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Preconditions for Therapeutic Healing · Gabriel Ellis, PhD | The Curious Mind Podcast

0:02
Welcome everyone to another episode of the Curious Mind
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Podcast. My name is Gabriel Ellis, I'm a
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psychologist, A psychotherapist and a Buddhist scholar, and in
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this podcast I investigate topics that relate to healing,
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to therapy, to spirituality, or to the philosophy of mind.
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Today is another cross topic that I think includes all of
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these different aspects. I covered a similar topic some
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years ago, but I want to update it and to repeat the important
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elements today again because they are very essential and I
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think they affect many therapeutic or in general
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healing processes. The topic is what I see as the
0:55
preconditions for therapeutic healing, and this is I think
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relevant whether you do a formal therapy with someone or you are
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just generally in a therapeutic process yourself.
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So when it comes to therapy, there are so many different
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opinions, different techniques and approaches, and sometimes it
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seems like there is nothing that we can definitely say regardless
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of the circumstances. In fact, there's so many aspects
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where sometimes I'm asked is this good or is this good?
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This approach, this technique, this perspective, and very often
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I have to say well, as such I cannot say if something is good
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or not. It depends on the case and it
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depends on the life situation where someone is.
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So the question then remains is other things at all that we can
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generally say are good or beneficial.
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And this is what I want to cover today.
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In my experience, there are a few principles that we can apply
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to healing processes, again, regardless if it's in a formal
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therapeutic setting or just by myself.
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But those 3 principles that I want to discuss a little bit,
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they need to come in a package, they cannot be in isolation, and
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I hope to show also why that is necessarily the case.
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The first precondition, the first aspect of principle that I
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think is beneficial in itself in this package, is a sober and
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unbiased assessment of my life life situation, or in other
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words, an honesty and a truthfulness towards myself.
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Why? Because obviously, if I'm
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running into issues today that I cannot solve with the resources
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or the information that I have, it means that my old answers are
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not valid anymore. I need to find something new.
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I need to find inner truths that open up to myself so that I get
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more in a clearer perspective of where I should go next and what
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specifically I should do. So I need to understand more.
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I need to understand more where I am now in my life.
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I need to be honest regarding the question what is going well
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in my life and what not? Which needs I currently have,
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that I'm met, which needs I have that I'm not met.
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Which values I actually want to implement in my life.
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And I need to be honest to myself in the question.
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If I think I can do it alone, or if it's better to do it with
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somebody to open up towards dear friends, it can be a partner.
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It can be a therapeutic process with a therapist.
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The fact is that usually we are quite sloppy with ourselves.
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We without knowing it, we lie to ourselves on numerous different
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topics, sometimes very important topics.
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And often enough we do this also for a good reason.
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So, for example, if we have problems in our relationship, we
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choose to ignore the fact that we are dissatisfied now because
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acting on it might come at a hefty price.
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Often I work with couples or individuals who are in a
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relationship. They own real estate together.
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They have young kids together. To allow myself to understand
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and to see honestly that the relationship is not going well
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automatically leads to the question, OK, So what should I
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do about it? And this question, what should I
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do about it Is dangerously close to the possibility that this
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relationship might have to end. And then I'm standing there in
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precarious economic and emotional situations when it
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comes to income. When it comes to the kids, for
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example, and I might look back and think, oh, why did I open my
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mouth? Why did I say something?
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It wasn't that bad after all. So in that sense, there are good
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reasons why I sometimes am not fully aware and honest to myself
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about how the state of affair is for me.
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I gave the example of relationships.
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It's similar with work. If I am in a somewhat
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unsatisfying work situation also, then to be very honest to
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myself might lead to the question, OK, what do I need to
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change? And that might turn out to be a
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difficult proposition. And then I'm stuck there.
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I have my honesty, but I have I find no way to act on it.
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And then what? Should I be dissatisfied all the
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time? So it's a difficult proposition
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to be unbiased towards myself, to be honest, towards myself.
