Latest / The SmallBizChat with Melinda Emerson / Support is Sexy with Elayne Fluker

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Support is Sexy with Elayne Fluker · The SmallBizChat with Melinda Emerson

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3, 10, 1, 0, ignition, liftoff,
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Ending small business failure.
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Welcome to the Small Biz Chat podcast with a number 1 small business expert Melinda Emerson.
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Bolinda's goal is to end small business failure, and she'll give you the information
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you need to succeed and live the life you've dream of.
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Now here's the small biz lady herself.
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Melinda Emerson.
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Hi, everybody.
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I'm Melinda Emerson, the small biz lady, and welcome to the small fish chat podcast.
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I'm a small business lady, America's number one small business expert, and I am excited to
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welcome you to today's show.
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Today's show, it's all about developing your 2021 business strategy.
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If you need a new strategy for where your business is gonna be going, in the new year?
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Well, we've all been affected by the pandemic, and you're in the right place.
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Smallish Pat is Really, it's a live peer to peer interview show that gives small business
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owners a way to get and share valuable information and advice The mission of small
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business chat is to end small business failure.
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And today's show is featuring 3 live guests, and we are also broadcasting from my small
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business lady Facebook page, my YouTube channel, and we're streaming live on Twitter
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via Periscope.
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On smallbiz chat live, our goal is to give our small business audience An opportunity to hear
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sage advice from multiple angles to grow your business and take it to the next level.
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So with that, I would love to introduce my guest Now let me introduce my next guest who is
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someone I've known for a very long time.
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Her name is her name is Lake I've known her so long I'm choking on saying her name.
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Her name is Elaine Boogler, and she is the host of the support is 60 podcasts featuring
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interviews with more than 500 diverse women entrepreneurs.
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She's also the founder of Sys Academy, an online learning platform for black women
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entrepreneurs He's also the author of the forthcoming book.
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Get over.
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I got it, which is coming out from Harper Collins next May.
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Elaine, welcome to Smallish deadline.
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Melinda, thank you so much for having me here.
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You're like my cousin's girl.
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My cousin's still mispronounced my last name, and we're family.
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So it's fine.
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It's like we're a family.
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Time.
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I've been talking to people all day.
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All day.
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That's right.
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That's right.
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Alright.
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So tell me something.
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How did you get so passionate about the topic of support?
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And women getting proper support.
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Where did all that come from?
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You know, I attended this workshop called Momentum in 2015.
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And during that time, it was leaders from all industries.
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It was in in New York.
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So, you know, go getters, ambitious folks, men, and women.
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And two things I say were hardest for us all to ask for.
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We realize.
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Love and support.
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And when I say hard, I mean, boohoo crying, don't make me ask, I don't wanna do it kind of
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thing.
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So that was my first time realizing, wow, I actually have a problem asking for support.
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So after the workshop, you know, how you go to the event, you go to the conference, you go to
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wherever you get all this information, you're all turned up.
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And then what happens afterwards you forget?
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So I wanted to keep this going for me.
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So I started to think of support as this idea of something sexy, so not sexual, but sexy,
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like a dress or a sexy vacation in a sexy apartment, something you wanna get close to.
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So I would say support is sexy, support is sexy, support is sexy to kind of force myself
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to remember And then I started sharing that with other women I knew, especially women
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entrepreneurs who were trying to do it all themselves.
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And I received them light up.
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Like, oh, yeah.
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Okay.
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I'm gonna use that.
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Support and sexy.
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And then it just started to roll from there.
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So it started off as a a personal mantra for me after attending momentum, and then it evolved
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into me using the the phrase with other people.
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And then in 2016, I launched my podcast around this idea of asking women entrepreneurs the
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role that support played in their journey.
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Interesting.
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Now I remember when I was coming out of college, and I remember hearing all these
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professional women saying, look.
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You can have it all.
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No, ma'am.
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Can't have it all.
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It's a big time.
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Oh, there's never I I I've I've heard it once.
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I heard it fifteen times at a time.
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So so talk about that.
