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176 // Why Women with ADHD Never Feel Good Enough · ADHD with Confidence | Overcome Anxiety & Self-Doubt, Christian ADHD Coach, ADHD in Women

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  Why is it that women with ADHD never feel good enough?
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  It feels like we just can't get it right sometimes, that we can't do enough
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  or be enough to feel like we're good enough.
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  And this is such a discouraging place to be. So in today's episode,
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  I want to walk with you through the two parts I believe contribute to us feeling
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  like we aren't good enough, and then what we can do about it.
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  I'm excited for today's episode. Thank you so much for being here with me today.
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  Hey friends, welcome to the ADHD with Confidence podcast. I am your host,
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  Kelsey Spronk, and today we're going to talk about why us women with ADHD never
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  feel like we are good enough.
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  First of all, if you were in this place, I'm sorry, it is such a discouraging
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  place to be in, to feel like we're constantly trying to measure up to something
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  and never quite feeling like we get there.
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  There can be a lot of things that contribute to this, and we're going to talk about those today.
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  At the end of the episode, I will give you four questions that you can answer,
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  and work through if you are constantly feeling like you aren't good enough.
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  But first, looking at why do we not feel like we're good enough as women with ADHD?
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  Part one, I believe, is that we are constantly looking to the world and to others,
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  to understand who we are and who we should be, what the expectations should be.
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  So whether that's friends, spouses, family members, social media accounts,
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  we can end up accumulating these really unrealistic expectations for ourselves
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  that don't take into account who we are,
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  our strengths, our weaknesses, and how we thrive.
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  There's a disconnect between where the expectations are coming from and what
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  they are and who we actually are. They're not connected. It's not coming from
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  a place of self-understanding.
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  It's coming from a place of comparison and looking to the world.
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  I believe that can really contribute to not feeling good enough when we're looking
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  to others and to the world and to especially social media with all of the different
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  information and the accounts and the perfectly,
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  curated and edited version of people's lives that we're seeing.
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  The second part I believe contributes to feeling like we aren't good enough,
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  is that we also don't recognize the good in ourselves.
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  We often don't value our contributions.
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  We don't value our strengths. We don't value what we're passionate about.
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  And when you couple this with comparing ourselves to others and looking to the world for.
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  Expectations of ourselves, we end up feeling not good enough because we simultaneously
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  seem to praise and put on a pedestal what everyone else is saying we should
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  be doing and what is good or good enough,
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  and then not recognizing the good in us the things that we do have to offer
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  and the beauty of who we are and how we've been created to be and,
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  it's so sad it's such a robbery because we we spend all this time,
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  in feeling not good enough in trying to live up to these unrealistic expectations.
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  Meanwhile, that's taking away the time and energy that we could otherwise be
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  spending on genuinely understanding who we are, how we can thrive,
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  how we can serve in the world, what our purpose is in this world.
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  And that is a place that I want to help get you to where you can feel so much
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  more satisfied with your life, so much more clarity on who you are and who you are called to be.
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  Now, if you're feeling discouraged, we're going to talk right now about what can we do about it?
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  If we are feeling like we aren't good enough, we're stuck with those unrealistic
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  expectations, what can we do about it? Number one.
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  Ask yourself, what does the world expect of me?
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  And I want you to add to that, what or what am I assuming that the world expects of me?
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  It's not always that these expectations are set in stone. Sometimes it's our
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  assumption of what the world expects of us.
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  So for example, maybe you grew up in a home where your mom cooked homemade meals
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  every single day of the week and they were three course meals, whatever it was.
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  Now that expectation might be one that you carry forward with you,
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  assuming that this is an expectation the world has.
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  But this might also be an assumption that you aren't even aware that you're
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  making. So in these first steps, I want you to be curious and just become aware.
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  What are you assuming is expected of you?
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  Now the next part of this is taking those expectations or those assumptions,
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  and ask yourself what expectations or assumptions do i need to let go of.
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  The third part to that is what would help me to do that now this part about
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  what would help you to do that it's not necessarily a concrete support so much as an understanding of,
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  what what do you need to understand or know about what's going on with your
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  expectations and assumptions in order to be able to let go of those.
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  The second part is what, ask yourself, what do others expect of me or what am
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  I assuming that others expect of me?
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  Now, this is a tricky one. I'm not talking about just anybody in your life,
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  but these are the people who may be, you know, your partner or spouse,
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  your friends, your boss, your colleagues, things like that.
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  Once again, it's tricky because sometimes we have assumptions that aren't actual
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  expectations, so it's important to decipher, to distinguish between the two.
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  Once again, ask yourself, what of these expectations or assumptions do I need
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  to let go of, and what would help me to do that?
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  The third question to ask yourself is, what do you expect of yourself?
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  What assumptions or expectations do you need to let go of and what would help
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  you to do that? Often we have these very high expectations of ourselves and
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  it can come from our greatest fears.