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But at the same time, when it comes to a therapeutic process,
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I think we need to understand and I encourage you to reflect
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critically on that. If I am not completely honest
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with myself, what are the possibilities for me actually
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healing and finding new solutions to problems that got
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me stuck? So there is a pragmatic argument
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for being unbiased, for being completely honest and truthful
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to myself, which is I need to find new information, new tools,
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new approaches in order to tackle my old or existing
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problems. This is the pragmatic aspect.
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I need to find something new. Beyond that, there's also a
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psychological aspect and a psychological reason, which is
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that if I am honest to myself, if I'm truthful to myself, that
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opens up the possible connection, the compatibility to
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aspects of myself that I don't encounter, that I don't have
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contact with. To put it differently, things
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that are stored up and suppressed in the unconscious
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become accessible to me. Maybe not immediately, but
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eventually it turns into an ad. Let me summarize it by this
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topic of being truthful to myself, this precondition for
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healing. Let me summarize it by
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formulating more clearly the challenges that it comes with.
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The first challenge is accepting what I see versus myself.
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Ideal and often enough people operate on the basis what cannot
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be true isn't true. If I find out something that
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makes me look bad in myself image, I rather don't want to
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know. This is the first challenge to
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overcome that bias, that inability to deal with finding
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out something ugly about myself. Mastering this challenge means
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to understand who I am now, what my life situation is now,
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regardless of what my ideal about myself, the relationship,
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the work situation, etcetera is. And to extend this also to the
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past, looking back to past conflicts between me and
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somebody in the family in the relationship at work or
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conflicts that I had with myself.
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And understand also retrospectively, that I was not
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fully aware of my contribution to the issue.
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There is a childish response to finding faults.
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I need to overcome that. The childish response is if I
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suffer, then it must be someone else's fault.
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So I go into blaming and an unbiased perspective that needs
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to stop. I stop blaming.
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I'm more interested in actual understanding, not in whose
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faults it is. There is also the opposite of
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that, a pseudo adult position, an attitude of oh, this is all
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my fault, the relationship issue that I have right now, my mental
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issues, separately, my work issues, everything is up to me.
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Because let's face it, there is, especially also on the social
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media realm, there is often an attitude floating around that
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you are the maker of your destiny, It's only up to you.
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So if there is fault only you are to blame.
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And this is psychologically damaging because it ignores the
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different aspects of the external influences that are
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there, The influences of economic hardship and
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restrictions, for example, the influence that other people have
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on us. To completely blame everything,
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to blame myself for everything, is psychologically unrealistic
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and therefore unhealthy. The goal is in this precondition
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to really see the things As for what they are as far as I can
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and saying this, I understand that in my future reflections I
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might thinks see things differently.
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This is why I would phrase it this principle as I don't want
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to lie to myself, I don't know what the truth is, Truth is
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difficult concept anyway. I might approach more and more
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truthfulness with time, but what I can do is catching myself in a
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lie and stopping that and facing the apparent truth at that
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situation at that time. It's the first challenge.
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Second challenge is when I find truths, when I have insights.
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Not to slip into evaluation, not to slip into judgement and the
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necessary emotional response that comes from that.
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So the insight I in certain situations I lie.
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For example, in this stage of being truthful to myself or not
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lying to myself, the inside in certain situations I lie, should
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not lead to. Oh, and that makes me sad.
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I found out that I'm a liar in many more situations than I
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thought. And this is so sad.
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And now I have to retreating to myself.
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I have to deal with my guilt and so forth.
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This is something, this evaluation, the judgement and
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the emotionality that comes out of that is something that we
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have to stop ourselves from. Because if we don't restrict it,
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the way that the mind works is automatically slipping into
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evaluation, into judgement and into emotion.
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So what we do is we consciously remind ourselves as much as we
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can, stay in the observation, stay in the observation, don't
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judge, don't evaluate, just see things for as and how they are,
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which is difficult enough. The reason behind that is, or to
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put it differently, sometimes people are, they are worried
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that OK, if I don't judge, if I don't evaluate and I find new
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things out about myself and my life situation, doesn't mean
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that I stay stuck there. Like I started this whole
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therapeutic process in order to improve, to get out of the
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suffering, to solve problems. So now you're telling me I
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shouldn't evaluate and I shouldn't judge.
