: I know.
12:34
SPEAKER_08: Right away I was like, too high.
12:42
SPEAKER_08: It's a lot of gymnastics I'm not qualified for.
12:45
SPEAKER_08: Next thing I see is my ex's favorite hat.
12:51
SPEAKER_08: Which emotionally felt like the right choice.
12:55
SPEAKER_08: Because I was ready to soft-serve him some pipe and hot justice.
13:00
SPEAKER_08: But I was like, ooh, that's a small surface area.
13:03
SPEAKER_08: I'm not confident in the aim.
13:05
SPEAKER_08: You guys know how I feel about urine samples.
13:09
SPEAKER_08: It's like if you can't be in a cup, you can't poop in a hat.
13:13
SPEAKER_08: That's a Dr.
13:14
SPEAKER_08: Seuss book we all grew up with.
13:19
SPEAKER_08: Everybody knows you can't do that.
13:22
SPEAKER_08: And so I looked and I looked, and I had to shit in an empty cardboard Amazon box in my own living room like an old homeless man.
13:39
SPEAKER_08: That changes you as a person.
13:42
SPEAKER_08: I was just squatting and crying.
13:45
SPEAKER_08: Our cats walked up to me.
13:51
SPEAKER_08: Booped noses.
13:54
SPEAKER_08: I was like, get out of here, go.
13:56
SPEAKER_08: They just watched me from the corner with giant eyes.
14:03
SPEAKER_08: They're just looking at me like, oh, you are one of us.
14:09
SPEAKER_08: Neat.
14:11
SPEAKER_08: And after I was done, I told my friends what had happened, and they were all like, why don't you just poop in your cat's litter box?
14:22
SPEAKER_08: And I was like, because I'm not trying to dominate them for the rest of their lives.
14:29
SPEAKER_08: Do you understand what a deranged power move that would be?
14:35
SPEAKER_08: To just bring the heat like that?
14:39
SPEAKER_08: Just dunk on them.
14:42
SPEAKER_08: That would be like if you shit in your baby's diaper.
14:49
SPEAKER_08: Your child would be taken from you.
14:52
SPEAKER_08: There are rules to this life.
14:55
SPEAKER_08: But I tell you guys this to tell you, I've been trying to hide that version of me far away from Chad.
15:01
SPEAKER_08: I don't ever want Chad to meet gross Kelsey.
15:05
SPEAKER_08: In warehouses, you know, they have those signs.
15:07
SPEAKER_08: It's like 32 days since last workplace incident.
15:13
SPEAKER_08: Well, I have a tiny one in my heart that says 1,842 days since I shit in a box.
15:27
SPEAKER_08: I'm trying to keep that number very high.
15:32
SPEAKER_08: But when Chad and I moved in together last year, we celebrated, we went out, we drank a bunch of tequila, and then the next morning, I got Chipotle.
15:43
SPEAKER_08: Bad choices.
15:45
SPEAKER_08: And we went back to our new place and I went into one of the bathrooms to do my business.
15:49
SPEAKER_08: But it's a new bathroom to me.
15:50
SPEAKER_08: So I turned on what I thought was the fan.
15:53
SPEAKER_08: Turns out it was the heater.
15:57
SPEAKER_08: That's not what you want.
16:05
SPEAKER_08: That takes a normal number two smell and turns it into a Woodstock 99 porta potty.
16:14
SPEAKER_08: Immediately.
16:20
SPEAKER_08: And I finish up and I walk out and I close the door behind me, which is the universal sign for give it a sec.
16:35
SPEAKER_08: No one needs to go in here for the next two to 49 hours.
16:40
SPEAKER_08: Change your plans, change your route.
16:44
SPEAKER_08: Chad completely ignores this major sign that I'm throwing up at him.
16:48
SPEAKER_08: He just blows right by me and walks in there to get a Kleenex.
17:04
SPEAKER_08: And he came out and I was like, I am so sorry.