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I mean, is that still true, or do you agree with that statement?
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I don't know if I agree.
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I think I do think you can have it all.
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What I think we need to get back to, and this is something that I actually have as an
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exercise in my book is about finding your all for yourself.
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Like, what does all look like for you?
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Your all is gonna look different than my all.
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It's gonna look different than someone else's all.
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Think where we get caught up feeling like I can't have it all because a lot of times you're
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you're wanting things that maybe you you're saying you want things that maybe you don't
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really want, or you're saying you want things that you think quote, unquote, should want or
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what someone else says you should want.
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So I try to think, and I think this year in 2020, especially maybe a lot of people are
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really reflecting on this.
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What do I really, really want?
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The second really I say is italicize.
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Like, what do you really, really want?
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And what do you really, really need to, like, go up?
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You know?
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So there are some things,
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you know.
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For the people in the back.
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In the back.
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Let it go.
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You know, so just really processing what all looks like for you and then deciding how to go
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after that.
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And maybe all of it isn't at the same time.
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I just think again, all is a something that's self defined.
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Okay.
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Alright.
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So do you think these issues though are different for black women than they are for,
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let's say, white woman or other women that come in?
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You know, I interviewed Catherine Finney, who I know you know, right, Catherine, who's the
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probably the founder of.
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She was the founder of digital it.
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And she was found her budget fast to Lisa, and I know she's gonna be working on something
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else.
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I'm sure, but she's a fabulous woman, and she wrote this article years ago about the language
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of the ask.
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I believe it's what it's called.
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And it was about just what you mentioned.
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Black women needing to learn the language of the ask.
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So I interviewed Catherine and and about a dozen other women from my book, but I wanted to
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talk to her about that about historically black women not being taught or even allowed to ask.
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Right?
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Black and black men and women, you think about my parents, for example, are in their nineties
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god bless them.
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They grew up in Alabama in the thirties, and they weren't able to ask because you could get
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in trouble for asking or killed for asking.
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So it is something I do think that we struggle with from a cultural standpoint, but other
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women, you know, everywhere too have the same struggle about asking for support.
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So let's talk about what support might look like now.
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There's a new lens of support.
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Right?
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So we've got a brand new device president-elect Kamala Harris who has a husband, Doug Emma,
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will now be known as the second man.
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And he is about to give up his entertainment law practice to support his wife.
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Do you have to pick a special name for that job?
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You need a lot of things to happen, or is it like
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A special man or a white man?
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I'm as I'm gonna say this.
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I'm not saying this
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what you're her I and I say that don't come.
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A man, younger than you, a man.
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Right.
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Right.
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Well, that is it.
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Exactly.
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Exactly.
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Listen, don't don't tweet us crazy.
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Didn't say that because I'm saying that's what you have to do.
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I'm just saying that's what vice president Harris has chosen to do.
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I do think to answer your question specifically, you do have to pick a special
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man.
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And what I've learned is I don't even well, your man should be special.
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Your partner should be special anyway.
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But for me, I've learned you have to choose someone who is attracted to your ambition.
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And your ambition can't be just this other thing that's a part of who you are.
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And and at least in my case, the ambition has to be part of the thing that they are attracted
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to because it's gonna be hard.
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You know, I know you're probably younger than me, Melinda, but I am a woman in my forties.
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So I'm dating men who end their forties, maybe their fifties, maybe thirties, but forties and
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fifties mostly.
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So I'm not trying to change anybody who's been doing the same thing.
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50 something years.
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So if this is something that doesn't work for you, me being on camera talking to you or me
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doing all the other things I want to do, It's just not gonna work, and you don't wanna try to
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force someone to change.
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So I'm sure the second husband was always, if not always, learned to be supportive and that
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might have been probably part of the thing he was attracted to.
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Like, this woman is doing it.
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So I don't know.
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You know, we want them to be special, of course, but I really do think.
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And there's nothing wrong with men who don't want that.
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Who wants someone who wants to be home or whatever that looks like.
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I I've had a guy tell me that, like, you're not gonna have time to take care of me.
