Latest / Life Lived Better / Episode 138: Romantic Relationships

Transcript

Episode 138: Romantic Relationships · Life Lived Better

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Hi, this is Paula. And I'm Joseph, and you're
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listening to Life Lived Better. Welcome back everybody to the
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Life Live Better podcast. We are grateful to have you all
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joining us today. We are going to be finishing up
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Part 2 of our romantic relationship in our relationship
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series today. And it's been a great run with
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all these topics. We hope you've enjoyed them and
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we've got some additional great information for you today.
0:32
But First off, Paula, how are you doing?
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I am doing well. I'm absolutely loved the series
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on relationships and have been really excited about all the
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feedback we've gotten about how people are really liking this
0:45
information. So so grateful for that.
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And life personally is going well.
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Temperatures dropping, perfect, perfect yard work time.
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How's your life going? I'm busy as usual, we've got
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lots of stuff going on. We've got ACL coming up this
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week, so we're going to be traveling for a few days, which
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is always nice, but I've had to work my tail off getting the
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camper all ready to go and fairs and towns.
1:15
We've already, it opened on Friday and we went Friday and
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Saturday. We got season passes this year
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so been going with different friend groups and so that's
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pretty much worn out. Today it's Sunday and it's been
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a week and a weekend, so looking forward to some downtime today.
1:32
And yeah, but typical, typical busy stuff going on with me.
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And the Texas State Fair, that's a huge one.
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It's around for multiple weeks, isn't it?
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Yeah, it runs just less than a month I think.
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Wow, I haven't been out there in a long time.
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I need to run out there and try some fried stuff.
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Oh my goodness, there's so much food, but it's gotten so
1:55
expensive. Oh, it hasn't everything.
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True, true. Either that or I'm old, but all
2:00
of it is. Look at these prices today.
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It is expensive, but it's a lot of fun and we that's pretty much
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what we go for is the food. We just kind of eat our way
2:10
through. That's great.
2:12
I love it. Anything new this year that's
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fried that must be tried? Oh, we had a really good brisket
2:19
pretzel sandwich. It was like a pretzel ball with
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brisket stuffed inside and cheese sauce.
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That was delicious. Oh my.
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Brisket ball. Wow, that sounds amazing.
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That sounds very Texan. Yes, and then they had deep
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fried tacos that we tried. With some OK was the brisket
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thing fried? No, it was just like kind of,
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you know, like a baked pretzel. Wow.
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Yeah, and then the fried tacos were pretty good.
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I'm not sure what was inside of them, but it was tasty.
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And I don't think we've had anything sweet yet this year,
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but I always get the fried Oreos at some point.
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That's my all time favorite. Man, I'd line of those have you.
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Ever had a fried Oreo? I believe I had I have had one
3:00
and something maybe peanut butter and Jelly last.
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Time it was out there, yeah, we had a fried PB and J that was
3:06
pretty good. I always think they're going to
3:09
be about as big as an Oreo, but they're not.
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They're like as big as your head.
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Mm, hmm. Well, good stuff.
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Telling you yummy. When we ended Part 1, we were
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about 1/4 of the way through the list provided by marriage.com of
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the 15 actionable tips to understand how to share feelings
3:27
with someone we love. So we're going to pick back up
3:29
on that and I believe it is your.
3:32
Turn right and it was #7 to create a judgment free space.
3:37
You know, nobody is going to open up if the other person is
3:40
judging them. And if you've ever wondered how
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to express your thoughts a little more, be a little more
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open minded, here's here's some tips on how you know whenever
3:51
your partner sharing, try to avoid getting defensive or
3:55
irritated. I know getting defensive is like
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something I want to do. I want to start thinking about
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how I'm going to defend what you're confronting me about, you
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know, but when you do that, it's going to cause problems in you
4:09
sharing. It's going to cause problems in
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the person that is currently sharing.
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And if it's easier, you can dedicate a little space in your
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house to like this is the zone for no judgement.
4:20
Or you can say we we when we go to, you know, have this
4:23
conversation, We both agree not to judge.
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And the way to get it started is set aside this area in your
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house where you can discuss your feelings calmly without
4:34
distractions. And also you're, you say to one
4:39
another and you agree like, OK, this is the the goal is
4:43
understanding one another without judgement.
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Some possible challenges in that, of course, are the fear of
4:50
judgement and misunderstanding can cause people not to want to
4:54
share. So it's probably going to take
4:56
some time to really establish this safe open space and safe
5:02
open conversation between a couple.
