Latest / Becoming / Mitch Whiting: The Problem Is Never the Problem

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Mitch Whiting: The Problem Is Never the Problem · Becoming

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Speaker 1: There's no such thing as a good day or a
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Speaker 1: bad childhood or a bad boss. You're responsible for everything
0:06
Speaker 1: in your life. And the mind goes, well, what about
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Speaker 1: like the trauma, or what about the abuse, or what
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Speaker 1: about these hard things that someone might have experienced.
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Speaker 2: Life isn't happening you know? To you, it's happening for you,
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Speaker 2: And you know, I've tried to remember that as going
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Speaker 2: through hard things of like, Okay, if this is happening
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Speaker 2: for me, then what am I supposed to learn from this?
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Speaker 2: How do I understand deeper this feeling or significance?
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Speaker 1: We stop believing that the things outside of our control
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Speaker 1: are the things creating our emotions, because if the things
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Speaker 1: outside of our control are creating our emotions, then we're victims.
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Speaker 1: We can't do anything about it because we can't control it.
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Speaker 1: And so the problem is never the problem. The problem
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Speaker 1: is always what you're believing about your experience.
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Speaker 2: Welcome back, everybody. This is above a page. I'm here
0:59
Speaker 2: with a Fatherhood Movement podcast. You guys, I'm excited today
1:02
Speaker 2: to have Mitch Whiting. Let me just read a part
1:05
Speaker 2: of his bio so I don't mess this up, because look,
1:07
Speaker 2: he's an internationally recognized performance coach. He's really dedicated to
1:12
Speaker 2: helping family centered leaders live with passion, deepen their relationships,
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Speaker 2: and make more money. I think those are things we
1:19
Speaker 2: all want to do in a world that glorifies the
1:23
Speaker 2: endless hustle. Mitch teaches that true success is defined by
1:27
Speaker 2: our ability to be deeply present, something that I've been
1:30
Speaker 2: trying to do more and more over the last few
1:33
Speaker 2: years for sure. So what he does, though, he shifts
1:36
Speaker 2: high performers away from traditional metrics, equips him to unlock
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Speaker 2: genuine freedom in mind of mind and helps clients rewire
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Speaker 2: their brains for permanent change so that you don't even
1:50
Speaker 2: have to read or rely on the self help books
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Speaker 2: ever again. All right, he's an entrepreneur, he's a husband,
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Speaker 2: he's a father. He's an endurance athlete, which I need
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Speaker 2: or more about in a man of faith, which I love.
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Speaker 2: So he's got over two decades of personal development experience
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Speaker 2: and helping and coaching from the hard earned lessons he's
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Speaker 2: going to share with us today. Stick around. You're going
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Speaker 2: to love this show. I want to admit you to share.
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Speaker 2: The first thing is that core message that all of
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Speaker 2: these listeners can hear. What is that core piece before
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Speaker 2: we dive in.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, my core message is that true success is defined
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Speaker 1: by your ability to be deeply present, and fulfillment doesn't
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Speaker 1: come from achievement, as much as we hope and continue
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Speaker 1: to chase it, hoping that someday, once we're successful enough,
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Speaker 1: then we can be present. But actually being present is
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Speaker 1: being who you really are full time, and that's what
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Speaker 1: fulfillment really is. It's not getting what you want, which
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Speaker 1: is what success is, but fulfillment is becoming who you
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Speaker 1: really are. And so becoming there's two different paths that
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Speaker 1: people take, and the common path is to become better,
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Speaker 1: and I believe that you can't become better, but rather
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Speaker 1: you can only become more of who you really are
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Speaker 1: by returning to who you once were when you entered
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Speaker 1: this world.
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Speaker 2: This is deep and I love it. We're gonna have
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Speaker 2: some deep conversations here, you guys. So I want to
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Speaker 2: know why why did you come to this conclusion? Why
3:12
Speaker 2: are you helping people in this regard? I am excited
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Speaker 2: because I want to experience this type of thing and
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Speaker 2: know that I'm headed in the right direction. But why
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Speaker 2: where did this come from? For you?
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Speaker 1: Yeah? I had a rude awakening in twenty twenty one
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Speaker 1: when I was at a doctor's office and the nurse
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Speaker 1: was going through her new patient assessment form and my
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Speaker 1: wife was with me also as a new patient. We
3:35
Speaker 1: had just moved there to a new area, and the
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Speaker 1: doctor asked me a question that ended up changing the
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Speaker 1: rest of my life and ended up leaving me leading
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Speaker 1: me down this path to help others to do what
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Speaker 1: I do. And the question was very simple and I
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Speaker 1: didn't know it would be important at the end the moment.
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Speaker 1: She asked me, on a scale of one to ten, how.
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Speaker 2: Stressed are you?
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Speaker 1: And I have always relied on positivity because that's what
4:00
Speaker 1: I believed was one of my strengths. And I realized
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Speaker 1: that for me, as a high achiever, that positivity was
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Speaker 1: often an escape from truly healing, just silver lining all
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Speaker 1: the things in my life and saying everything's good, everything's
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Speaker 1: going to work out, everything's great, while ignoring the emotional
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Speaker 1: experience that I was actually pressing. And so I thought
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Speaker 1: about the answer to this question thoughtfully. I'm a thoughtful person,
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Speaker 1: and I said probably like a two out of ten
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Speaker 1: on my stress, and my wife fortunately interrupted, she's so
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Speaker 1: loving and so she doesn't mince words. She's very precise,
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Speaker 1: and she said, you're kidding, right, You're like a nine.
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Speaker 1: And so I'm so embarrassed my cheeks go red. I'm thinking,
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Speaker 1: this poor nurse is not a therapist. She doesn't deserve
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Speaker 1: to have to watch this conversation. I just agreed. I
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Speaker 1: was like, yeah, probably a nine, and we just moved on.
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Speaker 1: And a few weeks later, I was talking to one
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Speaker 1: of my mentors and expressing what I was feeling since
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Speaker 1: kind of realizing that I was far more stressed than
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Speaker 1: I really and he said, you know, we were talking
5:03
Speaker 1: on the phone, but it felt like he grabbed me
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Speaker 1: on my shoulders and shook me, and he, you know,
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Speaker 1: looked me in the eyes and said, you're Mitch Whiting.
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Speaker 2: You're a leader, you're.
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Speaker 1: A high performer, you love people like I've never seen before.
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Speaker 1: But do you realize you view yourself as a wounded bird?
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Speaker 2: And I was like, I don't know why.
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Speaker 1: I don't know what happened because I used to be
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Speaker 1: so happy and so fulfilled and so passionate about everything,
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Speaker 1: and yet I have this level of success that I
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Speaker 1: didn't even think was possible for myself, and yet I
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Speaker 1: still wasn't happy, and so I went on this journey
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Speaker 1: to find answers I wanted to find, like you know,
5:40
Speaker 1: of twenty years of obsession with self help, I read
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Speaker 1: every book you can imagine. My grandpa and great grandpa
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Speaker 1: worked with Dill Carnegie. My dad was in sales from
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Speaker 1: a young age, and he would pay me to read
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Speaker 1: books as a ten year old, and he didn't have
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Speaker 1: to pay me for long because I just loved it.
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Speaker 1: And I even remember as a teenager being distracted on
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Speaker 1: dates thinking of like, now we're on hike and I'm
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Speaker 1: thinking about the analogy of how the bat can see
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Speaker 1: light and darkness, and I'm like, I just love you know, these.
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Speaker 2: Content day persons that I'm like, yeah, exactly, Hey, I've
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Speaker 2: got a couple kids in the studio today with me.
6:11
Speaker 2: These guys do I pay you guys to read books.
