Latest / The Uncommons / What We Actually Need in a Long-Term Partner | Ep13
Transcript
- speaker-0: what really makes a man or a woman worthy of building a life with. speaker-1: I grew up with my parents fighting all the time and that is the last thing I wanted. speaker-0: Audacity. shows me a list of all the criteria he has for an ideal partner and a list of women that are actively in his life, me included. speaker-1: Intelligence was so much more important to me that I knew and I realized I would get bored. speaker-0: feeling stuck in a relationship that was not working, feeling trapped. I realized that my list was a little off what I had in my mind. speaker-1: Authenticity, to be real, to be themselves, not to be moved up and down by other people and what happens in the environment. speaker-0: If a man wants to make sense of it with his mind, we don't make sense. So he will be confused for the rest of his life. speaker-1: But at the end of the day we agree that you're nuts. speaker-0: We did not agree on that. Hi everyone, welcome to the Uncommon, where we challenge the ordinary and explore what it really takes to build a meaningful life. I'm Parisa. And today we're going to talk about a subject that's very dear to me because I've spent a lot of time and energy and effort exploring it. And that is what really makes a man or a woman speaker-1: Page. speaker-0: worthy of building a life with. speaker-1: Ooh. Sounds pretty intense. Shit. Even for a trauma guy. It's just pretty fucking traumatizing. All right. Woo. ⁓ gotta get myself ready for this. Okay, good. speaker-0: Intense. Most people, me included, have a list of what, at least in their mind, of what they think they want in a partner. And then when they're young, they start exploring and soon realize that their list is not maybe so viable and what they need does not match what they thought they wanted. When I was 20 years old, I had a list of what I thought I wanted in a man. speaker-1: Ooh, I can't wait to hear this. Alright. speaker-0: And it was all butterflies and all like being so close and lovey-dovey and I realized very soon that my list was not based on reality of the world. speaker-1: You mean I'm not butterflies? speaker-0: I mean, some to somewhat, but yeah. came back, butterflies came back later. But at the moment when I was 20, I realized after getting married at 22 and four and a half years later of feeling stuck in a relationship that was not working and feeling trapped, I realized that my list was a little off what I had in my mind that I wanted and what I needed. were very different. So what I did was that I sat down and I wrote a list of everything that was not working in that relationship and whatever I did not need from a man, I wrote it all down, and I drew a line in the middle and the other side, I just wrote the opposite of each one and I figured that would be what I need, right? Makes sense. And then I tested it. a few times, like, gaged it against, like, dating and real life and made some tweaks. And then I wrote a full list of what I really wanted and needed, which you've seen the list. I've read it to you. Carbon copy of you when I met you. Very... You remember the list, don't you? So it worked. It really worked. But I had to really go through the pain of realizing what I had in my mind, which was all the butterflies and love and attached, being attached together all the fucking time, was a little bit not working, you know? And a lot of it is because I built an image of a perfect man from a father that I barely knew and a hundred movies that all promoted love and fiction, which all of it was lies. So no wonder. My image of what I wanted in a perfect man was a little... not realistic. speaker-1: It's funny you say that. Cause I did the same exact thing. ⁓ you've seen my list. You saw my list, right? No. So so the same thing. I I never got married. I I I never thought I would be married to a married woman. but my list came a few years later in life than you. ⁓ but I really went to speaker-0: You Never It's not a married woman. A lot more experiment to figure out what you don't want. speaker-1: Yeah, I mean men are men are not as smart as women, so I needed lot more subject matter to make sure I understand, you know, exactly where things lie. And and really I I took stuff from a relationship relationship that hurt me or that it's what happened to my life through my parents and what I didn't want and what I wanted and didn't believe in marriage. We talked about that before. And ⁓ Just ⁓ all these things and I came up with like who's an ideal woman and and then I went and I ranked these things. speaker-0: the ranking ⁓ my god i remember that we were dating and this guy the audacity he shows me a list of all the criteria he has for an ideal partner and a list of women that are actively in his life me included ⁓ speaker-1: Yeah, I rank You forgot about that? I forgot