Latest / Aspergers & Autism Podcast [The Aspie World] AuDHD / AUTISM in GIRLS 5 Social Anxiety Traits (YOU need to know)

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AUTISM in GIRLS 5 Social Anxiety Traits (YOU need to know) · Aspergers & Autism Podcast [The Aspie World] AuDHD

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  In this video whether we're looking at autism in girls and
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  specifically 5 social anxiety trait coming up.
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  Hey I'm Dan, I have Asperger syndrome, ADHD and OCD and
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  dyslexia. I make weekly videos on this
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  type of content. So if you're new around here and
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  want to learn more, consider subscribing.
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  Hey guys I'm Shaw and I have a diagnosis of autism and today
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  I'm going to be sharing some personal experience of my social
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  anxiety traits. Leave us a comment in the
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  comment section below. Let us know if you're on the
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  spectrum or I feel like a person who has a loved one or whether
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  on the spectrum when you're looking at this year to kind of
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  gain some health and experience for them.
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  Hey guys, welcome back to the Astley world.
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  I'm super awesome to actually have a guest here today.
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  This is the first call I've done this year.
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  I've never had another influencer.
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  So Charl is actually quite well known for her MTV show on just
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  the two of us, which I'll leave some links down below and some
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  stuff on the screen here if you want to see that.
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  Also, she's under call Instagram account, but importantly, she's
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  launching a YouTube channel. So I'll be leaving the link for
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  that in the description below that you all have to go down and
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  subscribe and show some love because we mean more females on
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  the spectrum on this platform. So it's super cool.
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  We wanted to do a video for a while and one of the things we
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  wanted to do was talk about autism and girls and different
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  things. We decided to talk about social
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  anxiety since it's such a huge issue or it's a big well talked
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  about topic. But I feel like it's not us talk
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  about for girls, you know, I feel like it's always male
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  dominated. There's always males kind of
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  doing this and the other. So in this video, we're
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  listening actually talking about Charles's perspective of those
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  traits and her personal insight and things like that.
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  Because I think this could be really valuable to all of you
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  guys. So we're going to go through
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  five different things just really set up by the end of it
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  and talk about have a discussion.
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  And if you want to jump in at any single time and add anything
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  in, put it in the comment section below and give this
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  video a thumbs up if you're enjoying this type of content.
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  So #1 is masking. So Charles, do you want to take
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  us through a little bit about masking and some of your
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  personal insight and experience with?
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  That so one of the things that affects me is masking, and this
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  is something that I'd say most women do on the spectrum
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  actually. It's really, really common
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  trait. And basically it's hiding your
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  traits and pretending to be a version of yourself that is
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  socially acceptable. Masking and hiding my traits so
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  that the other person can't suspect anything odd or weird or
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  anything. And what I tend to do is I copy
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  and mimic other people's behaviour so that I can
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  represent a socially acceptable version of myself.
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  Would you say that this is you'd pick up masking from watching
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  like TV and film because there's an interesting topic.
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  Like would you say that you learn social kind of masking
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  from like mimicking people on movie?
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  It's basically from years of being rejected socially, and so
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  you take characteristics from other people.
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  You're adopting other people's behavior and characteristics and
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  applying it to your own. It's basically just lying and
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  putting on a front you. So you're pretending to be
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  somebody else. You're pretending to be
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  something that is socially acceptable so that you can
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  connect with someone, but then you're actually hiding your true
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  self. What kind of effect is, what
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  kind of effect does does actually masking have on you as
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  a person? So if you go through your day
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  and you're masking, obviously you're not being comfortable in
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  your own skin and you're not being you.
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  What kind of effect what, what repercussions can that help?
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  Well, if I've had massive repercussions on me, especially
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  as an adult, because over the years I've, it's something that
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  I've done so long that you start to lose sense of self.
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  And this actually led to me having identity problems because
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  I was hiding my traits so often and putting on this front where
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  I was somebody completely different just to fit in that I
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  didn't know who I actually was. That's fascinating because like,
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  I think one of the main factors for why females have been not as
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  diagnosed as males is because masking is apparent and they
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  say, oh, well, you know, they're fine here, they're fine there or
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  whatever. You know, it's, it's weird that
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  it's now what, like masking was a thing that we didn't even know
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  existed, but it's now that we're able to put an actual name to it
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  and say it's a sting. But now they're quite
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  fascinating. It's a bit of a tricky thing as
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  well and I I know that there's not a lot out there on women on
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  the spectrum especially, so that's why I'm doing my bit to
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  raise awareness. So the reason it's a tricky
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  thing is because it's a massive trait, but it also goes against
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  being diagnosed. So if you're actively seeking a
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  diagnosis, then you're so good at hiding it that sometimes not
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  even a professional can diagnose you because you can't see it.
