Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #337 Behind the Scenes at the Coulsons

Transcript

#337 Behind the Scenes at the Coulsons · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, it's okay for the rhythm and the routine to
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  Speaker 2: be all out of black now and then it happens,
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  Speaker 2: but don't let it happen two days in a row.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and Dad.
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  Speaker 2: Well, lockdowns continue around so very much of the country
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  Speaker 2: at the moment, which means that a Monday morning isn't
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  Speaker 2: quite what it used to be for about half of
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  Speaker 2: Australia and in other parts of the world as well.
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  Speaker 3: We are justin and Kylie Coulson.
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  Speaker 2: I've got a PhD in psychology and I'm the founder
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  Speaker 2: of Happy Families dot com dot au.
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  Speaker 4: And I think I should have a PhD in family life.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, you do it well.
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  Speaker 2: In fact, that's kind of where we're going today as
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  Speaker 2: we do our best to offer.
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  Speaker 3: A little bit of guidance and help.
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  Speaker 2: We've had a number of people so context a couple
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  Speaker 2: of months ago or maybe a month ago, we sought
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  Speaker 2: feedback about the podcast. We put out a survey, we
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  Speaker 2: asked people to fill it in. We were really delighted
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  Speaker 2: with the large number of responses we got and we
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  Speaker 2: had a number of people who said, just what do
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  Speaker 2: you do? Like, what do your days look like? What's
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  Speaker 2: your routine? That was kind of a question. I mean,
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  Speaker 2: I'm paraphrasing, but that was the question, right.
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  Speaker 4: Yes, So we decided that we might give you a
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  Speaker 4: little sneak peek into what a day in the life
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  Speaker 4: of Justin and Kylie Coilson looks like, I don't know
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  Speaker 4: if it's going to be enthralling, but.
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  Speaker 2: Well, we'll give This reminds me of that there was
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  Speaker 2: this guy who was, I don't know, some big time
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  Speaker 2: professional magician, speaker, du va laky thing, and he he
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  Speaker 2: wanted people to sign up to his newsletter online and
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  Speaker 2: it was like, if you sign up to my newsletter,
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  Speaker 2: I'll show you what's in my travel bag.
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  Speaker 3: I'm like, are you serious?
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  Speaker 2: This guy wants me to sign up to his newsletter
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  Speaker 2: so I can see how he packs his bag when
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  Speaker 2: he goes away on a trip.
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  Speaker 3: Like, come on, and if he's.
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  Speaker 4: A magician, that might be interesting.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, But here's the thing.
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  Speaker 2: I signed up because I thought it was so stupid
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  Speaker 2: that I just had to see that if there was
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  Speaker 2: something interesting about the way he packed his bag. There
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  Speaker 2: were no magic tricks. He didn't put any of his
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  Speaker 2: magic stuff in the bag that he was showing is.
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  Speaker 2: It was literally the way he rolls up his clothes
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  Speaker 2: and the way he puts his I was like, I'm unsubscribing.
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  Speaker 3: I just I was, I was done.
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  Speaker 4: I hope people don't share our daily or.
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  Speaker 2: If I done, well, hopefully you're already happy Family's listener anyway,
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  Speaker 2: And so this hasn't been something that you signed up
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  Speaker 2: for expecting magic, because there's no magic here. Look, there's
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  Speaker 2: probably a couple of caveats around what we're about to share.
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  Speaker 2: First off, we know that your life and our life
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  Speaker 2: are different. In fact, that's the case with everybody, right,
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  Speaker 2: Nobody lives quite the same life. We've got different children,
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  Speaker 2: different needs, different work requirements, different schedules, different metabolisms, and
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  Speaker 2: different circadian rhythms. Like, we don't all work the same way.
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  Speaker 2: So what if we share It's kind of not going
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  Speaker 2: to be that relevant to you, but it might be
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  Speaker 2: a little bit interesting for you to look under the hood,
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  Speaker 2: look at the suitcase.
