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Sober Talk SA - Rolf · Sober Talk SA

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  Welcome to Sober Talk. I'm Dennis and I'm an alcoholic.
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  Soap dear. Thanks to Alcoholics Anonymous.
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  If you or anyone you know is struggling with alcohol, please
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  call Alcoholics Anonymous on 1300 double 22222.
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  I'll visit their website ata.org dot AU.
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  I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
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  Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
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  fellowship of people who share the experience, strengthen hope
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  with each other that they may solve their common problems, and
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  help with us to recover from alcoholism.
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  The only requirement for membership is the desire to stop
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  drinking and no dues of fees. Fair membership.
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  We are self supporting through our own contributions.
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  He is not alive with any sect, denomination, politics,
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  organization or institution, does not wish to engage in any
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  controversy, either endorses or oppose any causes.
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  Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help.
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  Other Alcoholics are chiefs of Brady.
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  Thank you. My name is Rolf.
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  I'm an alcoholic. I spent 25 years of my life
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  under the affluence of alcohol or the influence of alcohol, I
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  should say. You know, I was, I was an
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  everyday drinker. I didn't usually go into great
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  big binges. I just bought my nightly dose of
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  alcohol. I wouldn't drink in the I didn't
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  do much drinking in the pubs or the dives or whatever.
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  It was just too expensive. You know, I just don't know how
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  people managed to go to the pub and drink over the bar and get
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  themselves pissed every night and, and, and, and survive
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  financially. I couldn't do that.
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  I was quite inexpensive with my drinking.
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  You know, I remember the time when you could buy A4 litre cask
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  of wine for $4.00. And at that time, you know, I
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  was living by myself in Williamstown.
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  I'd bought a house and I had this flag and bottle this two
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  litre flag and bottle of of empty one, of course, and but I
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  would decant 2 liters into that and I would make that 4 liters
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  last two nights. And I thought I was a bloody
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  genius. You know, I got pissed as a fart
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  on 2 bucks, you know, and you got morons in the in the bar
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  spending their wages just for a bloody drink.
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  So I thought I was, I was bloody clever.
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  This was in the early stages of my drinking when I was a young
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  lad and I didn't have a wife or whatever.
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  And yeah, and you know, that was problematic.
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  You know, I would wait till the David Letterman show was on.
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  That'd be about 11:00. And I would finish this two late
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  2 litres of wine by the end of the David Letterman show.
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  And you know, I wouldn't drink before, you know, I had to wait
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  till 11:00. I would not drink before and I
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  waited till the David Letterman show is by 12:00.
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  I was pissed as a fart, went to bed and usually ended up pissing
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  the bed and things like that. And you know, I was very clever,
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  you know, eventually I learned that if I put a sheet, a plastic
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  sheet over my mattress, I could solve that problem and I didn't
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  have any more problems with mattresses that were destroyed.
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  However, you know, I, I still woke up in these wet clothes and
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  I put them in the, in the in the morning on my way to work.
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  I would put them in the, in the, the air dryer, the clothes dryer
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  thing. And, and I, and I would just, I
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  didn't wash them. Don't think I washed them.
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  I didn't wash them. I, I, I, I put these wet clothes
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  that, you know, pyjamas and stuff in this dry thing.
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  I'd come back at lunchtime and it was all dry and ready to go
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  for the next night. And, you know, I was only 19 or
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  20 at the time and, and my life was already shot to bits with
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  alcohol. You know, I could not go a
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  single night without a drink. I couldn't go to bed at night
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  without being totally pissed. That's just the way it was.
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  I was doomed to die as an old man all by himself in some dingy
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  room somewhere with a flagon of wine by my bed and and a a
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  bucket to spew in. You know, that was what I was
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  destined for. However, somewhere along the
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  line, I became a Christian. I don't know how that many, you
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  know, somebody invited me to this evangelical camp over the
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  weekend and I responded to the message of salvation and, and I
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  became a Christian. But I didn't stop drinking.
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  I slowed down. I slowed down, but I never
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  stopped drinking. I still had to have at least one
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  bottle of wine each night to go to bed with.
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  I had this idea that if I didn't have this lousy bottle of wine
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  in my belly, if I didn't have that lousy bottle of wine in my
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  belly, I would not be able to sleep.
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  And that's how I justified my drinking.
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  I went to church every Sunday. I did all the churchy stuff.
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  All you know that you're supposed to do if you're a
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  Christian. I did all of that, but I still
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  had to have that lousy bottle of wine every night.
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  There were times when I thought to myself, well, maybe, just
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  maybe a bottle of wine each night is is problematic.
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  Most people don't drink a whole bottle of wine every night by
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  themselves. And, and I thought to myself,
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  maybe, just maybe, I'll go one night without a drink, without a
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  bottle of wine. But you know what?
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  It never happened. I always found myself at the
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  bottle though, just before it shut.
