Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 361. HEADNOISE: Need for control, being cheated on & learning to be alone.

Transcript

361. HEADNOISE: Need for control, being cheated on & learning to be alone. · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:10
Speaker 1: Welcome everyone, Welcome to the podcast episode of today. So
0:14
Speaker 1: in today's episode, we are doing a very cool listener
0:18
Speaker 1: question because it is for the first time we're actually
0:20
Speaker 1: using the voice notes that you guys have sent in.
0:23
Speaker 1: So I am pumped about these voice notes because it's
0:27
Speaker 1: really cool obviously not only to hear your voices, but
0:32
Speaker 1: there's like accents from around the world. I'm hearing you
0:35
Speaker 1: say it. I feel like there's so much feeling and
0:39
Speaker 1: meaning behind it when I actually hear the voice like
0:43
Speaker 1: memos that you guys have sent in. If you're like,
0:45
Speaker 1: what the fuck is Alexus talking about. I've recently got
0:49
Speaker 1: this new feature on my website www dot dyfmpod dot
0:54
Speaker 1: com where you can actually submit a voice memo instead
0:57
Speaker 1: of emailing through your questions. Does not mean that we're
1:00
Speaker 1: not reading out the email through questions. We're going to
1:03
Speaker 1: be doing a mix moving forward. Also, at the end
1:06
Speaker 1: of this episode, two things. Last episode, when I did
1:10
Speaker 1: the episode on anxious Attachment, I said to you guys,
1:13
Speaker 1: I requested if anyone out there has their own story
1:17
Speaker 1: of how they went from secure sorry, from anxious to
1:20
Speaker 1: secure attached, please write in because I think it's really
1:23
Speaker 1: nice to hear other people's journey or their success story
1:26
Speaker 1: or how they got through something, because it makes it
1:29
Speaker 1: a whole lot more like possible for you. And we
1:31
Speaker 1: did have a whole bunch of people writing in, so
1:33
Speaker 1: I'm going to read out a bunch of those, and
1:35
Speaker 1: then at the very end of this episode we will
1:38
Speaker 1: also have a tiny little snippet from module two in
1:42
Speaker 1: my audio book. I also just want to say thank
1:45
Speaker 1: you so much to all the people that have already
1:46
Speaker 1: gone out and bought the book and a listening to
1:49
Speaker 1: it module by module, or I should say chapter by chapter.
1:52
Speaker 1: There's five modules, thirty chapters. The amount of people that
1:55
Speaker 1: are like, I'm on day three, or I'm on day
1:57
Speaker 1: five or on. It's so so cool to just hear
2:00
Speaker 1: where you're at in the journey of the audiobook. It's
2:03
Speaker 1: really really cool, So keep at it. And yeah, hopefully
2:08
Speaker 1: you're already starting to see some changes and really pumped
2:11
Speaker 1: to get your feedback on that. Hello, my beautiful beans.
2:30
Speaker 1: Whether you're a long time listener to this podcast or
2:32
Speaker 1: tuning in for the first time, I hope you'll check
2:35
Speaker 1: out my new audiobook, How to Chase Change Thirty days
2:39
Speaker 1: to Master your mindset It's an actionable, step by step
2:43
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2:45
Speaker 1: mindset and create the change you want to see in
2:48
Speaker 1: your life, from physical and mental health to your relationships, career,
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Speaker 1: self confidence, and beyond. How to Chase Change is available
2:57
Speaker 1: now wherever audiobooks are sold. Start listening today. Okay, so
3:02
Speaker 1: let's get straight into it without further ado or however
3:06
Speaker 1: the saying goes. We're going to start with the first question.
3:10
Speaker 1: We're going to play the audio, and I'm so excited
3:14
Speaker 1: for you just to hear like other beans voices, it's
3:16
Speaker 1: really really cool.
3:17
Speaker 2: So let's stay Alexis, how do I give up the
3:22
Speaker 2: need for control? I'm always trying to control conversations or
3:28
Speaker 2: even other people sometimes in when they don't act the way.
3:31
Speaker 1: I thought they would, I.
3:34
Speaker 2: Kind of feel uncomfortable and I don't know what to do.
3:36
Speaker 2: Any brain facts around this as well.
3:38
Speaker 1: Thanks again, that's a very very very good question. I
3:41
Speaker 1: feel like a lot of people struggle in that sense,
3:45
Speaker 1: especially around the conversation thing, but also in controlling others,
3:50
Speaker 1: so needing to control things outside of what is actually
3:54
Speaker 1: directly in your control, so circumstances, events, people outside of you,
4:01
Speaker 1: is very heavily tied to feeling like you have a
4:05
Speaker 1: lack of control over yourself. So if you feel like
4:09
Speaker 1: you are maybe anxious or maybe not satisfied with kind
4:13
Speaker 1: of where you're at, a lot of the time that
4:16
Speaker 1: will be projected onto a need for control in the
4:18
Speaker 1: things outside of you. So, if you've ever been in
4:20
Speaker 1: a situation with a partner who's controlling you, a lot
4:23
Speaker 1: of very controlling, that person who is displaying there's really
4:27
Speaker 1: controlling behaviors, is for the most part, not one hundred
4:30
Speaker 1: percent satisfied or happy within themselves. They feel a level
4:34
Speaker 1: of insecurity. They don't feel safe, they don't feel secure,
4:37
Speaker 1: so they feel in order for me to be safe,
4:39
Speaker 1: I need to be in control. Okay, and all of
4:42
Speaker 1: us as humans need control. We need to feel secure,
4:47
Speaker 1: and in order to feel secure, we need to feel
4:49
Speaker 1: like we have control over something, like we are able
4:53
Speaker 1: to direct something in a particular direction. If you feel
4:56
Speaker 1: that you have no control over anything in your life,
4:59
Speaker 1: then it's really high to feel safe and secure. Now
5:02
Speaker 1: to do it in a healthy way, you want to
5:04
Speaker 1: administer as much control over yourself in the things that
5:07
Speaker 1: you do actually have direct control over. This comes down
5:10
Speaker 1: to discipline habits, controlling your own You know, what you
5:15
Speaker 1: choose to do with your physical body and your health,
5:18
Speaker 1: what you choose to do with your mind, how you
5:20
Speaker 1: educate yourself, how you spend your time, hobby's skills, all
5:24
Speaker 1: of this, who you spend time with, that is what
5:28
Speaker 1: is within your control. And the more you focus on
5:31
Speaker 1: what can I do that is within my control and
5:34
Speaker 1: what can I tweak here and there that's going to
5:36
Speaker 1: actually make me happier that I can control, the less
5:38
Speaker 1: you're going to see a need to control the things
5:41
Speaker 1: outside of you, Okay, including people, including conversations. Another thing
5:45
Speaker 1: that you're probably struggling with is if you're somebody who's
5:48
Speaker 1: always done it, you're also battling with a bit of
5:50
Speaker 1: an ingrained habit. So it's something that you're like, I
5:54
Speaker 1: really want to break the habit of trying to control
5:56
Speaker 1: conversations and trying to get them to go a certain way.
