Latest / The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom / 208. When Your Empty Nest Marriage Feels Like Roommates: 6 Ways to Reconnect

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208. When Your Empty Nest Marriage Feels Like Roommates: 6 Ways to Reconnect · The Midlife Momma Podcast - Empty nest mom, Parenting adult children, Midlife transition, Christian mom

• 0:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Christian parenting.
• 0:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Hey mama, I'm Pamela Hinklman, and you're listening to the Midlife Mama Podcast.
• 0:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: The show for Christian moms who want to let go with grace and actually enjoy their empty nest.
• 0:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm a certified emptiness coach, speaker, and mom of five grown kids.
• 0:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: I know the challenges the season brings from letting go to setting healthy boundaries, to rediscovering your purpose, and reconnecting with your husband.
• 0:34
  [SPEAKER_00]: Each week I'll be your guide.
• 0:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: offering heartfelt conversations, faith-filled encouragement and practical strategies to help you thrive in this next chapter.
• 0:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: My husband and I are loving the emptiness years and I have strong growing relationships with my adult kids and I want the same for you.
• 0:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Don't miss the end of each episode.
• 0:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'll share a quick coaching tip you can apply right away to improve your relationship with your kids or your spouse.
• 1:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: One favor before we dive in.
• 1:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you find this episode helpful, would you leave a rating and review?
• 1:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: It helps other moms discover the show.
• 1:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: There's a link in the show notes with instructions.
• 1:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Make sure you're following the podcast so you don't miss a single episode.
• 1:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now, let's get started.
• 1:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Welcome back to the Midlife Mama podcast, the place for faith, friendship, and real talk for emptiness moms.
• 1:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Have you ever looked at your marriage in the emptiness and quietly thought, how did we get here?
• 1:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're still sharing the home, still sharing responsibilities, still showing up, and yet something feels missing.
• 1:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Distance has slowly crept in.
• 1:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: In today's episode, we're talking honestly about the roommate phase in the emptiness marriage.
• 1:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Why it happens and how to move past it.
• 1:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm sharing six practical grace field steps to help you reconnect emotionally spiritually and physically with your husband.
• 1:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: If your heart is longing for more closeness, more warmth and more us again, stay with me.
• 2:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's take these steps together.
• 2:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's dive in.
• 2:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's not uncommon for couples in the emptiness to feel more like roommates than lovers.
• 2:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: This kind of disconnection doesn't happen all at once.
• 2:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's a slow drift that many couples don't notice until the distance feels heavy.
• 2:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Conversations shrink to logistics.
• 2:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Schedules, meals, household tasks.
• 2:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Surface level communication feels easier than sharing what's really going on inside.
• 2:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Husbands often focus on work projects or providing for their wives.
• 2:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Life stay busy too, investing in friendships, hobbies, church commitments, and continuing to carry concerns for the adult kids.
• 2:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Life stays full, get emotional connection fades.
• 2:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: Physical intimacy is often one of the first casualties.
• 2:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sex takes a back seat as emotional closeness disappears, the ache deepens.
• 2:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: Loneliness and resentment settle in.
• 2:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: Couples begin to wonder how they ended up here, married yet feeling alone.
• 3:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Living together as roommates, unsure how to find their way back to one another.
• 3:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Scripture reminds us, let us not love with words or speech, but with actions and
• 3:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: love requires presence and intention, especially in seasons of transition, like the empty nest.
• 3:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: If your empty nest, marriage feels stuck in the roommate phase, there is hope.
• 3:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: Connection can be rebuilt with humility and God's help.
• 3:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's look at six practical steps to move from a roommate to deeply connected lovers again.
• 3:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: The first step is to acknowledge chronic disconnection, nothing changes until it's named, and if your emptiness marriage feels distant, the most loving thing you can do,
• 3:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: is to be honest about it.
• 3:51
  [SPEAKER_00]: Busy doesn't mean connected, sharing a home, a calendar, and that to do list is not equal togetherness.
• 3:57
  [SPEAKER_00]: In fact, surface level conversation often widens the gap instead of closing it.
• 4:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: Egnolaging chronic disconnection isn't about assigning blame,
• 4:07
  [SPEAKER_00]: or replaying old grievances, it's about courageously observing what's true.
• 4:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: We've drifted, we don't talk the way we used to, we feel more alone than united.
• 4:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: When we denied the distance, it quietly grows, when we name it, healing can begin.
• 4:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: Scripture reminds us, search me of God and know my heart, test me, and know my anxious thoughts, Psalms 139-23.
• 4:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: God invites us to bring truth into the light, personally, and relationally, because he cannot heal what we refuse to acknowledge.
• 4:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Don't ignore the state of your marriage one moment longer.
• 4:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: Take the brave step, name the disconnection with honesty and humility,
• 4:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: and take intentional steps towards change.
• 4:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: The second thing you can do is communicate openly.
• 5:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Instead of focusing on tasks and logistics, take the brave step to open up about what's going on within you.
• 5:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let your husband know your thoughts.
• 5:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: He's not a mind reader.
