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Boyhood · Boyhood

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Chapter one, A slow journey. Again, two carriages stood at the front
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door of the house at Petrovsky. In one of them sat Mimi, the
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two girls and their maid, with the bailiff Yakov on the box, while
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in the other Abrtchka sat Woloda, myself and our servant Wassili. Papa,
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who was to follow us to Moscow in a few days, was standing bareheaded
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on the entrance steps. He made the sign of the Cross at the windows
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of the carriages and said, Christ go with you. Goodbye. Yakov and
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our coachman, for we had our own horses, lifted their caps in answer,
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and also made the sign of the cross. Amen, God go with
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us. The carriages began to roll away, and the birch trees of the
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great avenue filed out of sight. I was not in the least depressed on
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this occasion, for my mind was not so much turned upon what I had
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left as upon what was awaiting me. In proportion, as the various objects
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connected with the sad recollections which had recently filled my imagination receded behind me,
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those recollections lost their power and gave place to a consolatory feeling of life youthful,
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vigor, freshness, and hope. Seldom have I spent four days more
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well. I will not say gaily, since I should have shrunk from appearing
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gay, but more agreeably and pleasantly than those occupied by our journey. No
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longer were my eyes confronted with the closed door of Mama's room, which I
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had never been able to pass without a pang, Nor with the covered piano,
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which nobody opened now and at which I could never look without trembling,
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Nor with mourning dresses we had, each of us on our ordinary traveling clothes,
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nor with all those other objects which recalled to me so vividly our irreparable
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loss, and forced me to abstain from any manifestation of merriment, lest I
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should unwittingly offend against her memory. On the contrary, a continual succession of
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new and exciting objects and places now caught and held my attention, and the
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charms of spring awakened in my soul a soothing sense of satisfaction with the present
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and of blissful hope for the future. Very early next morning, the Merciless
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Wasili, who had only just entered our service, and was therefore, like
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most people in such a position. Zealous to a fault, came and stripped
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off my counterpane, affirming that it was time for me to get up,
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since everything was in readiness for us to continue our journey. Though I felt
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inclined to stretch myself and rebel, though I would gladly have spent another quarter
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of an hour in sweet enjoyment of my morning slumber, Wassily's inexorable face showed
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that he would grant me no respite, but that he was ready to tear
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away the counterpane twenty times more if necessary. Accordingly, I submitted myself to
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the inevitable and ran down into the courtyard to wash myself at the fountain.
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In the coffee room, a tea kettle was already surmounting the fire, which
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milk of the ostler, as red in the face as a crab, was
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blowing with a pair of bellows. All was gray and misty in the courtyard,
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like steam from a smoking dunghill. But in the eastern sky the sun
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was diffusing a clear, cheerful radiance and making the straw roofs of the sheds
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around the courtyard sparkle with the night dew beneath them. Stood our horses tied
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to mangers, and I could hear the ceaseless sound of their chewing. A
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curly haired dog, which had been spending the night on a dry dunghill,
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now rose in lazy fashion, and, wagging its tail, walked slowly across
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the courtyard. The bustling landlady opened the creaking gates, turned her meditative cows
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into the street, whence came the lowing and bellowing of other cattle, and
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exchanged a word or two with a sleepy neighbor. Philip, with his shirt
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sleeves rolled up, was working the windlass of a draw well and sending sparkling
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fresh water coursing into an oaken troth, while in the pool beneath it,
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some early rising ducks were taking a bath. It gave me pleasure to watch
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his strongly marked bearded face and the veins and muscles as they stood out upon
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his great, powerful hands, whenever he made an extra effort. In the
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room behind the partition wall, where Mimi and the girls had slept, yet
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so near to ourselves that we had exchanged confidences, overnight movements now became audible.
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Their maid kept passing in and out with clothes, and at last the
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door opened and we were summoned to breakfast. Walloda, however, remained in
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a state of bustle throughout, as he ran to fetch first one article and
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then another, and urged the maid to hasten her preparations. The horses were
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put to and showed their impatience by tinkling their bells. Parcels, trunks,
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dressing cases, and boxes were replaced, and we set about taking our seats.
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Yet every time that we got in the mountain of luggage in the Britchka
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seemed to have grown larger than before, and we had much ado to understand
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how things had been arranged yesterday and how we should sit now. A tea
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chest in particular greatly inconvenienced me, But wassily declared that things will soon right
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themselves, and I had no choice but to believe him. The sun was
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just rising, covered with dense white clouds, and every object around us was
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standing out in a cheerful, calm sort of radiance. The whole was beautiful
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to look at, and I felt comfortable and light of heart. Before us,
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the road ran like a broad, sinuous ribbon through cornfields, glittering with
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dew, here and there a dark bush or young birch tree cast a long
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shadow over the ruts and scattered grass tufts of the track. Yet even the
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monotonous din of our carriage wheels and collar bells could not drown the joyous song
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of soaring larks, nor the combined odor of moth eaten cloth, dust and
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sourness peculiar to our brich cut overpower the fresh scents of the morning. I
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felt in my heart that delightful impulse to be up and doing, which is
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a sign of sincere enjoyment. As I had not been able to say my
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prayers in the courtyard of the Inn, but had nevertheless been assured once that
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on the very first day, when I omitted to perform that ceremony, some
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misfortune would overtake me. I now hastened to rectify the omission, taking off
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my cap and stooping down in a corner of the britchka, I duly recited
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my orisons and unobtrusively signed the sign of the Cross beneath my coat. Yet
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all the while a thousand different objects were distracting my attention, and more than
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once I inadvertently repeated a prayer twice over. Soon, on the little footpath
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beside the road became visible some slowly moving figures. They were pilgrims. On
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their heads, they had dirty handkerchiefs, on their backs, wallets of birch
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bark, and on their feet bundles of soiled rags and heavy bast shoes.
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Moving their staffs in regular rhythm, and scarcely throwing us a glance, they
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pressed onwards with heavy tread and in single foot. Where have they come from?
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I wondered to myself, And whither are they bound? Is it a
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long pilgrimage they are making? But soon the shadows they cast on the road
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became indistinguishable from the shadows of the bushes which they passed. Next, a
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carriage and four could be seen approaching us. In two seconds, the faces
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which looked out at us from it with smiling curiosity had vanished. How strange
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it seemed that those faces should have nothing in common with me, and that,
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in all probability they would never meet my eyes again. Next came a
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pair of post horses with the traces looped up to their collars. On one
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of them a young postilion, his lamb's wool cap cocked to one side,
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was negligently kicking his booted legs against the flanks of his steed as he sang
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a melancholy ditty. Yet his face and attitude seemed to me to express such
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perfect carelessness and indolent ease, that I imagined it to be the height of
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happiness to be a postilion and to sing melancholy songs. Far off through a
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cutting in the road, there soon stood out against the light blue sky,
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the green roof of a village church. Presently, the village itself became visible,
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together with the roof of the manor house and the garden attached to it.
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Who lived in that house? Children? Parents, teachers? Why should
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we not call there and make the acquaintance of its inmates? Next we overtook
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a file of loaded wagons, a procession to which our vehicles had to yield
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the road. What have you got in there? Asked wassily of one wagoner,
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who was dangling his legs lazily over the splashboard of his conveyance and flicking
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his whip about as he gazed at us with a stolid, vacant look.
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But he only made answer when we were too far off to catch what he
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said, And what have you got, asked wassily of a second wagoner,
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who was lying at full length under a new rug on the driving seat of
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his vehicle. The red pole and the red face beneath it lifted themselves up
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for a second from the folds of the rug, measured our BRIDGEHKA with a
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cold contemptuous look, and lay down again. Whereupon I concluded that the driver
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was wondering to himself who we were, whence we had come, and whither
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we were going. These various objects of interest had absorbed so much of my
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time that as yet I had paid no attention to the crooked figures on the
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verst posts as we passed them in rapid succession. But in time the sun
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began to burn my head and back, the road to become increasingly dusty,
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the impedimenta on the carriage to grow more and more uncomfortable, and myself to
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feel more and more cramped. Consequently, I relapsed into devoting my whole faculties
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to the distance posts and their numerals, and to solving difficult mathematical problems for
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reckoning the time when we should arrive at the next posting house. Twelve versts
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are third of thirty six, and in all there are forty one two lipets.
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We have done a third, and how much then, and so forth
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and so forth, Wassily was my next remark, on observing that he was
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beginning to nod on the box seat. Suppose we change seats, will you?
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Wassily agreed, and had no sooner stretched himself out in the body of
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the vehicle than he began to snore to me on my new perch. However,
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a most interesting spectacle now became visible, namely our horses, all of
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which were familiar to me down to the smallest detail. Why is d'yachik on
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the right to day Philip not on the left, I asked knowingly, And
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Nourachenka is not doing her proper share of the pulling. One could not put
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Dyachik on the left, replied Philip, altogether, ignoring my last remark.
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He is not the kind of horse to put there at all. A horse
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like the one on the left now is the right kind of one for the
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job. After this fragment of eloquence, Philip turned towards Dyachik and began to
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do his best to worry the poor animal by jogging at the reins in spite
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of the fact that Dyachuk was doing well and dragging the vehicle almost unaided.
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This Philip can continued to do until he found it convenient to breathe and rest
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himself awhile, and to settle his cap askew. Though it had looked well
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enough before, I profited by the opportunity to ask him to let me have
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the reins to hold until the whole six in my hand, as well as
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the whip I had attained complete happiness. Several times I asked whether I was
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doing things right, but as usual, Philip was never satisfied, and soon
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destroyed my felicity. The heat increased until a hand showed itself at the carriage
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window and waved a bottle and a parcel of eatables, whereupon Wassily leapt briskly
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from the britchkah and ran forward to get us something to eat and drink.
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When we arrived at a steep descent, we all got out and ran down
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it to a little bridge, while Wassily and Yakov followed, supporting the carriage
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on either side, as though to hold it up in the event of its
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threatening to upset. After that, Mimi gave permission for a change of seats,
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and sometimes Wolloda or myself would ride in the carriage and Lubotshka or Katenka
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in the britchka. This arrangement greatly pleased the girls, since much more fun
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went on in the britchka. Just when the day was at its hottest,
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we got out at a wood, and, breaking off a quantity of branches,
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transformed our vehicle into a bower. This traveling arbor then bustled on to
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catch the carriage up and had the effect of exciting Lubotshka to one of those
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piercing shrieks of delight which she was in the habit of occasionally emitting. At
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last, we drew near the village where we were to halt and dine.
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Already we could perceive the smell of the place, the smell of smoke and
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tar and sheep, and distinguished the sound of voices, footsteps and carts.
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The bells on our horses began to ring less clearly than they had done in
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the open country, and on both sides the road became lined with huts,
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dwellings with straw roofs, carved porches, and small red or green painted shutters.
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To the windows through which here and there was a way woman's face looking
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inquisitively out. Peasant children clad in smocks only stood staring, open eyed,
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or stretching out their arms to us, ran barefooted through the dust to climb
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onto the luggage behind, despite Philip's menacing gestures. Likewise, red haired waiters
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came darting around the carriages to invite us with words and signs to select their
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several hostelries as our halting place. Presently, a gate creaked, and we
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entered a courtyard. Four hours of rest and liberty now awaited us. Chapter
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two, The thunder storm. The sun was sinking towards the west, and
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his long hot rays were burning my neck and cheeks beyond endurance, while thick
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clouds of dust were rising from the road and filling the whole air. Not
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the slightest wind was there to carry it away. I could not think what
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to do. Neither the dust blackened face of Woloda dozing in a corner,
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nor the motion of Philip's back, or the long shadow of our Abrtchka as
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it came bowling along behind us, brought me any relief. I concentrated my
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whole attention upon the distance posts ahead, and the clouds, which hitherto dispersed
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over the sky were now assuming a menacing blackness and beginning to form themselves into
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a single solid mass. From time to time, distant thunder could be heard,
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a circumstance which greatly increased my impatience to arrive at the inn where we
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were to spend the night. A thunder storm always communicated to me an inexpressibly
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oppressive feeling of fear and gloom. Yet we were still ten versts from the
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next village, and in the meanwhile, the large purple cloud bank, arisen
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from no one knows where, was advancing steadily towards us. The sun,
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not yet obscured, was picking out its fuscus shape with dazzling light and marking
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its front with gray stripes running right down to the horizon. At intervals,
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vivid lightning could be seen in the distance, followed by low rum, which
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increased steadily in volume, until they merged into a prolonged roll which seemed to
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embrace the entire heavens. At length, Wassili got up and covered over the
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britchkah. The coachman wrapped himself up in his cloak and lifted his cap to
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make the sign of the cross at each successive thunderclap, and the horses pricked
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up their ears and snorted, as though to drink in the fresh air which
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the flying clouds were out distancing. The britchka began to roll more swiftly along
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the dusty road, and I felt uneasy, and as though the blood were
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coursing more quickly through my veins. Soon the clouds had veiled the face of
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the sun, and though he threw a last gleam of light to the dark
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and terrifying horizon, he had no choice but to disappear behind them. Suddenly
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everything around us seemed changed and assumed a gloomy aspect. A wood of aspen
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trees which we were passing, seemed to be all in a tremble, with
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its leaves showing white against the dark lilac background of the clouds. Murmuring together
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in an agitated manner. The tops of the larger trees began to bend to
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and fro and dried leaves and grass to whirl about in eddies over the road.
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Swallows and white breasted swifts came darting around the Britchkah, and even passing
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in front of the forelegs of the horses, while rooks, despite their outstretched
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wings, were laid, as it were, on their keels by the wind.
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Finally, the leather apron which covered us began to flutter about and to
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beat against the sides of the conveyance. The lightning flashed right into the britchkah
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as, cleaving the obscurity for a second. It lit up the gray cloth
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and silk galloon of the lining, and Wolloda's figure pressed back into a corner.
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Next came a terrible sound, which, rising higher and higher, and
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spreading further and further, increased until it reached its climax in a deafening thunderclap,
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which made us tremble and hold our breaths the wrath of God. What
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poetry there is in that simple popular conception. The pace of the vehicle was
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continually increasing, and from Philip's when Vasili's backs, the former was tugging furiously
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at the reins, I could see that they too were alarmed. Bowling rapidly
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down an incline, the britchka cannoned violently against a wooden bridge at the bottom.
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I dared not stir and expected destruction. Every moment crack a trace had
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given way, and in spite of the ceaseless, deafening thunderclaps, we had
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to pull up on the bridge, leaning my head despairingly against the side of
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the britchka. I followed with a beating heart the movements of Philip's great black
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fingers as he tied up the broken trace, and with hands in the butt
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hand of the whip, pushed the harness vigorously back into its place. My
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sense of terror was increasing with the violence of the thunder. Indeed, at
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the moment of supreme silence, which generally precedes the greatest intensity of a storm,
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it mounted to such a height that I felt as though another quarter of
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an hour of this emotion would kill me. Just then there appeared from beneath
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the bridge a human being who clad in a torn, filthy smock and sported
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on a pair of thin shanks, bair of muscles, thrust an idiotic face,
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a tremulous bare shaven head, and a pair of red shining stumps in
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place of hands into the Britchkah, My lord, a kopeck, for for
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God's sake, groaned a feeble voice, as at each word the wretched being
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made the sign of the cross and bowed himself to the ground. I cannot
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describe the chill feeling of horror which penetrated my heart at that moment. A
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shudder crept through all my hair, and my eyes stared in vacant terror at
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the outcast. Wassily, who was charged with the apportioning of alms during the
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journey, was busy helping Philip, and only when everything had been put straight
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and Philip had resumed the reins again had he time to look for his purse.
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Hardly had the Britchka begun to move, when a blinding flash filled the
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welcome with a blaze of light, which brought the horses to their haunches.
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Then the flash was followed by such an ear splitting roar that the very vault
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of heaven seemed to be descending upon our heads. The wind blew harder than
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ever, and Wassily's cloak, the manes and tails of the horses, and
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the carriage apron were all slanted in one direction as they waved furiously in the
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violent blast. Presently upon the breech kest top there fell some large drops of
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rain one, two, three. Then suddenly, as though a roll of
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drums were being beaten over our heads. The whole countryside resounded with the clatter
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of the deluge. From Wassily's movements. I could see that he had now
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got his purse open, and that the poor outcast was still bowing and making
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the sign of the cross as he ran beside the wheels of the vehicle at
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the imminent risk of being run over, and reiterated from time to time his
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plea for for God's sake. At last, a kopik rolled upon the ground,
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and the miserable creature, his mutilated arms, with their sleeves wet through
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and through, held out before him, stopped, perplexed in the roadway,
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and vanished from my sight. The heavy rain driven before the tempestuous wind,
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poured down in pailfuls, and dripping from Wassily's thick cloak, formed a series
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of pools on the apron. The dust became changed to a paste which clung
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to the wheels, and the ruts became transformed into muddy rivulets. At last,
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however, the lightning grew paler and more diffuse, and the thunderclaps lost
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some of their terror. Amid the monotonous rattling of the downpour. Then the
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rain also abated, and the clouds began to disperse. In the region of
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the sun, a lightness appeared, and between the white gray clouds could be
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caught glimpses of an azure sky. Finally, a dazzling ray shot across the
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pools on the road, shot through the threads of rain, now falling thin
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and straight as from a sieve, and fell upon the fresh leaves and blades
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of grass. The great cloud was still lowering, black and threatening on the
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far horizon, but I no longer felt afraid of it. I felt only
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an inexpressibly pleasant hopefulness in proportion as trust in life replaced the late burden of
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fear. Indeed, my heart was smiling like that of refreshed, revivified nature
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herself. Wassily took off his cloak and wrung the water from it. Willoda
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flung back the apron, and I stood up in the britchka to drink in
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the new, fresh, balm laden air. In front of us was the
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carriage, rolling along and looking as wet and resplendent in the sunlight as though
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it had just been polished. On one side of the road, boundless oatfields,
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intersected in places by small ravines, which now showed bright with their moist
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earth and greenery, stretched to the far horizon like a checkered carpet, while
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on the other side of us, an aspen wood intermingled with hazel bushes and
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parquaded with wild thyme in joyous profusion, no longer rustled and trembled, but
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slowly dropped rich, sparkling diamonds from its newly bathed branches on to the leaves
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of last year. From above us, from every side, came the happy
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songs of little birds calling to one another among the dripping brushwood, while clear
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from the inmost depths of the wood sounded the voice of the cuckoo. So
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delicious was the wondrous scent of the wood, the scent which follows a thunder
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storm in spring, the scent of birch trees, violets, mushrooms, and
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time, that I could no longer remain in the Britshka. Jumping out,
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I ran to some bushes, and, regardless of the showers of drops discharged
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upon me, tore off a few sprigs of time and buried my face in
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them to smell their glorious scent. Then, despite the mud which had got
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into my boots, as also the fact that my stockings were soaked, I
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went skipping through the puddles to the window of the carriage. Lubatchhka, Katenka,
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I shouted as I handed them some of the time, just look how
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delicious this is. The girl smelted and cried. Ah, but Mimi shrieked
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to me to go away, for fear I should be run over by the
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wheels. Oh, but smell how delicious it is, I persisted. Chapter
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three a new point of view. Katenka was with me in the Britchka,
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her lovely head inclined as she gazed pensively at the roadway. I looked at
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her in silence and wondered what had brought the unchildlike expression of sadness to her
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face, which I now observed for the first time. There we shall soon
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be in Moscow, I said, at last, How large do you suppose
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it is? I don't know. She replied, well, but how large
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do you imagine? As large as Serpakov? What do you say? Nothing
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yet, the instinctive feeling which enables one person to guess the thoughts of another
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and serves as a guiding threat in conversation. Soon made Kitenka feel that her
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indifference was disagreeable to me. Wherefore, she raised her head presently, and
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turning round, said, did your Papa tell you that we girls too were
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going to live at your grandmamma's. Yes, he said that we should all
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live there, all live there. Yes, of course, we shall have
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one half of the upper floor, and you the other half, and Papa
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the wing. But we shall all of us dine together with Grandmamma downstairs.
