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What Is The Biggest Regret of Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse? · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  All right, y'all tough topic Today, let's talk about the
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  biggest regrets of the biggest regret of survivors of
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  narcissistic abuse that I've spoken to over the last few
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  years. Over the last five years, I've
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  had the opportunity to speak to thousands of survivors of
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  narcissistic abuse, interact with thousands of thousands of
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  victims of narcissistic abuse. And today we're going to talk
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  about the biggest regrets that I've talked to people about.
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  It's like a consensus, The biggest regrets that people have
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  about dealing with narcissistic people or after they've survived
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  and thrived and got out of the relationship, the biggest regret
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  that they had or have. Then we talked about today.
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  Y'all, if you're new here, my name is Lee Hammock.
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  I'm a diagnosed narcissist and welcome to another episode of
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  The Narcissist Code. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna keep it hot
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  and I'm gonna keep it ready with you.
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  This is going to be a tough topic today.
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  Tough, tough, tough, tough topic.
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  Yeah. And this is not in any of these
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  things I'm going to say or not in any order.
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  And it's not for me to chastise people.
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  It's not me to victim blame or anything like that.
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  This list and I'll talk to others, a few other survivors.
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  And it's like, you shouldn't, you should do that video like
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  they say, because I do my one on ones over Zoom and mental
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  illness.net and people told me they said, Lee, you should
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  actually do that video. Do that video you mentioned
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  about the biggest regrets that people have.
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  Because you when you told me about the biggest regrets that
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  other survivors had, it moved me.
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  You said, hey, the biggest regret I've talked to about
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  people people have from dealing with a narcissist help other
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  people. When I tell other people, when I
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  tell people other people's biggest regret, it helps move
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  them because they don't want to have that same regret, right?
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  Because Tony Robbins says this, y'all, he says regret ways he's
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  he said pain weighs oz, regret weighs ton tons, right?
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  You say fear of fear, fear of regret.
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  But anyway, John, so consensus, and this is all anecdotal,
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  y'all, and this is just my own personal experience of talking
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  to so many people over the last few years, right?
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  The biggest regret that people have about dealing with their
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  narcissist after they survive is staying longer than what they
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  it's staying longer. It's staying for as long as
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  they, as long as they did stay because so many people have that
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  regret right there. So many people are in the
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  process and whatnot of just saying it's like, I regret
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  staying as long as I did. I regret, I regret not leaving.
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  As soon as I realized that this person was who I thought they
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  were, as soon as I saw the red flags initially, I didn't leave.
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  I stayed too long. So many people in like it's like
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  Tom y'all, they regret giving this person their time.
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  And I try to help as many people as possible understand that you
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  didn't waste time because when you if you feel like you wasted
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  time is is it, it can be so detrimental to your mental
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  health, right? This is these are my thoughts.
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  Like if you feel like you wasted time with a narcissist and you
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  because time is one thing you cannot get back.
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  If you feel like you wasted time, it's going to be it can
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  lead you into a depression because you can't get that time
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  back and you go, you know what? I need to go get this time.
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  I need to recoup this time. You can't do that, right?
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  You can't do that. And that's overall the biggest
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  regret I've talked to people about.
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  Y'all, They regret not leaving sooner.
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  The first red flag, the first lie, the first time they got
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  cheated on, the first time they got their hands put on them.
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  The first time they've been manipulated.
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  The first time they realized that they were gaslighted.
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  The first time when a person yelled at them or screamed at
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  them on a second or third date. The first time that this person
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  threatened to wreck the car home on a second date.
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  You see what I'm saying? He's driving.
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  He's driving and dropped me off Lee, he's driving to drop me
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  off. It's just our second day.
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  We had a great first date and then the second date we went to
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  a new. We went to my favorite
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  restaurant and the waiter smiled at me and I laughed at one of
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  the waiters jokes and he gave me a look.
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  Ended the date early, screamed and yelled at me and speed all
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  the way home. Like zoomed all the way home
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  because he was so angry because I was being disrespectful
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  towards him and I should have left him alone that night.
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  I cried all the way home. The next day I wanted to block
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  him but soon as I get ready to block him he called me and he
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  apologized and I should have even though I should should have
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  left. Then he called me apologized and
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  then a couple weeks later I was pregnant and then I got married
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  and then I ended up staying for 10 years.