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  Speaker 3: Let's find out what's the other real I guess caveat
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  Speaker 3: around what we're about to share.
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  Speaker 4: Well, I think it's that there's the ideal and then there's.
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  Speaker 3: The real ideal versus real.
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  Speaker 2: So you saying we're going to put our best foot
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  Speaker 2: forward to make it look like we've got it all together,
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  Speaker 2: and we follow this routine like clockwork.
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  Speaker 4: Well, what I'm going to suggest is that there have
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  Speaker 4: been plenty of times where we have followed this routine
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  Speaker 4: perfectly right. But there are a whole heap of times
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  Speaker 4: where real life kicks in and it's not feasible, it more.
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  Speaker 2: Possible, or yeah, it may not have been yesterday that
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  Speaker 2: we got this right. Before we talk about the daily
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  Speaker 2: routine that makes us better parents, I think we should
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  Speaker 2: just talk about a handful of principles because our routine
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  Speaker 2: isn't going to be perfect for everybody. Let's talk about
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  Speaker 2: a couple of principles that have guided the way we've
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  Speaker 2: put our routines together. Because we are really intentional about
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  Speaker 2: what we do here. So let's just dive into a
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  Speaker 2: couple of these principles. I think, first of all, something
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  Speaker 2: that we have both been really reflective on, really intentional about,
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  Speaker 2: is identifying our priorities.
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  Speaker 4: Yes, Stephen Covey talks about this idea of big rocks,
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  Speaker 4: what are your big rocks? What are the most important
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  Speaker 4: things if you don't do anything else today? What things
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  Speaker 4: need to be done.
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  Speaker 2: So when Stephen Covey talks about his big rocks, there's
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  Speaker 2: this fantastic YouTube clip where he gets somebody up on
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  Speaker 2: stage and asks them to put a whole lot of
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  Speaker 2: rocks into a jar, some really big ones and some
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  Speaker 2: teeny tiny ones, and the teeny tiny ones and the
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  Speaker 2: big ones.
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  Speaker 3: They can't all fit in one jar together.
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  Speaker 2: And it's fascinating the way that it works.
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  Speaker 5: All these little small things they tend to fill a
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  Speaker 5: lie and they're just little by little they just accumulated.
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  Speaker 5: You're a jar is to get all those large rocks
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  Speaker 5: in the jar. Try to get him in there. You
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  Speaker 5: can take a whole different approach. You have a totally
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  Speaker 5: fresh bore.
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  Speaker 4: Well, then I'd rather put this on the bottom and then.
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  Speaker 5: You got all the important things and first.
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  Speaker 6: Okay, that's great.
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  Speaker 3: So Stephen Covey is this management guru.
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  Speaker 2: He unfortunately passed away a couple of years ago, but
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  Speaker 2: he wrote the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. So
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  Speaker 2: in life, the big rocks are things like.
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  Speaker 4: Cooking dinner, doing the laundry.
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  Speaker 2: I mean, they're important, but they're not big rocks. They
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  Speaker 2: need to happen.
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  Speaker 3: They're part of the functioning of daily life.
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  Speaker 4: But clearly you're not a mum.
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  Speaker 3: No, no, laundry is not.
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  Speaker 4: Do you know what happens when I don't do the
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  Speaker 4: laundry each day?
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  Speaker 3: Okay, so they are big rocks, but.
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  Speaker 4: You know what also happens if I don't cook dinner.
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  Speaker 2: But there are also big rocks like connecting with one
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  Speaker 2: another and listening to a child who's having a hard time,
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  Speaker 2: and exercise and having your devotional or spiritual or meditative time.
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  Speaker 3: Those are the big rocks.
