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How To Make Better Repair In Your Relationship · Trauma Free Relationship

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Someone asked me the other day, what is the one thing that I
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think distinguishes healthy couples that stay together from
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couples that are either unhappy or eventually go their separate
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ways. My response to that was repair.
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When couples repair, they build trust over time.
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They stave off resentment. They build up atonement to one
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another and they turn towards each other on a more regular
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basis that actually creates a more secure relationship.
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So today we're going to give a deeper dive into repairing so
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that by the end of this episode, you're going to know the exact
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questions that have to be answered in order to make a good
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repair. If you're new to this channel,
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welcome and I invite you to follow and make a comment.
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My name is Tom Phil and I'm the host of Trauma Free
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Relationship. I've been working for years with
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adults who struggle with relational trauma to regain
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trust in themselves and others so that they can experience a
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safe and secure relationship. Let's get started,
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OK? As I mentioned in the opening,
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what we're talking about today is effective repairs.
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And I have discussed this before on the podcast.
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There's, there's another podcast, I don't know if I can
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find it quickly or not, but there's another episode where I
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discussed the rupture and repair process.
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Yes, that's episode 28. O If you want to, you can go
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back and listen to that episode because I talk a lot more
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expansively on the rupture repair process.
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But nonetheless, we're going to hone in on what are effective
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repairs today. And I think this is something
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that's so crucial to all relationships, but certainly to
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our romantic relationships if they as they have to do with our
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partner. And when we're able to make
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effective repairs, as I said in the opening, what that actually
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does is builds trust over time. It it's like dripping water into
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a bucket. If you let it drip long enough,
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the bucket will get full. And so even if there is a
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rupture, then it, it doesn't deplete the water in the bucket.
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Even if you, you know, take a big handful of water and scoop
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it out of the bucket, there's still plenty more in the bucket.
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Because over time, the couple has continued to just drip,
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drip, drip. Ways that build up trust, ways
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that build up turning towards each other and being responsive
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and available to each other, which ultimately creates a sense
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of safety and security in the relationship.
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So when we start talking about repairs, of course, we can't do
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that without understanding what what is a rupture.
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And so just real briefly, ruptures are moments of
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disconnection. They're moments of
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misunderstanding, emotional injury or or some unfelt
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emotional safety. And so ruptures can be large,
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they can be small, they can be medium sized.
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You know, it depends on the person and how they perceive it.
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Certainly a misunderstanding might be a small rupture between
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a client, excuse me, between a couple and and and ruptures can
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certainly happen, by the way, between clients and their
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therapists and their and their coaches for sure that can happen
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as well. So ruptures can happen in any
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and all relationships. They can happen between fathers
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and daughters and and sons and and fathers and mothers and in
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any kind of relationship. I see lots of ruptures that can
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happen between colleagues at work, different ideas.
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Some companies were built on ruptures because in that, in,
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in, in having the rupture, it is sure that somehow the best ideas
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were actually floated to the top.
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So I've seen Steve Jobs talk about that before.
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That conflict is healthy and it's good because it it allows
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that friction, which then generates some of the best ideas
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to come to the top. When you have to really go to
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the mat and fight for your idea and, and justify it and, you
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know, really fight for that, then sometimes that that process
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in and of itself ends up creating a a better idea.
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So ruptures, ruptures are common.
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They're not all unhealthy. I know some people do not like
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conflict, and I certainly understand that some people shy
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away from conflict for sure. But ruptures don't have to be
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conflictual, and they don't have to be something to avoid either.
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Essentially, they're just moments of disconnection,
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misunderstanding that they can be an emotional injury.
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There can be hurt behind a rupture and it's certainly
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depending on the way the partners show up and protect
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themselves, move into their protection or their defenses can
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create sense of emotional unsafety in the moment.
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If your partner responds to ruptures in a very angry way,
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then that certainly in a moment can create the feeling of
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emotional or lack of emotional safety for you, that it's hard
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for you to be able to communicate in that moment.
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All you want to do is just simply deescalate and and not
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have the conflict get any worse and that can make it feel very
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unsafe. So ruptures really are, as I
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said, they can be large, they can be small, but they're
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moments of disconnection. And that process usually unfolds
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where, you know, we're connected to our partner, we have some
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kind of rupture that that creates disconnection now.
