Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1117 - Little Niggle or Big Drama?

Transcript

#1117 - Little Niggle or Big Drama? · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:04
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
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Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
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Speaker 2: once answers.
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Speaker 1: Now Today on the Happy Families Podcast, something that you
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Speaker 1: may not have heard about before. It's called the region
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Speaker 1: Beta paradox, the region Beata paradox. Kylie, do you like
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Speaker 1: it when I use those really big words. It's something
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Speaker 1: very useful. Have you heard of the region beata paradox?
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Speaker 2: Come on, this is not a doctor's desk. No, what
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Speaker 2: are you doing?
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Speaker 1: OK. Here's the very short version of what the region
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Speaker 1: Beata paradox is and why it applies to parenting. There
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Speaker 1: are these things in life that are mildly annoying that
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Speaker 1: we put up with them. A case in point, I've
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Speaker 1: got a headlight on my car that is flickering at
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Speaker 1: the moment, and it's annoying, but it seems like it's
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Speaker 1: going to be more annoying to have to go into
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Speaker 1: the shop and get it fixed up, because headlights on
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Speaker 1: cars are annoying and there's stuff, and so I'm just
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Speaker 1: dealing with the flickering headlight. But when I drive at night,
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Speaker 1: it looks like I'm flashing people in the cars and
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Speaker 1: promium like flashing with my headlights just want to clarify that.
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Speaker 1: And that can become embarrassing. And I've had a couple
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Speaker 1: of people give me to It looks like they think
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Speaker 1: that I'm telling that they're not driving well and it's
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Speaker 1: leading to problems. Here's another example. I saw knee, but
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Speaker 1: it's not bad enough to see the doctor.
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Speaker 2: What about the dripping drip drip outside my window?
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Speaker 1: Oh, the gutter that leaks, the gutter that leaks. Yeah, yeah,
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Speaker 1: the pile of stuff is it's amazing.
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Speaker 2: It's like the smallest sound.
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Speaker 1: I'll make you a deal, but you can hear. I'll
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Speaker 1: make a deal. You fix up the pile of pictures
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Speaker 1: and mess that you've got in the corner of my
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Speaker 1: office that's been driving me crazy for a couple of months,
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Speaker 1: and I'll do something about the gutter.
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Speaker 2: I can't believe you're saying that we've just painted the
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Speaker 2: walls and you don't want holes back in there.
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Speaker 1: So the region beata paradox is this over time, these
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Speaker 1: more mild discomforts, like.
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Speaker 2: The way you leave socks under the table.
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Speaker 1: All these mildly discomforts.
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Speaker 2: Try to put the toilet seat relationships. Hey, I I
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Speaker 2: will steal my pillow.
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Speaker 1: Can I just be really clear. I am very good
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Speaker 1: with the toilet seat, and have been for twenty seven years.
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Speaker 1: Sometimes I'm very very good with that six daughters, and
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Speaker 1: let's move on. These mild discomforts and these mild challenging
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Speaker 1: relationships can end up lasting much.
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Speaker 2: Long to say, our challenge our relationship.
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Speaker 1: No, no, no, no, we've got a podcast to do here.
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Speaker 1: This is getting a little bit challenging. I'm going to
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Speaker 1: start that again. What I said was the paradox the
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Speaker 1: region beata paradox is very very simple.
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Speaker 2: I have to lighten this up. It's not a doctor's desk.
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Speaker 1: You know, These mild this now, I can't even speak.
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Speaker 1: These mildly challenging things or these mildly challenging relationships and
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Speaker 1: people can end up becoming very very very challenging across
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Speaker 1: the long term and cause you more upset and more
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Speaker 1: damage than a situation or a person or an event
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Speaker 1: or a leagy gutta if you just go and deal
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Speaker 1: with it like but we think that it's you get
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Speaker 1: the really acutely upsetting stuff and you act on it.
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Speaker 2: Right. But it's a squeaky world. It's that concept, right.
3:01
Speaker 2: The squeaky will gets the most attention.
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Speaker 1: Well, I don't know, because the gutter is a squeaky will,
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Speaker 1: but it's not quite squeaky enough. No, that's the point.
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Speaker 1: It's not urgent exactly. So something that is quite acute
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Speaker 1: and upsetting you take action straight away and you resolve it,
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Speaker 1: and then the distress doesn't last. But the cumulative total
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Speaker 1: of the days and the weeks and the months and
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Speaker 1: the years of that drip drip drip, that makes it
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Speaker 1: all too much. And what I want to talk about
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Speaker 1: today is how this applies in parenting, how it applies
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Speaker 1: in relationships, how it applies for couples. Because I think
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Speaker 1: that the region beata paradox is one of the most
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Speaker 1: interesting psychological phenomen that nobody ever talks about. So that's
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Speaker 1: why it needs a bit of name. Well, we're three
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Speaker 1: and a half minutes in and I've only just finished
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Speaker 1: the description of what it is, which is not a
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Speaker 1: good indicator of where this podcast. Okay, okay, I'm blaming you.