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Speaker 2: I love that leaders or leaders, That's right, I love it. Anyway. Sorry,
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Speaker 2: look how many of us that are watching and listening
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Speaker 2: can relate to this piece of a wounded bird where
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Speaker 2: we've had such huge passion, happiness, growth potential and yet
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Speaker 2: we're not living up to that potential. I mean, I've
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Speaker 2: dealt with this. I don't know if you want to
6:37
Speaker 2: call it a sickness, if you want to call it
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Speaker 2: a negative mindset, I for sure have felt that, and
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Speaker 2: I'm sure one hundred percent of people out there have
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Speaker 2: felt this at some point. So you felt this piece,
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Speaker 2: you started going through the process of learning it for yourself,
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Speaker 2: and now that you've been able to achieve some of
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Speaker 2: those lessons learned, you're now teaching and coaching others to
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Speaker 2: do this.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, my metric of success was really building a resume
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Speaker 1: from a young age. For whatever reason, I had it
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Speaker 1: on my mind, like I need to prove myself to
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Speaker 1: the world so that I'll be liked, so that I'll
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Speaker 1: be loved, so that I can be successful, so that
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Speaker 1: I can retire early, so that I can make a
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Speaker 1: lot of money and do all the things that I
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Speaker 1: want to do. And achievement became the metric. And this
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Speaker 1: question changed my life because my metrics shifted. It was
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Speaker 1: now no longer what have I achieved? But the question
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Speaker 1: was how little am I suffering? And when you ask
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Speaker 1: yourself how much time you're spending in a suffering state,
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Speaker 1: First you have to understand that there are only two
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Speaker 1: emotional states that were in at any given time, there's
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Speaker 1: a suffering state and a powerful state. And if I
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Speaker 1: were to simplify the definition, we all know that a
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Speaker 1: suffering state is. We all know what it feels like
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Speaker 1: when an emotion just doesn't feel useful, right like, anger
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Speaker 1: can feel useful if there's an injustice happening, But anger
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Speaker 1: at a perceived injustice of something that's not actually happening
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Speaker 1: that we're victimizing ourselves doesn't feel useful. And we all
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Speaker 1: have it within us to know whether something feels useful
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Speaker 1: or not useful. And whenever we're in a state that
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Speaker 1: doesn't feel useful, we're in a suffering state. And when
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Speaker 1: we're in a state that does feel useful, we're in
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Speaker 1: a powerful state. Well, if we're only in one of
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Speaker 1: these two states, then the question is how do I
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Speaker 1: get rid of my suffering? Because your natural state is
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Speaker 1: a state of power. Michael Angelo described this process of
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Speaker 1: sculpting the statue David, and he said, I didn't sculpt David.
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Speaker 1: I took everything away that wasn't David. And that's the
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Speaker 1: journey of becoming who you really are, is to not
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Speaker 1: learn how to be powerful, even though the world of
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Speaker 1: self help teaches you like how to prime yourself how
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Speaker 1: to get to a powerful state, rather than if you
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Speaker 1: can get rid of everything that's not you, which is
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Speaker 1: stripping away or chiseling away the suffering, then you return
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Speaker 1: to your natural state of power that you once had
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Speaker 1: when you entered this world as a newborn baby, where
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Speaker 1: you're at peace and you were present, and you are curious,
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Speaker 1: and you're full of forgiveness and love and patience. That's
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Speaker 1: who we really are.
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Speaker 2: So, look, you're a young guy. I turned forty three
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Speaker 2: next month, and I feel like it wasn't just a
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Speaker 2: few years ago that I started realizing. And I think
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Speaker 2: a lot of my peers you hit thirty five or forty,
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Speaker 2: and it's like you want to find out who you
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Speaker 2: really are, or you want to go back to who
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Speaker 2: you were. And obviously went through a divorce, and a
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Speaker 2: lot of people go through these changes in life, and
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Speaker 2: I would, you know, suggest for people to not have
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Speaker 2: to do that, if they don't have to to be
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Speaker 2: able to realize the learnings that they can. The hope
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Speaker 2: is that couples can do this together and go back
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Speaker 2: to their natural state together, which I think would be
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Speaker 2: a much better experience if they can do that. So
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Speaker 2: I feel like a lot of us are suffering. Maybe
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Speaker 2: we are stuck in the victim mentality. I want you
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Speaker 2: to work with me. Yeah, right here live in the podcast.
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Speaker 2: I love it so that as you guys are listening
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Speaker 2: and watching, maybe you guys can visualize yourself and see
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Speaker 2: what Mitch could really do for you too. Are you
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Speaker 2: up for that?
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Speaker 1: I'm down.
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Speaker 2: Let's do it all right, I'm ready to be vulnerable.
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Speaker 2: I'm ready to be to get open. Here kids are
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Speaker 2: in the background. Hopefully you guys are okay with us.
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Speaker 2: You ready, I'm going to take a deep breath.
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Speaker 1: Yeah. I'd love to start by answering you know this
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Speaker 1: question that you're looking at, which is you know, at
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Speaker 1: this age, you're trying to over the last few years,
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Speaker 1: figure out who am I or how can I return
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Speaker 1: to a future a previous version of myself and one
10:36
Speaker 1: of my clients, as I was teaching her, you know
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Speaker 1: who she really is, which is a core foundation of
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Speaker 1: this work. She ended up going on a vacation for
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Speaker 1: her fifteenth year anniversary to Hawaii, supposed to be their
10:48
Speaker 1: ten uere COVID disrupted those plans, and so five years
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Speaker 1: later they finally made it to Hawaii. This is a
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Speaker 1: mother of six kids, similar to having eight kids, and
10:58
Speaker 1: she's exhausted. You know, she's got a lot going on.
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Speaker 1: And if anyone deserved a morning to sleep in, it
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Speaker 1: was my client. And jet Lag had other plans. And
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Speaker 1: she's lying awake in Hawaii at three thirty in the morning.
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Speaker 1: It's pitch black, and she's just like, no, I do
11:14
Speaker 1: not want to be awake right now. She doesn't want
11:15
Speaker 1: to get up because she doesn't want to wake up
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Speaker 1: her husband. And she just lays there and thinks, what
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Speaker 1: can I do? And she thought of the one thing
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Speaker 1: that she could do, which was to say a prayer.
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Speaker 1: So she said a prayer, and she asked God if
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Speaker 1: there was a reason why he wanted her awake, if
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Speaker 1: there was something that he wanted to tell her. She listened,
11:34
Speaker 1: and then she thought, maybe I'll ask an even more
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Speaker 1: specific question. And the question just came out of her
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Speaker 1: and surprised her. And the question she asked, is who
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Speaker 1: am I? That's the question that we do want to know.
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Speaker 1: It's one of the greatest questions, one of the deepest
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Speaker 1: philosophical questions in the entire history of the world, that
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Speaker 1: all the greatest philosophers have tried to wrap their mind
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Speaker 1: around and in a beautiful and sacred moment, she immediately
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Speaker 1: got a response from God. She said, who am I?
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Speaker 1: And God responded, think of your best moments, that's who
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Speaker 1: you really are. She got so emotional as her brain
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Speaker 1: started reeling through the memories of the best moments where
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Speaker 1: she showed up as the best mother, the best wife,
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Speaker 1: the best daughter, the best person that she is, and
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Speaker 1: all these beautiful moments of where she felt stunning and
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Speaker 1: beautiful or passionate or curious or forgiving, And all of
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Speaker 1: a sudden, she started having a catalog of the experiences
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Speaker 1: where she realized who she really was, which wasn't her mistakes,
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Speaker 1: which wasn't the times that she wasn't present or overwhelmed
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Speaker 1: or frustrated. And this idea that Michelangelo taught us is
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Speaker 1: the same idea that Jesus taught us when he said
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Speaker 1: to become as a little child. A little child isn't better,
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Speaker 1: and a little child doesn't need to in the morning,
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Speaker 1: read ten pages, hop into cold plunge, listen to a podcast,
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Speaker 1: get some exercise in to then feel primed and alive
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Speaker 1: for the day. They're already they they really are because
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Speaker 1: they haven't yet picked up the lies that way of
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Speaker 1: this world that create.
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Speaker 2: All of our suffering. That's beautiful.
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Speaker 1: So let's dive in and let's become more child. You
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Speaker 1: feel more like who you are.
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Speaker 2: I love that. I mean, this is something where we
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Speaker 2: talked about this earlier. I want to do what God
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Speaker 2: wants me to do. I want to be an instrument
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Speaker 2: in God's hands. I want to share his love with
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Speaker 2: other people. I know that I signed up for a
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Speaker 2: mission before I came to this earth. I truly believe
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Speaker 2: I signed a contract and I agreed to the millions
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Speaker 2: of things that I would do on this earth. And
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Speaker 2: every so often I feel like, am I failing? Am
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Speaker 2: I not doing it right? Am I? And so that
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Speaker 2: questioning I try to stay on the right path, But
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Speaker 2: sometimes I'm like, Okay, I have had to suffer like everyone.
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Speaker 2: I feel like it's part of God's plan to suffer
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Speaker 2: so that we can become more like our savior who
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Speaker 2: had to suffer. But it's put it in life into
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Speaker 2: a different perspective over the last few years, and I'm
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Speaker 2: sure that people listening to watching can relate to having
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Speaker 2: to suffer in some way, shape or form. So let's
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Speaker 2: dive in. Let's do this.