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Now we're feeling disconnected. The emotional bond is strained
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in the relationship. It doesn't mean it's broken, but
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it can be certainly be strained. And then what happens is the
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couple has to find their way back to a repair.
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How do we get back to a place where we're OK and where we feel
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reconnected? And that's where our questions
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are going to come in today. The whole point of this podcast,
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because I think there are 4 fundamental questions that a
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couple has to ask themselves. And let me just even expatiate
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this bigger. It didn't even have to be a
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couple. It rupture in any relationship.
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I think if they asked themselves these four questions, we're
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going to get to here in just a moment that they will know
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whether they made an effective repair or not.
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But when that couple is disconnected, when they're
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caught in a rupture, what I see a lot is these negative cycles
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that can take hold and keep the relationship stuck in
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disconnection. And this oftentimes, I think, is
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where our attachment fears get triggered.
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Our attachment fears and longings get triggered.
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And as a result, we move into our protective styles, which
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essentially is like, you know, insecure attachment styles,
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anxious, avoidant, disorganized is a type of protection.
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It's a way our body has learned to protect us when we are
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disconnected. And so those ruptures tend to
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activate our attachment fears, and so our fear of abandonment,
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of rejection, of engulfment, of not being good enough, of being
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unloved, all these deeper fears that inform many of our
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assumptions about our relationships and ourselves and
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sometimes the world. Those assumptions that we hold
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deep down about the way things should be or the way things are,
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those get activated. And so certainly when that
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happens, we can get caught in these cycles.
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And we've talked about this before, certainly with
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attachment cycles, where if you have an anxious attachment style
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and an avoidant attachment style, you have what we often
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call a pursue withdrawal cycle because the attachment person is
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seeking reconnection, but they're doing so in a way that
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often comes across as critical or highly anxious and highly
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emotional. And so that often tends to
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overwhelm the more avoidant partner who then begins to move
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away and shut down. And so you have this cycle that
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can go around and around for the couple in terms of them trying
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to catch each other in a place where they can actually repair
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and get back to reconnection. So that's just a little bit
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about the the rupture process, right?
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Moments of disconnection, misunderstanding and emotional
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injury, often accompanied with a feeling emotionally unsafe.
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All couples argue and disconnect at times and this is actually a
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normal and healthy part of all relationships.
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And I want to add that you've probably, if you're a fan of
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this channel at all, you've heard me say that before.
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Ruptures are not to be avoided because often times they can air
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issues that have been brewing under the surface.
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Anyway, the goal is to be able to handle ruptures in a healthy
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way so that the couple can get back to a place where they feel
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good about the relationship, They feel more heard and
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understood, and they feel like that's an effective repair.
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I heard recently that Travis Kelsey, he's got a podcast, by
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the way, if you didn't know that and he's dating a singer, you
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might have heard of her name is Taylor Swift.
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That he, he mentioned recently that they've never had an
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argument, that he and Taylor have never had an argument in
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the two 2 1/2 years they've been together, however long.
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And, and that may be true. I mean, I believe that sometimes
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in the early stages of a relationship, our best selves
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are showing up. We're highly flexible and
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accommodating to our partners wants and needs and we're just
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happy that this person is in love with us.
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And, and we kind of have this euphoria, if you will, this
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dopamine rush. They are that's also called the
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love drug because dopamine makes us feel really good and it sort
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of floods into our our brain and a lot of times we don't have
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conflict and, and I totally get that.
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And I think that is actually an important stage in couplehood is
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having that early period of couples where they're really
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increasing the connection and the bond between them.
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And it's very possible during those times that they don't have
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a lot of arguments. However, what I would say is
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that as Travis and Taylor go into their marriage together,
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they're missing some vital information about the
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relationship. Now, I guarantee they're going
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to learn it and, and I'm not at all worried about them.
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I'm not. And this has really even less to
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do with Travis and Taylor Swift then the example that you know,
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not having arguments means that you're missing vital information
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about your partner and the relationship.