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  Speaker 2: And because of things like ironing and cooking and getting
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  Speaker 2: the kids out the door and all those sorts of things,
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  Speaker 2: those things often overtake the stuff that I think really
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  Speaker 2: at the core of who we try to be, who
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  Speaker 2: we want to be. So principal number one, make sure
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  Speaker 2: that you identify your priorities, figure out what your big
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  Speaker 2: rocks are, and figure out how you can get those
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  Speaker 2: into the jar before all the little rocks go in.
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  Speaker 4: Well, what I loved about the analogy that he did
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  Speaker 4: he actually got someone to put a whole heap of
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  Speaker 4: big rocks in and a whole hYP of small rocks in,
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  Speaker 4: but the reality was that they couldn't fit in together.
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  Speaker 4: But what he was actually able to show was that
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  Speaker 4: if you get the big rocks in first and then
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  Speaker 4: pour the small rocks in, the small rocks actually fill
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  Speaker 4: in the gaps between where all of the big rocks were.
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  Speaker 3: It's masterful, isn't it.
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  Speaker 2: All Right, We've got a couple more principles, and then
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  Speaker 2: we go to do the big revealed, show you what's
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  Speaker 2: under the hood, those principles and schedules, the routines that
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  Speaker 2: make us better parents.
• 6:55
  Speaker 3: Right after break, it's.
• 6:56
  Speaker 1: The Happy Famili's podcast.
• 6:59
  Speaker 6: Our Screens Create Tension at Home, Tweens, Teams and Screens
• 7:03
  Speaker 6: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe superscreen solutions.
• 7:07
  Speaker 6: Bye Today at happyfamilies dot com dot au slash shop, it's.
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  Speaker 4: The Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time poor
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  Speaker 4: parent who just wants answers now, and today we're sharing
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  Speaker 4: some principles around how we can make our daily routine.
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  Speaker 2: Make us better people, make us Yeah, actually they have
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  Speaker 2: a daily routine like just that that would be good.
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  Speaker 2: So Principal number one, make sure that you identify your priorities.
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  Speaker 2: Principal number two, You've got to consider your roles, right,
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  Speaker 2: So I can't just sit down and put together my
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  Speaker 2: perfect daily routine so that I can be awesome for
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  Speaker 2: everybody if it doesn't take you into account your needs.
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  Speaker 4: That's where the quarterly getaway comes into play, right.
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  Speaker 3: So we've talked about this before.
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  Speaker 2: We'll link to it in the show notes for the
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  Speaker 2: podcast episode where we've talked about the different things that
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  Speaker 2: we do to make sure that we can be on
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  Speaker 2: our game all the time.
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  Speaker 4: And so we'll come together once a quarter and we'll
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  Speaker 4: have each put together our ideal routine. If it needs
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  Speaker 4: you have a.
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  Speaker 3: Refresher, which is most of the time.
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  Speaker 4: Yes, and then we get to kind of talk about it.
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  Speaker 4: And more times than not, there's a judgments that have
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  Speaker 4: to be made because you want to go in one
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  Speaker 4: direction at six o'clock, but I'm going in one direction
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  Speaker 4: at six o'clock and we can't both be going in
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  Speaker 4: a different direction. So how do we kind of navigate
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  Speaker 4: this so that we both get what we need and
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  Speaker 4: what we want. But it really is about being flexible,
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  Speaker 4: and it.
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  Speaker 2: Comes down to the age of your kids, Like you've
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  Speaker 2: got to consider the kids' needs and your partner's needs.
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  Speaker 2: So when our children were younger, we could not do
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  Speaker 2: what we can do now because our youngest is seven
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  Speaker 2: and there are bigger kids at home who can look
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  Speaker 2: after her, and we've got a lot more flexibility in
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  Speaker 2: terms of the way we build our routine than we
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  Speaker 2: once did. So, and can I just make a confession here.