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  You've got so good at, especially as an adult as well
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  on the spectrum, you get so used to hiding your traits that you
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  are now this brilliant actress that you didn't even.
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  Know and another thing about masking is that like you develop
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  coping or like work around strategies right so this is this
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  is something I found fascinating so in terms of like a lot of
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  people say oh I go and diagnose X amount of years and they say
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  oh I didn't know you had an issue with that but then they
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  make like work around coping mechanisms for instance, like if
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  you were you didn't want you didn't want to talk you anxiety
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  talking about phones all the pizza yeah so anytime you'd be
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  anywhere with you on all the pizza you always say to me oh
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  can you do first I just got to go to the toilet or I'm just
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  going to go to do something else and it's.
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  Simple. So that's what.
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  About behaviours. I am absolutely the worst piece
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  in the world to pick up the phone and I I I can't make
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  conversation on the phone. I can't do anything that
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  requires an immediate response because I find that is is far
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  too much pressure. So or let somebody else do it.
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  Or for example, if I have to pay for an item, I'll let somebody
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  else do it. You know, it's little things.
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  Yeah, yeah, definitely. I think that it just fascinates
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  me and I think that this is one of the reasons why we're having
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  a huge gap in the more females to males being actually
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  diagnosed. But I think that gap is small,
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  getting small and small. And so having things like the
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  National Autistic Society have a new program and training program
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  for Autumn girls, it's really good and people like yourself do
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  more advocacy on it. It's going to be awesome.
• 5:44
  Guys if. You are interested in knowing
• 5:46
  how I became confident, got that BDE energy?
• 5:49
  Then make sure you download my free Autism Building a
• 5:53
  Bulletproof Brain Starter Kit. You can go to
• 5:56
  bulletproofbrain.org right now. Click the card here, link in the
• 6:00
  description or in the bio. Or you can just go to
• 6:02
  bulletproofbrain.org. Make sure you put www.beforeit
• 6:06
  and download the free checklist starter kit right now.
• 6:09
  I promise you, you're going to be amazed.
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  OK, so #2 is selective mutism. Do you want to talk to us a bit
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  about selective mutism? Yeah, selective mutism, it's
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  something that affects humanely when I mean groups of people.
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  So one to one speaking to someone, I'm pretty good.
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  I'm actually pretty great, especially if we've got
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  something in common to talk about otherwise.
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  Not really. Nothing.
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  Yeah, you don't go to say anything.
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  This is actually something that led to my diagnosis because
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  while I was away filming for on TVI went out for a meal as a
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  group with some of the other artists and I literally became
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  stuck. I was trapped inside of myself.
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  And it got to a point where I was so overwhelmed by everything
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  in my in my environment and socially especially that I
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  physically couldn't speak. And it's hard because when
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  you're trying to explain this this summer, because you have to
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  be in that situation to experience it and there's no,
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  there's no way they can test it really.
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  So. How often does how how often do
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  you say you experience kind of selective mutism and and what
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  type of situations would you experience it?
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  Probably we and and I mean like for some bizarre reason and it
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  tends to be more around people my own age and I'm not sure if
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  that's because I said no, people are age.
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  Maybe I think it's because, you know, maybe you feel like
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  expected to be a certain way you're under people.
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  Yeah, an. Age to act a certain way and
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  behave a certain way. Yeah.
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  And not be Yeah. And and the extent acting is
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  that way being that kind of like typical person when you're not a
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  typical person. So you might feel like, you
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  know, like I can't contribute to this situation, so you just kind
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  of climb up or something. I don't.
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  I'm just trying to figure out, but it's fascinating.
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  Like I've experienced this and it wasn't until you'd said it to
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  me, we were like, what's up and talking about doing this video
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  and talk about different things are so from utism.
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  And I've experienced this when I go to Naomi's mum's house and we
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  have like do like family dinners or like a.
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  Family dinners. Oh my.
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  I just like, we're an enormous system.
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  We're like, Dan, you don't speak like you don't.
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  Why do you engage with who I am speaking and stuff?
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  I'm like I have no idea like, no idea like.
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  There's that pressure there to have to be social and to have to
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  make conversation, and then you're applying even more
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  pressure on your salad. Yeah.
