Latest / Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist / S2E35 - Adulthood Bias: Why Kids Don't Think Like Adults (And Why That Matters)

Transcript

S2E35 - Adulthood Bias: Why Kids Don't Think Like Adults (And Why That Matters) · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

• 0:02
  You're listening to the
• 0:03
  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 0:09
  Hi,
• 0:09
  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
• 0:10
  The Kid Counselor.
• 0:11
  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
• 0:14
  awareness,
• 0:15
  and enlightenment about your parenting
• 0:17
  and your relationship with your kids.
• 0:19
  In today's episode,
• 0:21
  I would like to present.
• 0:23
  A new term or a phrase,
• 0:25
  if you will,
• 0:26
  to help us better understand
• 0:29
  why it is difficult to relate to our kids sometimes.
• 0:32
  And not relate to them relationally necessarily,
• 0:35
  not relate to them
• 0:37
  in some familial kind of way,
• 0:40
  but to really understand what's going on for them and why
• 0:44
  they do and say the things that they do and say.
• 0:47
  There's often a disconnect and so many times
• 0:50
  parents get frustrated
• 0:52
  that
• 0:53
  Quote,
• 0:53
  I talk to my kid
• 0:55
  and nothing happens.
• 0:57
  I ask my kid questions and I get one word answers.
• 1:00
  My kid just does the most random things
• 1:03
  and there's absolutely no explanation for it.
• 1:06
  If those phrases sound familiar or you say them on a semi frequent basis,
• 1:12
  the phrase that
• 1:13
  we've come up with
• 1:15
  to describe this
• 1:17
  is adulthood bias.
• 1:19
  And I wanna dive into that a little bit today
• 1:21
  because I think this will shed a lot of light
• 1:23
  and give a lot of perspective
• 1:26
  on why sometimes things just don't make sense to us
• 1:29
  and that we often look at what goes on in a normal everyday scenario with our children
• 1:36
  and it's just confusing and annoying
• 1:38
  what goes on
• 1:39
  but that's driven by our adulthood bias so.
• 1:43
  Here's what we know.
• 1:44
  Let's go back to early podcast episodes.
• 1:47
  We know that kids aren't rational.
• 1:50
  We have talked about that a lot.
• 1:53
  When we grasped that concept.
• 1:55
  That should influence a lot of our interactions.
• 1:59
  But because of adulthood bias.
• 2:02
  We often forget.
• 2:05
  That
• 2:06
  we are cognitive,
• 2:08
  we are rational,
• 2:10
  we have abstract reasoning,
• 2:12
  we are processing things intellectually,
• 2:15
  and they are not.
• 2:18
  They are here and now,
• 2:20
  emotionally driven.
• 2:23
  Experiential beings.
• 2:26
  So this is where adulthood bias gets in the way,
• 2:30
  because uh,
• 2:31
  you know,
• 2:31
  your kid
• 2:32
  gets really angry and kicks the wall and leaves a hole in the drywall.
• 2:38
  Why in the world would you do that?
• 2:39
  What were you thinking? why? you know better,
• 2:43
  what is going on?
• 2:44
  Those are all very rational,
• 2:47
  intellectual,
• 2:48
  reason-based questions.
• 2:51
  And here's the truth,
• 2:52
  if the child were thinking
• 2:55
  or reasoning or rationalizing anything,
• 2:57
  they wouldn't have kicked the wall and left a hole in it,
• 3:00
  but they weren't.
• 3:02
  See,
• 3:02
  here's the interesting
• 3:04
  dynamic that we tend to forget.
• 3:06
  We,
• 3:07
  we
• 3:07
  were kids once.
• 3:09
  We know
• 3:11
  that
• 3:12
  we were once childlike.
• 3:13
  We once experienced childhood just like our children do.
• 3:17
  And we were exactly like them.
• 3:20
  But we have forgotten what that's like,
• 3:23
  because we now possess the capacity to reason.
