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Six Practical Dating Tips That Prevent Regret · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hey friends, this is Doc David with Head Drink Inc., and today I'm going to give you some dating tips.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: This is going to be a two-parter, so listen in.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: You are listening to Head Drink Inc., your answers to life, relationships, and daily living.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: Hey y'all, Doc David with Head Shrink Inc., and I want to welcome you back to another episode of Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: It's number, I don't know, 30 something, episode number 30.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not keeping track.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: I just like to talk, so that's what I do.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: So one so today I actually met with a couple and they are dating.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: And so it was weird.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_01: When I first started therapy, I I, you know, went through my training and went to schooling.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: And typically it was, okay, you're going to meet with a married couple or a couple that is planning on getting married or a couple that's you know struggling with divorce.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: And so as I've gone on, so I've been in practice for probably about 18 years.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_01: And it's been interesting because over that time I've there's been an increase of people that are just dating that want to get therapy, do couples therapy.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_01: But I don't know why I think that's so strange.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: Because I guess maybe it's because it never used to be like that.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_01: It usually for me at least, it was usually just people that were, like I said earlier, married or planning to get married.
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's interesting to have people come in that have been dating for like two months and they want to do therapy.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: And there's part of me that thinks, well, if you're coming in because you want to do therapy, there's probably a good chance you shouldn't be with this person.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: But then there's another part of me that wants to be helpful to them.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_01: And so as I've worked with people over the years, I've come up with kind of a list of some tips that I get that I've compiled here and give to people.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: Now, whether what people do with this list is totally up to them.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: What I have found is that, especially if you're engaged and you're coming in for premarital counseling, that will be another list that I'll I I can share sometime.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: But if you're engaged and you're coming in for premarital counseling, one question I ask is if I if we talk about an issue that's like this really big issue and it's undealt with, will that break up your marriage?
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: Will that break up your potential marriage?
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: And inevitably the answer is no.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: And it's just it's kind of shocking that people are still willing to go into marriages, knowing the horrible things that they know about the other person or the big red flags.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: There's this idealism that I think takes over where people think, oh, we'll solve the problem in marriage.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: And inevitably what happens is that that problem does not get solved.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_01: So my I have 10 dating tips, and I'm breaking this down into actually I have 12 dating tips, and I'm breaking this down into two podcasts.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: So this first podcast is going to be dating tips part one.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: Now, what you have to understand, and listen and hear me out on this very clearly.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: This is not hard, these are not hard and fast rules.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: So if I say something, you might be the exception to the rule, which is fine.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: And there's always exceptions to the rule.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: So there's so what I'm talking about are generalities.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_01: These are things that generally you should be paying attention to, or generally are tips that need to be dealt with, or you know, looked at at least.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_01: So the first one, first dating tip I have is that when you're dating somebody, you should get to know the friends of the person that you're interested in.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: Because the friends of this person will often tell you a lot about the person.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: And as we all know, when you're first dating somebody, it it's tip there's typically a lot of showmanship that happens.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: Like you don't know all the horrific details about the person the first several months that you're dating.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because everyone's putting their best foot forward, everyone wants to appear better than they actually are.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: And so one of the things that I suggest often to people is, you know, go hang out with that person and their friends, and then you can often see what their friends are like.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: So here's an extreme example.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: So I knew a guy, and I'm changing his name, but his name was John, and he was dating this young lady, and what the young lady didn't know is that John was addicted to heroin because he hid it pretty well.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_01: Excuse me.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_01: And the story of John was that he had many relapses, he had taken advantage of his family, and we finally agreed to go to outpatient in another state, and so he he went there four months.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: He was clean, sober, he was doing great, he was back in contact with his family, and he came back into town and and was interacting with his family again.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: It was during this time that he met his girlfriend, Julie, changing the name again.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: And so things were great.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: They were interacting well and they were you know having a good relationship.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_01: Julie was aware of John's chat, you know, past challenges and the key word being past.
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_01: Problem is that John started thinking, I can do this on my own, I got this figured out.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_01: He stopped going to meetings, he stopped keeping boundaries, he started making promises slowly, and he ended up hanging out with a lot of his old friends.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: But along the way, you know, Julia was fighting for the relationship, or Julia was fighting for the relationship, trying to stay connected to John, and she wouldn't hang out with John when he would go visit old friends.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: And that's where I think that she I think she should have done that because then she would have seen a very different picture of John.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: She would have seen this guy that was a partier, was someone that was interested in using heroin again.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: And at some point they they ended up breaking up, but but they could have broken up sooner if Julie had seen John interacting with his friends, with his old drugie friends.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: So if you don't pay attention to the friends of your significant other, you run a risk of falling in with a person and settling for his bad behavior.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: And it's not what happens is it's not like that bad behavior just all of a sudden happens one day.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: For many drug addicts, for example, it's this slow simmering.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's like the the frog that sits in a cold pot, but then it starts to boil, and the frog just kind of sits there and dies because he gets boiled with the water.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: And that's and that's what this is like.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: It's like if you don't, it's small little things along the way, and and by the time you're ready to break up, horrible things have happened, and then you start thinking, why did I tolerate this stuff?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: So one thing I would suggest is that you get to know the friends of the person that you like, because then you will be able to see them in a very different light than what they were showing you potentially.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_01: Now, if you get to know the friends and you like the friends and you interact well with the friends and and nothing else is and nothing is happening, then that's a good that's a fairly good sign that this person that you are interacting with or that you like is fairly stable and consistent across several spectrums.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: And in my world is called systems.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: So he's consistent across several systems uh and several relationship systems.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: A second one, now this one is gonna be uh one where you need to generalize it, right?