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Speaker 1: I could have had that done in thirty seconds. You've
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Speaker 1: really made.
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Speaker 2: That up to Parents sometimes overlook those minor annoyance.
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Speaker 1: All the time because they think that it's insignificant compared
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Speaker 1: to a major problem. So our child's wingy, whiny thingy,
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Speaker 1: we just kind of go, all right, I'll deal with
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Speaker 1: it later because I'm tired and I've got other things
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Speaker 1: on my plate, and so we don't we don't deal
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Speaker 1: with it.
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Speaker 2: So I'm thinking of one of our daughters. She's always
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Speaker 2: had an anxious disposition, and I talked to you about
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Speaker 2: it and you said, no, no, it'll be fine.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, we're handling it. We're handling it.
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Speaker 2: But over time it's actually it has exacerbated, it has
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Speaker 2: gotten worse, and we've actually needed to seek medical attention.
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Speaker 1: So what he's saying, maybe if we'd addressed it earlier,
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Speaker 1: I feel like I'm about to have some fingers pointed
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Speaker 1: at me.
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Speaker 2: No, it's not a finger pointing thing, but it's an
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Speaker 2: acknowledgment that sometimes we look at these things and kind
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Speaker 2: of just brush it off. I don't know how many
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Speaker 2: times the parents kind of said to me, I thought
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Speaker 2: they just rolled over and hurt themselves in and two
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Speaker 2: days later take them to the doctor's got.
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Speaker 1: A broken arm.
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Speaker 2: And they've got a broken arm.
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: So it's really hard because there's a fine line, right,
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Speaker 2: you go the other way and you become almost like
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Speaker 2: a helicopter parent who jumps on every symptom and.
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Speaker 1: Drives every on crazy. That's including the kids. If you
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Speaker 1: speak about the issue with the anxiety with this particular daughter,
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Speaker 1: I think you're right. I mean, I've got a pH
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Speaker 1: d in psychology and I'm saying, yeah, there's definitely something
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Speaker 1: going on here, but we've got this, like, we've got
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Speaker 1: the skills, we've got the capacity to deal with this.
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Speaker 1: And yet when you dismiss that whining or the interrupting
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Speaker 1: or the anxiety or the nerves or whatever, it's just
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Speaker 1: a phase if you leave it unaddressed, as we discovered
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Speaker 1: with our child, even though we are pretty well equipped
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Speaker 1: to manage this stuff. I thought, these behaviors can become habitual,
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Speaker 1: and they can cause distress for the child. They can
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Speaker 1: cause dysfunction, they can strain relationships. You get a child who,
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Speaker 1: let's see, you got an ADHD kid constantly constantly interrupting.
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Speaker 1: And what happens is if we don't help them, and
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Speaker 1: if we don't work through things here and create an
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Speaker 1: environment that's going to be supportive and help them to
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Speaker 1: function effectively, maybe they struggle to listen attentively in school
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Speaker 1: or social situations and that exacerbates things for them.
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Speaker 2: Again, I think it's really important to understand that small
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Speaker 2: annoyances in our children can have a significant impact on
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Speaker 2: the dynamic within our family, yes, or the child's development
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Speaker 2: if left unaddressed.
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Speaker 1: And that's the main thing that I'm really highlighting, is
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Speaker 1: not you get this region beat paradox where you're saying, Okay,
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Speaker 1: it's annoying, Okay, I'll deal with it one day. If
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Speaker 1: it gets any worse, I'll go and see the doctor,
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Speaker 1: I'll go and see the psychologists, go and see the
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Speaker 1: school counselor. But that day never really arrives until kaboom,
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Speaker 1: and then it becomes really acute. But that might be
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Speaker 1: a couple of years down the road. And you've created
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Speaker 1: these patterns, You've created these systems, and potentially you have
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Speaker 1: inadvertently created, with the best of intentions, a whole lot
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Speaker 1: of dysfunction around the relationship or just in the child
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Speaker 1: because it hasn't passed that threshold of discomfort. It's been
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Speaker 1: mildly annoying but not uncomfortable enough to act on, but
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Speaker 1: it really needed to be acted on. It's like when
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Speaker 1: you hurt your knee and you'd rather limp on it
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Speaker 1: for two and a half years before you go and
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Speaker 1: see the surgeon. Right.