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That's that doesn't make sense to me.
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The psychological response for that is again, first you need to
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find out. You need to find out what is
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there in order to base the new better actions, the new
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solutions, to base them on better information.
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I need to find out. Second first, psychologically, I
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need to accept. Why do I need to accept
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psychologically? Because I can assume that every
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one of us is more or less internally psychologically
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fragmented. Which means we identify with
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certain aspects of our of ourselves and other aspects of
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ourselves we don't like. And what happens when we don't
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like something inside our experience, we pride to push it
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away. There is a certain resentment
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and aggressive energy behind that.
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Now from the perspective of the unconscious, the unconscious is
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is just processing. The unconscious doesn't know
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good, bad, healthy, unhealthy just does what it does.
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It's a machine in that sense. What it senses though, is that
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the conscious mind that the ego doesn't like something.
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What it does then is to restrict the axis of the conscious mind
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to this thing. Basically the unconscious
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saying, OK, if you don't like what I have to say, I will stop
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mentioning that, or I will say it in a very convoluted,
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indirect way, I stop your easy access to that part.
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From our perspective, our conscious perspective, it means
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fragmentation. The unconscious took a certain
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aspect, for example me lying in on many occasions.
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It takes that aspect and puts it into a vault and says OK, you
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don't like to see it, then I will not offer it to you.
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My challenge is as the subject, the person who wants to heal,
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who wants to develop that in order to have a really
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wholesome, beneficial psychological development, I
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need to have access to all those parts in me that the unconscious
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has closed me off from. And again it did it because I
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didn't want to see it. So what I have to do connected
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with the truthfulness, The principle of truthfulness that I
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apply, is I welcome. I create an atmosphere, an inner
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atmosphere of welcoming everything that is true about
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myself. This is an essential first part.
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And once I came to a place of more or less accepting
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everything that I find. A unification takes place that
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is in itself wholesome and enables me to move forward as an
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unfragmented subject. Then applying A technique, then
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doing something about the things that I don't like is a very
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different topic, because then all of me is unified.
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Most of me, let's not be too idealistic.
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Most of me is unified, ready to move in a direction without
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friction, without backfiring, without being too blinded about
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the aspects that are closed off for me.
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If I try to move on without this basic acceptance, only very few
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parts of me will want to move on.
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All those other aspects that the unconscious has blocked up for
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me will stay fragmented, will stay separated, and they will
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effectively make it impossible For those few other aspects that
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want to move forward, they will make it impossible to move
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forward. I can simply not surgically
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separate myself and the parts that want to develop and to heal
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and to be brave and to know. And so all of these I cannot
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surgically sever, I cannot surgically separate them from
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those aspects that have been suppressed, fragmented and
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isolated. There is one small exception
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that I would make in the therapeutic reality.
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Sometimes people are in a lot of pain.
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They suffer a lot from an acute crisis, for example, or from a
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chronic depression, for example, or chronic pain and anxiety that
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really holds them back and reduces their quality of life in
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a way that they have difficulties to function at all.
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Under these circumstances, it's good to push a healing, a
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development that is even against the parts that have been
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suppressed. This is difficult, to do it in a
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sustainable way. But it is possible for a short
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period of time to stabilize my state of mind, to stabilize the
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clients, to help them to move into temporarily into a
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healthier place out of which they can form again.
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Reflect better. So that they are not constantly,
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constantly held back and absorbed by their pain.
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By all those thoughts that they have.
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By them blaming the guilt, the hopelessness, the desperation,
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the numbness. And so on, because in order to
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move on, we need to have those resources, we need to feel
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relatively good about ourselves. So in those situations, those
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periods of crisis, I would say there is an exceptional
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exception to the rule that I first need to integrate all
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those parts together before I move on.
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In those cases, I move on, leaving some parts behind in the
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hopes that the short term improvement gives me resources
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to then collect myself to then integrate the other parts that
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have been fragmented and separated.
