Latest / WOC and Allies: Business and Career Realtalk with Elaine Lou Cartas / 50. Prioritizing YOU VS. Other People’s Expectations with Christene Joy

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50. Prioritizing YOU VS. Other People’s Expectations with Christene Joy · WOC and Allies: Business and Career Realtalk with Elaine Lou Cartas

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: As women, we were unfortunately born into putting other people's expectations before our own.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_01: A family member calls you, you're expected to run over the next two minutes when planning an event.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: You're expected to think about what other people want and not what you want.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_01: Because maybe what you want might hurt someone else's feelings.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's a lot, isn't it?
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: So how do you unlearn this expectation for pleasing other people and start putting yourself first?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we delve deep with my client and friend, Christine Joy, who is a joy in leadership coach and yoga instructor.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_01: So let's drop the beat.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: So you can lead without sacrificing your well-being.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: So expect me and my guests to have some conscious conversations with you on creating intentional direction and sustainable strategies so that you can create an aligned team, career, business, and life.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_01: Don't worry, I'm not gonna give you a one-size-fits-all prescription.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: You'll learn how to define your own holistic leadership so you can prioritize a life led by fulfillment and self-trust.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: Now, grab your coffee, tea, or boba and let's call your dreams to lead your legacy.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: Hey legacy makers, I'm excited to have my friend and client, Christine Joy Gonzalez, who is the courageous Equanimus Officer, aka CEO, of Lead with Joy.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: And Joy stands for just own yourself.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_01: Christine Joy is a joy and leadership coach and yoga instructor.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: And what's perfect, just like the acronym of her company, Just Own Yourself, which means Joy, is we're gonna talk about that.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_01: How to just own yourself as a woman of color and not other people's expectations, which is difficult.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: So, Christine Joy, I'm glad to have you.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, thank you for having me, Irene.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm so excited to be here.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we I'd love to hear what got you to focus on.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, obviously it's part of your name.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: Your full first name is Christine Joy.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: Just own yourself.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: What got you to be a coach and why do you feel like it's so important to just own yourself, especially as a woman of color?
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: So I love this question because it really makes me think back to like why I decided to make this path for myself.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I would say that this is one of my origin stories, essentially, and it goes back to like when I was born.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Take us back to the 80s.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, so I'm gonna take you all the way back, y'all.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: So my birthday recently passed, it was in December, and apparently my due date was Christmas time.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: And my aunt actually decided to name me Christine Joy.
• 4:05
  SPEAKER_00: I came out a little earlier than Christmas, and so Christine Joy was my name, and that was given to me.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: Growing up, I only introduced myself as Christine, and I for some reason just omitted the joy part.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, it that just happened for many, many years.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_00: And and I think it was just like internalized pressure to actually feel that joy.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_00: But also that was just how I exuded myself too, like to the point of toxic positivity, though, right?
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: So define that in a bit, but continue your story.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe a few years back during the pandemic, of course, where it was like pause, deep reflection.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, why does it feel so hard right now to really feel good, even though I am always a happy person, right?
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: And it it really took me some time.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: And this is also the first time that I was like, you know, it's time to like really invest in a therapist.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like that was my first investment for myself that had nothing to do with work, right?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: So, like, there's a difference there too of investing in personal development or just self-care and mental health.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: And I realized that again, I think I already talked about it or alluded to it, but I just never, never really owned my full name, Christine Joy.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: And Joy was like just that, just own yourself.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, just fucking own yourself, Christine.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that's how it started.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: And I also just realized that as a woman of color, we hide so many parts of ourselves, right?
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Just to please other people, to make us look a certain way, whether that's in front of family, whether that's in front of our coworkers, whether that's in front of men, or whether that's in front of just complete strangers, because you want to give the best first impression, right?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: But little did I know that by just not owning myself, uh really doing myself a disservice.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: And it just felt really icky.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: So it has been a personal challenge to be able to live joyfully in the most authentic and aligned way, and to just own myself.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to be able to do that as a joy and leadership coach for my clients.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, you know, I share a similar story.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: I think I've shared with you already, but for listeners that don't know, my full first name is Elaine Lou, and everyone always calls me Elaine.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_01: Still to this day, everyone calls Elaine.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: And I felt like when I started my business, oh, I haven't owned myself fully.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: Elaine Liu.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: And when you Google it, Elaine means light, and Lou means warrior.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: You can Google if you don't trust me.