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  I could not, I just could not go a single night without a bottle
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  of wine. And I, I drank like that, you
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  know, a bottle of wine every night for the last 10 years of
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  my drinking. And I thought I was in control.
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  I thought I was in control because I was able to, you know,
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  tone it down a little bit and, and, you know, bottle of wine,
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  what's that? You know, that's nothing really.
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  But you know, I, I, I saw on the news tonight that, you know, a
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  person shouldn't have more than 4 standard drinks in, in, in one
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  day and no more than 10 standard drinks for a whole week.
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  I, I think I far exceeded that on a nightly basis.
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  So whilst I thought I was in control, I wasn't in control.
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  I eventually got married and had some children and and you know,
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  my wife would occasionally complain about the fact that I
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  would drink this bottle of wine every night.
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  She said to me, you must have some sort of problem, why do you
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  need to do this every night? I said I don't have a problem so
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  I'd agree not to have a drink for a couple of nights.
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  So what did I do? Rather than go and buy my bottle
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  of wine, I went to the pub and I bought a little hip flask with
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  Brandy. I hid them in my underpants
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  between the cheeks of my ass and I walked it into the house and I
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  hid it in the in the toilet system.
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  And I would wait till 3:00 in the morning when the wife was
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  asleep and the kids were asleep, I would go to the toilet and I
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  would Scull this thing down in a single second.
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  And I would walk the bottle out in exactly the same way the next
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  morning. And so I, you know, my wife, as
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  far as my wife was concerned, I, I didn't have a drink.
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  She didn't know, at least I don't think she did.
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  But you know, that's the obsession that I had as far as
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  alcohol was concerned. It was the very centre of my
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  life. I could not survive without it.
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  It was virtually my only sense of only source of, of peace,
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  ease and comfort. You know, I just needed that.
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  That's what I loved about alcohol, that instant sense of
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  peace, ease and comfort, and I just could not and would not let
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  it go. I never ended up in jail, never
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  had problems with the police, never had problems with drinking
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  and driving, because I always did my drinking in the living
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  room, on my couch, in front of the TV.
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  And it's pretty hard to get into any major difficulties like
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  that. Never ended up in in hospital,
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  never ended up in a rehabilitation centre or drying
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  out unit, nothing like that. But eventually, you know, the
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  shit hits the fan. And we had a, we were having
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  our, we were having our, our, our third baby.
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  And sadly, the baby was a stillborn baby full term.
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  And, you know, everything changed overnight.
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  I didn't care about what pain my wife might have been feeling.
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  I didn't care about the children much much.
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  I just thought about my own pain and I just, I just tried to
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  drown this ache in my heart with endless drinking.
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  And now I'd be drinking first thing in the morning and on the
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  way to work and on the way home from work and I'd get properly
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  pissed at night. And I did that.
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  I did that every, not every day for six months.
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  You know, I was not well, probably not completely pissed
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  24 hours a day, but I certainly would have had enough alcohol to
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  be judged drunk if the, if the police ever stopped me, you
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  know, and I and I just did that every every day for six months.
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  And after six months I was stuffed.
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  I was stuffed physically, I was stuffed mentally.
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  I couldn't carry on. So I found myself in a A about
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  25 years ago, my money, 23 years sober.
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  But 25 years ago I became a member of a A and strangely
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  enough, I managed to put the, the drink down fairly quickly,
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  not straight away, but but fairly quickly.
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  And that wasn't that hard for me to put it down physically.
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  But the mental obsession that revolved around the, around the
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  alcohol was still there. I listened to all of the horror
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  stories, you know, people who committed various crimes and
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  people who ended up in hospitals and they destroyed their
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  families and all sorts of awful things happened and they were
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  virtually insane. I thought, and, and I thought I
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  was better. I thought I was better than the
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  average person with an absolutely awful Horror Story
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  'cause I was never like that, you know, I just did most of my
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  drinking in front of ATV set, you know, late at 9 and I never
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  got into trouble. So I must be better.
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  I must be smarter. And, you know, I, I survived
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  like that for a couple of years. I never really grasped Step 1,
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  You know, I never really thought I was powerless.
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  You know, I'm powerful. I am not powerless.
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  I may have a problem with alcohol, but I am not powerless.
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  I could have a drink if I want to.
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  So I stayed physically sober for about two years.
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  And then one day I just decided I was thirsty.
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  And I decided I'd have one bottle of wine, 1 bottle of
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  wine. And in order to justify that
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  bottle of wine, I started this huge argument with my wife, an
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  argument that I didn't want to win.
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  I know I couldn't win. It was impossible to win this
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  argument. I didn't want to win.
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  But the argument provided A legitimate excuse for me to go
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  out and have a drink. And I'll say it's your fault,
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  you know, I didn't want to take moral responsibility for the
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  drinks. So I I drank for one day and
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  thank God it was only one day, but that was the worst drink I
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  ever had and nearly died on that drink.