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Knowing how your partner shows up in times of disconnection,
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knowing how your partner moves into their protection, ways that
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they are trying to get what they need, but those ways they're
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trying to get that may actually work against them.
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They may actually be self fulfilling prophecies.
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The person that feels abandoned by their partner, by trying to
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turn up the heat and force their partner to take accountability
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with all of their anxiety focused on their partner, tends
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to push their partner away and increase the fear of feeling
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abandoned. And so this is valuable
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information that we have about our partner, that we have about
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anybody that we're in a relationship with.
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And so my only example is that we need to be able to have some
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of that information in order to be able to make effective
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repairs. And so when Travis and Taylor
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begin to have some disagreements, have some
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arguments. Now granted, they don't have
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exactly all the same pressures that every other couple might
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have, especially financially, they're doing quite well for
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themselves. So it may not be over a
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financial issue. It could be over a whole host of
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other issues, but when that finally shows up for them,
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they're going to be able to take that information.
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And now they've got the opportunity to really deepen
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their relationship to go to a place that they haven't been
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able to go before because they've seen different sides of
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their partner show up in those moments.
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I'm going to tell him myself here a minute because I my wife
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and I had a rupture the other day.
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And I think this is a great example of, of, of a rupture and
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repair process. Now, I am in no way setting
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myself up as an expert here. Just because I know all of this
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stuff and I work with this stuff every single day doesn't mean I
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always get it right. And I think this is an example
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of how I got it wrong with my wife.
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She had a, we recently had a close relative of ours pass away
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and she had a beautiful card that she wanted to send to my
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uncle. And she had wrote, written this
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beautiful message on the inside and signed it.
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And she wanted me to come sign the card as well.
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And so I come over and the card was kind of tucked in an
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envelope and the envelope, the, the front of it was kind of
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open. And somehow I thought that was
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like the, the front of the card or something.
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Anyway, I ended up signing my name to the front of the card,
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not the inside where the message was written.
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I didn't even bother to open the card.
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I just sort of in my I, I don't, you know, in my brain, somehow I
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thought I, I there it is. I'm going to sign it.
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This is where I need to sign. And I, I just was not paying
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attention clearly. So you can imagine that my wife
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might have been a little upset that basically I ruined the
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card, right? And we can no longer really send
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the card because my name stuck out on the front, which looks
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really weird. I totally agree to that.
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And of course, she was upset by this.
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Well, you know, I heard her say, what did you do?
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And I was in another room and I came.
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And when I realized my mistake, I laughed.
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Well, that was not really appropriate and, and that sort
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of deepened the rupture right there.
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And I get it. I understand why it makes sense.
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I was almost laughing in a way at her hard work at what she had
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done to try to make this card special for our our relative and
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stuff. And I wasn't laughing at her.
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I was laughing at my own silliness of not paying
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attention and having signed the card.
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And so of course, that made matters even worse and and that
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created a rupture. And so, you know, I'm said, I
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said, I'm sorry. You know, she was still upset
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for a while. I totally get it.
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We had a party that we had to go to that night.
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So we had to figure out, or at least I was thinking in my mind,
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how do I repair this? So we can actually go to this
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party and and enjoy it and be some with some close friends of
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ours. So, you know, we talked about it
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a little bit. Nothing was really quite
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resolved. So as as we pulled into the
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driveway of our friend's house for this party, I just stopped
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the car and I leaned over and I said I am sorry.
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I said I was clearly not paying attention.
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And I could see how me laughing actually made it worse.
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And I was not trying to laugh at you or the fact that you're
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upset by this. I was laughing at my own
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stupidity for signing the the the front of the card.
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And she was a little still upset.
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She couldn't quite settle into my apology yet.
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And that's OK. I, I sense that she kind of
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started to, to go on and, and make some more excuses about why
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she was upset. And I said something about, Hey,
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I'm, I'm trying to apologize here.
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Can we, can, you know, we, can we get to a better place here?
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And we kind of did, but it really wasn't where I thought it
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was. We went in, we had a great
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party. We were fine.
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After the party later that evening, I brought it up again
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and we made an even better repair.
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So here's an example of a rupture.
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And obviously this is not a huge rupture, right?