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But Mama says that your Grandmamma is so very grave and easily made angry.
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No, she only seems like that at first. She is grave, but
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not bad tempered. On the contrary, she is both kind and cheerful.
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If you could only have seen the ball at her house. All the same,
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I am afraid of her. Besides, who knows whether we? Katenka
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stopped short and once again became thoughtful. What I asked, with some anxiety.
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Nothing, I only said that No, you said, who knows whether
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we? And you said didn't you that once there was ever such a ball
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at Grandmama's? Yes, it is a pity you were not there. There
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were heaps of guests, about a thousand people, and all of them princes
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are generals. And there was music, and I danced, But Ktenka,
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I broke off. You are not listening to me. Oh yes, I
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am listening. You said that you danced. Why are you so serious?
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Well, one cannot always be gay, but you have changed tremendously since Walloda
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and I first went to Moscow. Tell me the truth, now, why
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are so odd? My tone was resolute. Am I so odd? Said
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Katenka, with an animation which showed me that my question had interested her.
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I don't see that I am so at all. Well, you are not
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the same as you were before, I continued. Once upon a time anyone
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could see that you were our equal in everything, and that you loved us
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like relations, just as we did you. But now you are always serious
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and keep yourself apart from us. Oh not at all. But let me
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finish, please, I interrupted, already conscious of a slight tickling in my
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nose, the precursor of the tears which usually came to my eyes whenever I
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had to vent any long pent up feeling. You avoid us and talk to
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no one but Mimi, as though you had no wish for our further acquaintance.
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But one cannot always remain the same. One must change a little,
26:19
sometimes, replied Kateenka, who had an inveterate habit of pleading some such fatalistic
26:25
necessity whenever she did not know what else to say. I recollect that once,
26:30
when having a quarrel with Lubotshka, who had called her a stupid girl,
26:34
she Kateka retorted that everybody could not be wise, seeing that a certain
26:40
number of stupid people was a necessity in the world. However, on the
26:44
present occasion, I was not satisfied that any such inevitable necessity for changing sometimes
26:49
existed, and asked further, why is it necessary? Well, you see,
26:56
we may not always go on living together as we are doing now,
27:00
said Kateenka, coloring slightly and regarding Philip's back, with a grave expression on
27:06
her face. My mamma was able to live with your mother because she was
27:10
her friend. But will a similar arrangement always suit the Countess, who they
27:14
say, is so easily offended. Besides, in any case, we shall
27:18
have to separate some day. You are rich, you have Petrovsky, while
27:23
we are poor. Mamma has nothing. You are rich, we are poor.
27:30
Both the words and the ideas which they connoted seemed to me extremely strange.
27:34
Hitherto, I had conceived that only beggars and peasants were poor, and
27:38
could not reconcile in my mind the idea of poverty and the graceful, charming
27:42
Katenka. I felt that Mimi and her daughter ought to live with us always
27:48
and to share everything that we possessed. Things ought never to be otherwise.
27:52
Yet at this moment a thousand new thoughts with regard to their lonely position came
27:59
crowding into my head, and I felt so remorseful at the notion that we
28:03
were rich and they poor that I colored up and could not look Katenka in
28:07
the face. Yet, what does it matter? I thought, that we
28:11
are well off and they are not. Why should that necessitate a separation?
28:15
Why should we not share in common what we possess? Yet I had a
28:19
feeling that I could not talk to Katenka on the subject, since a certain
28:23
practical instinct, opposed to all logical reasoning, warned me that right though she
28:30
possibly was, I should do wrong to tell her. So it is impossible
28:36
that you should leave us. How could we ever live apart? Yet,
28:40
what else is there to be done? Certainly I do not want to do
28:42
it, Yet if it has to be done, I know what my plan
28:45
in life will be. Yes, to become an actress. How absurd,
28:51
I exclaimed, for I knew that to enter that profession had always been her
28:53
favorite dream. Oh no, I only used to say that when I was
28:57
a little girl. Well, then what to go into a convent and live
29:03
there? Then I could walk out in a black dress and velvet cap,
29:07
cried Katenka. Has it ever befallen you, my readers, to become suddenly
29:12
aware that your conception of things has altered, as though every object in life
29:18
had unexpectedly turned aside towards you, of which you had hitherto remained unaware.
29:23
Such a species of moral change occurred as regards myself during this journey, and
29:29
therefore from it I date the beginning of my boyhood for the first time in
29:33
my life. I then envisaged the idea that we, in other words,
29:37
our family, were not the only persons in the world, that not every
29:41
conceivable interest was centered in ourselves, and that there existed numbers of people who
29:47
had nothing in common with us, cared nothing for us, and even knew
29:51
nothing of our existence. No doubt I had known all this before, only
29:56
I had not known it then as I knew it now, I had never
30:00
properly felt or understood it. Thought merges into conviction through paths of its own,
30:04
as well as sometimes with great suddenness, and by methods wholly different from
30:08
those which have brought other intellects to the same conclusion. For me, the
30:14
conversation with Kateankas, striking deeply as it did and forcing me to reflect on
30:18
her future position, constituted such a path. As I gazed at the towns
30:23
and villages through which we passed, and in each house of which lived at
30:26
least one family like our own, as well as at the women and children
30:30
who stared with curiosity at our carriages and then became lost to sight forever,
30:37
and the peasants and workmen who did not even look at us, much less
30:41
make us any obeisance. The question arose for the first time in my thoughts,
30:45
whom else do they care for if not for us? And this question
30:48
was followed by others, such as to what end do they live? How
30:53
do they educate their children? Do they teach their children and let them play
30:59
What are their Nemes? And so forth Chapter four In Moscow. From the
31:08
time of our arrival in Moscow, the change in my conception of objects,
31:12
of persons and of my connection with them became increasingly perceptible. When at my
31:18
first meeting with Grandmamma I saw her thin, wrinkled face and faded eyes.
31:22
The mingled respect and fear with which she had hitherto inspired me gave place to
31:27
compassion, and when laying her cheek against Lubotchka's head, she sobbed as though
31:33
she saw before her the corpse of her beloved daughter. My compassion grew to
31:37
love. I felt deeply sorry to see her grief at our meeting, even
31:41
though I knew that in ourselves we represented nothing in her eyes, but were
31:45
dear to her only as reminders of our mother. That every kiss which she
31:51
imprinted upon my cheeks expressed the one thought she is no more. She is
31:56
dead and I shall never see her again. Papa, who took little notice
32:01
of us here in Moscow, and whose face was perpetually preoccupied on the rare
32:07
occasions when he came in his black dress coat to take formal dinner with us
32:10
lost much in my eyes at this period, In spite of his turned up
32:15
ruffles, robes to chambre, overseers, bailiffs, expeditions to the estate and
32:21
hunting exploits. Karl Ivanitch, whom Grandmamma always called uncle and who heaven knows
32:29
why, had taken it into his head to adorn the bald pate of my
32:31
childhood's days with a red wig parted in the middle, now looked to me
32:37
so strange and ridiculous that I wondered how I could ever have failed to observe
32:42
the fact before. Even between the girls and ourselves, there seemed to have
32:45
sprung up an invisible barrier. They too, began to have secrets among themselves,
32:52
as well as to evince a desire to show off their ever lengthening skirts,
32:55
even as we boys did our trousers and ankle straps. As for Mimi,
33:00
she appeared at luncheon the first Sunday in such a gorgeous dress and with
33:06
so many ribbons in her cap that it was clear that we were no longer
33:08
on Campagna, and that everything was now going to be different. End of
33:16
Section one, Chapter five. My elder brother I was only a year and
33:24
some odd months younger than Woloda, and from the first we had grown up
33:29
and studied and played together. Hitherto, the difference between elder and younger brother
33:34
had never been felt between us. But at the period of which I am
33:37
speaking, I began to have a notion that I was not Wloda's equal,
33:40
either in years, in tastes, or in capabilities. I even began to
33:45
fancy that Woloda himself was aware of his superiority, and that he was proud
33:51
of it. And though perhaps I was wrong, the idea wounded my conceit
33:55
already suffering from frequent comparison with him, he was my superior in everything,
34:02
in games, in studies, in quarrels, and in deportment. All this
34:07
brought about an estrangement between us and occasioned me moral sufferings which I had never
34:13
hitherto experienced. When for the first time Woloda wore Dutch pleated shirts, I
34:21
at once said that I was greatly put out at not being given similar ones,
34:25
And each time that he arranged his collar, I felt that he was
34:29
doing so on purpose to offend me. But what tormented me most of all
34:34
was the idea that Woloda could see through me, yet did not choose to
34:37
show it. Who has not known those secret wordless communications which spring from some
34:44
barely perceptible smile or movement, from a casual glance between two persons who live
34:50
as constantly together as do brothers, friends, man and wife, or master
34:54
and servant, particularly if those two persons do not, in all things cultivate
35:00
mutual frankness. How many half expressed wishes, thoughts, and meanings which one
35:06
shrinks from revealing, are made plain by a single accidental glance which timidly and
35:10
irresolutely meets the eye. However, in my own case, I may have
35:16
been deceived by my excessive capacity for and love of analysis. Possibly Wolloda did
35:22
not feel at all as I did, passionate and frank but unstable in his
35:28
likings. He was attracted by the most diverse things, and always surrendered himself
35:32
wholly to such attraction. For instance, he suddenly conceived a passion for pictures,
35:39
spent all his money on their purchase, begged Papa, Grandmamma and his
35:45
drawing master to add to their number, and applied himself with enthusiasm to art.
35:52
Next came a sudden rage for curios, with which he covered his table,
35:55
and for which he ransacked the whole house. Following upon that, he
36:00
took to violent novel reading, procuring such works by stealth and devouring them day
36:06
and night. Involuntarily. I was influenced by his whims, for though too
36:12
proud to imitate him, I was also too young and too lacking in independence
36:16
to choose my own way. Above all, I envied Woloda his happy,
36:22
nobly, frank character, which showed itself most strikingly when we quarreled. I
36:28
always felt that he was in the right, yet could not imitate him.
36:31
For instance, on one occasion, when his passion for curios was at its
36:36
height, I went to his table and accidentally broke an empty, many colored,
36:39
smelling bottle. Who gave you leave to touch my things? Asked Woloda,
36:45
chancing to enter the room at that moment, and at once perceiving the
36:49
disorder which I had occasioned in the orderly arrangement of the treasures on his table.
36:54
And where is that smelling bottle? Perhaps you I let it fall at
36:59
its smell to pieces, But what does that matter? Well, please do
37:04
me the favor never to dare to touch my things again, he said,
37:08
as he gathered up the broken fragments and looked at them vexedly. And will
37:13
you please do me the favor? Never to order me to do anything whatever,
37:17
I retorted. When a thing's broken, it's broken, and there is
37:22
no more to be said. Then I smiled, though I hardly felt like
37:25
smiling. Oh it may mean nothing to you, but to me it means
37:30
a good deal, said Woloda, shrugging his shoulders, a habit he had
37:35
caught from Papa. First of all, you go and break my things,
37:38
and then you laugh. What a nuisance a little boy can be. Little
37:44
boy? Indeed, then you, I suppose, are a man, And
37:46
ever so wise, I do not intend to quarrel with you, said Woloda,
37:52
giving me a slight push. Go away. Don't you push me?
37:58
Go away? I say again again, don't you push me? Wiloda took
38:04
me by the hand and tried to drag me away from the table. But
38:07
I was excited to the last degree, and gave the table such a push
38:10
with my foot that I upset the whole concern and brought china and crystal ornaments
38:15
and everything else with a crash to the floor. You disgusting little brute,
38:22
exclaimed Woloda, trying to save some of his falling treasures. At last,
38:28
all is over between us, I thought to myself, as I strode from
38:30
the room. We are separated now forever. It was not until evening that
38:37
we again exchanged a word. Yet I felt guilty and was afraid to look
38:40
at him, and remained at a loose end all day. Woloda, on
38:45
the contrary, did his lessons as diligently as ever and passed the time after
38:50
luncheon in talking and laughing with the girls. As soon again as afternoon lessons
38:54
were over, I left the room, for it would have been terribly embarrassing
38:59
for me to be alone with my brother. When too, the evening class
39:02
in history was ended, I took my note book and moved towards the door.
39:07
Just as I passed Woloda, I pouted and pulled an angry face,
39:12
though in reality I should have liked to make my peace with him. At
39:15
the same moment, he lifted his head and, with a barely perceptible and
39:19
good humoredly satirical smile, looked me full in the face. Our eyes met,
39:24
and I saw that he understood me. While He, for his part,
39:28
saw that I knew that he understood me. Yet a feeling stronger than
39:32
myself obliged me to turn away from him. Nikolinka, he said, in
39:38
a perfectly simple and anything but mocking pathetic way, you have been angry with
39:44
me long enough. I am sorry if I offended you, And he tendered
39:46
me his hand. It was as though something welled up from my heart and
39:52
nearly choked me. Presently it passed away. The tears rushed to my eyes,
39:57
and I felt immensely relieved. I too, am sorry, Loda,
40:04
I said, taking his hand. Yet he only looked at me with an
40:07
expression as though he could not understand why there should be tears in my eyes.
40:14
Chapter six, Masha, none of the changes produced in my conception of
40:21
things were so striking as the one which led me to cease to see in
40:24
one of our chambermaids a mere servant of the female sex, but, on
40:29
the contrary, a woman upon whom depended, to a certain extent my peace
40:34
of mind and happiness. From the time of my earliest recollection, I can
40:39
remember Masha an inmate of our house. Yet never until the occurrence of which
40:45
I am going to speak, an occurrence which entirely altered my impression of her.
40:50
Had I bestowed the smallest attention upon her. She was twenty five years
40:54
old while I was but fourteen. Also, she was very beautiful. But
41:00
I hesitate to give a further description of her, lest my imagination should once
41:05
more picture the bewitching though deceptive conception of her which filled my mind during the
41:10
period of my passion to be frank. I will only say that she was
41:15
extraordinarily handsome, magnificently developed, and a woman, as also that I was
41:22
but fourteen. At one of those moments, when lessen book in hand,
41:27
I would pace the room and try to keep strictly to one particular crack in
41:30
the floor as I hummed up fragment of some tune or repeated some vague formula.
41:36
In short, at one of those moments when the mind leaves off thinking
41:38
and the imagination gains the upper hand and yearns for new impressions, I left
41:44
the schoolroom and turned, with no definite purpose in view towards the head of
41:47
the staircase. Somebody in slippers was ascending the second flight of stairs. Of
41:53
course, I felt curious to see who it was, but the footsteps ceased
41:58
abruptly when I heard Masha's voice say, go away, what nonsense? What
42:04
would Maria Ivanovna think if she were to come now? Oh but she will
42:08
not come, answered Woloda's voice in a whisper, well, go away,
42:15
you silly boy, and Masha came running up and fled past me. I
42:19
cannot describe the way in which this discovery confounded me. Nevertheless, the feeling
42:23
of amazement soon gave place to a kind of sympathy with Wilodo's conduct. I
42:29
found myself wondering less at the conduct itself than at his ability to behave so
42:32
agreeably. Also, I found myself involuntarily desiring to imitate him. Sometimes I
42:39
would pace the landing for an hour at a time, with no other thought
42:44
in my head than to watch for movements from above. Yet, although I
42:47
longed beyond all things to do as Woloda had done, I could not bring
42:51
myself to the point. At other times, filled with a sense of envious
42:55
jealousy, I would conceal myself behind a door and listened to the sounds which
43:00
came from the maid servant's room until the thought would occur to my mind,
43:06
how if I were to go in now, and like Woloda kiss Masha.
43:09
What should I say? When she asked me, me with the huge nose
43:14
and the tuft on the top of my head, what I wanted? Sometimes,
43:17
too, I could hear her saying to Wiloda, that serves you right,
43:22
Go away, Nicholas Petrovitch never comes in here with such nonsense. Alas
43:29
she did not know that Nicholas Petrovitch was sitting on the staircase just below,
43:34
and feeling that he would give all he possessed to be in that bold fellow
43:37
Woloda's place. I was shy by nature, and rendered worse in that respect
43:44
by a consciousness of my own ugliness. I am certain that nothing so much
43:47
influence is the development of a man as his exterior, though the exterior itself
43:52
less than his belief in its plainness or beauty. Yet I was too conceited
44:00
it altogether to resign myself to my fate. I tried to comfort myself much
44:04
as the fox did when he declared that the grapes were sour. That is
44:07
to say, I tried to make light of the satisfaction to be gained from
44:12
making such use of a pleasing exterior as I believed Wolloda to employ satisfaction,
44:17
which I nevertheless envied him from my heart, and endeavored with every faculty of
44:23
my intellect and imagination to console myself with a pride in my isolation. Chapter
44:32
seven, Small shot, good, gracious powder, exclaimed Mimi, in a
44:39
voice trembling with alarm. Whatever are you doing? You will set the house
44:45
on fire in a moment and be the death of us all. Upon that,
44:49
with an indescribable expression of firmness, Mimi ordered everyone to stand aside,
44:53
and regardless of all possible danger from a premature explosion, strode with long and
44:59
resolute steps to where some small shot was scattered about the floor, and began
45:04
to trample upon it. When, in her opinion, the pairl was at
45:07
least lessened, she called for Michael and commanded him to throw the powder away
45:13
into some remote spot, or, better still, to immerse it in water,
45:16
after which she adjusted her cap and returned proudly to the drawing room,
45:22
murmuring as she went. At least I can say that they are well looked
45:25
after. When Papa issued from his room and took us to see Grandmamma,
45:30
we found Mimi sitting by the window and glancing with a grave, mysterious official
45:35
expression towards the door. In her hand she was holding something carefully wrapped in
45:40
paper. I guessed that that something was the small shot, and that Grandmamma
45:46
had been informed of the occurrence. In the room also where the maid servant
45:52
Gasha, who, to judge by her angry flushed face, was in a
45:54
state of great irritation, and Doctor Blumenthal, the latter a little man pitted
46:00
with smallpox, who was endeavoring by tacit pacificatory signs with his head and eyes
46:05
to reassure the perturbed Gasha. Grandmamma was sitting a little askew and playing that
46:09
variety of patience which is called the Traveler, two unmistakable signs of her displeasure.
46:16
How are you to day, Mamma, said Papa, as he kissed
46:20
her hand respectfully. Have you had a good night? Yes, very good,
46:24
my dear. You know that I always enjoy sound health, replied Grandmamma,
46:29
in a tone implying that Papa's inquiries were out of place and highly offensive.
46:35
Please give me a clean pocket handkerchief, she added to Gasha. I
46:38
have given you one, Madam, answered Gusha, pointing to the snow white
46:43
cambric handkerchief which she had just laid on the arm of Grandmamma's chair. No,
46:49
it's a nasty, dirty thing. Take it away and bring me a
46:52
clean one, my dear. Gasha went to a cupboard and slammed the door
46:57
of it back so violently that every window rattled. Grandmamma glared angrily at each
47:01
of us, and then turned her attention to following the movements of the servant.
