Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S2E3 - Understanding and Addressing Big Emotions in Siblings

Transcript

S2E3 - Understanding and Addressing Big Emotions in Siblings · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

• 0:02
  You're listening to the
• 0:03
  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 0:08
  Hi, I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks, The Kid Counselor.
• 0:11
  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give
• 0:13
  you insight awareness and enlightenment about your parenting
• 0:16
  and your relationship with your kids.
• 0:19
  In today's episode, I am answering a question from Heather from Florida.
• 0:23
  Another person in my neck of the woods. So nice to have you listening Heather.
• 0:27
  So thank you for emailing me.
• 0:29
  And her question is about how to handle
• 0:34
  big emotions in kids that cause big reactions
• 0:38
  and when it is
• 0:41
  aimed at siblings.
• 0:43
  So I'm going to read parts of her email and I think so many of you will relate.
• 0:48
  I think this is one of the biggest struggles is recognizing
• 0:52
  how to address an individual child's needs. So big, sensitive kid, right?
• 0:59
  Motions are big, behaviors are big
• 1:02
  and I have to be able to honor and respect and recognize that in that child.
• 1:07
  But then that child's behavior impacts the other siblings and how to mitigate
• 1:13
  and deal with that. So
• 1:15
  thank you Heather so much for writing in and I'll share a little
• 1:18
  bit of her email with you all and then I'll share some thoughts.
• 1:21
  So she says I have three boys, 10, 8 and five,
• 1:27
  I sometimes struggle to regulate and recognize my own emotions.
• 1:30
  So my kids and I are learning this together.
• 1:32
  Sound familiar.
• 1:34
  I, as we related aside,
• 1:36
  I am a huge country music fan.
• 1:38
  I don't know how many of you all know that if you've been with me for a while,
• 1:40
  I know I've mentioned it, but
• 1:42
  for those of you who might be new. Welcome.
• 1:44
  And for full disclosure, I love country music.
• 1:47
  Just got back from two huge country music concerts last week and it was like my
• 1:52
  happy place for 48 hours.
• 1:55
  So there's a song by Gabby Barrett and she is known for writing songs that are very,
• 2:01
  very personal to her life and what's going on.
• 2:04
  And she writes songs about her husband and her kids. And so
• 2:07
  one of her most recent songs says I'm paraphrasing now,
• 2:11
  but something along the lines of
• 2:13
  the greatest thing I'll ever do is growing up raising you.
• 2:17
  And she's talking about how she's scared to death to be a mom.
• 2:20
  And she has these kids that, you know, are looking to her for the answers and,
• 2:25
  and all the things that she's supposed to do. Right. And so the premise is
• 2:28
  the greatest thing I'll ever do is growing up raising you. So
• 2:32
  I was thinking about that Heather when I read this, that you're,
• 2:35
  you're learning this together with your kids.
• 2:37
  And isn't that a special thing
• 2:39
  to recognize? That maybe we never learned this as kids for a variety of reasons.
• 2:44
  So now we're learning it together and we're helping our kids learn it.
• 2:47
  I think that's so special.
• 2:50
  So she says I want to share a scenario with you and get your
• 2:52
  opinion on the best on the best way to handle this type of behavior
• 2:55
  because my oldest son has big emotions that are hard for him and me to handle at times.
• 3:00
  All right. So she shared a scenario, I'm going to summarize a little bit,
• 3:04
  but basically
• 3:06
  the oldest forgot to do an assignment
• 3:08
  for school. And so there was a delay because he was trying to finish it
• 3:14
  in the morning before school
• 3:16
  also sound familiar, right?
• 3:18
  So
• 3:18
  because of the delay, they left the house late
• 3:21
  and it was raining and for those of you Floridians,
• 3:24
  not that most of you are natives. I realize there's only like six of us. But
• 3:28
  if you live in Florida,
• 3:30
  you know what our rain is like.
• 3:32
  So she bothered to say it was crazy rain, which I completely understand
• 3:37
  and her oldest likes to be early for school
• 3:39
  and doesn't like being rushed.
• 3:41
  So as soon as they loaded up the car, he was upset,
• 3:44
  screaming as to why mom didn't tell him we were leaving late,
• 3:49
  et cetera, et cetera.
• 3:50
  So now all of a sudden
• 3:52
  circumstances dictate that sensitive kid with
• 3:56
  big feelings is feeling overwhelmed,
• 3:58
  caught off guard, surprised, et cetera.
• 4:01
  OK.
• 4:02
  So that
• 4:04
  now pushes us into childs going to react.
• 4:08
  So he is yelling. Why didn't you tell me we were leaving late et cetera.