5:59
Speaker 1: So at least with the people that are close to you,
6:01
Speaker 1: if this is something that you're really, really really open
6:03
Speaker 1: to changing, I would not to everyone that you meet,
6:06
Speaker 1: because then it can kind of get a bit weird
6:08
Speaker 1: and awkward if you've just met the person, but to
6:11
Speaker 1: your best friend, to your siblings, to whoever's your partner,
6:14
Speaker 1: whoever's really close to you, just say hey, I am
6:17
Speaker 1: really trying to work on this. If you see that
6:21
Speaker 1: I am kind of trying to control this conversation to
6:23
Speaker 1: go in a certain way. Do you mind just pulling
6:25
Speaker 1: me out saying hey, babe, I think you're doing that
6:27
Speaker 1: controlling in the conversation, just as a way to shed light,
6:31
Speaker 1: not to judge, not to get annoyed, not to get angry.
6:34
Speaker 1: Just do me a favor and just shed lighter it.
6:36
Speaker 1: Because the more aware I am, the more consciously aware
6:39
Speaker 1: I am in the moment, the easier it's going to
6:42
Speaker 1: be for me to kind of logically intercept this subconscious
6:48
Speaker 1: process that's going on. So we're tackling two things. One's
6:51
Speaker 1: a bit of a habit, and one is the underlying
6:53
Speaker 1: cause for this, which is likely to be either as
6:57
Speaker 1: a feeling that you don't have control over your life
6:59
Speaker 1: and of your circumstances, or it could be a level
7:02
Speaker 1: of dissatisfaction, or it could be a level of insecurity
7:05
Speaker 1: within yourself. So you're trying to seek that security from
7:07
Speaker 1: controlling other things and other people outside of you. Once
7:10
Speaker 1: you are really really happy with where you are at
7:13
Speaker 1: in your life. You're going to find that you don't
7:15
Speaker 1: try and control anyone outside of you at all, and
7:19
Speaker 1: the reason for that is that you realize, I know
7:22
Speaker 1: what's within my control, I know what's not within my control.
7:25
Speaker 1: And I'm also at peace knowing that if someone is
7:28
Speaker 1: doing something that doesn't align with me, that's who they are,
7:32
Speaker 1: that's the journey that they're on, that's how and I
7:35
Speaker 1: either choose to align with this person or I don't,
7:37
Speaker 1: and I don't have to be here battling with who
7:40
Speaker 1: they are and what they're saying and what they're doing. Okay,
7:42
Speaker 1: so hopefully that helped, But that's kind of what's going
7:45
Speaker 1: on behind the scenes. All right, Let's get straight into
7:47
Speaker 1: the next voice message.
7:50
Speaker 3: Hey gorge girl, hope you're well. Thank you for producing
7:53
Speaker 3: the literal best fucked podcast I could have asked for,
7:57
Speaker 3: and any girl could ask for some advice. I have
8:02
Speaker 3: a beautiful, beautiful boyfriend and he works five foy so
8:05
Speaker 3: flying fly out. Sometimes he's away for three weeks, home
8:09
Speaker 3: for one, and his roster's a bit all over the place,
8:12
Speaker 3: so I'm finding it really challenging sometimes on his weeks
8:16
Speaker 3: away at work to stay connected, and girl, I can
8:20
Speaker 3: get really in my own head, my thoughts be spiraling.
8:24
Speaker 3: I'm like finding it hard sometimes to stay connected, and
8:28
Speaker 3: honestly like it. It doesn't feel like anyone's doing anything
8:32
Speaker 3: wrong or not trying enough, Like sometimes it's just so
8:36
Speaker 3: hard to keep it going. And I just wanted some
8:39
Speaker 3: tips around things I could kind of do when he's
8:41
Speaker 3: away to help me from spiraling and overthinking and just
8:47
Speaker 3: kind of feeling a bit lost when he's gone.
8:49
Speaker 1: Okay, amazing, amazing question. Thank you for writing in and there,
8:54
Speaker 1: or I should say for chatting in or speaking in
8:58
Speaker 1: or calling in. And I'm really happy that you did
9:01
Speaker 1: that because I've actually received a lot of messages in
9:03
Speaker 1: the past around five fou work fly and fly at
9:06
Speaker 1: work and you know, doing all a long distance relationship
9:09
Speaker 1: kind of situation where you're only with your partner for
9:11
Speaker 1: a portion of the time and then they're either away
9:14
Speaker 1: or they live somewhere else, et cetera, et cetera. So
9:17
Speaker 1: let's talk about it. Let's break it down. The first
9:19
Speaker 1: thing that you have to do. We're going to break it.
9:21
Speaker 1: We're going to tackle it from two different points of view.
9:24
Speaker 1: We're going to tackle it from what you can do
9:26
Speaker 1: as a couple and then what you can do as
9:28
Speaker 1: an individual, because you also don't want to feel like
9:32
Speaker 1: my life is my relationship and therefore when my partner
9:37
Speaker 1: is away, my life is on hold. You never want
9:40
Speaker 1: to feel like that, and I think a lot of
9:42
Speaker 1: people and maybe you do. I'm not exactly sure. I've
9:44
Speaker 1: only got like a slight insight into your situation. But
9:48
Speaker 1: if you feel like I'm paying a bit of a
9:50
Speaker 1: waiting game where my partner's away, then you are going
9:52
Speaker 1: to feel lost. You're going to feel disconnected because you're
9:55
Speaker 1: not connected with yourself, which is the most important relationship
9:58
Speaker 1: you'll ever have. You're also going to feel like a
10:00
Speaker 1: bit of a like what am I kind of doing
10:02
Speaker 1: with my life situation? And then when they're back, all
10:05
Speaker 1: everything's answered, it feels great, you're in a good groove,
10:08
Speaker 1: it feels amazing. But then when they go and it
10:10
Speaker 1: just kids repeating itself. Okay, you want to find a
10:12
Speaker 1: way if your partner's doing five four, when it looks
10:15
Speaker 1: like it's going to be a long term thing, how
10:16
Speaker 1: do we really not only manage our expectations, but manage
10:20
Speaker 1: this in a way that I'm really genuinely happy both
10:24
Speaker 1: when he's here and also when he's away. So the
10:28
Speaker 1: first thing that I want you to think about is
10:30
Speaker 1: how can we feel still super connected and super in
10:32
Speaker 1: tune with each other when he's gone. What kind of
10:35
Speaker 1: pattern of behaviors can we put into practice so we
10:38
Speaker 1: can feel super connected and super happy while he's away.
10:41
Speaker 1: So this could be like maybe every second day we
10:45
Speaker 1: ask ourselves these like five questions that we want to know,
10:48
Speaker 1: or we go over you know, whatever it is, or
10:51
Speaker 1: maybe think of like I want you to think about
10:54
Speaker 1: a funny story about your childhood that then you tell
10:56
Speaker 1: me on Tuesday, or what you could like whatever it is,
10:59
Speaker 1: but come up with certain things that can help bring
11:01
Speaker 1: you closer together when you're away. You could play those
11:04
Speaker 1: like conversation starter card games over the phone or over zoom.
11:08
Speaker 1: There's certain things that you can do that you can
11:10
Speaker 1: really look forward to that both if you know is
11:12
Speaker 1: coming up, so you can manage your expectations of how
11:16
Speaker 1: it's going to be when they're away, Like I know
11:18
Speaker 1: that at least on this night, we're going to have
11:20
Speaker 1: a bit more time with each other on the phone,
11:21
Speaker 1: or I know that you know we send each other,
11:24
Speaker 1: whatever it is. But what I recommend you do is
11:28
Speaker 1: establish what kind of connection you're going to have before
11:30
Speaker 1: your partner goes. So you really aware of, Okay, this
11:33
Speaker 1: is what it looks like when he's gone. That's one thing.