47:07
After the latter had presented her with what I suspected to be the same
47:09
handkerchief as before, Grandmamma continued, And when do you mean to cut me
47:15
some snuff? My dear, when I have time? What do you say
47:22
to day? If you don't want to continue in my service, you had
47:27
better say so at once. I would have sent you away long ago had
47:30
I known that you wished it. It wouldn't have broken my heart if you
47:35
had muttered the woman in an undertone. Here the doctor winked at her again,
47:39
but she returned his gaze so firmly and wrathfully that he soon lowered it
47:45
and went on playing with his watch key. You see, my dear,
47:47
how people speak to me in my own house, said Grandmamma to Papa,
47:52
when Gasha had left the room, grumbling. Well, Mamma, I will
47:57
cut you some snuff myself, replied Papa, though evidently at a loss how
48:01
to proceed now that he had made this rash promise. No, no,
48:07
I thank you. Probably she is cross because she knows that no one except
48:09
herself can cut the snuff just as I like it. Do you know,
48:14
my dear, She went on, after a pause, that your children very
48:16
nearly set the house on fire this morning. Papa gazed at Grandmamma with respectful
48:22
astonishment. Yes, they were playing with something or another. Tell him the
48:29
story, she added to Mimi. Papa could not help smiling as he took
48:34
the shot in his hand. This is only small shot, mamma, he
48:38
remarked, and could never be dangerous. I thank you, my dear,
48:43
for your instruction, but I am rather too old for that sort of thing.
48:49
Nerves nerves, whispered the doctor. Papa turned to us and asked us
48:53
where we had got the stuff and how we could dare to play with it.
48:59
Don't ask them, ask that useless uncle, Rather, put in Grandmamma,
49:04
laying a peculiar stress upon the word uncle. What else is he for?
49:08
Wilotas says that Karl Ivanitch gave him the powder himself, declared Mimi,
49:14
then you can see for yourself what use he is, continued Grandmamma. And
49:17
where is he, this precious uncle? How is one to get hold of
49:22
him? Send him here? He is gone on an errand for me,
49:28
said Papa. That is not at all right, rejoined Grandmamma. He ought
49:31
to always be here. True, the children are yours, not mine,
49:36
and I have nothing to do with them, seeing that you are so much
49:38
cleverer than I am. Yet all the same, I think it is time
49:43
we had a regular tutor for them, and not this uncle of a German,
49:46
a stupid fellow, who knows only how to teach them rude manners and
49:51
Tyrolean songs. Is it necessary? I ask you that they should learn Tyrolean
49:55
songs? However, there is no one for me to consult about it,
50:00
and you must do just as you like. The word now meant now that
50:07
they have no mother, And suddenly awakened sad recollections in Grandmamma's heart, she
50:13
threw a glance at the snuff box bearing Mamma's portrait and sighed, I thought
50:19
of all this long ago, said Papa eagerly, as well as taking your
50:22
advice on the subject. How would you like Saint Jerome to superintend their lessons?
50:27
Oh? I think he would do excellently, my friend, said Grandmamma
50:30
in a mollified tone. He is at least a tutor comiefo, and knows
50:35
how to instruct des enfant de bon Meszon. He is not a mere uncle
50:39
who is good only for taking them out walking. Very well, I will
50:45
talk to him tomorrow, said Papa, and sure enough, two days later
50:50
saw Karl Ivanitch forced to retire in favor of the young Frenchman referred to chapter
50:55
eight Karl Ivanitch's History. The evening before the day when Karl was to leave
51:02
us forever, he was standing clad as usual in his wadded dressing gown and
51:07
red cap, near the bed in his room, and bending down over a
51:12
trunk as he carefully packed his belongings. His behavior towards us had been very
51:16
cool of light, and he had seemed to shrink from all contact with us.
51:21
Consequently, when I entered his room on the present occasion, he only
51:24
glanced at me for a second, and then went on with his occupation,
51:29
even though I proceeded to jump on to his bed, a thing hitherto always
51:32
forbidden me to do. He said not a word, and the idea that
51:36
he would soon be scolding or forgiving us, no longer, no longer having
51:40
anything to do with us, reminded me vividly of the impending separation. I
51:45
felt grieved to think that he had ceased to love us, and wanted to
51:50
show him my grief. Will you let me help you, I said,
51:53
approaching him. He looked at me for a moment and turned away again.
51:59
Yet the expression of pain in his eyes showed that his coldness was not the
52:02
result of indifference, but rather of sincere and concentrated sorrow. God sees and
52:09
knows everything, he said at length, raising himself to his full height and
52:13
drawing a deep sigh. Yes, Nikolinka, he went on, observing the
52:19
expression of sincere pity on my face. My fate has been an unhappy one
52:22
from the cradle, and will continue so to the grave. The good that
52:27
I have done to people has always been repaid with evil. Yet though I
52:30
shall receive no reward here, I shall find one there. He pointed upwards.
52:37
Ah if only you knew my whole story and all that I have endured
52:40
in this life. I who have been a bootmaker, a soldier, a
52:45
deserter, a factory hand, and a teacher. Yet now now I am
52:50
nothing, and, like the son of man, have nowhere to lay my
52:53
head. Sitting down upon a chair, he covered his eyes with his hand,
52:59
seeing that he was in the introspective mood in which a man pays no
53:02
attention to his listener as he cons over his secret thoughts. I remained silent,
53:07
and, seating myself upon the bed, continued to watch his kind face.
53:14
You are no longer a child. You can understand things now, and
53:16
I will tell you my whole story and all that I have undergone. Some
53:22
day, my children, you may remember the old friend who loved you so
53:24
much. He leant his elbow upon the table by his side, took a
53:29
pinch of snuff, and, in the peculiarly measured guttural tone in which he
53:34
used to dictate us our lessons, began the story of his career. Since
53:39
he many times in later years repeated the whole to me again, always in
53:43
the same order and with the same expressions and the same unvarying intonation. I
53:47
will try to render it literally and without omitting the innumerable grammatical errors into which
53:54
he always strayed when speaking in Russian. Whether it was really the history of
53:59
his life, for whether it was the mere product of his imagination, that
54:02
is to say, some narrative which he had conceived during his lonely residence in
54:07
our house and had at last, from endless repetition, come to believe in
54:12
himself, or whether he was adorning with imaginary facts the true record of his
54:16
career. I have never quite been able to make out. On the one
54:21
hand, there was too much depth of feeling and practical consistency in its recital
54:25
for it to be wholly incredible, while on the other hand, the abundance
54:30
of poetical beauty which it contained tended to raise doubts in the mind of the
54:35
listener. Me Ver very unhappy from the time of my birth. He began
54:42
with a profound sigh. Z Nobelblut of the Countess of Zummerblat flows in my
54:49
veins. Me Ver born six weeks after zivetting Ze, man of my mutter,
54:57
I called him Papa ver Farmer to Zi, Count van Zumerblad. He
55:02
could not forget my mother's shame and loved me not. I had a youngster
55:08
brother, Johann, and two sister pot me very strange between my own family.
55:17
Then Johann made several silly tricks. Papa said, with this child,
55:23
Karl, I am never to have one moment frank will And then he scolded
55:29
and punished me. When the sister quarreled among themselves, Papa said, karlvill
55:36
never be one obedient boy, and still scolded and punished me. My good
55:43
Mamma alone loved and tenterate me often. She said to me, Carl,
55:50
come in my room, and there she kissed me secretly, poorly, poorly,
55:57
Karl, she said, nobody love you, but I will not exchange
56:01
you for somebody in the world. One sing your mother pegged you to remember.
56:08
She said to me, learn well and be ever one honest man,
56:15
then God will not forsake you. And I tried so to become. When
56:22
my fourteen year had expired and me could partake of the Holy Supper, my
56:28
mother said to my father Karl is one pig boy. Now, Gustaf,
56:34
what shall we do with him? Aunt Papa said me don't know. Then
56:40
Mamma said, let us give him to town at mister Schulton's and he may
56:45
be shoemaker. And my father said, good. Six year and seven months
56:53
lived I in town with the mister shoemaker, and he loved me. He
56:59
said, Karl are one good workman and shall soon become my jaselle. But
57:06
man makes the proposition, Aunt God the deposition. In the year seventeen ninety
57:13
six one conscription took place. Aunt. Each which was serviceable from the eighteenths
57:20
to the twenty first year had to go to town. My father and my
57:25
brother Johann come to town and we go together to throw the lot for which
57:31
should be Soljat. Johann drew the fatal number and leave us not necessary to
57:38
be soljat. Aunt. Papa said, I have only one son, and
57:45
with him I must now separate. Then I take his hand and says,
57:52
why you say so? Papa, come with me and I will say you
57:55
something. And Papa come and we seat together at the public's house, and
58:04
me said, waiter, give us one beer cug and he gives us one.
58:10
We drink all together, and brother Johann also drink. Papa said me,
58:17
don't say that you have only one son? And wisit you must separate.
58:23
My heart was breaking when you says this, brother, Johann must not
58:29
serve me. Shall be soljat Karl is for nobody necessary, and Karl shall
58:36
be sojat You is one honest man, Karl said Papa, and kissed me,
58:43
and me was sojat. End of section two, chapter nine, continuation
58:51
of Karl's narrative. That was a terrible time, Nicolinka continued, Karl Ivanitch
58:59
the time of Napoleonian. He wanted to conquer Germany, and we protected our
59:04
vaterland to the last trap of plot mever at um mever at austerlitz me we
59:12
at Wagram? Did you really fight? I asked, with a gaze of
59:16
astonishment. Did you really kill anybody? Karl instantly reassured me on this point.
59:23
Once one French grenadier was left behind and fell to the ground, I
59:30
sprang forwards with my gun and were about to kill him aber Der franzose vortzein
59:37
gevir hin unrif pardon, and I let him loose. At Wagram, Napoleon
59:45
cut us open and surrounded us in such a way as Zervas no helping.
59:52
Three days had we no provisions, An stood in zavater up to the knees.
59:59
See even Napoleon neither let us go loose nor catched us. On the
1:00:06
fourth day they took us prisoners, thank God, and sent us to one
1:00:12
fortress. Upon me vas one blue trousers, uniforms, a very good close
1:00:19
fifteen of tollers, and one silver clock, which my vater hath given me.
1:00:25
Sir Franz Soldatin took from me everything for my happiness. Serve us three
1:00:32
ducats on me, which my mamma had sown in my shirt of flannel.
1:00:37
Nobody found them. I liked not long to stay in the fortresses, and
1:00:44
resoluted to run away one day. One pig holiday, says I to the
1:00:50
sergeant which had to look after us. Mister sergeant, to day is a
1:00:55
pig holiday, and me wants to celebrate it. Bring here, if you
1:01:00
please, two bottle mateira, and we shall drink them with each other.
1:01:06
And the sergeant says, goot venzi, sergeant, bring the mateira and we
1:01:12
drink it out to the last drop. I taked his hand. Aunt,
1:01:17
says, mister sergeant. Perhaps you have still one vater and one mutter.
1:01:22
He says, so I have, mister mayor, my voter and mutter not
1:01:30
seeing me eight year I goes on to him aunt say no, not if
1:01:35
I am yet alive, or if my bones be reposing in the grave.
1:01:38
O, mister sergeant, I have two tuckets which is in my shirt of
1:01:43
flannel. Take them and let me loose. You will be my benefactor,
1:01:49
and my mutter will be praying for you all her life to the almighty God.
1:01:57
The sergeant emptied his glass of mateira and said, says, mister Mayor,
1:02:01
I love and pity you very much, but you is one prisoner and
1:02:06
I one soljiat. So I take his hunt, and says mister sergeant.
1:02:12
And the sergeant says, you is one poor man, and I will not
1:02:17
take your money, but I will help you. Then I go to sleep.
1:02:22
Buy one pail of prante for desoldaten, and they will sleep. Me
1:02:29
will not look after you. This was one good man. I put it
1:02:34
the pail of prante, and then the soultatin was drunken. Me dressed in
1:02:39
one old coat and gang in silence out of the doon. I go to
1:02:45
the wall and will leaped down. But there is water below and I will
1:02:50
not spoil my last dressing. So I go to the gate. The sentry
1:02:54
go up and down with one gun, and look at me, who goes
1:03:00
there? And I was silent? Who goes there? The second time?
1:03:05
And I was silent? Who go there the third time? And I run
1:03:07
away? I sprang in the water, climb up to the other side,
1:03:13
and walk on the entire night. I run on the vey. But when
1:03:19
daylight came, I was afraid that they would catch me, and I hit
1:03:23
myself in the high corn. There I kneeled down, sank at the water
1:03:30
in heaven for my safety, and fall asleep with a tranquil feeling. I
1:03:36
wakened up in the evening and gang firstir At once one large German carriage with
1:03:43
two raven black horse came alongside me. In the carriage sit one well dressed
1:03:47
man smoking pipe, and look at me. I go slowly, so that
1:03:52
the carriage shall have time to pass me. But I go slowly, and
1:03:57
the carriage goes slowly, and the man look at me. I go quick,
1:04:00
and the carriage go quick, and the man stop its two horses and
1:04:04
look at me. Young man says he, where go you so late?
1:04:10
I says, I go to Frankfort. Sit in the carriage. There is
1:04:14
room enough and I will track you, he says, but why have you
1:04:18
nosing about you? Your boots is dirty and your beard not shaven. I
1:04:24
seated with him and says, I been one poor man and I would like
1:04:29
to pussy myself with something in a manufactory. My dressing is dirty because I
1:04:33
fell in zemadanzi rote. You tell me, untruce, young man, says
1:04:40
he. The roat is quite dry. Now I was silent. Tell me
1:04:45
the whole truth, goes Onzie good Man. Who you are and where you
1:04:49
go to? I like your face and venue is one honest man, so
1:04:54
I will help you. And I tell all. Good young man, he
1:05:00
says, come to my manufactory of rope, and I will give you work
1:05:03
and dress and money, and you can live with us. I says,
1:05:09
goot. I go to the manufactory of rope, and say, good man
1:05:13
says to his woman. Here is one young man who defended his batterland and
1:05:18
run away from prisons. He has not house, nor tresses nor prete.
1:05:24
He will live with us, Give him clean linen and nourish him. I
1:05:30
lived one and a half year in the manufactory of rope, and my landlord
1:05:34
loved me so much that he would not let me loose, and I felt
1:05:39
very good. I was then handsome man, young of pig stature, with
1:05:45
blue eyes and romish nose. And missus l I like not to say her
1:05:49
name. She was a woman of my landlord, was young and handsome lady,
1:05:55
and she fell in love with me. Here Karl Ivanitch made a law
1:06:00
long pause, lowered his kindly blue eyes, shook his head quietly, and
1:06:03
smiled as people always do under the influence of a pleasing recollection. Yes,
1:06:11
he resumed as he leant back in his arm chair and adjusted his dressing gown.
1:06:15
I have experienced many things in my life, but there is my witness
1:06:19
here, he pointed to an image of the Savior embroidered on wool which was
1:06:24
hanging over his bed. That nobody in the world can say that Karl Ivanitch
1:06:30
has been one dishonest man. I would not repay black ingratitude for zigut,
1:06:34
which mister l did me, and I resoluted to run away. So in
1:06:40
the evening then all were asleep, I write it one letter to my landlord
1:06:45
and laid it on the table in his room. Then I taked my tresses,
1:06:49
tree taler of money, and go mysteriously into the street. Nobody have
1:06:56
seen me, and I go on. Zi wrote chapter ten, conclusion of
1:07:03
Karl's narrative. I had not seen my mamma for nine years, and I
1:07:09
know not whether she lived or whether her bones had long since lain in the
1:07:13
dark grave. Then I come to my own country and go to ze town.
1:07:16
I ask where live Gustaf Mayer, who was farmer to the Count van
1:07:21
Zomerblatt. Ansey answer me, Graf Sohmerblatt is dead. Aunt Gustaf Mayer live
1:07:30
now in the pig street and keep a public house. So I tress in
1:07:34
my new waistcoat and one noble coat which the manufacturist presented me, arranged my
1:07:41
hairs nice, and go to the public house of my papa. Sister Merrison
1:07:46
was sitting on a pench, and she asked me what I want. I
1:07:49
says, might I drink one glass of branty? And she says, batter,
1:07:56
here is a young man who wished to drink one glass of Branti,
1:08:00
and Papa says, give him the glass. I set to the table,
1:08:04
drink my glass at branty, smoke my pipe and look at Papa, Marishan
1:08:10
and Johann, who also come into the shop. In the conversation, Papa
1:08:15
says, you know, perhaps, young man, where stants our army,
1:08:19
And I say, I myself am come from the army, and it stands
1:08:23
now at ruienn our son says, Papa is a soldat. And now is
1:08:30
it nine years since he wrote? Never one word, and we know not
1:08:32
whether he is alive or dead. My woman cry continually for him. I
1:08:39
still fumigate the pipe and say, what was your son's name? And horse
1:08:44
served tea? Perhaps I may know him. His name was Karl Mayer,
1:08:49
and he served in the Austrian Jaggers. He wore a pig stature and a
1:08:55
handsome man like yourself, puts in Marishan. I say, I know your
1:09:00
Karl, Amalia exclaimed Mavater. Come here, here is young man which knows
1:09:05
our Karl, And my dear mutter comes out from a back door. I
1:09:11
knew her directly. You know our Karl, says she, and looks at
1:09:15
me and white all over trembles. Yes, I have seen him, I
1:09:18
says, without the courage to look at her, for my heart did almost
1:09:23
burst. My Karl is alive, she cried, Zin, thank God,
1:09:29
very is he my Karl. I would die in peace if I could see
1:09:31
him once more, my darling son. But God will not have it.
1:09:35
So then she cried, and I could no longer stant it. Darling Mamma,
1:09:41
I say, I am your son, I am your karl, and
1:09:45
she fell into my arms. Karl Ivanitch covered his eyes and his lips were
1:09:48
quivering. Mutter sakti ich ik bin er son ik bin ere karl UNSI stirtzty
1:09:57
mere in the army. He RepA, recovering a little and wiping the tears
1:10:01
from his eyes. But God did not wish me to finish my days in
1:10:06
my own town. I were pursued by fate. I lived in my own
1:10:11
town only three months. One sante. I sit in a coffee house and
1:10:15
drink it one pint a pier, and fumigated my pipe, and speak it
1:10:20
with some friends of politic, of the Emperor, Franz, of Napoleon,
1:10:26
of the war, and anybody might say his opinion. But next to us
1:10:30
sits a strange gentleman in a gray uberak, who drink coffee, fumigate the
1:10:35
pipe and says nothing. When the night watchman shouted ten o'clock, I taked
1:10:42
my hat, paid the money and go home. At the middle of the
1:10:45
night, some one knock at the door. I rise and says, who
1:10:49
is there? Open, says some one. I shout again. First,
1:10:55
say who is there? And I will open open in the name of the
1:10:58
law, say some one behind the door. I now do so. Two
1:11:02
soldatin with guns stand at the door, and into the room steps the man
1:11:08
in the gray uberak, who had sat with us in the coffee house he
1:11:13
were spying. Come with me, says the spyan. Very good, I
1:11:18
say. I dressed myself in boots, trousers and coat and go through the
1:11:24
room. Then I come to the wall where my gun hangs. I take
1:11:28
it and says you are a spy. In so defend you. I give
1:11:31
one stroke left, one right, and one on the head. The spian
1:11:35
lay precipitated on the floor. Then I taked my cloak, bag and money
1:11:41
and jumped out of zivinto I went to Ems, where I was acquainted with
1:11:45
one General Sassin, who loved me, gived me a passport from the embassy
1:11:51
and take me to Rustland to learn his children. Then General Sasin tied your
1:11:58
mamma called for me and says Karl Ivanitch, I give you my children,
1:12:02
love them and I will never leave you and will take care of your old
1:12:06
age. Now she is dead and all is forgotten for my twenty year full
1:12:12
of service, I must now go into this street and seek for a try
1:12:16
crust of bread for my old age. God sees all this and knows all
1:12:23
this. His holy will be done. Only only I yearn for you,
1:12:28
my children, and Karl drew me to him and kissed me on the forehead.