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  Speaker 2: We've recently had a really important and very challenging conversation
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  Speaker 2: because I've been cramming my routine so full that it's
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  Speaker 2: come at tremendous cost to you and to our relationship
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  Speaker 2: and our opportunities for connection. That has meant that I've
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  Speaker 2: had to find other ways to adjust the routines so
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  Speaker 2: that it can be fair to you. It's not even
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  Speaker 2: about so that I can satisfy your needs. It's actually
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  Speaker 2: about being fair to you. Because if I'm getting to
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  Speaker 2: do what I want to do all the time for
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  Speaker 2: my routine but you don't and we don't get the
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  Speaker 2: connection and those other things that matter, then my priorities
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  Speaker 2: can't be at your expense.
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  Speaker 3: We've got to make sure that it works for both
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  Speaker 3: of us.
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  Speaker 4: Good point, honey, Principal number three, give it to me.
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  Speaker 2: I feel like I'm in trouble. Okay, really really simple one.
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  Speaker 2: We've got to make sure that when we're putting this
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  Speaker 2: together and we're being intentional about it and thinking about
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  Speaker 2: these principles, that we're doing the important stuff, not the
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  Speaker 2: urgent stuff. Kind of goes back to that big rocks idea,
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  Speaker 2: but it's worth just looking at it from a different,
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  Speaker 2: a different perspective. Exercise is important, but it's not urgent,
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  Speaker 2: and that's why it doesn't fit into so many people's
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  Speaker 2: routines because gosh, we've all got so much to do.
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  Speaker 2: There's so much sand and water filling it up. And
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  Speaker 2: sometimes it's not even sand and water. Sometimes we've got
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  Speaker 2: so many big rocks that all require being in that jar,
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  Speaker 2: and some big rocks are bigger than others. But work
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  Speaker 2: out what is important, even if it is not urgent,
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  Speaker 2: and get that in.
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  Speaker 4: And I think that's a really good point, the reality
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  Speaker 4: around the fact that often we do have more big
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  Speaker 4: rocks than we can possibly do, and there's times and
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  Speaker 4: seasons and so recognizing and understanding that, you know, as
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  Speaker 4: a young mum with like three little ones at home
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  Speaker 4: and your husband leaves for work at seven o'clock in
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  Speaker 4: the morning, you're not going to get your exercise in.
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  Speaker 4: Maybe I don't know, but it really is about acknowledging. Okay,
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  Speaker 4: well right now I can't do this, but there are
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  Speaker 4: other big rocks that need my attention now.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, okay. Two last principles. Principal number four, Your
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  Speaker 2: morning begins the night before. This is a big one,
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  Speaker 2: and we're not that.
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  Speaker 3: Good at it, but we talk about it all the
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  Speaker 3: time and we know that it's true.
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  Speaker 4: We're not that good at it. Well, no, we're down
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  Speaker 4: here doing a webinar, and I.
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  Speaker 3: Think this is part of the reason.
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  Speaker 2: Right because of what COVID has done to our lives,
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  Speaker 2: I'm not able to be part of the process, which
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  Speaker 2: means that you're trying to put all the kids to bed,
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  Speaker 2: deal with the tidy up all that stuff, and I'm
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  Speaker 2: down here telling other people how to make their families happier.
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  Speaker 3: I mean, the irony is just profound.
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  Speaker 2: Gosh, maybe we're showing people too much under the hood
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  Speaker 2: right now, we've opened up the suitcase big time. But
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  Speaker 2: what we do know, and what we've experienced so many times,
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  Speaker 2: is that when we nail this, the kids know the
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  Speaker 2: next morning all the stuff that they need to do
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  Speaker 2: and it's all ready to go, their uniforms, their bags,
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  Speaker 2: their lunch boxes, the blah blah blah blah blah piece
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  Speaker 2: of cake morning bins the night before. And it's the
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  Speaker 2: same if you want to exercise in the morning or
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: whatever it is that you need to do for your
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: morning routine and get to.
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  Speaker 3: Bed early enough. I can't say it enough. You've got
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  Speaker 3: to go, oh, because.