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Speaker 1: So the question that I would have for you is
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Speaker 1: what suffering or resistance are you experiencing right now in
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Speaker 1: your life? Which requires vulnerability? But all a radical transformation
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Speaker 1: begins with vulnerability.
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Speaker 2: I think vulnerability breeds connection, So hopefully we're going to
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Speaker 2: connect connect with people. So some of the suffering or
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Speaker 2: the areas of life where I feel like I am
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Speaker 2: struggling with would be You know, am I fulfilling God's
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Speaker 2: will on a daily, weekly, monthly basis raising eight kids
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Speaker 2: as a single dad, co parenting with their mom? Am
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Speaker 2: I doing what they need? How often? Am I failing?
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Speaker 2: You know? What they need? And so I worry about that?
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Speaker 2: How am I? Maybe this is too many? Am I worthy?
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Speaker 2: Am I just worthy of God's love? Am I worthy
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Speaker 2: of his direction? I know the answer is yes, But
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Speaker 2: you know, am I? Am I doing everything I should
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Speaker 2: be all the time? And of course I make mistakes too,
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Speaker 2: so and then I think I had growing up. I
15:15
Speaker 2: don't know why I learned this, but I think I
15:17
Speaker 2: felt like I had to earn love and that ended
15:21
Speaker 2: up showing up in our marriage as well, where I
15:23
Speaker 2: felt like I had to earn love and I would
15:26
Speaker 2: have wouldn't have never learned that about myself without going
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Speaker 2: to therapy and having coaches and healing retreats that made
15:33
Speaker 2: me do a deeper dive into my own healing. So
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Speaker 2: I don't know if that's Is this the level of
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Speaker 2: vulnerability here?
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Speaker 1: Yeah, And there's some language that's being revealed in every
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Speaker 1: single one of those that's the same across everything you
15:46
Speaker 1: listed in one saying that I'm seeing and it's a
15:49
Speaker 1: focus on doing, and it comes back to what you've identified,
15:51
Speaker 1: which is earning love. If I do everything that God
15:55
Speaker 1: wants me to do, if I set out to do
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Speaker 1: everything I promised God I would do, then all be
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Speaker 1: worthy of his love. And I want to do everything
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Speaker 1: in my marriage. I want to do everything for my kids,
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Speaker 1: you know, and help them to do the things that
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Speaker 1: they are meant to do. And the shift that I
16:14
Speaker 1: have found to be most profound in my life is
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Speaker 1: a shift not a way from doing, because doing all
16:20
Speaker 1: of our actions are important, because our actions ultimately create
16:23
Speaker 1: our results. We're either acting or distracting ourselves, and the
16:29
Speaker 1: results that we have in the world are either for
16:32
Speaker 1: good or for bad. Right, we have an influence, and
16:35
Speaker 1: that's what you want really you want to influence in
16:37
Speaker 1: your relationships and with God for good. And when we
16:41
Speaker 1: focus on the doing that gets interrupted. We find ourselves
16:48
Speaker 1: when we're stressed and overwhelmed. Do we show up the
16:51
Speaker 1: same way we want to? The answer is no, everything
16:54
Speaker 1: falls apart. And so the world of self help focuses
16:57
Speaker 1: on habits and system so that we can create a
17:01
Speaker 1: system of doing certain things and stacking certain behaviors so
17:04
Speaker 1: they become natural. But what it misses is what's what's behind,
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Speaker 1: and actually what drives our actions is our emotional experience.
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Speaker 1: Because when you're in a powerful state, when you're in
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Speaker 1: a state of love and of patience and of curiosity
17:20
Speaker 1: and understanding and resourcefulness and selfless service, how do you
17:25
Speaker 1: show up as a father?
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Speaker 2: I think you show up the best way possible.
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Speaker 1: Is it hard to do the thing you want to do?
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Speaker 1: And what about in your relationship with God? Is it
17:36
Speaker 1: hard to pray? Or in your fitness? Is it hard
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Speaker 1: to exercise? When you're feeling you're a powerful state?
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Speaker 2: It all flows.
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Speaker 1: It's easy, right, It's it's natural, and so it's impossible
17:47
Speaker 1: to create powerfully from a suffering state. But from a
17:50
Speaker 1: powerful state you can do nothing but create powerfully. And
17:53
Speaker 1: so the question is, how do we shift our emotional
17:56
Speaker 1: state from a suffering state to a powerful state, Because
17:59
Speaker 1: all all of my problems, all of your problems in
18:02
Speaker 1: your life, in all those five areas, only come from
18:05
Speaker 1: the moments where you're in a suffering state.
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Speaker 2: Fascinating. So the concepts of earlier in my life, Let's say,
18:12
Speaker 2: as an entrepreneur, I was naive enough to not think
18:15
Speaker 2: I would ever fail. So I just went I did
18:19
Speaker 2: and accomplished, right, had success with my very first company.
18:22
Speaker 2: I was able to sell, which is crazy, that's not normal. Yeah,
18:26
Speaker 2: And then it's like, now that I had that experience,
18:29
Speaker 2: I went out and did another one and it didn't
18:31
Speaker 2: pan out, and it's like, oh my gosh, failure is real.
18:35
Speaker 2: And it threw me for an incredible emotional downturn. I
18:39
Speaker 2: think it was the first time I felt anxiety and
18:41
Speaker 2: depression my entire life. And I thought to myself, if
18:44
Speaker 2: I'm the entrepreneur and I just failed, then what am I?
18:49
Speaker 2: I literally was thinking through this process that was in
18:51
Speaker 2: twenty sixteen ish seventeen, and I had to come to
18:54
Speaker 2: Jesus like I literally had a turning of heart back
18:57
Speaker 2: to him. My Creator, and it was a rebirth, a
19:02
Speaker 2: new awakening for me from a spiritual standpoint. That's when
19:07
Speaker 2: I started going to the temple every week. It's when
19:08
Speaker 2: I started really studying. Before I was just kind of
19:11
Speaker 2: going about and I was an active member of the
19:14
Speaker 2: Church of Jesus Christ letterty Saints. But like for me,
19:17
Speaker 2: that was at turning point spiritually. Even my goals in
19:20
Speaker 2: life changed at that point. But now, even now where
19:26
Speaker 2: I've had a level of success, I now I have
19:30
Speaker 2: more fear than I ever did.
19:31
Speaker 1: In the new ventures and the things you're trying to create.
19:34
Speaker 2: I feel inspired by God to even do this podcast
19:38
Speaker 2: and the Fatherhoodmovement dot com. Like, I feel like I'm
19:41
Speaker 2: supposed to do this, and yet I'm still scared.
19:46
Speaker 1: And what are you afraid of? If you were to first, actually,
19:49
Speaker 1: what I would have you do is to feel it, Okay,
19:52
Speaker 1: right now, for ninety seconds, an emotion only lasts for
19:54
Speaker 1: ninety seconds. In our bodies, we're all capable of feeling
19:57
Speaker 1: it for ninety seconds. And that's not to say that
19:59
Speaker 1: we can't feel something for longer ninety seconds. But if
20:02
Speaker 1: you will, I do this every day allow myself when
20:05
Speaker 1: suffering comes up, I just to say, I'm going to
20:07
Speaker 1: feel it fully for ninety seconds, the worst thoughts, the
20:09
Speaker 1: worst feelings. I'm just gonna let it come and tell me.
20:13
Speaker 1: Is it fear that you're failing? It sounds like it is. Yeah,
20:16
Speaker 1: feel that fear and tell me why are you afraid
20:18
Speaker 1: or what are you afraid of?
20:19
Speaker 2: As I can just I can go for it. Fear
20:21
Speaker 2: of failure, Fear of misrepresenting either me or my faith,
20:26
Speaker 2: especially on accident, not meaning to but doing something sharing
20:33
Speaker 2: online is very vulnerable, especially when I'm incorporating faith and
20:38
Speaker 2: Jesus as a Christ centered program. I hope the Fatherhood
20:43
Speaker 2: movement is, but fear of failure is probably the number one.
20:48
Speaker 1: What's the problem with failing for you? Why would that
20:50
Speaker 1: be a problem.
20:51
Speaker 2: That's what's crazy. Is I even teach these principles that
20:54
Speaker 2: knowing failure it can be good, and as an entrepreneur,
20:57
Speaker 2: fail fast because then you can just iterate and pivot
20:59
Speaker 2: and move. I think I was really hit hard when that,
21:04
Speaker 2: when that start up in two thousand and sixty.