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  And it's it just just spirals down to, OK, this is never going
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  to happen. Like I guess like.
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  I always have this really intense fear of being judged on
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  anything that I say. So then it's it gets to the
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  point where it's so bad and I've cammed up so much that anything
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  I do actually say, like any sentence, I can actually go out,
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  give myself a little pat in the back and like, yes, say
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  something. I totally get that.
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  I mean, I can appreciate that. And you know, it is a difficult
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  thing to overcome. So I mean, maybe you're noticing
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  this in say you're a parent watching this or a guardian or a
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  loved one or whatever, and you're noticing these kind of
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  traits in somebody. It's quite interesting.
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  If you're coming across this for the first time, then it may be
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  possible that they have a factional condition because I
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  find this is very valuable. OK, so #3 is making small talk
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  and this one I kind of rings to me as well.
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  I know a lot about kind of like how it's difficult to make small
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  talk when having a special condition because that is just
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  like it's super difficult. So do you want to talk a little
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  bit about your of the experience of being a female inspection?
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  Yeah, sure. I mean, like a lot of people
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  would probably doubt this and a lot of people that have met me
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  personally, and that's because I mean, I, I will make the effort
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  to chat to them. But what I'm actually doing is
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  running off a script of stuff I've learnt to say over the
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  years that is socially acceptable.
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  And I'm just repeating myself basically in every conversation
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  with every single person because I when that script runs out,
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  what do I say now? Yeah, I.
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  I can totally, I can totally relate.
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  And like I have a few things that I talk about.
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  One I'll I'll talk about a series of people and then and
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  when they're not interested in that, I'm like, OK, well, I'll
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  talk about politics because I know all about politics, right.
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  And if they're not interested in politics, I'm kind of all out,
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  you know, there's somebody says to me, I always talk about cars.
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  I'm like, there's no way. There's like no way this
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  conversation going to go in that I find like those situations are
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  like the panic situations are like, oh, what am I going to do
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  now? It's because as well, like, I
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  mean, it's a common autistic trait that people's authors
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  intend to speak about themselves and speak about their interests.
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  And then you've also got the added factor where you have to
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  actively try to pretend to be interested in that other person
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  when actually you don't care. You don't care, OK?
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  And it's not that you're not a caring person, it's just that
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  you you're very strict on your interests and that's all you
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  enjoy talking about. It, you know, it's really very,
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  very interesting and I love kind of having conversations with
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  other autistic individuals because you can relate to them
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  so much. And it's interesting because
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  like he goes through life, just think about things yourself.
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  And he talks to me like, yeah, I mean, because, yeah, you can
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  talk. That's right.
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  Because we can talk about the things because we have that kind
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  of common ground. But it's interesting when
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  there's, yeah, you with like typical people who want to talk
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  about like cars, work and going out.
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  It's like so weird and. Especially like I mean I don't
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  have typical interests the girls have, for example, having my
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  nails done or. 1. No idea what to talk.
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  No, it's totally true. Like, so I don't drink alcohol
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  and like a lot of guys like love drinking beer and all this
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  stuff. So if I meet like nobody's
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  family members or they talk about beer and drinking, like
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  I'm completely out of the field. Yeah, I have no idea what's
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  going on. You know, like it just it's.
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  Really difficult. I think it's probably more
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  difficult to find for people to find common ground with me.
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  Yeah, Jerry, it's only hard to talk about because yeah, they
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  must. I mean, they must be able to
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  sense when I'm not actually interested because.
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  Well, look, I mean, it's a, like you said, it's a very typical
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  trait of autism. And I feel that like if you're,
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  if you're experiencing this yourself and you can relate to
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  this, then this is definitely a video for you.
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  And leave us a comment down below as well.
• 11:43
  If your experiences. I love to talk to people about
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  the different types of experiences they're having.
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  OK, so #4 is fear of socialising?
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  And this is, this is a huge one. I mean, socialising for anybody
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  on the spectrum is a very difficult situation, especially
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  for the people. You don't know if it's a large
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  group of people. So let me know what you know.
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  How do you experience that fear of social?
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  Well, I mean, it's not something that other people could notice
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  because like I said earlier, hiding traits, and this applies
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  to this one massively because I'm basically absolutely, I've
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  got like a limp in my throat and I, and I feel absolute dread
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  when I know that I have to be social with someone or speak to
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  someone on a personal level. And it's not because they're not
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  interesting people. It's just because I generally am
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  extremely intimidated by people when I, when I first meet them
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  as well. So yeah, it it just builds up
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  avoidance issues as well. Do you do you feel like it?