• 3:26
  We now possess the capacity to be rational.
• 3:29
  So therefore,
• 3:31
  look,
• 3:31
  if we get back to our
• 3:33
  innate instincts,
• 3:35
  we wanna kick something sometimes too.
• 3:38
  We want to put our fists through drywall sometimes too.
• 3:41
  We wanna throw something sometimes too,
• 3:43
  and you know what,
• 3:44
  let's be really real,
• 3:45
  a lot of adults still do.
• 3:48
  So this is not something that we just automatically
• 3:50
  escape as soon as we become an adult.
• 3:53
  Some adults still react that way.
• 3:55
  Their emotions still drive everything they do and they
• 3:58
  don't have abstract reasoning get involved at all.
• 4:02
  So there are adults that very much behave in those ways,
• 4:06
  but if our abstract reasoning
• 4:08
  overrides our desire to just emotionally express how we're feeling,
• 4:15
  We
• 4:16
  have totally forgotten that kids live there all the time.
• 4:21
  So when a child kicks the wall and puts a hole through it
• 4:26
  or
• 4:27
  throws the Hot wheels and it leaves a dent somewhere,
• 4:32
  or they push their sibling and their sibling falls over and cuts their knee.
• 4:37
  Or whatever the scenario is.
• 4:39
  We forget
• 4:40
  that they didn't think about any of those decisions.
• 4:45
  They acted
• 4:46
  on emotional impulse.
• 4:49
  I'm angry,
• 4:50
  I push.
• 4:52
  I'm frustrated,
• 4:53
  I throw.
• 4:54
  I'm upset,
• 4:55
  I kick.
• 4:57
  It is 100% experienced emotion,
• 5:01
  feeling driven.
• 5:03
  No brain engagement whatsoever.
• 5:06
  Developmentally appropriately,
• 5:07
  we cannot fault them for that.
• 5:09
  We cannot expect it of them
• 5:12
  until around 12 or 13,
• 5:14
  they're not able to do it.
• 5:17
  So,
• 5:18
  adulthood bias
• 5:19
  is something we need to keep in check
• 5:21
  because while we were kids once
• 5:23
  we've forgotten,
• 5:25
  but we do possess the capacity
• 5:27
  to go back and meet kids and their emotions.
• 5:31
  Kids do not possess the ability to come up and meet us in our thought.
• 5:37
  So this is a one way street here.
• 5:39
  We have to go down to them.
• 5:41
  And adulthood bias is what keeps us from doing it
• 5:45
  because we treat them like small adults.
• 5:49
  Actually,
• 5:50
  I have an online community for child-centered play therapists,
• 5:53
  and we were posting about this kind of a
• 5:56
  related topic in these last couple of weeks and
• 5:59
  my husband acknowledged that Doctor Phil
• 6:02
  was the one who kind of coined the phrase,
• 6:05
  you're not raising children,
• 6:06
  you're raising mini adults.
• 6:08
  That is
• 6:09
  the most uninformed sentence that has ever come out of
• 6:13
  a psychologist's mouth,
• 6:14
  in my opinion.
• 6:15
  And I'm not saying that to be critical of Doctor Phil.
• 6:18
  He works with adults and so,
• 6:19
  you know,
• 6:20
  maybe he doesn't really fully understand childhood and,
• 6:23
  and age appropriate behavior.
• 6:25
  We're not raising mini adults.
• 6:27
  They're not adults,
• 6:28
  they're children.
• 6:30
  Until the age of 18,
• 6:32
  they are still in their childhood years and until the age of 12 or 13,
• 6:36
  they don't even possess the
• 6:39
  cognitive development.
• 6:41
  To even get halfway to thinking like an adult.
• 6:46
  So we are not raising mini adults,
• 6:48
  we are raising children,
• 6:50
  and children are emotional,
• 6:52
  and children experience things and they feel things.