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It's like, this won't work.
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So and work.
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Why don't you off the island quickly?
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Okay.
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So I mean, you know, I once had a man tell me, you know, you need to find somebody who wants
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to be the chairman of your fan club.
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And I think I like that.
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Like, I think, like, that might be the writing.
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Like, somebody who's like, give me a, give me an e, give me
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a And someone that knows too, I'm I'm maybe you run into this when you're home, you don't wanna
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be the superstar ambitious woman, etcetera.
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You just you just wanna saw place to land.
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You want them to have a soft place to land.
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So I think that's the thing too.
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People think that because you're, you know, in the public, and I know superstar, certainly,
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but on camera or doing writing books and doing the more public facing things, we'll say that
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that is who you are all the time.
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And it's, no, for me, I am a woman.
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I want to be adored and cherished, and so forwarded and all the other things, and I will
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do the same.
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So that's the thing too.
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That's why I say, you know, your ambition is a part of you.
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It's not all of you.
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And we have to remember that for ourselves too.
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Our ambition is a part of us, not all of us.
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So this is why this idea of asking for support letting go of what I call I got it syndrome and
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being open to it is so important for us.
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Well, talk about I got it syndrome.
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Let's talk about what I call I call that Super Woman Syndrome, but
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we're gonna
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we're gonna let you have your book titles.
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Okay.
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Alright.
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So what is I got it, Syndrome?
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What is that?
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Yeah.
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I say I got it syndrome is something when anyone offers an unapologetically ambitious
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woman's support and her first response without even thinking is I got it.
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Okay.
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I got it.
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No.
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No.
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No.
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I got it.
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I said I got it.
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Whatever I got it looks like for you, that is what I call I got it syndrome.
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So it's really not even being mindful of the fact that pushing support away.
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This is everything from, you know, working on a project together at the office to the person
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who is at the grocery store who is assigned to carry your groceries out to the car for you,
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and you are struggling to do it on your own.
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They offer you support, and you just say, oh, no.
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Well, it's got it.
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Just anything in the situations where there could be support.
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You have you you dropped your head because you've done that?
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I've done that.
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And the guy was like, Okay.
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I mean, they pay me to do that but you go ahead and struggle with your arms burning trying to
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carry those groceries out to the car.
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But we're so used to saying I got it.
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It's just we don't even think about it.
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So that's what I want women to be more mindful about that.
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And and I say this more than you.
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Probably one of these women too.
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Maybe you do have it.
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Maybe you could do it by yourself, but how wonderful would it be to just be open to the
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universe, trying to send support your way to be woo wooed for a minute.
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Why not get in the habit of accepting support?
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Why not just take a beat take a beat and think about it and say, you know what?
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Thank you.
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That would be great.
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And it's not only a gift to you.
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It's a gift to that person too to be able to support you in whatever way they are trying to
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help you in that moment.
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So that's something I want us just to be more mindful of.
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And it's a way of, you know, connecting with other people and all those other things, but
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really it's just like, you don't have to get You get enough.
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I always say think about all you did today and all, Melinda.
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Think about all you did today since 5 AM.
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Think about all you got planned for tomorrow.
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Let the man carry your gross.
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Listen.
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That, I do wanna get you in the back of my head, like, the little angel on my shoulder,
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like, let them do it.
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Let them just say Thank you.
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Right.
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Yes.
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Please thank you.
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So let's talk about COVID.
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You know, one of the things that's been very interesting for me in COVID 19 has been this
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concept of self care.
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Right.
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And I used to think of self care as like, oh, I'm gonna go get my nails done.
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And what I have come to know, you know, if from my, you know, and my name is Julian Emerson,
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and I'm a work at Holly grade.
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So I I was gonna say that.
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I'm not gonna deny who and what I am.
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Yeah.
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But what I also know is that self care is a thing.
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Right?
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And it's like, resting is actually an activity.
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Resting is
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That's right.
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And I just I mean, I just learned that.
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And I and I'm and I'm ashamed to say that.