21:06
Speaker 1: Now, why was that such a problem?
21:07
Speaker 2: What happened? I had rolled my entire identity into being
21:11
Speaker 2: an entrepreneur instead of being a son of God and
21:17
Speaker 2: I had to rip that part away, and it took
21:21
Speaker 2: me a long time years to feel more comfortable as
21:27
Speaker 2: just just a son of God, even though that's the
21:31
Speaker 2: greatest thing, but just and saying, okay, maybe the entrepreneur
21:37
Speaker 2: thing was just that isn't just me, but the son
21:41
Speaker 2: of that who I am. It's something that I'm doing.
21:44
Speaker 2: But I didn't do that before. It was who I
21:47
Speaker 2: felt I was. And when that didn't come to fruition,
21:53
Speaker 2: I mean, it has to be there if I'm still
21:55
Speaker 2: afraid of failing, right, it has to be some there.
21:58
Speaker 2: But I feel like there was years of me trying
21:59
Speaker 2: to work through and the honest truth of I didn't
22:03
Speaker 2: even care about financial success after that, when I was
22:05
Speaker 2: having the spiritual awakening and this rebirth moment, I was like,
22:10
Speaker 2: you know what, sufficient for my needs. Sufficient for my
22:14
Speaker 2: needs is all I needed at the time. And it's
22:17
Speaker 2: funny because that became that was a difficult part of
22:23
Speaker 2: our relationship, was my shift in priorities that I was
22:29
Speaker 2: trying to just focus on what God wanted me to
22:31
Speaker 2: do and how to do that, and I wasn't as
22:36
Speaker 2: I wasn't as driven from a financial component, and so
22:43
Speaker 2: you know, that's not who I was earlier totally. And
22:47
Speaker 2: so as I was maturing and growing up as an adult,
22:51
Speaker 2: realizing that that financial driven success and passion wasn't the same,
22:59
Speaker 2: and I think that was scary.
23:01
Speaker 1: Because now your motivation to make money is what.
23:06
Speaker 2: Way less important. It helped to have had structure and
23:12
Speaker 2: systems and our needs were being.
23:16
Speaker 1: Met, yes, And so now in these new ventures, because
23:19
Speaker 1: you're still creating, you're still an entrepreneur. It's just it's
23:22
Speaker 1: less of your identity. But you're still important to you
23:24
Speaker 1: and it's something that you're doing. So when you think about,
23:29
Speaker 1: like why you're trying to make money, because as an entrepreneur,
23:33
Speaker 1: we make money, it's less motivated by money. What is
23:36
Speaker 1: the motivation today? I hope to be one fulfilling what
23:40
Speaker 1: God wants me to do and helping others to not
23:43
Speaker 1: necessarily either have to go through the pain that I
23:45
Speaker 1: did or to learn it faster more efficiently than I did.
23:49
Speaker 1: So now you're coming back to what you said in
23:50
Speaker 1: the beginning, which is that you want to do the
23:53
Speaker 1: things that God wants.
23:54
Speaker 2: You to do absolutely, Because look, if I can help
23:57
Speaker 2: one marriage stay together, if I can or if somebody
24:00
Speaker 2: has already gone through a divorse. If I can help
24:03
Speaker 2: them heal faster so that they can get back on
24:06
Speaker 2: their feet and back of their confidence, Oh my gosh,
24:08
Speaker 2: Like that is pod much joy. And even with the
24:12
Speaker 2: business poot camp dot com that I have, like, I
24:15
Speaker 2: want to help people with financial abundance, and so if
24:18
Speaker 2: I can help them get a little side gig going,
24:20
Speaker 2: if I can help them, you know, if they leave
24:22
Speaker 2: their corporate gig and do something like that's incredible and
24:26
Speaker 2: it changes their lives for the future. So all of
24:30
Speaker 2: those are more motivated for those reasons. And yes, do
24:33
Speaker 2: I want to you know, do I need it or
24:36
Speaker 2: want it to be profitable? Yes? Is that my ultimate goal?
24:40
Speaker 2: It needs to run and to run a business has
24:42
Speaker 2: to be profitable. But I hope and feel like my
24:46
Speaker 2: heart has gotten to the place where I want to
24:49
Speaker 2: help people. And I don't know if that's just a
24:52
Speaker 2: stage of life phase. I don't know if that's because
24:55
Speaker 2: of the pain that I had to go through that
24:57
Speaker 2: I would hope others can learn without having to.
24:59
Speaker 1: Go through that your crap reveals your craft. There you
25:01
Speaker 1: go that often the things that we go through that
25:03
Speaker 1: are hard and are painful and are dirty and are
25:05
Speaker 1: messy that we end up on the other side of
25:08
Speaker 1: become part of our mission and the way that we
25:10
Speaker 1: can help others. We can feel more empathy for them.
25:12
Speaker 1: But also we love people more because we have less
25:15
Speaker 1: of a judgmental mind, because we're like I've been there,
25:18
Speaker 1: and I've maybe been, you know, worse than where they are,
25:21
Speaker 1: or I've been different from where they are, and.
25:22
Speaker 2: So I just want to love them. I have felt
25:24
Speaker 2: so blessed. One of the experiences going through some of
25:27
Speaker 2: the heartache is that I feel like I was given
25:30
Speaker 2: a gift. Not all the time, but every so often.
25:32
Speaker 2: I can see people, I think in the way that
25:34
Speaker 2: maybe Jesus would see them, and so knowing that they're
25:37
Speaker 2: going through something hard, or knowing that they're struggling with X,
25:40
Speaker 2: y Z, or even if this person is or persons
25:43
Speaker 2: are attacking totally, I'm able to see with a different
25:48
Speaker 2: set of eyes, with more charity, and that charity of
25:51
Speaker 2: like it's as if one of my children we're throwing
25:56
Speaker 2: a tantrum, which you guys are old enough, you guys
25:58
Speaker 2: don't do this very much anymore. But if they were
26:00
Speaker 2: throwing a tantrum instead of me being frustrated and defensive,
26:05
Speaker 2: and I just want to go give them a hug,
26:08
Speaker 2: just say like, you are so loved. And I can
26:10
Speaker 2: feel that now with other adults, which I didn't have
26:14
Speaker 2: that gift before. And if I can say I'm grateful
26:18
Speaker 2: for the suffering, that's one of those that I feel
26:22
Speaker 2: like I wouldn't take back.
26:25
Speaker 1: My wife and I through the trauma and the tragedies
26:27
Speaker 1: that we've been through. We will never say that we're
26:30
Speaker 1: glad they happened, but we can say we're grateful for
26:33
Speaker 1: the purpose that we found in it.
26:34
Speaker 2: And that's what you're feeling.
26:36
Speaker 1: The meaning that you've assigned to it empowers you to
26:38
Speaker 1: then go help and serve and love others. And so
26:41
Speaker 1: I want to come back to this fear that you
26:43
Speaker 1: feel when you feel it, the you know, what you're
26:46
Speaker 1: saying is I'm afraid of failing. And then your brain says, oh,
26:50
Speaker 1: but I already know this, Like I teach this right,
26:52
Speaker 1: You're like, I already share this. And there's you know.
26:55
Speaker 1: In my book that I'm writing, I talk about how
26:58
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter what you know because what you know
27:02
Speaker 1: isn't always what you feel. It matters what you believe
27:05
Speaker 1: because if you remember what we talked about is our
27:06
Speaker 1: emotional state drives all of our behaviors, and so it
27:09
Speaker 1: matters what we believe because our beliefs ultimately dictate our
27:12
Speaker 1: emotional state, and then our emotional state dictates our actions.
27:15
Speaker 1: If you know something is true, but you don't believe it,
27:17
Speaker 1: then you don't act in alignment with that, which.
27:19
Speaker 2: Is why you're experiencing.
27:21
Speaker 1: You're suffering with fear even though you know failure can
27:25
Speaker 1: be a good thing. And so I want to know
27:26
Speaker 1: why is failure a problem for you? What are you
27:29
Speaker 1: afraid of?
27:30
Speaker 2: So? I think there was a confident Bubba that lasted
27:33
Speaker 2: for a long time. You know, in my early adulthood,
27:37
Speaker 2: even as a child, I was always a confident one.
27:40
Speaker 2: I'd walk up to the ice cream man and talk
27:42
Speaker 2: to anybody in the line and make friends with anybody around.
