Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S5 Ep7: 🎯 Git-R-Done: Larry's Funniest Moments 🤣

Transcript

S5 Ep7: 🎯 Git-R-Done: Larry's Funniest Moments 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: I don't eat good at Christmas, I'll tell you that much.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: I got a Fitbit on Christmas Eve.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: I put it on, it dialed 911.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_01: You know what killed me at Christmas last year, food-wise?
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: The Kentucky Fried Chicken 12-day advent calendar.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: Holy smokes, them five golden wings had me turtled oven all the way to the bathroom.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: I guarantee.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: I ain't kidding.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: I could have dropped my pants and dropped a partridge out of a pear tree right there, I guarantee.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: Every time I start getting a little too fat at Christmas, so my kids will buy me a Christmas gift to hint around that I'm too fat.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_01: You know what they got me last year?
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: A petri dish with flesh-eating bacteria.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: We ran our kids up to the Walmart last year to see the Christmas village up there.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: We wasn't there more than 10 minutes.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: Somebody was already running a meth lab out of the gingerbread house.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: The hell?
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I love shopping at Walmart, but daggum, that's like a meth maker's paradise in there, ain't it?
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: Walmart's the only store in the world you can go and see somebody buying 16 boxes of cough syrup and some garden hose.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody thinks that's weird.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: Gave a shot at Walmart after midnight?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: Holy smokes.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, they ought to charge a cover charge in there after midnight.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: Tag gum, it's like a casting call for Ripley's, believe it or not, in that place.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_01: If you've never been to the circus, go to Walmart after midnight.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: You're bound to see a couple of bearded women, a toothless wonder, and the fattest man in the world on a scooter up there.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_01: They got good meals after midnight, though.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Last time I was up there after midnight, 75% off self-esteem.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_01: I walked in there like this, I walked out like this.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_01: I was like this.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: That's right.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_01: You can get everything at Walmart except good customer service.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: Holy smokes.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: Here's my impression of the hiring practices at Walmart.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: Let me ask you this.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: You ever cared about anything in your entire life?
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_01: No?
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_01: All right, you start Tuesday, all right?
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: We'll put you in the DVD department.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: My wife wanted to go to Walmart.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: She's trying to find the cheapest mop she could get for something she's doing.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: So we go to Walmart, get a mop,$4.95.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_01: Go up there to pay for the mop, and the lady goes, You want to buy the protection on this?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: You know what?
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: I think we're gonna risk it this time.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: Alright.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: Got a 95% chance we're gonna throw that away when we're done with it, anyways.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_01: At our Super Walmart, you can get your haircut.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: They got everything.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: My buddy got his haircut at Walmart.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: $20 for a haircut.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: Actually,$5 for a haircut.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_01: $15 for the hat you gotta wear next three weeks.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Got a doctor's office up at the Walmart.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_01: Holy smokes.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: People going in there.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: I was there the day they gave a guy three months to live in there.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: And uh he ended up getting hired as a door greeter once he walked out that door.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: Because I grew up in fairs, and I love fairs.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_01: What has happened to the clientele at the fairs lately, though?
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: Holy smokes, I was up here the other day.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: There's a dude walking like he's bleeding from the nose, you know, walking like he got a daggum fart stuck sideways, heading down that thing down there.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: Looked like a Greyhound bus overturned.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_01: He came walking in trying to get help or something.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's unbelievable at these fairs.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: By the way, anybody ever ride a Greyhound bus?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: I used to ride them back in the early days of comedy.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: Holy smokes, only thing slower than the Greyhound bus is the people on the dagum bus.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_01: They're a good value, though.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_01: I went from Sanford, Florida, all the way to Lincoln, Nebraska one time,$49.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: Oh man, 119 days.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_01: Oh smokes.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: And the big selling point at the time was now with more leg room.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: What they needed was more headroom, so I could have hung myself halfway through the trip.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: So I won one of them big stuffed animals one time at the fair, which I hated because I carried around the whole time.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: And I win something, and the guy goes, What do you want?
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I said, Well, give me that goofy looking minion right there.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_01: That little minion.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: He says, What?
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: I said, That goofy looking minion with the purple hat right there.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, That's the manager.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: You ever ride the rides at the fair?
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: They scare the heck out of me.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_01: My little boys, Daddy, can we ride the roller coaster?