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The third challenge that I have with this principle is that what
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looks as an honest and truthful observation can lead to an
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automatic mindset of self destruction.
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What I mean with that is when I think that I'm just looking at
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myself and my life in a sober way, and even, for example, me
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as a therapist, I ask them, so are you just observing or are
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you judging yourself? They might honestly say I'm no,
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actually. I'm just observing what they
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don't realize that very often in what comes in a package of
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supposedly sober and objective observation, there is subtle
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undertone of negativity, of repulsion, of resentment that is
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included in that, and we cannot help it.
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It's connected with what it's automatically, somehow in the
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package of honest observation that is a slight negativity.
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What we do to counteract that is we induce positivity into the
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process of honest observation in order to make sure that there is
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no subtle negativity. The subtle negativity will hold
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us back. It will make it very difficult
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to a observe BB to change. So what we do there is we do a
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benevolent acceptance, a benevolent, objective
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observation, And this actually leads me to the second
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principle. So here we leave behind the
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truthfulness as an aspect, as a precondition, and it leads to
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the second part, which is benevolence and goodwill towards
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myself and others. And here I hope you already see
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how at least those first two principles, those preconditions,
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they are connected. If I focus too much on the pure
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truthfulness, honesty, sobriety, objectivity, I will overlook the
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subtle negativity that comes with it, and that will block my
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process. So it necessitates.
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It requires the second principle of benevolence and goodwill
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towards myself and towards others, towards this whole
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endeavour, to make sure that what I find out is imbued with
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an energy that allows me to continue.
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So. This is a protective shield
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against the subtle negative aspects of being truthful to
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myself, and a benevolence and positivity will additionally
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open up other inner resources. The resources that allow me to
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invite those fragmented aspects, those closed off suppressed
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aspects, to invite them to the table so that they're all start
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to connect, to mingle, to relate to each other and thus become
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fluid and changeable. Also here we have challenges,
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and I could identify three major challenges with this
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precondition of benevolence and goodwill towards myself.
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The 1st is that people, especially when they are not in
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a good place, they don't think that they deserve to be liked or
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to be loved, or if they are in a state of blaming others for the
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predicament, they don't think that they deserve the goodwill
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and the benevolence. What people do when they are in
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such a stage of finding themselves not deserving to be
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loved is that they misunderstand benevolence as a concept.
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They think that benevolence is a limited resource.
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They treat it as a resource that, you know, some sort of a
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tension that they that is limited when we deal with
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outside outside forces. And they don't see that when it
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comes to the inner logic, the Netherlands has an is required
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in an unlimited way to deserve love is a thinking of objective
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social realities. Somebody deserves payment
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because they have done well When it comes about being loved,
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being respected, being valued, this is not something that
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depends on deserving. So then people say, OK, but
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look, I observed myself. I found out that I'm not a good
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person. In fact, this is what I've been
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thinking for a long time. I cannot turn myself into
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someone who believes that I deserve this.
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The misunderstanding here is that it's not about myself.
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It's more a perspective on humanity in general, on people
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in general. And when I think about anyone
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who is in pain, anyone who is struggling, who wants to heal,
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who wants to improve themselves, I think that as a general
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attitude, the response of the heart is that I wish them well.
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If I hear that someone has been a bad person but they're on the
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path of recovery, I wish them well.
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Maybe there is a resentment, and I think they should pay for what
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they've done in any in some way. But the heart, it cannot help
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but to feel sorry for someone truly wants to improve.
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So this is the base. This is what I'm basing myself
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on. This is what I'm basing my
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benevolence on, on a general attitude, on the value that if
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someone wants to heal, if someone wants to improve, if
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someone wants to get out of suffering, I support them.
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And because of this general attitude, because I would treat
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friends like this, strangers like this.
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Because of that, I treat myself as well, in a benevolent way.
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I comment my wish to better myself, to heal.
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I comment on it with a resounding yes, I wish myself
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well, just as I would wish a friend well or a stranger who
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tries to improve themselves. A second challenge is so this
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was the first challenge of people who think that they don't
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deserve to be better. We have to overcome that.