17:13
SPEAKER_08: Could you smell things?
17:21
SPEAKER_08: And he goes, I couldn't smell anything.
17:23
SPEAKER_08: You're fine.
17:24
SPEAKER_08: And I was like, Oh, thank God.
17:28
SPEAKER_08: You might want to take a COVID test.
17:41
SPEAKER_08: Actually, don't waste a test.
17:42
SPEAKER_08: You have COVID.
17:45
SPEAKER_08: My asshole was the test, and you failed.
17:48
SPEAKER_08: I do love my dad.
17:49
SPEAKER_08: I think he gave me a very specific amount of daddy issues.
17:52
SPEAKER_08: Like, I have enough to have become a comedian, but not enough to have an OnlyFans.
18:00
SPEAKER_08: My dad's just a little too supportive for me to have one of those.
18:04
SPEAKER_08: If I try to post my boobs online behind a paywall and posted some link that was like, for my biggest fans only, my dad would read that and go, I'm obviously my daughter's biggest fan.
18:15
SPEAKER_09: Oh God, no.
18:17
SPEAKER_09: No.
18:24
SPEAKER_08: I don't know of that many people personally who are on OnlyFans or in the porn space.
18:29
SPEAKER_08: I do know of Adriana Chechik.
18:32
SPEAKER_08: I follow her on Twitter because she tweets the most outrageous things and they make me laugh so hard.
18:37
SPEAKER_08: She tweeted the other day and said, on my way to the dentist, he has no idea how many different people's DNA he's about to clean out of my teeth.
18:56
SPEAKER_08: And I say some dirty things up here.
18:58
SPEAKER_08: But I read that and was like, my heavens! Adriana! I mean, God forbid something ever happens to her.
19:09
SPEAKER_08: There are gonna be so many suspects.
19:13
SPEAKER_08: That is a crime scene have a mouth.
19:16
SPEAKER_08: Detectives are gonna be like, was she killed by a village?
19:20
SPEAKER_08: What happened here?
19:21
SPEAKER_08: It's just not wise.
19:23
SPEAKER_08: But I am fascinated by her as a person.
19:26
SPEAKER_08: I listened to her on a podcast where she said that on a different trip to the dentist, she had the dentist file down her back molders so that she could make room for bigger things.
19:38
SPEAKER_08: Yeah, really took the bumpers off the bowling lane.
19:48
SPEAKER_08: And I heard that and was like, what a commitment to the craft! I mean, I'm not even willing to wear heels up here for you folks.
20:00
SPEAKER_08: She's out there changing her dental records.
20:02
SPEAKER_08: Good Christ, what a go-getter.
20:07
SPEAKER_08: I told that joke in Grand Rapids a few months ago, where nothing good ever happens.
20:14
SPEAKER_08: And um, there was a dentist in the crowd and she was blackout drunk.
20:19
SPEAKER_08: And she starts shouting, she goes, We can tell!
20:23
SPEAKER_07: We can tell when somebody's in porn.
20:27
SPEAKER_08: And I was like, Well, none of us are gonna be able to move on with our lives until you tell us.
20:35
SPEAKER_08: Okay, you have hijacked the show.
20:39
SPEAKER_08: And she goes, They have suction on the roof of their mouth.
20:44
SPEAKER_08: I was like, like the ghost of a blowjob.
20:49
SPEAKER_08: What are you talking about?
20:50
SPEAKER_08: That is so not how I thought you would be able to tell, right?
20:54
SPEAKER_08: I thought she was gonna say that when they put the little vacuum hose in there, that the person's like, they're like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
21:07
SPEAKER_05: Quit that.
21:10
SPEAKER_05: The bottle spun across the table slower and slower until it finally stopped, pointing straight at Nate.
21:16
SPEAKER_06: I've wanted to ask you this forever.
21:18
SPEAKER_06: Do you like Billy?