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  Speaker 2: Otherwise I'm going to shout because I feel so passionately
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  Speaker 2: about it. Last principle, don't fail twice.
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  Speaker 4: That's a really important one. So I missed the gym
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  Speaker 4: last Monday, uh huh, But I managed to push myself
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  Speaker 4: out the door on Tuesday because I just knew I
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  Speaker 4: couldn't do it two days in a row.
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  Speaker 3: And that's the thing.
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  Speaker 2: It's okay for the rhythm and the routine to be
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  Speaker 2: all out of whack now and then it happens, but
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  Speaker 2: don't let it happen two days in a row. That's
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  Speaker 2: where the real discipline comes in. That's where the commitment
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: comes in. And if you can make sure that you
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  Speaker 2: just acknowledge, all right, I had a really lousy day.
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  Speaker 2: It's a cheap day on my diet. It's a day
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  Speaker 2: off the gym. It's a whatever kind of sit in
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  Speaker 2: front of the TV and watch Netflix.
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  Speaker 3: And cry day.
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  Speaker 2: But tomorrow you've got to get back into it. So
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  Speaker 2: there are five principles. Identify your priorities. Consider how what
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  Speaker 2: you're wanting to do affects other people. Do what's important,
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  Speaker 2: not urgent, Take that long view morning begins to night before,
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  Speaker 2: and don't fail twice. So with that, today, let's open
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  Speaker 2: up the suitcase, so to speak, on our morning. Not
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: to stay morning routines, but the routines that we follow
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: to make ourselves the best parents we possibly can. And
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  Speaker 2: do you want to go first throughout me too?
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  Speaker 4: So I get up at five point thirty YEP. I
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  Speaker 4: find that my day starts like a hundred times better
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  Speaker 4: if I get up early. And because I've been doing
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  Speaker 4: it for so long now, I usually am awake before
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  Speaker 4: the alarm goes off. My body knows to wake up.
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  Speaker 4: And I love to just have an hour of devotional time.
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  Speaker 4: So I say my prayers, I write in my journal,
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  Speaker 4: I start my day with gratitude, have affirmations that I've
• 13:01
  Speaker 4: created for myself, and I just have some time to
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  Speaker 4: really immerse myself in things that light me up. And
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  Speaker 4: give me direction. Once I've done that, I get up
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  Speaker 4: and the first thing I do is I make my
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  Speaker 4: bed and I set the bedroom straight for the day.
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  Speaker 4: That has been transformational. I can't tell you how amazing
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  Speaker 4: that feels, because no matter what ourse happens outside of
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  Speaker 4: my bedroom, I know that at any point in the day,
• 13:29
  Speaker 4: if I need to just have a break, I can
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  Speaker 4: come into my beautiful space that's just mine and take
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  Speaker 4: a deep breath. Then I get dressed, I get outside,
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  Speaker 4: I help the kids with breakfast and getting their lunches ready.
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  Speaker 4: We have a morning meeting together with them, and then
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  Speaker 4: I do a quick blitz of the house, so I'll
• 13:48
  Speaker 4: hang a load of washing, blitz the house quickly, make
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  Speaker 4: sure all the rooms are neat and tidy, and then
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  Speaker 4: raise the kids off to school.
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  Speaker 2: That's an action packed morning, and I'm sure that there's
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  Speaker 2: a bajillion parents around the world right now who was
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  Speaker 2: certainly around Astraia, who are going, gosh, that's much more
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  Speaker 2: intent than I'm willing to do. I don't want to
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  Speaker 2: get up at five thirty, but it kind of also
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  Speaker 2: feels peaceful and nice because you're getting to spend that
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  Speaker 2: time focused on your values. My mornings are a little
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  Speaker 2: bit different, but these help me to be a better
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  Speaker 2: dad and a better husband, and I feel better within
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  Speaker 2: myself when I do it. So my day starts at
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: four thirty, which I know you love when my alarm
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  Speaker 2: goes off every morning at four thirty.