11:35
Speaker 1: Now more importantly, or well I would say more importantly,
11:39
Speaker 1: is what you're going to do with your relationship with
11:42
Speaker 1: yourself when he's away. If you look at oh, well,
11:47
Speaker 1: you know, my partner's away, and that's kind of the
11:49
Speaker 1: story you're banging on about when you're at home, that
11:52
Speaker 1: my partner's away, my partner's away. I can't wait to
11:54
Speaker 1: my partner gets back. Then that's where your focus is
11:56
Speaker 1: going to be, and that's where you're kind of going to.
11:57
Speaker 1: You're going to gravitate around that narrative. And yes, your
12:00
Speaker 1: partner is away, but that is independent from the fact
12:03
Speaker 1: that you are a fully fledged individual with your own passions,
12:06
Speaker 1: with your own projects, with your own hobbies, with your
12:10
Speaker 1: own friends, with your own relationships. You are still your
12:13
Speaker 1: own individual person that independent of your partner, would still
12:19
Speaker 1: flourish regardless, that's how you want to look at it.
12:22
Speaker 1: So what you want to think of is what can
12:24
Speaker 1: I be doing for myself? In this time that I
12:28
Speaker 1: probably wouldn't be doing if my partner was here. Not
12:30
Speaker 1: that it's a bad thing, not that your partner pulls
12:32
Speaker 1: you away from it, but maybe when my partner's here,
12:34
Speaker 1: I spend more time doing other things with my partner.
12:37
Speaker 1: So what can I actually funnel my energy into while
12:40
Speaker 1: they're gone? So this could be I'm going to really
12:44
Speaker 1: reach out and hang out with people that I haven't
12:45
Speaker 1: seen in a while. Or I'm going to use this
12:48
Speaker 1: time to, you know, be studying something on the side
12:52
Speaker 1: that I find really interesting. Not even UNI, but just
12:54
Speaker 1: like I'm going to start a course that I can
12:56
Speaker 1: pace at my own pace, and when they're away, I'm
12:59
Speaker 1: a to really dolve deep into this course and dedicate
13:02
Speaker 1: like two hours and evening to this course, and then
13:04
Speaker 1: before I know what, I've knocked over this cool thing
13:06
Speaker 1: that I've learned, Or I'm going to start going I'm
13:10
Speaker 1: just using examples that I like for myself. I'm gonna
13:12
Speaker 1: start going rock climbing on the times that they're away,
13:14
Speaker 1: and you can fill up your timetable really fun activities
13:18
Speaker 1: that have to do with your own personal growth, or
13:20
Speaker 1: you connecting with other relationships that really matter. A lot
13:23
Speaker 1: to you. You know, start doing like trivia nights every
13:26
Speaker 1: time your partner's gone away. You go to pub trivia
13:29
Speaker 1: down the road, and it's just like your favorite thing
13:32
Speaker 1: that you do. Okay, before you know it, you will
13:35
Speaker 1: get to a point where you will actually look forward
13:39
Speaker 1: to this me time when your partner's away. It doesn't
13:42
Speaker 1: mean that you won't miss them. Missing someone and looking
13:45
Speaker 1: forward to alone me time two exclusively mutual things that
13:50
Speaker 1: can exist concurrently, but you will realize I actually like
13:54
Speaker 1: my alone time, Like I genuinely, if Tyrone has to
13:57
Speaker 1: go away for a couple of days, I'm like, yeah, cool, Okay,
14:01
Speaker 1: what am I going to do? I'm alone, I'm at home.
14:02
Speaker 1: This is cool? Maybe I have this. I start getting
14:04
Speaker 1: excited on what I can do with my own time
14:07
Speaker 1: because I used to love living alone and now I
14:10
Speaker 1: live with my partner, which I love. There's so many
14:12
Speaker 1: things that I've gained from living with my partner. But
14:15
Speaker 1: a tiny bit of me is like, oh, it was
14:16
Speaker 1: so fun being alone in my own company. You're doing,
14:19
Speaker 1: you know, just doing whatever I wanted to do whenever.
14:22
Speaker 1: So you can look at it that way, how can
14:24
Speaker 1: I find a way of really instead of this being
14:26
Speaker 1: like the shitty time when they're gone. This is the
14:29
Speaker 1: main time where I'm really investing in myself, okay, because
14:32
Speaker 1: otherwise I don't know how long your partner's away for
14:35
Speaker 1: versus how long they're here for. But at least for
14:37
Speaker 1: several several weeks of your life, if not fifty percent
14:40
Speaker 1: of your life. You're playing a waiting game, and you
14:43
Speaker 1: don't want to be waiting for anyone, no matter how
14:45
Speaker 1: much you love them, no matter who they are. Your
14:47
Speaker 1: life is happening right here, right now, and you've got
14:50
Speaker 1: to be in it, living at present and enjoying it.
14:52
Speaker 1: You don't want to look back and say I only
14:53
Speaker 1: enjoyed fifty percent of my life because my partner was
14:56
Speaker 1: there fifty percent of the time. Okay, So the focus
14:59
Speaker 1: has to come back on you, You, and then you're
15:01
Speaker 1: going to feel a lot more connected to your partner
15:02
Speaker 1: because you've got exciting things to look forward to. You're happier,
15:06
Speaker 1: you're in the zone, you're pumped to be here, and yeah,
15:10
Speaker 1: you're additi will change completely all right.
15:12
Speaker 4: Next one, how would you overcome someone who was cheating
15:17
Speaker 4: on you and you found out after the relationship ended
15:21
Speaker 4: they were cheating on you. Obviously it's like living in
15:24
Speaker 4: a life sort of thing. And also how would you
15:28
Speaker 4: deal with them entering sort of like a rebound relationship
15:33
Speaker 4: straight after, because obviously I can't get it out of
15:36
Speaker 4: my head no matter how much work I put in,
15:39
Speaker 4: it's always at the back of my head, and I
15:40
Speaker 4: feel like I can't move on properly.
15:43
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's fucking tough, and I feel your pain and
15:45
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry that you're going through that. I can firsthand,
15:50
Speaker 1: firsthand experience comment on this. I had exactly that happened
15:54
Speaker 1: to me, and I know exactly how you feel, Like
15:58
Speaker 1: I literally know exactly how you feel. It is like
16:01
Speaker 1: such a shock and you keep unraveling the more information
16:04
Speaker 1: that you get fed. It's like you can't stop digging
16:06
Speaker 1: for more information just to get clarity around who was
16:09
Speaker 1: like actually dating and you want to know these answers
16:12
Speaker 1: you want, like you can't pull away from it. But
16:15
Speaker 1: then the more information you get, the more it's like
16:18
Speaker 1: that dagger is turning into you, that knife is being twisted.