about that. Yeah, you ranked highest. I'm like, that's the bitch I want. No. No, it was so there. speaker-0: How did I put up with you? speaker-1: So the ranking, I'm a physician by trade. Like we s examine a patient, like, I think this is what you got. I'm pretty sure it's you got, but let me get an MRI or a CT or whatever, just to make sure that you know, I'm right. Like just like a a backup plan. Okay, like like I gotta make sure that you know. So ⁓ their ranking was a backup plan. Uh-huh. I had already worked for a long time to create you. And I worked with my spiritual coach and really truly ever I I that's what I always talk about. I created my wife because I visualized and I imagined and and whatever I visualize and imagine really was very similar to the criteria and their ranking. ⁓ because I think down deep inside you really know what what what you want, even though you have these fantasies of you know what things except the ass. I mean the ass is not a fantasy. Ass is like the number one ranking of anything ever in in life. But speaker-0: I have a saying that the world revolves around. Go ahead. speaker-1: Yeah, so I mean I always say my wife was My idea of a perfect relationship was a relationship that had no fights because I grew up in fights and I grew up with my parents fighting all the time and that is the last thing I wanted. And ⁓ and that reason that I didn't want to be married because was because I thought that's what marriage is, fighting. speaker-0: Any conflict? Conflict. With an alarm. speaker-1: Yeah, so anything any kind of conflict showed up, I ran away. I was just and most of these women had no idea why, like because I think conflict is a normal part of people's lives. But I was so segregated and I fe I I I thought perfection exists. Not that you're not perfect, but now I learned that perfection is the lowest bar because you'll never get there. speaker-0: So we both had this image of what we thought we wanted in a relationship at 20 years old. And as soon as we experienced real committed relationships, I mean, for you not so committed, but for me. speaker-1: I had a common relationships at the beginning. Yeah. When I was na naive and stupid. speaker-0: Then we realized that it's far from reality and the reality hit and you ran away and I kind of got stuck in it for a while. What really changed my perspective was being married, living with someone for four and a half years and realizing how a wrong relationship would feel and going from there, what was the turning point for you? speaker-1: Men are more physical. Right. And the first time I fell in love really, I had a girlfriend for three, four years, right at the be right when I started ⁓ in in college. It was really sweet and cute and all that stuff. But it was I I didn't it was not even love. I I mean I I cared for her, I loved her, but she we were just kinda more of a like a friend kind of a thing. But I mean we're we're together. But but the first time I fell in love, but I think I was a it was like puppy love, you know, and I f met went ⁓ fell in love with someone who was older than me. Eight years older than me. And at one point I I'm like who cares about age? You know, what you know, that you know, all this fantasy stuff. I was twenty four years old, she's thirty one years old and ⁓ speaker-0: Doctor's mask, you know. Go ahead. speaker-1: What? Thirty two? No, she was no, I was younger, so I was ⁓ we were eight years apart and and she was thirty one. Mm-hmm. Okay, so doesn't matter. That was twenty three. I realized that I need to be consistent, so I've c consistently kept that thirty one year year old woman in my life for decades now. So ⁓ you know, now we're getting a little bit ⁓ you know, moving up in age, so ⁓ which is fine. I think it's speaker-0: You're grown. speaker-1: I've grown. I've I've grown. I've went from thirty one to thirty seven ⁓ when I'm almost sixty. I mean you know, but speaker-0: ⁓ They say men never grow, they're wrong. speaker-1: At some point. But anyhow, ⁓ and then I at one point I I I realized that the number one thing that she's super hot and attractive and and that was like huge and everything else was like whatever. Right. And I realized that intelligence was so much more important to me that I knew and I realized. Wow. Because I would get bored. Like I would date this, you know, attractive women, and I'm like, fuck. You know, it's like ⁓ great, you know, two weeks out, three weeks out, four weeks out of then what? Like it was just like and I realized I need stimulation. And then it grew to be a point that I and I'm like, I'm never gonna be married to anyone or have a long term relationship if I'm not stimulated. If somebody is not smart enough, or I hate to say the word smart, but i it at least keep me stimulated. You know, I'm sure there's a lot more smarter guys than me in this world. ⁓ but For me that became something so important