• 4:13
  So, Heather reflected his feelings.
• 4:15
  You're angry that you forgot to do your homework and had to finish it this morning.
• 4:19
  Very helpful.
• 4:20
  Let's talk about our, our reflecting feelings pillar right there for a second.
• 4:25
  He is feeling a big emotion and heather you validated that
• 4:29
  really, really helpful, very on target.
• 4:31
  And you even returned responsibility.
• 4:34
  You're angry, you forgot to do your homework and had to finish it this morning.
• 4:36
  It's very clear that that was a choice that he made
• 4:40
  and now that is contributing to the circumstance.
• 4:44
  And then also
• 4:47
  you're anxious about being late for school.
• 4:50
  Also important because he is now concerned that we left late.
• 4:54
  I might not be to school on time.
• 4:56
  Ok?
• 4:57
  So his emotions get high really quickly take a long time to get back down.
• 5:01
  This is gonna be especially hard when you're trapped in the car. Yes.
• 5:05
  OK.
• 5:06
  So then this is where it kind of takes the turn.
• 5:09
  So now he turns towards his brothers and starts saying mean things to them.
• 5:13
  So he's saying to his younger brothers, you can't even talk,
• 5:17
  nobody can even understand you, you can't even do division.
• 5:21
  So this is now
• 5:23
  his
• 5:25
  big feelings coming out in aggression toward his siblings.
• 5:29
  All right.
• 5:30
  So Heather says these attacks are usually unprovoked.
• 5:33
  His brothers are minding their own business.
• 5:35
  I cannot let him attack his brothers and put them down.
• 5:38
  But I've never figured out how to handle it.
• 5:41
  And then says,
• 5:42
  I've talked with him at calm moments about how we don't talk to people like that.
• 5:46
  We don't call names or put down other people.
• 5:48
  But in times of high emotion, he continues to do this.
• 5:52
  So then the final question is
• 5:54
  I always emphasize with him, but how can
• 5:57
  oh sorry, empathize? I'm sure is what you meant.
• 6:00
  So once again, I always empathize with him,
• 6:02
  but how can I help him be in his feelings without attacking anyone else?
• 6:07
  All right, Heather,
• 6:08
  thank you so much for the email and this is
• 6:10
  such a consistent issue across the board for almost anybody with
• 6:15
  multiple children.
• 6:17
  So I really appreciate your vulnerability and reaching out with
• 6:20
  this scenario so that we can unpack it together.
• 6:22
  That'll be really helpful for everybody.
• 6:24
  The path to calm, confident and in control parenting starts now.
• 6:33
  All right. So let's talk about what's going on because the why matters.
• 6:38
  You're going to hear me say that ad nauseam
• 6:41
  and you're going to understand the value of starting
• 6:44
  to filter everything through the lens of why.
• 6:47
  Because if we focus on what is said
• 6:50
  or what is done
• 6:51
  or the emotions or the behavior,
• 6:54
  we miss the opportunity to really deeply understand what is driving
• 6:58
  what's going on inside the child.
• 7:00
  So the why is always important
• 7:03
  and in this case,
• 7:05
  it's powerlessness.
• 7:07
  So let's make sense of that.
• 7:10
  He
• 7:12
  felt powerless that he had to hurry up and try to finish his homework.
• 7:17
  He felt powerless that you left late.
• 7:20
  He felt powerless over how big his feelings got.
• 7:24
  He felt powerless over fear of not making it to school on time.
• 7:29
  Probably had been feeling powerless about fear of
• 7:32
  getting in trouble for not doing his homework.
• 7:35
  You know what if I don't finish it? What if I get a bad grade, whatever?
• 7:38
  So there's all of these, what ifs running through his brain
• 7:42
  and all of these scenarios make him feel that
• 7:45
  he has no control over anything that's going on.
• 7:49
  So when you have a child that feels that they are in a state
• 7:53
  of powerlessness,
• 7:55
  they will try to grasp at any measure of power and control that they can get.
• 8:00
  Which is why he starts yelling,
• 8:03
  which is why he starts attacking,
• 8:05
  which is why he gets verbally aggressive
• 8:09
  because
• 8:10
  what is happening inside is
• 8:13
  I feel like I have no control.
• 8:16
  So the only thing I know to do
• 8:18
  is to try to take control over something or someone.
• 8:23
  And there's a hierarchy. This is kind of related aside,
• 8:27
  there's a hierarchy in a family
• 8:29
  of
• 8:30
  the power flow.
• 8:33
  So
• 8:34
  if you think about it, it's almost always oldest to youngest
• 8:38
  and or its biggest to smallest
• 8:41
  and or its strongest to weakest.