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's not gonna be true every time, but there's a phrase, apples don't fall far from the tree.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: And so I've added if there's a rotten family, there is often a rotten person.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: Now I know that sounds horrible, and it sounds mean and nasty and and not nice.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: But here but it's true.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: So recently there was a news story about two years ago about in Washington State about a woman who went missing, and her husband was the suspect.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: He gave a story, didn't seem very plausible, uh, yet there was no evidence to prove that he did anything to his wife to make her go missing.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's really likely it is her, it is him.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_01: Several years after this story about the woman going missing, he killed himself and his sons.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: Now, the interesting thing, I think, where and where apples don't fall far from the tree is that the guy's father ended up getting arrested on child porn charges and apparently was uh pervying on his daughters pervying on his daughter-in-law prior to him going missing.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: And so you you look you step back for a moment, look down from bigger pictures, like you had this this father who was inappropriate, who got arrested on child porn charges, who had a son that probably killed his wife, and then ended up killing himself and his sons.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: Now, that's an extreme case.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_01: I I can very clearly recognize that that is an extreme case.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: But what you will find is that, you know, as I've worked with families, you'll see negative traits that fathers and mothers have, and these negative traits are often passed on to their children.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: And a lot of times it happens in character departments.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_01: So if you have a if there's a dad who doesn't really value or respect women, there's a good chance that he's going to create and raise sons that don't value and respect women.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: If a parent has sketchy morals, like they they use drugs, and you find out that they use drugs with their kids, chances are that those kids that they use drugs with are going to have no problem with using drugs on their own.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I I I made clear at the beginning to say, you know, these are general, generalized.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: It's there's gonna be people that come from sketchy, morally impaired families that are gonna be amazing.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: But you need to pay attention to these kinds of things when you're dating, and you need to look for these red flags when you're dating.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you just simply say, Oh no, he's a good person and what happened in his family doesn't matter, I'll tell you right now that is untrue.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: You got to pay attention to what happened, you got to pay attention to how that person was raised, and you have to pay attention to it because when you're married and when you're trying to raise a family with that person and you're going through stressful events, if there's undealt with baggage from the past, that's gonna come out in your relationship, and that's gonna come out in how you end up raising your own kids.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_01: So, number three, I mean, we could go into that all day, and there could be lots of different examples, but I don't want to belabor the point on that.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I think you're you're you hopefully you understand that the kind of family a person comes from is important.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: We call a family of origin.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: Your family of origin is important because it often influences who you are as an adult.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, number three.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_01: This one is a challenging one, I think.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_01: Ask the people who actually know you, and I and I'm thinking parents, if they think your significant other is a good fit for you.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: Now, overseas, like India, for example, or even in some Arabic cultures, they have arranged marriages, and those get off often get a bad rap, like, oh, you're can you're controlling your child.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: But I I think when I've heard stories about arranged marriages, initially they're kind of awkward and you know, there's some kind of bummer to the the initial stages of that.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: But over the long term, it seems like there's I've heard more good stories about arranged marriages than bad stories.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_01: No, I could be sheltered, and there could be lots of bad stories about arranged marriages.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_01: But I think it's important that if you have two, if you have a parent that you love and value and that put a lot of time and effort into raising you, I think it's a good idea to ask them, hey, is this person that I'm dating that I'm maybe about to marry, uh, do you think they're a good fit for me?
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: Now, what this requires is that you have a good relationship with your parents and that you're actually willing to consider their opinion on something.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of times people don't want to ask those questions because they're annoyed with their parents or they think their parents are dumb, or they don't want to have anything to do with their parents.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: And I mean, that's unfortunate if you find yourself in that situation, and I'd encourage you to figure to try to resolve that situation.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_01: But you have parents for a reason.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: They're the ones who hopefully raised you and know you best.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: And so listening to them, while it can be difficult, could be one of the most important things you can do when you're in a relationship because they are the ones that care are supposed to care most about you, and they want you to be happy.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: And so if they see some flaws in the person that you're dating, they should be able, you should allow them to point that out.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: If your mom gets the heebie jeebies from your boyfriend, you should figure out why.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_01: Why is that?