because I would get turned off. The attraction would completely dissolve if I didn't feel like there's a ⁓ mental stimulation there. speaker-0: close in. So now, after nine years of being married, being together, do you think there is intelligence still on your list? Like if you were to pick three things. speaker-1: ⁓ a hundred percent. One hundred percent. Like I thank God every day that you're so smart and you're educated. And it doesn't have to do with education. It's just like even now I get frustrated with certain things. I'm like, fuck, you know, how can you But I ca I can't even imagine if you were you know and you were brilliantly smart. speaker-0: So tell me three things. Your top, after all these years, all the one million women that you dated and then getting married and nine years of this and all the ups and downs and everything, not to lecture anybody, not to give it like a TED talk or anything like that, but if you were to pinpoint three things that would be really valuable in a woman, what would you say? What is that? speaker-1: Authenticity to be authentic, to be real, to be themselves, to not it not to be moved up and down by other people and what happens in the environment. I just find that so beautiful in you. Right? I I mean you're surrounded with with women that have wealth and they wear this bag and that bag and just like other stuff that I fucking hate. And the fact that it doesn't doesn't move you. Y your authentic and who you are s is huge. speaker-0: Where else does authenticity show up? speaker-1: It comes up everywhere from the way you you raise our kids, which I think being a great mom is another point, but it's almost like authent authenticity, right? Is they're all they're all kinda connected. ⁓ you great raise our kids because of your your intelligence and the amount of love and compassion you have inside of you. Right? So it's just not one I'm sorry, I can't I can't do three. I can't do three. There's there's there's speaker-0: But I think the authenticity that you're saying, if a woman is authentic to her true essence, she can also hold stronger boundaries that protects her family. speaker-1: Yeah, ⁓ absolutely. speaker-0: That will keep whatever needs to be kept away away to be able to raise the family to be able to like be present and and take this family where it needs to be rather than being pulled into different directions speaker-1: Yeah. And and another thing, I mean there's s there's so many, but the things that are like like ⁓ makes our relationship work is your your wisdom. Like wisdom. Like men are fucking dumb, you know. But the the problem is that women don't take advantage of that. Right? And a wise woman knows when to you know, when to shut up, when you know, when l let the guy be a guy. And and the fact that you get into your femininity, I think wise women speaker-0: your fence gentlemen. speaker-1: are able to get into the feminine and allow the man to be masculine. There's a lot of things that I think make a relationship work and everything's different for different people. Yeah, but for me I told I told you I think physical attraction is still there. It has to be not like I mean it's top for me. Like I need to be attracted. I find you stunningly beautiful and just I'm turned on by you all the time. But I could tell you that if you weren't wise speaker-0: Right. I mean for you. speaker-1: And if you didn't have this this femininity about you, or if you didn't have the authenticity about you or your intelligence, your physical appearance would go out the door. And the way you you raise children are are children. There's nothing to a man more important that they had don't have to worry every day that what my kids are doing. speaker-0: the rest. speaker-1: How they're raised and what they're doing and what's happening, because you know that is sh your wife is watching over them like a hawk and her internal belief. Actually, I thought about this discussion today, internal belief of what you have and knowing that we are in line on how we raise our children and you raising because the mother, the mother raises the the child. Like I try to be around, but they don't really need me as much. Yeah. Yeah, it's or they do or you know, my three year old does not, my six year old now my my eight year old is now a lot more needs me a lot more. I feel ⁓ I feel it, but the fact that we're aligned on how we wanna raise our children is probably the most important thing right now because ⁓ when when you have kids then they become your number one priority and and we have friends that The wife is trying to become a nurse. And he's a and he's a manly guy at home trying to take care of the kids and the mom is not available there and priorities are not there. You know, it's it's it's devastating. You know, and I and I see it n in in in in all all across, like so when your values are aligned, your values are aligned as a