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  You see what I'm saying? I stayed for 10 years and now I
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  have a kid by so it's now I still have to deal with this
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  person for the rest of my life. And I'm sad as hell because my
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  kid has this toxic, this toxic person as a parent.
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  And I knew that they were toxic the second time, the second day
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  I saw them. You see what I'm saying?
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  That's a big regret to people. That's the biggest regret that I
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  speak to people about y'all, and I'm not trying to say this is
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  not, this is not doom and gloom right here, right?
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  This is a kind of like a wake up call, a call in.
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  If anything. It's just like if you feel like
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  you're in this relationship dynamic, right?
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  If you feel like you just get it to know somebody and it doesn't
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  feel right or you've been lied to, you've been cheated on
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  things you would never ever accept for anybody else.
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  You've said this out. Wow, you might have even wrote
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  this down. They will never happen to me.
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  And then it starts happening to you and you don't leave the
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  person alone because you see the potential in them, right?
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  You saw the potential in them, right?
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  And now you didn't leave the person alone.
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  So now it gets, it goes in a whole different direction.
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  You see, this is part of that space that so many people fall
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  into right here. So that's why I'm trying to help
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  as many people as possible understand that the biggest
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  regret that survivors have that I've spoken to is not leaving
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  sooner. And this is not me, y'all.
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  And please don't take this the wrong way.
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  This is not me saying get your ass up and leave right now.
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  This is not what I'm saying right, because everybody's
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  situation is different. I'm just sharing this, this,
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  this right here. If this, if you feel the same
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  way, don't come. Don't don't start compounding
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  the the mistake you feel like you made, right?
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  Don't just like, well, I already made a mistake, leave.
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  Might as well compound it. Might as well might as well have
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  another baby. Might as well get pregnant
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  again. Might as well put another baby
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  in her Lee might as well buy a house with her.
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  Might as well do this with her. Might as well go in and start a
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  business together with her. You see what I'm saying?
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  Don't compound the error. Compound interest is a good
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  thing when it's used correctly, right?
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  When you invest in money or something like that in a, in an,
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  in an account that gets some a good, a good rate of compound
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  interest. It it, it's great for your
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  money, isn't it? But it's not great for your time
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  If it's the compound, if it's negative compound interest, it
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  works in the opposite direction and starts taking away from you.
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  You're losing more money, you're losing more time, you're losing
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  more effort, you're losing more energy.
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  And so overall, this is the biggest regret I've talked to so
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  many people, y'all people I've talked to some of my Zoom calls,
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  my Zoom calls are 30 minutes or an hour, right?
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  Sometimes I do an hour Zoom call.
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  People spend 30 minutes crying because they're sad, because
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  they think what their life could have been if they didn't, if
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  they would have left earlier, if they would have realized what
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  they were going through. And I tell people like, look, 30
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  years ago, there was no TikTok, there was no Instagram or no
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  YouTube or no Facebook for you to get on there and see a video
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  about narcissistic abuse or narcissistic behavior or toxic
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  behavior. This is just what you might have
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  thought was normal. So don't hammer away at yourself
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  because beating yourself right up right now, right, doesn't
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  help you moving forward. Beating yourself up right now
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  does not help you moving forward.
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  I promise you it doesn't. You, you will give you, you will
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  give yourself what I refer to as an emotional black eye.
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  And emotional black eyes make it difficult for you to see
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  emotionally, right? If you imagine both of your eyes
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  are black shut, you can't see. So if your emotional eyes, if
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  your emotional lenses are foggy or cloudy or your eyes are
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  black, it's hard to see emotionally, right?
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  It's hard to see. It's all the process moving
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  forward. And again, this, I don't make
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  this video for everybody to leave because I, I stopped
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  telling people to leave a long time ago because you have to be
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  the one that wants to leave, right?
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  You have to want to leave and you have to take the actions to
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  leave. If I tell you to leave, it's me
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  telling you to leave. It's not really you doing it.
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  You are leaving because I told you, you have to want to leave.
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  You have to want to survive. You have to, want to, to, to
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  thrive, to take the opportunity or the chance to thrive.
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  And it's not like I said, it's not going to be easy.
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  So when people just say just leave, you should just leave.
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  I'm like, look, it ain't easy. It ain't it really is not an
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  easy task. It really is not.
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  So everybody doesn't just leave, you know, sometimes, but it's so
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  many people have their regret of not leaving sooner.
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  If you're watching this video, you're might already be in it.