21:19
SPEAKER_04: Nate rolled Monday morning, I was barely alive brushing my teeth.
21:23
SPEAKER_04: When my heel landed on a slippery bar of soap.
21:30
SPEAKER_08: But here's the thing.
21:31
SPEAKER_08: When my mom was in the hospital, she ended up getting diagnosed with dementia, which has, of course, been the most heartbreaking thing to go through.
21:38
SPEAKER_08: But she is so smart and so funny.
21:40
SPEAKER_08: Two all about your work, not here.
21:43
SPEAKER_08: Goblin?
21:49
SPEAKER_08: I know that I have to have some daddy issues because my boyfriend's name is Chad.
21:57
SPEAKER_08: Sounds of disapproval.
22:00
SPEAKER_08: Yeah.
22:00
SPEAKER_08: You don't date a Chad unless you come from deep white trash.
22:05
SPEAKER_08: And I think it's very ironic as a comedian that I'm dating a Chad because comics, we've made fun of dudes with that name our entire careers.
22:12
SPEAKER_08: Like, a comedian dating a Chad is like a store manager dating a Karen.
22:19
SPEAKER_08: It makes no sense.
22:22
SPEAKER_08: And I've had a lot of first with him in our relationship.
22:24
SPEAKER_08: I mentioned on my special, The Hustler, that he's the first guy I've ever been with who has had a vasectomy.
22:29
SPEAKER_08: So I had no idea what to expect the first time he finished.
22:34
SPEAKER_08: I was like, is it gonna be dust?
22:43
SPEAKER_03: Like when you blow into a Nintendo cartridge, it's like my eyes.
22:53
SPEAKER_08: I had no idea what was gonna happen.
22:55
SPEAKER_08: So I decided to do some research in a lab called My Mouth.
22:59
SPEAKER_08: And you're welcome, we're all adults here.
23:04
SPEAKER_08: And I'm happy to report my findings that I believe it's essentially diet cum.
23:16
SPEAKER_08: If I may be so bold.
23:21
SPEAKER_08: And I have been pretty shocked now at how many people come up to me after shows and go, you gotta make merch that says diet cum.
23:36
SPEAKER_07: And I'm like, who would wear that?
23:43
SPEAKER_08: Make some noise if you think he would genuinely wear a diet cum shirt.
23:47
SPEAKER_08: Oh my god, liar, liar.
23:51
SPEAKER_08: You work from home.
23:56
SPEAKER_08: No HR in your life.
24:00
SPEAKER_08: No way.
24:03
SPEAKER_08: And Chad has a 19-year-old daughter, and I wanted her to like me so badly, but I posted that vasectomy joke on Instagram.
24:11
SPEAKER_08: Yeah.
24:12
SPEAKER_08: Stepmom of the ear.
24:17
SPEAKER_08: And I forgot that she followed me on there.
24:20
SPEAKER_08: So later that night she texted Chad and said, Hey, not trying to start any shit.
24:32
SPEAKER_08: But just thought you should know, I definitely unfollowed your girlfriend today.
24:38
SPEAKER_08: And I thought, well, it's probably a good idea because I bet I'm gonna post the joke that I'm currently telling you guys, and I don't think she's gonna like this one either.
24:49
SPEAKER_08: By the way, I don't blame her at all for unfollowing me.
24:52
SPEAKER_08: I totally get it.
24:53
SPEAKER_08: I was just bummed because I was hoping that Instagram was gonna be how I could connect with this teenage girl, you know?
24:58
SPEAKER_08: Like before I met her, my friends were like, oh, don't be nervous.
25:01
SPEAKER_08: She's gonna love you.
25:01
SPEAKER_08: She's gonna think it's so cool that your videos get a bunch of views.
25:05
SPEAKER_08: And I was like, oh, you mean the one about me blowing her dad?
25:20
SPEAKER_08: I don't exactly think she's walking into her college cafeteria like, you guys, it's my dad she blows.