couple, right? I think it it it it penetrates into all of these systems that we talked about, attraction, intelligence, authenticity, ⁓ wisdom completely different than my criteria at the age of twenty or thirty forty but but really aligned with my ranking system. speaker-0: or 30. in the of them. ⁓ speaker-1: Seriously. You know, like like i I had it right. Like I think the number one thing on my ranking was good mother. Besides attraction was a good mother. Yeah, it's like if I'm gonna get married, if I'm gonna have a lifetime r ⁓ experience with someone, I want them to be a great mother to my children. Thank God thank God we're so blessed with the kids and the family that we have and and I think those criteria that I I thought are important. speaker-0: Yeah, I remember that. speaker-1: ⁓ has been important and has made us in this unit that everything else outside could whatever happens, this unit is there, it's getting stronger, more powerful. Our ⁓ so that's what I think. Okay. I mean a good sex life. I mean ⁓ I forgot forgot about that. speaker-0: No, that was, if it didn't come up up to this point, like 30 minutes in, it probably is not top priority. Sorry. You cannot take the time back. For me, after all the years of putting it together, I think one of the most important things in a man is accountability and the ability to be able to own his own. speaker-1: I'm sorry. Fine. speaker-0: circumstances. And yes, being a provider comes from that. Being able to, ⁓ even if he's going... through financial crisis or family problems or health problems, whatever is happening in his world, he can stand up and own it and understand that he is in charge and responsible for what's happening around him rather than pointing finger and saying, well, it's because of the economy or because of the president or Trump did that or my parents or whatever else is happening in the outside world to just have the ability to own his circumstances. I think that's the most important in a man. So I think a man that can own up everything that's going on in his world is really, it's not easy, but I think it's rare. Unfortunately, either it takes a lot of experiences or it takes some sort of upbringing. I don't know where it comes from, but I... I think it's very rare. Even if he's going through hard times, he knows that he can change it. He can turn it around. Maybe self-confidence in a way, but I call it accountability. The second thing that I think most attractive in a man and make him a good partner long-term is as masculine as he is to have access to his feminine side and to emotions. because I mean, you are a very masculine man. And if somebody has watched our episodes, you have cried here more than I have so far. So just having access to your feminine side and to your emotions, it really helps because I think if a man doesn't have access to his feminine side and to his emotions, it becomes really hard for him to understand women. speaker-1: I have not scribbled. speaker-0: because we do have a little more emotional. ups and downs and access to our emotions. And if a man wants to make sense of it with his mind, we don't fucking make sense. So he will be confused for the rest of his life. And if for a woman, if a man doesn't have any access to his emotions, he feels like an iron box that you cannot open, you cannot penetrate, you don't know what to do with them. And then the woman feels unheard and unseen and he feels confused and nothing makes sense. that she's fucking nuts because she has emotions and he doesn't. So they just miss each other and it's a source of a lot of resentment, a lot of women's complain that he doesn't see me, he doesn't understand me and a lot of men's complains that they're frustrated because they don't understand where all those emotions are coming from. I mean even for you with the access that you do have to your emotions sometimes I might feel a little... ⁓ nuts but nuts speaker-1: For a little what? Did you guys hear that? My wife is admitting that she's nuts. ⁓ baby, I'm not disagreeing with you. I'm just I'm just reaffirming very rare, rare cases on Monday, Wednesday, Fridays, and some Saturdays and and Sunday afternoons. speaker-0: Sometimes. randomly But it helps that you can understand emotions to an extent. Not fully, but I you have some limited access to your feminine side. I think it helps a lot. you imagine if you didn't, then how it would feel. You can't make sense of it, right? mean, emotions are not supposed to be made sense of. Period. speaker-1: Yeah. Yeah, I've learned that. I've been to school for that. Yeah. But for the men out there, it is not unreachable. Because it's not that I woke up one day and I was way in tune with my feminine side. I mean I I kinda was ⁓ I I could have been, but I've been trained. I've been trained, so I've speaker-0: Thanks to all the million women that you went through. speaker-1: No, no, but like