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: Don't don't simply assume that it's your mom's problem and oh mom, you're just so uptight.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, there could actually be a reason that your mom has a problem with your boyfriend, and I think you should find it out.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: Or there could be a reason that your dad has a problem with your boyfriend, maybe he doesn't respect you, and you are blinded to that because you're just so in love.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I think parents, aunts, uncles, people that are close to you, that are family, that have that are like invested in you in a different way than kind of a friend is invested in you.
• 13:28
  SPEAKER_01: I think they're great people to talk to to see, you know, is this person a good match for me?
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: Number four.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I say don't let your emotions lead you where your brain never would.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_01: So people in love, so people in love do the craziest things.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_01: They start wars, they stop wars, they murder, steal, they tolerate abuse.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, some of the greatest stories of our time that are written into books are about wars that start because of a love or because of a snub of some sort.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you if you can name it, it probably has been done in the name of love.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: And so there is a belief that love, which is an emotion, can write all law well, it's an action also, but the love I'm talking about tends to be emotional.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: Uh, it can write all wrongs, it can solve all problems, it can conquer everything.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_01: But if if one uses actually uses their brain, they recognize that emotions usually don't solve problems.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_01: They you emotions usually make things more complicated.
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_01: And so I know that's a you know, I'm being a buzzkill and I'm being so practical, and people just need to follow their hearts.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: No, I actually don't think people should follow their hearts most of the time, because a lot of times people make dumb decisions because of their heart.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: So if I think if more people recognize that love, while important, is an emotion and not something to base life decisions on, more relationship more relationships would be saved.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_01: And I think a lot of times what happens, people get into relationships emotionally, and then they realize four or five years in, what am I doing?
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: But they've put so much time and effort in, they try to stay in it, but the emotion isn't there.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: And then they just want out.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_01: And and my suggestion is do not go into a relationship simply with emotion.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: Um, that's what all these tips would hopefully kind of direct you back towards, is that there has to be some thinking and some logic and some reason that goes into relationships as well, not just emotion.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_01: Number five, do not ever compromise your principles in order to get someone to like you.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: So let's say you have a principle of I'm not going to dress a certain way because I think it's immodest, right?
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: Something like that.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: It's I'm just kind of coming up with that.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: But there's this one boy, and he likes it if you show a little cleavage, and I'm gonna show a little cleavage because I want him to like me.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: Ugh never do that.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: Or, oh, I don't I don't want to get drunk.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_01: But this girl likes to get drunk, and I'm gonna go get drunk with her because I like her.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_01: Don't do that.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: Because I mean, the moment you compromise your principles, you're not using your brain, you're not using reason, you are going, you're using emotion.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_01: And where is it going to stop?
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_01: You compromise one time, well, why don't you compromise again?
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_01: And what's the next principle that you're gonna compromise?
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: And like I said earlier, it's little choices along the way that lead you later to think, what was I thinking?
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_01: Why how did I end up here?
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I think you end up in places that you don't want to end up relationally because you don't think and you compromise little things over a period of time.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: And so, number six, and this will be our last one, and then we'll do a part two.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_01: Self-esteem comes from self-respect.
• 17:03
  SPEAKER_01: Do things that stay in line with who you are, not with who the significant other wants you to be.
• 17:08
  SPEAKER_01: And so that maybe goes a little bit along the lines of compromising your principles.
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_01: But what I have found, I even met with a with someone yesterday who allowed an abusive guy to kind of take over her life.
• 17:21
  SPEAKER_01: And what she kept saying was, I I don't know, I don't know what happened.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_01: I'm not like this.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_01: I don't understand.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_01: I was just trying to make him happy.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_01: And I think that she made choices, and these were all choices that that she made.
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_01: She made choices that went against her principles and went against self-respect, and she slowly lost self-esteem because of that.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: The quickest way to build up your self-esteem is to make choices that are good and make choices that you can be proud of.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_01: When you start making choices that you can't be proud of or that you second guess yourself on, your self-esteem slowly gets eroded.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_01: And then if you're in a relationship with somebody that is all about themselves, very self-centered and doesn't care about you, your self-esteem is just going to get eroded even more.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_01: And so I my strong suggestion is you for you is to do things that stay in line with who you are and not with who the significant other wants you to be.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_01: It is never worth it, in my estimation, to give up of yourself just to get someone to like you.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_01: You should find someone that likes you for just who you are because you're worth being liked for just who you are.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's immature, it's not wise, and it is emotional, frankly.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's not using your brain when you go to somebody and you give up your own principles and you give up your own self-esteem just to get someone to like you.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_01: All right.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_01: So hopefully that's been starting to be helpful.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_01: Let some of those thinking sink in.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_01: If you disagree with me, please email me and let me know, or comment and let me know.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_01: Headshrink Inc., that's headshrinkinc at gmail.com, or you can find me on Facebook at Doc David, and we can connect there.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_01: Listen in.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_01: I will have the next one posted in the next week.
• 19:16
  SPEAKER_01: It'll be part two with six more dating tips.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_01: Take care.