25:29
SPEAKER_08: You guys.
25:34
SPEAKER_08: It's like my daddy issues are now giving other girls daddy issues.
25:38
SPEAKER_08: It's like a Russian nesting doll of fuckery.
25:43
SPEAKER_08: Break the cycle.
25:45
SPEAKER_08: I feel like I should know more about things like vasectomies because I don't know if you guys had this in high school where you could get voted, you know, best dressed or most athletic, but I had that in middle school.
25:55
SPEAKER_08: And when I was in seventh grade, I got voted most likely to become a sex ed teacher.
26:03
SPEAKER_07: And I look back and I'm like, what was I saying to my peers?
26:10
SPEAKER_08: At age 12, that made them collectively go, she knows where the taint is.
26:20
SPEAKER_08: I should not have won that award.
26:22
SPEAKER_08: I knew nothing.
26:23
SPEAKER_08: I was such a late bloomer in every way.
26:25
SPEAKER_08: I didn't start my period until the last week of eighth grade, which coincided with my school's graduation trip to the lake.
26:35
SPEAKER_08: Yeah, buckle up.
26:39
SPEAKER_08: And the first time you get a period, they always tell girls, oh, don't use a tampon, wear a pad.
26:44
SPEAKER_08: So all my friends are in their cute little bikinis in front of the boys for the first time.
26:48
SPEAKER_08: I am wearing a t-shirt and giant men's and one basketball shorts.
26:57
SPEAKER_08: Trying to hide the outline of this massive pad, which went from belly button to middle of my back.
27:08
SPEAKER_08: It was like wearing a horse saddle.
27:12
SPEAKER_08: Casually at the beach.
27:16
SPEAKER_07: And then everybody jumped in the lake, and nobody told me that you can't get in with a pad on.
27:27
SPEAKER_08: So I jumped in too, and that thing started dragging me to the bottom of the lake.
27:32
SPEAKER_08: I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
27:40
SPEAKER_01: My parents are not from Kentucky, and so I don't think they understood what it meant to raise kids there as Jews.
27:46
SPEAKER_01: Because when I was in high school, my parents sat me down and they said, Hey, we know you're gonna start dating soon, and we just wanna let you know that whoever you're into, whether you're into boys or girls or anyone in between, it doesn't matter to us.
28:02
SPEAKER_01: As long as they're Jewish.
28:08
SPEAKER_01: In Kentucky, they said that to me.
28:11
SPEAKER_01: As long as they're Jewish, in Kentucky, that leaves exactly two people.
28:15
SPEAKER_01: It's my dad or my brother.
28:16
SPEAKER_01: Those are the choices.
28:20
SPEAKER_01: Which in Kentucky is fine, but uh they're not my type.
28:29
SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
28:30
SPEAKER_01: They're my blood type, but they're my type type.
28:34
SPEAKER_01: I was uh I was I was like the only Jew of my friend group, and I I think this goes for anybody who grows up the only one of anything in any group, is you get people saying weird things to you, and then you just gotta absorb it.
28:50
SPEAKER_01: I when I was in school, I wore a Jewish star necklace, a little star of David, and I remember one day this girl in my class saw it, and she said, Does that mean that you're Jewish?
29:02
SPEAKER_01: And I said, Yes.
29:04
SPEAKER_01: And then she said, A real live Jew.
29:16
SPEAKER_01: I was just like, yeah, babe, he didn't get all of us.
29:29
SPEAKER_01: But I couldn't even be mad at her because I was truly the first Jewish person she had ever seen.
29:37
SPEAKER_01: That's why she said that.
29:38
SPEAKER_01: She could not believe it.
29:40
SPEAKER_01: It wasn't said with hate or malice, so I couldn't be mad.
29:43
SPEAKER_01: She said it with awe.
29:45
SPEAKER_01: Like she had just gotten so lucky that I she said it as if she was like, okay, yeah, I guess I only have two wishes left.