16:23
Speaker 1: It's it's fucked, And I hate that you're going through
16:26
Speaker 1: that because I know exactly what that's like. So I
16:29
Speaker 1: think the first thing that you need to really really
16:33
Speaker 1: Number one is you need to allow yourself to mourn
16:36
Speaker 1: the person who you thought they were, because number one, yeah,
16:38
Speaker 1: you realize that they've done something after the fact, but
16:41
Speaker 1: you've also got to realize you've got kind of got
16:43
Speaker 1: to re establish in your mind that who you thought
16:46
Speaker 1: you were dating is actually separate to who you were
16:49
Speaker 1: actually dating, maybe completely separate, and they were a fucking psychoanarcissist,
16:53
Speaker 1: or maybe just a little bit in the sense that
16:55
Speaker 1: there were lies that were never revealed at the time,
16:58
Speaker 1: but you can identify this is who they are actually are,
17:01
Speaker 1: and this is who I thought they were, and I
17:02
Speaker 1: was dating who I thought they were, and that person
17:05
Speaker 1: no longer exists in my mind, So I have to
17:08
Speaker 1: allow myself to mourn that person. That's the first thing
17:11
Speaker 1: that I would recommend that you look into. It's like
17:14
Speaker 1: I've got to close that chapter and it's like something
17:17
Speaker 1: that's that person doesn't exist, So I've got to let
17:19
Speaker 1: that die in my mind, which takes a little bit
17:22
Speaker 1: of time. Then this idea of them like dating someone else,
17:26
Speaker 1: whether it's a rebound, whether it's you know, in my situation,
17:30
Speaker 1: it's actually the person that I was cheated on with
17:33
Speaker 1: he ended up getting engaged with like a few weeks
17:35
Speaker 1: after the breakup. So it was wild times. But I
17:39
Speaker 1: think what to me was the most comforting thing is
17:44
Speaker 1: I was in love with someone who I really aligned
17:48
Speaker 1: with morally, not who this person is right now. The
17:51
Speaker 1: person that I'm looking at right now wasn't honest with me,
17:55
Speaker 1: didn't value the things that I valued. You know, all
18:00
Speaker 1: the above, you could label all the above, And so
18:03
Speaker 1: it made it a little bit easier in the sense that, well,
18:07
Speaker 1: at least I never want to be back with this person.
18:09
Speaker 1: I might miss who I thought you were, and that's
18:12
Speaker 1: what I have to grieve. But you've got to keep
18:14
Speaker 1: reminding yourself, do I want to be back with this
18:17
Speaker 1: person who prioritizes me in that way, or who doesn't
18:19
Speaker 1: prioritize me, or who's happy to have an affair, who's
18:22
Speaker 1: happy to lie, who's happy all these things? And so
18:26
Speaker 1: what really helped me is like, I'm not in love
18:29
Speaker 1: with this person. I'm in love with who I thought
18:30
Speaker 1: they were. And that was a really that was a
18:33
Speaker 1: very healing thing because it made me realize, I actually
18:35
Speaker 1: don't want to be in a relationship with who you
18:37
Speaker 1: actually are. Then something that you have to do for
18:41
Speaker 1: yourself is you need to cut as much as possible,
18:44
Speaker 1: depending on your situation. Do not look at their social media,
18:47
Speaker 1: Do not try and dig for any more information, because
18:50
Speaker 1: what you'll realize is the more information you find out,
18:53
Speaker 1: the more hurt you're gonna get. And it actually doesn't
18:55
Speaker 1: help you. It helps once you know, like, Okay, generally
18:58
Speaker 1: I know this is what went down. Okay, it helps
19:00
Speaker 1: me kind of realize that you're not the person I
19:02
Speaker 1: thought you were. But you also can go down this
19:06
Speaker 1: rabbit hole of digging and digging and information seeking thinking
19:09
Speaker 1: that you're going to find the answer at the end
19:11
Speaker 1: of the rainbow, but you're not, and you will just
19:15
Speaker 1: drive yourself absolutely insane. You need to wean yourself off.
19:19
Speaker 1: You need to go cold turkey on this, and then
19:21
Speaker 1: you need to find things to replace what you're entertaining
19:25
Speaker 1: your mind with in that timeframe. Okay, So whether that
19:29
Speaker 1: be right now, I find it really difficult to be
19:32
Speaker 1: alone with my thoughts. So I'm going to reach out
19:34
Speaker 1: to my friends and say, hey, I'm going to lean
19:36
Speaker 1: on you. Can we do Can we plan something fun
19:39
Speaker 1: every single night this week? Even if it's just you
19:41
Speaker 1: come over and we cook past or whatever. I need
19:44
Speaker 1: to have little things to look forward to so I
19:46
Speaker 1: can be distracted around good, healthy companies. So that's one
19:49
Speaker 1: thing that I did that I found was so incredibly
19:53
Speaker 1: healing for my soul, which was having all these nice
19:57
Speaker 1: things to look forward to with people that really have
19:59
Speaker 1: my best intro at heart, who care for me, and
20:02
Speaker 1: we would not talk about it. We would only talk
20:04
Speaker 1: about it, and I'd establish I don't want to talk
20:06
Speaker 1: about it. If I raise the topic, then yes, it
20:09
Speaker 1: means I want to talk about it, but I don't
20:11
Speaker 1: want you bringing it up. Let's just talk about other things.
20:13
Speaker 1: Let's do other things, let's whatever. No social media, go
20:16
Speaker 1: cold turkey if possible, and if it's appropriate, block this person.
20:19
Speaker 1: I would do everything in my power to be like,
20:22
Speaker 1: this is in my past and I'm going to keep
20:25
Speaker 1: it in my past. I'm not going to try and
20:27
Speaker 1: bring what's in my past into my current future. That's
20:29
Speaker 1: the biggest disservice you're ever going to do to yourself
20:31
Speaker 1: this time that you're alive right now, you're never going
20:34
Speaker 1: to get back, and while you're in pain, you might
20:36
Speaker 1: as well use it for healing. Don't use it to
20:38
Speaker 1: keep you in this, you know, constant cycle of pain
20:43
Speaker 1: just because someone else has fucked up and caused you pain.
20:47
Speaker 1: Don't think, oh, well, this person has caused me pain,
20:49
Speaker 1: so I'm now going to continue that cycle again and
20:51
Speaker 1: again and again. You owe it to yourself to do
20:53
Speaker 1: everything in your power to allow yourself to heal and
20:56
Speaker 1: to keep you know, being aware of what that person
20:59
Speaker 1: is doing with their life is not allowing yourself to heal.
21:03
Speaker 1: So the way I look at it is if your
21:05
Speaker 1: friend was going through a really painful breakup, would you
21:08
Speaker 1: be like, oh my god, did you see what they posted?
21:10
Speaker 1: Oh my god, look at this photo? Or you would never.
21:13
Speaker 1: You would never, You would want to protect their mind.
21:15
Speaker 1: So you've got to do that to yourself. You've got
21:17
Speaker 1: to be like, how can I protect myself as if
21:19
Speaker 1: I was my best friend? And that is going cold turkey,
21:22
Speaker 1: healthy distractions, surrounded by great people. Start to rediscover yourself
21:27
Speaker 1: and your resilience as well through all of this, but
21:31
Speaker 1: number one, allow yourself to mourn. You are allowed to cry.
21:35
Speaker 1: Go listen to my episode on the Benefits of crying.
21:38
Speaker 1: When you're at that point where you're at the brink
21:40
Speaker 1: of tears, let the tears come. It is healthy to
21:43
Speaker 1: talk and vent and cry. Just don't be digging into
21:47
Speaker 1: the past looking for answers for the rest of your life,
21:49
Speaker 1: because you can get stuck in this spiral of negativity.