1:12:33
Chapter eleven one mark only the year of morning over. Grandmamma recovered a
1:12:41
little from her grief and once more took to receiving occasional guests, especially children
1:12:45
of the same age as ourselves. On the thirteenth of December Lubotshka's birthday,
1:12:51
the Princess Kornikov and her daughters with Madame Valakin, Stonetchka, Ilinka, grap
1:13:00
and the two younger twins arrived at our house before luncheon. Though we could
1:13:03
hear the sounds of talking, laughter and movements going on in the drawing room,
1:13:08
we could not join the party until our morning lessons were finished. The
1:13:12
table of studies in the schoolroom, said Lundi de diu artois maitre d'estoir e
1:13:19
de geography, and this infernal maitre d'estoir we must await, listen to,
1:13:27
and see the back of before we could gain our liberty. Already it was
1:13:30
twenty minutes past two, and nothing was to be heard of the tutor,
1:13:34
nor yet anything to be seen of him in the street, although I kept
1:13:38
looking up and down it with the greatest impatience and with an emphatic longing never
1:13:42
to see the matre again. I believe he is not coming to day,
1:13:45
said Wiloda, looking up for a moment from his lesson book. I hope
1:13:49
he has not pleased the Lord, I answered, but in a despondent tone.
1:13:55
Yet there he does come, I believe all the same, not he,
1:14:00
Why that is a gentleman, said Woloda, likewise, looking out of
1:14:02
the window. Let us wait till half past two, and then ask Saint
1:14:05
Jerome if we may put away our books. Yes, and wish them au
1:14:11
revoir, I added, stretching my arms with the book clasped in my hands
1:14:15
over my head. Having hitherto idled away my time, I now opened the
1:14:17
book at the place where the lesson was to begin, and started to learn
1:14:21
it. It was long and difficult, and moreover I was in the mood
1:14:26
when one's thoughts refused to be arrested by anything at all. Consequently, I
1:14:30
made no progress after our last lesson in history, which always seemed to me
1:14:34
a peculiarly arduous and wearisome subject. The history master had complained to Saint Jerome
1:14:41
of me because only two good marks stood to my credit in the register,
1:14:45
a very small total. Saint Jerome had then told me that if I failed
1:14:49
to gain less than three marks at the next lesson, I should be severely
1:14:54
punished. The next lesson was now imminent, and I confess that I felt
1:14:58
a little nervous. So absorbed, however, did I become in my reading
1:15:02
that the sound of galoshes being taken off in the ante room came upon me
1:15:06
almost as a shock. I had just time to look up when there appeared
1:15:11
in the doorway the servile and to me very disgusting face and form of the
1:15:15
Master, clad in a blue frock coat with brass buttons. Slowly he set
1:15:20
down his hat and books, and adjusted the folds of his coat, as
1:15:25
though such a thing were necessary, and seated himself in his place. Well,
1:15:30
gentlemen, he said, rubbing his hands. Let us first of all,
1:15:32
repeat the general contents of the last lesson, after which I will proceed
1:15:36
to narrate the succeeding events of the Middle Ages. This meant, say,
1:15:42
over the last lesson, while Woloda was answering the master with the entire ease
1:15:46
and confidence which come of knowing a subject well, I went aimlessly out on
1:15:50
to the landing. And since I was not allowed to go downstairs, what
1:15:55
more natural than that I should involuntarily turn towards the alcove on the landing.
1:16:00
Yet before I had time to establish myself in my usual coign of vantage behind
1:16:04
the door, I found myself pounced upon by Mimi, always the cause of
1:16:10
my misfortunes. You here, she said, looking severely, first at myself,
1:16:15
and then at the maid servant's door, and then at myself again.
1:16:18
I felt thoroughly guilty, firstly because I was not in the school room,
1:16:23
and secondly because I was in a forbidden place. So I remained silent,
1:16:28
and, dropping my head, assumed a touching expression of contrition. Indeed,
1:16:32
this is too bad, Mimi went on, What are you doing here?
1:16:35
Still? I said nothing. Well, it shall not rest where it is,
1:16:40
she added, tapping the banister with her yellow fingers. I shall inform
1:16:44
the Countess. It was five minutes to three when I re entered the schoolroom.
1:16:48
The master, as though oblivious of my presence or absence, was explaining
1:16:53
the new lesson to Wiloda. When he had finished doing this and had put
1:16:57
his books together, while Woloda went into the other room to fetch his ticket,
1:17:00
the comforting idea occurred to me that perhaps the whole thing was over now,
1:17:04
and that the master had forgotten me. But suddenly he turned in my
1:17:09
direction with a malicious smile and said, as he rubbed his hands, anew,
1:17:13
I hope you have learnt your lesson? Yes, I replied, Would
1:17:18
you be so kind then as to tell me something about Saint Louis's crusade?
1:17:23
He went on, balancing himself on his chair and looking gravely at his feet.
1:17:28
Firstly, tell me something about the reasons which induced the French king to
1:17:31
assume the cross. Here he raised his eyebrows and pointed to the inkstand.
1:17:36
Then explain to me the general characteristics of the crusade. Here he made a
1:17:41
sweeping gesture with his hand, as though to seize hold of something with it,
1:17:45
And lastly expound to me the influence of this crusade upon the European states
1:17:50
in general, drawing the copy books to the left side of the table,
1:17:56
and upon the French state in particular, drawing one of them to the right,
1:18:00
and inclining his head in the same direction. I swallowed a few times,
1:18:04
coughed, bent forward, and was silent. Then, taking a pen
1:18:09
from the table, I began to pick it to pieces, yet still said
1:18:12
nothing. Allow me the pen, I shall want it, said the Master.
1:18:16
Well, Louis, the er Saint was, was a very good and
1:18:23
wise king. What king? He took it into his head to go to
1:18:29
Jerusalem and hand it over the reins of government to his mother? What was
1:18:33
her name? But but but Lanka? What Belanka? I laughed, in
1:18:40
a rather forced smile. Well is that all you know? He asked,
1:18:44
again, smiling. I had nothing to lose now, so I began chattering
1:18:47
the first thing that came into my head. The Master remained silent as he
1:18:51
gathered together the remains of the pen which I had left strewn about the table,
1:18:56
looked gravely past my ear at the wall, and repeated for time to
1:19:00
time, very well, very well. Though I was conscious that I knew
1:19:03
nothing whatever, and was expressing myself all wrong. I felt much hurt at
1:19:09
the fact that he never either corrected or interrupted me. What made him think
1:19:14
of going to Jerusalem? He asked, at last, repeating some words of
1:19:16
my own, because because that is to say, My confusion was complete,
1:19:24
and I relapsed into silence. I felt that even if this disgusting history master
1:19:30
were to go on putting questions to me and gazing inquiringly into my face for
1:19:33
a year, I should never be able to enunciate another syllable. After staring
1:19:39
at me for some three minutes, he suddenly assumed a mournful cast of countenance
1:19:44
and said, in an agitated voice to Woloda, who was just re entering
1:19:47
the room, allow me the register. I will write my remarks. He
1:19:53
opened the book thoughtfully, and in his fine calligraphy, marked five for Woloda
1:19:58
for diligence and the aim for good behavior. Then, resting his pen on
1:20:02
the line where my report was to go, he looked at me and reflected.
1:20:06
Suddenly his hand made a decisive movement, and behold against my name stood
1:20:11
a clearly marked one with a full stop after it. Another movement, and
1:20:15
in the behavior column there stood another one and another full stop, quietly closing
1:20:21
the book. The Master then rose and moved towards the door, as though
1:20:25
unconscious of my look of entreaty, despair and reproach. Michael levyanitch I said
1:20:33
no, He replied, as though knowing beforehand what I was about to say.
1:20:38
It is impossible for you to learn in that way. I am not
1:20:41
going to earn my money for nothing. He put on his goloshes and cloak,
1:20:45
and then slowly tied a scarf about his neck. To think that he
1:20:48
could care about such trifles after what had just happened to me. To him,
1:20:54
it was all a mere stroke of the pen, But to me it
1:20:56
meant the direst misfortune is the lesson over, asked Saint Jerome, entering yes,
1:21:03
And was the Master pleased with you? Yes? How many marks did
1:21:06
he give you? Five? And to Nicholas I was silent, I think
1:21:13
four, said Wiloda. His idea was to save me for at least to
1:21:16
day. If punishment there must be, it need not be awarded while we
1:21:19
had guests. Boyon, monsieur. Saint Jerome was forever saying, boyon fet
1:21:27
votre toilette. A descendant chapter twelve the key. We had hardly descended and
1:21:34
greeted our guests. When luncheon was announced, Papa was in the highest of
1:21:39
spirits, since for some time past he had been winning. He had presented
1:21:43
Lubotchka with a silver tea service, and suddenly remembered after luncheon that he had
1:21:47
forgotten a box of bonbons, which he was to have too. Why send
1:21:51
a servant for it? You had better go Kco, he said to me
1:21:56
jestingly. The keys are in the tray on the table, you know.
1:22:00
Take them, and with the largest one opened the second drawer on the right.
1:22:03
There you will find the box of bonbons. Bring it here. Shall
1:22:06
I get you some cigars as well? I said, knowing that he always
1:22:10
smoked. After luncheon, Yes, do, but don't touch anything else.
1:22:15
I found the keys and was about to carry out my orders when I was
1:22:18
seized with a desire to know what the smallest of the keys on the bunch
1:22:23
belonged to. On the table, I saw, among many other things,
1:22:27
a padlocked portfolio, and at once felt curious to see if that was what
1:22:30
the key fitted. My experiment was crowned with success. The portfolio opened and
1:22:35
disclosed a number of papers. Curiosity so strongly urged me also to ascertain what
1:22:42
those papers contained, that the voice of conscience was stilled, and I began
1:22:45
to read their contents. My childish feeling of unlimited respect for my elders,
1:22:50
especially for Papa, was so strong within me that my intellect involuntarily refused to
1:22:57
draw any conclusions from what I had seen. I felt that Papa was living
1:23:00
in a sphere completely apart from, incomprehensible by and unattainable for me, as
1:23:08
well as one that was in every way excellent, and that any attempt on
1:23:11
my part to criticize the secrets of his life would constitute something like sacrilege.
1:23:16
For this reason, the discovery which I made from Papa's portfolio left no clear
1:23:21
impression upon my mind, but only a dim consciousness that I had done wrong.
1:23:26
I felt ashamed and confused. The feeling made me eager to shut the
1:23:30
portfolio again as quickly as possible, But it seemed as though on this unlucky
1:23:33
day I was destined to experience every possible kind of adversity. I put the
1:23:39
key back into the padlock and turned it round, but not in the right
1:23:43
direction, thinking that the portfolio was now locked. I pulled at the key,
1:23:46
and oh horror, found my hand come away with only the top half
1:23:50
of the key in it. In vain did I try to put the two
1:23:54
halves together and to extract the portion that was sticking in the padlock. At
1:23:58
last, I had to resign myself to the dreadful thought that I had committed
1:24:00
a new crime, one which would be discovered to day, as soon as
1:24:04
ever Papa returned to his study. First of all Mimi's accusation on the staircase,
1:24:11
and then that one mark, and then this key. Nothing worse could
1:24:15
happen now this very evening I should be assailed successively by Grandmamma because of Mimi's
1:24:19
denunciation, by Saint Jerome because of the solitary mark, and by Papa because
1:24:26
of the matter of this key. Yes, all in one evening. What
1:24:30
on earth is to become of me? What have I done? I exclaimed,
1:24:33
as I paced the soft carpet. Well, I went on with sudden
1:24:38
determination. What must come must that's all, And taking up the bonbonds and
1:24:42
the cigars, I ran back to the other part of the house. The
1:24:45
fatalistic formula with which I had concluded and which was one that I often heard
1:24:48
Nicola utter during my childhood, always produced in me at the more difficult crises
1:24:54
of my life, a momentarily soothing, beneficial effect. Consequently, when I
1:25:00
re entered the drawing room, I was in a rather excited, unnatural mood,
1:25:03
yet one that was perfectly cheerful. End of Section three, Chapter thirteen,
1:25:12
The Traitress. After luncheon, we began to play at round games,
1:25:15
in which I took a lively part. While indulging in cat and mouse,
1:25:20
I happened to canon rather awkwardly against Kernikov's governess, who was playing with us,
1:25:26
and stepping on her dress tore a large hole in it. Seeing that
1:25:30
the girls, particularly Sonechka, were anything but displeased at the spectacle of the
1:25:34
governess angrily departing to the maidservant's room to have her dress mended, I resolved
1:25:40
to procure them the satisfaction of a second time. Accordingly, in pursuance of
1:25:45
this amiable resolution, I waited until my victim returned, and then began to
1:25:50
gallop madly round her until a favorable moment occurred, for once more, planting
1:25:55
my heel upon her dress and reopening the rent, Senechka and the young princesses
1:26:00
had much ado to restrain their laughter, which excited my conceit the more.
1:26:04
But Saint Jerome, who had probably divined my tricks, came up to me
1:26:09
with the frown which I could never abide in him, and said that since
1:26:13
I seemed disposed to mischief, he would have to send me away if I
1:26:16
did not moderate my behavior. However, I was in the desperate position of
1:26:20
a person who, having staked more than he has in his pocket, and
1:26:25
feeling that he can never make up his account, continues to plunge on unlucky
1:26:29
cards, not because he hopes to regain his losses, but because it will
1:26:33
not do for him to stop and consider. So I merely laughed in an
1:26:38
impudent fashion and flung away from my monitor. After cat and Mouse, another
1:26:43
game followed, in which the gentlemen sit on one row of chairs and the
1:26:46
ladies on another, and choose each other for partners. The youngest princess always
1:26:53
chose the younger iwin Katenka either Willoda or Ilinka, and Senechka Siriyosha. Nor
1:27:00
to my extreme astonishment, did Sonechka seem at all embarrassed when her cavalier went
1:27:05
and sat down beside her. On the contrary, she only laughed her sweet
1:27:11
musical laugh and made a sign with her head that he had chosen right.
1:27:15
Since nobody chose me, I always had the mortification of finding myself left over,
1:27:19
and of hearing them say who has been left out? Oh, Nikolinka,
1:27:24
well do take him somebody. Consequently, whenever it came to my turn
1:27:29
to guess who had chosen me, I had to go either to my sister
1:27:32
or to one of the ugly elder princesses. Snatchka seemed so absorbed in Seraosha
1:27:39
that in her eyes I clearly existed no longer. I do not quite know
1:27:43
why I called her the traitress in my thoughts, since she had never promised
1:27:46
to choose me instead of Seraosha. But for all that I felt convinced that
1:27:50
she was treating me in a very abominable fashion. After the game was finished,
1:27:56
I actually saw the traitress, from whom I never thought less could not
1:28:00
withdraw my eyes, go with Seraosha and Kateenka into a corner and engage in
1:28:05
secret confabulation, stealing softly round the piano which masked the conclave. I beheld
1:28:12
the following Kateenka was holding up a pocket handkerchief by two of its corners so
1:28:17
as to form a screen for the heads of her two companions. No,
1:28:21
you have lost. You must pay the forfeit, cried Siriosha at that moment,
1:28:26
and Sonechka, who was standing in front of him, blushed like a
1:28:30
criminal as she replied, No, I have not lost, have I,
1:28:33
Mademoiselle Catherine Well, I must speak the truth, answered Kateenka, and say
1:28:39
that you have lost, my dear Scarcely had she spoken the words when Seraosha
1:28:44
embraced Senechka and kissed her right on her rosy lips, and Sonuchka smiled as
1:28:50
though it were nothing but merely something very pleasant. Horrors The Artful Traitress,
1:29:00
Chapter fourteen, The Retribution. Instantly I began to feel a strong contempt for
1:29:05
the female sex in general, and Senechka in particular. I began to think
1:29:11
that it was nothing at all amusing in these games, that they were only
1:29:14
fit for girls, and felt as though I should like to make a great
1:29:16
noise, or to do something of such extraordinary boldness that every one would be
1:29:23
forced to admire it. The opportunity soon arrived. Saint Jerome said something to
1:29:28
Mimi and then left the room. I could hear his footsteps ascending the staircase
1:29:32
and then passing across the school room, and the idea occurred to me that
1:29:36
Mimi must have told him her story about my being found on the landing,
1:29:41
and thereupon he had gone to look at the register. In those days,
1:29:45
it must be remembered, I believed that Saint Jerome's whole aim in life was
1:29:48
to annoy me. Somewhere, I have read that not infrequently children of from
1:29:54
twelve to fourteen years of age, that is to say, children just passing
1:29:58
from childhood to adolescence, are addicted to incendiarism or even to murder. As
1:30:04
I look back on my childhood, and particularly upon the mood in which I
1:30:09
was on that particular for myself most unlucky day, I can quite understand the
1:30:14
possibility of such terrible crimes being committed by children without any real aim in view,
1:30:19
without any wish to do wrong, but merely out of curiosity or under
1:30:24
the influence of an unconscious necessity for action. There are moments when the human
1:30:30
being sees the future in such lurid colors that he shrinks from fixing his mental
1:30:34
eye upon it, puts a check upon all his intellectual activity, and tries
1:30:39
to feel convinced that the future will never be and that the past has never
1:30:44
been. At such moments, moments when thought does not shrink from manifestations of
1:30:48
will, and the carnal instincts alone constitute the springs of life. I can
1:30:54
understand that want of experience, which is a particularly predisposing factor in this case,
1:31:00
might very possibly lead a child eye without fear or hesitation, but rather
1:31:04
with a smile of curiosity on its face, to set fire to the house
1:31:09
in which its parents and brothers and sisters, being whom it tenderly loves,
1:31:13
are lying asleep. It would be under the same influence of momentary absence of
1:31:17
thought, almost absence of mind, that a peasant boy of seventeen might catch
1:31:23
sight of the edge of a newly sharpened axe reposing near the bench on which
1:31:27
his aged father was lying asleep, face downwards, and suddenly raised the implement
1:31:31
in order to observe with unconscious curiosity, how the blood would come spurting out
1:31:36
upon the floor. If he made a wound in the sleeper's neck. It
1:31:41
is under the same influence, the same absence of thought, the same instinctive
1:31:45
curiosity that a man finds delight in standing on the brink of an abyss and
1:31:49
thinking to himself, how if I were to throw myself down, or in
1:31:54
holding to his brow a loaded pistol and wondering what if I were to pull
1:31:58
the trigger, feeling when he catches sight of some universally respected personage, that
1:32:02
he would like to go up to him, pull his nose hard and say,
1:32:06
how do you do, old boy? Under the spell. Then of
1:32:11
this instinctive agitation and lack of reflection, I was moved to put out my
1:32:15
tongue and to say that I would not move when Saint Jerome came down and
1:32:18
told me that I had behaved so badly that day, as well as done
1:32:23
my lessons so ill that I had no right to be where I was and
1:32:26
must go upstairs directly. At first, from astonishment and anger, he could
1:32:30
not utter a word. Sepiene, he exclaimed eventually, as he darted towards
1:32:36
me. Several times have I promised to punish you, and you have been
1:32:41
saved from it by your grandmamma. But now I see that nothing but the
1:32:45
cane will teach you obedience, and you shall therefore taste it. This was
1:32:50
said loud enough for everyone to hear. The blood rushed to my heart with
1:32:55
such vehemence that I could feel that organ beating violently, could feel the color
1:33:00
rising to my cheeks and my lips trembling. Probably I looked horrible at that
1:33:04
moment, for avoiding my eye, Saint Jerome stepped forward and caught me by
1:33:09
the hand. Hardly feeling his touch, I pulled away my hand in blind
1:33:14
fury, and with all my childish might struck him. What are you doing,
1:33:19
said Wiloda, who had seen my behavior and now approached me in alarm
1:33:24
at astonishment, Let me alone, I exclaimed, the tears flowing fast.