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Obviously, this was not something that was going to end
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our relationship. There was not a sense of a lack
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of emotional safety or anything like that.
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There was a repair attempt made. As you can see, that was not
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completely accepted right away. She wasn't in a place to be able
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to completely accept that. So I'm like, OK, I'll go back
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and I'll make another attempt later.
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And so I did. And everything, you know, worked
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out fine. We, we made that repair.
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We can even kind of laugh at it right now as we speak to each
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other. So that's always a good thing
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when you can laugh about, you know, one person's lack of
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attention to detail. But it is that kind of example
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of the ruption repair and and being able sometimes to make
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multiple repair attempts. So when I reflect on that, I
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asked myself what what happened? And I think there's a couple of
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things metaphors that I think kind of bring this alive.
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First of all, there were, there was multiple repair attempts and
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I did not. And again, I'm not saying I'm
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perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but when I tried to
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repair and she was not on a place to be able to accept that,
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I did not get so butthurt that I I got defensive and got deeply
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into my protection. It's possible if we'd been back
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in the house, not going into a party and she'd started back up,
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maybe that would have been a trigger for me and maybe I would
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have said sort of to myself, OK, fine, I've made an apology.
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If you can't accept it, that's your problem.
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And, and not gone back and made another choice or, or tried to
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repair again, that's very possible.
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I'm, I'm human. I can make mistakes and I can
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get triggered and, and defensive as well.
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But I, I think one of the metaphors I like to think about
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this is that, you know, a musician tuning their instrument
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between songs. Sometimes we have to fine tune
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things between the ruptures. And so, you know, even the best
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musicians go out of tune every now and then.
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And that's very much like our relationships, right?
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Sometimes they go out of tune. Sometimes we have a rupture and
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we got to figure out how do we get back in tune.
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And so healthy couples tend to pause, listen and and try to
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retune. Before they continue on,
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sometimes they can do that in the moment.
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We did not do that. That was this is not an example
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of where I was able to make a repair in the moment.
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My laughing actually made it worse.
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So we weren't able to repair in the moment, but certainly being
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able to come back and repair at other moments is absolutely
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crucial. So, you know, listening and
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realigning often times rather than trying to push through
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disconnection or, or try to get triggered and get my backup.
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Like, OK, well, I've, I've tried.
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And if you can't accept it, that's your price said I was
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sorry, you know, and, and escalating things, sometimes
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being able to repair means we got to just fine tune and retune
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ourselves as we go along. And so I, I, I tend to think
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about, OK, this was a moment where we needed to retune.
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It was not a moment that I needed to avoid.
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It obviously wasn't a huge rupture either, but it wasn't a
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moment that I felt like I needed to to avoid or I couldn't step
21:30
back into in order to try to make a repair attempt.
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And when I did, I tried to be very sincere.
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I tried to sort of lower and slow my voice so that she knew.
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I also reached out and touched her arm in a gentle way.
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These are all little attempts that she could tell that, hey,
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I'm trying to make a repair attempt here.
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This is this is my attempt to try to fix things and retune our
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relationship. And so I, I like that kind of
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musical metaphor, if you will, because that that's very common.
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Sometimes relationships get out of tune.
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And if you've ever gone to a concert, you know, especially
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with guitars, guitars are famous for being out of tune.
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You almost have to retune between every single song.
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And so you often see little tuners stuck on the ends of
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guitars, even, even with famous musicians and stuff.
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Or they've got a pedal on the floor and you see them kind of
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looking down and they're completely retuning their guitar
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between songs. And maybe they're talking to the
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audience a little bit or whatever, but they're fine
22:38
tuning their instrument before they launch into the next song.
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The other metaphor is sort of the the bone that heals stronger
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at the break. Sometimes when there's much more
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severe ruptures that happen, maybe an affair or broken trust.
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It could be, you know, hiding money or a gambling problem or
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alcoholism in a relationship. But when there's, you know, much
23:05
more severe ruptures, then sometimes being able to repair
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means that we can strengthen the bond through healing and, and,
23:15
and not avoiding those breaks, that we can actually become
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stronger in the broken places, which often happens with a bone.