21:52
Speaker 1: Feel the feelings when they arise. If they're not arising,
21:54
Speaker 1: do something for yourself, do something that's fun, spend time
21:57
Speaker 1: with good people. All right, I'm so sorry that you
21:59
Speaker 1: were through that. That's fucked. It's fucked, and unfortunately so
22:03
Speaker 1: many people go through it, and it's just like, be single, mate,
22:06
Speaker 1: be fucking single. How hard is it? This is what
22:09
Speaker 1: blows my mind. How fucking hard is it to just
22:11
Speaker 1: not enter a monogamous relationship. The amount of people that
22:15
Speaker 1: are looking for healthy monogamous relationships and these can't have
22:18
Speaker 1: no issue entering them, but then they go and cheat,
22:21
Speaker 1: just be single, Like, oh, blows my mind. I'm sure
22:26
Speaker 1: there's a science behind it, and I'll do an episode
22:27
Speaker 1: on it, but blows my mind. All right, next one,
22:53
Speaker 1: Hi are you Lexis?
22:54
Speaker 5: I just want to start for saying love. Your podcast
22:56
Speaker 5: been hugged ever since you released the boundary episode Believe
23:00
Speaker 5: in the Winter. In your episodes, a lot of times
23:05
Speaker 5: people ask questions about how to deal with certain types
23:08
Speaker 5: of people who sometimes are like emotions, emotionally manipulative and
23:12
Speaker 5: like play the victim and all this stuff, and get frustrated,
23:17
Speaker 5: and you always talk about how it's not your job.
23:19
Speaker 3: To change them.
23:20
Speaker 5: You just have to put up the walls at your boundaries.
23:25
Speaker 5: They realize that they're fucked up, and then it's their
23:28
Speaker 5: job to change and come back into your life, improve
23:31
Speaker 5: to you that they've changed, and then it's your decision
23:34
Speaker 5: whether or not you want the back of your life.
23:36
Speaker 5: So on the opposite end, if somebody is that person
23:41
Speaker 5: who's like himself, manipulative, manipulating for money, playing the victim,
23:46
Speaker 5: all this stuff, and they realize it and they've put
23:49
Speaker 5: in the work to change, how do they come back
23:55
Speaker 5: and how do they kind of show people that they
23:58
Speaker 5: have changed, especially when people are expecting them to be
24:02
Speaker 5: that person. Yeah, I love your podcast.
24:07
Speaker 1: Okay, great, great question. I love when we can flip
24:11
Speaker 1: it around and look at it from a different perspective.
24:13
Speaker 1: That's such a good question. So let's talk about the
24:16
Speaker 1: hypothetical scenario. Okay, let's say that you're somebody who has
24:20
Speaker 1: gone and hurt someone. You've become aware of your behaviors
24:23
Speaker 1: and really aware, not just oh yep, I saw what
24:26
Speaker 1: I did, but you become self aware and you're like, oh,
24:28
Speaker 1: that was you know, I was hurting this person. This
24:30
Speaker 1: was you know, I was doing it for this reason,
24:32
Speaker 1: and I realized that it's actually not quite fair. It
24:34
Speaker 1: was a minute. So you've come to this realization. And
24:37
Speaker 1: not only have you come to that realization, but you're
24:39
Speaker 1: owning it. You're not trying to make excuses for it.
24:41
Speaker 1: You think, you know what, regardless of the reason, I've
24:44
Speaker 1: hurt people, and that's just not okay, And I want
24:46
Speaker 1: to change. Now you're in this position for like I
24:48
Speaker 1: need to change. You are looking at changing your reputation. Okay.
24:52
Speaker 1: We all have a reputation for many, many, many many
24:56
Speaker 1: things in our life. Some are really big things, some
24:58
Speaker 1: are really small things. And when it comes to reputation,
25:01
Speaker 1: you've got to realize that reputations take a while to build.
25:05
Speaker 1: The very good reputations can be broken very easily. Bad
25:10
Speaker 1: reputations take a while to turn it around, okay. And
25:16
Speaker 1: the reason for that is that when you hurt someone,
25:19
Speaker 1: people get their walls up, they get upset, they get hurt.
25:22
Speaker 1: So it's quite you know, you could be this monogamous,
25:25
Speaker 1: really caring person your entire life. You cheat on someone, Bang,
25:28
Speaker 1: your reputation's gone okay, and then you've got to work
25:30
Speaker 1: on rebuilding that up again. But then you look at
25:33
Speaker 1: smaller things, like if you say, for example, if you're
25:36
Speaker 1: always late, always late, and then you rock up on time.
25:41
Speaker 1: The first time you rock up on time, people are
25:42
Speaker 1: going to be like, wow, why you on time? Are
25:45
Speaker 1: you in the area? Well like that their surprise. They
25:48
Speaker 1: expect you to be late. The second time, they're like,
25:50
Speaker 1: what is in your water right now? What are you drinking?
25:52
Speaker 1: If that's two times in a row that you're on time,
25:54
Speaker 1: still surprise the third time. It won't be for a
25:57
Speaker 1: couple of weeks, depending the cadence of how you hang
26:00
Speaker 1: out with this person, but it's not going to be
26:02
Speaker 1: for a couple of weeks for that person to be
26:04
Speaker 1: like when you say, see you there at seven, and
26:06
Speaker 1: they'll be like, wow, you've actually consistently been there at
26:09
Speaker 1: seven for the last couple of weeks or months. You
26:11
Speaker 1: probably will be there at seven, and then they get
26:13
Speaker 1: there and you are, and then before you know it,
26:15
Speaker 1: after a matter of weeks or months, that person's like
26:17
Speaker 1: you are now a person of your word. You're actually
26:20
Speaker 1: now on time. But notice how that doesn't happen overnight.
26:23
Speaker 1: It takes ages, and the deeper the pain, the more
26:28
Speaker 1: that person keeps what happened in the forefront off their mind.
26:31
Speaker 1: So if you've gone and cheated on someone, if you've
26:34
Speaker 1: gone and manipulated someone, or been like really caddy and
26:38
Speaker 1: mean to someone, or if you were always a gossip
26:40
Speaker 1: and you were just known for being a gossip, that stuff,
26:43
Speaker 1: because it is more emotionally upsetting to people, and it
26:48
Speaker 1: weighs more. So the bigger the emotion, the heavier that's
26:51
Speaker 1: going to weigh in on their mind, they're going to
26:53
Speaker 1: remember it a lot easier. So you've got to understand,
26:56
Speaker 1: if you know you've been someone who's actually hurt someone
26:58
Speaker 1: a lot, that you have to be willing to invest
27:03
Speaker 1: this good, different kind of energy repeatedly for weeks or months. Okay, Now,
27:10
Speaker 1: if you've really made the change, and if it's really
27:13
Speaker 1: in you, then it shouldn't be that much energy. You're like,
27:16
Speaker 1: I've changed. I'm just hoping that these people see the
27:19
Speaker 1: change I've made. But I'm not pretending and I'm not
27:22
Speaker 1: putting in this effort just so they think I've toed
27:23
Speaker 1: this is just the real me. Now. I'm hoping that
27:26
Speaker 1: they see it within time, but it should be you
27:28
Speaker 1: should It's okay to be like. This is going to
27:31
Speaker 1: be a process. This is going to take a while,
27:35
Speaker 1: and sometimes it requires them seeing you treat other people
27:40
Speaker 1: that way. Sometimes it also requires a conversation. If possible,
27:44
Speaker 1: I would have the conversation and say I'm not expecting
27:47
Speaker 1: you to listen to my words and think that my
27:49
Speaker 1: words are enough. However, I am letting you know that
27:52
Speaker 1: I've put all these steps into practice and I am
27:55
Speaker 1: making the change. I really hope you see it, but
27:58
Speaker 1: what I would love is for you to see it
27:59
Speaker 1: through my bad behavior. You don't even have to listen
28:01
Speaker 1: to my words. I'm just letting you know where I'm at.