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I mean, but I was like, you know, Rusting is a thing.
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Like, it's, like, it's required.
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And I don't think enough of us I think some of us super type AA overachiever, ambitious women
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are just on go, and that's, like, how we operate.
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We own and it's like, but eventually, your car breaks down.
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Like, if you never stop and get a tune up, if you never take it to get a oil change, If you
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never check the air to make sure the air the air pressure's right and tires, eventually,
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you're gonna catch a flat, and you're gonna catch a flat when you got high heels on and
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somewhere to go.
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That's right.
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Right.
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That's right.
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Yeah.
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And it's
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planning your life.
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It's like you can end up with, you know, heart attack strokes.
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High blood pressure, cholesterol medicine.
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Like, there's things that can happen.
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Stress kills people, and I don't know that we fully appreciate that.
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And I was wondering if in your research and the women that you've talked to, like, this concept
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of self care, it it the court as part of self care is a thing.
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Yeah.
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Well, I love that you mentioned about self care, not just being about going to get a
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manicure or pedicure or massage or all these other things, which to most women just feels
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like another to do on their list.
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Right?
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There's nothing wrong with those things.
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Those are certainly part of self care.
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But what I also remind people and what I talked to the women in my book about is self care can
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look like healthy boundaries.
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Self care can look like saying no.
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When you mean no, not saying yes to things that, you know, will stress you out or that you
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really don't as going back to really, really want to do or even need to do.
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So self care can look a lot of different ways.
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It's not just how you pamper yourself.
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There's that.
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It's how you take care of yourself.
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Certainly, you're and how you eat and all of those things that most of us already know, but
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I think we forget about, again, things like healthy boundaries or you know, letting things
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go as we talked about.
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If you're whether and as an entrepreneur, if you're working on a project or with a client
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who you just at a point, you just know it's not working.
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It's all money ain't good money.
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Right?
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It's a toxic relationship.
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Money.
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It's not good money.
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Right?
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So that's the thing.
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So those kinds of things too are about self care.
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Even in in the business context, and those kind of things.
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So that's what I'm finding out.
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And those self care and also those are examples of ways of supporting yourself.
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So yes, the manicure of, yes, the manicure is pay cures, all that thing.
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I'm all about it, but you gotta take care of yourself too, your mental health, protect your
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protect your what do they say?
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Sand guard at the doorway of your mind.
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Right?
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I believe that's, is that Tony Robbins someone says that I'm not seeing credit a standard at
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the door of your mind.
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So you have to make sure that you keep your mind healthy and whatever your surroundings are
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as healthy as possible.
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I love that.
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It's really powerful.
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Thank you, Elaine.
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Listen, when we come back, we're going to talk about this a little bit more.
15:08
I'm more than Emerson and small business lady.
15:10
You're watching the small a chat log, we'll be right back.
15:16
Are you tired of struggling in your business, not taking a paycheck?
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Dread and dealing with your business in the morning?
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Are you regretting even starting your business in the first place?
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Well, I know you're tired.
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And I also remember what that kind of tire is like, but the good news is it's time to stop
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feeling that way.
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Stop.
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I'm Melinda Emerson's small business lady, and my new book to fix your business is a ninety
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Grab a copy today.
15:55
Welcome back to small business chat live.
15:57
I'm here with my guest, Elaine Booker.
16:00
Elaine, tell me what are the most important attributes of of successful women, business
16:07
leaders.
16:07
Like, people that are doing this well What does that look like?
16:11
Like, who are those people?
16:12
I think, you know, during the times that we're in, some of the best business leaders are the
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ones who are trying to make it a point within the organization to practice empathy and
16:22
compassion.
16:23
I mean, we all know about all of the other skills that you need in order to grow a
16:26
business and most of us, let's just say no about that.
16:29
Certainly, if you're the leader of a company, but I think during this time, whether it's, you
16:33
know, someone has lost a parent or a family member or someone to COVID, Someone is
16:38
struggling with everything that's going on as far as social justice and systemic racism in
16:43
the country and how we're all trying to move beyond that or heal, really, not even move
16:47
beyond heal some of those wounds that are certainly still open, or maybe it's someone has
16:52
to homeschool their kids.