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Obviously. The second challenge that many
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people express is that they don't don't have time or money
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for this process. I don't have the money for
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therapy or I don't have the time because of my to do is my
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responsibilities and obligations, neither for therapy
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nor for thinking freely or reading or, you know, talking to
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friends. And by that, when we have this
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kind of attitude of limited resources, something that I
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already mentioned, I mistake my allocation of resources for
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obligations to do career goals and so on.
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I mistake that for what I need to or how I need to approach
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myself. So there is a conventional
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logic. The conventional logic is I just
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don't have time for certain things, which is true for
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outward for conventional reality.
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But there is a logic of the subjective spirit.
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And the logic of the subjective spirit is that if the mind is
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not loved, is not supported, is not benevolently acted upon,
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this mind is confused, it's insecure, it will look outward
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for support, it will be needy, it will be dependent on others
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to get value to get positivity, and it will be depressed
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eventually. So when we look at the logic of
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the subjective spirit, not the conventional reality that is
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true for the outside, it becomes clear that I simply have no
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alternative, and it's not a matter of time.
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It's not a matter of resources. If I don't act upon myself, if I
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don't address my wishes for well-being with an attitude of
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benevolence, I will simply have very little chance to bring
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about a change. That, after all, is supposed to
30:30
improve my quality of life. So the challenge is to overcome
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the attitude that I don't have time to focus on these things.
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There is no alternative. If I don't do it, I will be
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confused and not being able. I will not be able even to
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address my daily obligations properly.
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I will just lose and dissipate energy that I don't even have
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any more. So there is no alternative.
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And by the way, it's not necessarily a question of
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putting a lot of time into it. It's really more an insight that
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then might even act on autopilot, so that it adds
31:15
benevolence and positivity to many other mental activities
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that I automatically act on. There's a third challenge when
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it comes to benevolence and goodwill towards myself, which
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is that people, they say I don't know how I tried this technique.
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There is loving kindness meditation.
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I tried affirmations of in the morning, you know, standing in
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front of the mirror and telling me myself 10 times that I'm
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worthy, capable, lovable, and so on.
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And here is a fundamental misunderstanding of what
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actually goodwill towards myself, positivity towards
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myself means again. What it should be and what
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reflects the inner truth is that people who don't have that, they
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feel negativity towards themselves.
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Meaning if I'm not positive towards myself, I will have
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feelings of guilt, of self criticism and so on.
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So there is something in the mind.
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It can be actual thoughts. I'm stupid, I'm an idiot.
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It might be feelings that are representations of these
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thoughts and attitudes, but it's not true that the opposite has
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the same form. Positivity does not have the
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form of I am great, the the thoughts of I'm perfect, I'm
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totally worthy. The opposite of having negative
32:46
thoughts is the absence of negative thoughts.
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So someone who is content with themselves, someone who would
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qualify from an outside observation of someone who
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really treats themselves well and respect themselves.
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If we ask them, what is your attitude to yourself?
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Do you love yourself? Actually, they would have to
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answer truthfully. I don't know what you mean.
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I'm just living my life. Like I have issues.
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I have to deal with work, I have to deal with career and so on.
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Yeah, I don't judge myself. I don't hate myself.
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But it does not mean that I wake up in the morning and want to
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hug myself. And you know, I look in the
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mirror and I fall in love with the person that that is.
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That is a misunderstanding of the concept of self love.
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What it actually means is that whatever I do has an
33:45
undercurrent of confidence, belief of worthiness, but it
33:52
usually doesn't emanate. It doesn't come up as a distinct
33:57
thought that I'm super proud of myself, that I love myself, and
34:00
so on. This is much more compensation
34:03
for people, and it can be, for a while, a good tool.
34:08
It's a compensation for people who actually suffer from
34:11
criticizing themselves, hating themselves and so on.