• 8:44
  So let's think through this
• 8:46
  in a standard
• 8:49
  tier.
• 8:51
  It's going to be
• 8:53
  dad, mom, oldest middle, youngest pet.
• 9:00
  So when we think in terms of
• 9:04
  a child is going to only have power and control
• 9:08
  capacity
• 9:09
  over younger siblings
• 9:11
  or weaker siblings or smaller siblings.
• 9:16
  It makes sense that your oldest is going
• 9:18
  to take advantage of having two younger brothers
• 9:21
  over which he can exert his power and control
• 9:24
  and it's feigned power and control because quite honestly saying
• 9:28
  you can't even do division.
• 9:30
  It doesn't really put him in any position of power and control,
• 9:33
  but it makes him feel powerful.
• 9:36
  So if we understand the why that helps because that helps us address it,
• 9:42
  that helps us talk about it, that helps us figure out antidotes for it,
• 9:47
  et cetera, et cetera. So, Heather reflecting his feeling is
• 9:51
  one of the most helpful things that you can do.
• 9:54
  So continue to do that,
• 9:55
  but filter it through the lens of he feels that he has no control over the situation.
• 9:59
  So he's trying to take control now,
• 10:02
  that would be something that you could also acknowledge.
• 10:06
  It makes you feel like you don't have a say in any of this. So you're trying to
• 10:12
  do and say things that make you feel like you have more control.
• 10:16
  You can say something like that to a
• 10:18
  child because it's reflective of what's going on.
• 10:21
  It's likely that he will probably argue with you and say that he's not doing it,
• 10:25
  but it is still helpful for a child to hear the enlargement of what's happening.
• 10:30
  Ok. So that is a really helpful piece of this to start. The second piece is when we
• 10:37
  go to school for therapy,
• 10:38
  we often hear about the anger iceberg
• 10:43
  and what the illustration of that is when we're learning about therapy and
• 10:47
  what we need to unpack with people.
• 10:49
  And obviously, this is for adults, not kids,
• 10:51
  but I'm just giving you a visual to kind of keep in mind about this.
• 10:55
  So the anger iceberg is,
• 10:57
  you'll see this tiny little iceberg sticking up out
• 11:00
  of the water and the water line is,
• 11:01
  you know, shortly underneath
• 11:03
  where the tip of the iceberg is
• 11:05
  and anger is at the top. So above the water, the tip has anger.
• 11:10
  But if you look down further on the paper under the water,
• 11:14
  there's all of these other emotions underneath
• 11:18
  and anger is just the tip and it's masking everything that you can't see.
• 11:23
  So that's like the adult version of
• 11:26
  of what we learn in therapy.
• 11:28
  Here's what it is for kids.
• 11:32
  Every negative emotion.
• 11:34
  So for a second discard all positive emotions,
• 11:38
  every negative emotion
• 11:40
  requires vulnerability
• 11:43
  with the exception of anger
• 11:46
  because anger makes you feel powerful.
• 11:51
  So when you are ashamed,
• 11:53
  you can mask it with anger because shame requires vulnerability.
• 11:58
  When you're disappointed,
• 11:59
  you can mask it with anger because disappointment requires vulnerability.
• 12:04
  When you feel guilty.
• 12:05
  When you feel embarrassed,
• 12:07
  when you feel let down. When you feel defeated, when you feel inadequate,
• 12:12
  I can go on and on and on.
• 12:14
  When you feel anything negative,
• 12:16
  it forces you to be vulnerable. If you're going to actually express that feeling,
• 12:22
  unless you just default to anger,
• 12:24
  which makes you feel powerful.
• 12:27
  So when he's yelling and when he's being verbally aggressive,
• 12:30
  and when he's saying hurtful, mean things that are spiteful to his brothers,
• 12:35
  it's putting him in a feeling of control and power
• 12:39
  because the anger is masking what's actually going on.
• 12:44
  So that is also very important to help see through an appropriate lens.
• 12:49
  So as he's doing this to his brothers, as he's yelling at you,
• 12:54
  it is an attempt to hide what he's actually feeling,
• 12:57
  which is why reflecting feelings is so important
• 13:00
  because the more we reflect a child's feelings,
• 13:03
  the better their emotional vocabulary becomes.
• 13:05
  And therefore he will allow himself to express
• 13:08
  those feelings because he better understands them.
• 13:11
  He will allow himself to communicate those
• 13:13
  feelings because he better understands them.
• 13:16
  So the more you can reflect feelings, the better it will get.
• 13:19
  But he is masking his vulnerability with anger.