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_01: So I literally mean light warrior.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_01: So there was that.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I also want to bring back to you what you shared about toxic positivity, especially being a woman.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: I think it's important to remind ourselves for those who are listening, majority of you are women, is that we're born and raised as women to be the supporting role, where we're constantly supporting others, whether it's our father, our parents, our siblings, and not learning to be that lead actress or actor, however, you identify.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of growing up as a woman of color is unlearning that, understanding that we grew up in the societal cultural expectations, but it's unlearning that.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: So I'd love for you to share how.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_01: And also there's like mindset struggles and knowing that we please our parents and all that.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, for sure.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like, how as women of color do we deal with expectations from family?
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: The expectations of how it is to be a woman, a woman of color, a daughter, a sister, a mother to put ourselves first when we were taught that that's being selfish.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna take a moment and just like breathe into that question because I feel like that is the challenge, right?
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: That I am still unlearning.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Same.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: And we'll probably continue to unlearn for a very long time.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: And that's okay, right?
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: For majority of my life thus far, I am the eldest of three, right?
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the only daughter, and in fact, I am the only girl amongst the sea of cousins that I have who I grew up with here in the US.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so, just naturally, a lot of judgment and expectations and just wanting for me to really succeed was just a lot of pressure for me.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, when you're young, you just don't really think about it in this way.
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: You just kind of like follow people's directions because, yeah, we're still developing, right?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: But here we are as an adult, and you're just like, wait, I don't want to be a doctor, I don't want to be a nurse, I don't want to be a lawyer, right?
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: And all of these other jobs that are so worldly and also really thankful for those people that actually love those professions and that they're in it.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: But for me, it just didn't feel right.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I had to honor that.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I think the pressure that I felt was it just felt like a gut punch every time, right?
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: Like I'm actually punching my gut right now.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Where if my mom was like, Oh my gosh, are you sure?
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: Are you sure you don't want to be a doctor?
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Are you sure?
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just like gut punch, gut punch.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, uh no, I don't want to.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: And that's just like one example of many, right?
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: The people-pleasing tendency is very strong, is strong within me.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I think again, it's just the thing that I'm really unlearning.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: It has gotten me far.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: I want to honor that.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: It has gotten me far in my own career path and the way that I serve communities.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: But I feel like I can step up to be even a more better leader, authentic leader, where I really know what I care about and what I value and how I want to deliver it.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that level of confidence is pure joy.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's just why I love what I do.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: I love what I do.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like we were talking about earlier, the hard part is unlearning.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: And I grew up similar to you, being the oldest daughter, two boys.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_01: So grew up being a tomboy, my mom trying to put me in dresses and stockings, and I kept ripping it because I kept playing with my brothers, going over gates.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: Hated them.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: They were so itchy.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_01: If you remember back in the day, those dresses.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yep.
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_01: And I remember there was a point in one of my first jobs.
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_01: My boss asked me because I was working on a political campaign.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: So there was an end to it, because election day was coming.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: And he asked me, Elaine, what do you want?
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: And what was so sad was I don't know.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: And it was surprising.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: And that was kind of my eye-opening moment where, oh my God, I was valedictorian.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: I got straight A's.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: I did what everyone told me to do, right?
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: The American dream, being a first-gen immigrant, all those pressures of, oh my gosh, what do I want?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: And not learning to trust my own gut, trust what I want.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm curious for you, like, where was that turning point where it was realizing I've been people pleasing and I want to do what feels good for me?
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: I probably felt it in college, but it never like the that awareness was newly forming, right?
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: But but fast forward to maybe almost three years ago, that's when it started to really come together.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, uh I need to really unlearn this, right?
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: I need to talk about it more.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Why does it feel so shitty when I'm gossiping with friends?
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like, why does it feel so shitty when I hear something and I'm like, oh, I don't really agree with that?