• 5:13
  [SPEAKER_00]: He cannot possibly know how you feel or what you need unless you tell him.
• 5:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Start asking open-ended questions to encourage communication to flow back and forth.
• 5:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Instead of saying that you have a good day at work, ask, what was the best thing about your day?
• 5:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: This causes your husband to reflect and open up, and then you can reciprocate and tell him the best part of your day.
• 5:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Strong marriages know the dance of healthy communication with each taking turns, sharing honestly, create a safe space for both of you to share.
• 5:45
  [SPEAKER_00]: A few years ago, my husband started asking me, how's your heart?
• 5:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: And it gave me a chance to truly open up to him.
• 5:55
  [SPEAKER_00]: It is the best question we ask in our empty nest marriage.
• 5:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Step number three, be fully present.
• 6:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: One of the biggest threats to connection in the empty nest marriage isn't conflict, it's distraction.
• 6:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Bones, unfinished to do less, mental overload and constant busyness can keep couples physically together, but emotionally miles apart.
• 6:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: You can be sitting right next to your spouse.
• 6:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: and still not truly be with them.
• 6:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: Crescence is a choice.
• 6:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: My husband and I are intentionally working on this by leaving our phones in another room when we're together.
• 6:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's a small habit, but it sends a powerful message.
• 6:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: You matter, you have my attention.
• 6:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: Scripture reminds us, be quick to listen and slow to speak, James 119.
• 6:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: Being present starts with listening, really listening, not while planning your response, we're thinking about what's next.
• 6:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Listen to understand.
• 6:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Begin with these simple practical habits.
• 6:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: Look at each other when you speak.
• 7:01
  [SPEAKER_00]: I contact Build's Connection, slow in the conversation down, and then always reflect back what you hear by saying, so what I hear you saying is, it's funny how often we miss our spouse completely, because we twist things in her head, but if you repeat it back, it gives your spouse a chance to feel truly heard.
• 7:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: This lets your spouse know that they are seen and valuable, practicing presence removes emotional barriers and replaces them with safety and closeness.
• 7:32
  [SPEAKER_00]: Over time, your spouse begins to feel less alone and more connected in the marriage.
• 7:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Life is busy, chaos happens before the coffee finishes brewing, and that's why our friends at Christian Parenting created Morning Minute, a concise, scripture-readed daily email for busy parents and grandparents.
• 7:49
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's a quick pause at the start of your day.
• 7:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Each weekday morning you'll get one verse to strengthen your spirit,
• 7:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: on parenting inside grounded in Christlike Wisdom, one short action item to guide your heart, and one resource to help you go deeper.
• 8:04
  [SPEAKER_00]: It takes just three minutes to read, but the encouragement lasts all day and it's free.
• 8:09
  [SPEAKER_00]: Don't miss out, subscribe now at morningminute.org to get this quick encouragement in your inbox every weekday.
• 8:16
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's morningminute.org or click the link in the show notes.
• 8:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Now,
• 8:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Let's get back to our conversation.
• 8:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: The fourth thing you can do to move out of the roommate phase is to prioritize physical intimacy.
• 8:28
  [SPEAKER_00]: If your emptiness marriage feels more like roommates than lovers, there's a good chance that physical intimacy has faded.
• 8:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when sex disappears, emotional closeness often follows.
• 8:41
  [SPEAKER_00]: God designed physical intimacy as a powerful bond between husband and wife.
• 8:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's meant to draw you together, not drift apart.
• 8:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Scripture tells us that the two shall become one flesh, Genesis 224.
• 8:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Sex isn't just physical, it's emotional, relational, and deeply unifying.
• 8:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's one of the primary ways married couples, experience, connection, and closeness.
• 9:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: So when intimacy is neglected, loneliness can quietly take its place.
• 9:11
  [SPEAKER_00]: Rekindling physical intimacy doesn't mean going backward, it means intentionally moving forward together.
• 9:18
  [SPEAKER_00]: Create space for closeness, be curious about one another, be creative, be playful, have fun.
• 9:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: Physical intimacy can be rediscovered at any age in your marriage, and it's never too late to nurture what God designed to be shared between you.
• 9:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: If sex has become difficult due to physical changes or hormonal shifts for you or your husband, don't ignore it.
• 9:43
  [SPEAKER_00]: Have honest conversations with one another and with your doctor, there are solutions and this part of your marriage is too important to neglect.
• 9:52
  [SPEAKER_00]: Prioritizing physical intimacy is not selfish.
• 9:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: It's faithful stewardship of the one this
• 10:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: The step is to show appreciation often, in long-term marriages, appreciation can quietly fade, not because gratitude is gone, but because it goes unspoken.
• 10:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: We assume our spouse knows that we're thankful for how they do, and that assumption is a subtle mistake, and over time it slowly erodes closeness.
• 10:23
  [SPEAKER_00]: Scripture reminds us, encourage one another and build each other up.
• 10:27
  [SPEAKER_00]: First, that's Alonians 511.
• 10:30
  [SPEAKER_00]: Words matter.