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  I find that actually to be a very interesting question to ask people is what
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  is your greatest fear aside from losing loved ones?
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  And out of that fear sometimes we set these expectations of I can't screw up.
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  It needs to be perfect. It's all or nothing. If I can't do it perfectly, why bother trying?
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  And These are expectations we've created for ourselves.
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  And some of this can go pretty deep and it can go pretty far back.
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  So if that is something that you are working through, wrestling with,
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  I highly recommend seeking help from a therapist, a counselor,
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  a psychologist, a psychiatrist, somebody who can walk you through what is going on beneath all of that.
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  Now number four to ask yourself if you are stuck in this cycle of not feeling
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  good enough is what is realistic to expect.
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  And not just as a whole or in general, but in this season,
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  with the amount of sleep that you're getting, with the amount of time that you
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  have, with the amount of support you do or don't have, with the stressors you've had of maybe moving,
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  losing a loved one, having a difficulty in a relationship, a change of job,
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  a change of role at your job, whatever it is, our expectations,
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  they can't always be exactly the same.
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  Because we are human and whether we whether you have ADHD or not everyone is
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  human and we have limitations and we need to understand what is realistic and understand too that,
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  in different seasons of life with different amount different amounts of support
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  depending on our health depending on our energy all of these different things are going to change,
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  what our expectations should be of ourselves.
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  As just a quick example, for me before with working out with exercise,
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  I felt like I needed to work out five or six times a week.
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  I would push hard and I would last three weeks and then I would stop because
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  I was exhausted and burnt out.
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  It was unrealistic and therefore it was unsustainable.
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  And then I, in the past, would sometimes spiral into feeling why can't I be
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  consistent and kind of shame spiraling and feeling not good enough.
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  So it's important that we set up expectations that match.
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  Our current capacity, our current supports, the energy and the time that we
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  have and the stage of life that we are in.
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  Part of this as well, as far as our expectations, is looking at what aligns
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  with who you truly are, what aligns with your unique strengths.
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  We want to incorporate our strengths whenever we can. We also want to align
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  our needs and what's life-giving for us.
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  We don't want to choose to spend all our time doing things that are not life-giving
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  because we feel like that should be what we're doing. So for example, for me.
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  Or for other professionals with ADHD, is if I chose to spend all my time at
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  home doing laundry and cooking and cleaning, it would destroy me.
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  And I say that, you know, and kind of laugh, but at the same time, I'm quite serious.
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  Doing something that doesn't align with who I truly am, my unique strengths,
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  my passions, the purpose I feel like God's called me to is not going to be good
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  for me. And it's going to make me feel like I'm never measuring up and I'm never good enough.
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  So I want you to look at that holistically.
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  Be curious. Ask those questions. What is realistic in your life?
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  And another bonus question here, when you're talking about feeling good enough,
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  what or whom are you trying to be good enough for? And what does good enough even mean?
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  Now, do you expect yourself to be good enough all the time? And who decides
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  whether you are good enough?
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  And that's something that I want you to, I want you to look at all of this and
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  recognize there's been times where I've questioned, you know,
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  am I fit enough? Am I pretty enough? Am I smart enough? Am I accomplished enough?
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  And when I stop and ask that question, for what or for whom.
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  It kind of takes the wind out of those sails in a good way of saying,
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  oh right, this isn't about some competition and trying to reach some arbitrary
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  goal in the world or some unattainable standard.
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  This is about coming to a place of understanding who I am and what matters to
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  me. And same for you. What matters to you? What is important to you in your life?
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  This is something that I talk about within ADHD coaching, but also in the upcoming
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  30-day ADHD confidence course. I'm almost done. It's coming out so soon.
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  So if you want to be on the waitlist for that, go to ADHDwithconfidence.com
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  forward slash offerings, and you can sign up for the waitlist so you don't miss out.
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  But within that, figuring out what matters to you, what is important to you,
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  what is your calling, what are the goals that you want to set,
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  because this is going to change how you define what is good enough.
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  Because it's not just about some, you know, others imposed standard of good
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  enough. It's about what actually matters.
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  Where do you want to feel like you are good enough? Where do you want to put
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  your time and your energy into?
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  Is that into your marriage, into your parenting, your friendships?
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  Maybe it's your career. What is it that matters to you that you want to pour
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  your heart into? Because here's the reality.
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  We cannot be amazing at everything. We cannot. There is not enough time in a
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  day. There's not enough energy for us to be amazing at absolutely everything.
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  And that's true for everybody.
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  And so we need to decide what is it that matters what is it that would match,
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  with my values and my needs and what would bring that meaningful life that I feel called to,
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  now I hope you have found something helpful hopeful or encouraging in today's
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  episode once again thank you so much for being here with me today I look forward to the next one.