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Yeah, I think that one of the things I suggest to couples
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often is to have like a check in time.
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So like a day, you know, one day a week where you agree to just
5:16
kind of like be open to you talking about anything that
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might be going on. Obviously if there's something
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very serious, you want to address it, you know, quickly.
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But I think that's a good practice, just having kind of a
5:28
a day or an evening or a meal where you're just, you know,
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this is a safe space. I love that because you can also
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expect it and maybe you can re up the other days from difficult
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conversations because you know that one's upcoming.
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Yeah, yeah. Well, the next one is to use I
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statements. So avoid triggering the other
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person into defensiveness. We can steer clear of like you
5:52
statements you make me, you do this, although you may reflect
5:57
on their behavior and the effects you experience.
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Focus on how you feel about it. So instead of saying you make me
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furious when you blink, blink, blink, say I feel angry when you
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did it. This shifts the focus from the
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action to the realm of personal impressions, really preventing
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unnecessary friction in the conversation.
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To make it more practical, divided into 3 sections.
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Name the emotion, mention the action that produced the
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emotion, and elaborate on why the action caused you to feel
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the way it did. How how you can get started as
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practice formulating your thoughts and I statements.
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For example, trying to say something like I feel upset when
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we don't have time together because it makes me feel
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disconnected from you. That's.
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Sweet, I like that. And possible challenges and
6:45
expressing your feelings that it can be challenging to articulate
6:48
feelings using I statement. So especially intense moments
6:53
when emotions are running high, this may cause some difficulty
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in avoiding like that blame talk.
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So you want to just try to avoid anything that's going to make
7:03
them fear or lead them to feel defensive.
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And if you pay attention to body language and expressions like
7:09
those are ways that you can tell when somebody's getting
7:12
defensive, if they cross their arms terms and you know, kind of
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you can see them kind of shutting down.
7:17
So that's a that's a cue to maybe rethink what you're saying
7:21
and how you're saying it and maybe regroup, come back
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together. I've been paying a close
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attention on anything I'm watching on TV that's, you know,
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related to mental health or communication.
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Some people are so deeply rooted in dysfunction.
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When a person says to them, like, this is how I feel.
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I've. I see like things like where
7:44
people go. So you're saying I just, I
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abandoned you. You're saying I'm just always.
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And even if you get that from somebody to say like, no, no,
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this isn't about you at all. This is about me.
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This is about how I'm feeling. This isn't about you at all.
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This is just about me. Because some people are just so
8:01
resistant to hearing it. Yeah, and I think this this tip
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is one of my favorites. I teach it in my classes about
8:09
every kind of communication is stay away from those words like
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always and never just when you're generalizing you, you
8:18
just you're not going to get a good result.
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You know, like you always do this you never take out the
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trash. It's not true.
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Number one, you know that those those statements can't be true,
8:30
but if you're always generalizing, why are the why is
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the person that's talking with you really going to hear you?
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You know, it's it you're saying things that absolutely aren't
8:40
true, they're just unfounded. So if you want to get some
8:43
results from your partner and your communication, be more
8:48
attentive, Don't name call and try not to use those
8:53
generalizations. You know how you get started
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with this is be mindful of your language.
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And so instead of saying you never listen, maybe say like, I
9:02
feel unheard when I try to express myself to be make it
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even more specific, you could say yesterday when we were
9:08
trying to have that conversation, I felt unheard,
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You know, that specifically it was that event.
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It's not always you never listen to me.
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And some challenges might come up through these
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generalizations. Always.
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Never, because they'll make the person feel really unfairly
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criticized and they'll get defensive and the conversation
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is going to start shutting down. Reject the expectation of them
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reading your mind. Try to avoid that.
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So many of us think that true love is when we don't need words
9:40
to know what the other is thinking.
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Just read their minds. This is nice to have, but less
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likely to be accomplished in tense situation.
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So oftentimes I think in tense situations we're kind of wrapped
9:53
up in our own feelings about the situation and not necessarily
9:56
being too open to others. And so that's something that has
9:59
to shift and change. So, you know, when fighting,
10:02
we're more likely to jump into conclusions and search of
10:07
certainty and safety in the situation.
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Upsetting events and conflicts with your partner typically
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trigger deep fears and patterns of thinking.
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So we're more likely to make mistakes and assuming what the
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other person thinks. So focus on using your words.