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: And like I just didn't have the confidence to speak up.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, I was very much a wallflower at work.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I would only speak up when I knew that I could do something, right?
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: But that also just felt shitty.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I am not a doer, I'm a human being.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like I can feel these emotions and express it in a way that is truthful and still do good work.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: But that was missing for me.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that was because I allowed my people pleasing tendencies to take over and just kind of shape shift, right?
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_00: To make sure that whatever path my team was on, whatever path that, you know, a student was on, that I wouldn't disturb the piece, you know, that they know better, that I can just be that supporting role, as you've described earlier already.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: But it has taken a huge turn.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: I can now challenge people and I can in insert my perspective.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it's pretty cool because, you know, quite literally, my parents are are noticing that.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I do it in a way that it's subtle, but still like effective.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: So it's great.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: So let's talk about that.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_01: How?
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_01: How do you do that with your parents and other folks where you understand that they might be hurt by it, they might be used to it.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_01: Also, I want to remind folks, you're not responsible for other people's responses.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_01: So I would love for you to share some tips and advice to our listeners.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
• 14:21
  SPEAKER_00: This is so good.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: I it was just so nice.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: All of last year was just a really big year for me in terms of, you know, really building a foundation for lead with joy.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: And that really was a personal transformation because I had to really put myself out there in ways that I've never had before.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, getting hit with like rejection or like feeling like I wasn't enough or not deserving of opportunities, I had to like really rise from that mentality and just say that I'm doing my best, right?
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: And to really follow what's in alignment for me.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_00: I bring that all to say that it was brought to the test when my family and I went to Hawaii in November.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: And at this point, I was like, okay, you know, like this is my nuclear family, my mom, my dad, my two brothers, myself, and then our significant others.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: So, and then my son.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_00: So it's kind of like, okay, this is a big party.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it was put to the test when my mom was like, and you know, mom, you're listening, I love you.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_00: But really, she wanted to be with me, with everyone all the time.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, we are adults, we want to do other things.
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: We don't want to let go to the mall.
• 15:47
  SPEAKER_00: We don't want to, we we want to be able to explore, right?
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: This trip is for us as a family, but also for adults, for individuals that really want to explore.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: So I had to pull out some boundaries.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, you know what?
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_00: I like the agenda that we have, but also I'd like a free day where we just come together for dinner, but really for the morning, afternoon, we just want to be able to like be on our own and not be controlled by the agenda because that's not gonna serve us.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's gonna make us more angry, it's gonna make us have resentment.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_00: And so it was great.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: And my mom respected that.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I thought that was a huge win for me because past me would not have said that, would not have pulled out that boundary, and I would have been like convincing, convincing my own husband to be like, oh, we have to meet my family, you know, for for this and that.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, that's that's just I don't know, it doesn't feel good, especially as an adult.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: So since that moment forward, I felt like this this spark of confidence of like, okay, I can speak up now, even to my own parents.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_00: So it's a huge win.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: And it's the way to say it, right?
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, no, I can't talk.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_01: I I don't want to go, I need to run myself, right?
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_01: Like it's the tone.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_01: That's what I want people to hear.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_01: But what I'm hearing is that you pause, right?
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: What I really want, me and my husband, my son really just want time to explore other things and we'll have dinner here.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_01: And I think so often, especially coming in an immigrant family, first-gen immigrant, it's like we need to be doing all things together all the time.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: But we also need to break.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_01: We also need to break in space from even our own partners.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like I share a similar story where on the same day we were plotting this triple, we're planning this triple date.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: So it hasn't happened yet.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_01: And we've planned it for a month in advance.
• 17:43
  SPEAKER_01: I haven't seen my my best friend in six months just because it was my partner's dad's death, then my grandma's death.
• 17:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like you've been trying to plan things all at the end of 2022, and it just didn't happen.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_01: So we had this thing planned, but then my partner's family had something planned.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_01: Philippines are so last minute, man.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_01: They planned it like two weeks before.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, Oh, I should go.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_01: And then I and he even encouraged me, Well, we've been planning this.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have to go with my family.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_01: Obviously, I need to go with my family, but you should go with your friend.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, actually, I do.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_01: I want to be with my best friend, love family, love yours.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_01: I just need a break from all families right now.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_01: And I just want to be with my chosen family with my friends.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_01: So it wasn't even hard.