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And so those are just a couple of metaphors to try to, I don't
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know, bring this concept alive. Now you heard my own personal
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story. Feel free to comment.
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Feel free to let me know what I got wrong, what I could have
23:38
done better, because I know I didn't show up perfectly for my
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wife in in that in that regard. And it was my own lack of
23:48
attention to detail that made the mistake.
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And I fully take responsibility for that as well.
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But when I reflect on that now, I think about, OK, what, what
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are, how was that eventually we made an effective repair?
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What can I learn from that moment about myself, about her,
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about, about our pattern at times?
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And what was it that ultimately helped us to repair?
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And so I think those are the four fundamental questions we
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have to ask when we have a repair with our partner and, and
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we've kind of gotten back to a place of connection, being able
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to use that rupture in, in the most efficacious way, in the
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most in the best way that benefits us so that we can learn
24:43
from what happened as a couple and we can grow together from
24:47
what happened. And I I'm not, that's what I
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mean by efficacious. How can we learn from this and
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not repeat the same pattern or the same mistakes?
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And how can we grow together from this by understanding
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something deeper about ourselves?
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And so those are the four different questions that I think
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are really important to know. What did I learn about my
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partner? What did I learn about myself?
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What did I contribute to the pattern or the cycle that
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escalated? And what helped us repair?
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So if we sort of break this down a little bit, you know, what did
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I learn about my partner? Well, I, I probably didn't learn
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anything new in this particular case, but it reconfirmed what I
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already knew about her. She takes a lot of pride in
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sending out cards. They're important to her.
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She's always been somewhat, she probably wouldn't like this
25:47
term, but somewhat rigid when it comes to signing cards, writing
25:51
notes. She thinks they're a lost art.
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And I completely agree. We don't send handwritten notes
25:57
like we used to anymore. And it's a much more digital
26:00
world. And so this is just her way, and
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I love this about her of doing something special for somebody,
26:07
you know, going and getting a card and writing something
26:11
personal in there and then signing it.
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That is just sort of a little bit of love and care for
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somebody that you care about. And it's reviving a lost art.
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And I really love that about her.
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And but I also know that she can she can have a little bit of
26:27
perfectionism when it comes to, you know, having the cards just
26:32
right. And so I didn't learn that, but
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I certainly relearned it, if you will, about my partner that Oh
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yes, I need to be careful about cards in particular because this
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is really important to her. And you know what, if it's
26:47
important to her, it should be important to me too.
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And So what did I learn about myself?
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Well, I, I learned that I certainly need to pay more
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attention to some of the details.
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This, again, probably isn't anything new.
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I know about myself. I tend to be a more big picture
27:04
person. I tend to think and talk more
27:07
globally than at very detailed specific levels of things.
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And oftentimes I can miss those details.
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And details can matter. Details are important.
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They're not all that's important.
27:19
Sometimes we can get so bogged down in details that that we
27:23
actually slow progress. And you know, we need progress
27:27
over perfection. But one of the things I know
27:29
about myself as I have to slow myself down enough to make sure
27:33
I pay attention more to the details.
27:36
And so, you know, when I asked myself, you know, what?
27:39
Were there any fears or concerns or feelings or perspectives that
27:43
I learned about myself? Oh, yeah, for sure, Tom, Slow
27:48
yourself down enough to pay attention to the details.
27:51
Take that extra second to line up.
27:54
OK. Is what's happening here?
27:56
What is this about? Let me take a look at this and
27:59
slow myself down South. I'm not making any mistakes in
28:03
the moment and usually things workout much better for me when
28:07
I do that. I don't have to repeat things
28:10
because I've made mistakes. I can't tell you the number of
28:12
times where I've tried to create a document or something and I
28:15
didn't proofread it as well. And I've got all the graphics
28:19
and everything, and I go to print it out and then I'm
28:21
reading it and I'm thinking, oh gosh, here's a mistake here,
28:24
here's a mistake there. Now I've got to fix those and
28:27
then reprint it. And I've just wasted ink.
28:30
So I know this about myself. I need to slow myself down.
28:34
How did I contribute to the pattern or the cycle?
28:37
Well, certainly laughing did not help.
28:41
So that definitely contributed to the cycle and I needed to
28:45
take ownership for that. And I did.