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Leave the guessing and the mind reading for you know, purchasing
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gifts. How do you get started with
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that? Before assuming your partner
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knows your feelings, share the thoughts clearly.
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Let them know what's going on inside and encourage them to do
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the same. Some challenges that you might
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experience is assuming your partner understands and can lead
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to that can lead to frustration or misunderstanding, especially
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if they don't express themselves as clearly.
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Makes it harder to connect to them emotionally.
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The next tip is to be open with your intentions.
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You know, don't be deceitful it with with what you want to talk
11:00
about. Don't ask somebody about a
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situation or their feelings because you have an agenda that
11:06
you want to get to and it's kind of your way in could just be
11:09
upfront about what you want to talk about because the next time
11:13
a conversation like this comes up, they're going to be
11:16
reluctant to share. So if if you need to know how a
11:19
person feels about a topic, just ask them, you know, don't hide
11:23
behind some other concern about their well-being to kind of get
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to where you're going. And the same goes for when you
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share your feelings. They share their feelings.
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And how they get started is just be transparent with your
11:36
partner. I know we overuse that word
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transparent, but it's, I think you and I had a previous boss,
11:44
mutual boss, that when they would say, I'm just want to be
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transparent, we knew they were about to lie.
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But if you're looking for advice or validation, just say that,
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you know, say this, I, I want some advice from you.
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I want you to validate me. I'm looking for this, you know,
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because if you want an honest conversation, you have to
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express that from the beginning. And there are some challenges
12:08
possible here. Being completely honest is
12:11
probably going to feel a little vulnerable, especially if you
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fear rejection or you fear that someone's going to misunderstand
12:18
you. That really can make it a lot
12:21
harder for us to open up about what we really want out of the
12:24
situation or conversation. Like that.
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The next one is to address the pressure or expectations first.
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One of the reasons why it's easier to share in a therapist's
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office is because it's a neutral environment.
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So both people generally feel kind of safe.
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There's no pressure to say the right thing or expectations, You
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know, hidden behind how are you feeling?
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How are you those types of questions?
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If you feel pressured to share your feelings with your partner,
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address how that makes you feel first.
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The conversation moves from, you know, not wanting to share to
12:59
what is needed to share more freely, and this promotes
13:02
communication and openness in the conversation.
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So how you get started? If you feel pressured, calmly
13:08
explain that you need space to process.
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Before you talk, take a moment to gather your thoughts.
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Think about it. This way you relieve the
13:15
pressure and avoid rushed responses.
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Sometimes when we are in a situation we feel like we have
13:21
to have to respond right then and there.
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You know, we're on the spot. We have to.
13:25
I used to had a boss that I worked with that I did that.
13:27
She would ask me a question, I would just blur out an the
13:29
answer and then I have to go back and like clean it up
13:32
because it wasn't the right answer.
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But I just felt like so much pressure to have the answer all
13:36
the time. And in that experience, I
13:39
actually realized like, it's better just to take a moment and
13:41
say, you know what? I don't know the answer to that.
13:43
Let me do some research and get back to you.
13:46
So some challenges that you might find in expressing
13:49
feelings, feeling pressure can lead to withholding your
13:53
emotions or providing incomplete responses.
13:56
So this may feel like the conversation has an underlying
13:59
expectation which reduces your openness.
14:03
We also need to trust our partners good intentions.
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You know, if we assume that our partners caring and they want to
14:10
invest in the relationship, we'll get the benefit of that.
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Remember they might be scared to share too.
14:17
And when I was reading this, I thought, well, why should we?
14:20
Why? Why be in a relationship with
14:22
somebody that we don't think wants to invest in the
14:25
relationship? We probably shouldn't be in a
14:27
relationship if we think our partner doesn't have good
14:29
intentions, right? At least I wouldn't want to be.
14:32
No, I always tell people like him.
14:34
If I'm in a situation where something is upsetting to me, I
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try to run through a dialogue quickly in my head.
14:40
Does this person care about me? If the answer is yes, would they
14:43
be intentionally trying to hurt my feelings?
14:45
Probably no. How can I take this differently?
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Oh, I like that. I like that a lot.
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It really takes a lot of, I mean, it takes a moment to kind
14:53
of bring you out of the, the, the pain or the spear of it.
14:57
Yeah, because most of the time, you know, people that we love
15:00
and care about are not trying to hurt our feelings, but it's just
15:03
not the right time or the place or something's going on, you
15:06
know, that's impacting how we receive the information.
