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Transcript

It's All Going to Hell Stand-Up 🤣🤣🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah, New York.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, New York.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_01: All right, New York, let me drink you in.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: Let me soak you in.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: We would do it.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_02: All right.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_02: New York, yes.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_02: Well, it's all going to hell.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_02: Uh the whole world.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_02: Economy, health care, wars.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_02: I'm glad Obama's in there doing his thing.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_02: I am glad he is our president.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_02: Absolutely.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_02: I am glad he is our president.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_02: But now that he is our president, I think it's time we as a nation just took a deep breath and collectively just said out loud OJ killed those people.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_02: Oh my God.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_02: It feels good.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_02: Do it.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_02: It feels good.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_02: Billion to one, he didn't do it, folks.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_02: All right.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_02: Uh anyway, what's going on?
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_02: Any football fans?
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_02: Yes! I'm with you.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_02: Football just makes my body do this.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_02: I love it.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_02: I love football.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_02: Uh one thing I don't like, I'll admit, one thing I don't care for uh about football is the uh the the men's rooms at any stadium in America.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_02: They are the worst place on earth.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_02: And and I've actually been in a couple wars.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_02: So I've actually I've I've actually been to the worst places Earth has to offer.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm here to tell you, the worst place on earth is the men's room at any stadium in America.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_02: And I can see ladies, I can see you going, what what's he talking about?
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_02: Screw it.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna take you there now.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_02: Guys, relax.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_02: I can see you guys too.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_02: You go, wriggle, don't do it, man.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_02: Let me do this.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_02: Let me do this, guys.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_02: Let me do it.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_02: It's time they learned.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_02: It's been far too long.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna take you through the looking glass now, ladies.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_02: Into the intersectum.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_02: There's no door on the men's room at a stadium.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_02: Don't need it.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_02: There is an invisible, a semi-invisible yellow stench that blocks the door.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_02: And it's thick enough that it can actually slow down a big man like myself.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna hit the bathroom.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_02: We also be back in a minute.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_02: And as you penetrate the outer layer, it it's so thick, it lays on your skin like a cobweb from an Indiana Jones movie.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_02: It's that that thick.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_02: And once you make the commitment to going to the restroom, you can't stop.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_02: You've got to go all the way.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_02: And as you penetrate that out that outer layer, the first thing you see as you get in there, ladies, two sit-down stalls.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_02: Two sit-down stalls for 10,000 men in this section of the stadium.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_02: And both doors on the stalls are gone.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_02: They're missing.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_02: And I I promise you, on the first day that stadium opened, the very first day, the very first man that had to wait in line, you're taking to flaw! And he ripped the door from the hinges because that's what we do, ladies.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_02: We tear doors off of stuff for no reason.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_02: And the doors are missing.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_02: The doors are missing.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_02: They're gone.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_02: They just vanished.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_02: And I can only assume they were used as stretchers later in the day in that hellhole.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_02: And in and both stalls are overflowing with filth, and in one there's a dead body, and in the other stall, there's an abandoned child crying.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_02: And screw them! Never stop.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_02: Keep going.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_02: Push further.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_02: You've got to make it into the inter-inter sanctum.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_02: And as you leave that behind, you come around the corner, and there it is, ladies.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_02: I kid you not, a 50-foot-long piss trough.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_02: A steaming piss trough because we're cattle and pigs.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_02: And that's all we deserve.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_02: And and across it is 20 men across and 20 men deep, like a huge Roman Legion.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_02: And once you join the Legion, you're in the Legion for life.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_02: You can't get out.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_02: Once you step in and everybody's just marching to the piss trough, marching to the piss trough.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_02: And there's always some, there's always, there's always that one jerk, drunk lunatic in there who's going, I'll fing kill everybody in here.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_02: And I would never get the line, he's like, I always take that time to pray.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, oh god, just get me through this.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_02: I love my wife so much.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_02: And then there's always that wussy who's like, I can't take it.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_02: And then tell my wife I love her.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_02: Screw him, just he's weak.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_02: Step over his body.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_02: And everybody's been drinking beer and eating brats.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_02: And what do you think's going on down here?
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_02: It's a witch's brew of death.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_02: Derby just, oh, it's uh and I've I've got so much pee, I can taste it.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_02: I really can taste it.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm hitting the panic button.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, oh my god, just give me to the piss trough.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_02: And then you kindly get to the piss trough.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_02: And then every now everybody wants to talk.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_02: Now everybody's like, hey Tony, you're gonna get the thing?