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Speaker 2: It's interesting because as we're talking about this, I'm actually
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Speaker 2: thinking about one of our daughters. When she was younger.
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Speaker 2: She actually said very few words for the first three years,
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Speaker 2: and then literally woke up on her third birthday having
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Speaker 2: only given us single word responses to everything for three
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Speaker 2: years and says, mum, can I have a drink of water?
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Speaker 2: And it blew us away. But from that moment on
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Speaker 2: she has not stopped talking. She's an adult now, she
7:23
Speaker 2: has not stopped talking at a rapid pace. But after
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Speaker 2: her her next sister came along and she was the same.
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Speaker 2: We hardly got any words out of her, and I
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Speaker 2: just thought, oh, okay, we're following a pattern. Everything will
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Speaker 2: be fine. She was a completely different child, and we
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Speaker 2: ended up spending significant time and years with her in
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Speaker 2: speech pathology.
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Speaker 1: Yeah. I think she was maybe six or seven before
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Speaker 1: she was speaking properly. It was a really big deal.
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Speaker 1: But we let that.
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Speaker 2: Go because the previous experience.
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Speaker 1: Well yeah, and because we thought she was kind of
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Speaker 1: making progress until we realized, hang on this, there is
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Speaker 1: a threshold here, and we probably need to lower our
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Speaker 1: threshold and get help earlier as a result. There's something
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Speaker 1: else to consider here as well, and that is the
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Speaker 1: constant barrage of minor stresses like whining, and like sibling
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Speaker 1: squabbles and the bedtime battles and the fussy eating. They
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Speaker 1: can also it's not just about the child's function and
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Speaker 1: how well they're doing. They can also impact our well
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Speaker 1: being and contribute to burnout. It's kind of for a parent,
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Speaker 1: it's like the Chinese water torture. It's like death by
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Speaker 1: a thousand cards. Every single one of these small stresses
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Speaker 1: just keeps on chipping away at our patients and our energy.
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Speaker 1: We become exhausted, we become irritable, we become sometimes resentful
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Speaker 1: towards our children. And that again, is this region beat
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Speaker 1: a paradox. We probably need to talk about solutions, but.
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Speaker 2: I just find it.
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Speaker 1: It's such a fascinating thing and I want to make
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Speaker 1: sure that we explain it properly well.
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Speaker 2: I think the biggest challenge is then when we feel
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Speaker 2: stressed as parents, our kids pick up on that and
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Speaker 2: adds to the stress and the cycle of negativity that
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Speaker 2: we're experiencing. And when we're stressed, we're not at our
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Speaker 2: best either. So we're reacting harshly to our kids, Like,
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Speaker 2: there's so many different dynamics that we look at.
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Speaker 1: When you're just saying this. The US Surgeon General Vic
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Speaker 1: Murphy a couple of months ago, he put out a
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Speaker 1: health advisory warning on parenting. He literally said, parenting can
9:22
Speaker 1: be bad for your mental health. Be careful, don't go
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Speaker 1: into this blindfolded as a really really serious thing.
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Speaker 2: Okay, so you've got a psychology PhD. How can parents
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Speaker 2: reframe their perspective on these small, minor annoyances because it's
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Speaker 2: the kids, it's work stuff, it's school stuff, it's financial stuff,
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Speaker 2: and all those bits and pieces hanging over their heads
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Speaker 2: all the time.
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Speaker 1: All right, let's move quickly because our time is running out,
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Speaker 1: and we spent a lot of time just talking about
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Speaker 1: this paradox. I'm going to give an example. Let's look
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Speaker 1: at kids that are being whining, because we've dealt with
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Speaker 1: that pretty consistently over the years. Most families will admit
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Speaker 1: that this comes up a lot, and the roadblocks whining
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Speaker 1: has been what's the word, quite durable lately, it's just
10:04
Speaker 1: kept on guessing. So instead of seeing whining as defiance
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Speaker 1: or as a kid who isn't listening and who isn't
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Speaker 1: getting it? We can view it as a way of
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Speaker 1: communicating an unmet need, and a couple of weeks ago
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Speaker 1: on old about it tomorrow you were so eloquent in
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Speaker 1: the way you did this. That need in our daughter's
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Speaker 1: case has very little to do with rogueblocks. It's about friends,
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Speaker 1: it's about social contact, and so this is an empathy opportunity.
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Speaker 1: It's just that we're so exhausted that we don't want
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Speaker 1: to be doing the empathy.