28:04
Speaker 1: But these are the changes I'm going to make. I'm
28:06
Speaker 1: going to stop doing this. I'm going to start doing this.
28:08
Speaker 1: I'm going to don bang bang bang bang bang bang again.
28:11
Speaker 1: You don't have to bank on my word. You're going
28:12
Speaker 1: to bank on my actions, and I will show you.
28:14
Speaker 1: So it's not saying will you give me a chance?
28:17
Speaker 1: Will you don't want to put the responsibility on the
28:19
Speaker 1: other person you're saying. I would like to let you
28:21
Speaker 1: know this. I would like for you to listen to
28:23
Speaker 1: what I have to say. But also I don't need
28:26
Speaker 1: you to put any weight on my word because I
28:28
Speaker 1: have let you down. What i'd love for you to
28:31
Speaker 1: put weight on, if you are willing, is on my
28:33
Speaker 1: actions moving forward. Just just pay attention to how I
28:35
Speaker 1: am over the next six twelve months. I'd love for
28:37
Speaker 1: you to give me another chance in the future as
28:39
Speaker 1: a friend, as whatever. Okay, that's what I would do.
28:42
Speaker 1: Your ego needs to be on the shelf or packaged
28:46
Speaker 1: away in the basement. You need to be really willing
28:49
Speaker 1: for them also to be like, you know what, I'm
28:51
Speaker 1: not interested in what you have to say, and for
28:53
Speaker 1: you to not get defensive and be like, I understand
28:56
Speaker 1: why you feel that way and I accept that. Okay,
28:59
Speaker 1: if if you can really show that you're willing to learn,
29:03
Speaker 1: You're not here to give excuses, You're here to listen,
29:06
Speaker 1: You're here to heal the relationship that will already be
29:11
Speaker 1: like this is new. This person's not making about them,
29:14
Speaker 1: they're not playing the victim. I've gone and shut them down,
29:16
Speaker 1: and they'll be like I accept that you've said that. Okay,
29:19
Speaker 1: so I feel like that's a really potentially a really
29:21
Speaker 1: healthy way that you can start changing it. But remember
29:24
Speaker 1: this could take months, and you've got to be willing
29:26
Speaker 1: to put in the effort. And I can guarantee you,
29:29
Speaker 1: at the very least, even if they don't become your
29:32
Speaker 1: friend again, at the very least that we'll see that
29:35
Speaker 1: behavior and be like, she did change. She changed and
29:38
Speaker 1: she is a better person. She's not who she used
29:40
Speaker 1: to be. So hopefully that helps. All right, now, I've
29:42
Speaker 1: got one final voice note. It's just a bit of
29:45
Speaker 1: a I'm going to play it. She's just asked for
29:47
Speaker 1: two recommendations for podcast episodes, and I thought i'd play
29:50
Speaker 1: it because they're just great and I will be doing
29:52
Speaker 1: episodes on this thanks to this most recent listener.
29:57
Speaker 6: Hilexis Love Love Love your podcast new branding is hot.
30:01
Speaker 6: By the way, I would like to hear a podcast
30:06
Speaker 6: episode about judgment, why people judge other people, why we
30:11
Speaker 6: judge ourselves, the whole thing about like ego. I would
30:15
Speaker 6: love for you to do a chat about that. Second
30:19
Speaker 6: thing is I would really like to hear a podcast
30:25
Speaker 6: about the age of thirty five, when you turn thirty five,
30:29
Speaker 6: and you haven't got children, you haven't got a partner,
30:31
Speaker 6: and it's just this sort of pressure from outside society
30:34
Speaker 6: that you think you have but you don't. Necessarily, no
30:37
Speaker 6: one's telling you that. I'd really love you to do
30:41
Speaker 6: a chat about that, just to create a new, fresh
30:43
Speaker 6: eye perspective, because at the moment, I'm sort of comparing
30:47
Speaker 6: to my friends, feeling really behind in where I'm at.
30:51
Speaker 6: But I'm also trying to take away that thirty five
30:54
Speaker 6: year old label. I would love if you, yeah, shed
30:58
Speaker 6: some light on that.
30:59
Speaker 1: Thank you, I can't wait. Bye, I like this, love
31:03
Speaker 1: you long time. Thank you so much for writing, for
31:07
Speaker 1: sending that voice message in that is. I love both
31:09
Speaker 1: of those and I definitely will be doing them. I
31:11
Speaker 1: do have an episode in the meantime that you could
31:14
Speaker 1: listen to that is kind of along those lines, but
31:17
Speaker 1: I will be doing one on judgment for sure, and
31:19
Speaker 1: that is comparison. I think it's called comparison will kill you,
31:21
Speaker 1: And that's a bit of like how we judge ourselves
31:25
Speaker 1: and based we judge ourselves based on who we're comparing
31:28
Speaker 1: ourselves to. But agreed, let's do a whole episode on judgment.
31:33
Speaker 1: Even if I have already done one with you for
31:34
Speaker 1: another one and then the thirties one that's very relevant
31:40
Speaker 1: to a lot of conversations that I've been having with
31:44
Speaker 1: some friends lately about thirty being in your mid thirties.
31:48
Speaker 1: There's so much I can say, so that's a whole episode.
31:50
Speaker 1: I've got Shania to write them down, and we're going
31:52
Speaker 1: to be doing those episodes in the very very near future.
31:56
Speaker 1: So thank you. Okay, Now, I would like to quickly
32:00
Speaker 1: read over some of your how you overcame anxious attachment,
32:07
Speaker 1: and I'm very grateful that you guys have written in
32:11
Speaker 1: So let's get straight into it. Let's do all this. Hi, Alexis,
32:14
Speaker 1: you have been a huge inspiration to me on my
32:16
Speaker 1: healing journey. I've come a very long way from the
32:18
Speaker 1: person I was when I started listening to your pod
32:20
Speaker 1: back in twenty twenty one. Amazing. Your books and pod
32:23
Speaker 1: have quite an impact on the changes I've made in
32:25
Speaker 1: that time. Keep being you and inspiring so many people
32:28
Speaker 1: like me. Thank you. A brief overview of my life experience.
32:31
Speaker 1: My father left when I was five. It was a
32:33
Speaker 1: messy divorce and he was very absent for my entire life.
32:36
Speaker 1: My mum, on the other hand, was very devoted, but
32:38
Speaker 1: unfortunately suffered from quite severe mental health and substance use.
32:41
Speaker 1: Still to this day. I noticed a lot of my
32:44
Speaker 1: adult relationships were quite abusive, and I was often whittled down.