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  And yeah, all I remember is waking up in the Royal Adelaide
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  Hospital with the breathing tube down my throat because I was
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  unable to breathe. It wasn't because of a car
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  accident or anything, I was just unable to breathe.
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  And if the if the ambulance had not come, I probably would have
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  asphyxiated. And that was the end result of
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  my drinking. And so, you know, that one drink
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  23 years ago was a valuable drink in the sense that, you
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  know, it taught me though I am powerless.
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  Powerless over alcohol, powerless over alcoholism.
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  I've come to realise I'm powerless over people and places
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  and things and circumstances. And I'm not the all powerful
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  person that I like to imagine myself to be.
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  I'm not. And I need a power greater than
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  myself. And certainly a A has helped me
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  come to a greater understanding of the God that I already
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  believed in. You know, I already said I was a
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  Christian. I became a Christian when I was
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  25. I didn't put the drink down till
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  I was 45. So that was 20 years, 20 years
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  as a daily drinker. And a A has helped me to come to
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  a better understanding of, of my faith in God, who is my higher
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  power. You know, I, every day I pray
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  that serenity, pray God grant me the serenity to accept the
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  things I cannot change and courage to change the things I
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  can. And you know what the truth is,
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  there are a lot of things in my life that I can't change.
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  I would love to change them. You know, the fact that we lost
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  that baby in the 1st place, the fact that, you know, my wife
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  found somebody else and I had to divorce her.
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  The fact that we lost a second baby in the same way, you know,
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  there are, look, all sorts of things that I wish never ever
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  happened. But it doesn't matter how much I
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  cry, doesn't matter how much self pity I might indulge in, it
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  doesn't matter how much anger I might try to express.
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  It's never going to change those things.
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  And the only way for me to have any sense of peace in my life is
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  to accept the things that I cannot change.
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  But there are things that I can change, and that's not very
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  much. I can't change people.
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  I can't change places or things or circumstances.
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  You know, the world is stuffed. The world is utterly filled with
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  insane people, whether they're Alcoholics or not.
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  The world is full of nut cases. You know, there's, there's
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  nothing that I can do about that.
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  The only thing I can really do is change myself and my response
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  to the tragedies of the past and realities of the present.
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  All I can do is change my response.
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  And if I can accept reality as it is and try and change my
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  response, then I'll be at peace. I can pray on a night on a daily
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  basis, and I do for the knowledge of God's will for me
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  and the power to carry that out, you know.
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  And every day I pray that prayer.
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  I pray for the knowledge of His will.
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  You know, to me the knowledge of God's will isn't that hard to
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  figure out. God just wants me to be a sober
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  person one day at a time. God wants me to be a decent
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  person, a person that reflects Lovejoy and peace.
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  He wants me to treat other people with dignity and respect.
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  He wants me to be free from my anger and myself, pity and all
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  the rest of that. You know, He wants me to be
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  free. But I can't be free unless God
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  enables me. Because the truth is, I still
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  have that alcoholic mind. It hasn't gone anywhere.
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  It's not disappeared. It's still there.
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  And I need to daily pray for the knowledge of God's will,
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  otherwise that alcoholic mind will start to exert its
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  influence on me. And I don't need that.
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  I don't want that. The only way I can keep my
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  alcoholic mind at Bay is praying for the knowledge of God's will
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  and the power to carry that out and just live by His mercy and
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  grace. That's the only way.
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  And it is, it is my belief that God keeps my mind under control,
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  and it is God who enables me to. Turn away from pridefulness and
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  arrogance and selfishness as God who enables me to turn away from
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  self pity and wrath and fury. All of those things would
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  consume me. All of those things would
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  construe me. But I believe that God gives me
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  the power to turn away from those things one day at a time.
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  And so, you know, the Serenity Prayer and Step 11 is vitally
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  important to me on a daily basis.
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  Today I haven't had a drink. Today I haven't even thought
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  about a drink. I don't want to drink.
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  I don't need to drink. Drink.
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  Drinking alcohol is the furthest thing from my mind.
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  You know, that's quite amazing really.
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  At the moment drinking alcohol is the furthest thing from my
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  mind. I can't even imagine going to
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  the pub and buying a bottle and taking it home.
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  To me it's just insanity. But that's only because God is
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  faithful and God is good and my faith is in him and he uses the
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  12 steps of a A to keep me sober and sane and.
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  And I'm a very happy chappie today.
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  I haven't had a drink. I haven't got angry with
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  anybody. I didn't get drunk.
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  I didn't go to jail, didn't wake up in the hospital, you know?
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  So life is good, fantastically good.
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  Thank you. A A As more than two million
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  recovering Alcoholics throughout the world.
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  In Australia there are about 18,000 members.
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  They're made in over 2000 local meetings spread around the
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  country. Meetings range in size from a
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  handful in some areas to hundreds or more in larger
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  communities. And once again, if anyone you
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  know is struggling with alcohol issues, please call Alcoholics
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  announcing 1300 Double 22222 or visit their website on aa.org
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  dot AU.