34:20
And technical aspect of what is necessary in order to really
34:26
implement benevolence and goodwill towards myself is to
34:33
observe what is going on inside of me, to detect what is
34:39
negative, to detect criticism, to detect pain and so on, And
34:44
then to own it. What I mean is that usually when
34:49
I look inside myself and I find critical voices, things that I
34:52
don't like and so on, they seem very rigid.
34:55
They seem as if they are forced upon me or forced upon me by my
35:01
unconscious that I'm thrown into it.
35:04
But basically it is not me. It feels alien, feels like a
35:08
negative kind of attachment to myself that has been attached
35:14
not by me but by my unconscious, by circumstances, by other
35:18
people. Like my parents, for example,
35:22
taught me to only be satisfied myself when I achieved the best
35:28
results in school, university, and so on.
35:31
So this is what I do know with myself.
35:33
But it's the fault of my parents, right?
35:35
So it's I externalize, and even if I don't do that, those
35:40
aspects, they just feel alien to me.
35:43
Those voices that keep hammering the negative self judgement on
35:48
me, They seem alien to me. I want to get rid of them then
35:52
doesn't feel like me. What I need to do with the
35:57
practice of benevolence and goodwill is to see those inner
36:01
aspects of judgements, feelings, moods, words, sentences and so
36:07
on. And I make them mine.
36:10
I regard them. I see them with an attitude of
36:17
this is surely part of me. I can have access to it.
36:22
This is me. This is part of me that makes
36:25
this judgement. So what seems as alien?
36:30
Actually I in this practice I reown.
36:35
I did it to myself based on circumstances in the past.
36:40
The result was pain. I pushed away the pain.
36:43
It seems alien. And now I need to reverse that.
36:47
How this is me, without knowing it, I'm creating those
36:50
judgments. Without knowing it, without
36:52
knowing how I create moods, emotions, and so on.
36:56
They're not negative. And so I reverse that.
37:03
And it's difficult to express. People who meditate, they know
37:08
this process. I reverse that by approaching an
37:13
attitude of I don't know how, but this is me.
37:17
It's just a statement. What is again important here is
37:24
that I do that without judgment. What I mean with that is often
37:30
enough. This is very little of what I'm
37:34
saying here is new. Maybe the connections I make are
37:37
somewhat novel. Often enough in spirituality,
37:39
people say, yeah, this is your mind, you need to take
37:42
responsibility for it. Everything that happens within
37:44
you, like I said, said in the beginning, is you.
37:47
So you're responsible. You're to blame for whatever is
37:50
happening inside of you. This attitude comes with a
37:54
judgement. So you're bad if you did not
37:57
achieve positivity yet, if you didn't achieve unification of
38:01
your mind. Yet this is what we leave
38:03
behind. This is completely incompatible
38:06
with an attitude of benevolence. What I do instead is I look
38:12
inside myself, I see the aspects that are rigid, that don't seem
38:17
to be me. For example, the voices, I'm
38:19
bad, I'm negative, and so on. I approach them with
38:22
benevolence. This is the big difference.
38:25
I don't approach them with the judgement of I need to control
38:29
it or I need to get rid of this. I approach it with surely you
38:35
you separated, fragmented, rigid aspect.
38:38
Surely you are me and I don't know how I did it, but I
38:41
separated you from me. I want to get close to you
38:45
again. In fact you are part of me and
38:52
when I do this successfully and with some practice, I will get
38:58
an inner intuition of how to do this.
39:00
What was rigid, what was external in my inside world?
39:05
Those thoughts, feelings, moods and so on.
39:07
Suddenly they became become semi transparent or they become
39:13
fluid, they become accessible and with that they change the
39:18
nature. What seemed rigid, judgmental,
39:22
harsh and so on suddenly becomes accessible and the underlying
39:30
resentment that is implied in the rigid alien feeling aspect
39:37
that disappears and suddenly it opens up for example
39:41
possibilities to look back and to see situations where I judge
39:45
myself harshly or I other judge me and so on.
39:48
It becomes effectively a magic box.
39:52
Now there is the danger of idealizing what I say right now.
39:56
And to think, Oh yes, the spiritual journey, the
39:59
therapeutic journey is full of wonders and so on.
