Latest / Rooted Thoughts / No Longer A Strong Black Woman

Transcript

No Longer A Strong Black Woman · Rooted Thoughts

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Tierra, and this is Rud Thoughts Podcast.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: So if you've already read the title of this week's episode, then you pretty much already know that we're going to be talking about no longer being a strong black woman.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Somewhere along the way, being a strong black woman became something that we were expected to take pride in.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now, while there's absolutely nothing wrong with being strong, I do question why strength seems to be a badge of honor for most of us.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: Strength is something that's often celebrated within black families and communities.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm not saying that it's not the same for other races, but I'm only telling you about my particular race because I am a black woman, so this is what I relate to, and this is what my experience has been.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm not sure what it is that started this, but I'm sure that at some point black women holding on to strength was required.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_00: But aren't y'all tired?
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: But don't think that I'm saying that we shouldn't be resilient and capable of overcoming, because we definitely should, but there is something about being called a strong black woman or even a strong woman, period, that doesn't sit right with me a lot of times.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's like this title that is placed onto you that feels like you are constantly required to endure things.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: My grandmother was someone that was and still is consistently called a strong black woman.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, I too definitely believe that she is a strong black woman.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: But towards the last two years of her life, I had the opportunity to actually learn more about her life, including her childhood.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: The more I learned, the more I felt sorry for her and everything that she had to endure during that time.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: So when I was going through a hard time, even though she didn't exactly know what it was I was going through, I remember her saying to me, Oh, you'll get through it because you're a strong woman.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: And me hearing what was intended to be a compliment, it sort of actually offended me for some reason.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: And of course I didn't display that to her that I was offended, but in my mind, I definitely was.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: And in my mind, I say to myself that I don't want to be a strong black woman who constantly has to endure pain, heartache, hard times, and just self-neglect.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: But what I find interesting is that sometimes we become so accustomed to being strong that we don't even realize or recognize how it's affecting us.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about what some of the hidden costs are of always being a strong woman.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: Constantly feeling the need or having to always be strong can cause you to sacrifice your own emotional well-being, your personal needs, and even healthy relationships.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Before you know it, you may find yourself frequently suppressing your emotions.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe when you are angry, you don't allow it to be known or actually allow yourself to feel it because you may feel like, well, what's the point of feeling my emotion?
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's not going to change anything.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I just hold it in.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe when you're feeling sadness, you feel like, what's the point of feeling this?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's not going to change anything.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm just going to hold it in.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: But the reason why that's not the best way to go is because even though you may think you can just hold the emotion in, that doesn't stop you from actually experiencing that emotion.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: By you not processing it and constantly holding it in, it gets to a point where you are overflow or explode because of how much you are holding in.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: And if you are a visual person, visualize yourself as a glass.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: Now imagine you keep pouring water into this glass until it's just overfilled and just spilling all over the place.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: And let's not forget about the mind, body, and spirit connection.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: That just means that it's only a matter of time before emotional suppression starts to affect all parts of yourself.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm talking about sickness, illness, everything.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: So if you ask me, that's a pretty big cause for constantly being strong.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: Another common cause is becoming hyper-independent to the point that you have a difficult time trusting other people to help you.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I know from experience that being hyper-independent, will have you not asking for or either accepting help because you feel like someone isn't going to do and as good a job as you are, or you don't want to bother someone, or you just take pride in doing things yourself and you don't want to be a burden or ask anyone else for help.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: There are some women who even measure their value by how much they can endure.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Follow and leave me a review.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever sat back and thought about some of the same traits that we admire by ourselves, possibly develop because we didn't have another option?
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: So now let's talk about what happens when everyone else benefits from you always being a strong one.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: When a woman is always capable, always reliable, and always available, people can and will start to depend on your strength without recognizing your needs.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: There becomes an expectation that you will naturally take care of everyone.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: And let's not forget about how always being dependable for everyone else can also lead to being taken for granted.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: There becomes this unspoken assumption that you will always take care of everything at the expense of yourself and your own needs because you have always done so.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: And this is why some people only recognize how much you do when you stop doing it.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: There are two questions that I want you to think about.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: One, do the people around you love you for you, or have they become attached to what you do for them?
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not just referring to the people in your household.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: Think about your friends, your coworkers, community members, and ascended family members.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: And the reason that I chose that question is because too often I hear people introducing someone or thanking someone, and in their speech, they talk about how much that person does or how much that person sacrificed.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I'm not saying that acknowledgement isn't needed, but I'm speaking particularly to those situations where nothing else is known about the person except for what they do for others.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_00: Another question to ask yourself is have you unintentionally taught people that you don't need help because you rarely ask for it?
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: And some of you are probably saying, Well, I'd rather be a strong woman than to be a weak one.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: But choosing not to constantly be the strong one doesn't mean that you are choosing to be weak.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: You are just choosing to have the freedom to be human.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: And that means giving ourselves permission to be soft.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: We as black women deserve softness.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: We deserve rest, joy, support without having to earn those experiences through struggle.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: And what that looks like is having the ability to be vulnerable without fear being judged, allowing others to care for you, learning to be able to rest without feeling like you are being unproductive, and having the ability to experience relationships where you feel emotionally safe.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: Not even in the smallest way does softness means losing your voice, giving up your independence, or becoming passive.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: It means having the freedom to decide when you want to be strong and when you need support.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: Follow and leave me a review.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: So let's get into how we can define what it means to be a strong black woman.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_00: For one, stop equating your words with how much you can handle.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: You are still valuable even when you are not constantly accomplishing something or taking care of someone.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Two, allow yourself to disappoint people when necessary.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Those setting boundaries may be uncomfortable, especially when people are accustomed to you always being available, but they will be alright, I promise.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: Three, think about the relationships in your life and consider if those relationships that you have built allow you to express your needs and even be imperfect at times.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: And four, decide what strength means to you moving forward.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_00: We as women are more than what we survive.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: We are more than what we carry, and we deserve to experience a life that allows us to be fully human and not in a constant state of survival.