• 13:23
  And then as far as how to handle it, what to do about it.
• 13:27
  Helpful rule of thumb from the child parent relationship training program,
• 13:31
  which is a 10 week coaching program
• 13:34
  when a child is drowning, it's not the time to teach them to swim.
• 13:37
  So, Heather I noticed that you said
• 13:40
  I've talked to him later at calm moments.
• 13:42
  Ok. That is hugely important
• 13:46
  when a child is drowning, it's not the time to teach them to swim
• 13:48
  when they're upheaved. When they're overwhelmed.
• 13:50
  When there's all of the emotions swirling around,
• 13:52
  they can't hear a word you say anyway.
• 13:56
  So
• 13:56
  that's not the time to have a conversation.
• 14:00
  You might have to set a limit in that moment,
• 14:02
  but that's not a moment where you want to actually help a child learn
• 14:07
  what they should be doing. Instead
• 14:10
  that comes in those calm moments.
• 14:13
  Ok? So in the moment,
• 14:15
  you might have to set a limit.
• 14:17
  And if the child is unable to comply with the limit,
• 14:19
  then you might need to move to an ultimate choice.
• 14:23
  So
• 14:24
  you would acknowledge the child's feeling which you did heather,
• 14:30
  you're angry that you forgot to do your homework,
• 14:32
  then you set the neutral limit.
• 14:35
  But your brothers are not for speaking to that way.
• 14:38
  And when we get to limit setting, I will unpack for you all of these components
• 14:42
  and how we phrase it and why and all of that. But I'm, I can't dive into that today.
• 14:47
  So please be patient. When I get to the limit setting episode in the curriculum,
• 14:51
  you'll learn a lot more about this.
• 14:53
  And if you've been with me for a while,
• 14:54
  you're probably more familiar with limit setting anyway.
• 14:57
  So I'm just walking you through what it sounds like
• 15:00
  and then I'll dive into it in a later episode.
• 15:02
  But
• 15:02
  you're really angry, you forgot to do your homework,
• 15:05
  but your brothers are not for speaking to you that way
• 15:09
  you can choose to
• 15:11
  sit and not say anything
• 15:13
  until you're able to be nice.
• 15:16
  Or you can write down all the things that you're thinking
• 15:19
  so that you don't say them out loud.
• 15:23
  Ok?
• 15:24
  And I just threw that out.
• 15:25
  There are lots of other alternatives that could be offered in that scenario.
• 15:29
  And I'll help you figure out how to give
• 15:32
  those alternatives when we get to limit setting.
• 15:35
  But if he is unable or unwilling to comply, once you've said that three times,
• 15:40
  so you say it, he still says something mean to one of his brothers, you say it again,
• 15:44
  he says something else mean by the third time you move to ultimate choice giving.
• 15:49
  So then at that point,
• 15:51
  it's an if you choose, then you choose.
• 15:54
  So
• 15:55
  if you choose to speak like that to your brothers, when you're angry,
• 15:59
  you choose not to have TV. Tonight.
• 16:03
  If you choose to speak kindly to your brothers,
• 16:06
  even when you're frustrated,
• 16:08
  you choose to have TV. Tonight,
• 16:10
  which do you choose?
• 16:12
  So notice that it's an if, then choice,
• 16:14
  but it's an if then for a positive and a negative,
• 16:19
  we're really good about giving the negative and forgetting to say the positive.
• 16:23
  So what typically happens is
• 16:25
  if you choose to speak unkindly to your brothers when you're mad,
• 16:29
  you choose not to have TV tonight
• 16:31
  and we just stopped there.
• 16:33
  Well, that's not really a choice.
• 16:36
  So we always offer absolute on purpose.
• 16:39
  We always offer the positive and the negative choice
• 16:43
  and noticed that I used the word shoes five times.
• 16:47
  If you choose number one
• 16:50
  to speak
• 16:52
  unkindly to your brothers, when you're mad, you choose to
• 16:57
  not to have TV. Tonight.
• 16:58
  If you choose to speak kindly, even when you're frustrated,
• 17:02
  that's the third one you choose to have TV.
• 17:04
  Tonight, there's four, which do you choose? Number five,
• 17:07
  it makes it very clear that the child has responsibility
• 17:10
  and ownership over the outcome.
• 17:12
  It makes it very clear, the child has a choice.
• 17:14
  It makes it very clear, the child has power.
• 17:17
  So let's circle back to what I mentioned earlier
• 17:19
  when a child feels powerless and they're grasping at
• 17:22
  any measure of power and control they can get
• 17:25
  and we give them a choice all of a sudden we've returned power to them
• 17:30
  and they don't have to fight for it anymore.