15:09
Maybe the delivery is not great, but you have to give people a
15:12
little bit of room and some grace.
15:13
And, you know, just try to remember that that's probably
15:16
not the purpose of the conversation.
15:18
Why would that be? And if they are, we don't need
15:21
to be in a relationship with that.
15:24
It says it. Research indicates this, but I
15:26
think also personal experience probably indicates that trusting
15:30
somebody does not guarantee that they're never going to hurt or
15:33
betray us. I mean, I think life experience
15:35
tells us that it's just when we trust somebody, we're hoping and
15:41
we're believing that they won't hurt us.
15:43
And sometimes it happens and it usually is on isn't on purpose.
15:48
But lots of times when we have previous experiences maybe with
15:52
them or with other relationships where trust has been broken,
15:56
it'll influence how we have these conversations.
16:00
So it's important before we have this, these conversations that
16:04
we think about all the times we've shared with them and it's
16:08
gone well, you know, at times where they've really shown how
16:12
much they've cared about us. That will kind of put us in a
16:14
good mindset for this these conversations.
16:17
So to get started, before you open up, can I just take a
16:21
minute to think about times that they've really been there,
16:24
they've been supportive of you, and let those memories guide
16:29
that that conversation and your expectations instead of your
16:33
fear, your doubt, your fear of abandonment, fear of being hurt.
16:37
And then of course, there are some challenges that might come
16:40
up. We might find it hard to believe
16:42
that our partner cares for us deep down, especially if we have
16:46
trouble caring about ourselves, if we can't believe they're in
16:49
this relationship with us. They're here to hurt us.
16:53
That's about us usually, not about them.
16:55
So just kind of think about your past and how it can kind of mess
16:59
this conversation up if we don't get out of that and just trust
17:03
their good intentions. And it can be risky, especially
17:07
when we've got a lot of fear of rejection, judgment or may even
17:11
indifference from our partner. So true.
17:14
And that transference is a real thing.
17:16
So when you experience it, try to recognize it and don't hold
17:20
this person responsible for something that happened in a
17:23
previous relationship. It's not fair.
17:25
It's. So unfair.
17:26
I know it's if you don't think about it, it's kind of hard
17:29
hard. But just it's not their fault.
17:32
They weren't even there. Yeah, well another big one is,
17:35
you know, be prepared to hear feedback.
17:37
So communication is a two way St.
17:40
If you decide to share your feelings, there's a high chance
17:43
your partner will have the reaction that they need to share
17:45
their feelings too. So if you realize all you need
17:48
at this time is for them to hear you out and refrain from
17:52
responding, ask that of them directly.
17:55
You know, like you mentioned earlier, just tell them I'm just
17:57
looking for validation. I'm just looking to process
18:00
this. Make sure to set aside some time
18:02
later so they can share their impressions and you can listen
18:06
to them, you know, at that time if you need to, instead of like
18:10
in that moment when you're trying to just kind of get out
18:13
what's going on with you. And that's a really difficult
18:15
one too. So I think we as people feel
18:17
like in these situations, we need to have feelings and
18:20
response and explanations and response.
18:23
But I think if you just tell people like, hey, I just just
18:26
need you to listen, then that helps eliminate some of that.
18:29
So how do you get started? Before beginning a conversation,
18:32
clarify what you need. Say something like I need you to
18:35
listen for now, and then offer a specific time to come back and
18:39
hear their response if needed. Some challenges that you might
18:43
experience. You may worry that opening up
18:45
will invite criticism or conflict.
18:47
So if you fear being misunderstood or overwhelmed by
18:50
their feedback, you might hesitate to initiate the
18:53
conversation at all with them, especially if that's been the
18:56
history and what you've had, you know, experience with.
18:59
So just try to reiterate, like really, I just need you to
19:02
listen right now. I like the the idea that it's
19:05
also important that you do say, you know, let's talk at this
19:09
time to hear your if you wanted to respond.
19:13
Because I was thinking, if we always just say, I don't want
19:15
you to say anything, I just need to kind of vomit on you for a
19:18
minute. And never, ever can you say how
19:20
you feel about any of this. Yeah.
19:22
That's I never kind of thought of that until right now.
19:26
Very true. And make these conversations are
19:29
regular thing, you know, the more we practice, like anything
19:32
else, it's a muscle, the better we'll become at it.
19:35
So a range of time, just like you mentioned earlier, like a
19:38
preset time that every Wednesday we're going to have dinner and
19:41
that's when we have this safe space where we're going to share
19:44
these conversations and it's a judgement free zone, etcetera.