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_02: And the guy behind you is like, come on, man, take the piss, take the piss.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_02: And I, you know, I'm like Iceman in top gun.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, I got no shot I'm out.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_02: I don't see too many, uh I don't see too many cotton tops here tonight.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_02: That's nice.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_02: Uh I don't care for the old.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_02: That's what I'm saying.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_02: Um that's nice.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_02: Uh I don't mind putting it out there.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_02: I do not care for the old.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_02: Don't like them.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_02: Um they're out to destroy us.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_02: That's the bottom line.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_02: They're really out to destroy us.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_02: And if you don't believe it, I'll give you an example.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_02: I'm sure you all heard about it.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_02: Several years ago, a uh an old man down in Florida decided to get into his 7,000-pound Cadillac and uh go to the market.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_02: Uh and then, of course, he went through the market in the process running over 39 people.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_02: 39 people! Here's my question.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_02: What the hell was number 39 doing?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't make any sense.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_02: All right, screw it.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_02: We're gonna play this one out.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_02: We're gonna play this one out.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_02: We have to.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_02: All right.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_02: I'll be 39.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_02: I'll be 39.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_02: Way down there at the end of the market, here comes the Cadillac.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, there's a Cadillac in the market, Mommy, mommy, my legs, my legs! Oh my god, I've been cut and happened by the stomach, house upon a catalog!
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_02: Doesn't make any sense.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know, my wife thinks I'm an idiot.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_02: Um here's the thing though, I don't give her a reason not to.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_02: Give you an example.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_02: The other day, I was on the phone with my best friend for 45 minutes.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_02: For 45 minutes, and I got off the phone, and my wife goes, His that?
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_02: By the way, she's she's not ghetto ridiculous, okay?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_02: She's actually a very smart, beautiful woman, but whatever, she's not here.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_02: So, uh uh.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_02: So she goes, Who's that?
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, that was Jeff.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_02: She goes, Oh my god.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_02: Well, how's Kelly, his wife?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_02: And I go, uh I don't know.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_02: Well, how's Jackson?
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_02: Their son.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_02: Well, is his mother still sick?
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_02: I go, his mother's sick?
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, Rob! What the hell are you talking about?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: 45 minutes off the phone, Jesus Christ!
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_02: I was on the phone with my best friend in the whole world, a man I care very much about.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_02: I love him.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_02: And I talked to him for 45 minutes, and it never once occurred to me to ask him about his wife, his child, his hopes, dreams.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_02: For 45 minutes, we described in vivid detail how we would defile each other's mothers.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_02: That's how we roll, ladies.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_02: That's how we roll.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, I recently flew, I recently flew from LaGuardia uh to uh Vegas, and I was hung over.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_02: Hung over.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_02: Stop.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_02: Back up, Riggle.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_02: Hold on.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_02: You're going to Vegas and you're hungover?
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_02: That's right.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_02: That's how I roll.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_02: So it's a flight to Vegas, and you know, it's awesome.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_02: I got a window seat, I figure I'm gonna get on the plane, uh, uh rack out, five-hour flight, we'll land, I'll hit the strip and light the fuse again.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_02: Because that's how I do.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know what I was thinking, though, of course.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_02: This is a flight from LaGuardia to Vegas.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_02: It should just be called Riffraff Airlines.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_02: Long Island Riffraff is a special brand of Riffraff.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_02: Unlike any other Riffraff in America, penicillin can't touch Long Island Riffraff.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_02: And I I heard them before I saw them.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_02: Does that tell you what I'm dealing with?
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_02: I heard them before I saw them.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_02: I'm in my seat on the jetway, I hear the unmistakable, incoherent blather that is Long Island speak.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_02: As about eight of them came down and they're like, yeah, yeah, with the butthole and the douche and the thing.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_02: Now, to you and I, that doesn't mean anything.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: But to his buddies, they were like, Yeah, with the butt and the douche, yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_02: They were loving it.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_02: So I see these guys coming, and I'm like, oh God, please, please don't let him sit by me and I'll lay off the old deal.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, no dice.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_02: So, sure enough, they come in, three sit in front of me, two sit beside me, and three sit behind me.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_02: I am in a box of stupidity that just can't be measured.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_02: And but when I saw him coming, I was like, Oh, I'm not dealing with this.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_02: So I I instantly faked like I was asleep, so I wouldn't have to engage.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_02: So we back out and we're taxiing away, and the pilot comes on and he's like, uh, ladies and gentlemen.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_02: Uh looks like we got a little bit of a problem out here.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_02: I can take us back to the gate, but I think at that time they'll probably cancel the flight, so uh I think our best bet is to stay out here on the tarmac.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_02: It might take a couple hours, but I think we'll get out tonight.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_00: Ugh.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_02: So the flight attendant comes up and she goes, uh, can I get you something to drink?
• 13:41
  SPEAKER_02: So the guy's sitting right next to me.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_02: And this is what unfolded.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_02: And it haunts me to this day.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_02: He goes, Yeah, yeah, uh, give me a beer.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_02: No, wait.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_02: Give me two beers, I'm gonna double down.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_02: Stevie, what?
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_02: Do you hear what I just said?
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_02: No, what'd you just say?
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_02: Lady was like, You want something to drink?
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_02: I said, Yeah, give me a beer.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_02: Then I said, No, I didn't want that beer.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_02: I said, give me two beers, I'm gonna double down.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: No way! You freaking said that.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my god, oh my god, Gina, Gina, Gina, what?