27:45
Speaker 2: I was just that guy or that little kid. Yes,
27:48
Speaker 2: I was positive. I was happy, just the way you were.
27:50
Speaker 2: I was just that was me, and everybody knew it.
27:53
Speaker 2: This is Bubba. Everybody's friends with Bubba. My mom would
27:56
Speaker 2: ask what are their names? And I'd make them up
27:58
Speaker 2: because I didn't know their names. But we're all friends.
28:00
Speaker 2: That's amazing, and that is who I am to my core.
28:05
Speaker 2: I think going through some of the suffering of whether
28:07
Speaker 2: it's a failed business or a failed relationship or whatever
28:09
Speaker 2: it is, or loss of somebody that you love or
28:12
Speaker 2: whatever it is, someone's going through what I lost a
28:16
Speaker 2: ton of confidence in myself, a ton, and I've been
28:21
Speaker 2: in this rebuilding process of rebuilding my confidence and hopefully
28:27
Speaker 2: building in the right foundations and not just in financial
28:31
Speaker 2: or entrepreneurial success. It's interesting when I hear you talk
28:34
Speaker 2: about knowing who you were and who you really are,
28:37
Speaker 2: which was that child version of you. That's just freaking awesome, right.
28:41
Speaker 2: It just loves everybody as friends, as everybody as fearless
28:44
Speaker 2: can be, right, the NFL quarterback and the firefighter and
28:47
Speaker 2: the astronaut, Like, whatever you want to do, you just
28:49
Speaker 2: went and did it, and you brought people along, and
28:52
Speaker 2: you have this knowing inside you that that's who you are,
28:55
Speaker 2: that's how you came. And then there's this language earlier
28:58
Speaker 2: in the podcast where you shared that you succeeded and
29:02
Speaker 2: you you know, did all these things that worked out
29:05
Speaker 2: really well because you were naive, And now you're not
29:08
Speaker 2: naive anymore because you've failed and how does it feel
29:14
Speaker 2: when like, what emotion do you feel when you think
29:17
Speaker 2: I was just now I succeeded because I was naive?
29:20
Speaker 2: What emotion does that create for you? Oh? It's almost
29:25
Speaker 2: like a longing to go back there. It's it's interesting
29:29
Speaker 2: because the lessons learned, I know are so valuable and
29:33
Speaker 2: I wouldn't trade it, but there is a longing of
29:36
Speaker 2: like if I only just didn't know.
29:38
Speaker 1: Yeah, so let me ask you now. Now, another way
29:41
Speaker 1: to say this is I'm not naive anymore, so I
29:45
Speaker 1: can't go back. How does that feel?
29:48
Speaker 2: Interesting?
29:48
Speaker 1: Because you can't erase your memory. Nope, You're not going
29:51
Speaker 1: to go back to that naivity, right, And so now
29:54
Speaker 1: part of the problem that you're articulating for yourself is
29:57
Speaker 1: that I'm not naive anymore, and so I can't act
30:02
Speaker 1: and I can't dream, and I can't pursue in the
30:04
Speaker 1: same way.
30:04
Speaker 2: That I used to.
30:05
Speaker 1: Yeah, what emotion does that create for you?
30:07
Speaker 2: Interesting? That probably brings the way the way you phrased
30:10
Speaker 2: it makes me sad, like because that's probably a belief.
30:16
Speaker 1: Really Yeah, if it's creating an emotion, it means you
30:18
Speaker 1: do believe.
30:19
Speaker 2: It, and so that makes me sad.
30:21
Speaker 1: Yeah, and is that madness stuck? There is that sadness
30:24
Speaker 1: feel useful or not useful of course, so it's limiting,
30:27
Speaker 1: it's not expansive, which means that it's a suffering state.
30:30
Speaker 1: So here's where things get really interesting. One of the
30:33
Speaker 1: things that I've found is that all suffering, emotional suffering,
30:38
Speaker 1: doesn't count touching the stove. That's that's pain suffering. All
30:42
Speaker 1: emotional suffering comes from believing something that's not true. All
30:48
Speaker 1: suffering comes from believing things that are not true, which
30:51
Speaker 1: means that one percent of the time when we're in
30:55
Speaker 1: a suffering state, the thinking that we have is a
30:58
Speaker 1: flat outlly, whoa, it's unintelligent, it's untrue.
31:02
Speaker 2: Well it sounds like something the eversary would do.
31:04
Speaker 1: That's right. See, it's so good, so good at we
31:08
Speaker 1: just yet. And part of it, too, is that the
31:11
Speaker 1: majority of our beliefs are formed before the age of
31:13
Speaker 1: seven years old. I don't call this a problem, because
31:17
Speaker 1: I believe it's by divine design. But I do called
31:19
Speaker 1: the challenge because our frontal lobe, a rational part of
31:22
Speaker 1: our brain, isn't fully developed until age twenty five, so
31:26
Speaker 1: we had no offense to both of us. We had tiny,
31:29
Speaker 1: unintelligent brains right as kids. And a belief is the
31:33
Speaker 1: meaning you assigned to your experience, and so we were
31:35
Speaker 1: assigning meaning to our experience and developing the majority of
31:38
Speaker 1: our beliefs. And your beliefs are also the lens by
31:41
Speaker 1: which you perceive reality, which means that your lens, your beliefs,
31:46
Speaker 1: will your brain will look for anything and everything as
31:49
Speaker 1: evidence to support our beliefs, even though they're not true.
31:54
Speaker 2: Fascinating.
31:54
Speaker 1: And so you have this experience that was beautiful and
31:58
Speaker 1: fun and successful and thriving and passionate and curious and unafraid,
32:03
Speaker 1: and then you are exposed to a different circumstance that
32:06
Speaker 1: all of a sudden you're feeling fearful and not naive anymore,
32:12
Speaker 1: Like this is the real world. Naivity is to say
32:15
Speaker 1: I didn't really understand how things really were, and so
32:18
Speaker 1: I could operate in this powerful state. But now that
32:21
Speaker 1: I understand how hard and difficult and challenging things really are,
32:24
Speaker 1: I just can't take the kind of risk and the
32:26
Speaker 1: kind of action, the kind of doing that I used
32:29
Speaker 1: to take interesting. And the question is if it creates
32:32
Speaker 1: a suffering, is it true? Is it true that you're
32:36
Speaker 1: actually not naive anymore that the world really is harder
32:42
Speaker 1: than you used to believe, or is it true that
32:44
Speaker 1: actually there's more possibility and more power and more creativity
32:49
Speaker 1: that's accessible at any moment, just like you used to experience, and.
32:54
Speaker 2: Maybe even more powerful than what it was based on
32:57
Speaker 2: that experience that you have. If I were to, if
33:01
Speaker 2: I are to answer that question, I would look at
33:04
Speaker 2: the mindset. That negative mindset comes straight from Satan. I mean,
33:09
Speaker 2: if I'm thinking as a God fearing man, as faith totally,
33:13
Speaker 2: you know, faith hopefully faith filled men, that these are
33:17
Speaker 2: the negative thoughts that Satan puts in her minds to
33:19
Speaker 2: drag us down slowly but surely.
33:22
Speaker 1: And the Bible says that God did not give you
33:24
Speaker 1: the spirit of fear, but the spirit of power and
33:28
Speaker 1: of love and of a sound mind. The way I
33:30
Speaker 1: look at this is that the spirit of fear is
33:32
Speaker 1: what I call the suffering state, and the spirit of
33:34
Speaker 1: power is this powerful state that I talk about. And
33:37
Speaker 1: if it didn't come from God, it comes from the
33:39
Speaker 1: Father of all lies. When we believe a lie, we
33:43
Speaker 1: move into the spirit of fear. But the God gives
33:46
Speaker 1: the spirit of power and of love and of a
33:48
Speaker 1: sound mind. A sound mind is a mind that has sound,
33:52
Speaker 1: accurate or true thinking. And when you know the truth,
33:55
Speaker 1: as Jesus said, the truth shall make you free. Free
33:58
Speaker 1: And so we can come back and say, hey, I'm
34:00
Speaker 1: in a spirit of fear, which is exactly what you're experiencing,
34:03
Speaker 1: which means I must be believing a lie. Well what
34:06
Speaker 1: am I afraid of? And it's I'm not naive anymore,
34:09
Speaker 1: and so I can't show up the way I used to.