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Speaker 2: But that's it, isn't it. We're exhausted as parents. I
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Speaker 2: think across the board, everyone I speak to is in
10:39
Speaker 2: the same boat. Even people that previously I've spoken to
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Speaker 2: are completely content with their lives are really feeling the
10:48
Speaker 2: weight and pressure of life as we know it now.
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Speaker 2: It's really hard.
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Speaker 1: So let me go back to empathy. Okay, we've got
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Speaker 1: this behavior that is a bit annoying, and we just
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Speaker 1: let it go, let it go, let it go, let
10:59
Speaker 1: it go, or alternatively, we crack, which doesn't do anything
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Speaker 1: for anybody. I actually want to focus on self regulation here.
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Speaker 1: Self regulation is vital, it's about intention, but it's also
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Speaker 1: taxing to be self regulated. That's a really big challenge.
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Speaker 1: The definition of self regulation or emotional regulation is suppressing
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Speaker 1: or expressing your emotions appropriately for the context, in harmony
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Speaker 1: with the values or goals. Okay, so if you blow up,
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Speaker 1: you're expressing yourself, but not necessarily. You've got a short
11:26
Speaker 1: term goal. You want compliance, you want the kids to
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Speaker 1: just be quiet. But the long term goal is quite different,
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Speaker 1: and that is for our children to be able to
11:32
Speaker 1: thrive and to do well here. So we've got to
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Speaker 1: have honest, empathic, clear conversations with our children because that's
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Speaker 1: going to get us to the long term goal. It's
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Speaker 1: the explore, explain, empower conversations. And we can only do
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Speaker 1: that if we're well regulated, if we're emotionally balanced, and
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Speaker 1: I reckon, I reckon that. If we can do that
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Speaker 1: model it, we're also going to be much more effective
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Speaker 1: at teaching kids the calming techniques they need, like taking
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Speaker 1: a deep breath or taking a break. That sort of
12:01
Speaker 1: stuff will help as well. And then the region beata
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Speaker 1: paradox takes care of itself. Because people are better regulated,
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Speaker 1: people are functioning better, we don't seem to have the
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Speaker 1: same challenges.
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Speaker 2: So you're making this sound like it's very easy self
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Speaker 2: regulation when we've just acknowledged that we are feeling stressed, overwhelmed,
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Speaker 2: and exhausted. So we need to talk about self care
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Speaker 2: because parents can't be self regulated if they're not taking
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Speaker 2: care of their own emotional wellbeing.
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Speaker 1: Telling me ask you, I mean, I travel a lot.
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Speaker 1: I'm not here a lot. You're the one that's actually
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Speaker 1: in the heat of the furnace much more than I
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Speaker 1: am around this. What would you say about self care?
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Speaker 2: You have to be absolutely intentional, and I guess from
12:46
Speaker 2: the outside looking in, you could even say you have
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Speaker 2: to be selfish with some time. I wouldn't call it
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Speaker 2: selfishness because I think it's imperative. But it's so easy
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Speaker 2: as a mum, and I think mum struggle with it
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Speaker 2: more than dads, no doubt. But it is so hard
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Speaker 2: to say I actually need to go for a walk
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Speaker 2: for half an hour, because there is a to do
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Speaker 2: list that is bigger than you're going to get through
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Speaker 2: in any given day anyway, and so the idea that
13:14
Speaker 2: you would take a little bit of time out for
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Speaker 2: yourself feels like it's a cop out or it's a
13:19
Speaker 2: waste of time compared to everything else that needs to happen,
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Speaker 2: and I'm watching it more and more with friends and
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Speaker 2: family who say I don't have time to connect with
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Speaker 2: my friends. That is probably one of the biggest self
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Speaker 2: care things that we can do as.
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Speaker 1: Women love it.
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Speaker 2: We need each other, we need community, but we spend
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Speaker 2: so much time being overwhelmed with our to do list
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Speaker 2: that we scrap that because it's not imperative to the
13:48
Speaker 2: way our family functions. Okay, so i think we've got
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Speaker 2: it all wrong.