• 18:30
  SPEAKER_01: I was acknowledging it wasn't hard to create that boundary and make that decision.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_01: It was to him, it was more so harder, like, oh, this is what I want.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_01: And I could go after it.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_01: And the old me would have been thinking, where is she?
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_01: She should be here, should be supporting him.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, I'm things like just because of one incident, we're really gonna measure a relationship or how it is.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we're all also humans.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_01: So what I want folks to hear from what both Christine and I shared, it's it's honoring you and what you want.
• 19:06
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_01: Legacy leader, want more tips and advice for your business, career, and life?
• 19:12
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• 19:19
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• 19:21
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• 19:27
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• 20:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I would love to go more in depth of any tips or advice on creating boundaries.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_01: Because it's so easy as a woman of color to do everything everyone's gonna ask you to do or need support in.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_00: This question is gonna bring me to introduce or at least remind folks if they haven't heard about it already, of the mindset of scarcity versus abundance, right?
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: Scarcity versus abundance.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I used to come, and I still do, right?
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: That old operating system likes to creep in from time to time.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: And that mindset was being scarce.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: And it makes sense coming from an immigrant family who, you know, my parents came from another country and had to really figure out, navigate everything for the first time.
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, you're just in survival mode.
• 21:07
  SPEAKER_00: You're not really sure, like if you're making the right decision or not.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_00: You truly had to survive, right?
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_00: To make it out.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now, being the daughter of immigrants, that is embedded in me.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I also now have this opportunity to make different choices.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's the slight nuance that I'd like folks to know that we do have a choice to be able to make decisions that are different from our parents and our grandparents and their parents.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_00: And let's move forward just a little bit.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: My own son, right?
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: Even though he may be second generation, third generation, I would want him to kind of challenge the norm that he grew up in, right?
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: I want him to.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Make conscious decisions because I'm sure that the way that we're living is not the best.
• 22:05
  SPEAKER_00: So I would want him to also move forward with his own way of living that is aligned to him.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: So that's the mindset that I wanted to remind folks of is that we can honor that scarcity mindset, that survival mindset that we grew up with.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: It has served us so much.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: It has gotten us far.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: Like that is the self-compassion that I teach my clients, that I allow them to honor.
• 22:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like, okay, yeah, we're here now.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: We're here now.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: But also this healing journey is making me realize that I can honor my own truths, honor my joy, honor my intuition, honor all of the gifts that I have been given.
• 22:51
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's the abundance mindset.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: And it's hard.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard because of course, like the survival way is like either or.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta do this or we're gonna lose.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: You got, you know, you gotta win or we're gonna suffer.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: And let's kind of live in the gray.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: Let's kind of live in the middle.
• 23:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I invite folks to explore.
• 23:15
  SPEAKER_00: And yeah, so some tips.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: Real good tips here is to pause.
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: You're like, what does that even mean?
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_00: What does pause mean?
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_00: What does pause even mean as I speak?
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: As Elaine and I have this conversation, if you feel empowered to literally pause this podcast and just notice what thoughts are coming up for you, what emotions are coming up for you, and where it's reacting in your body, that is a true pause.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: You're digesting information in a way that is authentic to you.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna take time to notice.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: Like, do I align with what they're saying?
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to, but you're giving yourself permission to just come from a place of like internal knowing, right?
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_00: And so pausing, it sounds easy because you're just like, sure, pause.
• 24:16
  SPEAKER_00: But the real intention behind the pause is like, can you access the emotions where your body is reacting, what thoughts are going through your mind, and take genuine note of what those are.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_00: And then you get to make the best aligned decision for yourself, right?
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_00: Like that is joy.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: You're just owning yourself, right?
• 24:42
  SPEAKER_00: So much of the urgency culture is like, we gotta go, we gotta move, we gotta make a decision, we gotta act now.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: So the pause is really powerful.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_00: Pause is powerful.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_00: So that would be my number one tip.
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I think if it's uncomfortable, go ahead.