34:13
Speaker 1: And we know with one hundred percent certainty that that
34:16
Speaker 1: must not be true, that the world isn't actually the
34:19
Speaker 1: way you've been viewing it, That you're not doomed to
34:23
Speaker 1: fail because you now know things are harder than you
34:25
Speaker 1: once thought they were, but something else, some form of
34:28
Speaker 1: the opposite, must be true.
34:30
Speaker 2: This is fascinating because I'm sure there are others that
34:33
Speaker 2: are listening that have had the same thing, whether it's
34:36
Speaker 2: in their career, whether it's in their marriage, whether it's
34:39
Speaker 2: in their athletic abilities, whatever it is, that this negative
34:44
Speaker 2: mindset has come about, and they've been stuck. They've been
34:49
Speaker 2: stuck thinking in this negative format because we believe it's true,
34:53
Speaker 2: because we believe the lie, and if we believe the lie.
34:57
Speaker 2: Satan grabs a hold of our true potential and holds
35:02
Speaker 2: us down as long as we allow him to.
35:05
Speaker 1: And what that really is is that we live in
35:09
Speaker 1: a suffering state which prevents us from doing all the
35:14
Speaker 1: things that we know God wants us to do and
35:15
Speaker 1: we want to do, because it's not about doing, it's
35:18
Speaker 1: about being. When you're in a powerful state, the doing
35:20
Speaker 1: comes naturally. You don't even have to worry about it.
35:22
Speaker 1: But if we can stay in a suffering state by
35:25
Speaker 1: believing lies, then we're stuck not doing the things, fulfilling
35:29
Speaker 1: the fear that we end up having, which is not
35:31
Speaker 1: fulfilling the will of God.
35:33
Speaker 2: And that ultimate potential has been thwarted by Satan, which
35:38
Speaker 2: is exactly his goal.
35:39
Speaker 1: There's an interesting I have an amazing mentor. His name
35:44
Speaker 1: is Nicki, and he is a tai chi master. He
35:48
Speaker 1: is like my mister Miyagi. I met him in a
35:51
Speaker 1: retreat and I asked him. He was even offered to
35:54
Speaker 1: fly him out quarterly to my house in Arkansas, because
35:56
Speaker 1: I was like, I got to learn from this guy.
35:58
Speaker 1: He's so unbelievable and he's so humble. You like declined
36:00
Speaker 1: and it's like, oh, I don't.
36:02
Speaker 2: I don't do that.
36:02
Speaker 1: I just do my own personal practice. And we've become
36:05
Speaker 1: close friends, and I've learned so much from him, And
36:07
Speaker 1: one of the things that he shared with me is
36:08
Speaker 1: the difference between self and ego. Self. Well, I'll start
36:14
Speaker 1: with ego. When someone says someone's egotistical, what do you
36:18
Speaker 1: think they're typically trying to say about that person?
36:21
Speaker 2: Oh, maybe that they're boastful, or they're cocky, they think
36:25
Speaker 2: too much of themselves, they're greater than others.
36:28
Speaker 1: Yes, so good. So if ego is thinking too much
36:31
Speaker 1: of yourself or a lot of words, A lot of
36:34
Speaker 1: times we'll use words like self centered or self absorbed,
36:39
Speaker 1: or full of themselves. Someone who has a big ego,
36:43
Speaker 1: we actually completely misunderstand who we really are. And I'll
36:46
Speaker 1: explain this. If self is over here on the left side, right,
36:51
Speaker 1: we're separating these words and these identities, and ego is
36:54
Speaker 1: here on the right side. They're two different things. To
36:57
Speaker 1: call ego self centered when it's not centered in self,
37:04
Speaker 1: or self absorbed when it's not actually absorbed with self. Actually,
37:08
Speaker 1: we get this whole thing backwards, that ego and self
37:11
Speaker 1: are opposites. When we're in a suffering state. In other words,
37:15
Speaker 1: we're not self absorbed. We're void of ourselves. When we're
37:18
Speaker 1: in a suffering state and we're making those mistakes and
37:20
Speaker 1: doing those things that we wish we didn't do, that's
37:22
Speaker 1: not who we really are. All growing up, I used
37:24
Speaker 1: to say I hate myself. My mom reminded me this
37:26
Speaker 1: of a few years ago, and I just wept because
37:28
Speaker 1: I was like, I can't believe I just said that.
37:30
Speaker 1: Why did I feel that way? And it was because
37:32
Speaker 1: I got this confused. I thought that when I made
37:34
Speaker 1: mistakes and I did things that I told myself I
37:36
Speaker 1: wouldn't do, I thought that that's who I was, right,
37:40
Speaker 1: the self absorbed or the full of themselves. But the
37:45
Speaker 1: reality is is going back to what my client experienced
37:48
Speaker 1: in Hawaii, is that you are who you are in
37:51
Speaker 1: your best moments. You are who you are in a
37:54
Speaker 1: powerful state. And if we want to live in a
37:55
Speaker 1: powerful state full time, we don't learn to be powerful
37:59
Speaker 1: because a big doesn't have to learn how to be
38:01
Speaker 1: at peace, they just learn how to suffer. So the
38:04
Speaker 1: key is to unlearn the lies that are creating our suffering.
38:08
Speaker 1: As we let them go, we return to our natural
38:10
Speaker 1: state of power.
38:11
Speaker 2: So you got to help everybody listening here. Now that
38:14
Speaker 2: we walked through this process of like discovering what are fears?
38:18
Speaker 2: What are the fears that we have? What are limiting beliefs?
38:21
Speaker 2: And the mindset that's been keeping us down that's creating Yeah,
38:27
Speaker 2: and that we're believing it the lie? How do you
38:30
Speaker 2: break free? Yeah?
38:31
Speaker 1: A breakthrough is that it happens in a single moment.
38:34
Speaker 1: Is the moment you move from a suffering state to
38:36
Speaker 1: a powerful state and true. When you know the truth,
38:40
Speaker 1: the truth makes you free, and the inverse is also true.
38:42
Speaker 1: You become free by knowing that that what you're believing
38:46
Speaker 1: is a flat out lie. It's the language that I use.
38:49
Speaker 1: I was sharing this with my dad and he started saying,
38:51
Speaker 1: I'm getting so good at this when I'm in a
38:53
Speaker 1: suffering state. I just realized, whatever I'm thinking, it's a
38:55
Speaker 1: flat out lie. And you found so much power separating
38:58
Speaker 1: himself from that and realizing that it's not intelligent thinking
39:00
Speaker 1: and it's not true. And so the next step would
39:03
Speaker 1: be to acknowledge that the thinking that you've identified that's
39:06
Speaker 1: creating the suffering, it's not true. It's a flat out lie.
39:09
Speaker 1: Some of the language that I use for myself as
39:11
Speaker 1: I'll say, holy crap, it's not true that I'm now
39:18
Speaker 1: not naive and I can't have belief and hope and
39:22
Speaker 1: confidence like I used to. Yeah, I'm too jaded now
39:26
Speaker 1: it's actually not true that the world is in my future.
39:30
Speaker 1: Entrepreneurship endeavors are destined to fail because it's different, and
39:35
Speaker 1: I'm like, holy crap, that's crazy. I like to say,
39:38
Speaker 1: that's crazy, and what's happening here when we're having this
39:40
Speaker 1: holy crap, it's not true that that's crazy type of experience?
39:44
Speaker 1: With this lie, it creates something called cognitive dissonance in
39:47
Speaker 1: our brain, where the brain says, wait a second, we
39:51
Speaker 1: were wrong. And the brain hates being wrong because it's
39:55
Speaker 1: wired for to protect you. It's wired for survival, and
39:58
Speaker 1: so if it's wrong, then an emine threat might be
40:01
Speaker 1: around the corner that it hasn't been aware of. And
40:03
Speaker 1: so now what happens when you can acknowledge that the
40:05
Speaker 1: belief is a flat out lie. Your brain is now
40:08
Speaker 1: open to say, well, what is true? Let's figure this
40:10
Speaker 1: out right away. And so now the question is what
40:14
Speaker 1: is true? And the truth is the opposite or some
40:17
Speaker 1: form of the opposite. Of a lie, and I'll give
40:19
Speaker 1: you an example of how this works out a little
40:21
Speaker 1: time for me. So I hosted a retreat in Belize
40:24
Speaker 1: this last year and.
40:28
Speaker 2: I was in.
40:29
Speaker 1: It's a three hundred acre beautiful luxury resort called Jade Jungle.
40:33
Speaker 1: It's an incredible experience. Everyone go there.
40:35
Speaker 2: It's incredible. To get out there, it's incredible.