32:48
Speaker 1: The one before my current relationship was DV after the
32:50
Speaker 1: honeymoon phase. I'm so sorry. Given that background, I was
32:55
Speaker 1: always quite anxiously attached, fearing I was going to be
32:58
Speaker 1: abandoned all the time, but then also quite push pull
33:00
Speaker 1: in relationships, wanting the intimacy, but then detaching quickly and
33:04
Speaker 1: feeling afraid of commitment in fear of getting hurt. I
33:07
Speaker 1: had this weird fear of being home too long, and
33:09
Speaker 1: would always keep myself busy or distracted so I wouldn't
33:12
Speaker 1: have to sit with my thoughts. After the last relationship,
33:15
Speaker 1: I found all of that was sort of broken down,
33:18
Speaker 1: and I became quite jaded. I stopped caring so much
33:21
Speaker 1: in fear of being hurt all over again. In the
33:24
Speaker 1: rebuilding phase. Then I met my current partner. He was
33:26
Speaker 1: securely attached, very independent, and had been single for a
33:30
Speaker 1: good couple of years and did a lot of work
33:31
Speaker 1: on himself. He was comfortable doing things on his own,
33:34
Speaker 1: and in his own company, and this influenced me over
33:37
Speaker 1: time to start enjoying my time at home and my
33:40
Speaker 1: own company instead of fearing it. Everything was relaxed and
33:43
Speaker 1: natural with him in the early phases instead of overbearing
33:46
Speaker 1: like my previous relationships, and it was not something I
33:49
Speaker 1: was used to. The longer I was with my current partner,
33:52
Speaker 1: the more I did work, as he provided a safe
33:54
Speaker 1: space to do that and has always been very supportive
33:57
Speaker 1: and encouraging growth. Almost four years together now and I'm
34:01
Speaker 1: the best self and have almost completed studies and I
34:04
Speaker 1: had kept putting off for over a decade and have
34:06
Speaker 1: started taking hobbies up again. I love this in regards
34:09
Speaker 1: to the attachment. When things have started to set up
34:12
Speaker 1: my anxiety like leaving the house for space during a fight,
34:15
Speaker 1: that's one of my biggest triggers, a timeframe is given
34:18
Speaker 1: where we sit down and discuss, and the more I've
34:21
Speaker 1: applied that over the years, the more settled I've been
34:23
Speaker 1: around it to the point where the separation anxiety is
34:25
Speaker 1: almost healed. Good and honest communication has also been a
34:29
Speaker 1: huge game changer and has facilitated strong trust. My partner
34:33
Speaker 1: isn't having to do nearly as much reassurance as he
34:36
Speaker 1: used to in the beginning stages as I can trust him.
34:38
Speaker 1: I still have a lot of personal work to do,
34:40
Speaker 1: but since twenty twenty one, I've come a very long way.
34:43
Speaker 1: That is amazing. Thank you so much for writing in Yeah.
34:48
Speaker 1: I think one thing that's very clear is if you
34:50
Speaker 1: are in a relationship with someone who is not creating
34:54
Speaker 1: a safe space for you, it's going to be and
34:56
Speaker 1: you are anxiously attached, it's going to be near impossible
34:59
Speaker 1: to heal your anxious attachment styles if you don't feel
35:02
Speaker 1: like you're in a safe and loving relationship. So that's
35:07
Speaker 1: great that your partner is the way he is. Next one, Hi, Alexis.
35:15
Speaker 1: I love your podcast. It has helped me through my
35:17
Speaker 1: healing journey. Thank you. Awareness and therapy. That's the toolkit
35:21
Speaker 1: for me healing my anxious attachment. At least for me
35:24
Speaker 1: it is. My journey started two years ago, a few
35:27
Speaker 1: months after I'd got together with my girlfriend. I've been
35:30
Speaker 1: cheated on by my ex and that destroyed me and
35:32
Speaker 1: my sense of self. My self esteem has been the
35:35
Speaker 1: lowest it ever has. One day, I just couldn't take
35:38
Speaker 1: it anymore. I could not take my thoughts, these constant
35:41
Speaker 1: thoughts that would just never fucking stop torturing me. So
35:44
Speaker 1: I decided to go to therapy. My therapist has been wonderful. Luckily,
35:48
Speaker 1: I don't need her anymore because I'm in such a
35:51
Speaker 1: good place in my life and I've learned to self soothe.
35:54
Speaker 1: It was a hard journey, and it took a lot
35:56
Speaker 1: of courage to talk to my partner about my feelings
35:58
Speaker 1: and all, especially not trying to accuse, because that's something
36:02
Speaker 1: that people so easily do. Very true. Anyway, I was
36:06
Speaker 1: just going crazy with jealousy and negative thoughts. I was
36:08
Speaker 1: not able to enjoy anything for real and just for me.
36:11
Speaker 1: My thoughts have always been busy thinking what my partner
36:14
Speaker 1: is doing and all that shit. I was just so
36:16
Speaker 1: It was just so exhausting, and I feel really sorry
36:19
Speaker 1: for my younger self because the most important thing that
36:21
Speaker 1: I've learned through this journey is nobody can ever make
36:25
Speaker 1: you feel worse than the thoughts, than your thoughts and
36:28
Speaker 1: your perspective do. That's so true. I always wanted to
36:32
Speaker 1: heal and get over it, but now I don't think
36:34
Speaker 1: or need that anymore. I know now that some things
36:37
Speaker 1: may never heal, but you can learn to deal and
36:40
Speaker 1: that's a lot. This is very very deep message. I'm
36:43
Speaker 1: loving this and that's a lot. It's the most important thing.
36:46
Speaker 1: Every minute I've been through pain was worth it because
36:49
Speaker 1: I cannot explain in words how good I feel now
36:52
Speaker 1: about me, my life and my time. I love spending
36:55
Speaker 1: time with all my loved ones and that includes myself
36:57
Speaker 1: now too, and that's just something so beautiful and I
37:01
Speaker 1: hope everyone will experience that one day. By the way,
37:03
Speaker 1: I'm a Swiss bean. I would love it if you
37:05
Speaker 1: could come visit us on your next Europe to a
37:08
Speaker 1: dunker for your courage to do what you do. You've
37:10
Speaker 1: helped us so much. Thank you so much, and I
37:13
Speaker 1: would absolutely love to go to Switzerland. That country is
37:16
Speaker 1: fucking divine, amazing. I love this self awareness. I love
37:20
Speaker 1: and agreed like, if you do have the resources at
37:24
Speaker 1: your disposal, at your disposal to get therapy, it's just
37:28
Speaker 1: such a great tool to use. If you can so
37:31
Speaker 1: highly recommend it. If that's something that you're considering, try it.
37:34
Speaker 1: It will not hurt to try. Hi, Alexis, I just
37:38
Speaker 1: listened to your episode on anxious attachment in the hope
37:41
Speaker 1: of getting some advice. I've been listening to your podcast
37:43
Speaker 1: since the very beginning, and let me tell you I
37:46
Speaker 1: needed to. I can't even tell you how much of
37:48
Speaker 1: a different person I am since anyway, I listened to
37:52
Speaker 1: this episode thinking I needed some advice, and while listening
37:55
Speaker 1: to it, I realized I don't. I used to be
37:58
Speaker 1: the most anxiously attached person you could. I'm talking textbook
38:01
Speaker 1: anxiously attached. So when you said please write in if
38:04
Speaker 1: you've managed to come from anxious to securely attached, I
38:10
Speaker 1: literally dropped everything and rushed to the laptop to write
38:12
Speaker 1: to you how I did it with you? Mostly? Oh,
38:17
Speaker 1: I mean I also had CBT, and I also started
38:20
Speaker 1: taking care of myself, but mostly because if you smelts
38:22
Speaker 1: my haunt. I do have to say that the click
38:25
Speaker 1: where you realize you're safe now can only happen when
38:28
Speaker 1: you're attached. I was single and in relationships for a while,
38:32
Speaker 1: which is not a state to be in to evaluate
38:34
Speaker 1: your attachment style. I do have a partner now who
38:36
Speaker 1: communicates clearly, and it's like you'd say, a fucking legend.