19:49
You know, and reflect, share. As we do that more often, it
19:55
will really help us become more self-conscious.
19:59
You know, it will help us recognize kind of underlying
20:03
feelings that we might be having.
20:05
If we're kind of afraid of something, we can look into that
20:08
and think it like you just mentioned.
20:10
The thing is, send it through those questions.
20:12
You know, it's it's not about this person.
20:14
If I already know this person loves me, they care about me,
20:17
they're not trying to hurt me. So I could think, who is this
20:20
about? What is this about?
20:21
And I can do my own work that way to make the relationship
20:25
even better. And the more.
20:26
We reflect, the easier it'll become for us to identify all
20:30
that stuff that we've got under the surface there.
20:33
And, and how we get started on this is just suggesting a
20:36
regular check in time with our partner weekly, bi weekly to
20:40
start kind of going through some of these things and gently
20:43
exploring just how was your day, how was your week and learning
20:47
how to say these things to one another.
20:49
I think our mobile devices make that real difficult.
20:51
Now. We all see so many people having
20:54
dinner together in a restaurant and they're both just on their
20:58
devices. And of course, some possible
21:01
challenges might come up. And that is about the
21:05
consistency. You know, we might do it once
21:08
and then not do it again or like, OK, that was great.
21:11
Now we can wait till the next time we have a problem.
21:14
And so you have to be consistent.
21:16
Do you have to decide together as a as a couple?
21:19
We'll do it every Wednesday. We'll do it once a month,
21:23
however long, and keep us from bottling all that stuff up for a
21:27
long period of time. Yeah, so let's talk a little bit
21:30
about signs of an unhealthy relationship Now.
21:33
So the flip side, what are some red flags of an unhealthy
21:37
relationship? We have some thoughts on that.
21:41
A big one is control. If one partner is constantly
21:44
trying to dictate what the other where's, who they see, how they
21:48
live, that's not love, that's control and also manipulation.
21:53
So things like gaslighting where someone twists facts to make you
21:56
doubt your own memory or reality, that's just crazy
22:00
making. And it really like eats away at
22:03
your confidence and leaves you second guessing yourself.
22:06
And that's just man, if you've ever been gas lit, wow.
22:09
It's just, it's, it's wild. It is.
22:13
We talked before we started recording today about true crime
22:18
kind of things and I listen to it all the time.
22:21
And there was actually a case that I listened to recently
22:24
where the person who murdered her partner, their defense was
22:30
that they were, they were gas lit all the time and that they
22:34
just went, they decided that, you know, it was like a insanity
22:38
plea. Like they were gas lit over and
22:41
over and over by this person. They finally just lost it one
22:43
day and killed them. Like I can see that because
22:46
being gas lit does put you on edge like that unhealthy
22:52
dynamics in a relationship can show up as like jealousy,
22:56
constant criticism, no boundaries, or even like more
23:01
subtly like withdrawing emotions at all.
23:04
And we shouldn't feel small or silenced or scared when we're in
23:10
love. That's not those are red flags.
23:13
So let's look at some other red flags.
23:15
Well, there's a couple Lack of communication, controlling
23:19
behaviors, disrespecting boundaries, lying, aggression or
23:25
violence, substance misuse or addiction, excessive jealousy.
23:30
That's a big one. Lack of empathy, being
23:33
unreliable, or just the inability to compromise.
23:37
You walk away always feeling like you've lost the argument.
23:40
You know, winners and losers. Nobody wants to be the loser.
23:43
I always have to give in. It can never be any my way,
23:47
right? There are other some Gray areas
23:51
and some common confusions. Something I hear a lot is, you
23:55
know, but every relationship has problems.
23:57
How do I know if mine's just going through a rough patch or
24:00
if it really, really is unhealthy?
24:02
I think that's a great question. And I think the big difference
24:06
is whether the issues get addressed or whether they're
24:08
just brushed under the rug. You know we are going to have
24:11
problems in relationships, but healthy relationships can talk
24:15
about them. You know partners are willing to
24:17
work on it. One of the Housewives shows that
24:20
I watch, she was talking about all these issues that are just
24:23
piled up and piled up and piled up, and it's no longer like
24:26
swept under the rug. It's now like a mountain with a
24:28
rug laying on top of it. That's good.
24:31
I like that. I like that those shows sound
24:34
like they're getting a little more healthy.