29:58
SPEAKER_01: Can't be mad at that person.
30:00
SPEAKER_01: The person I got mad at was, you know, every now and then one of my friends would tell me, they would, they were like, you shouldn't be Jewish.
30:07
SPEAKER_01: Like that means you're going to hell.
30:09
SPEAKER_01: You should be Christian.
30:10
SPEAKER_01: And I tried to play along.
30:11
SPEAKER_01: I wanted to be accepted.
30:12
SPEAKER_01: So I said, okay, what do I have to do to be Christian?
30:14
SPEAKER_01: And they were like, okay, whenever you're about to do something, just ask yourself, like, what would Jesus do?
30:20
SPEAKER_01: And I was like, he'd be Jewish.
30:26
SPEAKER_01: But like I know where they were coming from.
30:28
SPEAKER_01: They were coming from a place of love, right?
30:29
SPEAKER_01: They really thought I was going to hell.
30:31
SPEAKER_01: They wanted to save me.
30:32
SPEAKER_01: I get the first time I ever heard that, the first time somebody ever told me I was going to hell, it was wild.
30:37
SPEAKER_01: I was in, I was in middle school and my friend came up to me and she said, Earl.
30:52
SPEAKER_01: Do you guys remember from before?
30:58
SPEAKER_01: She said, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but we learned in Sunday school that because you're a Jewish, it means you're going to hell.
31:11
SPEAKER_01: And I was like, oh wow.
31:14
SPEAKER_01: You think about me on the weekends?
31:17
SPEAKER_01: That's awesome.
31:19
SPEAKER_01: That's cool.
31:21
SPEAKER_01: You guys are cool, thank God.
31:25
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, no, I've done some terrible shows.
31:27
SPEAKER_01: This isn't one of them.
31:29
SPEAKER_01: Some really terrible shows.
31:30
SPEAKER_01: I'll tell you the worst show I ever did, uh, I did a show in New Jersey, which don't.
31:41
SPEAKER_01: And uh at the show, I it wasn't going great, and then this woman started heckling me, and she and I got into a big back and forth.
31:50
SPEAKER_01: And then uh as she and her husband were getting kicked out, her husband threw a full can of beer at me that it it whizzed right by me, landed right next to me, and then I I don't know, I picked up the beer and I chugged the rest of it.
32:15
SPEAKER_01: I posted a video of that, and that video went pretty viral.
32:20
SPEAKER_01: Uh pretty viol.
32:22
SPEAKER_01: It changed my life, honestly.
32:23
SPEAKER_01: Like it went, like actually I fly Delta now, like that's how much it changed my life.
32:31
SPEAKER_01: I got there by fate I got so many reactions to that.
32:35
SPEAKER_01: My favorite was people when people asked, they were like, how did you think to just pick up the beer and drink it?
32:40
SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Oh, I have a drinking problem.
32:47
SPEAKER_01: I saw a free drink and I took it.
32:51
SPEAKER_01: I went to college in New Orleans.
32:58
SPEAKER_01: Okay, this woman, she was heckling me because she figured out from one of my jokes that I voted for Joe Biden.
33:07
SPEAKER_01: And I, look, I we're not gonna get too into politics because I don't think that's what we're here for, but I do want to say that it genuinely sucks to have taken a beer can for Joe Biden.
33:30
SPEAKER_01: You get that, right?
33:31
SPEAKER_01: Because he's not a cool person, right?
33:35
SPEAKER_01: Like Beyoncé is who I would gladly dive in front of a beer can for.
33:39
SPEAKER_01: Beyonce, I would take an insurrection for Beyonce at this point.
33:44
SPEAKER_01: Not Joe Biden.
33:46
SPEAKER_01: Joe Biden is the Jason Darulo of politics.
33:52
SPEAKER_01: Because nobody's like, yeah, it's my number one guy.
33:54
SPEAKER_01: But if it's on, it's fine.
33:57
SPEAKER_01: Not Joe Biden.