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, we ain't riding the roller coaster.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: You do realize, son, they put that up in an hour in the parking lot.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: Probably got a bunch of parts left over on that daggone thing.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_01: Remember last Christmas when I got you that bicycle and put it together in 50 minutes and you got on it, the wheels fell off, and you wrapped your nuts.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: Remember that whole day right there?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: That's gonna happen to you on that roller coaster right there.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, come on, daddy.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: No, we're not doing it.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's it.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_01: So we're on the roller coaster there, and uh oh, I was so mad, I almost puked on that thing.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: Went upside down.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: I get done, I go, you didn't tell me it went upside down.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: The guy running it goes, it's not supposed to.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever gotten a wedding invitation from somebody that you barely know?
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell?
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: It's like getting a bill in the mail.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: I hate weddings.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: I was one a while back.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: Holy smokes, I ain't seen the bride was overweight, but whew.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: My buddy caught the garter belt.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: He's still been using it to tie up cordwood on his pickup track.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: Boy, these were some big.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_01: You should have seen the bridesmaids.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: Their cursages was personal pan pizzas.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: I ain't kidding with.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: They all went to school together.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_01: They was in the same sorority, so they had their sorority shirts on, you know, film ate a tata.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: My uncle just got married, 72 years old.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: My golly.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: He ran out of Viagra on the honeymoon.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: So he ended up having to use a can to fix a flat.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: Make a long story short, he overinflated and uh spent the rest of the night at Jiffy Lube having to get a patch put on him down there.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, this is crazy.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: True story, check this out.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_01: My mother-in-law last month won$400 in a hot dog eating contest.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's unbelievable.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: $400, 40 hot dogs in 10 minutes she ate.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: I couldn't believe it.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: My mother-in-law not talking for 10 minutes.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, she talked.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: I know.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: She can talk.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: She's the only woman at the beach getting melanoma on her tongue.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: All right, I guarantee.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: I always check my kids' candy for poisons and razor blades.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: Hold on, kids, you can't eat that yet.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta check in for poisons razor blades.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: They come down later on.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_01: Where's all our candy?
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_01: We live in a pretty bad neighborhood, I'll be honest with you.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: I swear we're gonna move next year, I promise they.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_01: They ruined everything?
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: No, not everything.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: They didn't touch that box of raisins in there, but they tell you what, them butterfingers, they was riddled with poisons in there.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_01: I can't eat like that no more.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: It sucks getting fat, man.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to lose some weight.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta do something.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's ridiculous.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: I got on the trampoline the other day with my kids.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: I had two jumps, had to get off.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: I wasn't tired or nothing.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: I had to get a ladder to get my boy out of a tree.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: And it stinks getting older and fatter.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I used to be something back in the day, boys.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_01: I used to be something.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: I did.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: I used to run cross-country.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: You Google it, I think I still hold the state record for taking the most shits in the woods.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: But I'm on a diet now, I'm eating nothing but fruit loops.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: But my wife has me on a wife has me on a diet now where I can have one cheap day.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: So I can have a hamburger with the cheese and the bun.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: One day a week.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: Or anytime I drive by a fast food restaurant when she's not with me in the car.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: She's a stickler too, I'll tell you what.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: She'll be up here sleeping at 2:30 in the morning, and the dog goes down there bark at the door for 10 minutes.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: She don't hear nothing.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: She's racked out.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta go down there and let the dog out.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: So next day I go down there, I'm kinda hungry.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: I pour a little bowl of Captain Crunch down there.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: I hear it.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_01: Get out of Cap and Crunch.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_01: What the hell?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: I should have barked when I poured that Captain Crunch in there, but I shouldn't have done.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: It sucks getting old and fat, I tell you.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: I remember when my beard turned white and my my my wife was like trying to comfort me.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, that's okay, honey.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: I like somebody with a little salt and pepper in their beard.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: Made me feel a little better.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_01: Then she goes, It's the corner in your teeth that's disgusting.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: I was gonna say broccoli, but none of y'all believe I eat broccoli.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_01: All right, so I'd say that.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_01: Here's the thing about getting older, you start losing your daggone memory.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: I can't I have a hard time remembering stuff now.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: It's so frustrating.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: Have you ever left your groceries on the roof of your car?
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, for three weeks?
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a hypochondriac.
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_01: I always think I'm dying of something, freaking out.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: Had a red blotch right there one time for a week, it's freaking me out.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: So I go get a biopsy on it.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: Tested positive for picante sauce.