I'm talking about Scion or Tony Robin or all or or my coaches and all this stuff. It's like it's just like there's a way to understand these creatures that ⁓ are beautiful and then inside is speaker-0: lovable, you know, and then speaker-1: I mean I was a ⁓ I was actually warned by one of our common coaches that don't look at her, she looks like a little cute little kitty cat. Her fangs will come out and sh take your face off in two seconds. I'm like, ⁓ She said that clearly. ⁓ speaker-0: That is not true. But the times don't come out that often. They only come out when you deserve it. Anyhow. I think one more thing that is very underrated and nobody talks about that really determines the longevity of a relationship is that a person would have access to their speaker-1: Go ahead. speaker-0: internal self, whatever is going on internally. I'm going to tell you a story that happened yesterday. I had a call with my spiritual coach, which does a lot of meditation and healing through that. And she asked me, what was the last time that you were upset and like a little bit triggered? And I said, well, last night, because my husband was in the room laying on the floor and I kept telling him, get up and leave the room. And he kept like just ignoring me and playing with the and I was about to put the kids to bed and they were getting pumped up and excited and instead of being calm before bed they were just like jumping up and down and I kept telling him just get up and leave the room so I can put him to sleep and he just wouldn't do it and no no no no wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait So we went into meditative state and she took me through the process and then she's like now what images comes up for you from your childhood and of course it was an image of my brother laying on the floor in my room and I kept telling him just get up and leave my room and he would refuse he was bullying me he would make fun of me he was just like being the most annoying thing in the world and just laying on the floor and not getting up and she was telling me that You see what happens on the outside rarely ever is about what's happening right now. It's almost always connected to something that happened before when your nervous system got overloaded. And what's happening today is taking you back to that moment. And it's not about what's going on and your circumstances at that moment. And to me, for someone to be able to understand that, if they're upset, if rage comes up, if anger comes up, if sadness comes up, it's almost always linked to what's happening internally. So instead of pointing the finger that you are doing this to me, have the ability to go back inside and say, I'm being triggered rather than pulling you as a blame in. that really I think is the biggest gift. And if someone has that level of awareness, they're really worth building a life with. And it can be learned and earned. And I think, like for me, I feel like I have that. And a man or woman, it doesn't matter. But I feel I have that for bigger stuff, but little everyday life was not in my perspective. And I think you do have a lot of that. Maybe you might not be aware of what's being triggered at the moment, but you never turn around and tell me you did that or you say that or you don't blame that often. Maybe like rarely ever, but which I don't remember, but you don't have that to point a finger and blame me. And I think that's a very hurtful thing than anybody can do, which puts a mark on a relationship. know, it's then it's hard to remove it. But just having that level of awareness and connection with their inner self, I feel that's huge and we don't talk about. And a big thing to me is for two people to have similar access to their inner world, you know? Because if you have... two people, they might be amazing people individually and have all the criteria of an amazing valuable woman or amazing valuable man, but if they don't have same level of internal growth or similar on the same wavelength, you know, if one is into really digging inside and knowing themselves better and knowing their past and healing their childhood and doing the internal growth. intentionally and the other person is completely totally off about it, there is no way to be compatible and form a long-term relationship. It almost never lasts. speaker-1: Or just learn, ⁓ even though you have all these feelings and you wanna blame and say all this stuff, it's just keep your mouth shut. speaker-0: Is that what you do? I give you too much credit! That's not true. speaker-1: ⁓ speaker-0: No, but I feel like when we met, had both done a lot of work on ourselves. So we both had a lot of like at least just even the fact that you were aware that, I never got married because of the relationship with my parents. Like, you'll be surprised what percentage of the world doesn't even that doesn't even occur to them. You know, so