1:33:29
Not a single one of you loves me or understands how miserable I am.
1:33:33
You are, all of you odious and disgusting, I added, bluntly,
1:33:38
turning to the company at large. At this moment, Saint Jerome, his
1:33:43
face pale but determined, approached me again, and, with a movement too
1:33:46
quick to admit of any defense, seized my hands as with a pair of
1:33:50
tongs and dragged me away. My head swam with excitement, and I can
1:33:56
only remember that, so long as I had strength to do it, I
1:33:58
fought with head and lefts that my nose several times collided with a pair of
1:34:02
knees, that my teeth tore some one's coat, that all around me I
1:34:06
could hear the shuffling of feet, and that I could smell dust and the
1:34:11
scent of violets with which Saint Jerome used to perfume himself. Five minutes later,
1:34:17
the door of the storeroom closed behind me. Basil said, a triumphant
1:34:23
but detestable voice, Bring me the cane, Chapter fifteen Dreams. Could I,
1:34:32
at that moment have supposed that I should ever live to survive the misfortunes
1:34:36
of that day, or that there would ever come a time when I should
1:34:39
be able to look back upon those misfortunes Composedly, As I sat there thinking
1:34:45
over what I had done, I could not imagine what the matter had been
1:34:47
with me. I only felt with despair that I was forever lost. At
1:34:54
first, the most profound stillness reigned around me, at least so it appeared
1:34:59
to me as compared with the violent internal emotion which I had been experiencing.
1:35:03
But by and by I began to distinguish various sounds. Basil brought something downstairs,
1:35:10
which he laid upon a chest. Outside, it sounded like a broomstick.
1:35:14
Below me, I could hear Saint Jerome's grumbling voice, probably he was
1:35:17
speaking of me, And then children's voices, and laughter and footsteps, until
1:35:23
in a few moments everything seemed to have regained its normal course in the house,
1:35:28
as though nobody knew or cared to know that here I was sitting alone
1:35:31
in the dark storeroom. I did not cry, but something lay heavy like
1:35:36
a stone upon my heart. Ideas and pictures passed with extraordinary rapidity before my
1:35:43
troubled imagination. Yet through their fantastic sequence, broke continually the remembrance of the
1:35:49
misfortune which had befallen me. As I once again plunged into an interminable labyrinth
1:35:56
of conjectures as to the punishment, the fate, and the despair that were
1:36:00
awaiting me, the thought occurred to me that there must be some reason for
1:36:04
the general dislike, even contempt, which I fancied to be felt for me
1:36:10
by others. I was firmly convinced that everyone from Grandmamma down to the coachman.
1:36:16
Philip despised me and found pleasure in my sufferings. Next, an idea
1:36:23
struck me that perhaps I was not the son of my father and mother at
1:36:26
all, nor will Loda's brother, but only some unfortunate orphan who had been
1:36:30
adopted by them out of compassion. And this absurd notion not only afforded me
1:36:35
a certain melancholy consolation, but seemed to me quite probable. I found it
1:36:42
comforting to think that I was unhappy, not through my own fault, but
1:36:45
because I was fated to be so from my birth, and conceived that my
1:36:49
destiny was very much like poor Karl ivanitches Why conceal the secret any longer?
1:36:57
Now that I have discovered it, I reflected to my Darrow. I will
1:37:00
go to Papa and say to him it is in vain for you to try
1:37:03
and conceal from me the mystery of my birth. I know it already,
1:37:09
and he will answer me. What else could I do, My good fellow,
1:37:12
Sooner or later you would have had to know that you are not my
1:37:14
son, but were adopted as such. Nevertheless, so long as you remain
1:37:18
worthy of my love, I will never cast you out. Then I shall
1:37:23
say, Papa, though I have no right to call you by that name,
1:37:27
and am now doing so for the last time, I have always loved
1:37:30
you, and shall always retain that love. At the same time, while
1:37:33
I can never forget that you have been my benefactor, I cannot remain longer
1:37:38
in your house. Nobody here loves me, and Saint Jerome has wrought my
1:37:43
ruin. Either he or I must go forth, since I cannot answer for
1:37:46
myself. I hate the man so that I could do anything, I could
1:37:50
even kill him. Papa will begin to entreat me, but I shall make
1:37:56
a gesture and say no, No, my friend and benefactor, we cannot
1:38:00
together let me go, And for the last time, I shall embrace him
1:38:03
and say in French, O mompeerre o mont ben fetiur don nois pour la
1:38:11
derniere foi tabenedixion eh calav volonte de dieux si fete. I sobbed bitterly at
1:38:20
these thoughts as I sat on a trunk in that dark storeroom. Then,
1:38:24
suddenly, recollecting the shameful punishment which was awaiting me, I would find myself
1:38:29
back again in actuality, and the dreams had fled soon again, I began
1:38:33
to fancy myself far away from the house and alone in the world. I
1:38:38
enter a Hussar regiment and go to war. Surrounded by the foe on every
1:38:43
side. I waved my sword and kill one of them, and wound another,
1:38:45
then a third, then a fourth. At last, exhausted with loss
1:38:49
of blood and fatigue, I fall to the ground and cry victory. The
1:38:55
general comes to look for me, asking where is our savior, where I
1:39:00
am pointed out to him. He embraces me, and in his turn,
1:39:02
exclaimed with tears of joy victory. I recover, and, with my arm
1:39:09
in a black sling, go to walk on the boulevards. I am a
1:39:12
general. Now I meet the Emperor, who asks who is this young man
1:39:16
who has been wounded. He is told that it is the famous hero Nicholas,
1:39:20
whereupon he approaches me and says, my thanks to you. Whatsoever you
1:39:26
may ask for, I will grant it to this. I bow respectfully,
1:39:30
and leaning on my sword, reply, I am happy, most August Emperor,
1:39:34
that I have been able to shed my blood for my country. I
1:39:38
would gladly have died for it. Yet, since you are so generous as
1:39:42
to grant any wish of mine. I venture to ask of you permission to
1:39:45
annihilate my enemy, the foreigner, Saint Jerome. And then I step fiercely
1:39:50
before Saint Jerome and say you were the cause of all my fortunes. Down
1:39:56
now on your knees. Unfortunately, this recalled to me my mind the fact
1:40:00
that at any moment the real Saint Jerome might be entering with the cane,
1:40:04
so that once more I saw myself not a general in the savior of my
1:40:09
country, but an unhappy, pitiful creature. Then the idea of God occurred
1:40:14
to me, and I asked him boldly why he had punished me, thus,
1:40:17
seeing that I had never forgotten to say my prayers, either morning or
1:40:21
evening. Indeed, I can positively declare that it was during that hour in
1:40:27
the store room that I took the first step towards the religious doubt which afterwards
1:40:30
assailed me during my youth. Not that mere misfortune could arouse me to infidelity
1:40:36
and murmuring, but that at moments of utter contrition and solitude, the idea
1:40:42
of the injustice of providence took root in me as readily as bad seed takes
1:40:46
root in land well soaked with rain. Also, I imagined that I was
1:40:51
going to die there and then, and drew vivid pictures of Saint Jerome's astonishment
1:40:57
when he entered the storeroom and found a corpse instead of myself. Likewise,
1:41:02
recollecting what Natalia Savishna had told me of the forty days during which the souls
1:41:09
of the departed must hover around their earthly home, I imagined myself flying through
1:41:14
the rooms of Grandmamma's house and seeing Lubotchka's bitter tears, and hearing Grandmamma's lamentations,
1:41:20
and listening to Papa and Saint Jerome talking together. He was a fine
1:41:27
boy, Papa would say, with tears in his eyes. Yes, Saint
1:41:30
Jerome would reply, but a sad scapegrace and good for nothing. But you
1:41:35
should respect the dead, would expostulate, Papa. You were the cause of
1:41:41
his death. You frightened him until he could no longer bear the thought of
1:41:45
humiliation which you were about to inflict upon him. Away from me. Criminal
1:41:50
upon that Saint Jerome would fall upon his knees and implore forgiveness. And when
1:41:55
the forty days were ended, my soul would fly to heaven and see there
1:41:59
something wonderfully beautiful, white and transparent, and know that it was mamma,
1:42:04
and that something would embrace me and caress me. Yet all at once I
1:42:09
should feel troubled and not know her. If it be you, I should
1:42:13
say to her, show yourself more distinctly, so that it may embrace you
1:42:15
in return. And her voice would answer me, do you not feel happy
1:42:20
thus? And I should reply, yes, I do, but you cannot
1:42:25
really caress me, and I cannot really kiss your hand like this. But
1:42:30
it is not necessary, She would say, there can be happiness here without
1:42:33
that, and I should feel that it was so, and we should ascend
1:42:39
together ever higher and higher, until suddenly I feel as though I am being
1:42:43
thrown down again, and find myself sitting on the trunk in the dark storeroom,
1:42:47
my cheeks wet with tears and my thoughts in a mist, yet still
1:42:51
repeating the words, let us ascend together, higher and higher. Indeed,
1:42:57
it was a long, long while before I could remember where I was,
1:43:00
for at that moment my mind's eyes saw only a dark, dreadful, illimitable
1:43:04
void. I tried to renew the happy, consoling dream which had been thus
1:43:10
interrupted by the return to reality, but to my surprise, I found that
1:43:15
as soon as ever I attempted to re enter former dreams, their continuation became
1:43:19
impossible. While which astonished me even more, they no longer gave me pleasure.
1:43:27
Chapter sixteen, Keep on Grinding and You'll have Flower. I passed the
1:43:32
night in the store room, and nothing further happened, except that on the
1:43:35
following morning, a Sunday, I was removed to a small chamber adjoining the
1:43:40
schoolroom, and once more shut up. I began to hope that my punishment
1:43:45
was going to be limited to confinement, and found my thoughts growing calmer under
1:43:49
the influence of a sound soft sleep, the clear sunlight playing upon the frost
1:43:55
crystals of the window panes, and the familiar noises in the street. Nevertheless,
1:44:00
solitude gradually became intolerable. I wanted to move about and to communicate to
1:44:05
some one all that was lying upon my heart, but not a living creature
1:44:11
was near me. The position was the more unpleasant because Willy Nilly I could
1:44:15
hear Saint Jerome walking about in his room and softly whistling some hackneyed tune.
1:44:21
Somehow I felt convinced that he was whistling, not because he wanted to,
1:44:26
but because he knew it annoyed me. At two o'clock, he and Wiloda
1:44:30
departed down stairs, and Niccola brought me up some luncheon. When I told
1:44:34
him what I had done and what was awaiting me, he said, pshaw,
1:44:40
sir, don't be alarmed. Keep on grinding and you'll have flower.
1:44:45
Although this expression, which also in later days has more than once helped me
1:44:48
to preserve my firmness of mind, brought me a little comfort, the fact
1:44:54
that I received not bread and water only, but a whole luncheon and even
1:44:58
dessert, gave me much to think about. If they had sent me no
1:45:01
dessert, it would have meant that my punishment was to be limited to confinement,
1:45:06
whereas it was now evident that I was looked upon as not yet punished,
1:45:11
that I was only being kept away from the others, as an evil
1:45:14
doer until the due time of punishment. While I was still debating the question,
1:45:18
the key of my prison turned and Saint Jerome entered with a severe official
1:45:24
air. Come down and see your grandmamma, he said, without looking at
1:45:29
me. I should have liked first to have brushed my jacket, since it
1:45:32
was covered with dust, but Saint Jerome said that was quite unnecessary, since
1:45:36
I was in such a deplorable moral condition that my exterior was not worth considering.
1:45:42
As he led me through the salon, Katenka, Lubatchka and Woloda looked
1:45:45
at me with much the same expression as we were wont to look at the
1:45:49
convicts who on a certain days file passed my grandmother's house. Likewise, when
1:45:55
I approached Grandmamma's arm chair to kiss her hand, she withdrew it and thrust
1:46:00
it under her mantilla. Well, my dear, she began, after a
1:46:03
long pause, during which she regarded me from head to foot with the kind
1:46:08
of expression which makes one uncertain where to look or what to do. I
1:46:12
must say that you seem to value my love very highly and afford me great
1:46:16
consolation. Then she went on, with an emphasis on each word. Monsieur
1:46:23
Saint Jerome, who at my request undertook your education, says that he can
1:46:27
no longer remain in the house, and why simply because of you. Another
1:46:32
pause ensued. Presently she continued in a tone which clearly showed that her speech
1:46:38
had been prepared beforehand. I had hoped that you would be grateful for all
1:46:43
his care and for all the trouble that he has taken with you, that
1:46:45
you would have appreciated his services. But you, you baby, you silly
1:46:50
boy, you actually dare to raise your hand against him. Very well,
1:46:56
very good. I am beginning to think that you cannot understand kind trees,
1:47:00
but require to be treated in a very different and humiliating fashion. Go now
1:47:04
directly and beg his pardon, she added in a stern and peremptory tone,
1:47:10
as she pointed to Saint Jerome. Do you hear me? I followed the
1:47:14
direction of her finger with my eye, but on that member, alighting upon
1:47:17
Saint Jerome's coat, I turned my head away and felt once more my heart
1:47:21
beating violently as I remained where I was. What did you not hear me
1:47:28
when I told you what to do? I was trembling all over, but
1:47:30
I would not stir Ko, Ko, went on my grandmother, probably divining
1:47:35
my inward sufferings. Koko, she repeated, in a voice tender rather than
1:47:39
harsh. Is this you, grandmamma? I cannot beg his pardon for?
1:47:45
And I stopped suddenly, for I felt the next word refused to come for
1:47:49
the tears that were choking me. But I ordered you, I begged of
1:47:54
you to do so. What is the matter with you? I? I,
1:47:58
I will not, I cannot. I gasped, and the tears,
1:48:01
long pent up and accumulated in my breast burst forth like a stream which breaks
1:48:06
its dikes and goes flowing madly over the country. Seteen sie caevu, O
1:48:13
bey say a voter seconde mer seten sie cavu raconesse se bonce, remarked Saint
1:48:20
Jerome quietly, a genoux. Good God. If she had seen this,
1:48:28
exclaimed Grandmamma, turning from me and wiping away her tears. If she had
1:48:31
seen this, it may be all for the best. Yet she could never
1:48:35
have survived such grief never and Grandmamma wept more and more. I too wept,
1:48:43
but it never occurred to me to ask for pardon. Tranquillis se vu
1:48:47
ah nome deuciel madame la comtesse, said Saint Jerome. But Grandmamma heard him
1:48:54
not. She covered her face with her hands, and her sobs soon passed
1:48:58
to hiccups and hysteria. Mimi and Gasha came running in with frightened faces,
1:49:03
sults and spirits were applied, and the whole house was soon in a ferment.
1:49:09
You may feel pleased at your work, says Saint Jerome to me as
1:49:12
he led me from the room. Good God, what have I done?
1:49:15
I thought to myself, What a terribly bad boy I am. As soon
1:49:21
as Saint Jerome, bidding me to go into his room, had returned to
1:49:25
Grandmamma, I all unconscious of what I was doing, ran down the grand
1:49:30
staircase leading to the front door. Whether I intended to drown myself or whether
1:49:33
merely to run away from home, I do not remember. I only know
1:49:38
that I went blindly, on my face covered with my hands that I might
1:49:42
see nothing. Where are you going to, asked a well known voice.
1:49:45
I want you, my boy. I would have passed on, but Papa
1:49:49
caught hold of me and said sternly, come hear you, impudent rascal.
1:49:54
How could you dare to do such a thing as to touch the portfolio in
1:49:57
my study? He went on as he dragged me in to his room.
1:50:00
Oh you are silent, eh, and he pulled my ear. Yes,
1:50:03
I was naughty, I said, I don't know myself what came over me?
1:50:08
Then? So you don't know what came over you. You don't know,
1:50:12
you don't know, he repeated, as he pulled my ear harder and
1:50:15
harder. Will you go and put your nose where you ought not to?
1:50:18
Again? Will you? Will you? Although my ear was in great pain,
1:50:23
I did not cry, but on the contrary, felt a sort of
1:50:27
morally pleasing sensation. No sooner did he let go of my ear than I
1:50:30
seized his hand and covered it with tears and kisses. Please whip me,
1:50:34
I cried, sobbing. Please hurt me the more and more, for I
1:50:39
am a wretched, bad, miserable boy. Why what on earth is the
1:50:43
matter with you? He said, giving me a slight push from him.
1:50:45
No, I will not go away, I continued, seizing his coat.
1:50:49
Everyone else hates me. I know that. But do you listen to me
1:50:53
and protect me, or else send me away? Altogether? I cannot live
1:50:58
with him. He tries to you humiliate me. He tells me to kneel
1:51:01
before him and wants to strike me. I can't stand it. I'm not
1:51:05
a baby. I can't stand it. I shall die. I shall kill
1:51:09
myself. He told Grandmamma that I was naughty, and now she is ill.
1:51:14
She will die through me. It is all his fault. Please let
1:51:16
me. Why should he torment me? The tears choked my further speech.
1:51:24
I sat down on the sofa, and, with my head buried on Papa's
1:51:27
knees, sobbed until I thought I should die of grief. Come, Come,
1:51:30
Why are you such a water pump? Said Papa compassionately, as he
1:51:34
stooped over me. He is such a bully. He is murdering me.
1:51:40
I shall die. Nobody loves me at all. I gasped, almost inaudibly,
1:51:44
and went into convulsions. Papa lifted me up and carried me to my
1:51:47
bedroom, where I fell asleep. When I awoke, it was late.