• 25:00
  SPEAKER_01: I I also want to share there's a thing that I learned from my therapist.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's called zones of regulation.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_01: Christine, I know I've shared it with you, but acknowledging what you're feeling, right?
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_01: So let's say you had a very difficult conversation with a friend or family member or even clients, and you notice you're angry.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_01: So angry is like the red red zone.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_01: Yellow is your worried, and then blue is your sad.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_01: Acknowledging that you may be in a negative emotion, giving yourself to pause and wait until you are calm, which is the green zone to respond.
• 25:34
  SPEAKER_01: So you might might take time and space.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_01: So even in my own relationship, I let my partner know hey, I know we're having a discussion right now.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_01: I am not in the right space to continue having this conversation right now.
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_01: Let's talk about it tomorrow.
• 25:49
  SPEAKER_01: Because I used to be crazy.
• 25:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like I would respond right away whenever there was difficult conversations.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_01: I would yell, my tone would be horrible, I would say things that were just not so great.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_01: So I apologized to all of my exes before because I was just so crazy.
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_01: I didn't know how to self-regulate and when to respond to things.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I love that example.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: And I also just wanted to say when you said co-regulate, I learned that the word regulation, if that word's like not like forming an idea, co-like you're creating a relationship with yourself.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_00: Regulate relationship, you're regulating, right?
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_00: So if that supports people, it supported me just to understand it a lot better.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_00: And what I was gonna say for step number two is once you are now in that pause mode, rather than making a quick decision, you're still gonna slow it down and take a deep breath, right?
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna take a deep breath so that now your nervous system is in unison with like what's coming up for you.
• 26:54
  SPEAKER_00: And then you can make that decision, right?
• 26:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's a process.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like I know that I'm pointing out points one, two, three, you know, and stuff like that.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: But as you continue to do that, it'll become a lot easier.
• 27:10
  SPEAKER_00: And then the last thing that I will say is you gotta freaking celebrate the fact that we're going through this process.
• 27:18
  SPEAKER_00: This is the joy part.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, absolutely.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: Like this is a liberated practice.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: How often do you get that opportunity at work or at home to be like, hey, take your time.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: Take your time, like get back to me in whenever you're ready, right?
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: But when you do that for yourself, we must celebrate because when we do, we start to build that self-trust with ourselves.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: We get to tell our brain, like, hey, it's not like it's not about the decision that is right or that is best for all.
• 27:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's like, does it does it feel good here first?
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 28:02
  SPEAKER_00: So, yeah, self-trust is huge for me too.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: Self-trust is big for me and my clients.
• 28:09
  SPEAKER_00: And in an all-in-all, we want to be able to learn how to respond versus react to certain situations or all situations.
• 28:18
  SPEAKER_01: So pause, agree and celebrate.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, yes, easy.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_01: So I love ending episodes with what is one action item or reflection, maybe it's both, maybe it's one on the same, that you want to give our listeners when it comes to just owning yourself and creating boundaries.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 28:41
  SPEAKER_00: I guess just going back to that word when you said boundaries, when you implement this process, right, of pausing, breathing, and celebrating, you're you're forming that boundary, right?
• 28:54
  SPEAKER_00: Like you're saying, like, hey, I'm gonna take my time to process this, like that in itself is a boundary, right?
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: So I guess one tip for you all is to really explore, is to really explore what brings you joy, and I want to take a little bit of time to differentiate what joy versus happiness means.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: When I say what brings you joy, I really do mean like what lights your heart up, like what makes you like just so like feels good.
• 29:37
  SPEAKER_00: There's a there's a there's a sense of strong confidence within, right?
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_00: That it's unbreakable, it's unbreakable truth.
• 29:45
  SPEAKER_00: You just feel like, okay, this is what feels good for me, and this is what I want to go for.
• 29:52
  SPEAKER_00: Happiness, on the other hand, are like it's still great to define happiness and to explore that as well.
• 29:59
  SPEAKER_00: But typically, happiness is attached to something external, right?
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_00: Like, I will feel happy when I get that new job.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_00: I will feel happy when I get that new car, I will feel happy when I'll be able to like host a family gathering, right?