24:36
No, they're not. They're so.
24:37
Dysfunctional. It's just trash TV.
24:41
So it's important to remember in a healthy relationship, both
24:44
partners are willing to work on it.
24:45
So you both have, you know, equal stake and are interested
24:49
in, you know, compromising and solution.
24:52
So in an unhealthy one, the patterns repeat without change
24:55
and often get worse and worse overtime.
24:58
So another distinction is impact.
25:02
Even in tough times, a healthy relationship should add more
25:05
support and peace to your life than stress and fear.
25:08
If you're feeling stressed out and fearful all the time, that
25:11
is not healthy. That's like, if you're thinking,
25:14
I just can't see that person today, I cannot take another
25:18
thing. That's probably not your life
25:22
partner, right? Let's talk a little bit about
25:25
dating because that's where it all begins, you know.
25:28
And let's go back to the Gottman Institute for some tips on
25:31
preparing ourselves for a healthy relationship because it
25:34
really does begin with each of us individually, not as a
25:38
couple. So if you haven't got, if you're
25:41
not in that lifetime long time forever relationship, let's talk
25:46
a little bit about how to get you ready for that.
25:48
Begin with the foundation. So building a relationship with
25:52
yourself first is really important.
25:54
Become radically self aware. self-awareness is the
25:58
cornerstone of every healthy relationship.
26:01
Before you can truly know and love another person, you need to
26:04
understand your own emotional landscape, triggers and
26:07
patterns. This is so incredibly important.
26:11
I also think it's a great idea to like, you know, live on your
26:14
own before jumping into a relationship.
26:17
Don't move in so fast. Like date, just you know.
26:21
Yeah, what if you move in and find out, you know, you just
26:24
don't like how they eat their soup and you want to poke their
26:27
eyes out because of XYZ. And you could have found that
26:30
out if you did, just dated a little longer.
26:34
And and that is the next tip is just learn to enjoy being alone.
26:39
You know, if you can't be happy on your own, then you probably
26:42
struggle to be happy in a relationship.
26:45
And it doesn't mean that we have to love being in solitude all
26:50
the time, but we should at least feel comfortable and content
26:53
when we're with ourselves. You know, we shouldn't need the
26:56
constant validation from other people or the distraction of
27:00
other people or things. So consider working with a
27:03
therapist to explore these kind of questions, like, how did your
27:07
parents handle conflict? What did love look like in your
27:10
childhood home? What relationship patterns do
27:14
you find yourself repeating and pay particular attention to your
27:18
attachment style? And if you're not familiar with
27:21
attachment styles, we do have an episode that I'll link in the
27:25
show notes on attachment styles. And there's lots of quizzes you
27:29
can take online to identify your attachment style.
27:32
Those are created within our first year of life and they are
27:36
so important. Yeah, it's great information.
27:39
If you haven't taken a quiz, definitely take the quiz and
27:42
look at look at your style because it will teach you a lot
27:46
about yourself. So another one is to identify
27:49
your core values and non negotiables.
27:50
I had a therapist ask me this a million years ago when I was
27:53
dating. Like, what are your deal
27:54
Breakers? And I was quick, quick to say a
27:57
car, a job, can't live at home with your family.
28:00
That's a good. That's a good.
28:01
One almost instantly because those are all things that I had
28:04
run into in the dating world that just did not work out well.
28:07
So identify what your, you know, non negotiables are ahead of
28:11
time. Don't you know, like be willing
28:15
to kind of a budget on those because ultimately it's kind of
28:17
like those core values, like they don't change and you can
28:20
invest a lot of time and energy into someone and it, you know,
28:25
you knew in the beginning like this wasn't going to change.
28:28
This was an issue. So try to follow that.
28:30
Pay attention to that. Healthy relationships require
28:33
two people who know what they stand for, so your core values,
28:38
the principles that guide your decisions and define what
28:40
matters most of you, should be clear.
28:43
Before you enter into a serious partnership, spend some time
28:46
reflecting on questions like What does integrity look like in
28:50
your daily life? How important is financial
28:52
security versus adventure? Do you value family tradition or
28:56
do you prefer creating new ones? What role the spirituality or
29:01
personal growth play in your life?
29:03
How do you want to contribute to your community?
29:06
What does that look like? So these are some great little
29:08
questions that you can ask and, you know, get some clarity early
29:12
on. And we don't have to be just
29:14
like the people that we're in a relationship with, but if the
29:17
person we're going to have a long term relationship with
29:20
doesn't have a lot of similarities in this area, that
29:23
would be hard to have a relationship with them.
