Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S1 Ep21: Childhood, Comedy, and Characters

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S1 Ep21: Childhood, Comedy, and Characters · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: So we decided what the heck, we'll do it here.
• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: But why in the world did I want to do a monster special?
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: Well, growing up as a, you know, I always enjoyed Frankenstein.
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: I love the Dracula, I love the mummy, all those monsters.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: I love scaring people, I love being scared.
• 0:11
  SPEAKER_00: I think it started about the age of five.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: I was an only child.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: And remember the some of you may remember the cars back then.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_00: The American automobiles were these huge giant things.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't have seat belts, there were no kids' seats.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: I was an only kid in the back seat.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: These back seats were eight feet wide.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: One big log bench.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: I could run back and forth on the bench.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: On the floor, the only thing in the way was a hump.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: You'd trip over the hump if you didn't see it.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: The back window, you could lay in the back window, I would do that.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: It was fantastic.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_00: And I would run around back there, and when my mother was driving, she wouldn't pay any attention to me.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: And my mother, still to this day, has a big giant beehive hairdo.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Pretty much Marge Simpson hair, but not the same color.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I'm saying?
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Looks like that.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: She also has these giant curlers that she uses, and she put them all over her hair.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember standing in the back seat and I would look at her hair, this big giant beehive of hairdo all held together with Aquanette.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: And these big giant curlers would make these holes, would look like caves to me.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: I imagined they were a maze of caves in her hair like this.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: I remember standing back there staring at the hair, and then I looked over on the seat of the car, and oh, there's a little rubber plastic spider, a black spider.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is all true.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: I took that black spider and I put it right on the edge of one of the curls.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Fantastic.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Look great.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sitting there looking at it and I thought, nah, that's not good enough.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: I found a pencil.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: I took the pencil.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: She's not paying attention.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: This is all true.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: Didn't know I was doing this.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: And I took that pencil and ever so gently pushed it back to the back of the curl, deep into the caves of curls.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: Gone.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: Four days later.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: I am not kidding.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Four days later, my bedroom was right next to my parents' bathroom.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: My mother would comb out her hair about once a month.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: It was four days later, she's in the bathroom combing out her hair.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: The blood-criddling scream that came when that spider fell out onto her lap was worth the beating I took later that night.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: So as I grew up, I uh learned to appreciate all those monster things.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then when I had children, I taught my children that scaring and being scared was a great thing.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: My youngest daughter, Kenna, when she was a little kid, she was a master at scaring people.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: And when you're scared, there's one of two things that happens to you.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: You have one of two emotions usually.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: And it's usually fight or flight.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: And you don't know which one you're gonna do until you're actually really, really scared.
• 2:50
  SPEAKER_00: And I'd never been really, really scared until my daughter started scaring me.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: This little twirl it could jump out of nowhere in the middle of the darkness and like waah.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: And I wasn't a flight, I didn't scream like a girl or run away.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: I started punching.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: The worst was uh when I was upstairs in the master bathroom, I was cleaning a toilet, I had the plunger, I was plunging the toilet, I got finished, I was walking down the hall in the middle of the night like this, she jumped out of nowhere.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: My first reaction was like, whoa, whoa! And she's like, hey, dad, almost killed me with the plunger.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Woo! She's laughing.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: That little kid would hide underneath my desk in my office.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: I had a desk that was fully enclosed.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: We'd sit underneath it, there was a little cave under there.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: She learned to hide under there, and she would sit there patiently.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's what's so evil about it.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: She would wait for 10 minutes and then reach out and grab my legs and be like, She eventually learned to take a pillow with her.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: She'd be like, ah, what the oh.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: Ninth grade came along, I decided to do the same thing.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: This was the bicentennial year in our country, 1976.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: I was a patriotic lad, but I didn't want to dress like Uncle Sam.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: No, apparently, I wanted to dress like a 4th of July picnic table cover.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the funniest thing to me about that photo is the fact that I have braces.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: Why is that funny?
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: Well, the rest of my life I'm gonna be talking with my mouth shut, so what's the point?