34:00
SPEAKER_01: To her credit, she was right.
34:03
SPEAKER_01: I did vote for him.
34:05
SPEAKER_01: I voted for him because I loved that he was tired.
34:11
SPEAKER_01: Obsessed with that.
34:12
SPEAKER_01: I think that's a great quality for the president of the.
34:16
SPEAKER_01: I think every world leader should be 90 and exhausted.
34:22
SPEAKER_01: I want them to be too tired to put us in danger.
34:26
SPEAKER_01: That's what I'm looking for in my leaders.
34:30
SPEAKER_01: Because think about it, there's so much stuff that happens that we as civilians will never find out about.
34:36
SPEAKER_01: So I truly believe it's possible that there was a night where Joe Biden was gonna press the nuclear button, but then it got late.
34:51
SPEAKER_01: And we all get another day, you know?
34:56
SPEAKER_01: Like I do not agree with every decision Joe Biden has made.
35:00
SPEAKER_01: I disagree with a lot of his decisions, but I take comfort in knowing that for every decision he made, he slept on it.
35:16
SPEAKER_01: So this beer can video, it it happened a while ago.
35:20
SPEAKER_01: Like it's it's been it's been a minute.
35:22
SPEAKER_01: And there is part of me that feels like I should be over it by now, like that I shouldn't still be talking about it.
35:29
SPEAKER_01: But the truth is, I think about that night all the time.
35:32
SPEAKER_01: I do.
35:33
SPEAKER_01: I think about it so much because those two people who did that, they're terrible people, but they're a great couple.
35:41
SPEAKER_01: And I I can't stop thinking about the true love I saw that night.
35:51
SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I lie in bed at night replaying that event, and I just keep thinking about how she started the fight, and then her husband finished the fight.
36:06
SPEAKER_01: And then I roll over in bed and see my husband, and I'm like, oh, I don't think he would do that for me.
36:15
SPEAKER_01: Like they're terrible people, but I want what they have.
36:20
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
36:23
SPEAKER_01: You don't see that very often, right?
36:25
SPEAKER_01: Like a couple who finishes each other's sentences in prison.
36:34
SPEAKER_01: What if I dedicated the special to them?
36:43
SPEAKER_00: Trying to explain therapy to Latino parents.
36:48
SPEAKER_00: Look at that, look at that.
36:50
SPEAKER_00: Look at that.
36:51
SPEAKER_00: That hit you right in the trauma, right there.
36:55
SPEAKER_00: Man, I was like, I cannot sanasana away depression.
37:02
SPEAKER_00: Not how that works.
37:06
SPEAKER_00: If you don't know what sanasana is, allow me to explain.
37:13
SPEAKER_00: For those that don't know, Latinos have this thing that we say when like little kids get hurt.
37:20
SPEAKER_00: It's a little rhyme, make them feel better, you know what I mean?
37:28
SPEAKER_00: You're all healed.
37:36
SPEAKER_00: One time my husband was like, Can you translate that?
37:38
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, nah.
37:45
SPEAKER_00: Nah, man.
37:47
SPEAKER_00: Anything you translate from another language into English always loses something.
37:52
SPEAKER_00: Because the other languages are often so poetic, especially Spanish, such a poetic language.
37:57
SPEAKER_00: And if you translate it, it just loses all validity.
38:05
SPEAKER_00: Butt of a frog.
38:09
SPEAKER_00: If you don't heal today, you'll heal tomorrow.
38:15
SPEAKER_00: It's just passive aggressive witchcraft.
38:18
SPEAKER_00: That's all it is.
38:19
SPEAKER_00: All it is.
38:25
SPEAKER_00: You have to say it in Spanish, or your children will have nightmares.
38:29
SPEAKER_00: Like you can't.
38:41
SPEAKER_00: Right?
38:41
SPEAKER_00: Like now you can choose your parenting style, like you used to choose a Mortal Kombat fighter.