40:01
I really mean it in a very factual sense.
40:06
There is a technical aspect of approaching my alienated parts
40:11
with humility, with compassion, with benevolence, and then those
40:16
aspects are changing. It doesn't have to be
40:21
accompanied by a real insight. Some people don't feel very
40:28
consciously the fluidity, the flexibility, the transparency
40:34
that comes with this shift and approaching those alien parts.
40:41
But they later report that they feel fine.
40:44
So what I'm saying is more a look behind the curtain.
40:47
For some people it is very conscious what is happening.
40:50
For some people it's even accompanied with a sense of
40:54
wonder and awe of how a different approach towards
40:58
myself can lead to such a different outcome.
41:02
But for some people it is not necessarily so.
41:06
What is nonetheless necessary in either of those cases is that I
41:12
stay firm in my benevolence. I stay firm in my wish for
41:17
myself to be well, to be free of pain, to heal, to feel better,
41:24
to be better adjusted, or whatever word form you want to
41:28
put it. And this leads actually into the
41:34
third aspect. The third aspect is taking
41:37
responsibility for what I found. And this is such an important
41:45
aspect of the benevolence that I mentioned before, The active
41:49
aspect of benevolence, the taking responsibility for
41:53
finding something that I don't accept, that I resent on the
41:58
inside to act on it with benevolence.
42:01
It is so important that benevolence and taking
42:05
responsibility become intrinsically connected.
42:08
And here again you see an aspect of why I said in the beginning
42:12
that those 3 aspects come in a package.
42:15
I cannot do just benevolence if I don't take responsibility for
42:20
what I found. I cannot do just honesty without
42:25
being benevolent because of the undercurrent resentment that
42:28
comes with an overly sober or pseudo objective approach.
42:34
So This is why the three of them come in a package.
42:37
So this third aspect of taking responsibility and applying what
42:43
I found, this is the aspect of change.
42:48
Now this needs an attitude of courage.
42:53
Courageous I have to be, because taking responsibility always
42:57
puts me in a certain dilemma. It empowers me, but it gives me
43:03
the responsibility of foreseeing or accepting the consequences of
43:09
my actions. And I have to add the
43:13
consequences of my non actions for whatever I do.
43:18
I pay a price. I pay a price for staying the
43:21
same. I pay a price for changing.
43:28
Let's say in my sober observation, I found out that my
43:33
relationship is not doing well. I approach the parts that I've
43:36
suppressed about myself, about my partner with benevolence.
43:41
I've done that. I'm acting on it in the sense
43:44
that I'm willing to integrate. And now the question comes up.
43:49
Do I want to change my communication with my partner?
43:54
Is it in spite of the benevolence and the acceptance?
43:58
Is it beyond the point of repair?
44:00
Is this what my honest analysis comes to?
44:03
Or are there good reasons to continue the relationship?
44:09
Are there good reasons to continue the relationship
44:11
without saying anything? And all of this might be true in
44:17
depending on the case. What I have to do is to
44:21
understand that for doing something, saying something, not
44:25
doing something, not saying something, that all of them come
44:29
with a possible price and I need to ask myself which price am I
44:33
rather willing to pay. And this is the difficult job of
44:38
responsibility. Now that would be maybe easy
44:43
enough and certain isolated topics, but the more
44:48
encompassing I make my investigation about my life and
44:52
applying responsibility for that for the outcomes of my
44:59
investigations, you see that suddenly the list of taking
45:03
responsibility can come quite long and about very important
45:08
aspects of my life. And here again, I really, truly
45:13
need my honest assessment, my truthfulness and a very healthy
45:20
dosage of the Netherlands towards myself and others.