• 6:56
  And their brain
• 6:58
  is shut off.
• 7:00
  And we can't expect them to change that.
• 7:02
  They're not able to change it.
• 7:05
  So every time we ask a child a question.
• 7:09
  And get I don't know or in one or a one word answer,
• 7:12
  that's a reminder of our adulthood bias.
• 7:15
  Every time we watch our child do something that's completely irrational,
• 7:19
  completely impulsive,
• 7:21
  completely crazy,
• 7:22
  completely confusing.
• 7:25
  That's our adulthood bias kicking in.
• 7:28
  If we could remember what it's like to be a kid.
• 7:32
  Kids just do things because they feel like they want to do them.
• 7:36
  They have no ability to say,
• 7:38
  well,
• 7:39
  you want to jump into that recycling bin and strap it to a
• 7:42
  skateboard and have someone pull you on a bike down the road,
• 7:46
  but that's probably not a good idea because you're going to fall out and get hurt.
• 7:51
  We forget that they don't even have the ability to do that.
• 7:54
  By the way,
• 7:55
  that's a true story from my childhood.
• 7:58
  Uh,
• 7:58
  yeah,
• 7:58
  I,
• 7:59
  I,
• 7:59
  you know,
• 7:59
  I don't even know why I'm sharing this,
• 8:00
  but,
• 8:01
  so my brother,
• 8:02
  3 years younger than I am,
• 8:04
  he
• 8:06
  I don't even remember if it was bungee corded or duct
• 8:08
  taped or I don't even know how it was affixed,
• 8:11
  but we had our
• 8:12
  plastic recycling bin,
• 8:14
  big rectangular box of sorts
• 8:17
  that is
• 8:18
  attached in some way,
• 8:19
  shape,
• 8:19
  or form to his skateboard.
• 8:21
  He has me sit in the recycling bin attached to the skateboard,
• 8:25
  holding a rope,
• 8:26
  and he has the rope tied to the back of his bike and he takes off down the
• 8:30
  road and is going as fast as he can on said bike to pull me down the street.
• 8:36
  And he had loosened the trucks.
• 8:38
  Now,
• 8:38
  for those of you that are not skaters,
• 8:41
  the trucks are
• 8:42
  the wheels and metal supports on the bottom of the skateboard.
• 8:47
  He had loosened them so he could do better tricks.
• 8:50
  Well,
• 8:51
  what happens when you go really fast and you have loose trucks,
• 8:55
  everything starts to wobble like an earthquake.
• 8:58
  And so I am wobbling like an earthquake,
• 9:01
  rolling down the street at way too fast of speeds and the whole thing tipped
• 9:05
  and I fell and I still to this day have a mushroom shaped scar
• 9:10
  on the side of my right knee
• 9:12
  because of.
• 9:14
  A recycling bin and a skateboard and a bike with my brother who
• 9:18
  was probably,
• 9:19
  I don't even know,
• 9:20
  7 at the time
• 9:21
  and had no abstract reasoning
• 9:24
  and had no rational thought and was not cognitive at all and was like,
• 9:28
  this should be fun.
• 9:29
  And I,
• 9:30
  who at 10 years old also did not possess any of those abilities,
• 9:33
  was like,
• 9:34
  sure,
• 9:34
  why not?
• 9:35
  And here we are,
• 9:36
  you know,
• 9:36
  all these years later and I still have a mushroom shaped scar.
• 9:40
  The point is,
• 9:42
  kids do not think.
• 9:44
  And we can't expect them to.
• 9:47
  And the irony is
• 9:49
  we are constantly thinking about their behavior.
• 9:52
  And we're constantly frustrated by their behavior
• 9:55
  because we want them to behave differently.
• 9:59
  There are times when we need to set limits.
• 10:01
  There are times when we need to reflect feelings.
• 10:03
  There are times when we need to provide choices.
• 10:06
  Those are all age appropriate,
• 10:08
  developmentally appropriate
• 10:09
  interactions.