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Guess what Tommy did?
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_00: Guess what Tommy?
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_02: What'd Tommy do?
• 14:29
  SPEAKER_02: What did you do now?
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_02: What did you do now?
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_02: Lady was like, You want something to drink?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_02: He said, give him two beers.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_02: No, it wasn't like that.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_02: I said, I'm gonna have a beer.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_02: Then I said, I didn't want that beer.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_02: I said, give me two beers.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_02: Sorry, sorry, sorry, Tommy.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_02: He said, give him a beer.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_02: Then he said he didn't want that beer.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_02: He said, give two beers.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_02: He was gonna double the this got this got recanted from every moron to every other moron on the plane.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_02: It wouldn't stop.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_02: And I I was I was everybody just had to recant the magic tail of the double-down beer.
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_02: I was I was losing my mind.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_02: I couldn't believe this was happening, and I was panicking.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_02: I was I was like, and literally every fiber in my body is like, just be a man, be a man, be a man.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like, I wanted to sit up and go, no more talking, you're all stupid, shut up.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_02: But I couldn't do it because I'm a giant wuss.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_02: So hand to God, this is what I did because I was panicking.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_02: I stayed asleep, and I screamed at the top of my lungs and violently smashed my head against the window.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_02: This is what it looked like.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_02: And then I didn't wake up.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't wake up.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_02: And it worked.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_02: It worked for like five beautiful glorious seconds.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_02: There was silence.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_02: So, so about, you know, we finally take off.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_02: We're about like three hours into the flight.
• 16:13
  SPEAKER_02: We're over in Nebraska or something, I don't know where we are.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_02: And I do the old, you know, is it safe?
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_02: And it was.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_02: Because they were all passed out, drunk.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_02: Imagine that.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_02: So they're all passed out, and they got their hands on their junk, and they're snoring like the exorcist.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_02: They're like all of them, all of them.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm like, I gotta get out of here.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_02: So I unbuckle and I step up and I'm humping the seats in front of me, trying not to wake them as I move out to the aisle.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_02: And I got about halfway, and I said, you know what?
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_02: Screw these guys.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_02: So I gave them what I like to call a Wendy's number two Ruman Coke special.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_02: And I just painted them up with everything I had.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_02: I held nothing back.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_02: Both barrels.
• 17:16
  SPEAKER_02: I let them have all of it.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_02: All of it.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_02: I left it all on the field to the point where I was actually a little lightheaded.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_02: And then I got to the aisle and I shook what was left from my denims.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_02: And I heard a glorious sound.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_02: I heard Tommy going, huh, huh?
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, Tommy! Save it my flavor!
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_02: It's only a matter of time before I win an Academy Award.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_02: You were you were right to laugh the first time.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_02: Um but uh since that's an inevitability, I have decided to go ahead and uh do a first draft on my acceptance speech.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_02: So I would like to do that for you now.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_02: If you if you'd like to hear it.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_02: Do you want to oh wow, okay, I know I don't have much time, so I'll try to uh uh first uh uh no kidding.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_02: Uh wow.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_02: Uh you know, like the Academy I think owes me like six of these, but whatever, whatever.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_02: Uh first, I don't know, I just I guess I gotta thank myself.
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_02: Uh uh you know, I know it's very popular in Hollywood to say that no man is an island, but it's I think we've proven him wrong tonight.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_02: I think we did.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_02: Oh god.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, so good.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_02: Uh to the to the other actors in my category.
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_02: Suck it.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_02: Really, really.
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_02: Uh if you had any talent at all, you'd be up here.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_02: Not me.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_02: Oh god, uh uh uh oh god, uh yeah, uh here's uh I just want a quick list of people who can suck my balls.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_02: Um uh coach Hepner, jerk, uh Mr.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_02: Kaminsky, my seventh grade science teacher.
• 19:26
  SPEAKER_02: Who's laughing now?
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_02: Such an ass.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_02: Mr.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_02: Mr.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_02: Robbins, my jerk neighbor.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_02: I'm gonna burn your lawn.
• 19:36
  SPEAKER_02: Uh uh, Becky, Becky, wherever you are, I hope you're in pain.
• 19:40
  SPEAKER_02: Uh there's there's so many more, so many more, but I'll email you guys.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_02: I will.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_02: Uh oh my god.
• 19:49
  SPEAKER_02: What do you do when you win the most important award ever in the history of mankind?
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 19:55
  SPEAKER_02: Uh I guess it's uh first thing, uh sex.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_02: Uh just a ton, a ton of sex.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_02: Uh weird stuff too, not the normal sex.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_02: Weird, edgy, real dangerous sex, that's for sure.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_02: Uh whatever I want, I'm gonna take and and then the rest I'm just gonna break.
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_02: Uh uh oh, I guess that's my time.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_02: Uh the the thank you so much.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_02: The world is my toilet.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you, thank you.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: Good night, good night.