29:26
Yeah, and we talked about this in the previous list of tips in
29:31
depth, so I won't spend too much time.
29:33
But the the tip is to develop healthy communication habits.
29:37
You know, it is just the key to all healthy relationships and
29:41
many of us had didn't learn communication, healthy
29:44
communication when we were growing up.
29:46
And so with some guidance, with a little practice, we really can
29:50
become healthy and effective communicators.
29:53
And we can do it with everybody, you know, with our friends, our
29:56
family, our colleagues and our romantic partner.
29:59
And we can do that through a couple of suggestions, like
30:03
using the I statements like you mentioned earlier, because when
30:06
we use you, we sound like we're making accusation.
30:10
Learn to ask open-ended questions because that invites
30:13
the person to share a lot more than just closed ended questions
30:17
do. And the difference between open
30:19
and closed is open is going to get a lot of information.
30:23
Closed is like a yes or no, one or two words answers.
30:27
And we practice, if we practice genuine curiosity about other
30:31
people and their life and their experiences and their
30:33
perspectives, that's a healthy communication habit.
30:37
And when we learn to express our appreciation and our gratitude
30:43
for the person very specifically about things that they do and
30:47
who they are, that makes communication fantastic.
30:51
And master the art of attempting to repair, you know, like small
30:56
gestures that interrupt the negative cycles that are going
31:00
on, like stopping inappropriate behavior, telling somebody that
31:05
you want to get out of that cycle even while you're in in
31:08
the middle of the argument. I like that It's also important
31:12
to practice setting and respecting boundaries, so we
31:16
talk about boundaries a lot. We didn't couldn't get through
31:19
an episode without that. Like every one of our episodes
31:23
about relationships, boundaries are not walls, they're bridges
31:27
to intimacy. So setting boundaries in
31:29
relationships is essential to maintaining your sense of self
31:32
while creating space for genuine connections with others.
31:36
So start practicing boundary setting in your current
31:39
relationships. Learn to respect others
31:42
boundaries without taking them personally.
31:44
So sometimes boundaries can feel very personal, but it's not
31:49
about that. It's about someone trying to
31:51
take care of themselves and try to respect that.
31:54
And the next tip is to learn healthy conflict management.
31:57
We've said this so many times that conflict in close
32:00
relationships is inevitable. It's about how you handle the
32:05
conflict that determines how healthy your relationship would
32:08
be. And Doctor Gottman's research
32:10
shows us that successful couples don't fight less, they fight
32:14
better. I love that statement, you know
32:18
I love that. So practice staying calm when
32:21
we're in arguments or disagreements.
32:23
Learn to focus on specific behaviors rather than just
32:27
character assassinations. Develop skills for problem
32:30
solving and learn to repair relationships after conflict.
32:36
Love it. Something else that's important
32:38
is get your finances in order. So financial stress is one of
32:41
the leading causes of relationship conflict and
32:44
entering A partnership from a position of financial stability
32:47
or at least clarity reduces unnecessary pressure in the
32:50
relationship. So finances are incredibly
32:54
important and the way people manage their money like that's a
32:58
big, can be a big conflict and, and a, and a partnership, one
33:02
person's frugal and one person, you know, saves and the other
33:06
one's just spending, spending, spending.
33:08
That's a huge stressor. It is do they ask for credit
33:13
scores yet on those dating apps? They should.
33:17
Now let's look kind of about the future a little bit, defining
33:20
your future and, and what you actually want.
33:23
So it's important to define what a healthy relationship looks
33:27
like to you. You know, you can't create
33:29
something that you can't envision.
33:31
You know, lots of focus, lots of people focus on what they don't
33:35
want in a relationship. Like I don't want a cheater, I
33:37
don't want a liar, but they don't define what they do want.
33:41
So don't forget to put that vision together for yourself.
33:45
A good point. So understand how you like to
33:48
express and receive love. Great book, The five love
33:51
languages. So incredibly informative and a
33:54
great little easy read. Recommend that.
33:56
We also have an episode on it. Yeah, take a listen.
34:00
But this is not about finding someone whose style matches
34:02
yours. Is important to know what types
34:06
of gestures make you feel loved. It's is it words, is it gifts?
34:11
Is it doing chores? Is it physical touch, doing
34:14
activities? And it's also very important
34:16
that you know your partner's style as well.