just putting the work in to get to a point of having self-awareness. feel like that's that's like really important. speaker-1: I agree. And keeping your mouth shut. speaker-0: Another thing that I think contributes a lot to compatibility is that you can have two incredible human beings that no matter what you do, don't work well together and they're not compatible. And it's not because of chemistry or it's not because they have anything like habits or communication. It's just, I think the most important thing in compatibility is the level of resilience that a person has would match the other person's resilience. I agree with that. When you go through hard times, how much can you handle pressure and not break? How much can you handle discomfort and still be somewhat aligned with who you are? And of course people have emotions, we go through hard times, we have ups and downs and all that, but being able to keep it together, like how much difficulty can you take and still keep it together? And I think honestly, this is what really brought us together. It's like a muscle, you know, like the more you go to the gym, you get stronger. And if you're super strong, you cannot wrestle with someone who's never stepped foot in the gym. Like it doesn't work like that. And I even, even our age gap. speaker-1: Yeah, I agree. speaker-0: We have 22 years difference. When we got together, like we never felt it. Even to this date, I've never felt it. Sometimes you look in the mirror and you're like, ⁓ I'm getting old or whatever. It's your new thing that you say. But I think 60 has put, the number 60 has put something in your mind. speaker-1: I've already worked worked on that with my with my coach, but one of the things that that I've learned is that is what what Tony talks about, the quality of your life is the your ability to handle the amount of uncertainty. So the the higher amount of uncertainty that you can handle is directly proportional to the quality of your life. I call that bravery. Yeah. I call that bra I I I think you're one of the bravest women I've ever met in my life, if not the bravest. Dealing with my crazy ass. You know? And I feel like I'm extremely brave in in certain things. Like brave meaning like knowing things are hard and keep doing it or scared of something and keep ⁓ but going for it anyway, because you have a belief in it. Risk risk, yeah. And and we both are risk takers, which speaker-0: What? The ability to take risks. speaker-1: a lot of times works against us, you know, but it is probably our number one reason that we are able to connect with each other because you understand my craziness and the things that I do and the risks that I take and I understand yours. speaker-0: And you know, that gives the ability for me, like as a woman, it gives me the ability to see where you're going and... have belief in what you're doing in work, in life, and anything that you do without being able to see the end result. And if the amount of risk you take at work and in life was way more than I could have belief and trust in, then we would have a gap. Or if I would want to push for more and shoot way higher and your amount of risk that you could take was like this much. then we would like really grow apart. So that's like totally and it comes back to resilience that I was talking about too. It's kind of two different things but the basis of it I feel like it could be together. speaker-1: my work risk, I mean, I took this huge risk, r high risk, high reward, and I took the risk and I didn't get the reward. And it really affected our ⁓ our lives, me personally, but the fact that you were able to deal with this amount of uncertainty, which is huge, you know, most relationships would not last that. Yeah. Right? Or the bravery or speaker-0: But you know what it comes back to? I mean, I could deal with that amount of uncertainty. It comes back to what I said, first thing that's most valuable in a man, which owning his world and being accountable. Like for me, that made it so much easier because I knew no matter what, you pick yourself back up because you've done it before and it's in you. It's like, you say, it's in your DNA that you will, no matter what, will figure out a way. of it is yes, I could take a lot of uncertainty because I have in my life. know, there has been events that I've grown from and I've been through so much that has built the muscle, you know, but also knowing that you have those qualities, it's a huge reassurance. If it was somebody else, I would be like, holy crap, like, God help us, you know. speaker-1: That's a nice compliment. But at the end of the day we agree that you're nuts. speaker-0: We did not agree on that. What do mean? I just said all this nice stuff about you that you can connect your emotional side. But you're not. Just accept that and... speaker-1: What do you mean? I have it on tape. speaker-0: See you next time.