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_00: Or any other example like that.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: Joy is very much like I want to find that inner peace that that just inner knowing that I put in a lot of effort and also just knowing that anything that I do, nothing can be taken away from me or that can be taken away from me.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_00: So just explore, you know, maybe if all it blurs the lines between joy and happiness because it can, but start to build that joy practice, start to explore what what it is, what are the things that bring you joy.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_00: Could be reading, it could be going out outside, it could be speaking your truth more, right?
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: So just exploring is is the tip that I'd like to share.
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_01: So it's exploring what brings you joy internally, as opposed to like we all create this, right?
• 31:17
  SPEAKER_01: Because we live in a capitalistic society.
• 31:19
  SPEAKER_01: As soon as I get that six-figure salary, as soon as I get this next client, as soon as I get the speaking gig.
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_01: And for those of you that have Apple TV, a really great interview and episode to watch is one with Oprah and Viola Davis.
• 31:33
  SPEAKER_01: And if you don't have Apple TV, I'm pretty sure you could find it on YouTube.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_01: But Viola Davis gripped very poor, or what she describes, pull, where she was a bedwetter, like they barely made it for rent.
• 31:48
  SPEAKER_01: And she just went through a lot, which I didn't realize.
• 31:50
  SPEAKER_01: And she was able to make it to Juilliard.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_01: And she figured, okay, if I hit all of these successes, like would an Oscar, wouldn't Golden Globes, like all the check marks it is to be a Hollywood actress or actor, which she has gotten.
• 32:03
  SPEAKER_01: She finally reached that and then kind of went through an identity crisis of, wait, this is it?
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't there more?
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_01: So great interview to watch.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone has shared this type of experience, I know, including myself.
• 32:19
  SPEAKER_01: I remember getting my master's and the day I graduated.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, wait, I did what everyone told me to do.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_01: So, Christine, since you are a joint leadership coach and a yoga instructor from the Bay Area, how can people find you?
• 32:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, thanks for asking.
• 32:40
  SPEAKER_00: Well, y'all, I live in the San Jose or south of San Jose area.
• 32:46
  SPEAKER_00: And you can find me first and foremost on my Instagram page at lead.with.joy.
• 32:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I'm also on LinkedIn.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_00: And those for now are where you can find me.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_00: And I'd love to connect.
• 33:01
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are local around San Jose Bay Area, I also teach Yoga at certain areas around my my neighborhood.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_00: So come find me, come connect with me.
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm really excited.
• 33:14
  SPEAKER_00: Like, let's just break break society expectations of having to achieve and strive and chase and really just to break barriers.
• 33:25
  SPEAKER_00: And the simplest thing that we can do is really listen to ourselves.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_00: So again, just thank you for this.
• 33:32
  SPEAKER_01: You're welcome.
• 33:34
  SPEAKER_01: And how do you work with people?
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_01: Can you tell them a coach?
• 33:37
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, Christine, come on, share how people can work with you.
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_00: So currently there are many ways to work with me.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: First and foremost, I want to share my personalized and private coaching container.
• 33:50
  SPEAKER_00: I work one-on-one with folks, and it's called Dear Sibling, right?
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: I like to speak in love letter language.
• 33:59
  SPEAKER_00: So I have that container.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_00: We can work for three months or four.
• 34:04
  SPEAKER_00: And we really get to go deep.
• 34:06
  SPEAKER_00: We really, really get to break down things.
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_00: We talk about our mindset.
• 34:10
  SPEAKER_00: We talk about the obstacles to joy.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: We start to really start to see the nuance of the words that we use.
• 34:17
  SPEAKER_00: So it's just really powerful.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_00: We also get to explore our strengths as well as our blind spots through some assessments.
• 34:24
  SPEAKER_00: And we do a little bit of yoga.
• 34:26
  SPEAKER_00: And not the type of yoga that you all are probably expecting, but you know, inserting a little bit of uh yoga philosophy and being more in unison with like our mind, our emotions, and our body.
• 34:41
  SPEAKER_00: So another thing is if you want to collaborate on like a workshop or you have an event that's happening for your team, I am here to be a speaker, speaker, or workshop facilitator, just tailoring to whatever your needs are.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_00: I also teach yoga.