• 10:12
  And we don't mean to,
• 10:13
  but often our conversations and the way that
• 10:16
  we approach things because of our adulthood bias.
• 10:19
  It actually is dismissive to kids.
• 10:22
  It actually makes them feel like
• 10:25
  they
• 10:27
  Shouldn't feel the way they do,
• 10:29
  and they very much should feel that way because they're feeling beings.
• 10:33
  Their feelings are huge,
• 10:35
  their feelings drive everything that they do.
• 10:38
  So when we go,
• 10:40
  that's not a reason to cry.
• 10:41
  Why,
• 10:41
  why are you upset about that right now?
• 10:43
  This is not a big deal.
• 10:45
  That's dismissive to a child and that's our adulthood bias getting in the way.
• 10:49
  It is a very big deal and it feels very big and deep to them.
• 10:54
  But our rational brain goes,
• 10:56
  OK,
• 10:56
  you can't play with your friend today,
• 10:57
  it's,
• 10:58
  it's gonna be fine.
• 10:59
  But it doesn't feel fine to them.
• 11:02
  So I'm hopeful that this will help you understand how to better relate,
• 11:07
  better understand,
• 11:09
  better preserve the relationship,
• 11:11
  because if we recognize our own adulthood bias
• 11:14
  and we're able to respond differently as a result.
• 11:19
  It will help our communication.
• 11:20
  It will help children feel heard and understood.
• 11:23
  It will allow us to provide play therapy based interventions.
• 11:28
  So if necessary,
• 11:29
  we'll set a limit.
• 11:30
  We'll follow the
• 11:32
  three step limit setting process.
• 11:34
  We always need to validate our children's feelings.
• 11:37
  We can provide choices for empowerment or for enforcement.
• 11:41
  There's all of these skills that we talk about all the time
• 11:44
  that are the antidote to the adulthood bias.
• 11:47
  Because if we operate in our adulthood bias,
• 11:50
  we're going to get angry,
• 11:51
  frustrated,
• 11:52
  disappointed,
• 11:53
  we're going to ask questions,
• 11:54
  we're going to lecture,
• 11:56
  we're going to over-talk,
• 11:57
  we're going to over rationalize,
• 11:59
  we're going to have 10 minute conversations with kids
• 12:01
  when they checked out after the 1st 10 words.
• 12:04
  All of that is driven by adulthood bias.
• 12:08
  So if we can grasp this,
• 12:10
  in conjunction with kids aren't rational,
• 12:12
  do you see how these two go together?
• 12:14
  Kids aren't rational,
• 12:15
  and we have adulthood bias.
• 12:17
  You fuse those two things together,
• 12:19
  it will change every interaction that you have with your children
• 12:22
  for the better.
• 12:24
  So I hope that that encourages you.
• 12:25
  I hope that that enables you to feel like there's a why behind
• 12:29
  some of the things that go on with our kids,
• 12:31
  because kids' behavior can be confusing sometimes.
• 12:34
  So
• 12:35
  this is a why.
• 12:36
  We don't see it the way they see it because of our adulthood bias.
• 12:39
  I hope that that helps you and makes you feel supported and encouraged.
• 12:43
  If you would like to reach out to me to say hello,
• 12:45
  to
• 12:46
  send me a question.
• 12:48
  To ask me something that's going on.
• 12:49
  I'd love to hear from you,
• 12:50
  brenna@thekidcounselor.com.
• 12:52
  Thanks so much for hanging out with me each week.
• 12:54
  I don't take it lightly that
• 12:56
  you give me some of your time each week
• 12:58
  and that we are on this raising children journey together.
• 13:02
  So thanks so much.
• 13:03
  I really appreciate y'all.
• 13:04
  We'll talk again soon.
• 13:05
  Bye.
• 13:06
  Thank you for listening to
• 13:07
  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 13:11
  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 13:15
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.