38:49
SPEAKER_00: Our parents only had one style, it was survival.
38:52
SPEAKER_00: That was it.
38:52
SPEAKER_00: They just had to make it through.
38:54
SPEAKER_00: But we chose conscious parenting, me and my husband, conscious parenting, which is uh annoying.
39:00
SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna lie to you, it's annoying because it's not permissive.
39:03
SPEAKER_00: It's literally realizing every way in which you affect a tiny human life.
39:09
SPEAKER_00: And you have to be so aware of everything, and it's so hard because you want you want to fight them.
39:14
SPEAKER_00: You want, you know you shouldn't, you know it's not their fault, but you find yourself getting frustrated at the craziest things.
39:23
SPEAKER_00: Because I would just be like, Why can't you use a spoon?
39:31
SPEAKER_00: Give my son a spoon, he's like, No, you crackhead.
39:43
SPEAKER_00: There's yogurt everywhere now.
39:48
SPEAKER_00: And the stakes just get higher and higher as you go along.
39:52
SPEAKER_00: What you have to teach them, what you have to be patient with, because now we're at potty training.
40:00
SPEAKER_00: Literally, there was one time my son made full-on eye contact with me as he pooped on my living room floor.
40:10
SPEAKER_00: And as a conscious parent, I was like, Way to listen to your body, little man.
40:26
SPEAKER_00: What am I gonna do?
40:28
SPEAKER_00: What am I gonna do?
40:29
SPEAKER_00: He's a kid, he doesn't know any better.
40:30
SPEAKER_00: What am I gonna roll up a newspaper, bang him on the head with it, push his face in it?
40:34
SPEAKER_00: No, bad baby! I would call the cops on myself if I did that.
40:40
SPEAKER_00: I'm like, you gotta come get me.
40:41
SPEAKER_00: I finally broke.
40:44
SPEAKER_00: But here's the amazing thing about conscious parenting that they don't tell you you learn as you do it.
40:50
SPEAKER_00: The more you consciously parent your kid, the more it heals all of your crap.
40:56
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it really does.
40:58
SPEAKER_00: Because you end up parenting the way you wish you had been parented.
41:06
SPEAKER_00: I found this out in the moment with my son because we were we do affirmations every morning.
41:11
SPEAKER_00: I know it's adorable.
41:14
SPEAKER_00: Don't get it twisted, it's Snoop Dogg affirmations.
41:18
SPEAKER_00: I want to thank me.
41:19
SPEAKER_00: No, I um it's a great affirmation.
41:23
SPEAKER_00: No, Snoop Dogg has a kid show.
41:25
SPEAKER_00: If you don't know, it's amazing.
41:26
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, right?
41:26
SPEAKER_00: Doggy land.
41:27
SPEAKER_00: If you don't know about it, watch it.
41:28
SPEAKER_00: He plays a character named Bow Whizzle.
41:30
SPEAKER_00: You're welcome.
41:32
SPEAKER_00: The songs all slap, you're welcome.
41:34
SPEAKER_00: So we were doing our Snoop Dogg affirmations, and my son has that cute little toddler voice, you know what I mean?
41:39
SPEAKER_00: Like that, like I was like, say I am strong, and he's like, I am strong.
41:43
SPEAKER_00: Like, say I am brave.
41:44
SPEAKER_02: He's like, I am boy.
41:46
SPEAKER_00: And then I felt it, like all the stuff I didn't get.
41:49
SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
41:49
SPEAKER_00: In that moment, I felt that, and like before I knew it, I was like, say I am loved.
42:03
SPEAKER_00: I gotta call your grandma.
42:13
SPEAKER_00: I don't even see that coming, man.
42:16
SPEAKER_00: And it's so crazy now I'm being a boy mom.
42:20
SPEAKER_00: Because uh the microscope is on us, man.
42:22
SPEAKER_00: We are underneath such a microscope, everything we do.