1:51:53
Only a solitary candle burned in the room, while beside the bed there were
1:51:57
seated Mimi, Lubotshka, and our door. In their faces I could discern
1:52:01
anxiety for my health. So although I felt so well after my twelve hours
1:52:05
sleep that I could have got up directly, I thought it best to let
1:52:09
them continue, thinking that I was unwell. End of Section four, Chapter
1:52:16
seventeen. Hatred. Yes, it was the real feeling of hatred that was
1:52:23
mine now, not the hatred of which one reads in novels, and in
1:52:27
the existence of which I do not believe the hatred which finds satisfaction in doing
1:52:31
harm to a fellow creature, but the hatred which consists of an unconquerable aversion
1:52:38
to a person who may be wholly deserving of your esteem, yet whose very
1:52:43
hair, neck, walk, voice, limbs, movements, and everything else
1:52:46
are disgusting to you, while all the while, and incomprehensible force attracts you
1:52:51
towards him and compels you to follow his slightest acts with anxious attention. This
1:52:59
was the feeling which I cherished for Saint Jerome, who had lived with us
1:53:02
now for a year and a half. Judging coolly of the man at this
1:53:08
time of day, I find that he was a true Frenchman, but a
1:53:11
Frenchman in the better acceptation of the term. He was fairly well educated and
1:53:15
fulfilled his duties to us conscientiously. But he had the peculiar features of fickle
1:53:21
egotism, boastfulness, impertinence, and ignorant self assurance, which are common to
1:53:28
all his countrymen, as well as entirely opposed to the Russian character. All
1:53:33
this set me against him. Grandmamma had signified to him her dislike for corporal
1:53:39
punishment, and therefore he dared not beat us. But he frequently threatened us,
1:53:45
particularly myself, with the cane, and would utter the word fuetee as
1:53:49
though it were fuate, in an expressive and detestable way, which always gave
1:53:55
me the idea that to whip me would afford him the greatest possible satisfaction.
1:54:01
I was not in the least afraid of the bodily pain, for I had
1:54:04
never experienced it. It was the mere idea that he could beat me that
1:54:09
threw me into such paroxysms of wrath and despair. True Karl Avanitch, sometimes
1:54:15
in moments of exasperation, had recourse to a ruler or to his braces,
1:54:20
But that I can look back upon without anger. Even if he had struck
1:54:25
me at the time of which I am now speaking, namely, when I
1:54:28
was fourteen years old, I should have submitted quietly to the correction, for
1:54:31
I loved him, and had known him all my life, and looked upon
1:54:34
him as a member of our family. But Saint Jerome was a conceited,
1:54:40
opinionated fellow for whom I felt merely the unwilling respect which I entertained for all
1:54:45
persons older than myself. Karl Ivanitch was a comical old uncle whom I loved
1:54:49
with my whole heart, but who, according to my childish conception of social
1:54:55
distinctions, ranked below us, whereas Saint Jerome was a well educated, hands
1:55:00
some young dandy who was for showing himself the equal of any one. Karl
1:55:04
Ivanitch had always scolded and punished us coolly, as though he thought it unnecessary
1:55:10
but extremely disagreeable duty. Saint Jerome, on the contrary, always liked to
1:55:15
emphasize his part as judge when correcting us, and clearly did it as much
1:55:19
for his own satisfaction as for our good. He loved authority. Nevertheless,
1:55:26
I always found his grandiloquent French phrases, which he pronounced with a strong emphasis
1:55:30
on all the final syllables inexpressibly disgusting. Whereas Karl, when angry, had
1:55:35
never said anything beyond what a foolish puppet comedy it is, or you boys
1:55:43
are as irritating as Spanish fly, which he always called Spaniard fly. Saint
1:55:48
Jerome, however, had names for us like mouve, Suget, villain Ganement,
1:55:56
and so forth. Epithets, which greatly offended my life self respect.
1:56:00
When Karl Ivanitch ordered us to kneel in the corner with our faces to the
1:56:04
wall, the punishment consisted merely in the bodily discomfort of the position, whereas
1:56:11
Saint Jerome in such cases always assumed a haughty air, made a grandiose gesture
1:56:15
with his hand and exclaiming in a pseudo tragic tone a genoux mauva suge ordered
1:56:21
us to kneel with our faces towards him and to crave his pardon. His
1:56:27
punishment consisted in humiliation. However, on the present occasion, the punishment never
1:56:33
came, nor was the matter ever referred to again. Yet I could not
1:56:38
forget all that I had gone through, the shame, the fear, and
1:56:42
the hatred of those two days. From that time forth, Saint Jerome appeared
1:56:46
to give me up in despair and took no further trouble with me. Yet
1:56:50
I could not bring myself to treat him with indifference. Every time that our
1:56:55
eyes met, I felt that my look expressed only too plainly my dislike,
1:57:00
And though I tried hard to assume a careless air, he seemed to divine
1:57:03
my hypocrisy, until I was forced to blush and turn away. In short,
1:57:09
it was a terrible trial to me to have anything to do with him.
1:57:15
Chapter eighteen, The maid Servant's Room. I began to feel more and
1:57:19
more lonely, until my chief solace lay in solitary reflection and observation of the
1:57:27
favorite subject of my reflections I shall speak in the next chapter. The scene
1:57:30
where I indulged in them was, for preference, the maid servant's room,
1:57:34
where a plot suitable for a novel was in progress, a plot which touched
1:57:39
and engrossed me to the highest degree. The heroine of the romance was,
1:57:44
of course Masha. She was in love with Basil, who had known her
1:57:47
before she had become a servant in our house, and who had promised to
1:57:51
marry her some day. Unfortunately, fate, which had separated them five years
1:57:57
ago and afterwards reunited them Grandmamma's abode, next proceeded to interpose an obstacle between
1:58:03
them in the shape of Masha's uncle, our man Nikola, who would not
1:58:08
hear of his niece marrying that uneducated and unbearable fellow, as he called Basil.
1:58:15
One effect of the obstacle had been to make the otherwise slightly cool and
1:58:17
indifferent Basil fall as passionately in love with Masha as it is possible for a
1:58:24
man to be who is only a servant and a tailor, wears a red
1:58:28
shirt and has his hair palmaded. Although his methods of expressing his affection were
1:58:32
odd. For instance, whenever he met Masha, he always endeavored to inflict
1:58:36
upon her some bodily pain, either by pinching her, giving her a slap
1:58:42
with his open hand, or squeezing her so hard that she could scarcely breathe.
1:58:46
That affection was sincere enough, and he proved it by the fact that,
1:58:50
from the moment when Nicolov refused him his niece's hand, his grief led
1:58:55
him to drinking and to frequenting taverns, until he proved so un truly that
1:59:00
more than once he had to be sent to undergo a humiliating chastisement at the
1:59:03
police station. Nevertheless, these faults of his and their consequences only served to
1:59:10
elevate him in Masha's eyes and to increase her love for him. Whenever he
1:59:14
was in the hands of the police, she would sit crying the whole day
1:59:17
and complain to Gasha of her hard fate. Gasha played an active part in
1:59:21
the affairs of these unfortunate lovers. Then, regardless of her uncle's anger and
1:59:27
blows, she would stealthily make her way to the police station there to visit
1:59:31
and console her swain. Excuse me, reader, for introducing you to such
1:59:36
company. Nevertheless, if the cords of love and compassion have not wholly snapped
1:59:42
your soul, you will find, even in that maid servant's room, something
1:59:45
which may cause them to vibrate again. So, whether you please to follow
1:59:50
me or not, I will return to the alcove on the staircase. Whence
1:59:55
I was able to observe all that passed in that room. From my post
1:59:59
I could see the a stove, couch with a ponnet, an iron,
2:00:02
an old cap stand with its peg bent crooked, a wash tub, and
2:00:06
a basin. There too was the window, with in fine disorder before it
2:00:12
a piece of black wax, some fragments of silk, a half eaten cucumber,
2:00:15
a box of sweets, and so on. There too was the large
2:00:19
table at which she used to sit in, the pink cotton dress which I
2:00:24
admired so much, and the blue handkerchief, which always caught my attention.
2:00:28
So she would be sewing, though interrupting her work at intervals to scratch her
2:00:32
head a little, to bite the end of her thread, or to snuff
2:00:35
the candle, and I would think to myself, why was she not born
2:00:40
a lady? She, with her blue eyes, beautiful fair hair, and
2:00:43
magnificent bust. How splendid she would look if she were sitting in a drawing
2:00:46
room and dressed in a cap with pink ribbons and a silk gown, not
2:00:50
one like Mimi's, but one like the gown which I saw the other day
2:00:55
at the Trevsky Boulevard. Yes, she would work at the embroidery frame,
2:01:00
and I would sit and look at her in the mirror, and be ready
2:01:02
to do whatsoever she wanted, to help her arm with her mantle, or
2:01:06
to hand her food. As for Basil's drunken face and horrid figure in the
2:01:12
scanty coat with the red shirt showing beneath it, well in his every gesture,
2:01:16
in his every movement of his back, I seemed always to see signs
2:01:20
of the humiliating chastisements which he had undergone. Ah Basil again cried Masha on
2:01:28
one occasion, as she stuck her needle into the pincushion, but without looking
2:01:31
up at the person who was entering. What is the good of a man
2:01:36
like him? Was Basil's first remark. Yes, if only he would say
2:01:42
something decisive. But I am powerless in the matter. I am at odds
2:01:45
and ends, and through his fault too. Will you have some tea?
2:01:49
Put in Madesha another servant, No, thank you. But why does he
2:01:55
hate me so, that old thief of an uncle of yours? Why is
2:01:59
it because of the clothes I wear, or of my height, or of
2:02:02
my walk? Or what will damn and confound him? Finished Basil, snapping
2:02:06
his fingers. We must be patient, said Masha, threading her needle.
2:02:12
You are so. It is my nerves that won't stand it, that's all.
2:02:16
At this moment, the door of Grandmamma's room banged, and Gasha's angry
2:02:21
voice could be heard as she came up the stairs. There, she muttered,
2:02:27
with a gesture of her hands, try to please people when even they
2:02:30
themselves do not know what they want. And it is a cursed life.
2:02:33
Sheer, hard labor and nothing else. If only a certain thing would happen,
2:02:38
Though God, forgive me for thinking it good evening, Agatha Mikhaylovna,
2:02:44
said Basil, rising to greet her. You here, she answered, brusquely
2:02:47
as she stared at him, that is not very much to your credit.
2:02:50
What do you come here for? Is the maid's room a proper place for
2:02:55
men? I wanted to see how you were, said Basil soothingly. I
2:03:00
shall soon be breathing my lass. That's how I am, cried Gusha,
2:03:02
still greatly incensed, Basil laughed, Oh, there's nothing to laugh at when
2:03:08
I say that I shall soon be dead. But that's how it will be
2:03:12
all the same. Just look at the drunkard marry her? Would he the
2:03:15
fool? Come get out of here? And with a stamp of her foot
2:03:18
on the floor, Gusha it retreated to her own room and banged the door
2:03:23
behind her until the window rattled again. For a while she could be heard
2:03:27
scolding at everything, flinging dresses and other things about, and pulling the ears
2:03:31
of her favorite cat. Then the door opened again, and Puss, mewing
2:03:36
pitifully, was flung forth by the tail. I had better come another time
2:03:44
for tea, said Basil in a whisper. At some better time, for
2:03:47
our meeting. No, no, put in Medesha. I'll go and fetch
2:03:54
the urn at once. I mean to put an end to things, soon
2:03:58
went on Basil, seating himself beside Masha. As soon as ever Madesha had
2:04:01
left the room, I had much better go straight to the countess and say
2:04:05
so and so, or I will throw up my situation and go off into
2:04:09
the world. Oh dear, Oh dear, and am I to remain here?
2:04:15
Ah, there's the difficulty. That's what I feel so badly about.
2:04:19
You have been my sweetheart so long, you see. Ah, dear me,
2:04:25
why don't you bring me your shirts to wash? Basil asked Masha,
2:04:28
after a pause during which she had been inspecting his wristbands. At this moment,
2:04:32
Grandmamma's bell rang and Gasha issued from her room. Again. What do
2:04:38
you want with her, you impudent fellow, she cried, as she pushed
2:04:41
Basil, who had risen at her entrance before her, towards the door.
2:04:45
First you lead a girl on, and then you want to lead her further
2:04:47
still, I suppose it amuses you to see her tears. There's the door,
2:04:51
Now off you go. We want your room, not your company.
2:04:55
And what good can you see in him? She went on, turning to
2:04:58
Masha. Has not you your uncle been walking into you to day already?
2:05:01
No, she must stick to her promise forsooth. I will have no one
2:05:05
but Basil, fool that you are. Yes, I will have no one
2:05:11
but him. I'll never love any one else. I could kill myself for
2:05:14
him. Poor Masha burst out, the tears, suddenly gushing forth. For
2:05:19
a while I stood watching her as she wiped away those tears. Then I
2:05:25
fell to contemplating Basil attentively, in the hope of finding out what there was
2:05:29
in him that she found so attractive. Yet, though I sympathized with her
2:05:32
sincerely in her grief, I could not, for the life of me understand
2:05:36
how such a charming creature, as I considered her to be, could love
2:05:41
a man like him. When I become a man, I thought to myself
2:05:45
as I returned to my room, Petrovsky shall be mine, and Basil and
2:05:49
Masha my servants. Some day, when I am sitting in my study and
2:05:53
smoking a pipe, Masha will chance to pass the door in her way to
2:05:57
the kitchen with an iron, and I shall say, Masha, come here,
2:06:00
and she will enter and there will be no one else in the room.
2:06:04
Then suddenly Basil too will enter, and on seeing her, will cry,
2:06:09
my sweetheart is lost to me, and Masha will begin to weep.
2:06:13
Then I shall say, Basil, I know that you love her and that
2:06:16
she loves you. Here are a thousand roubles for you. Marry her,
2:06:20
and may God grant you both happiness. Then I shall leave them together.
2:06:27
Among the countless thoughts and fancies which pass without logic or sequence through the mind
2:06:31
and the imagination, there are always some which leave behind them a mark so
2:06:35
profound that, without remembering their exact subject, we can at least recall that
2:06:41
something good has passed through our brain and try to retain and reproduce its effect.
2:06:45
Such was the mark left upon my consciousness by the idea of sacrificing my
2:06:50
feelings to Masha's happiness, seeing that she believed that she could attain it only
2:06:56
through a union with Basil. Chapter nine, Boyhood. Perhaps people will scarcely
2:07:03
believe me when I tell them what were the dearest, most constant objects of
2:07:09
my reflections during my boyhood? So little did those objects consort with my age
2:07:13
and position. Yet, in my opinion, contrast between a man's actual position
2:07:18
and his moral activity constitutes the most reliable sign of his genuineness. During the
2:07:25
period when I was leading a solitary and self centered moral life, I was
2:07:29
much taken up with abstract thoughts on man's destiny, on a future life,
2:07:33
and on the immortality of the soul, and with all the ardor of inexperience,
2:07:39
strove to make my youthful intellect solve those questions, the questions which constitute
2:07:44
the highest level of thought to which the human intellect can tend, but a
2:07:48
final decision of which the human intellect can never succeed in attaining. I believe
2:07:54
the intellect to take the same course of development in the individual as in the
2:07:58
mass. As also that the thoughts which serve as a basis for philosophical theories
2:08:03
are an inseparable part of that intellect, and that every man must be more
2:08:07
or less conscious of those thoughts before he can know anything of the existence of
2:08:11
philosophical theories. To my own mind, those thoughts presented themselves with such clarity
2:08:18
and force that I tried to apply them to life in the fond belief that
2:08:22
I was the first to have discovered such splendid and invaluable truths. Sometimes I
2:08:28
would suppose that happiness depends not upon external causes themselves, but only upon our
2:08:35
relation to them, and that provided a man can accustom himself to bearing suffering,
2:08:39
he need never be unhappy. To prove the latter hypothesis, I would,
2:08:43
despite the horrible pain, hold out a tatus chef's dictionary at arm's length
2:08:50
for five minutes at a time, or else go into the store room and
2:08:52
scourge my back with chords until the tears involuntarily came to my eyes. On
2:09:00
other time. Suddenly bethinking me that death might find me at any hour or
2:09:03
any minute, I came to the conclusion that man could only be happy by
2:09:07
using the present to the full and taking no thought for the future. Indeed,
2:09:11
I wondered how people had never found that out. Before acting under the
2:09:16
influence of the new idea, I laid my lesson books aside for two or
2:09:18
three days, and, reposing on my bed, gave myself up to novel
2:09:22
reading and the eating of gingerbread and honey, which I had bought with my
2:09:26
last remaining coins. Again, standing one day before the blackboard and smearing figures
2:09:33
on it with honey, I was struck with the thought, why is symmetry
2:09:37
so agreeable to the eye? What is symmetry? Of course, it is
2:09:43
an innate sense, I continued, Yet what is its basis? Perhaps everything
2:09:46
in life is symmetry. But no, on the contrary, this is life.
2:09:52
And I drew an oblong figure on the board, and after life the
2:09:56
soul passes to eternity. Here I drew a lot line from one end of
2:10:01
the oblong figure to the edge of the board. Why should there not be
2:10:03
a corresponding line on the other side. If there can be an eternity on
2:10:07
one side, there must surely be a corresponding one on the other. That
2:10:13
means that we have existed in a previous life, but have lost the recollection
2:10:16
of it. This conclusion, which seemed to me at the time both clear
2:10:20
and novel. But the arguments for which it would be difficult for me at
2:10:24
this distance of time to piece together, pleased me extremely. So I took
2:10:30
a piece of paper and tried to write it down. But at the first
2:10:33
attempt such a rush of other thoughts came whirling through my brain that I was
2:10:37
obliged to jump up and pace the room at the window. My attention was
2:10:43
arrested by a driver harnessing a horse to a water cart, and at once
2:10:46
my mind concentrated itself upon the decision of the question into what animal or human
2:10:52
being will the spirit of that horse pass at death. Just at that moment,
2:10:56
Wallada passed through the room and smile to see me absorbed in speculative thoughts.
2:11:03
His smile at once made me feel that all that I had been thinking
2:11:05
about was utter nonsense. I have related all this as I recollect it,
2:11:11
in order to show the reader the nature of my cogitations. No philosophical theory
2:11:16
attracted me so much as skepticism, which at one period brought me to a
2:11:20
state of mind verging upon insanity. I took the fancy into my head that
2:11:24
no one nor anything really existed in the world except myself, that objects were
2:11:31
not objects at all, but that images of them became manifest only so soon
2:11:35
as I turned my attention upon them, and vanished again directly that I ceased
2:11:39
to think about them. In short, this idea of mine that real objects
2:11:43
do not exist, but only one's conception of them, brought me to Schelling's
2:11:48
well known theory. There were moments when the influence of this idea led me
2:11:52
to such vagaries, as, for instance, turning sharply round in the hope
2:11:58
that, by the suddenness of the movement, I should come in contact with
2:12:01
the void which I believed to be existing where I myself purported to be.
2:12:07
What a pitiful spring of moral activity is the human intellect? My faulty reason
2:12:11
could not define the impenetrable. Consequently, it shattered one fruitless conviction after another,
2:12:18
convictions which, happily for my after life I never lacked the courage to
2:12:22
abandon as soon as they proved inadequate. From all this weary mental struggle I
2:12:28
derived only a certain pliancy of mind, a weakening of the will, a
2:12:33
habit of perpetual moral analysis, and a diminution both of freshness of sentiment and
2:12:39
of clearness of thought. Usually, abstract thinking develops man's capacity for apprehending the
2:12:45
bent of his mind at certain moments and laying it to heart. But my
2:12:48
inclination for abstract thought developed my consciousness in such a way that often, when
2:12:54
I began to consider even the simplest matter, I would lose myself in a
2:12:58
labyrinthine and analysis of my own thoughts concerning the matter. In question. That
2:13:03
is to say, I no longer thought of the matter itself, but only
2:13:07
of what I was thinking about it. If I had then asked myself of
2:13:11
what am I thinking, the true answer would have been, I am thinking
2:13:13
of what I am thinking. And if I had further asked myself, what
2:13:18
then are the thoughts of which I am thinking, I should have had to
2:13:22
reply they are attempts to think of what I am thinking concerning my own thoughts.