• 35:00
  SPEAKER_00: So if that's something that you're interested in, I'd love to take clients for that as well.
• 35:06
  SPEAKER_00: And lastly, I'm excited for this.
• 35:08
  SPEAKER_00: I have decided that in March, I'm gonna have a group program as well.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_00: So all of the learnings that I have received, I will implement into my group program.
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_00: So this is open to leaders and spaceholders who are high achieving and ambitious and really, really want time and space to process not just the the you know, your work, but really like what's happening outside of work and how we can elevate and amplify self-care to all areas of our life because really we want to feel whole.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_00: And joy, again, is also feeling whole.
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to be able to facilitate that in a group with community.
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_01: Well, so be sure to check out Christine at lead.with.joy on Instagram.
• 36:04
  SPEAKER_01: And Christine, I know some people listening might be interested in working with me.
• 36:08
  SPEAKER_01: I know you've worked with me.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_01: Any insight that you want to share how it's been working with me as your coach.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 36:15
  SPEAKER_00: So Elaine will ask you to also process.
• 36:22
  SPEAKER_00: And she has her own framework.
• 36:24
  SPEAKER_00: And so I loved whenever she'd ask me, like, what I'm grateful for, what is my takeaway?
• 36:31
  SPEAKER_00: What is the action item that I have?
• 36:35
  SPEAKER_00: And just being able to be asked those questions.
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's like my way, her way of like asking me to process like, what is it that I really want to work on that isn't like a long ass list?
• 36:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's broken down, there's intention behind it.
• 36:51
  SPEAKER_00: So I know that Elaine does a really great job of really making sure that that's asked.
• 36:56
  SPEAKER_00: And also her retreats are so good.
• 37:02
  SPEAKER_00: I was lucky and fortunate enough to have uh three retreats with her, one of them being like my own VIP day, two of them being with community.
• 37:13
  SPEAKER_00: And through there, I was able to meet other women of color who are doing fabulous things in their communities.
• 37:20
  SPEAKER_00: And it's just such a great time to reset, reflect, and be able to again enter that season period of time in your business that has so much intentionality because you were given time to reflect.
• 37:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I appreciate you, Lane, for creating those spaces.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 37:39
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I hope you hear the overall theme in this episode is to pause, reflect, breathe, and celebrate.
• 37:47
  SPEAKER_01: In that way, you just own yourself.
• 37:49
  SPEAKER_01: Did you like what I did there, Christine Joy?
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_01: I love it.
• 37:52
  SPEAKER_01: Yes.
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you so much, Christine Joy.
• 37:56
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Elaine, Lou.
• 38:00
  SPEAKER_01: If you enjoyed this podcast episode on how to prioritize you, here are three things you can do if you feel called to do them.
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_01: First, share this with a friend.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_01: Send them a personal message on how this episode can specifically help them with prioritizing themselves versus other people's expectations.
• 38:23
  SPEAKER_01: Two, leave a rating and review for the Call Your Dreams podcast so more women of color and allies can learn, grow, and heal.
• 38:33
  SPEAKER_01: Third, if you would like to see how to work with me to create a more sustainable life and business or career where you can do less and live more, schedule a complimentary legacy business and career review call at elanelu.com forward slash call.
• 38:54
  SPEAKER_01: That's E-L A I N E L O U.com forward slash call.
• 39:01
  SPEAKER_01: C-A-L-L.
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_01: Legacy Leader, did you enjoy today's episode?
• 39:08
  SPEAKER_01: If so, subscribe to the Color Your Dreams podcast and leave a rating and review.
• 39:14
  SPEAKER_01: It goes a long way and it lets other fellow leaders find this incredible free resource.
• 39:21
  SPEAKER_01: And if you want more, you can find all the links and information mentioned in this episode in the show notes on my website at elaneloo.com forward slash podcast.
• 39:34
  SPEAKER_01: That's E-L-A-I-N-E-L-O-U.com forward slash podcast.
• 39:40
  SPEAKER_01: All right, legacy leader.
• 39:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'll see you in our newest episode in two weeks.
• 39:46
  SPEAKER_01: And remember to follow your dreams to lead your legacy.