40:37
Speaker 1: And I don't know if you've ever been to if
40:39
Speaker 1: anyone listening has ever been to a three hundred acre
40:42
Speaker 1: luxury resort in the middle of the beliefe. But if
40:44
Speaker 1: you have, the last thing you're supposed to do is
40:46
Speaker 1: wake up completely frustrated. That's what I did. This is
40:49
Speaker 1: me right, and I wake up totally frustrated. And the
40:52
Speaker 1: reason why I was frustrated is because it's five fifty
40:55
Speaker 1: in the morning, and with no exaggeration, the loudest land
40:59
Speaker 1: animal on planet Earth is outside my open window that
41:03
Speaker 1: roof cabana howling. This howler monkey is going. It sounds
41:10
Speaker 1: like a t rex or like a dying jaguar. And
41:13
Speaker 1: I'm frustrated because it's five fifty in the morning and
41:16
Speaker 1: my three year old and five year old are now
41:18
Speaker 1: wide awake, and we got in late the sun goes down,
41:20
Speaker 1: so my kids, you know, went to sleep later. And
41:23
Speaker 1: I'm thinking, this is ridiculous. There's a ninety nine percent
41:27
Speaker 1: chance now that my kids are gonna have meltdowns and
41:29
Speaker 1: tantrums for the rest of the day. This shouldn't be happening.
41:33
Speaker 1: And I realized I was in a suffering state because
41:35
Speaker 1: this didn't feel useful, this frustration, and so I allowed
41:38
Speaker 1: that emotion. I just laid there for ninety seconds and
41:41
Speaker 1: I just felt totally frustrated, and I asked myself, why
41:45
Speaker 1: am I frustrated? And the brain will always do this
41:47
Speaker 1: funny thing, which is it will blame your circumstance, But
41:51
Speaker 1: your circumstance the things outside of you do not and
41:55
Speaker 1: cannot have never created our emotions. It is only the
41:59
Speaker 1: meaning we assign to our experience. It creates our emotion.
42:02
Speaker 1: And so I first said, you know, I'm frustrated because
42:05
Speaker 1: this holo monkey won't stop howling. It is five fifteen
42:06
Speaker 1: in the morning, and my kids are not awake, and
42:08
Speaker 1: they won't go back to sleep, and they're gonna have tantrums.
42:10
Speaker 1: And I said, wait a second. All those things are
42:12
Speaker 1: outside of me, and they're also outside of my control.
42:14
Speaker 1: And their circumstances, which means they cannot create my emotions.
42:16
Speaker 1: And so what is my thinking about the circumstance? What's
42:19
Speaker 1: the meaning that I'm assigning? And the meaning that I'm
42:22
Speaker 1: assigning to my experience is that this is ridiculous and
42:26
Speaker 1: this shouldn't be happening right now. And now that I've
42:31
Speaker 1: identified and become aware of this belief and I know
42:34
Speaker 1: that I'm in a suffering state that I know, holy.
42:36
Speaker 2: Crap, this is not true. This is glossy. That's crazy.
42:42
Speaker 1: And I asked myself, knowing that it can't be true
42:45
Speaker 1: because it's moving me to a suffering stay.
42:46
Speaker 2: I said, is it true?
42:47
Speaker 1: Is it ridiculous that a howler monkey is howling in
42:51
Speaker 1: the middle of the jungle of beliefs in the morning
42:55
Speaker 1: as the sun comes up in the tree that it
42:57
Speaker 1: lives in. And I just busted of laughing. I'm just
43:00
Speaker 1: laying there. I'm like, this is it's ridiculous. I'm being ridiculous,
43:05
Speaker 1: right And I thought this shouldn't be happening, and I
43:08
Speaker 1: now I'm here looking for some form of the opposite
43:11
Speaker 1: that must be true. And I realized that everything is
43:14
Speaker 1: happening the way it's supposed to, and I immediately returned
43:18
Speaker 1: to this state of joy so much so that is
43:22
Speaker 1: I'm having laughter, and I became I returned out of
43:25
Speaker 1: the ego, back to self, back to who I really am,
43:28
Speaker 1: because remember, who we really are is the person that
43:31
Speaker 1: we are when we're in a powerful state. And so
43:33
Speaker 1: instead of saying, hey guys, hey kids, you know in
43:36
Speaker 1: the bunk they're above me into my side, I could
43:39
Speaker 1: have said, be quiet, laid down, close your eyes for
43:41
Speaker 1: the next thirty minutes, we're not getting up. Yeah, that
43:43
Speaker 1: wouldn't have been a great experience, and that's not who
43:45
Speaker 1: I am. Instead, as I returned to who I who
43:49
Speaker 1: I really am in a powerful state, I said, hey, kids,
43:52
Speaker 1: do you want to go get your shoes.
43:54
Speaker 2: Put them on, Let's go look at the monkey.
43:56
Speaker 1: Let's go try to find them. And we went out
43:58
Speaker 1: on this beautiful hanging bridge and we see thirty feet
44:02
Speaker 1: away from us, in the top of this canopy the
44:05
Speaker 1: haller monkey howling right at us. If you were to
44:08
Speaker 1: ask my three year old in five year old what
44:09
Speaker 1: their favorite part of Belize was, that was it.
44:12
Speaker 2: That was it. That's amazing.
44:14
Speaker 1: And so sure enough we know that tantrums were inevitable.
44:18
Speaker 1: They're sleep deprived. And so I'm leading this retreat and
44:21
Speaker 1: I'm upstairs in the lodge and everyone else is downstairs.
44:24
Speaker 1: And what I do is I help people learn how
44:26
Speaker 1: to be deeply present with their family right regardless of
44:29
Speaker 1: their circumstance. And here's my opportunity to really be challenged.
44:34
Speaker 1: My son starts throwing a tantrument for forty minutes. It's
44:37
Speaker 1: this power struggle where he won't listen to me. And
44:39
Speaker 1: I had sixty seconds worth of content to share with him,
44:41
Speaker 1: which is that he was running away from my wife
44:43
Speaker 1: who's holding our hot eighteen month baby and can't catch him.
44:46
Speaker 1: And when she needs to tell him something, I just
44:47
Speaker 1: want to tell him. Mom's a queen. We always listen
44:50
Speaker 1: to her. She'll always help you have more fun.
44:53
Speaker 2: And he wouldn't.
44:53
Speaker 1: He wouldn't even come listen to me for sixty seconds.
44:56
Speaker 1: And he's saying things like you're the worst dad ever.
44:59
Speaker 1: He's you know, in he's five years old, all of it.
45:02
Speaker 1: You know, you never want me to have fun, And
45:04
Speaker 1: I'm like, and why is he doing this because he's
45:07
Speaker 1: in a suffering state. Is it true that I'm the
45:08
Speaker 1: worst that ever? Is it true that I never wanted
45:10
Speaker 1: to have fun. No, but we suffer because we're believing
45:12
Speaker 1: things that are not true. So we're even seeing this
45:13
Speaker 1: happen in his little mind, and I just stayed with him,
45:18
Speaker 1: totally present, in a powerful state being who I was.
45:22
Speaker 1: Why because I had found the truth that everything was
45:26
Speaker 1: happening in the way he's supposed to do. How the
45:28
Speaker 1: monkeys are howling, sleep deprive, five year olds are having tantrums,
45:33
Speaker 1: and I was okay with it because when we know
45:36
Speaker 1: the truth, the truth makes us free.
45:38
Speaker 2: I love it. I think the idea of being self
45:40
Speaker 2: aware that flows so so well with anyone that's suffering,
45:45
Speaker 2: with anyone any circumstance, being self aware, I would hope.
45:49
Speaker 2: I've talked about like childhood wounding before on this podcast.
45:53
Speaker 2: I've talked about being worn, an anxious or an avoidant state,
45:58
Speaker 2: you know, attachment styles, and just the act of being aware.
46:04
Speaker 2: Although it can't necessarily just solve all your problems, that's
46:07
Speaker 2: the first step. What are we feeling? What are we thinking?
46:10
Speaker 2: Can we sit with that emotion for ninety seconds? That
46:14
Speaker 2: self awareness is so critical, So can you give somebody
46:17
Speaker 2: that's listening, how do they become more self aware, How
46:20
Speaker 2: can they recognize as quickly as possible just that self awareness.
46:26
Speaker 2: The healing or the sitting with the emotion, that can
46:30
Speaker 2: be a different step, but just being self aware. Yeah.