2:13:26
And so on. Reason with me had to yield to excess of reason.
2:13:33
Every philosophical discovery which I made so flattered my conceit that I often imagined
2:13:37
to myself to be a great man, discovering new truths for the benefit of
2:13:41
humanity. Consequently, I looked down with proud dignity upon my fellow mortals.
2:13:48
Yet, strange to state, no sooner did I come in contact with those
2:13:50
fellow mortals than I became filled with the stupid shyness of them. And the
2:13:54
higher I happened to be standing in my own opinion, the less did I
2:13:58
feel capable of making king others perceive my consciousness of my own dignity. Since
2:14:03
I could not rid myself of a sense of diffidence concerning even the simplest of
2:14:07
my words and acts, Chapter twenty Walloda. The further I advance in the
2:14:16
recital of this period of my life, the more difficult and onerous does the
2:14:18
task become. Too. Rarely do I find among the reminiscences of that time
2:14:24
any moments full of the ardent feeling of sincerity which so often and so cheeringly
2:14:28
illumined my childhood. Gladly would I pass in haste over my lonely boyhood,
2:14:35
the sooner to arrive at the happy time when once again a tender, sincere
2:14:39
and noble friendship marked with a gleam of light at once the termination of that
2:14:43
period and the beginning of a phase of my youth which was full of the
2:14:46
charm of poetry. Therefore, I will not pursue my recollections from hour to
2:14:52
hour, but only throw a cursory glance at the most prominent of them,
2:14:56
from the time to which I have now carried my tale, to the moment
2:14:58
of my first contact with the exceptional personality that was fated to exercise such a
2:15:03
decisive influence upon my character and ideas. Woloda was about to enter the university.
2:15:11
Tutors came to give him lessons independently of myself, and I listened with
2:15:16
envy and involuntary respect as he drew boldly on the blackboard with white chalk,
2:15:22
and talked about functions, signs, and so forth, all of which seemed
2:15:26
to me terms pertaining to unattainable wisdom. At length, one Sunday, before
2:15:31
luncheon, all the tutors, and among them two professors, assembled in Grandmamma's
2:15:37
room, and, in the presence of Papa and some friends, put Woloda
2:15:41
through a rehearsal of his university examination, in which, to Grandmamma's delight,
2:15:46
he gave evidence of no ordinary amount of knowledge. Questions on different subjects were
2:15:52
also put to me, but on all of them I showed complete ignorance,
2:15:54
while the fact that the professors manifestly endeavored to conceal that ignorance from Grandmamma only
2:16:01
confused me the more. Yet, after all, I was only fifteen,
2:16:05
and so had a year before me in which to prepare for the examinations.
2:16:09
Woloda now came downstairs for luncheon only and spent whole days and evenings over his
2:16:15
studies in his own room, to which he kept not from necessity, but
2:16:18
because he preferred its seclusion. He was very ambitious and meant to pass the
2:16:24
examinations not by halves, but with flying colors. The first day arrived,
2:16:30
Woloda was wearing a new blue frock coat with brass buttons, a gold watch,
2:16:33
and shiny boots. At the door stood Papa's phaeton, which Nicola duly
2:16:39
opened, and presently when Wiloda and Saint Jerome set out for the university,
2:16:43
the girls, particularly Katenka, would be seen gazing with beaming faces from the
2:16:48
window at Wiloda's pleasing figure as it sat in the carriage. Papa said several
2:16:54
times God go with him, and Grandmamma, who also had dragged herself to
2:16:58
the window, continued to make the sign of the cross as long as the
2:17:01
phaeton was visible, as well as to murmur something to herself. When Wiloda
2:17:07
returned, everyone eagerly crowded round him. How many marks were they? Good
2:17:13
ones? Yes, But his happy face was an answer in itself. He
2:17:16
had received five marks, the maximum. The next day he sped on his
2:17:22
way with the same good wishes and the same anxiety for his success, and
2:17:26
was welcomed home with the same eagerness and joy. This lasted for nine days.
2:17:31
On the tenth day there was to be the last and most difficult examination
2:17:35
of all, the one in divinity. We all stood at the window and
2:17:39
watched for him with greater impatience than ever Two o'clock. And yet no,
2:17:45
Woloda, Here they come, Papa, here they come, suddenly, screamed
2:17:48
Lubatchka as she peered through the window. Sure enough, the phaeton was driving
2:17:54
up with Saint Jerome and Wiloda, the latter no longer in his gray cap
2:17:56
and blue frackcoat, but in the uniform of a student of the university,
2:18:01
with its embroidered blue collar, three cornered hat, and gilded sword. Ah
2:18:07
if only she had been alive, now, exclaimed Grandmamma, on seeing Wiloda
2:18:11
in this dress, and swooned away. Wiloda enters the ante room with a
2:18:16
beaming face and embraces myself, Lubotshka, Mimi and Katenka, the latter blushing
2:18:22
to her ears. He hardly knows himself for joy, And how smart he
2:18:26
looks in that uniform, how well the blue collar suits his budding dark mustache.
2:18:31
What a tall, elegant figure is his? And what a distinguished walk.
2:18:37
On that memorable day, we all lunched together in Grandmamma's room, every
2:18:41
face expressed delight, and with the dessert which followed the meal, the servants,
2:18:46
with grave but gratified faces, brought in bottles of champagne. Grandmamma,
2:18:50
for the first time since Mamma's death, drank a full glass of the wine
2:18:54
to Woloda's health, and wept for joy as she looked at him. Henceforth,
2:19:00
Woloda drove his own turn out, invited his own friends, smoked,
2:19:05
and went to balls. On one occasion I even saw him sharing a couple
2:19:09
of bottles of champagne with some guests in his room, and the whole company
2:19:13
drinking a toast with each glass to some mysterious being, and then quarreling as
2:19:18
to who should have the bottom of the bottle. Nevertheless, he always lunched
2:19:24
at home, and after the meal would stretch himself on a sofa and talk
2:19:26
confidentially to Katenka. Yet from what I overheard, while pretending of course to
2:19:31
pay no attention, I gathered that they were only talking of the heroes and
2:19:37
heroines of novels which they had read, or else of jealousy and love and
2:19:41
so on. Never could I understand what they found so attractive in these conversations,
2:19:46
nor why they smiled so happily and discussed things with such animation. Altogether,
2:19:52
I could see that, in addition to the friendships natural to persons who
2:19:56
had been companions from childhood, there existed between Woloda and Katenka a relation which
2:20:01
differentiated them from us and united them mysteriously to one another. End of Section
2:20:11
five, Chapter twenty one, Kateenka and Lubatchka. Katenka was now sixteen years
2:20:16
old, quite a grown up girl, and although at that age the angular
2:20:20
figures, the bashfulness and the gachiery peculiar to girls passing from childhood to youth
2:20:26
usually replaced the comely freshness and graceful, half developed bloom of childhood, she
2:20:31
had in no way altered. Still. The blue eyes, with their merry
2:20:35
glance, were hers. The well shaped nose with firm nostrils and almost forming
2:20:41
a line with the forehead, the little mouth with its charming smile, the
2:20:45
dimples and the rosy cheeks, and the small white hands. To her,
2:20:48
the epithet of girl pure and simple was pre eminently applicable. For in her
2:20:54
the only new features were a new and young, ladylike arrangement of her thick,
2:20:58
flaxen hair and a youthful bosom, the latter an addition which at once
2:21:03
caused her great joy and made her very bashful. Although Lubotshka and she had
2:21:09
grown up together and received the same education, they were totally unlike one another.
2:21:13
Lubotshka was not tall, and the rickets from which she had suffered had
2:21:16
shaped her feet in goose fashion and made her figure very bad. The only
2:21:22
pretty feature in her face was her eyes, which were indeed wonderful, being
2:21:26
large and black and instinct with such an extremely pleasing expression of mingled gravity and
2:21:31
naivete, that she was bound to attract attention in everything. She was simple
2:21:37
and natural, so that whereas Ktenka always looked as though she were trying to
2:21:41
be like someone else, Lubotshka looked people straight in the face and sometimes fixed
2:21:46
them so long with her splendid black eyes that she got blamed for doing what
2:21:50
was thought to be improper. Ktenka, on the contrary, always cast her
2:21:54
eyelids down, blinked, and pretended that she was short sighted, though I
2:22:00
knew very well that her sight was excellent. Lubotshka hated being shown off before
2:22:05
strangers, and when a visitor offered to kiss her, she invariably grew cross
2:22:09
and said that she hated affection, Whereas when strangers were present, Katenka was
2:22:15
always particularly endearing to Mimi and loved to walk about the room arm in arm
2:22:20
with another girl. Likewise, though Lubotshka was a terrible giggler and sometimes ran
2:22:24
about the room in convulsions of gesticulating laughter, Ktenka always covered her mouth with
2:22:31
her hands or her pocket handkerchief when she wanted to laugh. Lubotshka again loved
2:22:35
to have grown up men to talk to, and said that some day she
2:22:39
meant to marry a hussar, but Kateenka always pretended that all men were horrid
2:22:43
and that she never meant to marry any one of them, while as soon
2:22:46
as a male visitor addressed her, she changed completely, as though she were
2:22:50
nervous of something. Likewise, Lubotshka was continually at loggerheads with Mimi, because
2:22:56
the latter wanted her to have her stays so tight that she could not breathe,
2:23:01
or eat or drink. In comfort, while Katenka, on the contrary,
2:23:05
would often insert her finger into her waistband to show how loose it was,
2:23:09
and always ate very little. Lubotshka liked to draw heads, Katenka only
2:23:13
flowers and butterflies. The former could play fields Concerto's and Beethoven's sonatas excellently,
2:23:22
whereas the latter indulged in variations and waltzes, retarded the time and used the
2:23:26
petals continuously, not to mention the fact that before she began she invariably struck
2:23:31
three cords in arpeggio. Nevertheless, in those days, I thought Katenka much
2:23:37
the grander person of the two, and liked her the best. Chapter twenty
2:23:41
two. Papa. Papa had been in a particularly good humor ever since Walloda
2:23:48
had passed into the university and came much oftener to dine with Grandmamma. However,
2:23:54
I knew from Nikola that he had won a great deal Lately. Occasionally
2:23:56
he would come and sit with us in the evening before going to the club.
2:24:01
He used to sit down to the piano and bid us group ourselves around
2:24:03
him, after which he would beat time with his thin boots. He detested
2:24:07
heels and never wore them, and make us sing gipsy songs. At such
2:24:13
times you should have seen the quaint enthusiasm of his beloved Lubotchka, who adored
2:24:18
him. Sometimes again he would come to the schoolroom and listen with a grave
2:24:22
face as I said my lessons. Yet by the few words which he would
2:24:26
let drop on correcting me, I could see that he knew even less about
2:24:30
the subject than I did. Not. Infrequently, too, he would wink
2:24:33
at us and make secret signs when Grandmamma was beginning to scold us and find
2:24:37
fault with us all round. So much for us children, he would say.
2:24:43
On the whole. However, the impossible pinnacle upon which my childish imagination
2:24:46
had placed him had undergone a certain abasement. I still kissed his large white
2:24:52
hand with a certain feeling of love and respect. But I also allowed myself
2:24:56
to think about him and to criticize his behavior, until involuntari thoughts occurred to
2:25:01
me which alarmed me by their presence. Never shall I forget one incident in
2:25:05
particular, which awakened thoughts of this kind and caused me intense astonishment. Late
2:25:11
one evening, he entered the drawing room in his black dress coat and white
2:25:15
waistcoat to take Waloda, who was still dressing in his bedroom, to a
2:25:18
ball. Grandmamma was also in her bedroom, but had given orders that before
2:25:24
setting out, Woloda was to come and say good bye to her. It
2:25:26
was her invariable custom to inspect him before he went to a ball and to
2:25:31
bless him and direct him as to his behavior. The room where we were
2:25:35
was lighted by a solitary lamp. Mimi and Kateenka were walking up and down,
2:25:41
and Lubotshka was playing fields second Concerto, Mamma's favorite piece at the piano.
2:25:46
Never was there such a family likeness as between Mamma and my sister,
2:25:50
Not so much in the face of the stature, as in the hands,
2:25:54
the walk, the voice, the favorite expressions, and above all the way
2:25:58
of playing the piano and the whole demeanor at the instrument. Lubotshka always arranged
2:26:03
her dress when sitting down, just as Mamma had done, as well as
2:26:07
turned the leaves like her, tapped her fingers angrily and said dear me whenever
2:26:11
a difficult passage did not go smoothly, and in particular played with the delicacy
2:26:16
and exquisite purity of touch, which in those days caused the execution of Field's
2:26:20
music to be known characteristically as joeu pere and to lie beyond comparison with the
2:26:28
humbug of our modern virtuosi. Papa entered the room with short, soft steps
2:26:33
and approached Lubashka. On seeing him, she stopped playing. No go on,
2:26:39
Luba, go on, he said, as he forced her to sit
2:26:43
down again. She went on playing, while Papa, his head on his
2:26:46
hand, sat near her for a while. Then suddenly he gave his shoulders
2:26:50
a shrug, and rising began to pace the room. Every time that he
2:26:54
approached the piano, he halted for a moment and looked fixedly at Lubatchka.
2:27:00
By his walk and his every movement, I could see that he was greatly
2:27:03
agitated. Once, when he stopped behind Lubachka, he kissed her black hair,
2:27:07
and then, wheeling quickly round, resumed his pacing. The piece finished,
2:27:11
Lubaschhka went up to him and said, was it well played? Whereupon,
2:27:16
without answering, he took her head in his two hands and kissed her
2:27:18
forehead and eyes with such tenderness as I had never before seen him display.
2:27:24
Why you are crying, cried Lubachika suddenly, as she ceased to toy with
2:27:28
his watch chain and stared at him with her great black eyes. Pardon me,
2:27:33
darling, Papa, I had quite forgotten that it was dear Mamma's piece
2:27:35
which I was playing. No, no, my love, play it often,
2:27:39
he said, in a voice trembling with emotion. Ah, if only
2:27:43
you knew how much good it does me to share your tears. He kissed
2:27:46
her again, and then, mastering his feelings, and shrugging his shoulders,
2:27:50
went to the door leading to the corridor which ran past Woloda's room. Waldemar,
2:27:56
shall you be ready soon? He cried, halting in the middle of
2:28:00
the passage. Just then Masha came along. Why you look prettier every day,
2:28:05
he said to her. She blushed and passed on. Valdemar, shall
2:28:09
you be ready soon? He cried again, with a cough and a shake
2:28:13
of his shoulders, just as Masha slipped away and he first caught sight of
2:28:16
me. I love, Papa, But the intellect is independent of the heart
2:28:22
and often gives birth to thoughts which offend and are harsh and incomprehensible to the
2:28:26
feelings. And it was thoughts of this kind that for all I strove to
2:28:31
put them away, arose at that moment in my mind. Chapter twenty three.
2:28:37
Grandmamma. Grandmamma was growing weaker every day. Her bell Gasha's grumbling voice,
2:28:46
and the slamming of doors in her room were sounds of constant occurrence,
2:28:50
and she no longer received us sitting in the voltairian arm chair in her boudoir,
2:28:54
but lying on the bed in her bedroom, supported on lace trimmed cushions.
2:29:00
One day, when she greeted us, I noticed a yellowish white swelling
2:29:03
on her hand and smelt the same oppressive odor which I had smelt five years
2:29:07
ago in Mamma's room. The doctor came three times a day, and there
2:29:11
had been more than one consultation. Yet the character of her, haughty,
2:29:16
ceremonious bearing towards all who lived with her, and particularly towards Papa, never
2:29:20
changed in the least. She went on emphasizing certain words, raising her eyebrows
2:29:26
and saying my dear, just as she had always done. Then for a
2:29:31
few days we did not see her at all, and one morning Saint Jerome
2:29:35
proposed to me that Wiloda and I should take Katenka and Lubotshka for our drive
2:29:39
during the hours generally allotted to study. Although I observed that the street was
2:29:43
lined with straw under the windows of Grandmamma's room, and that some men in
2:29:46
blue stockings Undertaker's men were standing at our gate, the reason never dawned upon
2:29:52
me why we were being sent out at that unusual hour. Throughout the drive,
2:29:58
Lubotchka and I were in that particular cularly merry mood when the least trifle,
2:30:01
the least word, or movement, sets one off laughing. A peddler
2:30:07
went trotting across the road with a tray, and we laughed. Some ragged
2:30:11
cabmen, brandishing their reins and driving at full speed, overtook our sledge and
2:30:15
we laughed again. Next, Philip's whip got caught in the side of the
2:30:18
vehicle, and the way in which he said bother the thing as he drove
2:30:22
to disentangle it almost killed us with mirth. Mimi looked displeased and said that
2:30:28
only silly people laughed for no reason at all, But Lubotshka her face purple
2:30:33
with suppressed merriment needed but to give me a sly glance, and we again
2:30:37
burst out into such homeric laughter. When our eyes met that, the tears
2:30:41
rushed into them, and we could not stop our paroxysms, although they nearly
2:30:45
choked us. Hardly again had we desisted a little when I looked at Lubotshka
2:30:50
once more and gave vent to one of the slang words which we then affected
2:30:54
among ourselves, words which always called forth hilarity, And in a moment we
2:30:58
were laughing again. Just as we reached home. I was opening my mouth
2:31:03
to make a splendid grimace at Lubatchhka, when my eye fell upon a black
2:31:07
coffin cover which was leaning against the gate, and my mouth remained fixed in
2:31:11
its gaping position. Your Grandmamma is dead, said Saint Jerome as he met
2:31:16
us. His face was very pale. Throughout the whole time that Grandmamma's body
2:31:22
was in the house, I was oppressed with the fear of death, for
2:31:24
the corpse served as a forcible and disagreeable reminder that I too must die some
2:31:31
day, a feeling which people often mistake for grief. I had no sincere
2:31:35
regret for Grandmamma, nor I think had any one else, Since, although
2:31:39
the house was full of sympathizing callers, nobody seemed to mourn for her from
2:31:43
their hearts, except one mourner, whose genuine grief made a great impression upon
2:31:48
me. Seeing that the mourner in question was Gosha. She shut herself up
2:31:54
in the garret, tore her hair, and refused all consolation, saying that
2:31:58
now the her mistress was dead, she only wished to die herself. I
2:32:05
again assert that in matters of feeling, it is the unexpected effects that constitute
2:32:09
the most reliable signs of sincerity. Though Grandmamma was no longer with us,
2:32:15
reminiscences and gossip about her long went on in the house. Such gossip referred
2:32:20
mostly to her will, which she had made shortly before her death, and
2:32:24
of which as yet no one knew the contents except her bosom friend, Prince
2:32:28
ivan Ivanovitch. I could hear the servants talking excitedly together and making innumerable conjectures
2:32:35
as to the amount left in the probable beneficiaries. Nor can I deny that
2:32:39
the idea that we ourselves were probably the latter greatly pleased me. Six weeks
2:32:46
later, Nikola, who acted as regular newsagent to the house, informed me
2:32:50
that Grandmamma had left the whole of her fortune to Lubatchka, with as her
2:32:54
trustee until her majority. Not Papa but Prince Ivan Ivanevich Chapter twenty four.