• 10:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: What we say or fail to say has the power to either strengthen or weaken the connection between us.
• 10:38
  [SPEAKER_00]: Instead of assuming appreciation is understood, begin expressing it intentionally.
• 10:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: The first thing you can do is say it out loud.
• 10:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: A simple, thank you for providing for our family or I appreciate how steady you are goes a long way.
• 10:53
  [SPEAKER_00]: Write it down, a short note on a counter or a texturing the day can soften a heart.
• 10:59
  [SPEAKER_00]: And then notice the small things, faithfulness, consistency, and presence, deserve to be named.
• 11:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: These small touch points of appreciation breed life back into your marriage.
• 11:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: They remind your spouse that they are seen and valued, not just for what they do, but for who they are.
• 11:17
  [SPEAKER_00]: Appreciation invites closeness and closeness fuels connection.
• 11:21
  [SPEAKER_00]: Step number six is to extend grace and pray together.
• 11:25
  [SPEAKER_00]: In the emptiness, it's so easy for a critical spirit to quietly take root.
• 11:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: When connection feels lacking, we begin to magnify the ways our spouse is meeting our needs.
• 11:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Frustration grows, expectations rise, and grace can slip out the door without us even noticing.
• 11:44
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, your husband has never walked this season before either.
• 11:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: He's adjusting to the emptiness just as you are, processing loss, change, and identity shifts in his own way.
• 11:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: Grace invites you to see him not as a problem, but as your partner.
• 12:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Scripture calls us to close yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.
• 12:08
  [SPEAKER_00]: Colossians 312.
• 12:10
  [SPEAKER_00]: Grace softens hearts.
• 12:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Criticism hardens them.
• 12:14
  [SPEAKER_00]: And when you replace judgment with gentleness, you create space for closeness to grow again.
• 12:20
  [SPEAKER_00]: Ask God to fill you to overflowing with love for your husband, praise specifically for patience and understanding, and don't forget to extend grace to yourself as you honestly examine your own role in the marriage.
• 12:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: Growth requires humility on both sides.
• 12:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Long-term intimacy doesn't happen by accident.
• 12:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: It happens when couples intentionally pray with God, pray about your marriage, invite your husband to pray with you even if it feels awkward at first.
• 12:48
  [SPEAKER_00]: Closeness is possible when you lead with grace, lean on God, and choose gentleness in love.
• 12:54
  [SPEAKER_00]: Here's your coaching tip of the week.
• 12:56
  [SPEAKER_00]: In each episode, I will give you one actual step to improve your life.
• 13:00
  [SPEAKER_00]: Remember, you can't change everything, but you can take one step to be better.
• 13:06
  [SPEAKER_00]: This week, I want you to focus on showing and sharing genuine appreciation for your husband.
• 13:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Use your words and actions and let him know how much you love him.
• 13:15
  [SPEAKER_00]: In any long-term marriage, it is easy to slip into complacency without realizing it.
• 13:22
  [SPEAKER_00]: Life settles, routines take over and before we know it, we're living parallel lives.
• 13:26
  [SPEAKER_00]: Instead of sharing a deeply connected one.
• 13:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: Drift doesn't mean failure.
• 13:31
  [SPEAKER_00]: It just means that attention is needed.
• 13:33
  [SPEAKER_00]: The invitation in the season is simple.
• 13:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Be intentional.
• 13:37
  [SPEAKER_00]: Make connection a priority again.
• 13:40
  [SPEAKER_00]: You're not meant to feel alone in a marriage that once felt full of love and companionship.
• 13:46
  [SPEAKER_00]: When you take small faithful steps toward one another, God meets you there.
• 13:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: Closed as can be rebuilt, intimacy can be renewed, and what feels distant today can grow tender and connected again.
• 13:58
  [SPEAKER_00]: Grace and peace mama, you've got this and God got you.
• 14:02
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thank you.
• 14:03
  [SPEAKER_00]: Thanks for spending time with me on the Midlife Mama podcast.
• 14:05
  [SPEAKER_00]: I hope you leave each episode feeling a little more encouraged, equipped, and seen, because that's what this space is all about.
• 14:12
  [SPEAKER_00]: Through the stories, insights, and conversations we share here, I'm coaching you through the ups and downs of the emptiness, helping you rediscover purpose, deepen faith, and enjoy this new season of life.
• 14:24
  [SPEAKER_00]: If you're ready for an even more personalized support, I'd love to invite you to book a free connection called.
• 14:29
  [SPEAKER_00]: The link is in the show notes, and we'll talk about how I can walk alongside you as your coach.
• 14:35
  [SPEAKER_00]: And let's stay connected.
• 14:36
  [SPEAKER_00]: Follow me on Instagram at P-Hankelman.
• 14:39
  [SPEAKER_00]: That's P-H-E-N-K-E-L-M-A-N, or come find me on Facebook at Pamela Hankelman, Empty Nest Coach.
• 14:47
  [SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to figure this all out on your own mama.
• 14:50
  [SPEAKER_00]: I'm here for you when you're ready.