38:40
Speaker 1: I want everyone on the journey to know that you
38:42
Speaker 1: cannot change your attachment style by changing your attachment style.
38:45
Speaker 1: It goes down far deeper than that. If you're anxiously attached,
38:49
Speaker 1: you're probably anxiously attached to yourself too. Change that and
38:52
Speaker 1: you'll change your attachment style. But all in all, I've
38:55
Speaker 1: got to say, listening to your podcast was the clue.
38:58
Speaker 1: Of course, I did the work and I want to change,
39:00
Speaker 1: and I spend hours and days and years with my healing,
39:03
Speaker 1: But listening to your podcast got the whole self induced
39:06
Speaker 1: neuroplasticity training going amazing. Even when I just turn it
39:10
Speaker 1: on to have your voice in the background, I know
39:12
Speaker 1: that I am subconsciously reprogramming to be a badass bitch.
39:16
Speaker 1: I love that. So this is also a thank you note.
39:19
Speaker 1: Thank you for what you're doing. You have truly found
39:21
Speaker 1: your calling. You are making this world a better place.
39:23
Speaker 1: That is beautiful. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much
39:26
Speaker 1: for sharing your stories and writing. And I love reading that.
39:28
Speaker 1: I love just this perspective. So people realize that, you know,
39:33
Speaker 1: when you start doing the work. It sounds like a
39:35
Speaker 1: lot when someone says, oh, it took me months, or
39:36
Speaker 1: it took me a couple of years, but you'll look back.
39:38
Speaker 1: Time's going to pass anyway. It's always worth it. And
39:41
Speaker 1: there's so many success stories of people that have gone
39:44
Speaker 1: through what they needed to go through or what they
39:47
Speaker 1: all as far as the healing process. Gone through that
39:49
Speaker 1: healing process, you don't ever need to go through emotional
39:53
Speaker 1: abuse or trauma. But I'm saying needing to heal, taking
39:56
Speaker 1: the time to heal, and then looking back being like yep,
40:00
Speaker 1: I put in all this effort. It was a bit
40:01
Speaker 1: of a bumpy ride, but I got there in the end, Okay.
40:03
Speaker 1: So I want you to realize it it's always worth
40:05
Speaker 1: putting in the time and the effort, and just because
40:07
Speaker 1: you feel a certain way now, it doesn't mean that
40:09
Speaker 1: you always have to feel that way. So thank you
40:12
Speaker 1: for writing in. I really really really appreciate that. To
40:15
Speaker 1: wrap up this episode, I'm just going to leave you
40:18
Speaker 1: with a little audio clip of module two in my book.
40:21
Speaker 1: Like I said, there's five modules. The first module is
40:24
Speaker 1: on identity, and the second module is on limitations. So
40:28
Speaker 1: the aim of this second module is to get really
40:31
Speaker 1: really clear on what your self imposed limitations are and
40:36
Speaker 1: what your limitations that are not within your control are.
40:40
Speaker 1: So that way, we've really priming ourselves to know where
40:43
Speaker 1: we can work on things where we can't, what we
40:46
Speaker 1: can improve, what we can completely transform, and you're able
40:49
Speaker 1: to kind of have like a playbook in front of
40:51
Speaker 1: you to really get fucking and clear on what's to come,
40:55
Speaker 1: what's next, and with zero judgment, with zero kind of
40:59
Speaker 1: old narratives attached to that. It's a really exciting module.
41:04
Speaker 1: There's a bit kind of there's a lot of like
41:06
Speaker 1: introspection and really paying attention to who you are, who
41:11
Speaker 1: you are from a subconscious point of view, what your
41:14
Speaker 1: thoughts are about not only yourself, but what you're capable
41:17
Speaker 1: of achieving and what you're capable, what you're deserving off.
41:20
Speaker 1: It's a very I would say, it's actually quite a
41:23
Speaker 1: fun module. Once you get through that, oh I've got
41:25
Speaker 1: to like face what I deemed to be in my limitations,
41:28
Speaker 1: It can actually get quite fun. Okay, So I want
41:30
Speaker 1: you to stay tuned and listen to this little snippet
41:34
Speaker 1: to finish up the podcast episode for today, and before that,
41:39
Speaker 1: I will just sign off saying I adore you guys.
41:41
Speaker 1: Thank you for the support with the book and the podcast.
41:44
Speaker 1: Keep rating and reviewing it, keep sharing the podcast, and
41:47
Speaker 1: as always, be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain.
41:50
Speaker 1: Don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit
41:53
Speaker 1: from yourself. Dunca, It's time to make friends with your limitations.
42:18
Speaker 1: We want to get very acquainted to know everything there
42:22
Speaker 1: is to know about them. The more you know about
42:25
Speaker 1: your limitations, the better you're understanding around what you can
42:30
Speaker 1: or cannot do about them. The first step in this
42:33
Speaker 1: process is learning the difference between limitations you can change
42:37
Speaker 1: and those you cannot. Take a moment to consider something
42:42
Speaker 1: that's preventing you from reaching a goal. This may be
42:45
Speaker 1: a weakness, an insecurity, or a limitation. All these things
42:50
Speaker 1: have the ability to hold you back or slow you down. First,
42:55
Speaker 1: we need to go over how to differentiate between them.
43:00
Speaker 1: In Security is your own perception of something that may
43:03
Speaker 1: or may not be true or may not align with
43:07
Speaker 1: other people's perception of you. For example, you may be
43:12
Speaker 1: insecure about a physical trait and think that others notice
43:17
Speaker 1: it and judge you, but it is actually only noticeable
43:21
Speaker 1: to you. You may also think that you are not
43:24
Speaker 1: good enough to achieve something a friend has achieved, despite
43:28
Speaker 1: having no measurable proof to show that you are not
43:31
Speaker 1: as good as your peer. It is a feeling or
43:35
Speaker 1: perception you as the individual hold. A weakness, on the
43:40
Speaker 1: other hand, is a part of reality. It is not subjective.
43:45
Speaker 1: It can be something that you struggle with, like an addiction,
43:48
Speaker 1: a compulsion, constant procrastinating, or a lack of drive to
43:53
Speaker 1: get up and take action. When you think about something
43:57
Speaker 1: or someone that is weak, it's objective. For example, you
44:01
Speaker 1: can either lift a certain amount of weight or you
44:05
Speaker 1: can't notice. However, that both of these things. Insecurities and
44:10
Speaker 1: weaknesses can be changed. You can increase your strength physically
44:16
Speaker 1: or mentally through training, and you can face your insecurities
44:20
Speaker 1: to change how you perceive them and eventually have them
44:24
Speaker 1: fade away. A limitation is any circumstance or rule that
44:29
Speaker 1: restricts you. So both insecurities and weaknesses could fall into
44:34
Speaker 1: this category because they are blocks in front of you
44:37
Speaker 1: that are restricting you from moving forward. If you are
44:41
Speaker 1: up against something you can change, then you want to
44:44
Speaker 1: be in a position of awareness where you have studied
44:47
Speaker 1: it and you are taking productive steps to make improvements.
44:51
Speaker 1: And if you're dealing with something unchangeable or that you
44:55
Speaker 1: cannot change in the moment, being comfortable with that limitation
45:00
Speaker 1: is an important step toward learning to be comfortable with
45:03
Speaker 1: yourself and understanding that perfection does not need to be
45:08
Speaker 1: achieved