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Forgiveness: A First Step · Infinitely Precious

• 0:00
  Intro: Welcome to the infinitely precious podcast produced by infinitely precious LLC. Your host is James Henry. Remember, you are infinitely precious and unconditionally loved for the gift you already are.
• 0:13
  James: Hello, beloved. Today, I wanted to share with you some thoughts about forgiveness. Because we have a short time together, there's no way that I can in any way be exhausted, when I'm talking about forgiveness. There is a lot to it. You know, sometimes when I ask people what forgiveness is, their answer makes it sound fairly simple.
• 0:47
  Something like recognizing someone has done something wrong and, forgiving them. Releasing them, letting them go. And, in some ways, it it is that is the nature of what forgiveness is. It is letting go of that which holds onto us. The wrong that was done to us by others, or sometimes by ourselves.
• 1:21
  The thing that we've done wrong that has alienated the other and has left us blaming and shaming ourselves. Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is ourselves. So, I had the opportunity this week to teach a class, a one off class about forgiveness. When I was talking about healthy relationships, forgiveness is a piece of that. Now whenever I've taught a class about forgiveness in the past, it's usually 6 to 8 weeks long.
• 1:57
  And, because it's a path, the path toward forgiveness, you know, begins somewhere and ends, somewhere else, a place of release. But having sat with these folks who, are struggling with various kinds of forgiveness in their lives, I, I was struck by the fact that, first of all, all of them said what is absolutely true, that forgiveness is hard. It is a challenge. It's difficult. It's, letting go of what some other person has done to you is not, is not simple.
• 2:47
  Forgiving is not the same as forgetting because I don't think we forget. It still hangs in there. And forgiving is also not the same thing as saying what was done to us is okay. It's not okay. Forgiveness is letting go of that which was done wrong.
• 3:17
  One of the hardest things for me when it comes to forgiveness is recognizing that the person I am seeking to forgive need not apologize to me. Let me take just a moment to speak about this because, many people I, I know, disagree with me on this. They believe that in order to forgive someone, you they need to ask for forgiveness for you to let it go. However, I find that when I hold on to things, it's me that's affected, not the person that did the wrong to begin with. It's me that's carrying the weight.
• 4:01
  It's me that's feeling the burden, the heaviness of, of what was done. And it kind of festers inside of me if I don't let it go. So letting forgiving someone is not about them. It turns out forgiving someone is about me. It's about letting go of something that only stands to hurt me more by my holding onto it.
• 4:32
  So I outlined kind of a process for the folks who were in my healthy relationships class this week. And then I asked them for some feedback about the process because I I felt like and more or less, they said, you know, it seemed like an okay process. They might do it differently. They might write about it differently. They might think about it differently.
• 4:55
  And I encouraged them. I said, you know, it's a piece of paper. Take it with you. If you discover a new way or a new, step that ought to be added in here, please do. Because I'm always learning from the women I teach at Friends of Guest House.
• 5:10
  And this week was no different. The first step really is admitting something has been, done wrong. Recognizing that. Really, kind of exploring what it was that was done wrong. In what way, was I hurt by this thing?
• 5:36
  How do I feel about it? Exploring those feelings. Writing, as clearly as possible. I the process I find most helpful for forgiveness is to use my journal to write. To write down, in as many details as I can what happened, how it happened, what I feel, what I felt about it then, what is still rising in me that I'm feeling now?
• 6:06
  Where am I feeling it in my body? What part of me tightens or quivers or, shakes when I think about, when I ponder, when I pour over that which was done. Because that gives me access, but I'm admitting, you know, something something happened, something that wasn't okay, something that was wrong. And I have to be clear about how I perceive it to be wrong and why I perceive it to be wrong. And the reason I do is if I'm gonna let it go, I need to know what I'm letting go of.
• 6:51
  So that's my first step is recognizing that a wrong was done, that I'm feeling something about it, what I'm feeling about it, naming it so that I can let it go. Now this is something I said to the women and said, does this sound about real? Sound about right? And they agreed with me. We may let go of something right now, and it will come back, depending on how big it is.
• 7:23
  You know, if somebody ate my piece of pizza out of the refrigerator, you know, I might be a little miffed when I went to get that piece of pizza. But, you know, I'm probably gonna let that go pretty quickly. If they always ate my pizza, that'd be another story, but that's another time and another day. It's the bigger things that somebody does that hurts me, you know, physically or hurts my feelings or challenges my capacity as a person that undermines my sense of humanity, it's those things that are not so easy to let go. So I may let them go only to find they come again.
• 8:08
  And then I have to practice the exact same thing over again that I just practiced to begin with. I have to practice letting go again. I have to name what it is that's bothering me, and it may be a different aspect. You know, if I'm thinking of a specific event or series of events, it may be some different aspect of it that arises in me that I can feel pulling at me. It may tighten a different part of my body where it may have been in my belly before.
• 8:40
  It might be in my fist this time. I try to release that energy from my body, recognize the tightness, and release it. Breathe into it. Recognize that tightness and release it, and then name that aspect that is bothering me this time, that is, gripping me this time. And the grip looks different each time, and the way it grips me looks different each time.
• 9:18
  Over time, I have found that the things that were done wrong long ago. I won't say they become easier to let go, but they don't come back so often and they don't come back so hard. They don't return with the same vehemence or vengeance that they did earlier in the process of letting it go. So this is certainly not an exhaustive and by any stretch of imagination, there are many more steps that I outlined to them as possible along this journey and path. But are you in need of seeking forgiveness from someone else?
• 10:01
  Or in giving forgiveness to someone else? And that someone else may include you. Oftentimes, the hardest, most difficult, most challenging person to forgive is ourselves. We hold tenaciously to the things we've done wrong, blaming and, beating ourselves up for the challenges of our lives. So, if you recognize something that needs to be forgiven, name it.
• 10:32
  Write about it. Write about it in as much detail as you can. Be as clear about it as you can. Understand the emotions that arise in it. Understand and note where it appears and tightens in your body.
• 10:51
  How it might make you feel, not just how it makes you feel, but how it makes you feel about yourself. And, can you begin as you recognize and name it to release it? As you recognize and name it, does it begin to lose some of its power because now you can name it? It's not some unknown, unseen force underneath the surface. Is it something you now can name and see for what it is?
• 11:33
  And in naming and seeing it, bringing light to bear on it, perhaps you find perhaps you find the beginnings of the path to forgiveness. Perhaps only the beginnings. Well, as time goes by, perhaps I'll talk about some more of the steps in forgiveness. If you have questions, you're always welcome to reach out to me, and talk about it some more. If you'd like, reach out to me and, send me your thoughts.
• 12:09
  But in the interim, I wish you all the best on your journey toward forgiveness, if that's what you're working on. And, be gentle, be kind with yourself, and remember you're infinitely precious and unconditionally loved for the gift you already are. Until the next time, I wish you all the best in your journeys.