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  If you're not in it, if you're trying to heal and move forward
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  and go out there in the dating world, if you see the red flags
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  early, you if it doesn't feel right, it's not right.
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  You know what I mean? It's not right.
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  If it doesn't feel right, it's not right.
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  I don't know, tell you right there.
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  If it does not feel right, it's not right.
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  It just isn't. And this is not me again, y'all,
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  y'all know I'm not the chastised guy.
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  I'm not the guy who comes on here and hops on here and pokes
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  fun at people. I'm trying to help you
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  understand and heal because so many people regret staying too
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  long. I stayed too long way.
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  You have people I've talked to, this is like every year I talked
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  to at least one person of every year for the last three years.
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  I've talked to at least one person who is just now leaving a
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  43 year marriage and that number is specific 43 years.
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  Lee, I just left a 43 year marriage.
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  I got with this person. I was 16/17/15.
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  This person is the only person I've known my entire life.
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  I lost my family, my friends. This person has always been
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  around me. But I if I'd have knew then what
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  I knew now, I wish I'd have left earlier.
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  I wish I'd have left in year 1 instead of year 43.
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  But I tried to tell people you didn't waste 43 years.
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  You got to find a new way to look at it.
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  You didn't waste 43 years because it wasn't.
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  There's some good times in there as well, right?
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  Might be few and far between, but doing some good times,
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  right? Yeah.
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  Could you have chose a better person?
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  Yeah, possibly. Right.
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  But this is they you, this is the car, just the hand you got
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  dealt. You got to play your cards
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  right. You use it.
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  Some other people got full houses and straight fleshes.
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  You got a a pair of two. Yeah, you got two.
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  You got you got 2 twos, you know what I mean?
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  That's how it goes sometimes. Y'all serious?
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  I'm not laughing and picking a job but I promise you that just
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  happens to be the biggest regret the next.
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  This is not a list of regrets y'all.
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  But the the next. I feel like honorable, honorable
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  mention regrets that people have is literally having kids by them
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  or moving in with them or cutting off their friends and
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  families. You see what I'm saying?
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  So many people have those regrets as well.
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  Like I lost all my friends and family.
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  I had a best friend of 20 years that I had to stop talking to
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  them because my partner said they didn't like them.
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  So I lost my best friend in 20 years.
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  And when I when this relationship ended, Lee, I tried
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  to reach out to my best friend and they would refuse to talk to
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  me again. So I'm heartbroken.
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  I I lost my partner and I lost my best friend.
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  My mom and dad don't talk to me anymore.
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  My siblings don't talk to me anymore.
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  My brothers and sisters don't talk to me anymore.
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  I lost a great job dealing with this person.
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  I had to quit a job because they didn't like my boss, that my
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  boss was an attractive woman. I had to quit this job because
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  they didn't like my boss was an attractive man in high power.
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  Whatever. I they, they let their
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  insecurities control your life. They'll let other people's
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  insecurities control your life. They can be a very difficult
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  thing to grasp, but so many people deal with this, this
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  exact phenomenon right here. What other people's
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  insecurities, not even your own, are dictating the quality of
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  your life, right? Maybe this happened to so many
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  people, Y'all excuse me, This does happen to so many people.
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  They're like all these regrets that people have.
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  You know, you can rectify it now.
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  From this point forward, choose to live the life that you want
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  to live. There's a book called by Bronny
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  Ware called Top five regrets of the of the passing away.
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  It's DYING. But the the number one regret
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  that people have is I wish I had the courage to live the life I
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  wanted to live and not the life that others expected of me.
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  So take the photo. What what it is y'all?
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  I hope you get out if you want to get out.
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  I hope you thrive. I hope you survive again.
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  Yeah, my one on ones are mental illness.net.
• 12:05
  You can use the code mental 10 MENT AL10 for 10% off y'all for
• 12:10
  the coaching sessions and things like that.
• 12:12
  Hit the subscribe button and I'm out.
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  Peace, before you leave make sure to hit that subscribe
• 12:17
  button if you haven't. It just helps us reach more
• 12:19
  people. Also everything I have is
• 12:21
  available at mentalillness.net, my coaching, my courses.
• 12:25
  I have a couple of courses that can help you understand and help
• 12:27
  you heal and also have a support group all available at
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  mentalillness.net. Check my site off everything
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  y'all and I will see y'all later.
• 12:34
  Peace.