16:53
And you're trying to have them on 16 Zoom meetings all day.
16:56
You know?
16:57
So just really being open to what people are experiencing during these unprecedented times.
17:02
I mean, all the things are happening in 2020.
17:05
So I think the best leaders, women leaders, I would say too empathy and compassion for
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yourself.
17:10
As a leader because you're doing the best you can as we all are doing this time and also for
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your team, you know, if you don't hit those goals or you don't hit those revenue marks and
17:19
all those other things, okay, during a regular year, but can we just kind of really assess
17:23
what's been going on this year and not use it as an excuse?
17:25
But to be really clear about what really went wrong or what was really different this year
17:30
and just have conversations about things, conversations, honesty, openness, let create
17:36
space for people to feel like there's some, you know, psychological safety for them to be able
17:40
to share what's really going on.
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So that's those are the things that I see where the leaders are in practicing kindness leaders
17:46
are really chain shifting their companies.
17:48
And I will say even seeing that from the outside, there are certain companies that I see
17:52
when I hear about a leader doing something special for their employees during this time,
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whatever that looks like, whether they are not taking a salary or they've created some kind of
18:01
special thing for people to start working at 3 so they can focus on their kids or whatever
18:05
that is, that makes me wanna buy from that company more.
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That makes me wanna support that company more.
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That makes me wanna get behind them or tell other people about them.
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So I think again, the best leaders are really starting to care about their people.
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Alright.
18:18
So tell me, who do you look up to for inspiration and mentorship in this area of your
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life?
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Because I know for me, I have a team of mentors.
18:26
Right?
18:26
So I have people that are sort of like my mom mentors that help me with my son.
18:31
And if frankly, my mother is the chairman of that committee.
18:33
Right?
18:35
I have women who helped me, you know, be better leaders or, you know, aspirationally where I
18:40
want my company to go, you know, getting on corporate boards and directors and things like
18:44
that.
18:44
So I have, like, some women that sort of, like, Metro me in that aspect of my life And then I
18:47
have a mastermind group of women who are more like peers, and we're all, you know, trying to
18:52
get our businesses to Nicole.
18:53
So, like, I have sort of like this, bunch of different people that, you know, advise me
18:58
around certain things.
18:59
But who do you look up to for for inspiration and mentorship sort of like in in this area of
19:04
your life?
19:05
I have similar circles as you do with the mastermind and on mastermind of a small group
19:10
of entrepreneurs that I meet with.
19:11
It's women and men, myself, and some others.
19:14
And then I have a bigger mastermind of on just a Facebook group, the support of sexy
19:18
mastermind, which is about 400 or so women, and we come in there and share resources, and I'll
19:23
opportunities and feedback and ask questions.
19:25
So that's sort of a bigger group just to have a place to go and ask whatever questions you
19:29
want.
19:30
But for me, personally, what's been a game changer for me for the past 3 year 2017, I
19:35
think it was, is having a business coach.
19:37
So she is someone Margo that I talked to every every week.
19:40
I talked to her earlier today as a matter of fact, and it's not even with, necessarily
19:44
coming to her with the problem even though usually I do come to her with whatever the
19:48
problem is, but it's more so just being able to talk out loud through something.
19:52
I mean, I even had that situation today while I was talking through something as her a
19:56
question, then I realized, you know what?
19:57
Maybe I should do, etcetera.
19:59
And then we started talking about that, and she supported what the idea was that I came up
20:03
with.
20:03
But having it in my head all day or even the past couple days that never occurred to me.
20:07
Speaking it out loud to her, it helped me sort of think through it, being able to talk about
20:12
it and think about different angles.
20:13
So having, for anyone listening, having a coach, or some kind of support, mentor,
20:18
sponsor, whatever that looks like, where you can just share whatever's going on and kind of
20:22
talk through and have somebody listen, even if they don't have all the answers, having someone
20:26
there to listen is truly important.