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  Speaker 4: I did want to say it, but that's kind of
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  Speaker 4: the reason why I'm up before the alarm goos off.
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  Speaker 2: You're up at five thirty because you're actually up at
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  Speaker 2: four thirty and barely sleeping. I'm on my bike. I'm
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: home and ready for the day by seven. From seven o'clock,
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  Speaker 2: we have that family time that you mentioned. We have
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  Speaker 2: our devotional so I'm supposed to go for about fifteen minutes,
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  Speaker 2: but usually, I mean, we have really great family conversations.
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  Speaker 2: We talk about what we value, we talk about the
• 14:47
  Speaker 2: stuff that matters to us in our family, and it
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  Speaker 2: usually stretches out until about seven thirty, and I'm just
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: with you and the kids organizing the morning the best
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: that we can tell about eight.
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  Speaker 3: You go to the gym at nine, but I go
• 14:58
  Speaker 3: to the gym.
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  Speaker 2: At eight, so I actually shoot off there, leave you
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: to do the last stuff with the kids and get
• 15:03
  Speaker 2: them off to school. I'm at the gym, and that
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: way I can be back and in the office and
• 15:07
  Speaker 2: working my bum off by nine o'clock and just getting
• 15:10
  Speaker 2: those big rocks taken care of.
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: That really really works for me.
• 15:14
  Speaker 4: I guess that's where we differ. You come downstairs to
• 15:17
  Speaker 4: work your bum off. I've already worked my bum off.
• 15:19
  Speaker 4: I've done it all, and I have over the last
• 15:22
  Speaker 4: few years, I've been really really conscious to slow things down.
• 15:25
  Speaker 4: So I know that my morning routine seems crazy, but
• 15:28
  Speaker 4: it's kind of like going for a run, and when
• 15:31
  Speaker 4: I see a hill, I just want to pound up
• 15:33
  Speaker 4: that hill as fast as I can so I can
• 15:35
  Speaker 4: get it all done and get it over and done with.
• 15:37
  Speaker 4: Do you know how painful it is when you've got
• 15:40
  Speaker 4: to run up a hill and you can't do it
• 15:41
  Speaker 4: very far?
• 15:42
  Speaker 3: So it gives you some margin for the rest of
• 15:44
  Speaker 3: the day.
• 15:44
  Speaker 4: It does. It does, and I feel like it just
• 15:46
  Speaker 4: gives me the headspace to do things that I enjoy
• 15:49
  Speaker 4: doing as opposed to feeling like my whole day is
• 15:52
  Speaker 4: taken up with all of the mundane.
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I've found other ways to get like the
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: spiritual sustenance that I want, So I listen to podcasts
• 15:59
  Speaker 2: while I'm at the gym, or while I'm riding my bike,
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: or when I'm in the car, those kinds of things.
• 16:03
  Speaker 2: So I'm still getting the things that matter most, and
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: I've found ways to integrate that into the other things
• 16:08
  Speaker 2: that matter to me as well. Oh one more thing, sleep, Gollie.
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: If we don't get enough sleep, we can't be good parents.
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: We end up lousy parents. And I could talk about
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: this all day well, just.
• 16:17
  Speaker 4: Like our routines, and we don't want to cram too much,
• 16:19
  Speaker 4: and so I think you should need to wrap it up.
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: We hope that this has been a helpful podcast for
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: you as you consider how you can intentionally develop your
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: own routines so that you can be a better pair
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: of yourself. The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer,
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: and we appreciate the great work that those guys do.
• 16:36
  Speaker 3: For us all the time to make the podcast land
• 16:38
  Speaker 3: in your feeds every single day.
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: If you'd like more information about how to get premium
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: content to make your family happier, we would love for
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: you to check out our exclusive and wonderful Happy Families memberships.
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: They're available at happy families dot com, dot a