2:33:03
Myself only a few months remained before I was to matriculate for the university.
2:33:09
Yet I was making such good progress that I felt no apprehensions and even took
2:33:13
but pleasure in my studies. I kept in good heart and learnt my lessons
2:33:18
fluently and intelligently. The faculty I had selected was the mathematical one, probably
2:33:24
to tell the truth, because the terms tangent differentials, integrals, and so
2:33:28
forth pleased my fancy. Though stout and broad shouldered, I was shorter than
2:33:33
Muloda, while my ugliness of faith still remained and tormented me as much as
2:33:37
ever. By way of compensation, I tried to appear original. Yet one
2:33:43
thing comforted me, namely that Papa had said that I had an intelligent face.
2:33:46
I quite believed him. Saint Jerome was not only satisfied with me,
2:33:50
but actually had taken to praising me. Consequently, I had now ceased to
2:33:54
hate him. In fact, when one day he said that with my capatit
2:34:00
and my intellect, it would be shameful for me not to accomplish this,
2:34:03
that or the other thing, I believe I almost liked him. I had
2:34:07
long ago given up keeping observation on the maid servants room, for I was
2:34:11
now ashamed to hide behind doors. Likewise, I confess that the knowledge of
2:34:16
Masha's love for Basil had greatly cooled my ardor for her, and that my
2:34:20
passion underwent a final cure by their marriage, a consummation to which I myself
2:34:26
contributed by, at Basil's request, asking Papa's consent to the union. When
2:34:31
the newly married couple brought trays of cakes and sweetmeats to Papa as a thank
2:34:37
offering, and Masha, in a cap with blue ribbons, kissed each of
2:34:39
us on the shoulder and betoken of her gratitude, I merely noticed the scent
2:34:45
of the rose palmade on her hair, but felt no other sensation. In
2:34:50
general, I was beginning to get the better of my youthful defects, with
2:34:54
the exception of the principal one, the one of which I shall often again
2:34:56
have to speak in relating my life's history, namely the tendency to abstract thought
2:35:05
end of Section six, Chapter twenty five Wiloda's Friends. Although when in the
2:35:11
society of Woloda's friends, I had to play a part that hurt my pride,
2:35:16
I liked sitting in his room when he had visitors and silently watching all
2:35:20
they did. The two who came most frequently to see him were a military
2:35:24
adjutant called Dubkoff and a student named Prince Nekhludoff. Dubkov was a little,
2:35:31
dark haired, highly strung man who, though short of stature and no longer
2:35:35
in his first youth, had a pleasing and invariably cheerful air. His was
2:35:39
one of those limited natures which are agreeable through their very limitations, natures which
2:35:45
cannot regard matters from every point of view, but which are nevertheless attracted by
2:35:48
everything. Usually the reasoning of such persons as false and one sided, yet
2:35:54
always genuine and taking, wherefore their narrow egotism seems both in amiable and excusable.
2:36:01
There were two other reasons why Dubkov had charms for Wiloda and myself,
2:36:05
namely the fact that he was of military appearance, and secondly, and principally
2:36:11
the fact that he was of a certain age, an age with which young
2:36:13
people are apt to associate that quality of gentlemanliness which is so highly esteemed at
2:36:20
their time of life. However, he was in very truth an owncomb illful.
2:36:26
The only thing which I did not like about at all was that,
2:36:28
in his presence Woloda always seemed ashamed of my innocent behavior, and still more
2:36:33
so of my youthfulness. As for Prince Nekhludoff, he was in no way
2:36:39
handsome, since neither his small gray eyes, his low projecting forehead, nor
2:36:43
his disportionately long hands and feet could be called good features. The only good
2:36:48
points about him were his unusually tall stature, his delicate coloring, and his
2:36:52
splendid teeth. Nevertheless, his face was of such an original, energetic character,
2:36:58
owing to his narrow, sparkling eyes and ever changing expression, now stern,
2:37:03
now childlike, now smiling indeterminately, that it was impossible to help noticing
2:37:09
it. As a rule, he was very shy and would blush to the
2:37:13
ears at the smallest trifle, but it was a shyness altogether different from mine,
2:37:18
seeing that the more he blushed, the more determined looking he grew as
2:37:22
though he were vexed at his own weakness. Although he was on very good
2:37:26
terms with Wiloda and Dubkov, it was clearly chance which had united them.
2:37:30
Thus, since their tastes were entirely dissimilar, Wiloda and Dubkov seemed to be
2:37:35
afraid of anything like serious consideration or emotion, whereas Nekhludoff was beyond all things
2:37:41
an enthusiasts and would often, despite their sarcastic remarks, plunge into dissertations on
2:37:46
philosophical matters or matters of feeling. Again, the two former liked talking about
2:37:52
the fair objects of their adoration. These were always numerous and always shared by
2:37:56
the friends in common, whereas Nekhludoff invariably grew annoyed when taxed with his love
2:38:01
for a certain red haired lady. Again, Wiloda and Dubkov often permitted themselves
2:38:07
to criticize their relatives and to find amusement in so doing, But Nekhludoff flew
2:38:13
into a tremendous rage when, on one occasion they referred to some weak points
2:38:18
in the character of an aunt of his whom he adored. Finally, after
2:38:22
supper, Wiloda and Dubkov would usually go off to some place, whether Nekhludoff
2:38:26
would not accompany them, wherefore they called him a dainty girl. The very
2:38:31
first time that I ever saw Prince Nekhludoff, I was struck with his exterior
2:38:37
and conversation. Yet, though I could discern a great similarity between his disposition
2:38:41
and my own, or perhaps it was because I could so discern it,
2:38:45
the impression which he produced upon me at first was anything but agreeable. I
2:38:50
liked neither his quick glance, his hard voice, his proud bearing, nor
2:38:54
least of all, the utter indifference with which he treated me often when conversing.
2:38:58
I burned to untradict him, to punish his pride by confuting him,
2:39:03
to show him that I was clever in spite of his disdainful neglect of my
2:39:05
presence. But I was invariably prevented from doing so by my shyness. Chapter
2:39:13
twenty six Discussions. Willoto was lying reading a French novel on the sofa when
2:39:18
I paid my usual visit to his room after my evening lessons. He looked
2:39:22
up at me for a moment from his book, and then went on reading
2:39:26
this perfectly simple and natural movement, however, offended me. I conceived that
2:39:31
the glance implied a question why I had come, and a wish to hide
2:39:33
his thoughts from me. I may say that at that period a tendency to
2:39:37
attach a meaning to the most insignificant of acts formed a prominent feature in my
2:39:43
character. So I went to the table and also took up a book to
2:39:46
read. Yet, even before I had actually begun reading, the idea struck
2:39:50
me how ridiculous it was that although we had never seen one another all day,
2:39:54
we should have not a word to exchange. Are you going to stay
2:39:58
in tonight, Woloda? I don't know why. Oh, Because, seeing
2:40:07
that the conversation did not promise to be a success, I took up my
2:40:09
book again and began to read. Yet it was a strange thing that,
2:40:13
though we sometimes passed whole hours together without speaking, when we were alone,
2:40:18
the mere presence of a third, sometimes of a taciturn and a wholly uninteresting
2:40:22
person, sufficed to plunge us into the most varied and engrossing of discussions.
2:40:28
The truth was that we knew one another too well, and to know a
2:40:31
person either too well or too little, acts as a bar to intimacy.
2:40:37
Is Wiloda at home? Came in Dubkov's voice from the anteroom. Yes,
2:40:41
shouted Wiloda, springing up and throwing aside his book. Dubkov and Nekhludoff entered,
2:40:46
are you coming to the theater? Woloda? No, I have no
2:40:50
time, he replied with a blush. Oh never mind that, Come along,
2:40:54
but I haven't got a ticket. Tickets as many as you like at
2:40:58
the entrance. Very well, then I'll be back in a minute, said
2:41:01
Wiloda evasively, as he left the room. I knew very well that he
2:41:05
wanted to go, but that he had declined because he had no money,
2:41:09
and had now gone to borrow five roubles of one of the servants to be
2:41:13
repaid when he got his next allowance. How do you do, diplomat,
2:41:16
said Dupkov to me as he shook me by the hand. Wiloda's friends had
2:41:20
called me by that nickname since the day when Grandmamma had said at luncheon that
2:41:24
Wiloda must go into the army, but that she would like to see me
2:41:28
in the diplomatic service, dressed in a black frock coat and with my hair
2:41:31
arranged a la coq, the two essential requirements in her opinion of a diplomat.
2:41:37
Where has Wiloda gone to, asked Nekhludoff. I don't know, I
2:41:41
replied, blushing to think that. Nevertheless, they had probably guessed his Errand
2:41:46
I suppose he has no money? Yes, I can see, I am
2:41:50
right, o diplomatist, he added, taking my smile as an answer in
2:41:54
the affirmative. Well, I have none either, have you any, Dupkov?
2:41:58
I'll see, replied Dupkov, feeling for his pocket and rummaging gingerly about
2:42:03
with his squat little fingers among his small change. Yes, here are five
2:42:07
kopeks twenty, but that's all, he concluded, with a comic gesture of
2:42:11
his hand. At this point, Wilodo re entered. Are we going?
2:42:16
No? What an odd fellow you are, said Nekhludoff. Why don't you
2:42:18
say that you have no money? Here? Take my ticket? But what
2:42:22
are you going to do? He can go to his cousin's box, said
2:42:26
Dupkov. No, I'm not going at all, replied Nekhludoff. Why because
2:42:31
I hate sitting in a box, and for what reason I don't know.
2:42:35
Somehow I feel uncomfortable there always the same. I can't understand a fellow feeling
2:42:41
uncomfortable when he is sitting with people who are fond of him. It is
2:42:45
unnatural, mon cher. But what else is there to be done? Seed
2:42:50
your sweet tonk to Mete, you never blushed in your life, but I
2:42:52
do it the least trifle, and he blushed at that moment. Do you
2:42:56
know what that nervousness of yours proceeds from? Said Dupkoh in a protecting sort
2:43:01
of tone. Don't excess d'a mourt propre moncher. What do you mean by
2:43:07
excess d'mour propra, asked Nekhludoff, highly offended. On the contrary, I
2:43:13
am shy just because I have too little amore proper. I always feel as
2:43:16
though I were being tiresome and disagreeable, and therefore, well, get ready,
2:43:22
Willoda, interrupted Dukov, tapping my brother on the shoulder and handing him
2:43:26
his cloak. Ignace, get your master ready, therefore, continued Nekhludoff.
2:43:31
It often happens with me that. But Dukekov was not listening. Try La
2:43:35
la lah, and he hummed a popular air. Oh but I'm not going
2:43:39
to let you off, went on Nekhludoff, I mean to prove to you
2:43:43
that my shyness is not the result of conceit. You can prove it as
2:43:46
we go along, But I have told you I am not going. Well,
2:43:50
then stay here and prove it to the diplomat, and he can tell
2:43:52
us all about it when we return. Yes, that's what I will do,
2:43:56
said Nekhludoff, with boyish obstinacy. So hurry up with your return.
2:44:01
Well do you think I am egotistic? He continued, seating himself beside me.
2:44:05
True, I had a definite opinion on the subject, but I felt
2:44:09
so taken aback by this unexpected question that at first I could make no reply.
2:44:13
Yes, I do think so, I said at length, in a
2:44:16
faltering voice, and coloring at the thought that at last the moment had come
2:44:20
when I could show him that I was clever. I think that everybody is
2:44:24
egotistic, and that everything we do is done out of egotism. But what
2:44:28
do you call egotism, asked Nekhludoff, smiling as I thought a little contemptuously.
2:44:33
Egotism is a conviction that we are better and cleverer than anyone else,
2:44:37
I replied, But how can we all be filled with this conviction, he
2:44:41
inquired. Well, I don't know if I am right or not. Certainly,
2:44:46
no one but myself seems to hold the opinion. But I believe that
2:44:48
I am wiser than anyone else in the world, and that all of you
2:44:52
know it. At least I can say for myself, observed Nekhludoff, that
2:44:56
I have met a few people whom I believe to excel me in wisdom.
2:45:01
It is impossible, I replied, with conviction. Do you really think so,
2:45:05
he said, looking at me gravely. Yes, really, I answered,
2:45:09
and an idea crossed my mind, which I proceeded to expound further.
2:45:13
Let me prove it to you. Why do we love ourselves better than anyone
2:45:16
else? Because we think ourselves better than anyone else, more worthy of our
2:45:22
own love. If we thought others better than ourselves, we should love them
2:45:26
better than ourselves. But that is never the case, and even if it
2:45:30
were so, I should still be right, I added, with an involuntary
2:45:33
smile of complacency. For a few minutes, Nekhludoff was silent. I never
2:45:39
thought you were so clever, he said, with a smile, so good
2:45:41
humored and charming, that I at once felt happy. Praise exercises an all
2:45:46
potent influence not only upon the feelings, but also upon the intellect, so
2:45:52
that under the influence of that agreeable sensation, I straightway felt much cleverer than
2:45:56
before, and thoughts began to rush with the extraordinary rapidity through my head.
2:46:01
From egotism, we passed insensibly to the theme of love, which seemed inexhaustible.
2:46:07
Although our reasonings might have sounded nonsensical to a listener, so vague and
2:46:11
one sided were they, for ourselves, they had a profound significance. Our
2:46:16
minds were so perfectly in harmony that not a chord was struck in the one
2:46:20
without awakening an echo in the other. And in this harmonious striking of different
2:46:24
chords we found the greatest delight. Indeed, we felt as though time and
2:46:28
language were insufficient to express the thoughts which seethed within us. Chapter twenty seven,
2:46:37
the beginning of our friendship. From that time forth, a strange but
2:46:41
exceedingly pleasant relation subsisted between Dmitri Nikhludoff and myself. Before other people, he
2:46:48
paid me scanty attention, but as soon as ever we were alone, we
2:46:50
would sit down together in some comfortable corner, and forgetful both of time and
2:46:54
of everything around us. Fall to reasoning, we talked of a future life
2:47:01
of art, service, marriage, and education. Nor did the idea ever
2:47:05
occur to us that very possibly always said was shocking nonsense. The reason why
2:47:09
it never occurred to us was that the nonsense which we talked was good,
2:47:13
sensible nonsense, and that so long as one is young, one can appreciate
2:47:16
good nonsense and believe in it. In youth, the powers of the mind
2:47:20
are directed wholly to the future, and that future assumes such various, vivid
2:47:26
and alluring forms under the influence of hope, hope based not upon the experience
2:47:31
of the past, but upon an assumed possibility of happiness to come. That
2:47:35
such dreams of expected felicity constitute in themselves the true happiness of that period of
2:47:41
our life. How I loved those moments in our metaphysical discussions, discussions which
2:47:46
formed the major portion of our intercourse, when thoughts came thronging faster and faster,
2:47:52
and succeeding one another at lightning speed, and growing more and more abstract
2:47:56
at length attained such a pitch of elevation that one felt powerless to express them,
2:48:01
and said something quite different from what one had intended at first to say,
2:48:05
how I liked those moments too. When carried higher and higher into the
2:48:09
realms of thought, we suddenly felt that we could grasp its substance no longer
2:48:13
and go no further. At carnival time, Nekhludoff was so much taken up
2:48:18
with one festivity and another that, though he came to see us several times
2:48:22
a day, he never addressed a single word to me. This offended me
2:48:26
so much that once again I found myself thinking him a haughty, disagreeable fellow,
2:48:31
and only awaited an opportunity to show him that I no longer valued his
2:48:35
company or felt any particular affection for him. Accordingly, the first time that
2:48:39
he spoke to me after the carnival, I said that I had lessons to
2:48:43
do and went upstairs. But a quarter of an hour later someone opened the
2:48:46
schoolroom door, and Nekhludoff entered. Am I disturbing you? He asked,
2:48:52
No, I replied, although I had at first intended to say that I
2:48:56
had a great deal to do. Then why did you run away? Just
2:49:01
now? It is a long while since we had a talk together, and
2:49:03
I have grown so accustomed to these discussions that I feel as though something were
2:49:07
wanting. My anger had quite gone now, and Dmitri stood before me,
2:49:11
the same good and lovable being as before. You know perhaps why I ran
2:49:16
away, I said, Perhaps I do, he answered, taking a seat
2:49:20
near me. However, though it is possible, I know why, I
2:49:24
cannot say it straight out whereas you can, then I will do so.
2:49:28
I ran away because I was angry with you. Well, not angry,
2:49:33
but grieved. I always have an idea that you despise me for being so
2:49:37
young. Well do you know why I always feel so attracted towards you,
2:49:41
he replied, meeting my confession with a look of kind understanding. And why
2:49:45
I like you better than any of my other acquaintances, or than any of
2:49:48
the people among whom I mostly have to live, It is because I found
2:49:52
out at once that you have the rare and astonishing gift of sincerity. Yes,
2:49:58
I always confess the thing things of which I am most ashamed, but
2:50:01
only to people in whom I trust, I said, Ah, But to
2:50:05
trust a man you must be his friend completely. And we are not friends
2:50:09
yet, Nicholas, Remember how when we were speaking of friendship. We agreed
2:50:13
that to be real friends, we ought to trust one another implicitly. I
2:50:18
trust you in so far as that I feel convinced you would never repeat a
2:50:22
word of what I might tell you. I said. Yet, perhaps the
2:50:24
most interesting and important thoughts of all are just those which we never tell one
2:50:30
another, while the mean thoughts, the thoughts which, if we only knew
2:50:33
that we had to confess them to one another, would probably never have the
2:50:37
hardihood to enter our minds. Well, do you know what I am thinking
2:50:41
of, Nicholas, He broke off, rising and taking my hand with a
2:50:43
smile. I propose, and I feel sure that it would benefit us mutually
2:50:48
that we should pledge our word to one another to tell each other everything.
2:50:52
We should then really know each other and never have anything on our consciences,
2:50:56
and to guard against outsiders, let us also agree never to speak of one
2:51:01
another to a third person. Suppose we do that, I agree, I
2:51:07
replied, And we did it. What the result was shall be told hereafter.
2:51:13
Kerr has said that every attachment has two sides. One loves and the
2:51:16
other allows himself to be loved. One kisses and the other surrenders his cheek
2:51:22
that is perfectly true. In the case of our own attachment. It was
2:51:26
I who kissed and Dmitri who surrendered his cheek, though he, in his
2:51:30
turn, was ready to pay me a similar salute. We loved equally because
2:51:35
we knew and appreciated each other thoroughly. But this did not prevent him from
2:51:39
exercising an influence over me, nor myself from rendering him adoration. It will
2:51:43
be readily understood that Nekhludoff's influence caused me to adopt his bent of mind,
2:51:50
the essence of which lay in an enthusiastic reverence for ideal virtue and a firm
2:51:54
belief in man's vocation to perpetual perfection. To raise mankind to a abolished vice
2:52:00
and misery seemed at that time a task offering no difficulties. To educate oneself
2:52:05
to every virtue, and so to achieve happiness seemed a simple and easy matter.
2:52:11
Only God himself knows whether those blessed dreams of youth were ridiculous or whose
2:52:18
the fault was that they never became realized. End of Section seven.