20:28
So that has been, again, a game changer for me.
20:30
So Shout out to Margot Geller, who is Atlanta.
20:34
Alright.
20:34
Alright.
20:35
I love it.
20:35
So what kind of personal and professional staff support does a busy boss lady need to have
20:42
around her.
20:45
Because nothing's worse than hiring folks, and then you still doing everything.
20:49
Right?
20:50
So you need done is better than perfect.
20:52
We have to remember that first of all.
20:54
Right?
20:54
So you need to get things done and maybe they're not gonna do it exactly like you would
20:58
do it, whatever that is, whether it's from social media to some kind of presentation or
21:03
anything like that.
21:04
It's not gonna be perfect.
21:05
It should be as close as possible.
21:07
Of course, everyone wants to do their best and practice excellence.
21:10
But don't get caught up in.
21:11
I'm gonna hire people, but I'm still gonna do all the things.
21:14
Successful folks, the most successful folks, know how to build their teams, how to get
21:18
support, which is what we're talking about, and how to delegate.
21:22
That is how you truly move ahead because if you are if you truly wanna be, the visionary of
21:27
your company, the person that's thinking, babe, that's you need space, mental space, physical
21:32
space, whatever space looks like for you to be able to do that and you need time But if your
21:36
time is bogged down with all the things that you hired, you know, Sarah, I have a Sarah on
21:41
my team that you hired Sarah for, What's the point?
21:43
You're not gonna be able to do the things that really speak to whatever your best skills are.
21:48
So having a team and a team that you decide to trust
21:52
Alright.
21:53
I know your book is coming out next May, but do you have a recommendation for books that are
21:58
they're good for Bauschick?
22:00
That are good for Boschick?
22:01
Let's see.
22:02
I I have oh, gosh.
22:03
I'm looking over at my bookshelf here.
22:04
So many books that are good for Boschick's, but some that I thought about for self care,
22:08
actually, or some oldies look goody, so I love Lisa Nichols.
22:12
I live for her.
22:13
And, her book abundance now is such a great book that is about this idea of course,
22:17
accepting abundance, accepting support, or realizing the universe will show up for you.
22:22
So I love abundance now.
22:23
A very oldie but goodie acts of faith Ayanne LaVonsant.
22:27
Just having something, you know, you could read, and that's on my bookshelf.
22:31
You could read every day just a check-in, just reminder, something that gets you in sort of a
22:36
daily practice.
22:37
You know, people say you should I'm sure you probably heard.
22:39
You should wake up.
22:40
You should meditate.
22:40
You should do this.
22:41
Do that.
22:42
Having something that is sort of a guide for you, like, okay.
22:44
Here's what I can do.
22:45
I can wake up and read one page of acts of faith.
22:48
I can do that.
22:48
Before the kids get up or whatever the other thing is.
22:51
So I like those 2 books as examples of things that you can use, and I actually about to read
22:55
this book called a Blessing Anita Stewart and Jacqueline Adams, and they were executives at
23:01
Google and talking about women of color working together and leading together.
23:05
I'm excited to check that out, but I think that's gonna be a good one.
23:08
I've heard a lot of good things about it.
23:09
So that's a that's a boss that's a boss lady book.
23:11
Alright.
23:12
I love it.
23:12
I love it.
23:13
Well, thank you so much, Elaine.
23:15
I appreciate you for being here.
23:17
And thank all of you for joining me tonight.
23:20
Please head over to my blog to see you as your old boss.com.
23:23
We'll have more information about all of my guests tonight.
23:26
And, certainly, I want to leave you with this.
23:28
My mission of small business chat is to end small business failure.
23:32
But here's the deal.
23:33
You never lose in business either you win or you learn.
23:37
Good night, everybody,
23:41
Thank you for listening to the Small Biz Chat podcast with Melinda Emerson.
23:46
For more resources and small business success strategies, visit succeed as your own boss.com.
23:52
Subscribe to this podcast wherever you listen to podcast and join us next Wednesday.