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  It kind of builds up a frustration or an anger.
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  So like if you're forced to be in social situations, you also
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  have a fear of it. And then masking comes into
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  play. Does that have a kickback?
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  Like, Oh my goodness, you know, because because with me, because
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  it's different, because males on the spectrum, I just, I just
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  don't, you know, from the situation where people expect
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  something of you, we don't really technically have that
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  masking ability, I guess because, you know, the female
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  and male brains do work slightly differently in that respect and.
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  I think it's because like where in general women are more
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  socially aware I think. Right, right.
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  Yeah. So I mean, it would really
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  matter to me what other people thought.
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  So yeah, I know that matters anyway.
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  Like no. But it's a thing that you
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  instantly think about at that moment in time to be like, OK, I
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  need to get through this and I need to do this.
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  And again, masking comes into play.
• 13:23
  But I'm wondering like, does that have a kickback?
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  So you do the you know, you do masking you go you force is
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  obviously a fearful situation of socializing Then like later on
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  at home. Did you ever kick you in the
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  head and just yes. Absolutely.
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  So like anything that happens, like any, any social event that
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  happens during the day, I will go home and I will really sit
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  and think about it and I'll think like, well, I shouldn't
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  have said that or I should have said it differently or perhaps
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  did I offend that person? And and and then it just, it
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  just makes you so scared of just socializing.
• 13:54
  Yeah, yeah, yeah. And even trying to do it.
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  Yeah, because you just think that I'm useless at this and I'm
• 13:59
  going to fail. So then it just instills an
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  absolute fear in you, and I don't know what it is.
• 14:04
  I don't know what makes me so scared to connect with other
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  people. I know, I think it's it's
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  because it's the unpredictability of people
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  because you don't have people going to react to anything.
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  I think that that's the fear that I don't know how they're
• 14:15
  going to react. And you know, at the signal you
• 14:17
  just to figure this out and working on this channel and
• 14:18
  working with professionals is how I've come to that
• 14:20
  conclusion, but that's what I think it is.
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  I think the intense fear as well comes from being socially
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  rejected over the years. No, because you're rejected so
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  often and you get used to that fear.
• 14:29
  You get. Yeah.
• 14:30
  And and then it gets to a point where, I mean, I, I wasn't
• 14:32
  treated very well in school. I was, I was quite believing in
• 14:34
  school for being the quiet one, believe it or not.
• 14:36
  And then you're even more scared of speaking because it.
• 14:39
  Becomes a bigger thing, you know that's crazy but like and that
• 14:42
  that is the thing. If you know schools are probably
• 14:44
  the worst place like typical mainstream schools.
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  Kids can be mean as heck. So this doesn't help, especially
• 14:48
  for females who are trying the best to mask it because again,
• 14:51
  the females, they're so clever in the way that you know, you
• 14:54
  know, female with autism is like you said, they're trying to do
• 14:57
  all these things and that the guys are just like lazy
• 14:59
  typically in that respect. They don't try those things
• 15:01
  because I have no idea why, but that's how it works.
• 15:03
  And I just find it. It's crazy because bullies can
• 15:05
  be so horrible, especially if someone who's already trying to
• 15:07
  harvest, you know, that's great. When you have to make the active
• 15:10
  effort as well, and you have to, I mean, as people on the
• 15:13
  spectrum, we do actively have to make more of an effort than the
• 15:16
  average person because it does, it requires a lot.
• 15:19
  Yeah, it takes way more effort. It's like do you seem going like
• 15:21
  there's the storm picking something up is like way more
• 15:24
  effort involved for some of the autism.
• 15:25
  It would be for a typical person because all that interaction for
• 15:27
  life sound to stimulate the people socializing the then
• 15:30
  copying the money, the the worrying, the the anxiety of
• 15:33
  just being outside like it's all of those things are there.
• 15:35
  But I think it's just, yeah, it's crazy, guys, I.
• 15:38
  Wasn't always this confident and I definitely wasn't always this
• 15:40
  able. I'm able to hold down having a
• 15:43
  full time self-employed job. I have children and a
• 15:46
  relationship across the Atlantic.
• 15:47
  How did I do this? I teach all of this this in
• 15:50
  Coping Secrets which is my entry level program that everyone can
• 15:53
  get. You can get it right now for
• 15:54
  $27.00. The link is in the description
• 15:57
  or you can just go to learnautism.net/coping Secrets.