42:26
SPEAKER_00: And I'm I'm fine with it because I think if we change the game, we could really change how things work out in the world.
42:31
SPEAKER_00: I really do.
42:31
SPEAKER_00: I don't mind it, you know what I mean?
42:33
SPEAKER_00: And my girlfriends were on it right away.
42:34
SPEAKER_00: The second they found out that I was having a little boy, they were like, it's all up to you.
42:41
SPEAKER_00: You gotta fight the patriarchy.
42:44
SPEAKER_00: And I was like, can I teach him the alphabet first?
42:48
SPEAKER_00: I can't.
42:49
SPEAKER_00: I just gotta be real intentional with it.
42:51
SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
42:51
SPEAKER_00: Like, A is for accountability, B is for bodily autonomy, and C is for consent.
42:57
SPEAKER_00: Repeat it to mommy.
43:06
SPEAKER_00: You have to be aware of these things, you know what I mean?
43:09
SPEAKER_00: And I think the thing that's hard now is that there's so many opinions on parenting now, and you don't know where to go.
43:15
SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
43:16
SPEAKER_00: And as a parent, it can be hard to take the opinion of somebody who like doesn't have kids, for instance.
43:22
SPEAKER_00: I found myself getting frustrated at people that would give parenting advice that don't have kids.
43:26
SPEAKER_00: And I I felt the way that a lot of parents do.
43:28
SPEAKER_00: Like, if you're not living this life, how do you know what to tell me to do?
43:32
SPEAKER_00: Until I realized the reason why I should listen to these people is that they may not have kids, but they are coming from a perspective of a person who experienced a certain type of parenting.
43:46
SPEAKER_00: And I really had to think, what would my son say about my parenting?
43:50
SPEAKER_00: And what would I want him to say about my parenting?
43:53
SPEAKER_00: Not all of it, some people are dumb.
43:57
SPEAKER_00: Don't listen to everyone.
44:00
SPEAKER_00: Because I did have a I did have a girlfriend that was like, you better raise him right.
44:03
SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, what did you think the plan was?
44:09
SPEAKER_00: Don't you think?
44:11
SPEAKER_00: Think I got pregnant and I was like, I will raise him evil.
44:19
SPEAKER_00: Go forth and destroy my child.
44:24
SPEAKER_00: Of course, I want to raise a good human being.
44:27
SPEAKER_00: But I also don't like being told what to do.
44:32
SPEAKER_00: So the second she said that, there was a part of me that wanted to be like, nope.
44:37
SPEAKER_00: I was gonna, but then you had said what you said.
44:41
SPEAKER_00: Now I gotta make sure he has a misogynistic podcast by the age of seven.
44:47
SPEAKER_00: Just sitting there with some big old headphones, like, as a, as a alpha male.
44:55
SPEAKER_00: And I'm behind him with my problematic boy mom self, like, that's right, baby, these hoes ain't loyal.
45:05
SPEAKER_00: It's just me and you forever.
45:15
SPEAKER_00: I can never be that mom.
45:18
SPEAKER_00: I can never be that mom.
45:19
SPEAKER_00: There's a lot of things that I like I saw people doing that I I knew I wasn't gonna do as a mom.
45:23
SPEAKER_00: Like the one thing I don't do is boys will be boys.
45:26
SPEAKER_00: I don't do that with my son.
45:27
SPEAKER_00: It's too permissive.
45:28
SPEAKER_00: There's no equivalent for little girls.
45:29
SPEAKER_00: So I don't allow it.
45:30
SPEAKER_00: And you know, the parents that I've seen do it, it gets out of hand real quick.
45:34
SPEAKER_00: You just know it's gonna snowball to bigger things, like boys will be boys.
45:38
SPEAKER_00: He stabbed the babysitter.
45:43
SPEAKER_00: He's a boy.
45:45
SPEAKER_00: He's learning to express.
45:46
SPEAKER_00: I'm the um