28:47
And I'm proud of myself for doing that.
28:50
I was, I wanted to clarify as well, because I was not laughing
28:53
at her. I was laughing at my mistake.
28:56
Because if you could have seen the card, it, it might have been
29:00
kind of funny to you too. But you, you do see this, this
29:03
scribble of a name on, on the very front of it and it stands
29:07
out and it, it looks ridiculous. And so I was laughing at that,
29:11
not at her. And so I wanted to make sure I
29:14
clarified that, but I absolutely needed to be able to take
29:18
ownership for, for my mistake and what I did.
29:22
And then finally, what is it that helped us repair?
29:25
I think there were several things.
29:27
I think 1 is that when I reached over and I, I gently touched her
29:31
arm. There was a sincerity to that
29:33
that I'm sure registered in her nonverbal brain.
29:37
She felt my my warm touch. It wasn't, I didn't grip her
29:41
arm. It wasn't hard.
29:42
I just kind of, you know, gently put my hand on her arm.
29:47
I lowered my voice. She could hear in my tone that I
29:50
was trying to be sincere and probably part of her, again, in
29:55
her non verbal, the right side of her brain down through her
29:59
nervous system felt like, OK, he's trying to repair things
30:02
here. He's trying to apologize.
30:04
So I think all of that helped. I think when she was in a place
30:08
where she didn't couldn't immediately accept it.
30:10
I think she was in a place where she didn't feel fully understood
30:13
yet. And so I didn't get more of my
30:16
backup, you know, even when I said, hey, I'm trying to repair
30:19
here, can you accept it? She, she was not able to do
30:23
that. And so I'm like, OK, well, this
30:25
is just isn't going to work right now.
30:28
And that's OK. And then I was able to come back
30:30
later that evening and we could talk about it and she was in a
30:34
better place. And so we were able to really
30:38
make a more complete and full repair.
30:41
And so I use myself as an example again, this is not a
30:45
huge rupture. There was not, you know, massive
30:47
broken trust here. But I think what that does is it
30:51
does answer the four fundamental questions that I think are so
30:54
important to ask when we've been able to repair something as to
30:59
whether it's been a good repair or not.
31:02
And the reason I think repairs are so vital in relationships is
31:06
because of my experience of working with individuals and
31:09
couples with relational and attachment trauma is that when
31:14
they're in a relationship that can make repairs, it is
31:18
something different than what they had when the original
31:22
trauma was created. What I mean by that is that when
31:26
trauma happened, or was created if you will, through a series of
31:31
events, they were made worse by never having the repairs in the
31:38
either the previous relationship or your family growing up.
31:42
Meaning the lack of repairs often is what creates trauma.
31:46
It's not always the event itself, although some events
31:49
certainly can, but often times it can be small things that
31:54
never get repaired. For example, what if my wife and
31:58
I never came back and repaired what had happened, and then the
32:03
next day we had another smaller repair that was another smaller
32:07
rupture that was never repaired. And then the next day we had
32:10
another one. And now all of a sudden we are
32:14
tilting the scale to having more arguments, more ruptures, more
32:21
common. That's going to actually
32:23
increase our sense of negativity about our partner.
32:27
It's going to feel like they have no insight into themselves.
32:30
They do not understand their contribution to the ruptures.
32:34
They do not understand us. We don't feel heard or
32:37
understood as their partner. And we sweep things under the
32:40
rug so that they never get resolved.
32:43
And I think what this does is this just perpetuates and
32:47
repeats trauma in our lives. And so that's part of why I
32:53
think repairing is absolutely vital.
32:56
Because oftentimes learning how to repair with our partner
33:00
actually means that we're healing the trauma that they
33:04
might have had in the past or that we might have had in the
33:07
past. By having a different experience
33:11
of what it's like to come together and, and work through
33:14
differences, work through impasses, work through
33:18
disconnection, work through moments of unsafety or, or
33:23
injury and being able to repair that and get back to a place of
33:28
connection. All right, thank you so much for
33:32
listening. I hope this was helpful.
33:34
My name is Tom Phillip and I'm here to remind you to stay
33:38
grounded, clear and connect.