34:19
So listen to that episode, read that book.
34:22
You will get so much insight whether you're in a relationship
34:25
or not in a relationship. It's incredible information.
34:29
Highly highly recommend it. I'll make sure to link that
34:32
episode in here on Love languages.
34:34
Recognize the red flags and the green flags.
34:37
You know being ready to be in a relationship includes developing
34:41
good judgment about compatibility and character.
34:45
You know, red flags include things like criticism, attacking
34:49
your character instead of addressing a behavior, or
34:52
contempt like superiority, sarcasm, name calling,
34:57
defensiveness, refusing to take responsibility and attacking you
35:01
whenever you bring something up, and stonewalling, just totally
35:05
shutting down and withdrawing from the interaction.
35:08
Those patterns, when they're persistent and strong, they are
35:12
great indicators that this relationship will fail, or at
35:17
least almost kill you. It's also important to nurture
35:21
your life outside of the relationship, you know, keep in
35:24
touch with your friends, your your hobbies, your passions.
35:28
Healthy relationships enhance rather than replace a fulfilling
35:32
individual life. So the most attractive and
35:35
relationship ready people have a rich, interesting lives that
35:38
they're excited to share with someone rather than empty lives.
35:41
They need someone to fill space, right.
35:44
So, you know, I know in relationships, sometimes when
35:47
you first get into one, you tend to kind of really be focused on
35:50
on that person and on the relationship.
35:52
So it's not uncommon to, you know, kind of lose contact with
35:55
friends and maybe not engage as much in your hobbies, but it's
35:58
important to get back into that as quickly as possible.
36:01
So Are you ready? Are you ready to start dating?
36:05
Are you ready to start finding your forever person?
36:08
You know, how to prepare for a relationship isn't about just
36:11
checking every box perfectly. It's about building that
36:15
self-awareness, about increasing your emotional intelligence.
36:19
You know, putting together a foundation that's going to allow
36:23
you to flourish in life instead of just survive.
36:26
Thrive instead of survive. So ask yourself these questions
36:30
honestly. Can I be happy on my own while
36:33
genuinely designing, desiring a partnership?
36:36
So even if you want to find a relationship, can you be happy
36:40
on your own in the meantime? Do you understand your emotional
36:43
patterns and your triggers well enough to take responsibility
36:46
for them? And can you communicate your
36:49
needs clearly and respect other people's boundaries?
36:53
Do you have a vision of healthy love that goes beyond just not
36:56
being hurt? Am I excited to share my life
37:00
with someone rather than needing someone to complete me?
37:04
If you can answer yes to most of these questions, you're well
37:06
prepared for the kind of relationship that enhances both
37:09
lives, both partners lives. If some areas need more work,
37:13
that's perfectly normal. Personal growth is a lifelong
37:17
process, and awareness is the first step towards positive
37:20
change. And if you work on these things
37:22
now while you're not in a relationship, you're just going
37:25
to attract a more healthy relationship.
37:28
Yeah, it's, and I know it's hard.
37:30
I mean, I've had some times whenever I really, really wanted
37:34
to share my life with someone and it almost felt like a
37:36
desperation, and that's not attractive.
37:40
People. Can feel it from a long way
37:42
away. Wow, this has been a lot of
37:44
information. I mean, this entire series has
37:47
been a lot of information. With this one, remember that no
37:51
relationship is perfect. The goal is create a bond where
37:55
you feel safe and you feel valued and you feel supported.
37:59
And if you find yourself struggling, make some small
38:02
intentional steps, you know, like listening more openly,
38:05
setting some healthy boundaries. Those can make a huge
38:07
difference. Absolutely.
38:09
And we just want to take a second to thank you for joining
38:12
us today. If you found this episode
38:14
helpful, be sure to share it with someone who might need it.
38:17
We always appreciate that and we love that you guys are
38:20
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38:23
Remember to send us questions that you'd like to have answered
38:25
in any upcoming episodes of Questions for Counselors or
38:28
interact with us through our website at lifelivebetter.net
38:32
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38:34
We love hearing from you. Absolutely, and remember to join
38:38
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38:41
Listen to the mental health moments, the weeks between and
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38:53
Thank you for listening to Life Live Better with Paula and
38:55
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39:00
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39:12
This episode was written by Paula Garland, edited by Joseph
39:14
Massey, and recorded on Spotify. Information used in this episode
39:18
and other content data can be found in our show notes.
39:21
We look forward to seeing you again in two weeks.