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Speaker 1: So I'm going to wrap this up fairly quickly. Now
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Speaker 1: there's one more thing that I want to talk about,
13:54
Speaker 1: but just on what you've highlighted with the whole self
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Speaker 1: care issue, you've tapped into something that's vital, and that
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Speaker 1: is the importance of quality relationships. Making sure that you
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Speaker 1: make time for other people. That's really at the heart
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Speaker 1: of it. And anything else that you choose to do
14:09
Speaker 1: has to be rejuvenating, which would mean in ninety nine
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Speaker 1: point nine percent of cases, it should not involve your screen,
14:15
Speaker 1: because your screen it depletes you, it de energizes you,
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Speaker 1: it takes you in exactly the opposite direction. And if
14:20
Speaker 1: you have a good half an hour sit on the
14:22
Speaker 1: couch staring at your screen, you very rarely, if ever,
14:26
Speaker 1: jump to your feet and say, well, I feel so
14:27
Speaker 1: much better now, I'm ready to go again. You kind
14:30
Speaker 1: of just sit there and feel increasingly depleted. It really
14:32
Speaker 1: does zapp your energy. So there are the two things
14:34
Speaker 1: that I'd say, build those connections, find ways to connect
14:37
Speaker 1: with other people, and stay off the screens. Now, like
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Speaker 1: I said, it's one more thing that I really want
14:42
Speaker 1: to touch on. We are out of time, so I
14:43
Speaker 1: have to go through it really fast. But I think
14:45
Speaker 1: that it matters a great deal. And that's how parents
14:46
Speaker 1: can differentiate between typical child behaviors and potential underlying issues
14:53
Speaker 1: that require intervention. Okay, this region beata paradox. We're looking
14:57
Speaker 1: at this stuff that's annoying, annoying, annoying, annoying. It's a
14:59
Speaker 1: niggle and niggle, but we don't do anything about it
15:01
Speaker 1: because and we've talked about it in terms of anxiety
15:04
Speaker 1: in our family and also ADHD in our family. We
15:05
Speaker 1: haven't touched on that, but in both instances there's been niggle, niggle, niggle,
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Speaker 1: nile niggle, and we've decided to put it off and
15:12
Speaker 1: put it off and put it off. In two cases. Now,
15:15
Speaker 1: with our kids, you have been the one that picked
15:18
Speaker 1: up on it. I've acknowledged it, I've seen that it's there,
15:21
Speaker 1: but I've had that it'll be right, we'll just deal
15:24
Speaker 1: with it. I've had that approach, whereas you've had a
15:27
Speaker 1: different approach. I've said it's below the threshold, we're handling it.
15:31
Speaker 1: You've stepped in and your mama spidy senses have kicked
15:35
Speaker 1: into the point where you've essentially convinced me to take
15:38
Speaker 1: it more seriously, and you've been right both times. So
15:41
Speaker 1: what I would say is this, as a parent, when
15:43
Speaker 1: you're dealing with these region be the issues and you're
15:46
Speaker 1: concerned that it might be something else. Consider the frequency,
15:49
Speaker 1: consider the intensity, consider the duration of the behaviors that
15:51
Speaker 1: are drip dripping, and if it's persistent, if it's causing
15:55
Speaker 1: significant distress, or if it's interfering with function and daily life,
15:59
Speaker 1: it is worth exploring it with a professional. You will
16:03
Speaker 1: get better guidance than doing what I did and saying
16:06
Speaker 1: it'll be right.
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Speaker 2: I think the other thing that's really important. One of
16:10
Speaker 2: our children has had a significant health challenge for many years.
16:16
Speaker 2: But I would go to the doctor regularly and tell
16:20
Speaker 2: them that this was not right. What was happening with
16:22
Speaker 2: her was not normal, and we would do all of
16:25
Speaker 2: the tests and they would all come back clear. And
16:28
Speaker 2: I did that for what ten years, at least about
16:31
Speaker 2: ten years, because every twelve months I'd go, we can't
16:35
Speaker 2: keep going like this, yep.
16:37
Speaker 1: And it's a great example of a region Beata paradix.
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Speaker 2: I think that again, you just have to trust your
16:43
Speaker 2: gut on their stuff and keep pushing through onto you
16:47
Speaker 2: find the answers.
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Speaker 1: Well, that also highlights another reality, and that is that
16:50
Speaker 1: it might be above your threshold. But then you go
16:52
Speaker 1: and see a medical practition or a mental health practitioner
16:54
Speaker 1: and they say, oh, this is the minor niggle for them.
16:57
Speaker 1: It's a region beta issue, and you're going, but this
16:59
Speaker 1: has been minor nickel for ten years now. It needs surgery.
17:03
Speaker 1: If I had a minor niggle in my knee for
17:05
Speaker 1: ten years, I would go and get something done about it.
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Speaker 1: So deal with the nickels, get on top of them.
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Speaker 1: It matters. The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin
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Speaker 1: Roland for Bridge Media. For more on making a family
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Speaker 1: happier and working on that self regulation, check out our
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Speaker 1: social pages on Facebook and Instagram, or visit us at
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Speaker 1: Happy families, dot com, dot au,