46:32
Speaker 1: Awareness comes down to two steps. It's there's three phases
46:35
Speaker 1: of rewiring your brain. And my clients and I, you know,
46:38
Speaker 1: go deep in and I help them to master this
46:40
Speaker 1: this framework, in this ability to move out of their suffering,
46:43
Speaker 1: but also to rewire the belief permanently, so that it
46:46
Speaker 1: doesn't just move you to a powerful state for a moment,
46:48
Speaker 1: but it's a permanent change so that you don't have
46:51
Speaker 1: to keep reframing your thought over and over again where
46:54
Speaker 1: it's like you know it's true, but you keep believing it. Yeah,
46:57
Speaker 1: And so your question is what is awareness? Awareness comes
47:00
Speaker 1: down to two steps, and it is to recognize and
47:04
Speaker 1: allow your suffering and then to identify the thing that's
47:09
Speaker 1: causing your suffering. And in order to become really good
47:12
Speaker 1: at awareness in these two steps, you have to understand
47:16
Speaker 1: that your circumstances don't create your emotions. And what I
47:19
Speaker 1: mean by this is that circumstances are neutral, meaning they
47:23
Speaker 1: don't have an emotional charge. They're not positive or negative
47:26
Speaker 1: there's not. There's no such thing as a good day
47:29
Speaker 1: or a bad childhood or a bad like a like
47:34
Speaker 1: a bad boss. There's a boss, a childhood in a day,
47:38
Speaker 1: and we assign meaning, which is that this is a
47:40
Speaker 1: bad day or a good childhood or a bad boss.
47:42
Speaker 1: And that meaning that we assign to them. To the
47:44
Speaker 1: things outside of us, our circumstances ultimately creates our emotion
47:48
Speaker 1: a circumstances, specifically the facts of life. They're outside of us,
47:53
Speaker 1: and they're the things that we can't control. So this
47:55
Speaker 1: includes other people. This includes the weather, This includes the past.
47:59
Speaker 1: You can't change the past. You can't change the weather,
48:02
Speaker 1: and as much as we try, you can't change other people.
48:05
Speaker 2: We know this.
48:06
Speaker 1: And so when you realize that my circumstances aren't creating
48:10
Speaker 1: my emotions, you now regain your responsibility. And I like
48:16
Speaker 1: to say, even though it's really triggering in the world
48:18
Speaker 1: we live in, that you're responsible for everything in your life.
48:22
Speaker 1: And the mind goes, well, what about the trauma or
48:24
Speaker 1: what about the abuse, or what about these hard things
48:26
Speaker 1: that someone might have experienced. You're responsible When you understand
48:32
Speaker 1: the definition of responsibility, response ability is your ability to
48:37
Speaker 1: respond that we can respond to our circumstance in the
48:42
Speaker 1: way that we choose, and we regain that ability to
48:47
Speaker 1: choose when we stop believing that the things outside of
48:51
Speaker 1: our control are the things creating our emotions. Because if
48:54
Speaker 1: the things outside of our control are creating our emotions,
48:58
Speaker 1: then we're victims. Can't do anything about it because we
49:01
Speaker 1: can't control it. And so therefore, until the weather changes
49:05
Speaker 1: because it's raining outside or because it's too hot, I'm miserable.
49:09
Speaker 1: But the reality is is it's the meaning you're assigning
49:13
Speaker 1: to that experience that's creating your misery. And so separating
49:16
Speaker 1: the circumstances from the belief like I did with this monkey,
49:18
Speaker 1: to say, wait, the monkey isn't the reason why I'm frustrated,
49:23
Speaker 1: it's my thinking. And so the problem is never the problem.
49:27
Speaker 1: The problem is always what you're believing about your experience.
49:31
Speaker 2: Interesting Tony Robbins talks about where he says life isn't
49:35
Speaker 2: happening you know to you, it's happening for you. And
49:40
Speaker 2: you know, I've tried to remember that as going through
49:42
Speaker 2: hard things of like, Okay, if this is happening for me,
49:45
Speaker 2: then what am I supposed to learn from this? How
49:47
Speaker 2: do I understand deeper this feeling or significance, and then
49:52
Speaker 2: being self aware of triggers. For example, the idea of
49:56
Speaker 2: being triggered. He mentioned something about, Uh, somebody else could
50:02
Speaker 2: have the exact same experience. Somebody could be driving by
50:04
Speaker 2: you flipping you off, and one person could laugh it
50:07
Speaker 2: off that's me and goes crazy and wants to fight
50:11
Speaker 2: the guy. Right, and so the exact same you know,
50:15
Speaker 2: influence that came to you would either trigger someone or.
50:18
Speaker 1: Not so And what's really being triggered in that circumstance
50:21
Speaker 1: is the meaning of right and that that person we are.
50:27
Speaker 1: That's that's where we regain our ability to choose. I
50:30
Speaker 1: love that because I think there's a lot of people
50:32
Speaker 1: who are who are let's say, struggling in a relationship,
50:35
Speaker 1: and they're feeling triggered by certain things. Knowing that that's
50:38
Speaker 1: our responsibility. It takes a lot of self awareness. It's
50:42
Speaker 1: liberating because otherwise you're pointing at somebody else and somebody
50:46
Speaker 1: that you can't control, somebody that you can't you can't change,
50:49
Speaker 1: you can't influence, but you can always you know, even
50:51
Speaker 1: the past. You can't change the past, but you can
50:54
Speaker 1: change the meaning you assigned to the past.
50:56
Speaker 2: Oh that's powerful. Honestly, this is just this, These concepts,
51:01
Speaker 2: this focus can literally change lives, both men and women,
51:07
Speaker 2: both children old. I wish that one. I wish I
51:12
Speaker 2: would have known these things decades ago. I'm sure there
51:16
Speaker 2: was a level that was taught that I didn't fully
51:18
Speaker 2: you know, put into my life. And now it's time
51:23
Speaker 2: to like perfect these pieces and be more self aware.
51:28
Speaker 2: So thank you for sharing. This has been super, super helpful,
51:32
Speaker 2: and I hope everybody's listening. Obviously, write comments, tag on
51:35
Speaker 2: social media, share it if you feel like this can
51:37
Speaker 2: help somebody else where. Can people find you?
51:40
Speaker 1: Yeah? I post content on LinkedIn, a funny place called LinkedIn.
51:44
Speaker 1: I post stories and you know, client experiences and transformations
51:49
Speaker 1: that you can read and teachings. And I also have
51:53
Speaker 1: for your guests. I have a free assessment. You can
51:55
Speaker 1: find it at Mitchwining dot com. And this assessment is
51:58
Speaker 1: called the Passion, per and Progress Assessment. If anything that
52:02
Speaker 1: we talked about resonated with you as the listener, then
52:06
Speaker 1: this experience will resonate very deeply. It's the kind of
52:09
Speaker 1: experience in this assessment where you get to read in
52:13
Speaker 1: words the things that you've been experiencing emotionally that are
52:16
Speaker 1: sometimes hard to put into words, that how you maybe
52:20
Speaker 1: have been experiencing for the last few years, or maybe
52:22
Speaker 1: even like many of us, since before the age of seven.
52:26
Speaker 1: And it gives you clarity to understand what you're experiencing
52:30
Speaker 1: and why you're experiencing it. And then for those that
52:33
Speaker 1: you know find in this assessment that it really really
52:35
Speaker 1: deeply resonates. The assessment is created in a way that
52:39
Speaker 1: those individuals end up getting access to my calendar, and
52:41
Speaker 1: I'm happy for any of those individuals to spend a
52:43
Speaker 1: free hour with them to get really clear on a
52:46
Speaker 1: personal level, to help them get clarity on where they
52:48
Speaker 1: are and where they want to be and what it
52:50
Speaker 1: would take for them to create a life of deep presence,
52:54
Speaker 1: of peace of confidence so they can return to be
52:57
Speaker 1: who they really are. To not be chasing success again
53:00
Speaker 1: is to get what you want, but to have fulfillment
53:02
Speaker 1: and true success, which is to become who you really are.
53:06
Speaker 2: Let's become who we really are. I love that. Mitch.
53:09
Speaker 2: You guys, it's Mitch Whiting. Go to Mitch Whiting dot
53:11
Speaker 2: com take the free assessment. Thank you for being here
53:15
Speaker 2: at the Fatherhood Movement podcast. We're here to share goodness
53:18
Speaker 2: and light. Hopefully you can help more people around as possible,
53:21
Speaker 2: So thank you for being here and sharing