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: I know most of you are looking at these photos and thinking, this is the saddest human being we've ever met.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Did you have any friends?
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, I did.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: Here we are sitting in my bedroom one day.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: So now I had about 15 minutes in my show.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: I knew I wanted to add something else, some variety.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: I thought, music?
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, something cool.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: Rock and roll guitar?
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: No, something cooler.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: I'll play the trombone.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna let I'm gonna let this photo soak in just for a minute.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: There is so much wrong here, ladies and gentlemen.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: Let's start with the least obvious, and that's my dummy up in the corner, listening to we play the trombone.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: But now, let's talk about fashion, shall we?
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: How did my mother even let me out of the house?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: And this wasn't some accident on a Saturday morning where I accidentally threw on the wrong clothes.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: This was an outfit I wore to school regularly.
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know why I didn't get beat up on a regular basis.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: I must have gone to the store and said, Do you have any pants that don't even go with themselves?
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: This next photo, you know, my parents were supportive, but every once in a while in a child's life, the parents must step in and say, enough is enough.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: Apparently, my parents did not do this, as is evidenced by this next photo.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, there is none of these photos have been photoshopped.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: Everything is legit.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Everything's real.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: I promise you.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: So that's how sad it is.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: But this next photograph, I don't remember how it happened.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: All I know is that we went to the professional portrait studio, and this was the family portrait that hung in our living room this big for years.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: And the weird part is my my parents had family and and friends over for parties a lot.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: And this was hanging right there in plain view, and no one ever said anything.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: They must have thought, well, the food's good, let's go to the mentally ill people's house.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: All right, so that's that's high school.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: High school.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: And time to pick up chicks.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Disco was king.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: I had my silk shirt, my dummy, and my porn mustache.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this this next photo I found in a box just recently.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know, and some photos just go without explanation.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't remember what this was, I don't remember what was going on, I don't know.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_00: Let's examine this, shall we?
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm standing in my parents' front yard.
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_00: On the hood of this vehicle is the largest stuffed animal known to man.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how it got it home, I don't know why it was there, I don't know what the hell it is.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Also on the hood of the vehicle is R2D2.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: My dummy is dressed up like a bad Luke Skywalker knockoff.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm wearing a frickin' Hawaiian shirt.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's like Tom Selig jumped out of the closet and went, guess the what?
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: The first guy I'd like to introduce to you, I think audiences enjoy because everyone knows someone like this.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know someone like this in your own family or where you work.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: Please help me welcome my old friend Walter.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: Get alive.
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: What the hell happened to your hair?
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Looks like you're in a frickin' car wreck.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: Well, they said it makes me look hip.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: I think it makes you look homeless.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: Been in DC for two days and you're already frickin' homeless.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Holy crap.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: Come on, Walter, do you like being in DC?
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, there's nothing quite like being mugged in our nation's capital.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Come on, there's a lot of excitement that goes on here in Washington, DC.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Oh I know, yeah, what happens in DC stays on YouTube.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: You're saying you don't like being in D.C.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: Oh no, I like it.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: I get screwed on my taxes every year, so it's fun to come visit the stores.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: What'd you do for fun today?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: I stood in front of the IRS building, just slipped them off.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: Did you go to the White House?
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, that's where the most powerful man in the free world lives.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: Ultra.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: What's wrong with you tonight?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just pissed.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to go home.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: Why not?
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: I think my house is haunted.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Why do you think that?
• 11:17
  SPEAKER_00: My wife is there.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_00: I walk in the front door and all I hear is get out.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: You guys got another argument on the phone today, didn't you?
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you heard a little bit of that, did you?
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: I hung up on her.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: Not good, no.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: She called right back and she goes, did you hang up on me?
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: I said, I don't know, it sounds something like this, Click.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: Did that make her angry?
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I felt a disturbance in the force.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: You ever made it that mad when you're standing right in front of her?
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: What'd you do?
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Well, my mother always told me when you're in a gym and don't know what to do, you should think, what would Jesus do?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: So I tried to turn her into a fish.
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: I stood there going, leave on Satan.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, shamel.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Well, shamel has only one blue hole.