• 16:01
  I'll make sure it's linked everywhere in this video and the
• 16:04
  link in my bio so you can get your hands on it.
• 16:06
  But honestly, the feedback I got, people love it. #5 is
• 16:12
  isolating or isolation and talk about how you isolate yourself
• 16:16
  and what I'm facing. Is so I mean, this is probably a
• 16:18
  follow on from the fear of socializing because what happens
• 16:21
  is you get such a big fear of socializing that you become
• 16:25
  socially avoidant. And this can lead to other
• 16:28
  mental illnesses as well, like depression, for example.
• 16:31
  But sometimes you know what, I can be at home and I can be
• 16:34
  really, I can feel really low in myself because my social life's
• 16:37
  gone out the window because I've just, I've just not got the
• 16:41
  energy to be able to invest in that because I'm busy during the
• 16:43
  day. And then what happens is I avoid
• 16:46
  everyone. I start to become depressed.
• 16:50
  Yeah, because it's kind of like a caption.
• 16:51
  So you don't want to go out because you're feeling kind of
• 16:53
  that fear of like, you know, the social anxiety and stuff, and
• 16:55
  you feel like it's going to take more effort.
• 16:56
  But then when you don't go out and do those things, you become
• 16:59
  a bit more recluse. And then it gets worse.
• 17:01
  And then it kind of plays in your mind and you and then your
• 17:02
  mood starts to dip and then you just sort of downward spiral.
• 17:05
  Also another thing as well, like I mean, I for example, I can go
• 17:09
  out with my friends, right? And I have an amazing time out
• 17:11
  with my friends. We'll have a great laugh and
• 17:13
  then I will come home and I'll just cry.
• 17:17
  And it's because like, like you said, I said earlier, all those
• 17:20
  environmental factors, everything that yeah, everything
• 17:23
  that's your, all the information your brain is trying to process
• 17:26
  at one time. It gets to a point where if you
• 17:28
  want to see me, you're just going to have to come to my
• 17:30
  head. I'll deal with the fact that
• 17:32
  text messages are the way to go, but like, and you know, I
• 17:35
  interviewed a guy I was doing a collaboration video with a guy
• 17:38
  called Kevin Chapman, who's a really big YouTube and autism
• 17:41
  advocate on the, on the platform.
• 17:43
  And, and Kevin's got a son called Andy who has autism.
• 17:45
  And he said to me that every day Andy came, every Monday, Andy
• 17:49
  would come home from school and just throw up.
• 17:51
  Like like every Monday he'd come throw up and he's like, why not
• 17:54
  going on? No, no other day, just the
• 17:55
  Monday come home, throw up on the floor and he's like, damn,
• 17:57
  what's going on? I said, well, he's had, you
• 18:00
  know, Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday to just chill out and
• 18:02
  be in his own zone and be comfortable.
• 18:04
  Then he goes into a school environment, which throws them
• 18:05
  all out and he's having to deal with that all day and he just
• 18:08
  goes crazy sick. So it's kind of like I can
• 18:10
  totally understand what you know about that.
• 18:12
  I've not really experienced that myself from because I just, I've
• 18:15
  been used to actually myself for ages.
• 18:17
  So I can't remember the last time I'd foster in this
• 18:18
  situation because like you, you want to go out and have that fun
• 18:22
  with your friends. I'm not really bothered.
• 18:23
  I'd rather just kind of like separate myself.
• 18:25
  And I think that is the difference between the male and
• 18:28
  the female in the spectrum. The friends I have are the
• 18:31
  friends that just know how useless I am maintaining
• 18:36
  friendships and they kind of accept down.
• 18:38
  They just think, well, Charlie is the way she is and if I want
• 18:40
  to see her, I'm just gonna have to give her a call or.
• 18:42
  Yeah, and there's nothing wrong with that.
• 18:45
  And I think that, like, being proud of who you are as well is
• 18:47
  going to definitely help overcome any kind of like stigma
• 18:50
  of all those things. OK, so just want to say thanks
• 18:52
  for Charlotte to come down and actually do.
• 18:54
  This video is super awesome. And I'm looking forward to
• 18:56
  getting a tattoo from you sometime in the near future.
• 18:59
  If you want to check out the next video, it's all about
• 19:01
  autism symptoms in girls. I'll leave it in the next video
• 19:04
  card. And don't forget to subscribe if
• 19:05
  you want more. See you next time guys.
• 19:07
  Guys.