45:24
Otherwise I would not have the resources, the capabilities to
45:29
deal with all those responsibilities that I have
45:35
seen, that I want to own. The same is I'm dealing off with
45:42
relationships, but with work or with my private life, with
45:46
friendships and so on. The second challenge here is
45:52
that taking responsibility stands somewhat in a conflict
45:57
with my objective reasoning. When I look at my situation
46:03
objectively, I my tendency is to say, look, I'm not responsible
46:09
for everything. They they have their parents,
46:12
they have been socio economic situations, They have been
46:16
political realities. How is it that I am supposed to
46:20
take responsibility for what I have found changing it within
46:24
myself and neglecting or ignoring those outside
46:30
circumstances? And here we are in a certain
46:34
dilemma between the outside objective reality and the logic
46:39
of the subjective spirit. Again, we come again and again.
46:42
When we are on a healing journey, on a therapeutic
46:46
journey or a spiritual journey. We come again and again to this
46:51
division line between an outside world that has its logic and an
46:56
inside world that has its logic. And both are separate.
47:00
On the outside level there is something like a society.
47:04
There are political structures. There are laws.
47:07
There are ways to communicate differently.
47:09
There are the responsibilities of, of the OR the contributions
47:13
of others to the way that I think and feel.
47:16
That is all correct. But psychologically and
47:20
spiritually, I need to approach those topics as if it is in my
47:28
full hands. Again, not in the sense of
47:32
controlling, not in the sense of judging myself for not being
47:40
able to access those pods and change them.
47:43
But I need to attribute to myself a potential to access all
47:49
of those pods, to infuse them with positivity and benevolence,
47:55
and to make them part of my journey.
47:58
This is psychologically what? Or spiritually, if you will,
48:03
What is absolutely necessary? It is necessary in therapy.
48:06
It is necessary when I encounter any obstacles in my meditation
48:11
practice. So again, as I said before, in
48:17
the aspect of benevolence, I look at things as this is me,
48:22
this is mine, and because this is mine, this is changeable.
48:27
And what is changeable? What is changeable is my
48:31
reactions to what I find. For example, I find a feeling of
48:38
negativity towards my parents, towards the world, towards
48:42
myself. I cannot immediately change
48:46
that. There is no button that I can
48:49
press that turns a negative feeling into a positive feeling.
48:51
What I can do is I change the way that I react to it and I put
48:58
it in a little bit cliche but maybe simple terms.
49:02
I see this feeling and I approach it with I don't
49:06
understand you yet, but you are part of me.
49:08
I want to relate to you. Come closer to me, I will hold
49:12
you or take me to where you are coming from so that I understand
49:20
because I want to stay connected to you.
49:22
This means this is the practical application of taking
49:27
responsibility for what I have found and following such a
49:32
feeling I will develop compassion and empathy for it,
49:39
understanding. Oh, I engaged, I started, I free
49:45
willingly got into a relationship that was difficult
49:49
because because I wanted to be loved, I wanted to be feel that
49:54
I'm accepted by anyone. I was that desperate at the
49:57
time, and so I have compassion to myself.
50:01
I develop compassion with my partner, who has their own
50:06
struggle, who has no way to know me better.
50:10
And now a path opens up for OK, what do I want to do with it?
50:15
First, about myself, my understanding, my new
50:18
understanding of this feeling, approach it with positivity.
50:23
And now I have the possibilities to talk, to act, to not talk, to
50:27
not act. This is what taking
50:31
responsibility means. This is from the perspective of
50:36
the subject, and there is the perspective of the unconscious.
50:40
Again, if it is approached by me like that, that I want to
50:45
connect, that I want to be part of it, that it's a
50:48
collaboration, benevolent collaboration, it will become
50:52
transparent. It will become fluid towards me.
50:55
It will become more accessible. The inner world will open up to
51:01
me. And this, after all, is what
51:05
this journey is supposed to be. The journey of healing, the
51:09
therapeutic or even spiritual journey, is supposed to lead to
51:15
and be accompanied by a transparency and openness
51:21
towards myself. So I hope you enjoyed my
51:28
deliberations and my observations about the
51:32
precondition preconditions for therapeutic healing, which are
51:36
in order to summarize again a sober and unbiased assessment
51:42
towards my life, towards myself, a benevolence and goodwill
51:47
towards myself and others, and taking responsibility for what I
51:52
have found out. Thank you and see you next time.