• 17:34
  Notice how it all comes together with a little bow.
• 17:36
  So when we give an ultimate choice, now all of a sudden
• 17:39
  he has power in the situation again.
• 17:43
  So then your only job is to enforce the choice that he made
• 17:47
  and I happen to use TV. Let me quickly clarify.
• 17:50
  I will get to choice giving as a pillar as well.
• 17:53
  So I promise I'll give you more details when we get there.
• 17:55
  But you want the
• 17:57
  consequence
• 17:58
  to be something that matters to the child.
• 18:00
  If he doesn't care two hoots about TV, that is not an appropriate consequence
• 18:05
  that he gets to have or not have based on the choice that he makes
• 18:09
  TV, would have to be a pretty important currency is the word we use.
• 18:14
  So if TV matters to him, that would make sense there.
• 18:18
  If friends matter to him,
• 18:19
  then we would use that if dessert after dinner matters to him, whatever is a currency
• 18:26
  that is what is used in an ultimate choice.
• 18:29
  So if you choose to say mean things to your brothers, when you're mad,
• 18:34
  you choose not to have
• 18:36
  whatever.
• 18:37
  If you choose to speak kindly to your brothers, even though you're frustrated,
• 18:40
  you choose to have positive
• 18:43
  outcome, which do you choose,
• 18:45
  but it has to be something that's motivating
• 18:47
  for the child so that it actually warrants
• 18:49
  consideration of what he chooses
• 18:52
  and the outcome matters, right?
• 18:54
  Because all your job is, is to enforce the choice that was made.
• 18:58
  So when he chooses to be kind for the rest of the car ride,
• 19:02
  as he's getting out of the car Heather, you say
• 19:05
  I see you chose to have TV tonight because you chose to be kind to your brothers.
• 19:10
  They need to be told that you acknowledge out loud the choice that was made.
• 19:16
  We're really good about acknowledging when they make the negative choice.
• 19:20
  OK. I see you've chosen not to have TV. Tonight.
• 19:24
  First of all, that's not neutral,
• 19:26
  that's not calm,
• 19:28
  it's not indifferent.
• 19:30
  Choice giving works
• 19:32
  when we have no skin in the game,
• 19:34
  all we do is enforce the choice that the child made.
• 19:38
  So we just calmly say,
• 19:40
  I see you chose whatever it was positive or negative doesn't affect us.
• 19:45
  We would always choose for our kids to have
• 19:47
  the best things.
• 19:49
  So if they choose not to, that's their choice.
• 19:52
  So we don't have to say it with
• 19:54
  disdain or frustration or disappointment or anything.
• 19:56
  We just say it factually and neutrally
• 20:00
  for, for positive or negative outcomes.
• 20:03
  So I see you chose to speak kindly to your brother. So you chose to have TV. Tonight.
• 20:07
  Have a good day, love you and then he gets out of the car
• 20:11
  when you give limits and ultimate choices,
• 20:15
  a child very quickly learns.
• 20:18
  I have power over this. I get a say in the outcome
• 20:22
  and when I choose the negative, I really don't like that.
• 20:25
  So I'm going to choose to choose the positive
• 20:29
  and that is where self control comes in. That is where self regulation comes in
• 20:33
  and that is the power of limit setting and choice giving.
• 20:37
  So, Heather, thank you so much for your question. I hope that that was helpful to you.
• 20:40
  I hope that was helpful to everyone
• 20:41
  because inevitably we are faced with scenarios where
• 20:45
  it doesn't seem like anything we do matters.
• 20:47
  It doesn't seem like anything we do affects the situation.
• 20:51
  So I think it's helpful to unpack a scenario like that. So, thanks again, Heather.
• 20:55
  I appreciate it. If you would like me to answer your question.
• 20:58
  I would love to please email me at,
• 21:00
  brenna@thekidcounselor.com. You can also call and leave a message on a recording for me.
• 21:06
  813-812-5525.
• 21:10
  And then I'll be able to listen to your question that
• 21:13
  way as well if you'd rather do that instead of email
• 21:16
  again, if you'd like to sign up for our newsletter, wwww.playtherapyparenting.com,
• 21:20
  I would love to have you on there and then I can stay in touch with you.
• 21:23
  I'm really grateful for each and every one of you.
• 21:25
  I appreciate you taking me with you on your car rides and
• 21:28
  your bike rides and all the different places that you go.
• 21:31
  So
• 21:31
  I look forward to speaking with you again soon. Bye.
• 21:34
  Thank you for listening
• 21:35
  to the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks
• 21:39
  for more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter.
• 21:43
  Please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.